Day 3: Olivia 6 Months Old

So a lot of people have been asking me about Olivia being sealed to Dustinn and Valery. How I feel about it. Being sealed is a sacred ordinance in the LDS Church that happens in the temple. Being sealed means that she will be with them as an eternal family. That their relationship as father/mother/daughter will move on in the next life after they pass. You know, "Until Death Do You Part?" How awesome is it that we now have this knowledge in our Church that we don't have to be afraid of that? That we can be sealed to our husband/wife. Mother/father. Son/daughter. Sister/brother. We can be with them FOREVER.

The temple and that specific ordinance has been a big testimony builder for me. I always knew growing up that I needed to be sealed in the temple to be able to be with my husband forever. I guess I was just never taught how I need to live my life in order to have that. I know that it should be common sense. But I believe that a lot of the topics are hush, hush. That sex before marriage shouldn't happen. That it's meant for inside the bonds of marriage. I didn't understand that WHY it should only be that. I feel if I knew why then I would appreciate that time. Now, Tayler obviously knows he's not the first boy that's going to see me naked on my wedding night. And that hurts. But I know through the atonement and repentance, I'm able to return to purity and that it'll be a special night and that we waited for that moment to give that special part of ourselves to each other.

You remember this post? And how upset I was? I'll go into a little bit more depth since I'm now engaged. I was sort of waiting on that. Usually the finalization in adoption happens when the baby is 6 months old. D&V were told that they could possibly have to wait 8 months to a year because of the Virginia agency.

Well, the e-mailed me saying that they would update me and let me know about being sealed and the finalization because they were thinking it was going to happen in March when Olivia was 6 months old. Then I found out from my bishop that I could be married in the temple in August. I was SO stoked to tell D&V that. And to actually be able to be at the sealing. I'm not sure a lot of birth moms would be able to say that they were there. I think it'd be a neat experience.

I'm not too upset over it at the moment. You know, this is what I wanted for Olivia. For her to have a family who has an actual dad who is COMMITTED to being her dad. And not this wishy washy-I don't know if I'm going to be there- I'll fight for custody if you parent her- guy. And a stay at home mom. I wouldn't have been able to do that. I mean, the birth father, if he wasn't committed to me, what makes you think he'd be committed to child support, or even to his own child. I know that sounds rude of me. But let's be honest. Well, I always am.

Anyway, in the e-mail they said they would update me. And then I got on their blog and how they were excited to have the adoption finalized and being sealed in March. It KILLED me inside. I was thinking, "This is your way of updating me?"

I really don't meant to bring this up to arise old feelings. I'm over it. Honestly. It was a lot of just misunderstanding. The adoption finalizing with the courts and the sealing are TWO different things. I associated them as the same thing. Val had written the post before she found out about me being able to go to the temple in August. That they really WERE thinking about waiting for the sealing to be done.

More about the "Killed me inside" part. I was going to include. That a part of me sort of died when placing Olivia. I definitely felt like I failed as a mother. That legally she wasn't mine anymore. Now, I have no idea how I'll react to her being sealed to another woman who is supposed to be her mother. Will another part of me die? Will I also feel like I failed then that I couldn't have just given Olivia that in the first place if I just waited until I was married in the temple? But I know I had to gain a lot of testimony of temples and knowing that's what I needed to do when I was pregnant with Olivia and after placement. I think if I didn't have her, I'd probably would still be living my life without the gospel in it. Not really caring about the temple. Sadly, something that dramatic had to change me and had to push me in the right direction. But I've been the most happy being at Church and at Institute. And hopefully soon being able to go through the Temple.

The conclusion has come to. They are going to wait. They are hoping for July 24th, their family will be out here. And I hope I'll receive my endowments by then. Tayler and I are looking at August 7. So July 24 is two weeks before. You know, I feel good about it. I always have. I think what upset me before was the way that I found out... or got confused about finding out. It wouldn't have bothered me if it was straight out said that they didn't want me there. But they didn't say that. They said they'll update me. I guess I'm saying to other couples. If you're thinking of doing something that's pretty serious. Let the birth mom know before the whole world knows. We want to feel like we're significant enough to be in your life and you ARE grateful.

Val texted me today and asked me how I was doing because it was the 6 month mark and that sometimes those month marks could be hard. 6 months is a HUGE milestone I think.

I told her I was doing fine and that it's just crazy that half a year has gone by.

She said, "Definitely crazy. Thank you for these 6 months. :)"

Totally sweet right? What birth mom doesn't want to hear thank you for giving us this little life that has completed our family? Without you we wouldn't be complete. Yeah. Total cheese. But it's that stuff that melts our hearts and we know our babies are in perfect hands.

What I'm trying to get at here. Olivia is going to be sealed who she's supposed to be sealed to. I'm going to be sealed to who I'm supposed to be sealed to. The whole point of placing her for adoption is so Olivia can be reunited with her family by the sealing power of the temple. I don't know if I could live with myself if I denied that special blessing to her.

P.S. This is the birth of my blog. A year ago today. Crazy right? A year ago today I was 3 months pregnant.