I went to church yesterday. I also enjoy going because when I don't go it's like, "What if I was supposed to be there to hear something that I needed to hear?" or, "I needed to say something that someone needed to hear?" Well, in sacrament meeting this guy spoke it was about discipleship and one part of his talk totally stood out to me. I'm just paraphrasing.
But lately, I had been having thoughts of, "What if I told N the night that we broke up that I was pregnant?" "What would've happened if he had been there for me a lot more during the pregnancy?" "Would anything have changed?"
I remember that in the beginning and I started going to LDSFS that I had feelings that I was going to keep my baby. And so I was in that mindset for a while. Then I started going to groups and other girls were sharing their stories of placement. And it's just like my feelings had changed and I started questioning that maybe adoption is what I'm supposed to do. I always try to pray every night before I pass out or something or before I forget. But this time I needed to know. This isn't how I pray but I thought I'll tell you how I felt, "Okay, God. You gave me this answer, now I feel totally different. What's the real answer?" And I got the answer, "Figure it out yourself. Don't take the easy way out." I'm like, "Thanks God. There is no easy way!" Haha.
I tried thinking of a plan of how I was going to be a single parent and provide for my baby and myself, pay for a sitter, go to work, figure all of those things out and write out a budget and stuff. Then I was going to groups and hearing the stories of girls and their adoption plans/placement. I think it was just an easing into the thought of adoption gradually. It wasn't like, Okay. I'm going to do this right now! It was, "I think I'm okay with this." Or I know I'm okay with this.
But anyway, in this guys talk he said to have patience. And that God isn't just going to answer things for you right away. When you have patience you'll receive the answers you need. And what I got from it is that things will happen when you're patient and sometimes you don't need to look for the answer, it'll come to you when you're patient. And that's just how I feel that the answer of adoption just kind of fell into place. I didn't really need to search because I had the answer it just needed to work it's way into my life. And it did :)
I wanted God to answer my prayers... more like my problems. Problems with N, why couldn't have God just gave N the answer of being with me and raising our baby? Because that wasn't the answer. That was the immediate self-satisfying answer for me. Same with keeping. I had to patient with myself and with God to find the answer for myself and to ask Him with all the faith in me if it's the right decision.
It may not be the easiest decision but the right one.
I'm trying to think but one of my friends who I had told in the beginning she said to me that her dad saw things like this all the time and that girls will have the feeling to keep their babies in the beginning but later on will feel the spirit and touched by the Lord what they need to do. Because you're more thinking of your own needs and once you have a baby. It's not about you anymore.
So, it's hard for me to express the want for my baby because I feel selfish. I know where she belongs and what she deserves. And I know she deserves so much more than what I can give her.
Anyway, I thought I would tell you what happened yesterday. So after church I went home and my visiting teachers came over. Then we had dinner with my fambam, played some kingsburg. My brother in-law won the game for his first time playing AND we were celebrating his birthday that day. His birthday is September 20th. He told me one time to have Olivia on his birthday but my nephew took their wedding anniversary and one of nieces took my sister's birthday. haha. After the game, I went on a walk with my friend K. We walked for a while. From about 8:30-9:30. Then I went home and walked some more with my dog from about 9:30 to 10. Then walked again from 10:30 to 11. It's like once I get in the habit of walking, I keep on wanting to :) And if it helps induce labor. I'M ALL FOR IT!
I've been bonding with Olivia by watching movies with her. Listening to music. I consider going to my grandma's funeral (beautiful service, by the way) a roadtrip, it was about 2 hours away. And I LOVE roadtrips. Then, I've read some books to her late at night before I go to sleep. :)
Anyway. After I got home, I just laid in bed and was reading a magazine and started feeling some contractions. I'm like cool... then it went away. I wasn't really expecting to go into labor. Then 15 minutes later another contraction, longer and stronger. They're probably lasting about 30 seconds. Every 15 minutes for 30 seconds, and they kept getting stronger. This lasted from about midnight until 2 in the morning. I then decided to take a shower to see if anything might happen. It slowed them down and I went to sleep. I woke up a few times in the night from contractions but nothing big. They're all gone now :(
No baby Olivia today.
Must keep thinking labor thoughts. :)