Thursday, September 16, 2010


I'm just going to keep this post short.

7 days until Olivia's first birthday.

For some reason, this weekend has just been a rough one on me. Maybe since Tayler is here I now have a real shoulder to cry on and I'm not sitting at a computer desk just crying into my hands.

I think the night that I cried about Olivia with Tayler. He said to me, "I know Olivia will always be important to you and that you'll always love her. That will never bother me."

I remember being so grateful in that moment for a man that was so understanding about the love I have for her and that he didn't feel like he was 2nd place. But this weekend, I kind of thought about it. Have I really put him in spot #2 in my life?

I've had a lot of mixed and confusing emotions over this for the last little bit. Maybe not little bit. Ever since me and Tayler started dating. I know people have always told me that your husband is first and then your children are a close first. Or something like that.

But I did things out of order. I didn't have a husband. I had a baby out of wedlock with a guy who wasn't even my boyfriend anymore. I had a little human being that was half of me to call my own. To say that she was my daughter for 9 months+

I still looked forward to the pictures, the e-mails, the phone calls, the visits, etc. I still DO look forward to them. I have strong feelings for Tayler but I remember telling somebody that if me and Tayler ever broke up that I don't know if I could cry. I have experienced such a huge loss(?) in my life by placing my daughter for adoption that I don't know if I could be hurt by that. I know that it took me... a lot longer than it should've to realize that yeah, I would be hurt by losing Tayler. I'm so grateful to have him still by my side and that in 8 days that he'll be by my side forever.

But this weekend, I just remember crying to him and telling him that I didn't know. That I knew in my heart he should be first but I felt GUILTY for doing that to Olivia. I have an immense amount of care for Olivia. I told him that it's my mommy mode. After a year, I'm still in it. I still am protective. I guess it's not really mommy mode. It's that I just LOVE her. I love her with everything that I have and that I can't even express into words. My arms have never ached so much (well, I'm sure they have) for her.

I put Olivia first in my life. She was my number one in everything. I had to watch what I ate. I had to watch what I did and be extremely careful of my body and surroundings. I wanted her to be healthy. I wanted her to be well taken care of. I wanted to do that for her. Now having Tayler. That's been the hardest thing for me to adjust. To adjust that Olivia can't really be my number one. I gave her a family to watch over her. Take care of her. Watch what she eats. Make sure that she's healthy. I never want Olivia to think that it was easy to just be okay with that. Nothing was ever easy in all of this.

Contrary to popular belief, that adoption is the "easy way out."

It's still hard for me to say that Tayler is number one in my life. It will take a lot of getting used to. It sounds silly? I just can't put it into words. I'll be Olivia's number one fan and supporter in her life. I want what's best for her. So I gave her the best that I could and I hope she can understand that it was her. It wasn't for Tayler. It wasn't for my future. It was for her. I could barely think about my future when she was all that consumed me in the present. She is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is my motivation. She is my everything.

disclaimer: i may or may not have voiced it a lot in this blog but i care deeply and affectionately for tayler. that will never change. he is going to be my husband and number one in our own family. not by any means do i think hes not worthy to be number one in my life. he has rightfully and respectfully has earned that spot with time. not that spots should matter. hes an important part in my life. its just been difficult to figure out all these feelings and emotions.

I don't think it really matters who is in the first or second place or not.
All that matters is that they both have a place in my heart forever.

This was me. One year ago (38 weeks)
Maybe some of you remember this post.


  1. I think your heart is just growing larger to be ready for your future and marriage. Your love for Olivia won't change even with getting married and having additional children.

    I have followed your blog for awhile and you have grown and changed and should be proud of all that you have done. I wish you tons of happiness with your marriage and your future. Many blessings are coming your way for the choices you have and will make.

  2. Your love isn't a contest. You can love both! Your love for your daughter and for your future husband is different. It doesn't mean that one has to be more important than the other. I never really felt bad because I love my children more or less than my husband. But I used to feel guilty wondering if I devoted too much time and energy into missing my daughter. and then talking to her when I found her on facebook. One day, I was talking to her on there and my youngest son called out crying and I was there in a split second. It's not that I don't love Izzy but I went where I was most needed and I think you will do the same. I think Taylor has been very understanding and supportive of you. It's not easy to come by. My husband is just now getting it. Birthdays are hard. I won't lie. I hope because you have an open adoption and you know many things that birthmoms in closed adoptions don't know that it will make it less painful. I try to make my daughter's birthday about me. I basically made it clear that I didn't want to sit home. So, on most birthdays I try to go have some fun.

  3. I actually just talked about this same thing in my last blog post. It's cool to see it from your perspective too. It is very easy to get insecure about comparing to love you & Nic have for Olivia... but it's not about comparing, or who's 'first'. You love them both immensely & that's really all that matters.

  4. You know what, I had this same concern about my kids vs. my husband and I loved my husband for years before we had kids. And really it just comes down to the fact that there are different kinds of love. There's the love you feel for your husband and the love you feel for your kids. And there are times when your husband might get less of your attention (or feel less important to you) and times when your kids might get less of your attention and that's ok. I like what birthmothertalks said about how you are where you are needed most. Remember that when your future kids are small because they will REALLY need you and you need to remember to make time for your husband. (A little weekend getaway is nice) It doesn't always come naturally and sometimes you have to work at it. And if you are concerned, it always helps to pray to love your husband. It's not that you don't love him already, but sometimes you might need that extra bit of help to remember or to show it.

  5. You were the cutest pregnant girl EVER! I cannot wait to see you at your reception!!

  6. i have a really, really difficult time crying over things that i used to cry about in an instant. a couple months back a boyfriend left me. i couldn't even cry. yeah, it sucked and it hurt. but i've experienced a pain so much greater then that it almost felt like nothing...

    i also worry about this issue. loving someone more then kayden. even my future children. will i love them as much? i'm sure i will love them, but kayden is SPECIAL. i guess we'll see when the future comes.

    i love you stef. :) you make me think!