Saturday, September 11, 2010


This was right after I saw Olivia after they had her all cleaned up. And I LOVED her hair. My sister called it Clay Aiken hair. If you've seen 17 Again with Zac Efron. You'll understand.
She had dark roots with blonde tips. Like they pampered her in the nursery/salon.

I think lately, I miss baby Olivia. I think about this time last year. She was a baby. Not a one year old WALKING around. That's right. WALKING. It doesn't even seem like a whole year has gone by.

I'm nervous but excited for her first birthday. I don't know how I'll react. The night will probably be harder than I want it to be. I hope not. It's the day before my wedding. I know. I'm really good at planning this stuff.

Thursday, it was just a normal day. I was at group. I was good throughout the whole group. Nothing emotional. Nothing really made me want to cry. Right after group was the FSA adoption chat night. Where adoptive families come in because they are required to have certain hours? I think that's it. I'm probably totally wrong. A girl at group was saying how excited she was to see her daughter because her A-mom was going to be at the chat night.

I, sometimes, get jealous of girls like that. That I can't just call up Val everyday and be like, "Oh hey, can I stop by and see Olivia?" I picked that for myself because I knew I wanted Val to be the mom and not have me stop by and take over. That's my personal opinion.

She came in holding in her birthdaughter. I took one look at her hair. And I LOST it. Completely. I turned my head and covered my face with my hand and I said, "This is going to make me cry." And I bawled. I probably looked like a freak. But this baby's hair was just like Olivia's when she was born. It was mostly like a strawberry blonde but still messy and SO cute.

It sounds crazy but this baby's hair was a trigger for me. Is it almost a trigger because I dye my hair so much, I like to style my hair, I want to take care of my hair and make sure it looks good? I just put so much time and effort into it that I just care about my baby girl's hair? The baby Olivia that I miss? The crazy cute hair that I first saw? The hair that I couldn't help but run my fingers through?

I'm going to quote the part about while I was in the hospital and the day before placement in my blog,

"I remember that Nic was holding her and I was playing with her hair and I made the comment, "I love her hair." And it wasn't exactly that reality hit me that I wasn't going to be her mom. It was always in my mind. But I was hurting over it. I wanted to be her mom and I wanted to grow up with her and be able to wash her hair and braid it and play dress up with her. I then was freaking out because I remember girls from group telling their story about how much they were at peace with their decision with adoption. At the time, I was freaking out. I started bawling. I didn't understand the feelings I was having. It was almost second thoughts but at the time, I still knew adoption was what's best. I just almost didn't feel like I was at peace with my decision with adoption. I didn't think it was normal. All I could do was cry and think what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I be her mom? Why couldn't I be able to raise her? But I would think it over and remember why I was doing it and why I couldn't be her mom. It hurts more than anything to think about not being her parent. Nic kept
asking me what was wrong or what I was thinking about. I couldn't calm myself down enough to even answer him.
I choked out the words, "Her hair."
I couldn't say anything else more. He probably thought it was the weirdest answer but that's all I got."

Tayler arrived to Utah pretty late Thursday night. I was there until he showed up. Being the amazing almost wife that I am. I surprised him with chocolate chip cookies. :)

Okay, I kind of cheated and it was pre-made cookie dough. Ha. I just had to put them in the oven. I don't have all of the ingredients in the apartment to make anything so I just have a bunch of tv dinners and canned food. Haha!

awwww. how cute.

We watched a movie. In the middle of the movie, I thought about earlier that day. And I got off the couch and went into the bedroom where our lovesac is and I grabbed the what I call- "I miss Olivia bear." It's the bear that Dustinn and Val gave me at placement and the same one that they use to take pictures with Olivia each month. I used that bear after I got out of the hospital and wrapped the bear up in Olivia's hospital blankets.

I slept with it for MONTHS like that. I curled up in a ball and I cried. Tayler has heard me cry about Olivia before. Mostly, over the phone. It really freaked him out. Only because he hadn't heard me cry that hard over Olivia before, in person. I hadn't cried over Olivia like that in a long time. I snuggled with her bear so close to my face. I wanted it to be my baby. I wanted to hear her heartbeat. I wanted to hear/feel her breathing so close to me. I wanted to hear her little sighs. I cried because I didn't have that. I had that for two days.
Really, I didn't think the flashbacks of the hospital would come to this extreme. But it has. And I can't believe it. I wanted my little angel to hold and to love. After I told him I was crying about Olivia, he was wiping the tears from my eyes and then pulled my head into his chest and told me to cry and it's okay to miss her. Why does he have to be so amazing? I left after the movie, my bff lives around the corner from our apartment and I stayed there. Me and Tayler aren't living together until we're married.

You know, when I do get depressed. At group, something at group I do remember that makes me want to be happy. The same girl was talking about how she was told by her caseworker that if we hold onto the guilt and sadness and we don't make something of ourselves. Our child knows us as this sad, depressed, guilt-driven person because of the adoption that our child feels guilty that they made us that way. They possibly think (not being adopted child but putting myself in their shoes) that, "If my birthmom/birthdad didn't place me for adoption then they wouldn't be so depressed. If maybe I came when they were ready, they wouldn't feel so guilty." I don't want Olivia to think that way. I'm not going to put on a fake face though. I think it's okay to explain to them it was hard and it was a sacrifice but not so much glorify our sadness. At the adoption chat night, we were talking about doing school presentations, and I think we also need to apply it to our lives. Keep our adoption story positive.
If things were bad between you and your child's birthfather- I don't think it's good to paint this ugly, negative picture of him to your child. What if years down the road your birthchild wants to meet him and all she's heard is that he's a sperm donor, he's no good, that you want to murder him for what he did. Because of your birthfather, your child has life. And if you were able to go through with the adoption, I think it's something to be grateful for that the adoption went through. Even if that meant he was completely aware of the adoption, or that he didn't know (maybe for your child's safety), at least it happened.

A girl at group, she placed her son when he was 3 or 4 months old. She asked her baby's dad to sign papers to place their baby for adoption. He took a few months to finally decide to sign. We took a minute and recognized that even if the birthfather wasn't involved in the adoption- he still has feelings. I was completely oblivious to Nic's feelings because I was upset that I didn't get what I wanted. I won't lie. But I'm glad that I didn't get what I wanted. I don't know if my life could be good or bad. But I know Olivia is where she's supposed to be. I think Nic had to hurt me so I could go through with the adoption plan.
The point of her story- it showed to her that the father of her child did have a tough time with it. I think I always knew that Nic cared about Olivia. But I guess it didn't really show for me until a few days before I had her. But it has definitely given me a different perspective and a lot more respect for birthfathers.

Good news: Tayler got a job down here, really close to our apartment. He is starting to move down on Tuesday. We got our marriage license on Friday before we went to Idaho and went to a friends (one of his groomsmen) reception. Today, my parents drove up to little ol' Burley to meet Tayler's mom and grandparents. We also went over some details about the open house in Idaho. I'm just glad that I'm almost over and done with all of this. I'm ready to be married already! We went to Tayler's best man's son's birthday party. So much fun :)
We also purchased a Boise State Snuggie. Baha. Since living in the apartment, I know how cold it is. I know that it will be used SO much. Well, I'll be using it because I'm always cold.
Me and Tayler are trying to figure out now if I want to take some of my stuff out of the apartment until the wedding and he'll live at our apartment. Or if he's just going to sleep in my parents guest bedroom and I'll stay there. We'll see. I will let you know.

11 days until miss Olivia is one year old :)

12 days until I'm not a miss, I'll be a Mrs. :)

P.S. I do have a lock of Olivia's baby hair. An hour or two before placement a nurse cut a lock of her hair for me. I'm always so grateful to this nurse because I don't think she will ever know how much that really meant to me in that moment.


  1. sounds like a few of us had a rough day or two this week. You're amazing and strong, woman. And holy cow, I'm jealous of Olivia's hair!!! She definitely got that from you. :-)

  2. Hi. I can relate to the hospital triggers. I still can't see a new baby without the deep sadness. I hope your feeling better today.

  3. I love her hair, seriously it is so so gorgeous!!