Friday, July 24, 2009


31 weeks and my friend's dog named Abby. She's probably my favorite dog ever.

This is kind of intense. I don't normally do these. I'm 23 weeks pregnant here.

31 WEEKS BABBBBY!! That line is not a stretch mark P.S. it's from my shirt.

Yes, I'm 32 weeks today. But, I haven't posted any 31 week pictures.

A friend of mine had her baby a few days ago. I can't say her name because it's confidential. :)
But, it was a really neat experience. I went and saw her at the hospital maybe 2 hours after she delivered. Just being around her was so peaceful. She was just really content with everything. She is placing for adoption. And it was so neat. I got to meet her couple who are the sweetest people in the world. I really look up to her. I honestly, almost got emotional when I found out she delivered. It has been so incredible to see her, she's a trooper.

It makes me SO excited, even though I have 2 more months. I just want to start planning everything now. That's probably why I'm kind of laying down the law with a certain person. This is how I see it. He can believe he has the rights to see her because he helped make her. But really, he got the easy, fun part. If you know what I mean. Ha. Then I get the 10 months of sickness, weight gain, fatigue. Not to mention, I get to go through the pain of labor and delivery. He then gets to have the fun of holding her and loving her. Yeah, no. If I have to work for it. He has to as well. He may not be physically or emotionally attached to her right now. He can at the least support me or help me when I ask him for it. He doesn't really know how to be involved so, guys who are dads or soon-to-be dads, you can leave me some comments about what you think I should tell him or how he can help be a support. I have no idea. He feels like it's all for me but Olivia is not her own person. So yes, it's mostly just emotional support. I'm not asking for financial or physical support. More just having the idea of if he supports me, than he supports her. It's more of a state of mind type of thing. That I know if he cares about me, he cares about her. But I'm not saying care as in, he HAS to love me, he HAS to be with me, it's just a genuine care for the person carrying his baby.

I know a lot of people are telling me all the time not to give him the time of day. Not to be harsh, but this is what I have to say. 1. He isn't my husband. He's not going to be there for me everyday after she's born. I don't get to come home to him every night and know he'll be there to support. Because he isn't there, we're not getting married, we don't live together. I don't know everyday that he would really want to be there for Olivia. 2. You probably have never been pregnant or had that emotional connection with someone to understand why I would want him to be there. Even though that there has been so much drama and hurt, it doesn't take away that Olivia is part him. You are reminded of that when you take your first at home pregnancy test that you didn't make this baby by yourself. You are reminded when you hear her heartbeat for the first time and he's not there to listen. You are reminded when you're throwing up and cursing that he's the reason why you are. You are reminded when he's with you at the first ultrasound and smiling at her. You are reminded when you feel her kick and know that he's never felt that.
Ew, I'm getting emotional writing all of that.

Anyway, I'm trying to be excited. I think when Dustinn and Val come out here for Val's sisters wedding, I want them to meet him. Because he would've had to wait until at the hospital. Surprise, these are the parents of your child! That would probably be a bitter moment for him if he meet them after she was born. I don't know, actually. I don't know how he feels about all of it. We'll see what all happens. But I'm for real, guys, any guys really. Or if girls want to give their advice too. What specifically can I do or not do to help him come around? Trust me, I've been working on it for 8 months. I've been working on ignoring him. I've been working on writing letters to him about how I feel. I've been working on talking to him in person how I feel. I get nothing. So when I feel like I get nothing, I feel like he deserves nothing. I'm not a person to hold grudges so I wouldn't be able to do that. I've told him a simple conversation with me would help me out, if he texted me back, called me back, whatever. I understand that maybe in the beginning that he decided to stay away to make me realize that we were never getting back together. Got the hint, buddy. You can come around now for your daughter. Not for me.

It makes me excited for Olivia to be here to meet new people. Or for everyone to meet her. It'll be really cool. I kind of want to a baby shower/open house? after she's born so people who didn't get to meet her at the hospital can come or haven't met Dustinn and Val or me. Whatev. It'll be a BLAST. :) Oh the joy of little babies.

I'm dubbing my sister RuthAnn to be in charge of all the photos in the hospital. She has to capture every moment. She better not fail me. :) Oh man, is it almost September yet?!?!


  1. Possible ways he can be supportive:
    -Just listen to you talk

    -Go to prenatal appointments (if you want him there, I always preferred to do them alone)

    -I told the bio-father (who I actually live with but he was pretty much indifferent and removed from all of my pregnancies) that he didn't have to do anything except ask once in a while how I was feeling and listen to my answer without turning on the TV.

    -It's easier to be strong and harder to lean on someone else...but if you want him to be supportive, he has to know that you need support. He can't help if he doesn't know what you need. I think that's true for anyone that you want to be supportive of the pregnancy but isn't - they probably want to support you but don't know how.

  2. Well, I'm going to sound like a downer but if eight months has already passed, the chances of him making any real kind of effort to be involved are kind of slim. It's easier for him to aviod responsibility all together right now but I think it will really hit him hard once she's actually born. It's a little thing I like to call REALITY. Danaahnaah! You can't make him talk to you. You can't make him come to your appointments. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, even if he says he doesn't know what you want. He has to want to be there on his own. So, my advice to you is let him know you want his support, don't force it on him, and let him come to you. But don't get your hopes up. A loving family, the people who support you and Olivia, no matter who these people are, is better than an indifferent biological father. To sum this up...I'm no help whatsoever. =]

  3. You have said in the past that when ever you have talked to him.. you said that he says the "I don't know why you are so mad at me for..." Or "I don't know how to help support you, you've never told me!" the thing is you have droped lots of hints on the Blog(and you also said he is reading! And I hope he is reading NOW! Get the Hint Nic! NOW!), Stef I agree with Justin if he hasn't been there for you the past 8 months he isn't probably not wanting to come Till it is too late, and he is going to regret every bit of it and REALITY WILL HIT HIM LIKE A BASEBALL BAT!!! Nic, if you are reading this please realize that all Stefanie wants is for you to at least care for what is apart of you! She already knows that you won't be together again, and she hardingly accepts that. She wants you to see and Love your Daughter and know that she is going to the Most Loving home that she could ever Ask for! And if you don't click in now, your rights will disappear right before your eyes and you won't be able to see your daughter, maybe sadly till the next life, or you run into her on accident when she starts College somewhere in 18 years or so(Ok, Kinda Scary to think that! Crap! Stef! We'll be old! ahhh!! :'( ) Anyways, you'll be regreting the fact that you weren't able to see the precious little angel you made! OH! And she already knows who you are, and she knows who stefanie is(of course! duh!) any ways, she has her own spirit that doesn't know how to control a body yet, but she knows how to make her own decisions in a way already even before stef heard a heart beat. Seriously think about it, if she didn't want to be on this earth or didn't feel right coming stef would have had a miscarriage months ago! :( And she would have been able to move on a bit(including with some sadness which is very common) YOu see! Olivia is coming for a reason! And that reason is what Stefanie's sister pointed out before she came home from her Mission and seriously I won't forget it either! The baby physically was to help Stefanie, but spritually she's meant for someone else." And you know who that is? Olivia's Adoptive wonderful Parents Valery and Dustinn Jackson! Who could have been better? Nobody! And Stefanie is one of the Strongest people I know. So please give her some help and support by Loving your Daughter! And then you can move on in your life on your own. And Stef will do the same. Just please! Do what you can to be there to have the emotional support for Olivia! She needs that to be able to come out during the Labor and Delivery(at least Pray for her during that time, cause it is just as exhausting for the baby to come out as it is for the mother.) Trust me I have two little sisters that are 5 and younger... I remember their birthdays! They were both exhausted(Kendra was sleeping when I first held her, and Abbie she was Wide awake but not for very long. after having a bonding moment that I will never forget with Abbie, she fell asleep! You could tell she wanted to tell me something, and she did in her own beautiful way! Through the spirit! It is so amazing what babies can be like when they first come into the world!). Please Nic! If you are reading this, at least think about it!

  4. oopps! I may have quoted something a little backwards... but I think you know what I mean right Stef? LOL Wow! Blonde moment! :P "Spiritually she's meant to help stefanie, physically she's meant to help somebody else." ok... much better! LOL

  5. And I want it to be September!! I want to Meet Olivia Now!! ahh! She is going to be so cute and like her Mother!!! :D September can't you come quicker please?!!

  6. I talked with Handsome Husband and his first response was "why would he feel like there is anything to come around for now?" With the baby being given up for adoption, he probably doesn't feel like there's a reason for him to get involved. Handsome Husband plans to respond to you in email more.

    But I would say that you have told him how to be involved and he has decided that it's not good enough, that it's just for you. So he's not waiting for you to tell him what to do, he's coming up with another excuse to avoid the awkward situation that he made.

    Who knows? Maybe he won't have these awful feelings of regret? And if he does you can at least feel good that you tried as hard as you could to keep him from feeling that way. I probably wouldn't keep him from meeting her, though. Even if he hasn't had to suffer and work like you have, I think that you would end up feeling guilty if you never let him meet her.

  7. Great question. Extremely difficult answer.
    Dustinn and I talked about it for a long time without any strokes of we are delighted to hear the good news in your most recent post.