I'm just going to keep this post short.
7 days until Olivia's first birthday.
For some reason, this weekend has just been a rough one on me. Maybe since Tayler is here I now have a real shoulder to cry on and I'm not sitting at a computer desk just crying into my hands.
I think the night that I cried about Olivia with Tayler. He said to me, "I know Olivia will always be important to you and that you'll always love her. That will never bother me."
I remember being so grateful in that moment for a man that was so understanding about the love I have for her and that he didn't feel like he was 2nd place. But this weekend, I kind of thought about it. Have I really put him in spot #2 in my life?
I've had a lot of mixed and confusing emotions over this for the last little bit. Maybe not little bit. Ever since me and Tayler started dating. I know people have always told me that your husband is first and then your children are a close first. Or something like that.
But I did things out of order. I didn't have a husband. I had a baby out of wedlock with a guy who wasn't even my boyfriend anymore. I had a little human being that was half of me to call my own. To say that she was my daughter for 9 months+
I still looked forward to the pictures, the e-mails, the phone calls, the visits, etc. I still DO look forward to them. I have strong feelings for Tayler but I remember telling somebody that if me and Tayler ever broke up that I don't know if I could cry. I have experienced such a huge loss(?) in my life by placing my daughter for adoption that I don't know if I could be hurt by that. I know that it took me... a lot longer than it should've to realize that yeah, I would be hurt by losing Tayler. I'm so grateful to have him still by my side and that in 8 days that he'll be by my side forever.
But this weekend, I just remember crying to him and telling him that I didn't know. That I knew in my heart he should be first but I felt GUILTY for doing that to Olivia. I have an immense amount of care for Olivia. I told him that it's my mommy mode. After a year, I'm still in it. I still am protective. I guess it's not really mommy mode. It's that I just LOVE her. I love her with everything that I have and that I can't even express into words. My arms have never ached so much (well, I'm sure they have) for her.
I put Olivia first in my life. She was my number one in everything. I had to watch what I ate. I had to watch what I did and be extremely careful of my body and surroundings. I wanted her to be healthy. I wanted her to be well taken care of. I wanted to do that for her. Now having Tayler. That's been the hardest thing for me to adjust. To adjust that Olivia can't really be my number one. I gave her a family to watch over her. Take care of her. Watch what she eats. Make sure that she's healthy. I never want Olivia to think that it was easy to just be okay with that. Nothing was ever easy in all of this.
Contrary to popular belief, that adoption is the "easy way out."
It's still hard for me to say that Tayler is number one in my life. It will take a lot of getting used to. It sounds silly? I just can't put it into words. I'll be Olivia's number one fan and supporter in her life. I want what's best for her. So I gave her the best that I could and I hope she can understand that it was her. It wasn't for Tayler. It wasn't for my future. It was for her. I could barely think about my future when she was all that consumed me in the present. She is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is my motivation. She is my everything.
disclaimer: i may or may not have voiced it a lot in this blog but i care deeply and affectionately for tayler. that will never change. he is going to be my husband and number one in our own family. not by any means do i think hes not worthy to be number one in my life. he has rightfully and respectfully has earned that spot with time. not that spots should matter. hes an important part in my life. its just been difficult to figure out all these feelings and emotions.
I don't think it really matters who is in the first or second place or not.
All that matters is that they both have a place in my heart forever.
This was me. One year ago (38 weeks)
Maybe some of you remember this post.