Friday, May 28, 2010

Temple Thoughts

I honestly don't know how to write about what I'm thinking right now. I have plenty of mixed emotions. It might be that I've been pretty sick the past couple of days. It's not awful. Just that dreadful I want to lay in bed feeling, sore throat, headache. Whatever. And I'm on the verge of tears? Really?

I am happy but so stressed out. Probably over nothing.

I just graduated dental assisting school. I'm currently looking for a job. I had an interview the other day- it went well. They're just looking for somebody with more experience. They had like 4 different dentists at that office and they all have different techniques that I'd have to learn. And my sister said that she worked for an office like that and had 3 different dentists and that was hard for her. So I'm hoping soon I'll find a job.

I'm also stressed probably over the littlest things.

You know, I look at people's wedding pictures who get married in the temple and I am envious. I read about people getting married right now and how so many people ask, "What temple are you getting married in?" I can't say I'm getting married in the temple right now, we're waiting a year to be sealed. That's a personal decision and a bishop's recommendation.
I'm genuinely happy for those people so why can't I be happy for myself? The ultimate goal for me is to go to the Temple but I can't be there?

I've had people ask why not. I've had people judge and think that me and Tayler are terrible people. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever felt this way by people. I've had someone say, "Maybe it's not the timing, maybe it's just the person." I'm happy with Tayler. More than I've ever been with anybody. I'm just unhappy with myself. I think, maybe if I just did everything right in the first place, that's where I'd be going right now.

I look back and I would have NO idea where I'd be if I did that. Would I be with my soul mate?

God gives us trials to learn from them. I went through so much hell to bring myself to happiness. Ive been brought back to the Gospel. Probably by not the most ideal way, unplanned pregnancy, but that's the wake up call I needed. And you know, if I did stay on the right path, I probably would've never met Tayler. I met Tayler because I signed up for LDS Singles with a friend just jokingly to go out with people.

I never knew I was going to find my best friend.

So, as I sit here wiping away tears. I don't want you all to think that I've given up on the Temple. It is our goal and we're working on it as a couple. And it's the toughest thing as a couple that we'll probably ever endure. But I'm learning from it. Every single experience that I've encountered, I've learned from it and I grow from it. I'm so grateful for that. And trust me, I'll be celebrating the day that I get a Temple Recommend. When I walk through the doors with my husband and come out as eternal companions. I want that more than anything.

This is Tayler's adorable handwriting. These were the notes that were on the roses the day he proposed.

I remember the other night I was just talking to Tayler and I was just remembering everything from the hospital. It does almost feel dreamlike sometimes. I'll look at pictures and I look at my hot body now (HA!) and I'm like, Daaaaaang. I had a baby 8 months ago?! I just told him every single detail about that day even though he read my labor and delivery story. But it's always something different when I tell somebody about it. I really had to dig deep to find the emotions that I had that day. Because I have felt like lately, that I've dealt with everything head on. That day, I couldn't look 8 months into the future and see where I am and where Olivia was. And that was hard. But I can look back at that day and be amazed about how far I've come. I may overcome little obstacles in my life but I know I can get through anything when I remember that day. It was almost so painful that I couldn't bear it but at the same time, I could because I felt so at peace. All this inner turmoil but somehow I got through it and I know I'm here today because God has helped me through so much.

Speaking of the Temple, D&V are coming out next month and we've been talking about their sealing day. I'm excited for them. I would love to watch them come out of the Temple and know that they're now an eternal family. I know they've been counting down the days and I'm right along with them. I can't wait for them to be with each other for Eternity. And I can't wait to be with Tayler for Eternity.

I can't wait to see you all there to celebrate our wedding day. And for my family to see me and Tayler in the Temple.
I'm so incredibly blessed to have such supportive friends and family. :) Thank you!

484 more days until forever starts :)


  1. I don't often comment on your blog, I'm one that feels it is best to try to stay out of the life of my daughter peers. I don't want to meddle, but this time I'm going to post.

    Although we (memebers of the church) put such a high priority on temple marriage, it doesn't have to be right off. There is wisdom in your case to wait a year to go, and wisdom to get married and not risk temptation more.

    I come from a family where grandparents, and parents were not married in the temple at first, sealings came later, much later than the year. What matters is that eventually you go and take part of those ordinances. Take the time to continue to learn and to grow to understand and prepare yourself for that time.

    It is okay, and when you are sealed you will feel gratitude in away others will not relate to.

    You have been through a great deal in the past and you are still learning and growing. There is no shame in that. Hold your head hi, put your trust in God. All will be well.

    Something I have learned about the atonement is that if we are on that path that everyday we repent and try to move closer to God we will be alright no matter what.

    Don't let people bother you with some of the callousness and try not to look too much into things they say. They may not be meaning what you think and have not walked the path you have taken.

    So put that picture of a temple on your wall, and when you are married put them everywhere, postcards on the fridge, on your mirrors, on your walls to remind you daily of your goals. You will get there and enjoy the journey of getting there. Trust me you will be more prepared than many girls your age that take for granted that they will go to the temple and do very little to think about what they will be learning when they go.

  2. I didn't know you were feeling sick! I'm sorry. Just being under-the-weather can make me more emotional. You will be there soon and it will be worth the wait!

    I read "484" and thought "no way! I can't believe their wedding is that far away!" Then I realized it's the countdown to the sealing. Very cool. :)

  3. Oh, Stef, I just want to tell you how I love you, and am so proud of you. Maybe that's a weird thing for a girl who you haven't seen in years to say, but it's true. I just think you're amazing. Really truly.

  4. Stef, you are amazing! I love you to death! I'm so happy for you guys--you're great!


  5. Marriage in the temple is a wonderful thing! But don't beat yourself up over the fact that you can't do it right away. You have righteous desires that will keep you on the path to a temple marriage. You really have come a long way and are amazing! Congrats on graduating! You are at such a crossroads right now that it is normal to have these feelings. You are so normal!

  6. Stefanie-
    Because I was a convert, my husband and I, also had to wait to be sealed. But I look at it in two ways. As much as I would love to say I got married in the Temple- we got two beautiful days dedicated to ourselves. Exactly a year later, we were sealed. We grew spiritually with each other. We knew when we were sealed, we were doing it with all of the right thoughts in our mind. It was the most amazing experience. But I wouldn't trade our wedding day either. My family (who is not LDS) got to see us be joined together. They got to witness and bear testimony to our love and it was amazing. We got to have people read at our wedding and make it our own day. It was simply amazing. You will have an amazing wedding day- and an amazing sealing when you get sealed. Do what is right for you and don't worry about what others think. It simply won't make a difference when you are married and it is the two of you against the rest of the world. I know how hard it can be to be where you are and people being so judgemental (I grew up in Wyoming and lived in SLC for 5 years). But you are doing great and I am so proud of you. Keep it up!!! And remember God knows what He is doing. He has this amazing plan for you and it has been thought out, not by someone who means nothing,... but by someone who means EVERYTHING! Trust in Him that He has given your Bishop some amazing insight and is doing this to better you. It will be amazing! I don't remember anything much about our sealing day, other than crying with an overwhelming feeling of peace and looking into my husband's eyes and my grandfather crying. It was the most sacred and beautiful experience I have had- and that is what it is suppose to be. I am here if you need someone to talk to. Hang in there girl!!!

  7. Wow... I don't know how to explain it, but I really needed to read this post, Stefanie. I've had a lot of similar thoughts go through my mind (although, I'm not engaged..) lately and I love reading you bear your testimony of how important a Temple sealing is to you, even though it won't be immediate. I would love to hug you and tell you how amazing and strong I think you are!

  8. Stefanie,

    I'm so happy to hear this from you! I know you and I don't know a ton about each other but I was so excited to hear that you have temple marriage in sight. Way to freaken go girl friend! I'm counting down the days with you. it will be the most amazing day of your life i'm sure:)


  9. you inspire me. i read your blog from time to time and you are inspirational and i think you should know that.

  10. I love what Tigersue said.

  11. Sweetie, YOUR AMAZING! Don't let anyone tell you different! You know God knows your heart and your desires and that is all that matters. ALl those people can stuff it! Don't let anyone make you feel less or that your Wedding day will be less because its not in the temple! CELEBRATE YOUR BEGINING PROUDLY! Hold your head up! Remember YOU OWE NO ONE AN EXPLANATION!! Those who know you, love you and support won't judge you! I did not have a temple marriage first! My parents were inactive at the time, my family means more to me than anything! I had always dreamed of walking down towards my husband with little flower girls and all! I got that! Then a year later we were sealed for all time in the Washington D.C. temple! Only my father was able to make it. But both days are very special to me! You hang in there! You have a keeper! EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! I sorta believe in my heart (maybe naive) that birth mothers in the pre-existance saw the children needing to go to families that would not be able to and they had so much love they said they would help these families out. I feel things are pre-destined in ways! Just my thoughts. But if I am right then you are more special than you know! Only the strongest and most valiant children of God go through the hardest earthly trials because God knows they will be ok and make it in the end! I hope that helped you feel better! YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH! Your doing what is right for YOU AND TAYLER! In the end that is all that matters! HUGS

  12. Stefanie,

    I wish I knew you, because just from reading your blog I am so happy for you and very proud of the how your life experiences are making you such a stronger person. Sometimes I feel that so many people are so narrow minded because they have lived such simple lives. I said in an earlier comment that you would be a great YW leader. My 15 year old (adopted daughter) would love to have someone like you at our ward.

    I really like Tigersue's comment and I am glad I kept reading because Karine's comment made me get teary eyes.

    Keep us in mind if your feeling down. I am looking up to you!