38 weeks and hormonal.

38 weeks along today.

I'm totally despising the hormonal part of being pregnant. I don't like crying. More like, I don't like showing my emotions that I do hurt. As much as I want to be strong during this time, I feel so weak also. I can't help it.

Today, Loni and I had to go over the relinquishment papers in our meeting. I was pretty good at not crying until after we had finished them and she asked me what I thought.

They're pretty brutal. Right at the top of the paper it says, "Relinquishment of parental rights, consent to adoption and consent to termination of parental rights."

I'm not going to say what's all on it but it says,

"I understand that by signing this Relinquishment, I am giving up all my parental rights to this child."

"I understand that this Relinquishment, is final and irrevocable the moment I sign it and I cannot change my mind after I sign this document."

"I consent to the absolute and final termination of my parental rights."

I can't sign these papers until 24 hours after I've delivered and I can't be on any medication. N has his own papers to sign to reliquinsh his rights. I need to talk to him about whether or not he's going to be in the room with me and sign papers together or whatever. I don't mind him being there. It might help to not do it alone.

Loni was trying to tell me that even though when I sign these papers it doesn't mean it takes away that I'm her mom. I'm just not parenting her.
I just can't stop crying now. I've made it through most of the day without crying. But since it's in the back of my mind the little things frustrate me or make me emotional. Ha. Just barely, you guys will probably laugh why I'm crying. I have family in town for my grandma's funeral. One of my family members decided to park right in the middle of the side of the road where I park. Not being very considerate of leaving me a space to park. I'm sure I could've fit a normal car there. I drive a freaking BOAT. My family was outside watching me as I'm turning my car around to park somewhere else or into a small space. And watching me as I'm getting out of my car. I'm like, please, keep staring at me like I'm an idiot. I just run into the house and go straight to my room and cry... and cry... and cry.

I don't want to be pregnant. I want to have Olivia but at the same time I don't. It's uncomfortable the last few weeks of pregnancy. But these are the last few weeks where I'm her mom. Loni told me to go home and just spend time with her. It sounded pretty weird to me at first. But she was saying, this is the only time you have now before she's born to read stories to her, to listen to your favorite music together, or watch your favorite movies together. Ha, it's not like she's here. She's just a part of me. That's how she'll always be. Just a part of me. I'm not going to parent her, I'm not going to see her everyday or every week like other birthmoms get to. I get to see her maybe a few times a year and get pictures whenever. But that's what I wanted. I wanted D and V to be the parent and I know I would try to step in or try to go over everyday to be her mom. I can't do that. I made a choice to give up my parental rights.