Wednesday, November 3, 2010

3.Husband of a BirthMother

A while back I had Tayler answer some questions when we were dating. We've done a few panels before of Husbands of Birthmothers in group. So now, Tayler's my husband and gets to answer these :) Just sort of a point of view to see that there ARE good guys out there that understand! Haha.

1. How did you meet? We met on a dating website. I'm still kinda surprised that we found each other because her subscription was almost up and I was ready to give up on the site. I guess patience is a virtue right? Was it love at first sight? ;) And I was very attracted to her at first sight so maybe it was love maybe not. All I know is I have her now and I never want to let go :)

2. How did she tell you about her adoption? She said that she had done something very bad. I guess that she had gotten into an accident and had possibly gotten someone really hurt or worse. It never even crossed my mind that she had been pregnant, let alone sexually active. She looked too perfect to have done something like that.

3. How did you react? I was a little shocked at first and then a little disappointed. I had a choice to make: Either forgive her and move on or judge her for something that had happened in the past. I'm glad I chose the first because now I'm married to the girl of my dreams.
4. Did your feelings change for her when she told you or did you judge her? I didn't judge her because I didn't know her situation so I decided to hear her story. It was a long and sometimes painful to hear (I saw her pain and I didn't want her to be hurting) but I was very open with her about it. I told her that our past may come back to haunt us someday but I will be there to help whatever that may be.

5. What do you talk about when you talk about the child she placed? How often? We talk about Olivia all the time. She is growing fast and its fun to see all the little things. How do you help her heal? I think I help her heal by just being there for her when she has a rough day. I think I became one of the people that she could come to talk about it and not feel ashamed, judged or ridiculed for it.
6. How do you support her in her "high times?" In the high times, I think when she is way happy of course and I do what I can to keep her that way. I love seeing her happy above anything else. How do you know she's having a "high time?" She will show me a picture of Olivia that she loves and just has the biggest smile on her face and wants to show it to everyone and forward it to her mom or friends. How do you support her in her "low times?" The low times, I try to be there and talk with her and just comfort her as much as possible or just give her my shoulder to cry on. I just want to be there when she needs me. How do you know she's having a "low time?" She has a bear that Dustinn and Val gave her at the hospital. We call it the "Olivia bear." She sometimes will just carry it around the house and hold it like a baby and that's when I know she misses her. Or when she doesn't want to be bothered at the computer, I know she's blogging. Lol. How have you supported the adopted child? I was with Stefanie outside the Temple when she was being sealed to her parents. One of the most spiritual experiences, I've ever had. I was there to celebrate her first birthday. I've seen Olivia on countless visits. And I'm going to brag for a minute, she will reach out to me and not to Stefanie! HA! Just kidding. She was also the flower girl at our wedding.

7. Is it hard to talk to her about it to know she's had a baby with another guy and not you? It's not that hard to talk to her about it. At first, it was a little weird but not so much now. I have no hard feelings toward her about it, just towards some of the guys shes dated. Lol. Maybe that's just my overprotective side talking.

8. If there is a girl, who doesn't know when to tell a guy that she's a birth mom, when would be a good time to tell her significant other? Examples: The first date? As soon as possible? After getting engaged? After getting married? We were texting for about a week or two and then she told me. I think it's more up to the girl when she feels comfortable. I can't put more emphasis on just being honest with the person that you are dating. You will find the right time to tell him. It's up to him if he will accept or not. Just don't drop it on him gradually work your way into it.

If she waited to tell you after got married, would that bother you? If she waited to tell you after you're engaged, would you break off the engagement because she didn't say the full truth? Yes it would bother me if she told me after we got married or engaged. I personally feel like if that happened to me that I would feel like the relationship was not based on the truth and that I would lose a lot of faith in that person. Not sure on breaking off the engagement though, thats a tough one to call and I would be more devastated if I did, personally.

9. Does your family know about her being a birth mom? Do you think you will ever tell them or do you plan to? Yes. I told my family after our first big meeting each other. My sister wanted to be friends with Stefanie on Facebook. And if you're friends with Stefanie. You KNOW she has a million pictures of Olivia on Facebook. There is no way in hiding that.
10. How did they react? Or how do you think they'll react? It brought up some things that my mother needed to tell me but thats another story. At first, they weren't very supportive. They said things that were really hurtful. They said that Stefanie wasn't ready to get married because she had a baby. She wasn't over the birthfather. I wasn't going to be her top priority. That we only got married just so we could take Olivia back. But since the wedding, things have been better. Nothing has been brought up. They got to see/meet Olivia at the wedding. And they saw that we weren't trying to be the parents and that Val was her mom. So I think it has softened their hearts a little bit to see all of that.
15. Do you plan on telling your children about their half brother/sister? I think that we would probably tell them about Olivia. She may not be a part of their lives but Olivia will always be a part of mine and Stefanie's life. They will probably have questions later on in life and maybe want to meet her too and I will be there supporting them all the way. Or if Olivia wants to meet her half brothers/sisters.

16. If you tell them, how will you tell them? We haven't really thought of anything too serious yet about that. They will definitely know. They will most likely grow up knowing. I mean, if Olivia gets to grow up knowing that she's adopted. Why shouldn't the kids that we raise know about their half sister? We'll just see when the time comes.
17. How would your relationship be different if she hadn't placed? I think a lot of Stefanie's maturity  happened with placement. I'm sure she wouldn't have been ready to get married if she hadn't gone through that experience. It took a lot of growing up to be able to make that decision and realize that it does take a lot of love, courage and selflessness to put somebody before herself.
Do you think you would've met or even dated her if she single parented? I don't think we would've dated or met. She probably wouldn't have been on LDS Singles because she'd be too busy with Olivia instead of figuring out who she was going to date.

18. Or phrased differently, how has adoption affected your relationship? It's brought new insight on how true love and unconditional love is between two people.

19. Have you met her baby? Yes I have and she's a cutie. :)


20. If you haven't, would you want to? If i hadn't met her and if I had the opportunity to yes I would like to see her and meet her family and see their love for Olivia.
21. Do you love her baby like he/she is your own? I do love Olivia like she is my own even though she isn't. I know that might be a little weird for some people but I don't think it is.
Or could someday love her baby, if she has an open adoption, and will continue to have an open relationship with her baby? Maybe later on I can be small part of her life and help Olivia if she needs it.

22. Do you feel like the baby comes first in your relationship? Or you feel second best? I know that Stefanie has a lot of feelings for Olivia and she does talk about her a lot. Sometimes, it can make a guy feel second best, I won't lie it has happened to me. But I was very honest about it to Stefanie and she completely understood where I was coming from. I know that further on in our lives we will still get updates on Olivia and see them. Stefanie's relationship with Olivia and her parents will change or visitation will be less, once we have our own family, but it won't make Oliva any less important.

23. Are you worried that she won't love your children as much as her birth child? No I'm not worried about that at all. I know Olivia will always have a special place in Stefanie's heart but I know she will love our kids and give them all they need and deserve. I've told her with complete faith that she is going to be a good mom and a very loving one. And I can't wait to see it :) (Stefanie is a very loving wife and I can't wait for her to be the mother of our children and be with them for eternity.)

I have two spotlights coming up and a giveaway that I will talk about this week. I promise I haven't forgotten about you guys!!


  1. This made me cry. I'm so happy for you, Stef - and for Tayler. You two are so great for each other, and he is SO good to you.

  2. Three cheers for Tayler! Honest and thought-provoking. Your perspective is incredible and quite inspiring.

  3. That was awesome! You are both so mature for your age.

  4. I LOVE IT!! That was very eye opening! :D And so glad he is so supportive and Loving! :D yay!

  5. It was nice reading what Tayler had to say! What a catch! ;)
    Stefanie, I wrote on my blog seeking advice about our birth mother, and I would love your input! If you get a second hop on over, and let me know what you think! -Jenn