4. Dread.

It's this time of year that I had possibly thought about but never put into much consideration that it'd actual be here. It sounds silly, because time will move forward whether we like it to or not. It's the time that every single (pregnant) girl that I knew in group last year, their babies are turning a year old. And in 22 days, that will be my little one turning a year old.

As, you're reading this, I'm packing my stuff to move out. Another big step for me that has to happen. All these emotions surface for me. It's anticipation and excitement. The same reaction I have when people ask me about Olivia's 1st birthday. But there is one emotion that comes first before the other ones. Only for a second. Dread. The fear of the unknown. Kind of like how I'm feeling about moving out. I may be loving every minute of it on the outside. But the inside, it's tearing me up. I'm literally picking my things up and moving on to a new life. So much responsibility but I'm excited to share it with someone that I love, deeply.

Will it always be this way, around this time each year? Will I dread her birthday? Will flashbacks of that day of the hospital always stop me in my tracks and bring me to tears? I know everyday isn't like this. And it's been awhile that I've actually dreaded something. But I do. I'm sure I've said it a million times but I'm sure, the day of I'll be completely fine. But what if this is the one time I spin out of control?

I'm sure I've daydreamed from time to time about Olivia's first birthday. Everything in pink and decorated with princesses, crowns, feathers and fur. Videotaping her as she gets cake all over her face. Watch her run around and play with other kids... when I thought she was going to be mine.

I don't have control of that. I don't get to pick out her birthday outfit for her. I don't get to decorate her birthday cake. Her birthday is the day before my wedding and Val is flying out here. We're all planning on celebrating together. I'm sure things may not have changed much if I chose a different plan. Each side of Olivia's family would be there. Celebrating along with us.

But I don't know if it's because it's the first year that it might just be tough right now. But when I see her that day. I just want to pick her up and sit her down on my lap. Maybe cradle her. Tell her how one year ago that day is the day that she was in my tummy. Everyone was anxiously awaiting her arrival. She was the center of everyones attention and when she was born, we all gasped and cried at her beauty. We all wanted to take turns holding her, kissing her and loving her. Will I get to hold her again at 9:36 PM on September 23? Is it possible to just turn back time for that one whole minute? This past year has changed me. I read back and realize that I was naive. I was probably wrong on a lot of things. I'm sure I'm still wrong about a lot of things. And I'm sure I'm still naive.

I'm sure I'm being dramatic. I'm sure I won't dread every year.

But this is just another reminder. One more year, that she's not mine.

Being my daughter. Being her mommy. Like I was the day that she was placed on my chest and crying her cute eyes out. Holding her and feeding her. I wish I would've known things will never be the same after that.

I know what I was choosing and I knew my consequences. But sometimes it just hurts. I wish someone would tell me it's okay to cry about it and feel this way. I know I have friends who have been there but it's hard because I want to appear strong and maybe believe I can do this on my own. But I just can't sometimes. Sometimes I do need to just pray that everything will be okay. God is my number one comforter. He has been there every step of the way.

I'm sure my arms will ache for her every year. Will I always go back to that day at the hospital? Will I always be remembered what it was like not to have empty arms? To not have that little life reach her arms out to me and call me, "mommy?" My life changed forever that day. I never want to dread or regret it. I don't regret it. But, possibly for now, or today, I'll dread it. You'll never know what tomorrow has in store for you.

Like I said in the beginning, this is another big step that has to happen for me. I had to pick Olivia up and place her in the arms of her new mom. Us, three, had to move on and start new lives. Olivia, Val's daughter. Val, Olivia's mom. Um. For some reason that just really struck a chord for me. They have each other. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be in this picture. They have each other now. I'm lucky to be included in anything at all for her birthday. I'm grateful for it. I know I had to move on and find who I was after Olivia. I had to move on and take the title as her birthmom. I had to move on and find my soulmate. Maybe I feel guilty at this part. That I'm moving on without her in my life.Will she hate me for it? Will she understand the sacrifice that it always has been? I remember sitting with Nic in the hospital room before placement. We're holding her and crying. We talk about our hopes and dreams for her. I want her to know that even if I moved on without her that it was the hardest thing that I've had to do. I want her to know at the times that she may be angry with me that I did this for her, just know that there were plenty of times that I was angry with myself. I just hope she lives her life happily, she understands everything and doesn't think she was a mistake. So many people wanted you here, more than you know. I know their life as a family has started. I know my new life is just barely starting. It's the fear of the unknown, that I dread.

On a happy note, my last post. I posted later about my groomal pictures. If you'd like to see them. Go to my photog's blog.

Now you're going to listen to some Daughtry. This song brings me back to last September. Every time.

5. Peekchas

This adorable baby is not yours, truly. It is indeed my future husband as an infant. My older sister, Erika is doing a photo montage for our wedding and I get to scan the cute/embarrassing childhood pictures of Tayler. :)

I'm moving out tomorrow! I would just like you to know. We practically have NOTHING. haha. We have a desk and chairs. No table, no bed, no couch. I will most likely be sleeping on an air matress. I'm just that cool.

Enjoy our groomals that my photog posted. Best. Ever.

7-6. Procrastinating.

This is the reason for my procrastination:
<3

8. Nicklecade

I had so much fun at my bridal shower :) Thank you for everyone that came! I don't have any pictures because they're all on my mom's camera.

But afterwards, I had to go to Allyse's Bridal and add a bustle to my dress. Then I went to Chili's and Nicklecade with my friends Mccall and Mandy.

With Mccall's winnings she got a tramp stamp.

With my winnings I got a sweet pimp hat

and some dice for my ghettolicious car.

Look at that foxy lady ^^^

3 Amigos.

9. Another Late Night

I seriously just got home from work. And yes, my bridal shower is in 10 hours. Woo hoo! Before work I went to the eye doctor and I'm getting glasses! Only for driving. I can't see from far away. I know. I bet you feel really safe on the roads now, knowing that I'm driving pretty much blind. Just kidding. I'm not that blind.

I rock the nerd look.

For my bridal shower, I'm making a video slide show of pictures of me and Tayler. I made it for his birthday in June. So I'm just adding on our engagements. Lets pray the DVD will work.

My photographer is being a tease. ;) She posted one picture of my bridals. She sent me a preview of all the rest and is sending me a CD. She's seriously AWESOME. I LOOOOOOVE and ADORE the pictures. It makes me so excited to be married already!

Since it's 1. 4 days until I move into mine & T's apartment. A place to call our own. :) He's still in Idaho and he'll move in when we're married. I can't wait. Oh bliss.

10. Birthmomma Drama.

Here's been today's topic. In your opinion, in the above picture, who is Olivia's mom?

Am I her mom because I gave her life? Is Val her mom because she is raising her? I don't consider myself a mom. I do believe I am a BIRTHmom. I am going to pull some bits and pieces of blogs that I have read today. 3 of them, exactly, all about being a mother.

One perspective of an adoptive mom, Mary.

Two perspectives of birthmoms, Birthmom Buds and Sterling.

When first reading the title, "Am I A Mother?" on Birthmom Buds. I really thought about it. I get it. I gave birth but is that some sort of rite of passage? I somehow now have the "ins" of being a good mom. Now, I can compete with other women who has had the longest and most horrible labors, who had to push for the longest and who had to get the most stitches. I don't think that's what a mother is ALL about. I think the whole experience of bringing a child into this world is what's important. It's a role that we have but not all of us get to have that role of bearing children.

On Birthmom Buds it says:

"I looked up the definition of Mother

'The state of being a mother; the character or office of a mother.'

I found that definition extremely vague and unhelpful. Because I am currently not in the state of being a mother. I currently do not have a child. But I guess I could be the character of a mother..but that to me still doesn't seem right. Yes, I gave birth to one heck of a beautiful little girl (if I do say so myself :) and yes I am a character, but I am not her mother. I am a birthmother.

I looked up the definition of Birth Mother

'The biological mother of a child; a person's mother related biologically rather than by adoption'

Well this could be a lot of people then. My mom would be a birthmother and she didn't place for adoption, so could my aunts, my neighbors and friends.

So all of this searching did not lead me to any answer. In fact it has frustrated me quite a bit. So I want to know.... What is your opinion.

Are birthmothers : Mothers, Birthmothers, or just girls who placed their baby for adoption."

For me, personally. Birthmothers aren't JUST the girls who place their babies for adoption. But I don't call my mom, birthmom. But she gave birth to me, I still call her mom. I don't call my neighbor, birthmom (even though she could be one), she possibly gave birth but I still call them my neighbor or friend. I think the term birthmom, is almost directly towards the women who have placed their children for adoption. Because it is our identity. It is apart of who we are. At one point, it has defined us. In group, we talked about how adoption is part of our identity. It may be for a time a big part of our lives. And I have definitely seen in my own personal experience, that in time, I have just moved on. I still carry that identity with me everyday, but I don't make a t-shirt that says, "I'm a birthmom. Talk to me."

That's just my personal opinion on the matter.

On Mary's blog, this is what she has to say,

"Why I call my child's birthmother her birthmother:

Because she gave birth to her.

Seems simple enough, right? Apparently not.

Evidently there is a bit of controversy in the adoption world surrounding the nomenclature of women who give birth to children and place them for adoption. Perhaps I was too naive or idealistic before I adopted for thinking 'Why would something as beautiful as creating families through adoption be considered controversial?'

If you don't think adoption is full of controversy, you will quickly discover it certainly is once you've started the adoption process, adopted, or placed a child for adoption. Better yet, start publicly writing about your experiences and you will most assuredly receive immediate criticism for your viewpoints and experiences- whatever those happen to be."

...

"What is most disturbing to me is that much of the condemnation heaped upon birthmothers is from other birthmothers who have been in their exact situation and whom you would hope would thus be filled with a greater amount of understanding and compassion.

Take, for instance, Jill's thoughts on the matter in her recent post Name Calling:

'One of the first things I noticed when I encountered adoption meanies on the interwebs was that many of the birth mom meanies consider the phrase "birth mom" to be the vilest of insults. One compared using it to using the N-word. And I thought, wow, really? Because I've never heard "birth mom" used as a put-down, an slam, an insult, a verbal weapon, or a dressing-down.'

'The meanies feel that calling a woman a birth mother is insulting, akin to referring to her as an incubator or a breeder. Again I think, really? The only names that would suggest to me that woman was an incubator or a breeder are ... well, incubator, and breeder.

The meanies would much rather be referred to as natural mothers, first mothers, or original mothers. All three of those make me a little uncomfortable. Because if I'm Roo's natural, first, original mother, what does that make Roo's mama? Unnatural? Second? Unoriginal - an impostor? Pshaw. I don't buy that for a second. Roo's mother is her real, natural, actual mother. I didn't place with a robot or a cardboard cutout.'

I've come to the conclusion that the birthmothers who are the most critical of adoption in general are those who placed their babies in an era where open adoptions weren't as prevalent as they are today and/or the agency they worked with used 'coercive tactics' (whatever that means) pressuring the prospective birthparent to place for adoption.

Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't the fact alone that a pregnant woman is consulting an adoption agency or looking at profiles of adoptive parents in the first place attest to the fact that she has thought out her options and is considering adoption? (Unless, of course, she has no free will in the matter and has been FORCED to place her child for adoption, a hypothetical and highly unethical situation). But whether the birthparent decides to place or parent their child IT IS THEIR CHOICE so can it really be considered coercive, manipulative or predatory for prospective adoptive parents to address the woman who is considering adoption as a "birthmother"? Is "prospective birthparent" better?

I've already shared my opinion: I Call My Child's Birthmother 'Birthmother' because she gave birth to her.

What are YOUR feelings on the matter? If you have placed your child for adoption do you find the terms 'birthfather' or 'birthmother' to be offensive?

If you are an adoptive parent , how do you refer to your child's biological parent(s)?

If you are adopted, what do you call the people who conceived you and gave you birth? "

I have already left my comment on there. And my opinion. I shared two sides of the story.

It was probably a few weeks after I placed. And you know, I was still getting used to transitioning from mom to birthmom. And I had posted pictures of Olivia on my facebook and I'm sure the captions were, "My beautiful 11 day old daughter" or "I love my daughter." An adoptee said to me, "I'm not sure if you should be calling her your daughter. She's not yours anymore."

You're right. I forgot I was supposed to lose all of my maternal instincts as soon as I dotted the i's on the signatures of my relinquishment papers. My bad. After a while and having to get used to that title and realizing that you know, Olivia isn't here with me everyday, I don't think I should be calling her my daughter. She doesn't call me mom. So she's my birthdaughter. Yes, all of my children will be considered my "birthchild." But I won't be calling them birthson or birthdaughter. They will be my son and daughter. And they'll be calling me mom, not birthmom. Does that make sense?

My second example. Oh Tayler. He might murder me. I had corrected him for calling me mom when he first met Olivia. In the beginning, he was always good about comforting me and being like, "you're still her mom." Something about that phrase almost rubs me the wrong way. I don't know. Probably because I have nothing to say after that. When Tayler met Olivia back in January, I think he kept saying, "Olivia is so cute- like her mom." "Of course, she's sweet, just like her mom." I'm not exactly sure what was said. I'm sort of paraphrasing. I felt uncomfortable because I didn't know how Val would react to that. After Val and Dustinn had left. I told Tayler not to call me mom because Val is Olivia's mom. I'm her BIRTHmom. I think that was the first time for me to recognize that as well.

Val has sent me e-mails before. She has reassured me that I will always be Olivia's mom. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing it. But sometimes, it makes me cringe.

I'm going to steal what birthMOM wrote,

"While i was still pregnant i actually did have a problem with the word/label/name 'birthmom'. but not because of the 'birth' part. because of the 'mom' part. at the time, i felt like giving birth did not make me a 'mom', it made me a woman who had given birth. at the time i felt like what makes a mom are the things that come AFTER the birth, the sleepless nights, the bottles, the diapers, the bathing, the teaching, the nurturing, the sheltering, the protecting, etc. to me, THOSE were the things that make a woman a mom. not an act of simple biology. and i wasnt going to be doing those things, i wasnt going to be the 'mom' to this baby i was carrying.

i tried to come up with another word/label/name to call myself, the best was 'uterine storage vesicle', which was always only used with love and humor btwn me, my friends, and my family. (i always use humor and sarcasm is my middle name) i can totally understand how uterine storage vesicle would cause many to be offended and irate, but for me and my situation, it was hilariously perfect.

that label didnt stick however and i proudly entered the realm of 'birthmother' when i gave birth, and then took care of my son for 2 days and then did what any good mother would do- what i thought was the very best for my son.

then a couple of months later, at one of our post placement support group meetings, a bunch of us were talking about how i was almost literally to the day twice the age of one of the girls who was about to place. I was 28 at the time. my roommate, who was still pregnant and pursuing an adoption plan, said to me, 'you are like the mom of the birthmoms, taking care of all of us.' i started blogging right about then, so i chose my screen name to be birthMOM.

Now, i am proud to be a birthmother. and i always will be. i feel it sets me apart and above all the 'regular' mothers and i feel like it demands a sacred reverence to utter. but just like anything that has ever been sacred and/or reverent, it is a word/label/name that has been completely degraded, disrespected and forever tarnished. yin and yang, good and evil, hot and cold, up and down. there is always opposition, in everything. what matters, is what YOU choose to make of it."

I'm going to reiterate the part where she talks about what a mother is AFTER birth. My definition of mom, is somebody who reads you bedtime stories, who kisses your boo-boos better, who makes you crazy if you're out past curfew, who stays up with you when you have your first major heartbreak, etc. I'm not going to be that to Olivia. I can't be the one who helps her with her homework every night, who makes her after school snacks. I'm the woman in the background. What a girl said tonight in group is, "Everyone gets the joy from my pain." With my whole entire soul, I wish I could be that mom for Olivia. Instead, I'm going to be the one in the background of the pictures. Or what I like better is, I'm the one standing on the sidelines cheering her on.

I gave Olivia life. I gave her Val to be her mom. I gave Dustinn to be her dad. I gave Bradshaw to be her brother. I gave her a forever family. I sacrificed a whole heck of a lot to give her that. A little recognition would suffice. The title, "birthmom" is not degrading, insulting, or mocking. It shows courage, strength, and love.

"(S)He is mine in a way that (s)he will never be hers, yet (s)he is hers in a way that (s)he will never be mine........and so together, we are motherhood."

-Desha Wood

I love Sterling's blog as she reiterates the principles of the Gospel and what we believe in and I love what she said at the end.

"Birth is the science. Mother is the emotion. Birthmother is... love."

11. Work

I worked. And did half of this board. We had to add new stuff and I really do have decent handwriting. It's just the fake nails that I have that make my handwriting... awesome. Yep. This is the picture and the update you get today, suckas. I got nothin.

12. One Month.

Yep. One month today that I get to be married to the love of my life. :)

Hands down. I have the best almost husband ever. Example #495398:

He sent me FLOWERS :)

My favorite.

Totally our wedding colors too (the flowers, not the vase)

I love the orange one!

The little card said,

"I love you so much. One more month! I hope you like it. I miss you and love you very much. Love, Tayler"

My MOH is coming over tonight to help address some envelopes.

Our wedding announcement will be coming to a mailbox near you

:)

13. Eleven Months.

Olivia is 11 months old today!

This is what she looked like about a year ago (via the womb)

Here she is today :)

So much cuter outside of the womb ;)

I love you, little miss.

I miss you and can't wait to see you soon!

Happy 11 months!

This year has just FLOWN by. I can't believe I'll be saying I have a one year old next month.

15-14. Learning to Forgive.

Hey. I am a slacker. Saturday morning, my mom and I went to find wedding favors and found the perfect ones. :) Then I worked an 11-9 shift. Then right after me and Emmalee saw "The Switch" together. Super precious romcom. I told Tayler that in the whole movie I saw him as Jason Bateman. The dad part of him. Not so much the "realist" part of him. haha. Tayler is always looking at the better side of things. The grass is always greener ya know?


Well. I guess I need a venter blog. To finally just hold back the feelings of angry that I've had for what seems like a while. I wish I could just make this post private. I'm not going to name names. But I'm sure they'll guess themselves or close friends who I've talked to about this.

I guess I'll start off with group. Group was called, "Who You Are is Not What You've Done." It was also a class at the FSA conference this year presented by Martina Muir.

We talked about the grieving process and also about certain phases that we go through.

Phases during and after placement:

1. Panic Phase

2. Decision Phase

3. Strength Phase

4. Stand on your own Phase

5. Relapse or Thrive Phase (your choice)

I can tell you that I've been through every single one of those phases during my pregnancy.

My panic phase is finding out I was pregnant.
My decision phase was finding out for myself if I wanted to parent or place. (Around the same time I found out the gender)
My strength phase was going through with the decision to place. (I sent out a little package announcing to Dustinn and Val about their baby girl)
My Stand on my Own phase would probably be inbetween after telling them and placement.
My thrive phase. I have chosen to not go back into old habits and move on. I have been to presentations and told my story and talked about to make my lips numb. But I could shout it from the rooftops because I feel that telling my story, shows the love I have for my daughter and I don't want people to question that I never did.

I still continue going through that phase after placement.

My panic phase is going through labor and delivery.
My decision phase is to go through with the placement.
My strength phase is signing papers.
My stand on my own phase is going home.
I went through a relapse phase getting home and going through a panic phase when going to bed and sleeping by myself and not with my daughter.

As I continue going through the grieving process and other things. I can see these little phases inbetween. While grieving, I have definitely seen that I will remember certain things that happened last year. I definitely hear myself saying a lot of the time, "This time last year I was..." I remember every little date, every little anniversary. I remember the day Nic broke up with me. I remember the day that I found out I was pregnant. I remember the day telling him. I remember the day(s) asking for his help. I remember the doctors appointments. I remember hearing the heart beat. I remember feeling Olivia kick. I remember making an adoption plan. I remember the ultrasound date. I remember sending off the package. I remember going to Virginia for a week. I remember going to Olive Garden where Nic and D&V met for the first time. I remember Nic having a freak out and having to go to LDS Famservices. I remember Nic apologizing to me. I remember Nic feeling Olivia kick for the first time. I remember the day little miss Olivia came into the world. All of it. Everyday. It's a trigger for me. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry because I feel so overwhelmed by those days. It's like I'm going through them all over again.

Now. How that it's affecting me. Tayler and I have probably been in numerous conversations about a certain person lately. Probably because of same major events that have occured. I didn't care in the beginning. But over time, it has slowly just made me angry. Just one thing.

I'm baby hungry. If anyone knows me and is around me. I will talk about each darling baby that we pass by. Tayler and I will not be having kids for a while. But babies are my weakness. Probably just because I miss my little baby.

But something about this and finding out made me really mad. It was unfair to me. Blah. These are the thoughts that went through my head. I don't understand that she gets to keep her baby and I didn't. I'm glad that you could commit to her and not me. What made ME such a bad person to be with? Why was I not good enough? As much as I wish that it didn't effect me. It did. I say did. Because I don't care anymore. It's their life. I'm about to start my own life with someone AMAZING and I don't need to look back on the past and the "what if's" and the "could've been's." It all worked out the way it was supposed to. I don't think I could've been as happy if it worked out the way I wanted it to in the beginning. And trust me. I think both of us moving on has made us the happiest that we could be. Or maybe even more.

I don't hate them. I don't desire a friendship with them either. I just respect them. I was nervous. I may have been awkward but I'm over it. I'm sure I'll still have my days and I'll be angry. But I'm dealing with it and I'm still trying to forgive him. It's not that I haven't moved on. I have. It's forgiving that is the hardest part.

I don't want anyone to say that, "It turned out for the better." Maybe I like to vent and want you to agree with me. Not remind me. That phrase in general, makes me even more mad. I know everything turned out for "the better." But how do YOU exactly know that everything turned out for the better? Are you the expert in MY life? Thanks for telling me that it's better that my child is with another family. Or that I am a failure and always have been and that I would've been incapable of raising my child. You may not think that's what you're saying. But that's how I'm taking it. Please be a little bit more sensitive when throwing around that phrase to people.
I don't tell you when you're going through a hard time. i.e. Your grandmother passed away. I don't say, "Well. We all know she's in a better place." Um. No. You want to be upset and grieve that she's gone. I'm sure you'll find peace knowing that. But there are days that you wish she wasn't gone. Am I right?

Points to Remember:

• Know that our actions do not define our worth nor do they define the worth of others.
• Take time to discover 'who we are' as a child of God. Try to see yourself the way He does and earn to love yourself exactly the way you are (with all of your strengths, weaknesses, talents, gifts, challenges, physical appearance, and personality traits).
• Keep that vision in your m ind as you create goals, make choices, and live your life. If you do this, you will find a deeper desire to live in a way that is aligned with 'who you are.'
• Remember that the longest lasting change n your life will come from all of the smaller choices- the ones you make moment by moment. When you look back you will be amazed at how they really add up (even more than one large experience).
• When we (or someone you love) makes mistakes we need to comfort and support instead of condemning and/or criticizing. Show lots of love, kindness, and mercy.
• Build a relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. He loves you so very much and He knows how to strengthen and support you no matter what you are feeling. Turn to him and "Pray always that you may come off conqueror..." (D&C 10:5)

Please just bear with me while I am grieving or going through some certain phases. You may ask me how I'm doing it's not like I'm grieving everyday. I'm sure you'll get an earful if I am. Somehow blogging about it has taken some burden off my shoulders. Just as long as these individuals are willing to forgive me for being immature, selfish, and inconsiderate. They don't need to ever vocally ever have to say that they forgive me. I just hope someday in their hearts they will. Because I'm sorry. And I'm working hard in forgiving. It will take sometime. It's not anything that they have personally done. It's something that I'm working on.

6 days until my bridal shower :) I hope to see you there!
We're hopefully sending out our wedding invitations this week.
10 days until I move into mine and Tayler's apartment.

:)

16.

Andee got married today :)

Congrats Andee and Tyson!

17.

Baha. This post will be short but I got out of work today and to my right is my car. To the left is someone LOVING on my car. Too funny.

So. I went to post placement today for the first time in a while. And I apologize to all the girls that were there. I had a pretty angry word vomit. My blog is apart of me to vent. But there are certain things I would LOVE to vent about. But I'm sure I'll get, "Be happy. Things turned out for the better." Or I'd just get angry e-mails saying I can't say that. Funny how people tell me what I should write on my blog. The last time I checked, it was mine.

I didn't realize how much anger and resentment I have built up. I guess apart of me doesn't understand why I feel this way. I don't think it's normal. Should it be? Should I be angry? I'm sorry to those- but I do feel a little bit... off. Maybe it's stress? Maybe it's just another step in the grieving process? I can't seem to find the right words to say anymore.

Anger. Frustration. Confusion.

More tomorrow? We'll see.

Andee gets married tomorrow :) I'm SO excited for her! Congrats to her and Tyson!

P.S. I regret to inform. The blog below that I posted about the (birth)grandmother has gone private. :(

18. Blog Stalking.

Ha. Interesting from counting down that this is 18 on the 18th. Anyway. So what I love about having a blog is being able to read others blogs and learn from their perspective. And one that I have personally loved and probably cried my eyes out and really made me think about my experience with adoption was this blog here. It's a perspective of a (birth)grandmother. I put the ( ) around birth because her daughter is expecting and they're currently going through the process. They have chosen a family but trust me.

I still remember my hard days and just not wanting to deal with the adoption. When I read her blog, it helps me understand a little bit more of the grief of a grandmother. Or more of my mother when I was going through. I probably don't remember it correctly and my mom will correct me. I don't remember her being very vocal. I'm sure she'd give me counsel and guidance and what she thought. But it was never her thoughts and feelings.

I was probably really insensitive to girls who brought their moms to group and the moms seemed to be dealing with it harder than the girls who were actually going through it. And I didn't understand that. But after reading her blog, it has opened my eyes. Just reading it, the emotions are so real and so raw that I feel like I'm going through it all over again. And that I'm emotionally drained from just reading a post or two. You'll have to start reading her blog from the beginning.

Here is a picture of my mom with Olivia right before placement and the second one is from the last visit.

I called Val yesterday. For some reason it was a pretty tough day and I think I just wanted to hear Val's voice. I wanted to tell her what was going on. I think I had been pretty deprived of it even though I saw them for like 20 minutes a week ago. And I'll see them again at my wedding. I just think I needed to talk to somebody who is directly related to our situation. I can talk Tayler's ear off but I don't think I was getting the answers I needed. And Val always seems to comfort me.

My friend Emmalee met them last week and she was telling me that Dustinn and Val are like a breath of fresh air. Exact words. That they are so personable and geniune people and how she wishes that there were more people out there like them. Totally perfect for Olivia and Bradshaw? I think so. :) Their whole family is that way. Such sweet people. I love them!

Val and I got on the topic of the blog. And she pointed out about this letter that daughter had recieved from a lady in their ward who "surrendered" her baby 40 years ago and regrets it. She was telling her to parent her baby and that it'll only be hard for the first few years. Nice advice. One part of the letter I'm sure I just glanced over but Val caught on to it. And it's probably something I needed to hear and that's why I needed to talk to her. Val and I would talk everyday on the phone while I was pregnant. And the phone calls have just been less with everything going on in my life. Super busy. Oh my heck. I tear up just thinking about what she said. This is the part of the letter,

"Once your daughter is placed in that other home she will be their family. You will not have the role or the right to be recognized as her flesh and blood."

Val said to me, "That totally isn't true in our home. Olivia knows. I know she's little and doesn't really understand it now. But she will always know. She's known since the day she was born where she comes from and why she's here. Not a day goes by that we don't tell her that."

Dustinn and Val are seriously the greatest people ever. And the biggest answers to my prayers. Even now. My journey isn't over. I wrote a blog about fears and how we fear our child won't know who we are or why we did what we did. They are the calm in my chaotic storm of life.

(And I know it's true. Because when they came out to visit. My background on my computer changes. And it changed to a picture of me and Tayler. Bradshaw pointed at the picture of me and said, "STEFANIE!"... well it was more "tefany!" hahah.)

I still have to tell myself that some days will definitely be harder than others. In 5 days, Olivia will be 11 months old. It's surreal to me that she'll be a year old next month. A whole year has gone by. Incredible. Seeing how much she has grown and how much I have learned from her. She is my biggest life lesson that I could never forget. And I want to thank Dustinn and Val for being the incredible people that they are. :) I need to go to work but I promise I'll e-mail you about the birthday plans (hopefully after work).

My heart and prayers go out to McKinnah and her family and her mom. :)

19. Baby Olivia.

I'm missing you today.

I love you, Olivia.

20. Emotional Cat & New Blog Name

Jasper cries. Literally. Tears are coming out of his eyes. Ha!

I guess my fiesty kitty does have a sensitive side.

So. I realized since I'll be getting married next month that I need to change my blog name. I'm not alone in my journey anymore. I've been trying to think of some cute names with Tayler's and my new last name. Here are some examples: Mr&Mrs. D. or The Despain Diaries. or The Daily Despain. I will probably make a poll sometime soon and if any of you have any ideas. Let me know. :) They might even show up in my poll if I like them enough ;) I'll probably change it in a few weeks or after I'm married. We'll see.

I think it's finally setting in that it's really happening. My bridal shower is in two weeks and then I'll be able to move in into our little apartment. I'm glad things are finally falling into place.

Tayler's mom seems to be getting more involved or asking about stuff. So maybe she's finally coming to terms? I don't know. I haven't talked to her directly but I wrote her e-mail and she hasn't said anything back. This could get interesting.

Anyway. I'm pooooooped. I've been working ALL day. I sleep.

21. Apartment

We have a place! :)


We found a basement apartment in Lehi. And it's a really good location for the both of us. I move in the 1st of September. It's in our budget and it's just a really great starter place for us. I'm so grateful we found something. I was pretty down in the dumps and thinking we weren't going to find a place. But now we have one! It's one bed/one bath. I'm excited to move in already!

The kitchen

The bathroom

The master bedroom

24-23

Tayler arrived into town yesterday, sorry! I hate when I slack when I try to push myself to do something. Atleast it's only been two days.

Yesterday was my nephew's first birthday :) I remember this time last year, I was SO excited and so ready to have Olivia. I kept saying after my sister had her baby that I was going to be next. That's so crazy to me how fast a year really does go by. I can't believe it.

Happy birthday, Optimus Prime!

Before Tayler got here, I got my nails done! (Red glitter toes to match my wedding colors. haha. There is a bunch of animal hair on my toes. So if you're curious to all the fuzzies. I don't grow toe hair. And acrylic for my finger nails. The white part is all sparkly.)

I get my nails done at the Pink Parlour on main street in American Fork. They all speak English in the salon.

Oh. And Tayler was here to watch the meteor shower with me :)

I've definitely been less stressed since Tayler has been here. Only cause I get to share the stress with him now. Haha. It's been hard being a state away and just feeling like I have to do everything on my own. Like, look for apartments and get beat to the nice ones. Today, we're hoping that our luck took a turn for the better. We found a basement apartment that meets our budget and what we want. I will post pictures as soon as I know that it's OURS! EEK. The Despain abode. Can't wait.

I would probably move in the first of September. We looked at it tonight and the lady who is renting out her basement apartment said we were like the PERFECT candidates that she wants to rent to. :) Crossing my fingers this all works out. I'm done with being stressed.

Tomorrow, Tayler and I are getting our "groomal" pictures. Hopefully I'll be able to post at least one picture from them tomorrow!!

Anyway, I need to go cuddle with my almost husband. BYE. :)

26-25.

Yes, I didn't post yesterday. I'm slacking. I couldn't bring myself to post. And I was working a 9 hour shift. I'm doing a 9 hour shift tonight. And I was looking for apartments. The first one we saw was tiny. I'm sorry, my fiance is 6'5". He was going to hit his head on the ceiling. The second one, I LOVED. But other people apparently loved it so we most likely didn't get it.

I'm looking at a duplex in an hour. Hopefully that will be good. Tayler is calling a bunch of people cause he'll be here on Friday and we're hoping to go look at some more while he's here. Yesterday, was just a stressful day for me. I'm done looking.

I saw Olivia yesterday for 20 minutes before I went to work. She's getting so close to walking. She has the balance. She just is a little cruiser. She took about six steps the other day.

28. Fears.

I found a lot of pictures. But I'm going to talk about fear. Mostly fear that expectant parents have, girls have who are going through the adoption process, what birth moms fear after placement. I asked many birth moms what they feared and I can tell you that some of it was repetitive. So it's not just me that says these things. It's other girls. I wanted more opinions. I wanted adoptive families to realize that these girls are human-beings. We are not just "the birth mom." We are vulnerable. We get hurt. We have fears. Just like you.

If you can't read that, it says, "[Adoption] is not a humanitarian thing because I don't see it as a sacrifice. It's a gift."

Dear Ms. Jolie,

I wish I could relate to you seeing that you're a celebrity and all. I am so happy for you for your gifts that they practically got dropped into your lap. That you and Mr. Pitt are gonna be stars on the new next hit show, 18 underprivileged kids and counting. But I'm a birth mom and I sacrificed a whole heck of a lot to give you your gift. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Me

I asked a girl who is currently pregnant and going to place her baby for adoption. I asked her what her fears were:

"Well now that I have only 3 weeks left I get a lot of anxiety. I get nervous about nothing sometimes. I am scared that this baby won't want anything to do with me in the future. I'm scared that he will think that I was selfish to give him up for adoption. I also think a lot about my future kids. I think I will feel bad for getting married and trying to starting my family."

I can't say that I'm the only one that had fears while I was pregnant. Many young, unwed, pregnant mothers do.
Here is a list of fears when you're expecting and placing:

• Make an adoption plan with the adoptive family and them not follow through with the adoption after you have placed your baby. They close that adoption right up.
• The adoptive family judging me for my mistakes. They wouldn't like me or they wouldn't understand why I was placing and think I was a bad person.
• Getting the adoptive families hopes up and then backing out and parenting my baby.
• Your baby won't adapt in an environment of a family that isn't biological to them.
• Not being able to have your own biological child after placing.
• Have a friendship with them only to find out it was a fake friendship so they could have my baby.
• They aren't going to love my baby as much as their biological children.
• I was never going to see my baby again.
• The birth father will find the birth child. (In some cases, the birth father doesn't know out of the baby's safety.)
• The adoptive family and my baby won't bond and they'll give the baby back to me.
• My child will believe that I placed them for adoption so I could have a better life without them. (Which isn't true, I think our lives got a whole heck of a lot harder without them in it.)
• Letting reality sink in.
• Realizing that we're not supposed to be moms and someone else is.

"One of the greatest discoveries a [woman] makes, one of [her] greatest surprises, is to find [she] can do what [she] was afraid [she] couldn't."



“God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight.”








I also got to thinking when I saw this picture above. I got thinking about abortion. That even though these girls who are so strong to be able to push aside their fears to go with their gut and trust in the Lord to place their babies for adoption. I thought about the girls who didn't want to handle those fears. And in my opinion, the selfishness of abortion. I think even though you would terminate your pregnancy, doesn't mean you will forget about it either. The baby that you never got to hold and love or see grow up. Never got to see their first moments of life, breathing, living. Never got to hear their first cry or first laugh. There are a lot of firsts that I will miss and have missed but I know I would truly regret denying that opportunity to Olivia.




I want to talk about placement for a minute.

Placement isn't rainbows and gummy bears for us, birth parents. I sent Val an e-mail that I was writing to Tayler's mom and was talking about my story and about placement. And she said to me, "It's always sad to read it because I know while you're grieving, we're rejoicing but we're also grieving for you."
After placement we have so many fears in our hearts. Fears about the family, making the right decision, our baby and how they're doing. Not a day goes by that we don't think about our little one.


“Trust me I know how it feels I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it’s like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart for everything to hurt so bad you just want it to end, I know exactly how it feels”


I found this online:


Me:Did my birth mom ever get to hold me?
Mom:YES! The day you were born for a few hours and then nearly all day on your 2nd day of life. She held you, talked to you, kissed you and cried when she gave you to the Nursery nurse just before she went home. She loves you. She suffered as great a pain as you - maybe even more. She doesn't know what course your life took or that you were deeply loved by another family because of her great selfless act. I was ‘gifted’ with your birth & life. Especially now.


A Mom is someone who will put her children above everything.
A Mom sacrifices readily for her children despite her own happiness.
A Mom who fights & protect her children from any harmness.
A Mom who battles their own life in giving their children a life.
A Mom never tires herself from giving eternal love & care.
A Mom warm hugs is all needed to soothe,comfort & secure
A Mom is not only a guidance but also a friend
A Mom is always there to listen to rants,woes & complaints….
A Mom is also the best confidante
A Mom is always forgiving despite being hurt
A Mom never expect anything in return for all she have done & gave except to be loved……



Fears of birthparents:

• Telling your story to others and having them misunderstand.
• Everyone believes you have mental issues and that's why you couldn't keep your child.
• That you were heavily into drugs and couldn't keep your child.
• That I'm just irresponsible and don't have the maturity to take care of my baby.
• Misunderstanding that just because we miss our child, doesn't mean that we regret our choice to place our baby for adoption.
• Being told you're not a good enough mother and you abandoned your baby.
• Adoption was just a way to hide the "unwanted" pregnancy. (Our babies are never UNWANTED. We have always wanted them.)
• Everyone will think I never wanted my baby or I took the "easy way out."
• Going back to old habits and my birth child hating me for not changing or being better for them.
• Your adoptive family won't tell your birth child who you are and you did everything out of love.
• Birth child not knowing you love them.
• Never being able to get used to the title as "birth mother" not "mother."
• Worry the adoptive parents will get a divorce.
• I will do or say something wrong so the adoptive family will hold my birth child hostage and never let me see them.
• I will do or say something wrong to my birth child and they will no longer want contact with me.
• My birth child will think being adopted is a burden and hate me for it.
• My birth child will think they were an accident or a mistake.
• They will hate hearing that they look like their birth parents.
• Worried how to tell the guys I'm dating that I've had a baby and placed the baby for adoption.
• Never being married so then I won't be able to have my own kids later unless I am artificially inseminated.
• How my birth son/birth daughter will feel when I do get married and decided to have kids...it's that whole "why will you keep them but not me" thing.
• After placing, your child will instantly forget you and won't want you to hold them.
• Feel awkward seeing the adoptive family after placement.
• Living the rest of my life regretting the adoption.

I know I could go on with a list of a thousand fears that birth mothers have. If you are in the adoption process and looking to adopt. Please go easy on us. We are trusting you with our child. You could at least trust us. We fear so many things, please make the burden lighter as much as possible. (If any more birthparents would like to add on their fears, leave them in comments.)

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

“People who didn’t talk about their problems got to pretend they didn’t have any, People who discussed what was wrong… fought and ached and felt miserable.” -Jodi Picoult

"Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear

is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented and fabulous?

Actually who are we not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people

won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And when we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others."

-NELSON MANDELA

(geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. sorry i got the name wrong.)

The memories of you are one of the strongest things I'll ever have.

"Think of you is easy. I do it everyday. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away."

I want to remember how you've made me laugh

and sometimes cry. And I never want to forget how special

and different you are. And how you touched my heart

in a way that no one else ever could.

I will never forget you little miss Olivia. You're my world. And I love you with all my heart. I hope you will grow up knowing I did this out of love. I picked the best parents I could for you and I know they will raise you right and treat you right. I'm glad I could push past those fears to see you grow and to see you happy. You're amazing and hope to continue knowing your sweet love and spirit. Thanks for being my inspiration. I love you. :)

Thank you for all the birth moms that helped: Meghan. Meagan. Jennilee. Mariel. Karissa. Deanna. Maggie. Jessalynn.