Thursday, January 14, 2010

Adoption Chat

Today has been a pretty humbling day for me.

Start off with some good news. Jazz beat the Cavaliers!
The rookie (Gaines) on the Jazz team made a 3 pointer and the ending score came to be 97 to 96.
An intense game :)

I went to my post placement group tonight and we kind of talked about self worth and things. And for me, I've struggled with dealing that I am good enough that I have worth. D&C 18:10- Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.

I made the comment in group that our self worth is kind of based off of other people. Sometimes it's hard being a birth mom. You almost feel ashamed of your past. I mean, people can look at you and be like, "Oh you got knocked up?" You don't know the situation.
It was hard for me to tell Tayler about Olivia at first. It took a while to finally work up the courage and just be like, "Hey. I had a daughter and placed her for adoption." He said to me after I told him that, he thought about not talking to me after that then had the feeling that he should keep talking to me. And I'm grateful that he did. He always says to me, "What's in your past is in your past. Keep it that way. I forgive you for your past and see what effort you're making for your future."
He said another thing that he wishes that he had met me earlier and how much more happy he would be being with me. But I told him, if he met me a few years back. I was a psycho. He wouldn't have wanted to be with me. I'm a totally different person.

But going along with people can judge you for being a birth mom. They can physically see you pregnant out of wedlock and feel sorry for you. Or think you're a slut.
Go ahead and say it, "Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart." Samuel 16:7 King James Version

Physically, I was pregnant but no one will ever experience and the change of heart that I had so drastically just from having Olivia. I had one of the most humbling experiences just having Olivia. If I hadn't have placed or looked into adoption. I don't think I'd be the same person that I am right now. Such as making goals for myself to become temple worthy.
Only you and the Lord can have this experience.

A girl in my group tonight. I hadn't seen her come before but I work with her sister. And I was so impressed with what she said. And I'm excited to get to that point. She placed her daughter 2 1/2 years ago. And she was saying there is no reason to be ashamed of what happened in your past. With having a baby and placing for adoption. I don't want my daughter to think that I am ashamed of her and can't talk about her. I love my daughter as if she was my own.
She said that she used to not be okay with it and has finally come to terms. She's realized that she can sleep at night knowing that her daughter is happy and with who she's supposed to be with. That she had the experience that she saw her daughter with her parents come out of the temple sealed as an eternal family and that she just burst into tears. And at that moment she realized that God was letting her know that was her family.

Right after group there was a couple chat night? I'm not exactly sure what they call it but they had an "Ask a Birthmom" panel. So me and Alyssa were apart of it and 3 other birth moms. It was a bit nerve wrecking to have all of these questions thrown at you because I honestly don't feel like an expert in the adoption department. But it was just so amazing to feel how much love they have for birth moms.
They mostly just asked about what they should have on their profile and things and what sort of openness girls want.

I don't remember how we got on topic about this but I think it was something like the girls were saying that they wanted the adoptive mom to follow through everything about their pregnancy because they would never get to experience that. And I made the comment that I didn't want to step on any toes and I didn't know if that would hurt an adoptive mom to listen to a girl talk about her pregnancy and that's the only way that she'd know about her baby. But it's kind of the same way with birth moms just after the baby is born. They get to hear from the adoptive family about their baby through e-mail or whatever communication they have.
An adoptive mom expressed this, "I wanted to tell my birth mom every single detail. But I didn't know that would hurt her if just saying her baby was doing good or give out details."
And at that comment I wanted to cry. I didn't realize that's what I needed to hear. I didn't know that's what I needed until I heard that. I get emotional talking about it. I wrote D&V an e-mail about it. It's not their fault at all. I didn't realize it until now that I wanted to know every detail about Olivia.
I wanted to know if she's more smiley. If she keeps rolling over. If she's starting to giggle. If she can sit up on her own yet. If not for how long can she.
Of course, I don't want an update everyday. Maybe just a weekly one. But I've just felt like I've missed out on the past 4 months of her life. I mean, normal moms when they are asked how their babies are doing. They can say it right off the bat. For myself, I honestly didn't know. I would just say she's really good. I couldn't tell them that she has been sleeping through the night. That she has been starting to giggle.

Val is so sweet and e-mailed me back tonight. I guess they're awake and she wrote back to me quickly. I was just surprised. I'd like to think she was in tune with the Spirit. Haha.
She was just saying that she's super cautious and didn't know what to send me if it would make me sad or not but now it makes it easy for her.
Olivia had her 4 month doctor appointment on Wednesday (10 days early). She is 14 lbs 1 oz- 50 percentile. She's gained exactly 7 pounds since she's been born. 24 inches long- 75 percentile. And added on 3 inches.

Olivia hasn't been doing so well in car rides. She asked the doctor if maybe it's car sickness. The doctor said that it probably wasn't and that she just doesn't like cars.

I guess the doctor commented several times that she is very strong and that she's going to be a mobile girl.

Also, I talked to Tayler right after I sent the e-mail. He called me right in the middle when I was writing it and I was still emotional. I mean, I just don't want to be a bother or put pressure on D&V AT ALL. And Tayler was just really sweet and let me cry and tried to cheer me up. He really is a great boyfriend (the link is to Alyssa's blog he answered some questions) and I'm grateful that he's so understanding of the situation.
Less than 12 hours that I can go see him.

Well, I also wanted to add that I do enjoy reading couples who are looking to adopt blogs. I follow them and things or couples who have been blessed through adoption. I wanted to make the links on the side of my blog. And I want to get the word out that you're looking to adopt. If you are, shoot me an e-mail with your blog.
I want to help any adoptive family out there looking because you all deserve a family. Or if you have any questions. Just ask. :) I'm willing to answer questions.

My e-mail:

I'm VERY grateful for open adoptions. :)


  1. You teach me so much Stefanie, thank you! And I love open adoption too. :)

  2. Stefanie,
    The Ensign this month talks a lot about forgiving ourselves and moving on which is something I have struggled with most of our lives. Try reading it. Its called, "The best is yet to be." I did it last night and it really gave me an everlasting impression. I pray for you often even though I don't know you and hope your heart continues to heal and you know that in your mind you did the right decision for not only you but for your beautiful daughter. Much love sister!


  3. Hi. I love you. I am so glad you emailed them!! I hope you have fun in Idaho! :)

  4. I really liked this post Stef! And Cassandra, Thanks for the recommendation for the article from the Ensign! I still have yet to get one! I haven't had the experience like stef, but others, and it's a bit of a struggle to forgive yourself from anything! I think that'll be the first article to read whenever I get it! :D hehehe! Stef! Have fun up in Idaho! Love ya! <3

  5. Oh, I am just near tears reading your blog. My husband and I are in the beginning stages of thinking about adoption and so far I've only talked to one adoptive mom who did international adoption and it's semi-open. I've read the blog of her friend (another adoptive mom) who has a very open adoption. But then I got a comment on my blog by someone who has an open adoption with one child, and a not-so-open with another.

    I started reading her blog and my mind was reeling with the difficulties that will come when the child is older and says things like "You're not my real mom," etc.

    There's obviously a lot to consider and pray about, but I thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is so helpful. :)

  6. I just came across your blog today. Thanks for your insights. We are hoping to adopt and want a very open adoption. It helps to hear the experiences of others, so we can prepare ourselves for this new relationship with our baby's birth mom (and hopefully the birth family). Although we don't know her yet, we love her already.

    We would love it if you would add us to your list of couples hoping to adopt.