Yeah. That picture was kind of how I was feeling in institute today. Probably not the same meaning. (Player=Gets settled down=Game Over) I was feeling like, Game over for me! I'm not getting married! There is no way that could happen after this class. My BFF, my future MOH, Alyssa told me that she had been going to institute. I thought that would be fun because one of the classes she is taking is called, "Preparing for an Eternal Marriage." Perfect. Just what I need to get off my mind of being baby hungry is to get wedding hungry. I'm sure my boyfriend just LOVES it.
Class was about: The Law of Chastity.
It shouldn't come to a big surprise to ya'll that I haven't kept the Law of Chastity. If you don't know how babies are made, I advise you to Google. No images please.
We started talking about how Joseph was a servant to Potipher and how Potipher's wife, day after day, would tell Joseph to lie with her. And in Genesis 39:36 it says to the the extent that he wouldn't even be around her. So with that, not to get yourself into compromising situations where something COULD happen. Common sense. Yes? The natural man does take over if we're not careful.
Well, we covered a talk called, "Personal Purity" by Elder Holland.
In the eyes of me, it probably the harshest talk that I had ever read. It felt as if I was being kicked in the face a million times.
The three topics that were covered were: The Doctrine of the Human Soul, The Ultimate Symbol of Total Union, A Symbol of the Relationship with God.
I'll just write some of the quotes that were taken out of this talk that we talked about.
The Doctrine of the Human Soul.
"In sexual transgression the soul is at stake- the body and the spirit."
Yeah, not so bad. It makes sense... it gets worse.
The Ultimate Symbol of Total Union.
"The Prophet Joseph Smith once said we perhaps could render such a sacred bond as being "welded" one to another." - If you don't know much about welding. When you weld two metals together and melt them into one, it's a stronger piece than when it was two separate pieces in the beginning. Much harder to break.
"But such a total union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with solemn promises and the pledge of all they possess- their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams." - Yes, it's a good thing to have the covenant between a man and a woman. The promises they make to each other and for each other.
We went later on saying that we kind of go through a moral schizophrenia, if we don't have that marriage covenant. Because in the world, marriage is ancient. It's cool to just live with each other and never have the commitment to get married. And what the teacher said made TOTAL sense to me because it was a fear of mine. That you come home and find that they aren't there anymore. It was a daily thing for me that the boys I was dating would just walk out the door any moment, change their minds over night. I HATED that feeling. It was heartbreaking.
This part kind of cut deep.
"You cannot give everything until you are legally and lawfully married. To give illicitly that which is not yours to give (remember, "you are not your own") and to give only part of that which cannot be followed with the gift of your whole self is emotional Russian roulette. If you persist in pursuing physical satisfaction with the sanction of heaven, you run the terrible risk of such spiritual, psychic damage that you may undermine both your longing for physical intimacy and your ability to give wholehearted devotion to a later, truer love."
Well, shit. To put it lightly.
This part got to me THE worst.
"On your wedding day the very best gift you can give your eternal companion is your very best self- clean and pure and worthy of such purity in return."
I turned to Alyssa and I said, "I have to apologize to Tayler." It hit me THAT hard. I said it out loud as soon as I read it.
I'll move on to the last one before I continue my story.
A Symbol of the Relationship with God.
"One aspect of that divinity given to virtually all men and women is the use of His power to create a human body, that wonder of all wonders, a genetically and spiritually unique being never before seen in the history of the world and never to be duplicated again in all the ages of eternity."
And going on with that, the teacher started saying how awesome it was about having a baby in the hospital. To look at it and think that it wasn't alive 9 months ago. And there it was in your arms, living, breathing.
Thanks for the reminder.
I was feeling pretty down on myself.
I was going through all of that thinking, there is NO way Tayler could want me. I couldn't give him the best thing he could have on his possible wedding day. After all of it I texted him and told him the quote and right after I said, "I'm sorry :("
And this is why I'm probably fallen madly in love with this guy.
"Babe. You are working towards that pure and clean part. You know that when we go to the temple all of our past sins will be gone right? The slate will be clean."
I said, "I should've been in the first place."
Okay, listen. I'm not the type of girl to be fishing for compliments from boyfriends. Tayler tells me everyday how wonderful I am(not to be bragging or anything.). But I honestly was feeling WAY down. I read back through it I'm like... did I really just say that?
He said, "Don't beat yourself up for your past. If you didn't do what you did then Olivia would of never been born and you probably would of never met me."
I said, "I just don't feel worthy of you."
He said, "Honey, you've gone through all of that to show what you do deserve. A temple marriage and a worthy husband. I want to be that husband for you. And yes you do deserve someone caring and pure and worthy. I want to be that person for you. Believe in yourself and don't be hard on yourself for what's happened. Embrace it and learn from it. I know you can."
I finally had to get it through my brain that I am able to return to purity and that I will be able to make it to the temple someday. Right now, there are so many new emotions and triggers that I never knew about until today. And I'm just learning how to overcome the obstacles, one day at a time. I need to learn even though the pain that I feel right now may feel awful and dreading but as I'm going through my repentance process, I will begin to feel less and less pain from my past and will be able to learn from it. I sometimes preach, but don't take the advice for myself. I was talking to Andee about this post a little bit before and she said that the first year is the hardest. I'm beginning to believe it. And what Kiley has said (she had a little boy almost 2 years ago and placed for adoption. I went to high school with her.), "The hole in my heart gradually gets smaller but it never goes away."
Yep, I took this picture of the Salt Lake Temple. I know when you look at this and think, Stefanie has this hidden talent of some photog skills and made this Temple look absolutely gorgeous. It already is gorgeous, how can you not look at it and think, "I'd love to get married there." I do every time I see it.
I need to see my goal. And remember the Atonement, there was a quote by C.S. Lewis. Oh what a spiritual man. He said, "He [Christ] has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man in the world."
I almost feel when I compare what I've done in my life to Christ's atonement. What I've done isn't nearly as bad as what Christ had to go through and I'm grateful that He has. To remind me what I need to be grateful for. And that because of that sacrifice alone, I can return to him, I can repent and become clean, pure, and worthy again.
I hope this has helped someone who has struggled with some of the same things that I have had such as becoming worthy again, and that it IS possible. Trust me.
I have reminders everyday of how lucky I am to be here and it's these two faces right here: