Yeah, I highly doubt some of you have been sitting around waiting at your computer for me to post a new blog about my appointment. There has been some family "issues" so that is the reason why I didn't post yesterday.
Well, I got to LDS family services and was waiting for Loni to call me back. And N walked in. He sat next to me but didn't say hi. Like two minutes later I did to fill the silence. There was other people in the lobby but he didn't say anything.
Loni took us back. And we sat down and first we talked about what we both wanted. N went first and said he still wanted adoption because he believed it was best for the baby. Then it was my turn and I said I didn't know what I wanted to do yet but I wanted to figure it out for myself instead of just doing what people told me.
Then she went back and forth about pros and cons for adoption and single parenting.
My pros for adoption: To find a good family to raise my baby in the gospel and give my baby the life that I probably wouldn't be able to provide for it right away.
His pros: Basically the same thing.
My cons: I don't want the baby to lose it's identity and hate me or not want to talk to me because I wouldn't really be in it's life. And I would be afraid of finding and placing my baby with a bad family.
His cons: Just the family part.
My pros for single parenting: Having the baby grow up and with me and know it's mother and be able to care for him/her or take care of him/her.
His pros: Getting to know the baby I guess? Ha. I don't really remember.
My cons: Not being able to provide everything financially at first. Living pay check to pay check most likely.
His cons: He didn't want to give the baby false hope like if he came to visit for like a birthday party or something he didn't want the baby to think his parents would be getting back together.
Then she asked us for the pros and cons of us getting married or not getting married. Ugh, this was hard and frustrating because I had no idea that she would ask us this. And she said she normally doesn't do this.
My pros: The baby having two parents. And knowing the parents.
His pros: Same thing.
My cons: He doesn't have feelings for me anymore so it would be wrong to be together just because we're having a baby.
His cons: We both want different things so it wouldn't work.
Oh and she also asked us the pros and cons of our relationship before.
My pros: We got along and it felt like a pretty trustworthy relationship.
His pros: We had an easy going relationship and we didn't argue and we got along fine.
My cons: He didn't have a job while we were together and he got one after we did.
His cons: Things changed and we wanted different things.
Basically what he said about single parenting that he would pay child support and want part custody and stuff. And that he still cared about me but he's trying to figure out his life and go back to school so it wouldn't be a good time to get married right now. Or he probably just doesn't even want to marry me.
I felt like it was an awful session. I'm not going to lie. It's not because I didn't get to "hear everything I wanted." I guess he said something and he turned to me and he's like, "You're mad about what I said. I can tell." And I said I wasn't mad. Then Loni was like, "Stefanie, what's making you mad?" What I can tell you that makes me mad is that people accuse me of being mad. I had unanswered questions and feelings. So it was hard for me to know how I was feeling or say the right things at the right time.
I guess he wants to be involved that's why he doesn't want to give up his rights as a father. And also, I said to him that I didn't want him to feel like the baby was a burden or just a pay check you had to pay every month. He said it wouldn't be like that but I can't prove it. All I get to do is sit around and wait for things to happen or whenever he feels like being involved. He told me the reason why he was abandoning before was because he didn't know what to say most of the time or give me false hope like we would get back together or he would hurt me again. And all I said, No matter what you do, if you sit around and do nothing, you will hurt me. If you be involved, you will hurt me, you don't win either way but that's life.
Or it came out like that. Ha. I hope.
Anyway, we're not allowed to see each other or hang out (not like we were anyway) but if I call him it has to be a legitimate reason or about the baby. And if he doesn't answer when I call he has 24-72 hours to call me back. And the same for me to him.
Ugh, I've just been emotionally exhausted the past couple of days and don't even want to face the world. I ended up going out with my friend Joy and I told her not to mention to me at all that I'm pregnant. I was really upset that I didn't even want to think about it.
And I've been taking some medicine for anti-nausea and it makes me really tired. And I worked a 9 1/2 hour shift today. Go general conference!
Well, that's the story of the appointment. No biggie to you. But to me, it's a whole other ball game.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.