Thursday, July 2, 2009

Two Worlds Collide

Baha. So I went to the doctors yesterday. I found out from the glucose and the HCT test that I'm a little bit anemic. Lame.
But the baby is good. She's growing and has a heartbeat.
Ha, I texted that last part to a friend of mine and they said, "That's good. Pretty sure we don't know that about the father."
I got weighed and I looked. Pre-pregnancy weight I think was around 145. I don't like to know my weight. The weighed me at 161. MEH. 16 pounds. Pretty sure I could cry.

The past couple of days of have been pretty brutal. Besides the fact of being hormonal and pregnant, I've just had a lot of stuff to deal with and don't really know what to do. I've been wanting to be angry and wrote out my feelings in a letter. Then last night I cried because I felt so pathetic.

Here are some quotes from The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball that have helped comfort me.
I just want you to know that they are EXACTLY how I feel. If you're a grandparent reading this for either your daughter or son who are in my situation. Take it to heart.

"In this situation it is the girl who suffers most... She carries most of the burdens, while the boy often goes penalty-free. The girl most go through the uncomfortable nine months with its distress, deprivations, limitations and embarrassments, and then the pain and expense of delivery and the difficult life afterward. It is a cowardly boy who would not propose marriage, pay costs, share the deprivations and embarrassment. Yet many young men have walked away and abandoned the girl to all the devastating payments for the sin of them both. Parents frequently excuse the son on one pretext or another, and leave the girl to suffer for the sins of them both."

"To buy the girl off or abandon her to her lifelong problem is not courageous, nor fair, nor right. The time will come when every individual will pay full price, and perhaps with interest, every obligation incurred even though it was hidden or covered at the time."

"The young girl who sins realize that all the sorrows, inconvenience and suffering she goes through incident to the carrying and bearing of a child do not fully constitute forgiveness of her sin. She must repent and make her proper adjustment. Let the boy realize too that none of the suffering of the girl minimizes his guilt, but rather magnifies it. For many reasons he may not be prepared to settle down to family life, but he has by his immoral act projected himself into adulthood and has broght upon himself responsibilities which he will do well to accept and discharge as honorably as he can. Like the girl, he needs to find his way to total repentance, and the road leads through acceptance of responsibility, not away from it."

"For the boy, perhaps the matter can be glossed over and covered up by parents who seek to avoid publicity and a scandal, but have they realized what they have done for their son's soul when he doubles his transgression by failing in his repentance? True repentance means restitution, meeting every obligation and restoring every damage so far as is possible. Yet it is strange how many times parents of the boy decide the girl who was good enough for him to date suddeny became promiscuous and therefor is now unworthy for their son; strange also how few of the parents charge th boy with promiscuity and consequently encourage their son to pass up his responsibilities, even to his own detriment; strange how many parents charge the girl who having trapped their son and now rate their boy "holier than thou" and the girl is not worth of further consideration in the matter!"

"In some instances, each party accused the other; each began to distrust the other; each began to hate the other. They both admitted their sin but now the boy was trying to 'crawl out.' His parents were encouraging him to get out of it. They knew the many problems which marriage brings."

In this part of the story it talks about him talking to a couple who encourage marriage in the home. The girl was realizing her predicament and was willing in spite of her fast-diminishing respect or affection for the weakening, selfish boy. And the boy freaks out in this part. Which reminds me a lot of my situation. Ha. All I'm going to say is that I agree what President Kimball had to say to the boy.

"He asked: 'Why? Why should we marry? How could we marry? I have no job. I haven't finished my education. Where would we live? How could I pay doctor and hospital bills? How could we get along without a car? How could we assume the responsibilities of a family and parenthood?'
Then I asked some questions: 'Why did you precipitate yourselves into this demanding situation? Why did you do the act which would make you parents? Why did you engage in associations which demand home, employment, status? Your completely irresponsible act and your reaction to it brand you immediately as immature. You seem highly interested in yourself and your conveniences, and your desires. Are you going to run and leave the girl to carry your baby with all your penalties too? It is time you both grew up and matured and faced realities. This situation is not the intention of either of you but it is the result of your loose actions. You made the choice when you broke the law of chastity. You knew it was wrong. You knew this problem could result. Now if you are going to grow up and meet life's issues; if you are going to be fair and just; if you are going to start out a good life on a straight road start now to meet your responsibilities...
Today is a good day to start a new life of mature responsibility. Cease blaming others, start to accept your own responsibility. Make up your own mind. You brought this about together, now solve your problems together. Forgive each other and move along and make the best of a difficult situation, and do not run away from it."

I don't take any of this lightly. I've been pregnant for seven months. I know what it's like to be alone through all of this. There are days that it is hard for people to look and judge and say things about me either behind my back or to my face. It's hard to know that I'm the only one getting the consequences of my actions. I'm taking responsibility. It takes two to make a baby. That's for sure. But I'm the only one that shows it. Sometimes there are days that I don't even want to walk out my door to face whatever challenge comes my way. I've learned that through all of this, I'm the stronger person. I am not some seductress who forced some guy to get me pregnant. I'm sorry if there are people who are involved in this, family, or people who aren't even involved in this and have been offended by what I say.
Please take a walk in my shoes... or more put on a fat suit and let me know what smart remarks and crude comments you get throughout the day. Because I'd like to know what you think of living my life everyday.

Song of the week:



Two Worlds Collide
Demi Lovato

She was given the world
So much that she couldn't see
And she needed someone
To show her who she could be
And she tried to survive
Wearing her heart on her sleeve
But I needed you to believe

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

She was scared of it all
Watching from far away
She was given the role
Never knew just when to play
And she tried to survive
Living her life on her own
Always afraid of the throne
But you've given me strength to find home

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

She was scared
Unprepared
Left in the dark
Falling apart
I can survive
With you by my side
We're gonna be alright
(We're gonna be alright)
This is what happens when two worlds collide

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

You had your dreams, I had mine
(You had your dreams, I had mine)
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide
When two different worlds collide

18 comments:

  1. Holy Cow Stef!!! You totally just made my day!! I'm sure that sounds weird to say! But You helped me find something to have Kevin to read. At least the part where it says "You guys got in to this bad situation together, now you guys get mature and be responsible and get out of it together." (Or something like that). It is so true! I have told Kevin that a couple times, and now I have found it in a talk or Quote from a friend! :D That was truly amazing! And thanks! :D Love ya tons! :D And with the glucose test thing... don't they usually do that 2nd trimester? I don't know... they did it to my mom every time she was pregnant. But that is partly because she has had Diabetes every time during the pregnancies... the interesting thing is... when you have diabetes while you'r pregnant the babies are usually close to 10 pounds(Killer!!! and Ouch!! I bet) But Me and my siblings were all about 7 lb. rang! It was pretty weird. I'm just glad you don't have to watch your diet so closely as much as a diabetic(during a pregnancy I totally forgot the name for it). But yeah! Thanks for the quotes! That was pretty much awesome!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. They do the glucose screen test around 26-28 weeks. My doctor told me I was in my 3rd trimester not this last doctors appointment but the one before. But I've been told I'm in it now. Ha. I don't know.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Major props! I love this post. I really admire how you can talk about what's going on for you. I really wish I could open up, but I'm always so scared of upsetting people...specifically his parents and friends because we share alot of the same friends. I want so hard to try to just let out how I feel, but I KNOW it would piss alot of people off. I'm working towards it though. I think it might be easier if I had some people actually subscribed to my blog who could back me up lol. I know people read it, but none of those people have blogs and leave comments. :P

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey! Azura, maybe see if you can make your blog private and invite specific people that you truly trust! Stefanie did that for a while(as you probably remember).

    ReplyDelete
  5. oh I see... When do you start the weekly cheek ups?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Stefanie -

    I hope it's okay for me to post. I found your blog through Danielle and the Adoption Voices. I am an A-Mom, to a beautiful little girl who was born in Seoul, S. Korea.

    I just wanted to say thank you for your thoughts, & feelings. For sharing this difficult journey with us. I know a million people have probably told you this - but you are so very strong and brave for making this decision - not only for you, but for your daughter-to-be as well.

    I think about my daughter's birth Mom almost everyday. I hope she has found some peace, I hope she is happy, healthy, and knows deep in her heart that her baby girl is being SOOOO loved, and cherished, and most of all I wish deep down, that someday I will be able to meet her in person and show her what an amazing treasure she gave us - she made us a family - and her daughter, my daughter, the baby we share is so precious, so truly, unbelievably, wonderful, sweet, & happy. She makes everyday a joy!

    I also wanted to say that I LOVE that section of text you quoted - I have a dear friend who made an adoption plan for her daughter at the age of 16 and everybody did the typical "praise the boy for being a stud" and chastise the girl for being promiscuous!!! I hated that - it was so inappropriate - it takes two!!! She made a terribly difficult decision and had no support from the boy, their parents, or most of her "friends" - SHE was the one doing the right thing and accepting responsibility for her actions - where we he? Probably smoking weed out behind the school!!!

    I wish you, your daughter, and the adoptive family you have chosen all the best. Make all of your dreams come true - whatever it takes - you deserve it!!!!

    A VERY Proud & Thankful Adoptive Mom

    ReplyDelete
  7. Kristen- I think what you can do since they aren't subscribed you can make it so your comments are public to anyone and some people can leave anonymous but you can make sure they don't.

    Natasha- My next appointment is in 4 weeks. Then the next 3 are every 2 weeks. Then the last 3 are every week.

    A-Mom- Thanks for reading :)You're okay to post anything you want. Pretty much everyone is okay to post.
    Yeah, I've had my fair share of my baby daddy being praised for "changing his life around" or "becoming a better person" and leaving me in the dust. It pretty much rocks. Not. I just don't understand how him not owning up makes him a better person. The way I see it, he's hiding and family members are okay with that because I'm some unstable pregnant freak. HA. Right.
    P.S. your daughter is darling :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. A-Mom your comment almost made me cry. I've been in almost the EXACT same boat as Stefanie but I kept my baby girl. With the family and friend support that I have, I've been able to do this, but for most of my pregnancy, I was leaning towards adoption because for awhile it really was the best option. I'm so glad I've been able to keep her, but it just made me cry to read your comment I guess for two reasons. One, because I feel for Stefanie and I know it's gotta be tough for her with adoption as much as it is the best choice for her and two because of how much I used to wonder if anyone I would have adopted my Faye to could have loved her as much as I could. I guess its just the emotion behind your comment and the sincerity in that emotion that made me tear up. anyway stay well!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Stephanie -

    You sound like an amazing girl. My husband and I recently found out that we are unable to have a natural child. We are looking into adoption and I just ran across your blog. You sound amazing and theadoptive parents you chose are so very lucky. If you have any advice for us or know anyone else that would like a wonderful loving home for their child please think of us. My email is mike_denise@mail.com and we have started a website - www.deniseandmike.webs.com if you wanted to see more about us - our tel number is 866-594-6996 Thanks again and I totally admire what you are doing and the person you seem to be

    - Denise

    ReplyDelete
  10. wow, those are some pretty amazing and poignant passages... Val and I really admire your strength, AND we're excited for you to come in just a few days!! It will be a lot of fun, plus you'll get to meet Val's sister Lindy.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ok.. that is pretty awesome! I forgot about that... LOL ;) Last time my mom was pregnant it was almost four years ago... so I wasn't remembering... LOL

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow. I've read "The Miracle of Forgiveness" before and I guess I'd forgotten how straightforward President Kimball was, but I'm glad he is!

    I'm really sorry that people make you feel this way. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of how you must be feeling. I hope things start looking up for you and I'm sure they will because we're going to have an absolute blast in DC! (so excited to meet you)

    I'm so impressed by your endurance, courage, and audacity through this all. "Never give up, never surrender" :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. It does make me angry that people treat you that way. I remember when Shay moved into the ward and was pregnant. I was either pregnant with Lydia or had just had her and I didn't want to be judging her. I wanted to be supportive, even though I was so sad that she was in that situation. I wish more people would be supportive and realize that judging won't change the situation and it certainly won't help!

    I'm sorry things have been so hard and that you have been so alone. You have my love and support, for what it's worth.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dustinn- I'll be seeing you guys in like... 24 hours or less. Whatev.

    Lindy- I'm so excited to meet you! Pretty sure, you, me and Val will sit up and eat ice cream and watch late night chick flicks. Dust will probably go crazy.
    President Kimball has changed my life from his book. :)

    Erika- I totally forgot about Shay being pregnant. I remember that I was actually really close friends with her when she was pregnant and after she lost her baby. I went to the funeral and everything. It was super sad. :(
    She's on the doing okay meter in life, I think. She's married now or engaged? She just had her 2nd baby a month or so ago. I ran into her at a gas station she worked at when she was 6 or 7 months pregnant, I think. She has a 2 year old daughter named Brooklyn. Her son is named Austin.

    I really do wish there were people who were more supportive. But I got my support group and I know they won't leave me. Unlike some people. :)Holla at the sisterly love.

    ReplyDelete
  15. yeah! I saw Shay at Dr. Andersen Chiropratic when I was going out with my ex-boyfriend, and she was like 6 weeks along or something.. I haven't seen her in like forever! Yeah... I wish I was more supportive of her when she was in the ward... Especially since she lost her baby! :( Last I saw her Daughter... boy! That was a cute chunky baby!! LOL :D She was so dang CUTE!!! With the Chubby Cheeks and the chubby legs(which Nurses Love for giving shots to babies! :( :D). She was just waddling around and walking! :D So cute! And when I saw her she was engaged so I was happy for there right there! That she was able to get married! :D I so want to run into soon so I can see her new baby!! I bet he's cute! :D I was just recently thinking about her too! LOL Wondering when she had her baby, and even when she got married even! I'm sure she is happy! Or at least I hope she is happy! :D

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi, remember me? No? Okay. So, then just pretend this is a stranger leaving you this comment. The url to your blog was in my address bar from nine million years ago when I had MySpace and I thought "WHAT IS THIS!?" so I clicked it, read the first entry, and I figured I would give you my two cents since I'm here. Anyways, it's kind of a bummer that my gender has this reputation of being unreliable, dishonest, and a waste of space to say the least. I wish I could say "I'm not that guy." Because I'd hate to think that I could be. Do you know what I mean? But I don't think you can really even honestly know until that kind of situation has been thrown at you. Personally, I think it takes a lot more courage to own up to this kind of responsibility then it does to run away saying "I don't want anything to do with this." Because it seems like he used "becoming a better person" as a cop-out. So, I commend you for being strong.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Justin, I love you. Where have you been all my life?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wow, does that ever hit close to home! I'm going to have to read that book, thanks for sharing! ( :

    ReplyDelete