Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Just a Glimpse

It's a pretty late night. I figured I'd just take a minute and capture everything that has happened this past weekend before I forget. Tayler came to visit for a little, I wanted him to see Olivia (also D, V, & B of course). So, I totally forgot my memory card for my camera so the only ones I have are the ones from my phone. But V took some pictures for us on her camera. But I probably won't get the pictures until next week. They're borrowing Kingsburg and Tayler will be in town (We're getting our engagements done on Monday. I can't wait!) this weekend. I just saw Eclipse with my friends McCall and Emmalee from work. They will also be my bridesmaids :) Along with my 3 sisters and Tayler's 2 sisters (I hope). I really missed Jessica tonight. She and I went saw the midnight showing of New Moon together. That was one of the best midnight showings I had ever been to with her, that's probably why Eclipse wasn't that great to me.

I just felt like in the movie that everyone just wanted to get up on each other. I'm like, thanks. I feel super uncomfortable. My personal space was violated.

This weekend, me and Tayler when to Dustinn and Val's cabin.

Well, I was seriously so happy the moment we walked in the door to the cabin. Olivia came crawling around the corner and just stared at us when we walked in. Bradshaw came running up saying, "Hi friends!" And greeted by hugs from Dustinn and Val. We all had a great time just sitting around, talking, laughing, joking, playing our games, playing hide and seek with Bradshaw, watching Olivia just cuddle up next to Tayler and give him the sweetest hugs. She was so intrigued by him. It was so cute. She would just flirt with him from across the room. It was so stinkin' adorable. I seriously, can NOT wait to have kids with this guy. Okay, I can wait. But, it'll seriously be amazing when I do.

I caught a quick glimpse. But at the same time. A little trigger. I kept it inside most of the night until our drive down the canyon.

We gave Olivia a bottle because she was tired and Dustinn put her in her crib to sleep probably around 9. She woke up again a little bit before Val's sister came through the door. Bradshaw and Olivia started crying at the same time. So while Val tended to Bradshaw (Dustinn had to unlock the gates for L) I picked up Olivia out of her crib. Okay, her bedhead was so adorable. Even though she was crying, I thought she was the cutest thing. I laughed and I was like, yeah. That's totally me when I get woken up or have to wake up early in the morning. Tayler was in the living room and he told me to sit in the rocking chair and try to rock her back to sleep. It seriously took everything in me not to break out into tears in this next moment. Tayler brings over this blanket and drapes it around Olivia and me and kisses my forehead. It was a small, simple gesture but it was a HUGE deal. When I was telling him how I felt on the drive down, I sort of laughed at myself while I was crying and said outloud, "It was just a blanket. But it meant so much."

I told him every little thing that went through my head. The first thought when getting Olivia: This is how it would be if I would've parented. It seriously felt so natural and so right. I wasn't bugged about her waking up crying (but that's probably because I wasn't asleep. It was probably around 11.)I just loved her so much in that moment. My second thought: The hospital. It probably felt so natural because I did have to wake up to her when she was crying. I couldn't just say, "Oh, your mom will come get you." I was her mother. I probably have felt little things to an extent what it's like to be a mother but I genuinely, cherish that moment. I'm not sure how many more experiences I will have just picking her up and rocking her to sleep while she cries. I had my two days. I don't get anymore than that. But when I watched her/baby sat her for two weeks after. I had a little taste of taking care of a baby after being home from the hospital for those two weeks. I saw her again a few months later a handful of times. It just sort of felt like, I was with friends, holding THEIR baby. Then I have this moment, where for a split second, she was mine again.

Oh how much I just miss calling her mine. How much I have just wanted to hold her and rock her and I got that chance and it's just incredible.

I was just telling Tayler all these little thoughts that popped into my mind. When he came over and brought me the blanket. It again, felt natural. How much I know that it's not just me that he loves. That he's going to love our future children. Just that little act meant so much to me.

It just makes me reflect, if I would have parented. Would her bio dad been there for her? He probably would tell me right now, yeah. But that's because he's lost her. But he's not the only one experiencing the loss. I lost too. I broke my heart just so she could have that. So she could have a father and it seriously has brought me so much joy to see that influence in little Olivia's life.

So that brings me to my last thought. If I would have parented. Where would I be? I probably wouldn't even be near as strong as I am today. Who knows, I could have had to go to court for some assigned agreement that there would be joint custody. How far would I really be? How far would she really be? I'm sure I would be grateful. But would I be as happy? Would I feel remorseful, knowing that I couldn't give her everything she wanted? I would love to say yes. It could've happened. But I don't know that. Sometimes life is about taking risks but I didn't want to risk my daughter's happiness. If I knew something was going to give her immediate happiness and the best life that she could have, adoption was what was best for me. Some days are hard. Especially weekends like these, but it's another rock that I've had to stumble over to keep me in balance.

Sometimes, I do need to realize that I know many people read this and hang by my every word. That puts a little pressure on me. I think someone made me realize that on my formspring. That I shouldn't be ashamed about having a Temple marriage. I'm used to just trying to impress people. I know where I'm going in life and what I'm doing. I don't need to impress anybody. I've lost some sight of what I'm in this life for and I do need to know it's for me and for God. Not anyone else. Sorry guys, you don't have that much influence on me. ;) I will experience life for myself, not for anyone. I'm sure some of the experiences I have affect other people but ultimately, everything is up to me. I'm the one who is going to have to live with it. Not you. I sometimes forget that I write for me or atleast need to. But lately, it seems like I've written for everyone else. I know you all have good intentions. I don't mind the advice but I'll do what I want. My 200th blog post will be coming up in the next 4 posts, if anybody has any ideas for me to write about. Let me know on my formspring or if you have any questions for me. You can do it all anonymously. Or via blog comments. I'd love to hear from any of you!

Here are some pictures from the weekend (remember some are from my camera phone):

BTW. Have I ever mentioned how much I love notebook doodles?

I went to the dentist today and got my fillings redone on the front teeth (I had been bleaching my teeth and I have fillings on the top part that had to be replaced because they were yellow, my previous tooth color, I really didn't like brushing my teeth as a child with braces). They are now sparkling white! :) I definitely like to smile more now.

I'm getting my hair done on Thursday. Yes, I'm taking out the blonde window. I'm going all red and getting my hair trimmed. I'm also getting my nails done on Saturday. Probably the first time since high school. No luck on my job interviews. But, who knows. There could possibly be an assistant manager position for me at my work. I'll let you know later when I have more details. :)



  1. wow Stef. That was a GOOD post. I love you. You teach me so much. You're amazing.

  2. I love this post, Stefanie. :-)

  3. I love this post too... seriously I wish I could write and express things half as good as you do! The pictures are adorable too..