Two Worlds Collide

Baha. So I went to the doctors yesterday. I found out from the glucose and the HCT test that I'm a little bit anemic. Lame.
But the baby is good. She's growing and has a heartbeat.
Ha, I texted that last part to a friend of mine and they said, "That's good. Pretty sure we don't know that about the father."
I got weighed and I looked. Pre-pregnancy weight I think was around 145. I don't like to know my weight. The weighed me at 161. MEH. 16 pounds. Pretty sure I could cry.

The past couple of days of have been pretty brutal. Besides the fact of being hormonal and pregnant, I've just had a lot of stuff to deal with and don't really know what to do. I've been wanting to be angry and wrote out my feelings in a letter. Then last night I cried because I felt so pathetic.

Here are some quotes from The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball that have helped comfort me.
I just want you to know that they are EXACTLY how I feel. If you're a grandparent reading this for either your daughter or son who are in my situation. Take it to heart.

"In this situation it is the girl who suffers most... She carries most of the burdens, while the boy often goes penalty-free. The girl most go through the uncomfortable nine months with its distress, deprivations, limitations and embarrassments, and then the pain and expense of delivery and the difficult life afterward. It is a cowardly boy who would not propose marriage, pay costs, share the deprivations and embarrassment. Yet many young men have walked away and abandoned the girl to all the devastating payments for the sin of them both. Parents frequently excuse the son on one pretext or another, and leave the girl to suffer for the sins of them both."

"To buy the girl off or abandon her to her lifelong problem is not courageous, nor fair, nor right. The time will come when every individual will pay full price, and perhaps with interest, every obligation incurred even though it was hidden or covered at the time."

"The young girl who sins realize that all the sorrows, inconvenience and suffering she goes through incident to the carrying and bearing of a child do not fully constitute forgiveness of her sin. She must repent and make her proper adjustment. Let the boy realize too that none of the suffering of the girl minimizes his guilt, but rather magnifies it. For many reasons he may not be prepared to settle down to family life, but he has by his immoral act projected himself into adulthood and has broght upon himself responsibilities which he will do well to accept and discharge as honorably as he can. Like the girl, he needs to find his way to total repentance, and the road leads through acceptance of responsibility, not away from it."

"For the boy, perhaps the matter can be glossed over and covered up by parents who seek to avoid publicity and a scandal, but have they realized what they have done for their son's soul when he doubles his transgression by failing in his repentance? True repentance means restitution, meeting every obligation and restoring every damage so far as is possible. Yet it is strange how many times parents of the boy decide the girl who was good enough for him to date suddeny became promiscuous and therefor is now unworthy for their son; strange also how few of the parents charge th boy with promiscuity and consequently encourage their son to pass up his responsibilities, even to his own detriment; strange how many parents charge the girl who having trapped their son and now rate their boy "holier than thou" and the girl is not worth of further consideration in the matter!"

"In some instances, each party accused the other; each began to distrust the other; each began to hate the other. They both admitted their sin but now the boy was trying to 'crawl out.' His parents were encouraging him to get out of it. They knew the many problems which marriage brings."

In this part of the story it talks about him talking to a couple who encourage marriage in the home. The girl was realizing her predicament and was willing in spite of her fast-diminishing respect or affection for the weakening, selfish boy. And the boy freaks out in this part. Which reminds me a lot of my situation. Ha. All I'm going to say is that I agree what President Kimball had to say to the boy.

"He asked: 'Why? Why should we marry? How could we marry? I have no job. I haven't finished my education. Where would we live? How could I pay doctor and hospital bills? How could we get along without a car? How could we assume the responsibilities of a family and parenthood?'
Then I asked some questions: 'Why did you precipitate yourselves into this demanding situation? Why did you do the act which would make you parents? Why did you engage in associations which demand home, employment, status? Your completely irresponsible act and your reaction to it brand you immediately as immature. You seem highly interested in yourself and your conveniences, and your desires. Are you going to run and leave the girl to carry your baby with all your penalties too? It is time you both grew up and matured and faced realities. This situation is not the intention of either of you but it is the result of your loose actions. You made the choice when you broke the law of chastity. You knew it was wrong. You knew this problem could result. Now if you are going to grow up and meet life's issues; if you are going to be fair and just; if you are going to start out a good life on a straight road start now to meet your responsibilities...
Today is a good day to start a new life of mature responsibility. Cease blaming others, start to accept your own responsibility. Make up your own mind. You brought this about together, now solve your problems together. Forgive each other and move along and make the best of a difficult situation, and do not run away from it."

I don't take any of this lightly. I've been pregnant for seven months. I know what it's like to be alone through all of this. There are days that it is hard for people to look and judge and say things about me either behind my back or to my face. It's hard to know that I'm the only one getting the consequences of my actions. I'm taking responsibility. It takes two to make a baby. That's for sure. But I'm the only one that shows it. Sometimes there are days that I don't even want to walk out my door to face whatever challenge comes my way. I've learned that through all of this, I'm the stronger person. I am not some seductress who forced some guy to get me pregnant. I'm sorry if there are people who are involved in this, family, or people who aren't even involved in this and have been offended by what I say.
Please take a walk in my shoes... or more put on a fat suit and let me know what smart remarks and crude comments you get throughout the day. Because I'd like to know what you think of living my life everyday.

Song of the week:



Two Worlds Collide
Demi Lovato

She was given the world
So much that she couldn't see
And she needed someone
To show her who she could be
And she tried to survive
Wearing her heart on her sleeve
But I needed you to believe

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

She was scared of it all
Watching from far away
She was given the role
Never knew just when to play
And she tried to survive
Living her life on her own
Always afraid of the throne
But you've given me strength to find home

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

She was scared
Unprepared
Left in the dark
Falling apart
I can survive
With you by my side
We're gonna be alright
(We're gonna be alright)
This is what happens when two worlds collide

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

You had your dreams, I had mine
(You had your dreams, I had mine)
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide
When two different worlds collide