Saturday, October 24, 2009


When Andee made a post about what not to say to birthmoms/adoptive moms.

"Don't complain about being a mother
I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain."

One blogger said,

"I believe that it is a little unrealistic and a little unfair to expect a mother not to complain about being a mother. To expect that is actually belittling, in my opinion. It's basically saying, "Well, you don't know what TRUE sacrifice is because you have never had to place your child, so I better not hear about how you have a hard time raising your kids." The fact is that being a mother (birth mom or not) is HARD and it can be overwhelming. Not to say that I don't "cherish every moment," but there are some moments that I'd rather not have to cherish. Those moments tend to be the ones where I learn that there are certain things that I don't like about myself."Another blogger said,

"It isn't that you can't complain about being a parent, but don't complain to a birth mother or an adoptive mother about parenthood. Because it comes across insensitive to those of us that have spent hours on our knees praying for the chance to raise a child. My sister has at times vented to me her frustrations with parenting, and I have to end the conversation because it hurts too much to hear.

It isn't unrealistic or unfair to ask you be respectful about motherhood, when you are talking to a birth mother or adoptive mother. Surely there are other people in your life you can vent to that aren't as sensitive to the subject.

Be grateful, you have never felt the heavy burden of empty arms."

This post is not directed to anyone. Just everyone. This is kind of what's been weighing on my mind heavily. It brings me to tears to even think about it. I know that might not seem much since my emotional state is so fragile. Baha. Not really. It takes a lot for me to get worked up to bring on tears. But mostly when something has to do with Olivia or being a mom. It can get the water works going within seconds.

Motherhood is truly the biggest sacrifice made on both ends. Of being a birth mom and having to place. Or being a mother and raising your child.
There are times that I do want to express that those two days in the hospital were the greatest days in my life. Those are the days that I was her mom. Those are the days that I was the closest ever to Olivia. I might not EVER get those days again. At least, not in this lifetime. They are very sacred to me. Even when I think about it, I feel the Spirit. I feel at peace. I am grateful to have those times and be that close to God and to Olivia.

Do not talk down to me about my experience. Do not talk down about how much motherhood is a pain. If God had given me the ability to never sleep those two days. I would've (I actually didn't get a lot of sleep for that matter). It's weird to say, but more than anything right now, I wish I had a screaming child in my ear all night. It'd at least be my baby next to me.
I don't want to hear, "you'll have more children someday." Someday is looking pretty far away to me. I want at times I want someday to be right now.

After this experience, I don't think I could ever take this for granted. I'm sure there are moments when I do become a mother again that I wish that my screaming baby would stop. But then I'd take a step back and remember what I had lost before and would never want to lose again. I will cherish each moment differently.

I don't think you have to experience anything big like placing your child to cherish motherhood. You just have to look in your child's eyes and remember the sacrifice you took to bring them there. If it takes a lot for you to remember that, just think about the times you could've lost your child, think that maybe they won't be there tomorrow. Does that make you want to hold on to them tighter? I know it did for me every single night at the hospital with Olivia. I never wanted to let her go. I didn't. And yes, one morning, she was gone. I still have that heartache every morning. Without even knowing or putting into much thought, I remember what I lost.

Right now, I'm thinking, maybe if I get married right away and have kids that space could be filled in my heart. The day that Olivia was born my heart was full. The day she left, she left an open wound. I know with time it will get smaller but it will never fully go away.
I'm sure people think, "Why would you ever want that?" Why wouldn't you? I wish I had what my sister's have. I had a loss, but at the same time I gained so much more. I can't wait for the day that Olivia tells me, "Thank you for the sacrifice you made as a mother and giving me a family."
Also, in Andee's post girls added that they get, "I could never do that." When we tell them about our adoption story. I get that DAILY.

In the post placement group on Thursday, a girl brought that up when her own MOM said that to her and I was surprised with this girls answer she said, "You were never asked to."
If the Lord had asked you to sacrifice yourself for your children, in a way that it could almost kill you? Would you do it? I did. I did it because I was asked to.
When I was led to the choice of adoption. The Lord wasn't just looking out for Olivia, he was looking out for me. And he still is. He blesses me everyday, I know that every time I see pictures of Olivia with her family.

A blogger wrote,

"I agree with the others who have added "I could never do that." It's insulting, and insinuates that I loved my son less than you would have in the same position. Ridiculous. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't realize how much love it takes to make such a difficult choice possible AND positive. To immediately assume you couldn't do it either discounts your own strength or discounts the eternal value of adoption. Either is unacceptable to me!"

I hope my post doesn't offend. I don't want this to be a war against mothers/birth mothers/adoptive mothers. This is just how I'm feeling and how sensitive this subject really is to me.


  1. I had goose bumps as I read your post.

    My mom was 15 when she got pregnant with me and it was a horrible situation. My own grandmother thought my mom should have aborted me. My mom ran away and had me. In her heart she could not place me for adoption and live with herself. It was looked down upon to place your child at that time. I am so glad the world has come to realize that when a woman places her child into a loving adoptive family she is not thinking of herself anymore, she is only thinking of the best for her child. It is a tremendous sacrifice that I really can't understand.
    My husband's mother was 15 when she gave birth to him and they had to fight courts and their families to be able to raise their child despite their age.

    Because we have seen the tremendous sacrifice they chose to make in raising us despite difficult circumstances, it just goes to show you how difficult it is to be selfless and place your child into the loving arms of someone else. I think placing a child for adoption is the hardest thing parents can do for their children.

    Because of this, even though my husband and I have struggled with IF and pregnancy loss for over 9 years, we still would never want to prey on a young women who may feel pushed into a corner, know what I mean. I always told my husband that I would never want to adopt a baby, if I could tell the birthmother felt pressured to do so or had no peace about the situation. It would be very important to me that just because I would be overjoyed to be parenting a chilknow and finally be a mother to a child here on earth, I would want that child's mother to be at peace and be able to comfortable with her decision.

    I will continue to pray for you and Olivia and her adoptive family. I do hope that with time the sorrow is less for you, but the truth of the matter is that this is hard because you love her so much. Big hugs to you!

  2. This post actually brought tears to my eyes, its so true. I hate hearing people complain about motherhood, even though I know it is very hard and challenging its something that I cant have right now and I want it so bad. I cherished every moment I had with my Katie before I placed her in the loving arms of Ken and Kim and I wish that I could have more time with her and have her waking me up at night. There is nothing like looking into the eyes of your child and knowing that you created them and you love them with all your heart, more than you ever thought you could love someone. I have been promised that I will have more children but it seems so far away, I wish more than anything that I could have been in a position to give Katie everything she needed. Love you!!

  3. I really loved this post. Having struggled with infertility for a few years, I know how much it hurt when people would complain about the one thing I wanted most and couldn't have, and that I had absolutely no control over. I can imagine it would be worse to someone who has held their baby in their arms and then passed their baby lovingly into the arms of another.

    I also really liked the part about how the girl's mom said she could never do that, and the girl responded with, "You were never asked to." Sometimes when I think, "I could never go through what they're experiencing" a part of me says, "You could be strong" and another part of me says, "You're right, you couldn't. Which is why you're NOT going through that." Maybe the people who say they could never place their child for adoption really wouldn't have the strength to, which is why they never experience it, because we're never given more than we can handle. Does that make sense? It just makes me admire you birthmom 100 times more. I know you say you don't feel strong but you really, truly are.

  4. I'm sorry that these things bring you so much pain. Please forgive my insensitivity. And I hope you know that I would NEVER intentionally talk down to you about your experience or try to hurt you. There have been times when I've deleted something I was going to write because it was me complaining about kids. I realize that you don't need to hear that and that it wouldn't change your desire to have Olivia right by your side. And even when I do complain to others or to the Lord about my children it doesn't change MY desire to have them with me and to deal with the hard things. The hard things aren't a reason to not desire motherhood and I think that's one of the points that you were making in your post. I agree wholeheartedly.

  5. WOW!!! Thank you for that post! I don't think you've offended anybody... if you did, it is only because they chose to be offended! But I will forever be grateful for the choice you made! Because "Adoption is about Love," and not giving your baby up, it's about giving your baby more!

    I hope I won't complain when I become a Mother! And truly, this post goes towards Fathers/birth fathers/adoptive fathers/future fathers and mothers as well. This post isn't just for anyone, it is for everyone that is willing to listen to what and how you are feeling, and we all need to take it into action! And not complain so much!

  6. I Loved your Motherhood quotes too! Because they are so true!! :D

  7. Lurker here... I have a ton of respect for you, and here's why... when people say to you, oh i could never do that, it isnt because they think you are less of a person bc you could, or that your love is able to be measured and less, its because they cant respect/understand your position. I really dont think people mean offense, just emptiness at the thought...
    does that make any sence? heres why i think that: 10 years ago I choose not to place a baby boy. Pure selfishness. Pure vanity. Pure unrealistic expectations. I am happy to report that 10 years of marriage and 5 kids later, things worked out. BUT, not withour tremendous issues all over the board. he wasnt the father he needed to be, nor was I the mother. my kids grandparents did most of the raising the first 2 years. i didnt deserve him and he should have never been mine. i married out of greed (bc my parents gave me the ultimatum, marriage or adoption)and he isnt te guy i would have married. sure, it has since worked out, but barely. many times over barely. rounds of marriage counseling. And don't get me wrong, I am glad he is mine, but looking back I wish I could have been as strong as you and made the choice I knew I was suposed to make and not take the selfish route, bc my kids paid for it, and paid for it dearly.
    having said that... can i offer an "excuse"?? sometimes we dont have a life or anything else to talk abt... and sometimes we complain. its nto a good excuse, but its the best ive got... love your blog, thanks for the amazing example of Christlike love. You are the strongest girl i "know" and I thank you for sharing your story.

  8. I too am a birthmother who placed through an open adoption. It's been a wonderful, gratifying and loving relationship for all of us involved.

    After placing Hannah at birth 18 years ago, I dreamed of the day I would become a parent again. And like you, I knew I would cherish every moment of it.

    And you know what... every day I was pregnant with my son (who is now 7) I was grateful. I loved the morning sickeness and everything else that came with pregnancy. The pregnany was so special because I had waited 11 years to have another baby. It was a dream come true.

    Parenthood is definitely special when you've waited and dreamed about it. And there is no better feeling in the world than walking out of the hospital with your child in your arms.. knowing that you'll never have to let him go. And to see your birth child hold your second child is undescribable. WOW!

    Anyway, I wish you the very best when your time to parent comes again.

  9. Great quotes
    greetings from Italy!