Saturday, December 4, 2010


I'm posting this as cautiously as possible. Hoping that I won't hurt anybody's feelings. This is mostly directed to birthmoms because I REALLY feel like I'm the only one that has felt this way and it's driving me insane.


That is my subject. Being pregnant again. Being a mom again. Whatever it is. Every other girl that I know is either pregnant or has recently had a child within the past 6 or so months. I know it's only been a year for me so I shoudn't complain. But I never have had the urge to want a baby so badly in my life.
Apparently, I've been told it's something in the water... Well, I'm not drinking the same DANG water! Haha. Not that I could right now anyway.

I always thought of it as a sign that maybe I'm supposed to have a baby. I was SO torn up about it last Sunday that it brought me to tears. I didn't understand why I was given this huge desire to have a baby but I can't have one right now. What's with the tease? I know I could if I wanted to take out my IUD. I also know babies are a huge responsibility. I'm not blind about it. I don't know if it's just the thought that I'm craving to hold that little newborn in my arms again? That maybe I just can't wait? Now that I'm married I can raise a baby? I don't know. Maybe someone could help me out with it.

Along with this. I also had another break down about it like two days before. Yeah. I'm not proud to say that I've cried more than once over about this. That's why I'm just wondering if I'm just going insane. But I realized that even though I have prayed about it. I never really prayed with T to pray about it, as a couple.

We both knelt down in prayer. I told him that maybe he should say it because I woud probably fall apart at the seams. He told me it's okay if I did and that I should say it. I remember asking and then I got this really calm, comfortable feeling. The answer actually struck me during the prayer and I said it in my prayer. I said something like, "Please, guide us as we're preparing to go into thy Holy house to be sealed as a couple like Thou has asked us."

I know that someday Tayler and I will build an ETERNAL family. I know God is looking out for us and knows our desires and what we need right now. And in my prayer, I know he answered by telling me that I didn't need to focus on having a baby. That's not what He's asking of us. He's asking of us to be sealed in the Temple. That's our main focus and should be. I guess I've just been caught up in who's having a baby or getting pregnant and wish I was one of those girls. I probably complained all the time while I was pregnant that I was huge, tired, ugly, sick, whatever. But I look back at it and I had a REALLY easy pregnancy. I didn't get super huge. But that wasn't what was the big picture. I wasn't going to be pregnant forever. And the little kicks reminded me of the sweet spirit about to welcomed into this world and placed in MY arms. 

I miss those moments. I miss that constant companion. I know that I should probably just enjoy right now being a newlywed. Once I have babies, that's an 18+ years of obligation. But you know, I might complain about the wait and say how much I hate it. I know that once it's here, I will completely (hopefully) enjoy every minute with my little stinkers. :)

Check out my formspring. It's been awhile. Ask me something! Anything :) It can be anonymous. But I won't post meany/offensive questions. :(


  1. I am going through the exact same thing. I have been for months. It's driving me up the walls!

    It's been so hard because there were eight women in my family pregnant at the same time I was and a couple of them are pregnant again... I am so, so, SO jealous!

    Also, I am in a young students married ward so women are getting pregnant left and right. I hate it. I HATE IT. Sometimes I don't even want to go even though I love my ward and it's the best I've ever been in because I know I'm going to be around a bunch of excited pregnant women and women with newborns.

    I want so badly to have a baby. I used to think it was hormones during that time of the month... until the feeling NEVER went away.

    I've come to the conclusion that since I've had a baby my body is now in baby mode and it (my body) thinks that it's time to have another one even though I logically want to wait until I finish up school.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I promise you're not alone.


  2. i for one have absolutely NO problem holding everyone elses baby and giving them back when the poop flows and the tired whining starts and the vomit happens, i get to go home at the end of the day and do whatever i want and wake up in the am whenever i want and its FABULOUS!

    so enjoy it while you can! cuz the first thing youre going to complain about when you have a kid is: i wish i had appreciated our time alone more cuz now its GONE!!!
    do fun things that you cant do when you have a family and make memories together that you can cherish. create adventures. travel. once you have a baby you will always have a baby, enjoy the present for the gift that it is.

  3. I was like this for the first 3 years after I placed my son. It is actually a common thing not just for birthmothers. Be strong this is part of the greiving process (which can take years) I still have trouble with when friends fall pregnant or adopt a beautiful baby even after 18 years and I have had no more children (not for a lack of not wanting just not the right time).


  4. I know birthmoms aren't the only girls that desire to have babies. I hope what I said seems insensitive to others. I know adoptive moms desire to have babies just as much as I do. Even if they may or may not have been pregnant before. I guess I was trying to get advice and know I'm not crazy. Haha.

  5. I really love this post. I love that you prayed and received an answer like that. It is so hard not having a baby when you want one so badly. I remember fighting with my husband about when we should start trying. I totally bawled every month and more when it took us a while to get pregnant. Once you do have them, there will be moments that you just want them to go away, but at the end of the day you just don't know what you would do without them. Love you, your time will come. Maybe we will be pregnant together again!

  6. Girl, I know exactly how you feel! Don't feel ashamed to cry about it, I have cried like dozens of times about the subject.
    I placed 3.5 years ago and have been married for 1.5 years. And, sometimes I want a baby so bad that my heart and body just hurts. But, it isn't the right time for us right now either, and I know that, but it doesn't make it easier.
    I think a lot of it is the fact that now that we are married, it is 'ok' to get pregnant and have a child, whereas it wasn't when we were single. And, since we lost our child, we just want another so badly and it makes sense that we would jump at the opportunity.
    It is hard to be patient. I wanted a baby the worst during the first 9 months of my marriage or so. Once I accepted the fact that it would happen when it was right, that helped. Like Desha said, I am enjoying my freedom right now and the time me and my hubby have together to go do fun things.
    When I think about how badly I want a baby, sometimes I help myself realize that I want a baby to hold and love, but maybe not a 'child' or a toddler yet. You know what I mean? And until my husband and I are ready to begin the next 18 years of that baby's life, we can't rush it.
    I know its hard. I still have hard days..a lot more recently. It helps to know you and your husband are working towards certain goals and have each other.

  7. Don't feel bad about writing this post. It's natural to want to have another baby. It's a strong desire and I think it has a lot to do with that you are not parenting Olivia. I am not saying that this is on your mind but I kind of had the feeling that if I had another child.. I wouldn't be sad about the child lost to adoption. It took two kids to see that it doesn't work like that. Well, at least not for me.
    My daughter was born at 15 and at 18 I had a son with my husband. We missed out on a lot of couple time and just carefree living because we had a child right away.

  8. Thanks for making me cry.

    I can't say I ever felt this, because I didn't have TIME to. I want you to know that I envy you guys though. I'm so grateful for this miracle in my belly, but it doesn't mean that part of me doesn't wish I could have spent more time with Tyson one on one as husband and wife. I hope that doesn't come off as ungrateful cause I am very grateful.

    When my baby is born, you can spend as much time with it as you want. I'll even let you have a whole day with him (I just know it's a boy). Love you Stef. I'm sorry if I've ever made it harder for you.

  9. I know how you feel. I often feel jealous when I hear someone is pregnant. I miss being pregnant. I loved feeling the little kicks. I have been baby hungry off and on since I got married. I know now is not the right time to have a baby but it doesn't change how I feel. I personally think it's because I didn't get to raise my son. I want that experience now. I have a few cousins expecting right now and it's hard on me. I want to be happy for them and I am but at the same time I want to be in their place. I know when the time is right you will be a great mom.

  10. I am Andee's friend directed to this blog from hers. I think that having children after you are married helps you to move on, you will never move away from your experience, but you can heal.

    I waited 4 years until I had my "first" baby and it was because I was emotionally, physically, financially and mentally prepared to have one. I think it's important to follow promptings from prayer. If your answer was to wait, than I think you should re-direct your focus on getting will make that moment of being pregnant all the more sweet, I promise.

    My husband and I got Sealed a year later after being civilly married and I KNEW that this was the first step. The second step was waiting until my husband instigated it or was ready to start a family (it isn't just the wife's decision after all). My husband hadn't had any children before so he wasn't ready. Ironically, after being deployed to a war-zone, he decided he wanted to have kids. OF COURSE I was ready at that time and I was ecstatic! It was AWESOME! The rest is history.

    I am now the mother of 3 kiddos, 1 birthdaughter and two adorable boys. When the time is right, you will know....the baby hungriness is normal...but don't let it make your decision. All choices in your marriage that are life-changing and important should be directed by the spirit/answer/prompting. GOOD for you! You sound very mature!

  11. I know exactly how you feel. Haha I've been married for a few years and my husband and I want to wait until we are prepared to have a baby. (I know we'll never be "prepared" but at least have until my husband is done with we do think it's important to spend time just together) Currently he's working full time and going to school full time so if we had a baby he would NEVER get to spend time with our child. Of course I really want to be able to stay home with my baby too. (That goals not necessarily a requirment for us of course since I know that's a lot harder option now days..but we're going to do everything we can to make it an option!)Since about 3 months after we got married I started yearning for a baby..we want to be prepared for it as much as possible. So we've been working HARD so that we can make those goals happen.. Well one of my good friends just got married and got pregnant like RIGHT away! It's kind of frustrating because I'm like whey do they get to have what I want so badly with out any work? I just have to remind myself that she will have to work work will just have to happen WHILE she has her baby. She might not mind having to work with a baby or having to sacrifice how much her and her husband can see each other or their child. Everyone is different! So just be prepared for yourself :) My goal is to minimize having "regrets" as much as possible!

  12. I completely agree with Andee. While I'm thrilled (& terrified) to be a mother, I also feel like we are missing out on the time to just be husband & wife and let our relationship grow outside of the parent spectrum. But I think it's very wise of you guys to listen to whatever answers you receive from the Lord, He's the only one who knows when the time is right. :)

  13. Look on the bright side - you are married and can most likely have babies when you and Taylor are ready. I am a birth mother of eleven years, still single at 37, and have been told I will never be able to have more babies. I would give anything to be told "not yet" instead of "never." count your blessings. You will be a Mom again some day when its right.

  14. dangit my comment did not post yesterday via my cell phone... all i said was for me its been two years and i am more baby hungry than ever recently. I am so ready to be a mommy :) and be pregnant again. it is so normal!

  15. Samantha was 4 1/2 when I had Ava and those were LONG LONG years. I was so baby hungry it literally hurt. It felt like there was a hole in my chest. It's normal. Someday you will have one with the man you love and that child will be well worth the wait!

  16. You are not the only one. I got pregnant at 16, had my daughter at 17 and since then I have had "baby fever" Partly I had the fear of "What if I can't get pregnant again" "What if I will never be ready to be a good parent" "What if I never get married and have kids etc".
    BUT I also knew that I picked adoption because I didn't want to parent a child when I wasn't fully able to. Then at 23 I got pregnant again. Still not the perfect situation, but I was ready and able to parent. My son, Matthew, healed my heart. There was this void in my life that I thought never could be filled, but he did. BUT you have to wait until the time is right to have a child. I just wrote a blog post about this last week. There are a lot of new emotions that come along when you get pregnant post adoption. When the time is right you will have an amazing child, and be an amazing Mother. You already are an amazing Birth Mom!

  17. I wouldn't worry, I don't think anyone would take offense from this--you have every right to be baby hungry and to want to have a baby.
    In South Africa they called it "broody" which is such a fun term because of the images it concocts.

  18. I am so proud of you for turning to HF for your answer. We were sealed last night to our baby. :)

  19. So I don't know why I didn't think of this till now, the title should have tipped me off. You need to listen to this song.
    "Hungry, I come to You
    For I know You satisfy
    I am empty but I know
    Your love does not run dry

    So I wait for You
    So I wait for You

    I'm falling on my knees
    Offering all of me
    Jesus, You're all this heart
    Is living for"

    This version is my favorite.