Friday, July 31, 2009


Today was the first day of the conference. There are classes all day. I was able to meet Rick&Liz who read my blog. I was able to meet V&D's caseworker. I was able to see some friends I haven't seen in a few years such as Tamra Hyde (she has a video on youtube called "Adoption and Abortion.") and Stephanie, who was my dawnstar walker in the wilderness program in Arizona.
The first class we went to was United by Love and Tamra actually spoke in that class. Just uniting together as birth parents and being advocates for adoption.
Less than 1% of girls choose adoption. We're the minority. If more girls knew that there are more choices besides keeping or abortion. There would be a lot more babies being placed for adoption and being made known.
There were a few scripture references- Matthew 10:37, 39
The Lord honors sacrifice.
Matthew 10:19, 29

I'm just kind of going off the notes that I have.

Birthmothers are able to relate to the story of Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac. Abraham and his wife prayed for a child and then had Isaac and then was asked by the Lord to sacrifice him. What do you do in that situation but follow the Lord?
Another biblical story would be Moses' mom. Ha, Tamra made a joke she said, "She put Moses in a basket and sent him down the river. That's the most closed adoption you'll ever GET!"

A lady made a comment and she said, that the Savior was adopted. Joseph was his father.
And we're adopted into the house of Israel.

Then we got on the topic how people don't associate the sin of how you got pregnant when you tell people that you're placing for adoption.
That adoption and sin is totally separate.

Birth mothers who place are the MOST stable people and make the best mothers because they are able to put their child first in the situation.

Tamra told a story about a girl who had a baby from rape. It was so hard for to go to groups. Tamra asked the girl to give her a ride home and they sat in her driveway for hours just talking and the girl said, "I never thought about the happiness that I can give someone."
She knew she didn't want to abort and didn't really want anything to do with the baby because of the rape. So with the adoption she didn't want to know anything about the baby. But she opened up to the idea of being okay with it and being at peace.

Being a birth mom is a chance to tell our story. About the atonement.
There are thoughts about how your life is over and that it's the end, but placement and adoption is just the beginning of life.
Because you have been given much you too must give.

There is no interest in moving on or getting over the adoption or the placement. If you are being blessed throughout your life because of it then why would you change that?
The Lord will put the words in your mouth and what you want to say.

Satan hates adoption and wants to confuse us.
Tamra told a story about a girl who knew she was going to place. And then the day before placement, Tamra went to see the girl. Tamra felt something awful. The girl was saying that she was going to keep and that the couple was just using her for her baby. Tamra called her bishop and let him know that she needed a blessing. He came and gave her a blessing. And Tamra walked back in and felt the peace.
Lord gives us sweetness and peace but Satan will try to take that away.

The Lord will put you through the fire but to solidify you.
There is no randomness or coincidence.
Satan will try to disrupt the happiness that we're entitled to and what we deserve.
Either you can use this experience as a stumbling block or as a stepping stone.

The next class was What we wish our adoptive couple knew. Tamra was also in that one. It was just a panel of two birth moms.
I figure I'll post this if there are any adoptive couple that would know how to involve the birth mother or how they want to be involved.
Talk and plan ahead and prepare about the openess. COMMUNICATE.
Learn that adoption is a process.
Learn how to be open to be taught by the spirit not that you know everything.
It's not a duty or an obligation to be there for the birth mother but a blessing.
What's more than a family but a blessing?
Love and trust your birth mother when she's trusting and loving you.
There can be a sense of entitlement on both sides of the situation. The birth mom can say that it's her baby but the adoptive couple can turn aroun and say it's theirs now but really, children don't belong to us. They belong to the Lord.
When expectations aren't met there is disappointment.
You need to be constinent with everything and not be fake about who you are. Don't pretend you're so open adoption and then not be at all.

"She's trusting you with her child, why can't you trust her with your phone number?"

The next class was kind of a disappointment. It was a birth father panel. It was said online that there were 4 birthfathers coming to talk. We were told that 3 out of the 4 birthfathers bailed on the panel. I said, "Go figure!"
But I guess the guy who was teaching the class decided to do one birthfather and his families side. I was REALLY bitter about it.
Earlier in my pregnancy I was planning on keeping. When I told N that he said that if I did that he would fight for full custody.
It hurt me and messed me up on so many levels. I really felt that I wasn't a good enough mom because he told me that.

This birthfather, I guess the girl he got pregnant decided to keep, but he was for placing in the beginning. The girl did keep and now that birthfather is fighting for full custody because the girl is making some mistakes in her life.
It brought up SO many emotions and I was just so upset. Because his parents were totally okay with it. It bothered me because the parents were holding the birthfathers kid the WHOLE time. They said that they thought this guy could do a much better job than the girl. I'm thinking, "No, YOU would do a much better job since you're the one holding her!"
Really, it's more the birth grandparents doing more, which I think is so wrong. I was VERY bitter in the end. I just broke down in tears because I was feeling so overwhelmed with those same feelings when Nic told me he would fight for full custody. And then made me think that his parents wouldn't do anything about it and probably agreed with him. Because if you guys don't know, I'm an unstable, unfit mother.

I liked the other lady that spoke. She was an adoptive mom. She read a letter from the birth father that placed his daughter with her.
He said, "January 27th probably doesn't mean anything to anyone. But January 27th is the day my daughter was born. The day that means everything to me."
I guess he didn't make it in time for his daughter to be born. But saw him after and then he and the girl he got pregnant decided to raise the baby and get married. The day she was to be discharged she called him. He was worried that there was something wrong with the baby. But the girl had decided that placement was what she needed to do. So they did.
That girl is now 21 years old. The adoptive mom's daughter decided after she was 18 to contact her birthparents. She found them through the internet somehow. Her birthmom first called her then a few days later her birthfather called. He has seen her since then. It was AMAZING.
She had pictures from the day she was born with her birthfather. Then with her adoptive parents and her and the picture is blurry. The day she met her birthfather, they had a picture of them hugging and the picture was kind of blurry. She liked that they were blurry because even though pictures are usually still. But on the inside, your emotions are just so blurry and mixed. It was an awesome day for them. I CRIED. It gave me hope to know that even though N isn't involved right now or after she's born. But if later in life they do meet and how much he loves his own kids in the future but will also feel that love for her.

I was able to talk to the lady after. She gave me a tissue. Ha. It was really nice. But my emotions were still high. And I went to the next class which was Husbands of Birthmothers.
During that class, the guy who I'm going out with tomorrow night texted me and he asked me how I was. I told him I was on an emotional rollercoaster. He asked why. I just told him that I was at the adoption conference and that there was a lot to take in. And he said to me, If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you.

Um, what? It made me cry even MORE.

But anyway, this panel was really good.

They had four guys.
1 guy had been adopted before.
2 guy didn't really talk much. ha.
3 guy had just gotten married 2 months ago so a lot of things were fresh from the dating life.
4 guy had a divorce and dealt with remarrying to a birthmom.

3 guy talked a lot but it helped because he said he had questions about the birthfathers involvement.
He didn't really understand why she wouldn't have changed what happened to her. He felt like she wasn't sorry for her mistakes and was afraid she hadn't changed. But after getting to know her it made him realize that's just apart of who she was.

He was worried about her intimate past with the other guy and sharing that moment with some other guy. He didn't want to have to fill in someone's else shoes. He wanted his own relationship developed and not have to be better than the other guy. He was worried that he'd be 2nd best.
But the girl he married has always put him first and the adoption second.

They were giving advice in the end and the guy said, what you've been through you'll be with an amazing person.

For other guys they just need to love her, listen to her, be patient and supportive and have an open communication. Sometimes mothers day isn't always happy.
There is a permanent feeling there with adoption.
There will always be a struggling reminder if she did the right thing.

With adoption, it has been a postive experience and relationship between them.

4 guy gave advivce that said that all you need is hope. And to work on things and never give up on hope.

The 2 guy said don't settle for less, you're worth it.
Don't lower yourself for what you've been through or what you've gone through.
It will pass.

The 1 guy said if the guy doesn't get the adoption or isn't supportive, he isn't worth it. You'll find someone who is supportive and is worth it.

The last class of the day was Step-by-Step through pregnancy and placement.
I missed the first half. I went to a class that was what adoptive children want from their birthparents. But there was only one girl that was an adoptive child and didn't talk so I left. I'm much closer to placement day.

The girl who spoke first talked about her pregnancy and placement experience. Since she was able to bond with the adoptive parents and be okay with adoption that she had a happy pregnancy.
She said something that made me think about things. She was looking back on her first emails to her couple and asked, "How will you teach responsibility?" Because really, with birthmoms, you learn responsibility the hardest way possible. How will they know? We don't want them to have to go through that.
Also, if our child got mad at us later in life and didn't want to communicate with their birth mom anymore, you have to learn to be okay with that. You can't fight back. And also, learn your own boundaries. But no birthmom wants to try to be a mom.

The girl ended with saying, I can do difficult things. I'm a stronger person. I've found out who I am. I make the best of a rough situation and prepare for the future.

I've felt the spirit a lot of the day and know that I'll be at peace. I know placement and all this will be hard. But I know, I'll be okay. :)

That's all I have to say. We have 3 more classes tomorrow. But I'll be so antsy to just go on my date already! Ha!

Gotta go!


  1. Wow, thanks for your notes! Sounds like it was an awesome conference. I would have been bawling right there with you. I hope you enjoy your 2nd day and your date. :)

  2. OH! That sounds so fun! I wish I was there! LOL (is that too weird? Cause I do). But anyways... I hope you enjoy your Date! :D tell me about it tomorrow at Church? :D

  3. That sounds like a really great conference--from your notes I can tell that we would have liked it a lot. I feel like there's so much we need to learn about adoption. It seems like the stuff at the conference would be much more insightful and useful than what we've read elsewhere. Especially the part about what birth parents want adoptive parents to know--great lessons for all us adoptive parents out there.

    And crazy that you met our caseworker! He's pretty nice, isn't he?