Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A Change of Heart

I found this e-mail I wrote to my sister a day after me and N broke up. It makes me a little sad that he couldn't keep his promises from what I told my sister. But it makes me feel good to look back on it and remember those feelings of knowing the truth.

My subject may be confusing but you may be very happy. :] Well,N broke up with me last night. Saturday night. Yes, I'm not a happy person about it. But the reason why he broke up with me was because he wants to focus on himself. He wants to start going back to church. When he told me, I was very understanding of his decision. I was sad that we were breaking up but happy for him to be who he wants to be and find out who he is. And I told him everything I was afraid of. First off, he was scared that I was mad at him for breaking up with me. And I told him I was far from mad and I was more envious of him. To be able to push past his pride and be able to stand up for himself. Things that I've been wanting to do for years. He and I talked about the church. A reason why he wants to go back to church is because before when he was dating other girls he just thought of it as entertainment and not going anywhere. But with me, he thought of marriage and family, and it scared him because he does not have a stable life right now. He doesn't have a job and he's not going to school for anything. And he knows that if he goes back to church that everything will fall into place. He broke up with me was because he knows that he won't be able to withstand the temptation of being around me since we have done things that only married people should do. And I respect him for that. I want him to be able to change his life. I think I respect him more for telling me this than just holding off on our relationship then just drop the news. He told me in person when we broke up. He cares about me enough to tell me in person then to just call over the phone and say it's over. The reasons I am scared is, to find out who I really am. Or to let other people find out who I was and have them judge me. I mean, what guy wants to be with me if he has saved himself, and I haven't? Also, I'm afraid to end up alone. I told N he wasn't very good with timing because I just have lost a lot of friends. I was struggling with some personal issues and decided to end them. And those friends weren't happy about it and left. I guess they weren't my friends in the first place right? So I just felt so alone not really being able to talk to anyone. And then having N break up with me I just felt completely alone. I only felt like one good thing was happening in my life, and it was N. N has helped me through a lot of struggles. J, drugs, and being alone. N has also helped me become a better person to others and hopefully,have a better and stronger family bond. N was talking to me about wanting to have a family being together forever. And there was no moment in my life where I had felt more grateful for knowing about the truth. He was telling me that he didn't just want his family in this life but in the next life as well. When he was telling me this, I knew in my heart, that he was the one that I am supposed to be with. I had something just struck me and tell me. That's what I need in life. Maybe not be with N. But someone like him, someone passionate enough to love his family, to just start all over. N has made me learn a lot of things in life. I didn't think this would be one of them. It has been hard for me to cope with the break up because I care about him a lot. And I thought we were going to get married and I don't know maybe sometime down the road it might happen. He went to church today and I was still pretty bummed. The night before he told me that we could always be friends. And I asked him to promise not to leave me. And he grabbed my face and had me look at him and he said, "I'm not going anywhere. The day you tell me to leave you alone is the day I leave. I'm not leaving you. I'll always care and love you Stefanie." He told me he would love to be with me for the rest of his life, but not just this one either. No matter who he ends up with, that's how he wants it to be. But he also wanted to tell me that we may not be together again. When he called me today before he went to the bishop, I just asked him why he didn't want me to go to church with him, and he said that it didn't work out that way. I haven't spoken with him since he talked with his bishop. But I have done a lot of thinking. I thought about how hurt I was because I didn't want N to go to church. To a singles ward and meet other people and make him forget about me. I didn't want him to forget that I was his friend. And I just kept feeling lonely. I remember that N said to me, Satan works the hardest on the best of us. And it's true. I didn't realize it in the moment until I've had time to look back on it. Satan has taken me in at the most vulnerable times in my life and has ruined me. I never thought I could be the same person I used to be. The morning that N broke up with me, I had an old friend text me and ask me to go party with her and do drugs. And I've been working on that and I had no desire to do anything like that because I was depressed. But, I have been happy to say I've been sober and happy about it for about 3 months. And I didn't know that Satan had that power, it's like he told my friend to ask me at that moment cause he knew exactly what has been happening. Satan also knows how much I've felt alone and insecure about things. I have felt unhappy and felt a piece of me missing. I thought N was the missing piece, but now I'm coming to realize that the piece doesn't come from someone else, it comes from within yourself. I thought about going back to church just for N. To show that I was happy to go back with him and be married and have a forever family with him. But I knew that in my heart it would NEVER work out that way if I did it for him. I'm doing this for myself. I asked dad for a fathers blessing about 2 hours ago. Ever since last night I've been non-stop crying. But after the blessing I haven't shed a tear. Yes, I've teared up. But not one little drop has left my eye. Ha. For this next week, I'm working on myself and where I stand in my faith. I'm going to be praying and trying to wake up early to work out (I've been getting fat :P ) (pregnancy fat)and feel good about myself and study some scriptures. I have not told N anything about this, and I don't plan on it. Because it's not for him. It's for me. I have never had a feeling this right before. It's like what I'm supposed to do. I've been talking to a few friends that have been struggling about going back to church but wanting to go. And when I told them that's what I'm going to do, I set an example for them. Like N had set for me. They are going to try their hardest like I am. I'm happier now so that way when you come home from your mission that I won't feel like I'm hiding anything or that you'll judge me from all the bad that I'm doing and that I'm actually going to be doing good. I'm sorry this letter is so long and that you have to write everyone back and stuff. But I just thought I would let you know what was going on. And I've always known that the church was true. I've had it hidden in my heart and it just wasn't ready to come out until someone had to make it come unhidden by their testimony and their strength. I hope to strengthen mine and become a better person than I am right now. And to not be afraid to find out who I am. I'm so happy for what you're doing for the Lord because people need to know the truth and feel this happiness as well. Thank you.

I know it's hard for someone of you to grasp the real feeling, but I challenge you to find your inner happiness and what makes you happy. It may be God, praying, your family, or yourself. And I know most of you are like, "N's stupid, do this by yourself." If you took the heart and time to read that letter. You know it wouldn't be without him that I'd have the courage to tell you all about having my own "conversion" story. I was BIC (born in the covenant) but I call it my conversion story because I never really learned for myself why the church has been important.
I wrote that letter on January 11th, I found out I was pregnant January 23rd.

P.S. sorry the font is so small. If you want you can copy and paste it and make the font bigger. If I make it bigger you won't be able to read all of it.

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.


  1. I agree that Nic has been good for you. I'm glad that you are wanting to make changes, how is it going?

  2. Well, it's been hard because of my situation. But I learn to make it work. And do the best I can because that's all the prophet asks for ;]

    I went to FHE last monday with Natasha. That was pretty stellar.

  3. It was fun stef!! I enjoyed it!! Being able to get to know you!! :D And I admire that you are sharing your feelings and having the courage to share! :D I LOVE THAT So much!! :D And I have to agree with Erica... when I was looking at picutres of you and Nic... I saw that you looked a lot more happy with him!! And I Liked him! (Not just because he is pretty cute) but how you changed in such a good way!! And when you told me that he broke up with you... I was shocked and pretty surprised! But, I am glad you have realized that you were missing something! It is so amazing! :D I Love ya Stef!! :D