Friday, January 21, 2011

Eggo is NOT Preggo.

2 years have passed since that "unholy plus sign" had graced it's presence in my life.

But looking back at 2 years from today, I didn't think I would make this far. Yes, eventually I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. Eventually, that plus sign was going to be a baby. And yes, that meant I had to make a decision for that baby. 2 years have passed and I've dodged that bittersweet bullet or drank the wrong glass of "water" and not pregnant again. 2 years in a row (yay?).

For those of you who don't know my lovely story, I'll share it with you what it was like 2 years ago, today.

January 21, 2009 was a normal day to me. Nothing new except some allergic reaction on my legs had resurfaced a few days before. And 11 days before that, my boyfriend had broken up with me. At the time, I was moving on, I knew at some point I was going to have to return all of his CD's, movies and clothes that were in the backseat of my car and being the desperate, broken-hearted 18 year old that thought had found true love- needed to find something to hold on to.

I drove to the doctors to see what was wrong with me this time. Around Christmas, I started getting sick and ended up getting a sinus infection and I was taking antibiotics for it. Only to find out I was allergic to my antibiotics and was taking some for those. And for those of you who don't know, birth control and antibiotics cancel each other out and could result in a pregnancy. I did not know that bit of information. 

The doctor asked me the usual questions and then asked me if I had missed my cycle. I had to think back when I had it last and when I should be having it. I am very regular and knew that I would have it every 28 days. And I realized that it had been passed 28 days. Not by much, possibly a week. I had a little bit of a sinking feeling but I denied that I was pregnant. The doctor asked me to take a test just in case. To this day, I had never seen a positive pregnancy test for myself. I didn't see it when the doctor did it. The only time I knew was when the doctor walked into the room, which seemed like an eternity for him to tell me the results and he told me, "It looks to me, your test is pretty positive." 

Pretty positive??! Like I could be pregnant or I couldn't be pregnant? What are you trying to say? Well, when it's positive, it's positive. I'm expecting. The only time that I knew for a fact that I was pregnant is when they took a blood test after my "pretty positive" urine test and they printed out a piece of paper with the levels of pregnancy hormones and to come back next week to do another one to see if I was going to "stay pregnant." From what the paper told me I was about 5-7 weeks pregnant.

I didn't have a test to show anyone, I had a little piece of paper that said I was pregnant. It was in my blood so it proves it, apparently. I couldn't even cry at the doctor's office. I had cried so much the 11 days before that my body couldn't even produce any sort of saline. I had to force my tears and tell him that my boyfriend broke up with me and I had no idea what I was going to do. He asked if it was a possibility if we were going to get back together. I said, "We'll see." I cried only so the doctor saw that I had some sort of emotion that I wasn't an emotionless freak. 

The first person I told? My mom. Over a text message. She asked me how I felt and all I texted back was, "Scared." Scared right? Most people are ecstatic to find out their expecting. Not me. I didn't know what to do. I was going to have to raise a baby, possibly on my own. Find a place to live or hide out in my parents basement. First, I needed to figure out if I had to do everything on my own.

I called N and told him that I needed to talk to him in person (and return all of his stuff). I told my dad in person and asked me if N and I were planning on getting married. I told him that I hadn't told him yet. I called my sisters the next morning and just went down the line (Oh, how I love having 5 sisters). One of my sisters was on a mission and found out via e-mail.  I have amazing parents who were so supportive through everything. They told me that they would support me whichever choice, I made.

I believe, on the 23rd, I went to N's parents house and gave him stuff and pulled him aside in another room and said I had to tell him something. I looked around the room and sort of soaked in my nervous atmosphere to gain composure. I was scared to death about his reaction. I didn't know if he would be angry (he's not a very angry person), I didn't know if he would cry (I had never seen him cry after 7 months of knowing him), or if he'd be happy. I (probably) whispered, "Just so you know, I'm pregnant." N said, "I kind of figured from the phone call." He asked me if I was sure. Who knows if I even knew. It was on a disposable piece of paper and ink for all I knew. I could've thrown it away and said nope. I'm sure some people wonder why I even told him, in the beginning. I never though that Nic would threaten my life or if we had children that they would be harmed. So what was the harm of telling him now? He was going to be a father, I thought it was pretty common courteous to let them know what's up. I remember N telling me when we were dating that he thought he was ready to be a father and that it'd be cool to be a dad. I know that N has always loved kids from the way he played with his nieces and nephews. And I knew that I wanted to marry someone who loved kids as much as he did. He did have to ask me if I was sure because apparently, he's had a pregnancy scare more than once with a few of his ex's so they could get back together. If only that was the true case, right? PFFT.

I know N and I had A LOT to think about in what I felt like was a very short amount of time. I'm not here to tell the whole story since you all probably know and have followed through this journey and I'm truly grateful for you guys that have continued reading. The past two years have been the scariest, craziest, awesome, out of control, spiritual, exhilarating, saddest, happiest years of my life. But not for one minute have I ever regretted it. Sure, adoption (or people associated with it) have given me plenty of reasons to regret my decision but I never have and never will. It hasn't just blessed the lives of the family that received my little bundle of joy in their life, it has blessed my life as well. I could never take this experience for granted. I've found someone who is completely AMAZING and loves children as much as I do. It's like a sleep over every night with this guy, just lay in bed and imagine and talk about our future kids. What their names will be, what traits of ours they will get- that's the way I always imagined it would be having my first and now I FINALLY get to experience that and I'm SO happy. I know things don't happen they way we expect or the way we would like the outcome but you can't help but be grateful for what you have. I know I never expected two years ago, I was going to have a positive pregnancy test but it happened and I know my little girl is meant to be with who she's supposed to be with and I couldn't be happier for them. :)

If there ever comes a time that I need a break and take a step back or feel completely overwhelmed with my involvement with adoption or in Olivia's life, it has nothing to do with the fact that I regret it or that I never loved Olivia in the first place. I will never stop loving her.

January 21, 2009 started out as a normal day but since then is the most significant day of my life. The day that I did find my true love. The minute I knew I was in love with her is that stinking piece of paper. That piece of paper told me that my life was going to change and it was going to change BIG TIME. I loved my belly getting bigger and bigger, it was creating life, a new chance, a new beginning and I was apart of that; I was also apart of helping create an eternal family. I had never thought something that simple, at the time, would be the greatest journey of my life.
Olivia's existence, saved me. "We were both born that day."

I love this song by Pink.
I'm using the Radio Edit because the song is called, "F***in' Perfect" and says it in the song a few times.
I'm saving your ears. ;)
But it's one of those songs that sums up while I was pregnant what I would tell Olivia when she's older or hates that she's adopted or had been made fun for it that day. The first verse reminds me of what I did prior to being pregnant or while I was pregnant but I made it through, anyone can.

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Always second guessing
Look, I'm still around...

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You are perfect to me

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
So complicated
Look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred

Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
See you same

You are perfect to me
The world stares while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold diet*
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they're everywhere
They don't like my genes, they don't get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing you are perfect, to me
You're perfect
You're perfect
Pretty, pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you're nothing you are perfect to me


  1. You truly are one of the strongest most selfless people that I "know". You gave 3 people a chance at life--Olivia and her 2 loving parents. You amaze me and are such an example to me. I love reading your blog so thank you for posting as often as you do.

  2. I just found your blog via Que & Britt's. I wanted to tell you how much your guest post meant to me. I loved when you said, "I’d rather my pain give Olivia all the happiness in the world and I could never regret that. Ever." Wow. What an example of selflessness. Thank you for sharing your feelings with others. I am so touched by your example.

  3. This is a great post.

    (Sidenote: It's crazy that the image at the top of this post and the "Abortion and Adoption" post of the girl hugging herself both very much resemble you.)

    I loved the line "it's like a sleepover every night. Laying in bed and talking." So sweet.

    It's very true. You've had so many HUGE happenings the last 2 years. It's awesome to think of all the wonderful things the next 2 will hold.

  4. You are a girl well beyond your years!! I LOVE reading your posts, very well thought out and well written. You are a great example and inspiration to many and I am so glad you have chosen to share your story the way you have.

  5. What a great post and a wonderful, selfless decision you made! My husband and I are less than six weeks from meeting our baby girl...we are doing a private, open adoption. :) Best wishes and many prayers for you and your loved ones!