Monday, March 30, 2009

Giving Up?

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of just waiting around for something that will never come around. I should've expected this to happen. I don't understand how one guy can get your hopes up to completely crush them. But it's back in the same old pattern, where I'm stuck.
Maybe I'm speaking too soon. First he says he wants to help and be there. Then he'll stop returning my calls. I called him yesterday and left a message and nothing. He might as well just save me and our baby the heartbreak and just go and get out of our lives.
But I know he doesn't have the will power to do it. And at the same time I think he won't give up his rights already is because he's scared. Because he already loves and cares for this baby, he doesn't want to get attached. Believe me, before we broke up, he told me that he wouldn't care if he had a baby right now and how much he thought he was ready to be a father. Probably just emotionally though. I think secretly, deep down he wants to be the father. But he's scared what everyone will think of him. He's scared he's not good enough.
So as I'm waiting for him not to be scared, he gives me a slight hope he's coming around. But it's just a tape he keeps rewinding and playing on repeat. The same scene over and over. And I don't know how much more I can handle. I'll believe that he's ready to come around when I see it happening. Right now, I'm seeing nothing.

I was supposed to go to my extern today but I threw up this morning. Yesterday was hard for me to eat. And I still haven't eaten a lot today. I don't know what is with having a random loss of appetite. Maybe just stress? That's probably it.

Is it okay for me to just cry and feel sorry for myself? I don't want pity from others. I like to hide that nothing is bothering me. But there are things that pull on my heart that bring me above the surface. I don't want pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Most of the time, they do for my situation. Or they feel sorry for me for being stupid for getting in this situation. That's always a good one.

But I've been doing the best I can to not get myself into the whole "pity me, my life sucks" mood. I've been thinking about adoption. And a family that might be good for my baby, if I choose adoption. I probably won't make a decision until N is involved and after my ultrasound. Either way, it will be hard.
The family doesn't know that they are a potential family. But they're pretty close to family. And I've thought, if I chose adoption and it was with them, I'd totally be okay. Because I know them and their family and would feel safe. And would probably be really excited about seeing my baby instead of dreading it.
I hate thinking about it though. That's the time I want to crawl up in a corner and cry. I used to be able to call him and talk with him about my problems. But he won't ever pick up the phone. I was looking online the other day at the LDS family services website and reading this for him. And I had the sudden urge to call him. I called to see if he would answer or call back. Nothing. Maybe I'm being too needy or scaring him. I tend to do that to people. Blah.

Well, on a lighter note. I have my 16 week appointment on April 8th. And then on May 5th I have my ultrasound! It's coming right up! I really would like a boy. I don't know. I'm weird. But if I had a girl, I would name her Olivia Nicole. I also like the name Kenady for a girl.
I have thought of a few names for boys. Maybe I'll make a poll like my sister did, later on, after I find out the sex, of course. But I like the names: Oliver, Brody, McAllister (Mac for short), Aiden, Gavin, and Beau. His middle name would be N after his daddy.

That reminds me, I tried writing a journal for my baby. All my thoughts and stuff. And that has not been working out at all day. Maybe one day I'll just transfer my journal to here. Because I'm sure I'd be more likely to just type this and print it out. Because I have no time to sit down and write a novel. And I spend more time on the computer.

Anyway, Uh, here's a picture of me and my sister Erika. She's about 5 weeks ahead of me, making her 20 weeks along. She's having a little boy. :] And she has two little girls.

Erika: 19 weeks. Me: 14 weeks.
By the way, all through high school I got made fun of because I have no butt. So feel free to comment about my fullish looking butt here, in a non-sexual way. Just tell me it looks good, so I feel good! HA. Just kidding.

I like to laugh. So watch the old people :]

Don't judge my journey unless you've walked my path.


  1. I'm sorry Nic is being a jerk. I hope that he at least goes to the ultrasound with you. And it's totally ok to cry and feel sorry for yourself. Pregnancy makes you extra emotional anyway. But what you are dealing with is HARD and it's ok to feel that. (((hugs))) BTW, that's a CUTE pic of us. You must email it to me.

  2. oh, btw, nice round tush... I'm glad my shirt covered my flat one...

  3. sweetie saw that picture and said "defanie"

  4. Yessssssss. :] She knows me. She likes me because I read books to her. Then she started hating me towards the end. Probably because the night I babysat she had to go to bed.

  5. That's a nice butt you got there Stef.. couldn't help but notice it, being so nice and there.. and everything? Lol.....

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