Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Negative 1 Year and 39 Weeks.

One year ago. I never would've thought that tomorrow would change my life forever. One perfect little date. One perfect little angel.

"I know it's going to be really hard. But I realized if me and Nic did stay together and we decided to place for adoption it'd be A LOT harder. I think he had to hurt me to become as strong as I am now to be able to place Olivia in a home with parents who love her and are ready for her now. Nic and I love her, we're just not ready/prepared to be her parents.I think a lot of what me and Nic are feeling towards is each other is because of the bond we have with Olivia. I'm sure if she wasn't here that we probably wouldn't even be talking like that or at all.As much as people are closed minded about adoption and believe that birthmoms just give up their baby because they don't love them. It's not true, at all. I wish I could be Olivia's mom with everything that I have. I love her and it's extremely difficult not to have a bond with someone you've created and has lived inside of you the past 9 months. To see her in ultrasounds, to feel her kicking, you never want to forget those moments you've had. Because that's the time I'll be her mom and be with her everyday.Olivia won't be living in state. I'll see her a few times a year when some birthmoms I know see their babies almost every week or atleast once a month. But I know I'll cherish the times that I do get to see her. Because some birthmoms with closed adoptions never get to see their kids or contact them after they'reborn (it's mostly the birthmom's choice now that open adoption is more common). I feel lucky to know where Olivia is and what and how she's doing and feel the comfort that she's going to an amazing family and grow up in a great, stable home. Even though, I won't be parenting her or be her "mom", in my heart, she's always going to be my daughter."

I was cleaning my apartment today and I just had so much on my mind. I was dragging my feet only to count down the hours until midnight. Tayler went with me to drop off my mom's vacuum. He knew something was off and we got to talking and I told him what I was feeling. He finally just told me how it is (he hates seeing me hurt/sad/upset). I can't just be moping around and acting like it's a huge regret because it wasn't. I gave my daughter what I knew was the best for her. Why should I regret that? I should be happy. I shouldn't be sad because she's not in my arms. I should be happy that she's in my heart. And reading that last sentence above, it hit me hard. He also said, "Olivia will always be your daughter, not just in your heart."

I was thinking about one year ago. I went with Andee to JCW's and I told her, that if Olivia were to be born tomorrow. I would be okay with the adoption. God is quite the jokester. I didn't quite literally mean tomorrow but it happened anyway. And I'm glad it did. The adoption happened right? I'm not sure I was completely okay with the adoption but that was Satan's way of taking advantage of me at my weakest state. He put doubts in my mind like he has been the last little bit. Why is that I was so strong to give my daughter life and to make an adoption plan for her but lately, have felt at my weakest? I told Tayler that it's like I went back in time and all the hurt is back.

He's such a sweetheart after dropping off the vacuum. He took me out into the street and started dancing with me and just let me cry. He then took me to the same JCW's just so I could relive that moment. I knew that I have felt peace with my decision with adoption and this first year like everyone has told me, is the hardest. I'm sure there will be many more years that will be hard but with time, it has gotten easier. I'm sure each year will get easier.

Instead of 2 days until my due date this year. It's 2 days until my wedding.

Thank you all for your support. I'm sure I wouldn't have made it through last year and this year without your love and prayers. I appreciate you. :)

Val, Bradshaw and Olivia fly in tomorrow morning and having Olivia's birthday party in the afternoon (right around the same time I was admitted to the hospital last year).

I love the J's for everything that they have done for me while I was pregnant and this past year. I couldn't imagine anybody better to raise little Olivia. I thank you so much for all that you do for her and what you have done for me too. You're fantastic and doing an awesome job.

I love Olivia with all of my heart. She's my little angel sent from heaven.

One year later,
One empty uterus
One hair color change
One beautiful ring
One handsome almost husband
One eternal family=
One happy birthmomma to One happy One year old birthdaughter.

Totally the same shirt from the 39 weeks pic. Can you tell? ;)


  1. Tayler is lucky to have such a wonderful woman becoming his eternal companion. And it sounds like you're blessed to have him, too! What an amazing year it's been, starting to read your blog just months before my own placement. Thanks for giving all of us (your readers) strength, and letting us know that you're human!

    By the way... you looked awesome at full-term!

  2. holy cow you look so stinking skinny! i a)hope i look as cute as you did prego, and b) hope i look as good as you do one year later after having a baby. amen.

    and olivia is really super lucky to have you as a birthmom. she's a blessed little girl.

    and you're going to be a wife in a few days and i'm so happy for you!! i've never met tayler, but i can tell he's a good guy, and you are a blessed little girl too.

  3. Hey! I don't know you, but I have been following your blog. I was adopted as well and this one happen to come up while I was just online :) I ran into Olivia and her mother and brother at Wal Mart today. I recognized her from the pics! I'm not a stalker...ahha I promise :] Olivia is gorgeous and her mother was such a sweetheart!! She's lucky to have the both of you. HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY :)

  4. Ok first I have to say I love you as a brunette. You look so gorgeous in your pics! Loved this post. So excited for you and great to see how life comes full circle. And of course makes me feel better that a year later its still ok to hurt. You are amazing!

  5. Hey newly-wed-on-her-honeymoon! :)
    You look adorable in the current picture. I'm glad you pointed out it's the same shirt; that's crAzy.

    I'm so sorry all the pain and heartache of placement came back full-force right before the wedding. I knew it'd be a hard time b/c it was so close to her birthday but "doubts; at your weakest"...I'm so sorry. I'm sure in those times I may be the last person you want to talk to, but whenever it helps, I'm here.