So this past week has definitely been a roller coaster for me.
It's had it's ups and downs.
I'll be 40 weeks along on Thursday!
I'll let you know what's been going on.
Since Friday. Well, on Saturday, D and V were trying to find another ticket for the BYU vs Florida State game. But they couldn't find another one so we ended up going to V's sister's apartment and watched the game. So shameful. :( I told N I was hanging out with them and if he ever wanted to we could have a movie night out at their cabin. And he wanted to know if we were doing something that night... but we were watching the game.
Sunday, I went to sacrament meeting. It was a pretty good meeting. I enjoyed. It was about being ward missionaries I think. Or being your own missionary? Ha. My memory is pretty bad. Then I sat around and watched Project Runway. Ha. I've never watched so many tv shows religiously in my LIFE. Let's see. N texted me around 4 and asked me what the plans were for the day because D and V were planning on doing a birthday party for B with their family. So I told him at 5 is when we were going to go down to Provo to a park and have cake and I asked him if he wanted a ride. We were going to follow D and V down to Provo but I left too late and they were already at my house when I went to pick up N so D just told my dad how to get there. We ended up using google maps on N's phone how to get there. We had some cake and played with bubbles. Haha. That's about it.
Right before we left, V's sister was talking to me about playing Nertz because we played Nertz out at the cabin the first night that D and V flew in. And N said to me, "What is that?" And I said, "It's a card game." And he said, "The one that we played on Thanksgiving?" And I had to think about it. I totally forgot that N spent Thanksgiving with my family. Well, we went up North and had Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunt and Uncle's house and with my parents and little sister. And after we ate dinner, I taught him how to play Nertz. N and I left and I think we went and saw Bolt that night. I don't remember. I said, "Oh yeah, I did teach you that. But you didn't like it." It was only us playing. It's a lot more fun when you have more people. And then N brought up Quirkle. We played that around Christmas with my family? Anyway.
On the ride back up, N said to me, "This might sound weird but I'm jealous of you." I asked him why. And he said, "Because you get to spend a lot more time with Olivia than I do." And he reached over and was rubbing my belly, he's been doing that a lot lately. I find this really funny, he'll ask, "Is she sleeping?" because she won't move. Then he'll move his hand and she'll start moving. I laugh everytime. He hates it. He did feel her move a little bit. Her foot was poking out and then she moved it back and he FREAKED! He yelled, "Oh my gosh! She moved!" I just kind of laughed because I'm used to it now but then I was thinking, he's never felt her move or kick or anything.
D, V, and N came over to my house for dinner. My parents taught D and V how to play Quirkle. N and I cheated and had an alliance going on. He would set up Quirkle's for me and such. I ended up being the winner of the game. :) But, don't tell anyone we cheated. Haha.
It was fun though. B and N are like best friends now.
D, V, N and I planned to go out to D&V's cabin to have a movie night. N picked me up around 4:30. We redboxed Race to Witch Mountain. We went to Albertson's and brought treats for everyone. On the way up the canyon we saw like 8 cop cars and a fire truck. It was intense. We had pizza and then after pizza I taught N how to play Kingsburg. N thought it was the coolest game of all time and wanted to keep playing. V won. Ha.
I thought this was really sweet. N got up to get a cookie and I told him he could bring me one. And he sat down and he said, "I already did. I figure you would want one after I got one."
We then put B to bed and watched Race to Witch Mountain. It was a pretty good movie. None of us had really seen it. N sat next to me and was just rubbing my belly the whole time trying to feel Olivia move. He was really excited because this is the first time she really moved for him. She wasn't as active, she's just really shy :) Everytime he'd feel her kick he'd look up at me and smile and laugh at the look on my face. Because her kicks are kind of powerful now. They can take out my ribs. That's for sure.
He would rub my belly and talk to her and tell her to come out and play. It was so sweet.
On the way down from the cabin N asked me if I thought it was awkward that he was rubbing my belly and I said no. We went to 7/11 to get gas and there were some kittens that I saw as we were pulling into the gas station and I asked him if I could go save them. And he just shook his head and laughed at me. So I went to go find them but they ran behind this fence so I couldn't save them.
I went inside and told N and he laughed and said he remembered that one time when we were at the roundabout and I saw this kitten with no tail and I wanted to save it and N told me no. And I started crying. I told him, I can't help it. They're just so cute and innocent. I told the people at the 7/11 that someone abandoned their kitties. But I guess there is a barn down the road and the kittens just run around at night up there.
On the freeway, there was someone going really slow with an Idaho license plate. And N was talking to me about the roadtrip that we took in January to Idaho. He said it reminded him that on the way back when me and my friend were sleeping he almost got pulled over 3 times. And I reminded him he got pulled over in Idaho though.
I asked him if it was weird to see me pregnant and he told me that I didn't look any different just that I have a belly. Then I asked him if it was weird to be hanging out with me and he said no. And he asked me the same thing and I just shook my head no. And he said, "Are you sure? That wasn't a very enthusiastic no." I said, "I don't know. I don't think it's weird."
I asked him what he thought about the name Olivia and he said he hadn't really thought about it after I told him they named her Olivia. He just wouldn't have named her that if he had a choice. I said, "Oh, what would you have named her?" And he said, "I don't know. My cousin's name is Olivia so I just wouldn't have picked it." And I told him that V was talking to me about names and wanted to name her after me and I told her no. But I told them I would name her Olivia if I was going to keep her and they just stuck with the name.
He told me that I guess someone in his family told his Aunt that he was having a baby and was going to place for adoption. And his Aunt wanted her daughter to adopt the baby. It was kind of a mutual feeling that he and I didn't want members of our own family raising our daughter. I was telling him that it was funny to me when I would tell people I was placing for adoption and they'd be like, "Oh. Have you picked a family?" Nah, I figure I'd wait until the baby was about a year old to pick a family. Duh. I need to know the family before I place my baby. I'm not going to give my baby to some strangers. I have to know and trust them. And I definitely do with D and V.
Anyway, so what I'm about to tell you is very real. I hope it doesn't freak anyone out. But imagine this conversation does come up between birthmothers and birthfathers (if they're talking/on good terms/whatever).
When I got home Olivia started moving around and I texted him, "I thought you should know, that now that I'm out of the car Olivia is using my insides as a jungle gym. She enjoys playing hide n seek with her daddy. haha!"
He said, "Lol. Maybe I just bore her. But I like hide and seek better."
I wrote back, "Nah. She's used to mommy's touch. She's really shy. She wouldn't move when I would try to feel her kick. But she's warmed up to me. Ha."
He said, "I see lol."
I then said to him, "I'm going to be random. It's only weird sometimes. Even after all this time I still have feelings for you but I know we can't ever get back together. Even though sometimes it'd be nice to be with someone, especially someone who's helped create someone else. But I can't do anything about it. Does that make sense?
This might sound weird but the night we broke up I wanted to tell you I was pregnant. But I didn't have any proof. I had a feeling I was though. :/"
He wrote back, "I'm not sure if it does but I kind of know what you mean. I really do still have feelings for you. I even think about what it would be like with you, me, and Olivia. But I still think this is what's best."
I wrote, "Yeah. I guess this is just how it's meant to be. I don't like to say what we did was a mistake because Olivia is supposed to be here with her family. With D and V. That's how I look at it. I'm probably going to warn you now it will be incredibly difficult for me to place her. So there might be times where I'll tell you that we should just raise her. It's just me being a mommy wanting my baby."
He asked, "So, I should tell you no right?"
I said, "Well, yeah. If you said yes I'd probably give in."
He wrote back, "I know what you mean. But who tells me no?"
I wrote, "I don't know. :( We'll just have to tell each other no? We'll just have to remember what's best for her right now."
He said, "I know but that's easy compared to actually doing it. And you know that too I guess."
I said, "Oh yeah. I can't even imagine how much it'll hurt. I can only anticipate for it. I'm scared a lot of the time that I'll change my mind. That's why I wanted you to be there too so I know i"m not alone and I didn't want you to be alone either."
He said, "I know."
Then I told him I was going to bed.
I know it's going to be really hard. But I realized if me and N did stay together and we decided to place for adoption it'd be A LOT harder. I think he had to hurt me to become as strong as I am now to be able to place Olivia in a home with parents who love her and are ready for her now. N and I love her, we're just not ready/prepared to be her parents.
I think a lot of what me and N are feeling towards is each other is because of the bond we have with Olivia. I'm sure if she wasn't here that we probably wouldn't even be talking like that or at all.
As much as people are closed minded about adoption and believe that birthmoms just give up their baby because they don't love them. It's not true, at all. I wish I could be Olivia's mom with everything that I have. I love her and it's extremely difficult not to have a bond with someone you've created and has lived inside of you the past 9 months. To see her in ultrasounds, to feel her kicking, you never want to forget those moments you've had. Because that's the time I'll be her mom and be with her everyday.
Olivia won't be living in state. I'll see her a few times a year when some birthmoms I know see their babies almost every week or atleast once a month. But I know I'll cherish the times that I do get to see her. Because some birthmoms with closed adoptions never get to see their kids or contact them after they're born (it's mostly the birthmom's choice now that open adoption is more common). I feel lucky to know where Olivia is and what and how she's doing and feel the comfort that she's going to an amazing family and grow up in a great, stable home. Even though, I won't be parenting her or be her "mom", in my heart, she's always going to be my daughter.
Here I am at 39 weeks. :) I hope she's dropped.
My doctors appointment is tomorrow morning. EEK. I need to do some walking!
2 more days until my due date!
6 days (if I need to be) until I'm induced!