Thursday, September 10, 2009

38 weeks and hormonal.

38 weeks along today.

I'm totally despising the hormonal part of being pregnant. I don't like crying. More like, I don't like showing my emotions that I do hurt. As much as I want to be strong during this time, I feel so weak also. I can't help it.

Today, Loni and I had to go over the relinquishment papers in our meeting. I was pretty good at not crying until after we had finished them and she asked me what I thought.

They're pretty brutal. Right at the top of the paper it says, "Relinquishment of parental rights, consent to adoption and consent to termination of parental rights."

I'm not going to say what's all on it but it says,

"I understand that by signing this Relinquishment, I am giving up all my parental rights to this child."

"I understand that this Relinquishment, is final and irrevocable the moment I sign it and I cannot change my mind after I sign this document."

"I consent to the absolute and final termination of my parental rights."

I can't sign these papers until 24 hours after I've delivered and I can't be on any medication. N has his own papers to sign to reliquinsh his rights. I need to talk to him about whether or not he's going to be in the room with me and sign papers together or whatever. I don't mind him being there. It might help to not do it alone.

Loni was trying to tell me that even though when I sign these papers it doesn't mean it takes away that I'm her mom. I'm just not parenting her.
I just can't stop crying now. I've made it through most of the day without crying. But since it's in the back of my mind the little things frustrate me or make me emotional. Ha. Just barely, you guys will probably laugh why I'm crying. I have family in town for my grandma's funeral. One of my family members decided to park right in the middle of the side of the road where I park. Not being very considerate of leaving me a space to park. I'm sure I could've fit a normal car there. I drive a freaking BOAT. My family was outside watching me as I'm turning my car around to park somewhere else or into a small space. And watching me as I'm getting out of my car. I'm like, please, keep staring at me like I'm an idiot. I just run into the house and go straight to my room and cry... and cry... and cry.

I don't want to be pregnant. I want to have Olivia but at the same time I don't. It's uncomfortable the last few weeks of pregnancy. But these are the last few weeks where I'm her mom. Loni told me to go home and just spend time with her. It sounded pretty weird to me at first. But she was saying, this is the only time you have now before she's born to read stories to her, to listen to your favorite music together, or watch your favorite movies together. Ha, it's not like she's here. She's just a part of me. That's how she'll always be. Just a part of me. I'm not going to parent her, I'm not going to see her everyday or every week like other birthmoms get to. I get to see her maybe a few times a year and get pictures whenever. But that's what I wanted. I wanted D and V to be the parent and I know I would try to step in or try to go over everyday to be her mom. I can't do that. I made a choice to give up my parental rights.


  1. :) I think you are the strongest person I know! As an adoptive parent I am thankful for you! I am thankful that you birthmothers are the rock of what adoption is about.

  2. Thanks, that means a lot. Ha. Geez. You're going to make me cry again. But it's all right :)
    Andee and I were talking about this the other day. It's totally unfair for adoptive couples. I mean, they're the ones that deserve to have babies. Not kids who mess up and make mistakes. I wish I could be the fertility fairy and give everyone the chance to be a mommy or to have a baby.
    There's heartache on both sides on adoption. Adoptive couples with fertility and birthmothers with loss. But it's not exactly a loss. We're all gaining something. Blessings, Life experiences, More family.
    Andee and I were saying we couldn't more grateful but to the families who are raising our babies because there is no way they could have this amazing life without them in it.
    And I know your birthmom is grateful for you as you are for her. :)

  3. You impress me. =] Happy baby-birth-giving!

  4. Justin, you always seem to disappear and re-appear into my life. Pretty sure I was the one to e-mail you last and got nothing. I'm hurt. :(

  5. You're right, I do owe you one. I'll make up for it and write you a novel tomorrow night. I promise!!

  6. YAY! I'll be waiting for it :) 5 o's!

  7. You and Andee are so wise beyond your years..

  8. I agree with Mandy Jo!
    Stefanie you are such a sweet heart! I'm sorry you are feeling so emotional right now. You have every right to though.
    Gosh you are such a strong woman and I admire you so much. Your words above were so sweet and kind and totally made me cry. Olivia is lucky to have you as a part of her life!
    I really like what Loni told you. I think that is wise counsel. I hope you do get to enjoy every bit of these last days of being Olivia's mom. I'm praying for you! I know that Heavenly Father Loves you so much and is so proud of the person you have become!

  9. I am sorry you are going thru this. You are a strong young lady and I admire you. Your are bringing a blessing to this world and dont think of it as a mistake think of it as an event in your life. And yes do what Loni told you to do even though she aint born yet, spend time with her before birth. Think of it as you were always with her 24/7 since the day she became OLIVIA all these 9 months you gave her life and you were there with her since the beginning. I am sure you will keep contact with her throught the years. Dont get depressed (hormones) live happy, cause OLIVIA is going through the same think she has feelings too and shes aware of whats going on with you. While I was pregnant and I would get into discussion with the fathers baby my baby will start kicking like crazy. Youre a true blessing for this family. Keep your head up and smile. She will be here SOON!

  10. You are brave. You are courageous. You don't know me, but I am praying for you! Stay strong.

  11. i wish i had had the chance to read through the papers before the day of. they are super harsh. you can do it stef. i know you can.

  12. I totally understand the hormonal crying. There are so many times that I have a good reason to cry, but then something dumb is what sets me off.

    I wish I could give you something that would ease things for you. I'm glad that you are trying to view this as a good life experience. Even hard things can be good.

  13. Wow this post is so heartbreaking; you are so brave.
    There are no words to encompass how eternally grateful we are to you. Or, to thank you for how much happiness you are bringing us. You are our angel. Thank you thank you.

  14. I have a present for you on my blog :)
    You are amazing! :)

  15. Stef... you are in our thoughts and prayers. Please know that I have been thinking of you and hoping you are well. I cannot say that I've walked a mile in your shoes or know exactly what you are going through, but I want you to know that I appreciate your courage and love for Olivia. We hope and pray the rest of your pregnancy goes well and the birthing time is a smooth one. :) We are excited to see pics or even see you in person if you feel up to it. :) We shall play it by ear and wait to hear how you are feeling.

    As for the emotional moments during pregnancy...Towards the end I seriously would cry during the most random times. Usually during spiritual moments or thinking of things I am grateful for.... or loved ones/friends etc.... Please remember the LORD loves you more than you can imagine Stef. You are his child and one of his greatest creations. We love you. Hang in there. :)

  16. Hey, i don't know if you remember me from high school or not, I just saw the link to your blog on a friend's blog. I just wanted to tell you that I placed my son about 16 months ago, so I can honestly say I know how you feel. It's not easy, but it is so worth it. If you ever wanna talk to someone who's been there, I'd be more than willing to :) I'll keep you in my prayers
    Kiley Wardwell

  17. Stef! I Love you and I'll always keep you in my prayers! haha! I kinda laugh since September has come, I've been waiting everyday for a text or a call from you or something that you are in the hospital! haha! That's why I asked if you already delivered or not the other day! :D

  18. Sorry the Sofiana is My mom's username! It's me I promise! LOL ;)