I honestly don't know how to write about what I'm thinking right now. I have plenty of mixed emotions. It might be that I've been pretty sick the past couple of days. It's not awful. Just that dreadful I want to lay in bed feeling, sore throat, headache. Whatever. And I'm on the verge of tears? Really?
I am happy but so stressed out. Probably over nothing.
I just graduated dental assisting school. I'm currently looking for a job. I had an interview the other day- it went well. They're just looking for somebody with more experience. They had like 4 different dentists at that office and they all have different techniques that I'd have to learn. And my sister said that she worked for an office like that and had 3 different dentists and that was hard for her. So I'm hoping soon I'll find a job.
I'm also stressed probably over the littlest things.
You know, I look at people's wedding pictures who get married in the temple and I am envious. I read about people getting married right now and how so many people ask, "What temple are you getting married in?" I can't say I'm getting married in the temple right now, we're waiting a year to be sealed. That's a personal decision and a bishop's recommendation.
I'm genuinely happy for those people so why can't I be happy for myself? The ultimate goal for me is to go to the Temple but I can't be there?
I've had people ask why not. I've had people judge and think that me and Tayler are terrible people. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever felt this way by people. I've had someone say, "Maybe it's not the timing, maybe it's just the person." I'm happy with Tayler. More than I've ever been with anybody. I'm just unhappy with myself. I think, maybe if I just did everything right in the first place, that's where I'd be going right now.
I look back and I would have NO idea where I'd be if I did that. Would I be with my soul mate?
God gives us trials to learn from them. I went through so much hell to bring myself to happiness. Ive been brought back to the Gospel. Probably by not the most ideal way, unplanned pregnancy, but that's the wake up call I needed. And you know, if I did stay on the right path, I probably would've never met Tayler. I met Tayler because I signed up for LDS Singles with a friend just jokingly to go out with people.
So, as I sit here wiping away tears. I don't want you all to think that I've given up on the Temple. It is our goal and we're working on it as a couple. And it's the toughest thing as a couple that we'll probably ever endure. But I'm learning from it. Every single experience that I've encountered, I've learned from it and I grow from it. I'm so grateful for that. And trust me, I'll be celebrating the day that I get a Temple Recommend. When I walk through the doors with my husband and come out as eternal companions. I want that more than anything.
This is Tayler's adorable handwriting. These were the notes that were on the roses the day he proposed.
I remember the other night I was just talking to Tayler and I was just remembering everything from the hospital. It does almost feel dreamlike sometimes. I'll look at pictures and I look at my hot body now (HA!) and I'm like, Daaaaaang. I had a baby 8 months ago?! I just told him every single detail about that day even though he read my labor and delivery story. But it's always something different when I tell somebody about it. I really had to dig deep to find the emotions that I had that day. Because I have felt like lately, that I've dealt with everything head on. That day, I couldn't look 8 months into the future and see where I am and where Olivia was. And that was hard. But I can look back at that day and be amazed about how far I've come. I may overcome little obstacles in my life but I know I can get through anything when I remember that day. It was almost so painful that I couldn't bear it but at the same time, I could because I felt so at peace. All this inner turmoil but somehow I got through it and I know I'm here today because God has helped me through so much.
Speaking of the Temple, D&V are coming out next month and we've been talking about their sealing day. I'm excited for them. I would love to watch them come out of the Temple and know that they're now an eternal family. I know they've been counting down the days and I'm right along with them. I can't wait for them to be with each other for Eternity. And I can't wait to be with Tayler for Eternity.
I can't wait to see you all there to celebrate our wedding day. And for my family to see me and Tayler in the Temple.
I'm so incredibly blessed to have such supportive friends and family. :) Thank you!