It's been brought to my attention that I have a tendency of pushing people away. It's not on purpose. It might just be a defense mechanism of mine. To not let anybody close to me be near me. I don't want them near so they can't hurt me.
Before Jessica's passing, that's what I did. I pushed her away. Maybe a part of me was just wanting to be with my fiance. It was almost a year since I hadn't had a boyfriend. It was nice getting that attention and once she was near, I almost was afraid of what she'd say. About me, about Tayler, about whatever. And since I didn't want to hear it. I pushed it away. What kind of friend am I? Not a very good one.
I pushed people away when they needed me most. Jessica would call me and tell me that she needed help. And what did I do? I ignored it. Which led to us fighting and not talking. And I think I've done that to a few people recently. I've been dwelling so much on the past, so much on the death of a best friend and trying to make things right. I haven't tried to dwell on the living and make things right with them.
I'm sorry to those that I have hurt during this time. For I have been selfish. I have been wanting to get away. And last night, was a reality that I can't ever get away from life. I thought getting away from Utah for a little bit and not really having to deal with thinking about Jessica would help me. Every place that I walked by or drove by- we went there, every road I drove on- we drove on together. I thought the one place she wouldn't get me- she got me. When you're physically away from it all, it doesn't mean that emotionally it's gone.
I dreamed about Jessica last night. Her mom was in my dream as well. I don't exactly remember all details. But it's enough for me to realize that I can't just forget. That reality will sink in that she really is gone. It's been 3 weeks since her passing and there is a part of me that still believes that she's here. She's laughing down the hallways in my house. She's leaving me texts to wake up to. She's calling me constantly to hang out. She's borrowing my shirt that I can't find. Maybe that's a part of her comforting me and saying that she's still here. Will this ever go away? But I'm scared about reality crashing down on me, do I want to feel like she's gone? How will I handle that?
I have mourned over her loss. I know that she's gone. I cried and cried. Recently, it's just been hard for me to even produce a tear. Every once in a while I'll get a few. But that's about it. Maybe I'm due for another breakdown. I'm just waiting for it to happen.
Maybe this is Jessica's way of helping me to live life as if she were still here. To be happy, go out with friends and be good friends to them like I should've been to her. I know I shouldn't think about what had happened. I know friends fight and they make up. But what do you do when that friend moves on and you can't make up now? You never really got to say sorry? I wrote Jessica a letter and it's buried with her. It has helped me to an extent.
This is what has brought me to my attention- a close friend wrote this,
We just don’t talk at all anymore, we don’t go on dates anymore, you got engaged and you’re off… Now just being non existent. You lost a close friend recently, and I’m sorry for that, but you’d think that losing one person like you did would make you be more involved with the people that tell you “Hey, I miss you. Can we please get together soon?”
Mmm. Just anything really."
I hate admitting that I'm wrong. But I'll own up to this. I really haven't been a good friend to those around me. I've probably been a flake or bailing on you. It's not that I don't want to see you. I guess, I feel it might be easier not to be so close to people because if I lose them too, I won't hurt as much.
This is just how I feel. My blog is my thoughts and feelings. I'm not writing for you or for anyone. I'm writing for myself.
I'm going to try my hardest to be a better person. To be there for you, for anyone whenever they need it. With what has happened to Jessica, it has made me more aware of others. To help them out as much as they want me to help them. To be there when they need someone to be there. If I could've been there for Jessica, she could still be here. I'm not going to sit here and say, "should've, could've, would've." I'm going to say I'm here right now, today, whenever you need me in the future. I'll be waiting for you. I'll even reach out to you. You just have to let me in.
I don't know what it's going to take for me to move on. Maybe just time. Or helping others, it's something Jessica would've done. When that time to move on is time spent on helping others. I just don't want ya'll to feel like a charity case. I want to be a friend to you. As I have been for you in the past. Let me continue being your friend and helping you when you need it.
P.S. I love this post that a friend of Lisa's (Jessica's mom) wrote about Jessica's passing. Beautiful. :)