Tuesday, August 31, 2010

4. Dread.

It's this time of year that I had possibly thought about but never put into much consideration that it'd actual be here. It sounds silly, because time will move forward whether we like it to or not. It's the time that every single (pregnant) girl that I knew in group last year, their babies are turning a year old. And in 22 days, that will be my little one turning a year old.

As, you're reading this, I'm packing my stuff to move out. Another big step for me that has to happen. All these emotions surface for me. It's anticipation and excitement. The same reaction I have when people ask me about Olivia's 1st birthday. But there is one emotion that comes first before the other ones. Only for a second. Dread. The fear of the unknown. Kind of like how I'm feeling about moving out. I may be loving every minute of it on the outside. But the inside, it's tearing me up. I'm literally picking my things up and moving on to a new life. So much responsibility but I'm excited to share it with someone that I love, deeply.

Will it always be this way, around this time each year? Will I dread her birthday? Will flashbacks of that day of the hospital always stop me in my tracks and bring me to tears? I know everyday isn't like this. And it's been awhile that I've actually dreaded something. But I do. I'm sure I've said it a million times but I'm sure, the day of I'll be completely fine. But what if this is the one time I spin out of control?

I'm sure I've daydreamed from time to time about Olivia's first birthday. Everything in pink and decorated with princesses, crowns, feathers and fur. Videotaping her as she gets cake all over her face. Watch her run around and play with other kids... when I thought she was going to be mine.

I don't have control of that. I don't get to pick out her birthday outfit for her. I don't get to decorate her birthday cake. Her birthday is the day before my wedding and Val is flying out here. We're all planning on celebrating together. I'm sure things may not have changed much if I chose a different plan. Each side of Olivia's family would be there. Celebrating along with us.

But I don't know if it's because it's the first year that it might just be tough right now. But when I see her that day. I just want to pick her up and sit her down on my lap. Maybe cradle her. Tell her how one year ago that day is the day that she was in my tummy. Everyone was anxiously awaiting her arrival. She was the center of everyones attention and when she was born, we all gasped and cried at her beauty. We all wanted to take turns holding her, kissing her and loving her. Will I get to hold her again at 9:36 PM on September 23? Is it possible to just turn back time for that one whole minute? This past year has changed me. I read back and realize that I was naive. I was probably wrong on a lot of things. I'm sure I'm still wrong about a lot of things. And I'm sure I'm still naive.

I'm sure I'm being dramatic. I'm sure I won't dread every year.

But this is just another reminder. One more year, that she's not mine.

Being my daughter. Being her mommy. Like I was the day that she was placed on my chest and crying her cute eyes out. Holding her and feeding her. I wish I would've known things will never be the same after that.

I know what I was choosing and I knew my consequences. But sometimes it just hurts. I wish someone would tell me it's okay to cry about it and feel this way. I know I have friends who have been there but it's hard because I want to appear strong and maybe believe I can do this on my own. But I just can't sometimes. Sometimes I do need to just pray that everything will be okay. God is my number one comforter. He has been there every step of the way.

I'm sure my arms will ache for her every year. Will I always go back to that day at the hospital? Will I always be remembered what it was like not to have empty arms? To not have that little life reach her arms out to me and call me, "mommy?" My life changed forever that day. I never want to dread or regret it. I don't regret it. But, possibly for now, or today, I'll dread it. You'll never know what tomorrow has in store for you.

Like I said in the beginning, this is another big step that has to happen for me. I had to pick Olivia up and place her in the arms of her new mom. Us, three, had to move on and start new lives. Olivia, Val's daughter. Val, Olivia's mom. Um. For some reason that just really struck a chord for me. They have each other. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be in this picture. They have each other now. I'm lucky to be included in anything at all for her birthday. I'm grateful for it. I know I had to move on and find who I was after Olivia. I had to move on and take the title as her birthmom. I had to move on and find my soulmate. Maybe I feel guilty at this part. That I'm moving on without her in my life.Will she hate me for it? Will she understand the sacrifice that it always has been? I remember sitting with Nic in the hospital room before placement. We're holding her and crying. We talk about our hopes and dreams for her. I want her to know that even if I moved on without her that it was the hardest thing that I've had to do. I want her to know at the times that she may be angry with me that I did this for her, just know that there were plenty of times that I was angry with myself. I just hope she lives her life happily, she understands everything and doesn't think she was a mistake. So many people wanted you here, more than you know. I know their life as a family has started. I know my new life is just barely starting. It's the fear of the unknown, that I dread.

On a happy note, my last post. I posted later about my groomal pictures. If you'd like to see them. Go to my photog's blog.

Now you're going to listen to some Daughtry. This song brings me back to last September. Every time.


  1. This made me cry. I hope you enjoy time before your wedding with her.

  2. Yes, you will relive her birth and get taken back to the hospital moments ever year. I think the first birthday is the hardest, even as a parenting mom (I have a 3 year old I parent and a 6 year old I placed in an open adoption). I dread it every year for both of them because it means they are growing up and changing.

    And like you, I worry about the unknown because each year does bring new challenges and things to get through in every day life and adoption. But, I can tell you it gets easier each year, at least it did for me. You still relive those moments of pain and joy of her birth day, but at the same time you see that you've made it this far and what a blessing/awe it is to watch her grow even from a distance. You also some how are able to distance yourself from the pain a little more each year as some memories fade simply because time doesn't allow to hold every single memory and emotion. 6 years later, I still feel and remember, but it doesn't seem quite as intense as when I experienced it then.

    *hugs* Definitely surround yourself with support around her birthday and spend time with God! I also find it healing to write to my birthdaughter on her birthday to express those overwhelming emotions to her and capture what memories I do have just for her to read one day.

  3. Praying for you Stefanie... I hope you can feel peace this month :)

  4. It's been nearly 4 1/2 years since I placed my little boy. And every year, I bawl like a baby on his birthday (and many other days throughout the year!). Not because I regret anything. But because that baby was once mine. And I spent every day of 9 months with him. It will always be an emotional day. Allow yourself to mourn. Let yourself cry. It's totally ok! But just remember, you did it for HER!

  5. my daughter's birthday is in sept. and too many times i just want to say wake me up when sept. ends. her birthdays are so hard. i relive it all and usually hold it together until the evening. i don't know how it will be this year because this is the first year that i have had contact with her.