Monday, July 20, 2009

Here We Go Again.

Here We Go Again
Demi Lovato

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone that we are through
Cause I'm so much better without you
But it's just another pretty lie
Cause I break down
Everytime you come around

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
Swore that I'll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We're falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Every time that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you're always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it's no use
Can't Be With Or Without You

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
Swore that I'll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We're falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go go again

I threw all of your stuff away
And I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
Swore that I'll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We're falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go
Here we go again
Here we go again

Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again

That's probably the song of the week for me.

I wish I could tell you all everything about my baby daddy drama but that's his personal life. Even though I may get no respect, I respect his life. Funny how that works out.
The most I can really tell you is that I'm not happy with him and I've given up on him. I'm sure I've probably said that a million times. But I've had enough. I'm tired. I'm 8 months pregnant. I should've learned in the beginning that I can't do anything to make him change. So I'm learning that now. I'm done making an effort if he's not going to do anything. I told him last night if he didn't talk to me then he wouldn't ever see his daughter. He can make the effort if his daughter is at all important to him.
Of course, he said nothing back.

This is what me and him need to talk about: the birth plan, the hospital, and the adoption plan.

This is my birth plan, hospital, adoption plan without involving him:
I'm probably not going to tell him when I'm in labor or when she's born.
If someone in my family thinks that's wrong they can go ahead and call him and try to get him to come because I'm not going to. I'm sure he won't go if I ask.
I'm sure if he did come I'll be in pain and angry at him for making me go through this.
I'm hoping he'll sign away his rights before she's born because I don't want him to be at the hospital at all. I don't want him to have the chance to see her.

-I know this is sounding really bitter and rude. I'm just asking he makes the effort to talk to me about a birth plan and adoption plan. Because all of that up there will change if he does something. I'm sure it's hard to have a simple conversation when you haven'ttalked to me at all in the past 8 months. It's the least he can do.

The only time I'll probably let him see her or let him know she's here is the last day they're in town.
If V&D come and visit then he can find out for himself.
I'm planning on changing my phone number after she's born, even though N doesn't ever try to get a hold of me. He doesn't deserve to know anything remotely close relating to his daughter.

-I was talking to a friend last night and I was telling her I was going to ask him to change his number too. It'll just be easier for us to move on then try to repair anything. If I could let go now, I would in a heartbeat. But I know for myself, I can't when I'm carrying his baby.

It hurts sometimes to realize that we used to be so close and be such really good friends. And to realize that we can't ever be friends again. I really think we should be civil and not end on a bad note because I will have an open relationship with Olivia and if she ever wants to meet her dad, I'm not going to tell her no. But again, it's up to him if he'd ever want to see her later in life. I hope he'll mature by then.
But with the song, "How did you get under my skin?" I ran into him at his work. I really was hoping I wouldn't. He came up and talked to me, I was also with one of my friends. If it was just myself then he probably wouldn't have. I was printing off pictures at the picture kiosk. Really our conversation was,

"What's up?"
"Nothing just trying to print off some pictures but it's taking a long time."
"Oh. Well have fun."

"Is it still taking a long time?"
"You have a lot of pictures."
"Yep, there's more."
"I believe it."


It just confuses me. He acts like a totally different person when I'm with other people. It's like he's trying to make a statement like, "Look, I'm not an ass like she says I am. I'm talking to her."
If I was by myself would you come talk to me? Probably not.
I've just heard too many things for me to believe that he could ever change and try to come around.
He does a lot of things just to "be nice" not because he wants to do them. I realize that he may not have to get pregnant and not have to tell anyone that he got a girl pregnant because he doesn't have to show it. Because if you haven't heard, ONLY GIRLS CAN GET THEMSELVES PREGNANT!
Isn't that so WEIRD?!!
I believe it.
When a guy doesn't take responsibility of making a child, he doesn't get the credit of having a child.

To end on a happy note,

Wednesday will be a pretty productive day.
I have a meeting with Loni in the morning.
I'm hanging out with Z.
I have a doctors appointment at 2. My 32 week appointment :)
Then I have group at 4:30-6.
Then Z is going to the hospital to have her babyyyyyy. YAY! I'm SO excited for her.

My parents are going out of town for their anniversary, a cruise to Alaska.
Of all places. PFFT.

Friday and Saturday is a FSA conference. I'm hoping I can get work off to go.

V&D are coming out here in a few weeks for V's sister's wedding!! :) I get to see them again before Olivia's born. I'm SO excited.

I'm SO disoriented. For some reason I thought this Wednesday was the 29th! And that's when my doctors appointment is. So, I'm doing everything else that I said I was doing on Wednesday minus the doctors appointment.
And the FSA conference isn't until NEXT weekend.
I figured this out after I went to my work to turn in a schedule request, we're supposed to do it every Saturday night and I forgot. But my boss had already made the schedule so I was like nooooo, there is no way they'll let me have Friday AND Saturday off. Then I looked and I'm safe.
Look at what stress does to me. I don't even know the days of the week.

I also finished the 2nd season of Gossip Girl last night. :) I'm SO excited for season 3 to start!

Quotes of the day:

She's backing off. That's what he wants. He's too afraid of
commitment. Too afraid to let somebody into his life. He doesn't
want to love anybody. To him, it's being weak. He doesn't want
to need someone. He wants to want someone. He should love because
he wants to. Not because he has to. But he can't. He's tried, and he can't.

Some people pass through your life and you never think about them again.
Some you think about and wonder what ever happened to them.
Some you wonder if they ever wonder what happened to you.
And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.

No, he doesn't always make me happy. There are times when I
really just want to punch him in the face, get up and walk away
because it seems so much easier. But that's not what true love is about.
It's about learning to forgive him for his mistakes, not holding grudges and
bringing up the past. It's about learning to love and admire him even more
for all the small imperfections, because not one person on this earth is perfect. It's
about discovering something new about each other every day, and falling in love
all over again every time you look into his eyes. It's about understanding
and working through problems, not just giving up when something goes
wrong. True love wasn't meant to be easy, but it's definitely worth it.

He ignores her every chance he gets. Unless they're alone,
she doesn't exist. He never returns her calls and never
keeps his promises. So why is she still waiting for him to love her?

One of these days you'll realize that I was the one for you.
How you threw it all away. And when that day comes, I'll smile
and tell you the same things you once told me: That you're my
friend, and that's all I want us to be. And maybe,
if you're lucky.. You'll open your eyes and see how those words
can never be comforting. And you'll never say them again.

It's amazing the things you realize when you lose someone:
You get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a
million times, you take for granted the days spent doing nothing
when you could have been with them. Anyone can be taken,
at any time in our lives, but we always wait until they're
gone to say the things we never had the courage to before.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because you're mad, maybe it's
because you're afraid, maybe it's because you're also a little
confused, maybe it's because you want to act cool;
but whatever the reason, you're breaking my heart.

Sometimes you want something so bad that you're afraid
of the consequences are you really afraid of the
consequences? Or are you afraid of what you really want?

Remember all those times I swore I needed you? Well consider
them lies. Because baby, here I am. Without you and I survived.

I'm leaving you this message to let you know that nothing
has changed. You're still a disappointment. I'm leaving you
this message to let you know, I'm not surprised.

It's almost like you had it planned. It's like you took my
hand and said, "Hey, I'm about to screw you over big time."


  1. OH that is so exciting that you get to see Dustinn and Val again before Olivia is born! :D Woot! woot! :D I hardly know what to say really, except I Love you! And I will stand by you to help you get through this the best I can! :D Getting over a guy isn't too easy(especially since you're carrying his baby... :P ) I hope you know that you look like you have grown these past 8 months even though I hardly talk to you or see you at all, every sunday is enough to see your improvement in your eyes! It is so amazing to see! :D You are such an amazing person and I admire your braveness to share your feelings with all of us!!! :D Love ya hun! Keep doing what you're doing! You can make it through this! I know you can! :D

  2. Hey Stef. So you are mad at him and he deserves it. It probably would be better if he changed his cell number so you couldn't call him. It's nice to know that in a few months you won't be carrying his baby and you'll hopefully be able to really move on. He really doesn't deserve all the attention and anguish you give him.
    Yay for seeing Dustinn and Val again. :)

  3. I agree! Boys are just a pain! And wow! Some "Ouch"! LOL Those are some awesome! Quotes! :D LOL "...I'm about to screw you over!" one is probably my favorite! I don't know why... but it is! LOL