So, I'm pretty sure I've been hacked in my Hotmail and my Facebook. I've had to change my passwords everytime to get onto them. And now Facebook won't send me a reset password so I've made a new e-mail and facebook. I can still get on my old hotmail account. I just won't be using it. So if you would like my new e-mail, e-mail my old account and I'll e-mail it to you.
Now I've gotten that out of the way. We'll talk about my date. This will be sort of funny because he has a facebook. He will probably get on here and read this and think I'm a FREAK. Go figure. Who doesn't?
This is how I looked.
24 weeks baby. I got nothin'. I'm going to talk to my doctor about this because I think I'm WAY small to be 24 weeks. I just want to make sure Olivia is growing alright in there.
I know my date from work, I actually knew him before he went on his mission. I was 16 and he was 19. Now I'm 19 and he's 21. WHAT. Anyway, he came to my house and picked me up and met my parents. Then we went to Applebee's. We decided we were going to go see Terminator so I had the idea to go get candy at Wal*Mart because it was so much cheaper there then it was at the movies. We got our candy and as we were walking out, guess who was walking in? You got it baby, N was. Ha. We exchanged quick hi's. But I wanted to book it out of there. My date didn't know who he was so luckily, it was not awkward for him.
So before Terminator we played in the arcade in the theater. One of the games at my dollar in quarters. :[ we were in an intense ninja killing game. Then he took me home and walked me to my door and gave him a goodnight hug. The end.
It was fun being out with him. I had a good time. :] It wasn't boring or anything. We mostly talked about work. Go figure.
Let's see. My reaction to seeing N. I noticed he looked at my date. But I was sort of happy to see him seeing me moving on. It was sort of an accomplishment. And he's probably laughing at this while writing this. But this is not for his benefit. Then I got to thinking, if N came into my work with another girl. I would probably cry and want to die at the same time.
Earlier on Saturday at work, I got ambushed by the mexican mafia. Ha. No, these ladies at work had told me that I shouldn't place my baby up for adoption. At the time I thought I was keeping so they were like, that's good. They found out that I was placing. And they all came over and talked to me about it. They told me I was going to be a bad mom for placing. They told me that I could be the dad too and I didn't need to have N around or another guy. Ugh, as much as I would LOVE to be two people. Can't happen. But they wouldn't drop it. It annoyed me a lot. One of the ladies mom came over and told me that she would have my baby. And I was like, "Uh, no thanks." I started ignoring them and trying to think of things to do so I could have an excuse not to talk to them. They were telling me that if I wasn't making enough money I could get money from the state and get foodstamps. Uh, sorry, I'm pretty big on not having my kid live on welfare. Olivia deserves SO much more than I can give her.
At work, there were a few new people who annoyed me A LOT. I used to be just a regular, nice blunt person. Kind of joke about things. But lately, I've been a blunt beewitch. If you know what mean. I made a list of salad dressings that needed to get done. Saturdays are pretty busy so we needed to get them done. It was a pretty long list. The new people would stare at it. Kind of joke about it and be like, "Are you kidding me?! THIS IS SO MUCH!" I'm like, Yes, that's why we need to do it now to get it done. We have until 3-5 to do it. I made the list at 1:30. It didn't get started until an hour later because I had to set everything out for them :[ I made a few statements that I'm sure they didn't appreciate. They were looking at it for about the 39487294792384 time and I said, "Hey, I didn't make that list for you to stare at, I made it for you to do something." They kind of laughed it off like I was joking. The person who was helping bring the food out on the trays, they were standing there, not busy at all. And I said, "Hey, since you have the time to stand there, you can stand by the dressings an do them." There was probably much hate in their heart.
Anyway, today I went to a friend's ward and it was probably a good thing. My singles ward lesson was on LDS family services and adoption. Go figure. I learned that my family ward had the same one and that they talk about it once a year. And I got to miss it. But RuthAnn told me it was probably a good thing cause I didn't need to hear it. It also would've been awkward for me. I got irritated because people were texting me about it and I'm like, What exactly do you want me to say that? Cool?
I had NO idea. I couldn't magically make myself appear. There was a part of me that was mad because I didn't get to hear what other people said about it and I wasn't in the room. And I also was just upset from the day before from the people I work with telling me I was a bad mom for placing. I stopped hanging out with my friend and I just drove off in my car to the nearest park and BAWLED. There are just some days for me that I don't want to hear or talk about placing. And that time was the exact moment I didn't want to hear anything. I was frustrated for not being there. I was frustrated because if I was there then I would've just felt awkward. I was frustrated that I couldn't keep Olivia as much as I would love to. I was frustrated that people at work would badger me about my personal life. I was frustrated that I've been judged for being pregnant and single. I was frustrated at N for getting me pregnant (HA!). I was to the point that all of that frustration came out into heaps of tears. There are times that you truly just need to be alone and cry. And it's been a while where I've thought that I've been alone in this whole situation. More so in the beginning, I felt alone because N wasn't around. But at the same time I felt like there were so many people around me, huddling around me, keeping a close eye about what would happen, what decision I would make. It was a TON of weight on my shoulders. And then the weight had been lifted since I knew I was going to place. Then the weight came back on when people would tell me, I'm a bad mom for not keeping my daughter. Or I needed to give my daughter to them. Or they would watch my daughter for me until I was ready to have her back. That's NOTHING that I needed to hear. I didn't really want to hear anything. I wanted to block out what everyone was saying. Live in la-la land have Olivia and get out. Feel nothing, no emotion, just be happy that she'll be happy. But of course, I'm a girl, I'm carrying Olivia, I'm giving her life, I'm letting another family have the opprotunity to have kids. So it brings out A LOT of emotion. My bawling was an UGLY cry, you know, I haven't cried like that in a while. Not since me and N had broken up. When I've cried in front of people I don't let it all out. I HATE crying in front of people. I hate showing my emotion. Go figure pregnant hormones. My constant companion. I remember I was thinking and frustrated that N had abandoned our daughter. He abandoned me, he abandoned EVERYTHING. It hurt me inside because this sweet angel inside of me is the only thing that can make me happy. I don't see why he would want to be away from all that.
After my ugly cry session, I felt fine. I came home and ate dinner with my family. It hurts me to hide everything. It's hurt me to pretend that everything had been alright. Because there are days that I doubt that placing would be the best for her. But I know at the end of the day it will be the best for her. For me, after it's been done and finalized I will be in a numb state. Trust me. I will want to be alone. So if I don't answer your calls, e-mails, texts, whatever. It's probably one of those days. Just know, I'm alright on my own and I'll come to you if I need anything or I'll return your call.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.