Thursday, April 2, 2009

I hate making up titles.

I always seem to run out of titles. I don't want to put something so obvious that you already know what my blog would be about then you wouldn't read it!

I'm still semi-sick. I ended up having to call my OB/GYN and the nurse called back and gave me a prescription for anti-nausea medicine because I was having a hard time keeping everything down. I couldn't even hold down water. I didn't even have bad morning sickness at all my first trimester. Then all of a sudden I'm sick. But my little sister did have the flu. So I probably caught some of that. But I'm getting better and hope to be well on my feet on Monday for work and school.

Well, I went to my group yesterday. It was a single parent panel and so single parents came and talked to us and answered questions. One girl was 16 the other was in her 20's.

Let's see. After the group, I talked to my caseworker, Loni. And so it's official that me, her, and N are meeting tomorrow for a session. But I am scared out of my mind! I asked her what everything they talked about and stuff. And I guess he didn't really say a lot. He asked her if I was going to single parent. And she told him I was looking at that but wasn't for sure. Then asked him what he would do if I did that. And he said that he would help pay money but he probably wouldn't ever want visitation. Loni thinks he's pretty much settled on that, even after the baby is born. She doesn't think he'll change his mind. But I broke out in tears when I heard her say that. It just hurts my heart that he would do that to his own child. Basically, feel like the only responsibility he has is to pay child support.
I mean, what do I say tomorrow without getting mad at him just walking out? I guess he told her he feels bad about jumping ship but he feels like he won't be a good father. Well, especially cause he started working at Wal*Mart in January and still wants to go back to school. Yes, he wants a family and to get married but not anytime soon. I just don't want him to regret later when he does get married and have a family and his wife goes through it. I don't want him to think of how much he missed out.

There's days where it's hard for me to be excited to have a baby. And those are the toughest to try to make it through the day.

I honestly don't know what to say tomorrow to him. I'm just going to have to pray lots for the next few hours to find the right words to say without being angry. :/
Wish me luck and maybe a few prayers would be nice! Ha.

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.


  1. Have you talked to others who have had similar situations where the father is just not interested? Any of the single parents on the board? It seems somewhat common. I'm sorry that he is that way. The good news is that if you keep the baby you won't be obligated to stay near Nic as you get older and move on with life. That's the hard part about sharing custody with someone. You don't have as much freedom to move and go places.

    Although it's heartbreaking to think that Nic will someday regret not getting to raise this baby, chances are that he won't regret it that much. Men are just different about things like that. Sounds like he wouldn't be that good of a father at this point in his life because he wouldn't be committed to the baby. Besides, the real tragedy isn't that he won't get that experience, the real tragedy is the way that the child will feel that his/her daddy doesn't want to be part of his/her life. Daddy will just be a paycheck. How horrible for him to do that to his child! At least he's not pretending that he wants to be involved only to not show up at things like birthday parties or something and smash the child's hope. The child just won't have any expectations of seeing their dad.

    Ok, I realize that I'm probably not being helpful. I will definitely pray for you! Good luck. And it's ok to be mad at him. But you also can't force him to do what you want, neither would you want to b/c his heart wouldn't be in it. It looks to me like it's time to get over the boy. Easier said than done. He was good for you when you were together and I'm glad he came into your life. But not all good things last. Just look forward to the better things in the future! There is someone better out there for you who will love and support you and your future kids. Not someone that you have to plead with to love their own child.

    Oh, and you and Kim may have caught the flu thing from me. I was just getting over it when I arrived. I'm sorry! It was NO FUN!

    I love you and I hope that you realize that I only mean to help. I have the best intentions in my responses and I hope that they don't hurt you.

  2. Thanks for the flu. :[ ha.

    I know you're trying to help. I'm not angry. It just helps to make me realize somethings.

  3. How did the session go with Nic? I hope it went ok... :D (swimmingviolist= Natasha -K-) LOL!