Day 11: Friends

It's been brought to my attention that I have a tendency of pushing people away. It's not on purpose. It might just be a defense mechanism of mine. To not let anybody close to me be near me. I don't want them near so they can't hurt me.

Before Jessica's passing, that's what I did. I pushed her away. Maybe a part of me was just wanting to be with my fiance. It was almost a year since I hadn't had a boyfriend. It was nice getting that attention and once she was near, I almost was afraid of what she'd say. About me, about Tayler, about whatever. And since I didn't want to hear it. I pushed it away. What kind of friend am I? Not a very good one.

I pushed people away when they needed me most. Jessica would call me and tell me that she needed help. And what did I do? I ignored it. Which led to us fighting and not talking. And I think I've done that to a few people recently. I've been dwelling so much on the past, so much on the death of a best friend and trying to make things right. I haven't tried to dwell on the living and make things right with them.

I'm sorry to those that I have hurt during this time. For I have been selfish. I have been wanting to get away. And last night, was a reality that I can't ever get away from life. I thought getting away from Utah for a little bit and not really having to deal with thinking about Jessica would help me. Every place that I walked by or drove by- we went there, every road I drove on- we drove on together. I thought the one place she wouldn't get me- she got me. When you're physically away from it all, it doesn't mean that emotionally it's gone.

This is the strongest family that I know. I love them like my own.

I dreamed about Jessica last night. Her mom was in my dream as well. I don't exactly remember all details. But it's enough for me to realize that I can't just forget. That reality will sink in that she really is gone. It's been 3 weeks since her passing and there is a part of me that still believes that she's here. She's laughing down the hallways in my house. She's leaving me texts to wake up to. She's calling me constantly to hang out. She's borrowing my shirt that I can't find. Maybe that's a part of her comforting me and saying that she's still here. Will this ever go away? But I'm scared about reality crashing down on me, do I want to feel like she's gone? How will I handle that?

I have mourned over her loss. I know that she's gone. I cried and cried. Recently, it's just been hard for me to even produce a tear. Every once in a while I'll get a few. But that's about it. Maybe I'm due for another breakdown. I'm just waiting for it to happen.

Maybe this is Jessica's way of helping me to live life as if she were still here. To be happy, go out with friends and be good friends to them like I should've been to her. I know I shouldn't think about what had happened. I know friends fight and they make up. But what do you do when that friend moves on and you can't make up now? You never really got to say sorry? I wrote Jessica a letter and it's buried with her. It has helped me to an extent.

This is what has brought me to my attention- a close friend wrote this,

"As we just fade.

You were one of my bestfriends out here, Idk what happened to you, not to sound mean, or bitchy.

We just don’t talk at all anymore, we don’t go on dates anymore, you got engaged and you’re off… Now just being non existent. You lost a close friend recently, and I’m sorry for that, but you’d think that losing one person like you did would make you be more involved with the people that tell you “Hey, I miss you. Can we please get together soon?”

Mmm. Just anything really."

I hate admitting that I'm wrong. But I'll own up to this. I really haven't been a good friend to those around me. I've probably been a flake or bailing on you. It's not that I don't want to see you. I guess, I feel it might be easier not to be so close to people because if I lose them too, I won't hurt as much.

This is just how I feel. My blog is my thoughts and feelings. I'm not writing for you or for anyone. I'm writing for myself.

I'm going to try my hardest to be a better person. To be there for you, for anyone whenever they need it. With what has happened to Jessica, it has made me more aware of others. To help them out as much as they want me to help them. To be there when they need someone to be there. If I could've been there for Jessica, she could still be here. I'm not going to sit here and say, "should've, could've, would've." I'm going to say I'm here right now, today, whenever you need me in the future. I'll be waiting for you. I'll even reach out to you. You just have to let me in.

I don't know what it's going to take for me to move on. Maybe just time. Or helping others, it's something Jessica would've done. When that time to move on is time spent on helping others. I just don't want ya'll to feel like a charity case. I want to be a friend to you. As I have been for you in the past. Let me continue being your friend and helping you when you need it.

P.S. I love this post that a friend of Lisa's (Jessica's mom) wrote about Jessica's passing. Beautiful. :)

Day 10: Cryin' For Me

I was listening to this song on the way home from Boise. A little bit of how I've been feeling.

Yesterday, me and Tayler had to unload the truck full of his stuff. Drive two hours to Boise. Then drive two hours back to Burley. Just me and him. And I've actually enjoyed being engaged for the first time in the past 3 weeks. Yep. Had to take me that long. But I've gotten there. I love him :)

Day 9: 9/11

I found this video on my friend Michelle's blog. I loved it too much so this is all I'm going to post. I think it's fabulous. Those things life that are trials can either make you weaker or make you stronger. You decide how you want to handle things. I've had my share of experiences. I've seen what is really important in life. And I feel so incredibly blessed to have God and the gospel in my life. :)

I'll always remember. From 9/11-today. Do you remember?

Do you know what's really important to you?

Is it your job? Your money? Your family? Your friends? God? Your husband or wife? Your kids?

Do you know where your priorities are?

Day 8: Jessica's Tribute Video

I've had to redo a bunch but it looks better on the DVD since it's better quality and such. :) I love this girl with all of my heart. I'm thinking about you always, Jess.

Moving Tayler's stuff today. It's going to be a busy day!

Day 7: Boise&Grief

So, I'm in Boise. And I'm glad that I haven't forgotten to write in my blog today. I almost did. But yep. I really have nothing to blog about today.

On my drive up there was a talk show going on and it was talking about grief and the stupid things people say to someone who lost someone close to them. No joke.

This story came on. About a father who took his two sons from Utah to go fishing or something in Washington. And because of weather, the plane crashed and killing them all. On the show, one of the brother in-laws came on and started talking about it and he said he's heard people say some nasty things to his sister in-law (one of the son's wife). About how it's been 7 months since his death and she needs to move on and start dating.

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

The radio talk show host said- which is pretty much true to me in the moment, "There are two different types of people who will talk to you when you're grieving over a loss. One type is those who generally care about you and want to know what happened and how you're dealing with things. The second type is those who just are curious and want to know just to know."

I'm just listening to the radio and I'm feeling so sorry for this family. Two brothers/sons/brother in-laws and a Father/Father in-law/Husband is KILLED. Just one day they're gone. My heart goes out to them during this.

You don't just get "over" people. You MOVE ON. Jessica was my best friend, still is my best friend. I'm grateful to know through the Church that I'll be able to see her in the next life and this friendship will continue through the eternities and we'll never have to say goodbye again.

I've had people say that to me even about Olivia. That I'm not her mom and I need to get over that. Listen, I gave birth to her, I gave her life, if I didn't give that chance to her. Then someone else couldn't have been a mom without me. I am a BIRTHmom. You don't ever just forget about getting pregnant and giving birth to a child.

I have now experienced loss from placing a child through adoption. My OWN child. Not just some random baby- my DAUGHTER. I have also experienced loss of a really close friend of mine through death. Not someone that I've known for a few months and had a few experiences with. Someone that I've known for 4 years. And those 4 years- we've both had a learning and growing experiences together. As we faced those trials, we turned to each other. She's like a sister to me.

Video includes right after I've given birth to Olivia and towards the end you will see Jessica in the video. She was there through my whole pregnancy and labor and delivery (like my sisters) and was there for me post placement. She went above and beyond being a best friend. Jessica was a beautiful young girl who loved everyone and cared for their well being. I know if she were here right now and it was a similar situation to me losing someone close. She wouldn't be ignorant to my feelings. She'd be so Christ-like and be at my doorstep immediately, helping me get through my hard times. I love her so much and miss her dearly.

I will never get over anyone. I will move on. It takes TIME. It's not going to be two days or two weeks. It's something that has left a deep hole in my heart that will take a while to recover. Or for the pain to go away. And if you want to tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about that I can get over people. Then please inform me when you place your own child for adoption and 6 months later, lose a loved one to death and how you got over that.

Well, I need to go get ready and visit my fiance at work. But I wanted to share that with you. And also, the guy on the show mentioned a website called, Everydaygrief.com and that has helped him when he's had people say rude, ignorant things to their situation. I'm glad it's not just me that gets those people :P

I also wanted to share that my sister, RuthAnn, the one that is pretty much making blog everyday for two weeks, has a blog for her class. And her class has something to do with teen pregnancy and things. And she blogged about adoption. And she shares a small part with her experience with adoption. I loved it. I thought it was sweet of her. :) I love you, Ruthie.

Well, I'll be back in Utah on Wednesday. It's been pretty nice to just get out of Utah. Even the drive up, by myself, I was able to look at scenery and not really worry about anything. And get away from the drama (whatever it is) back home, temporarily.

I also wrote this post a while back. If you scroll down a bit I talk about the Stages of Grieving. But I was grieving over something totally different at the time. I was pregnant. And I had baby daddy issues and could not get over him. I've moved on from HIM. Thank goodness.

Day 5: Words of Advice

"Just a word of advice...your blog sometimes says too much. I don't think the adoptive parents of Oliva appreciate some of your posts, ones like this one. Also, your friend's family probably didn't appreciate you telling the world that their daughter committed suicide, and your friend probably didn't like knowing you told the whole world the things that happened in your friendship at the time you guys were fighting. In the future, you may want to think about others' feelings before you reveal things that are private or sensitive to them. It's your right to put out your private business in a blog, but you don't have a right to do that if you're putting other's private business out in the process. Talk about yourself, but leave out details that involve other people in your life that may not appreciate it. Also, if I was Tayler, I would be irrate you told all of your readers that your friend thinks he's ugly. Did you ever think that might be humiliating for him? Mature a little before you have a blog."
-Anonymous comment.

Dear Anonymous,

Words of advice: Your comment says a little bit too much.

Love,
The blogger who says too much.

I'm sorry blogging world that there was an actual maturity level before you can have a blog. I'm sure if you had to take a maturity test before you got a blog, I would fail, miserably. This blog post may seem immature. I just want to make some things clear for you, anonymous. This is just for you- because sometimes I tend to talk about personal things about people that I don't know that they might not appreciate. Right? About my own daughter's parents? About my best friend who passed away? My best friend's family? My own fiance?

I just like to go on and on about their personal life because I have nothing else better to do, huh? Seems like it doesn't it?

Anonymous, sadly. I can't call you anything else because you didn't even have the common courtesy to call me out with your actual name. You're a coward.

Have you ever thought that, maybe, somethings that happen affect my life? And sometimes those "things" are people?

Maybe some people aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some are just passing through to teach us a lesson.

What's the point of living this life alone? Or not having anyone in your life? You wouldn't learn anything or have any trials to overcome.

I hope you learn your lesson, anonymous.

Obviously, I affected your life somehow and offended you by my openness. Well, it sounds like to me that they only way you REALLY know me and can judge me is through my blog. Good for you and for getting to really know me as a person. You did some quite intense research.

I don't know what it is that I said that offended you, when it probably wasn't even directed towards you.

I'd just like to know anonymous, do you PERSONALLY know me to attack me? You can sit here and tell me that I should be more sensitive to the topics I write about others, were you even thinking about being sensitive to what you were writing to me? Once again, proving you're a hypocrite.

"Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path."

Just for you anonymous, I wanted to see how many people you think that I've been insensitive to, such as Jessica's family (The same friend that committed suicide. The same friend that I got in a fight with and posted over my blog but ended up deleting, you've obviously been a follower for a while if you saw that blog before I deleted it. The same friend that told me that my fiance was unattractive.)

Have you ever had a best friend that you've gotten in a fight with and maybe did some things or said some things that were really stupid? But they're still your best friend? Think about a time like that in your life and come back to me. Kthanks.

I also took the liberty of e-mailing Dustinn and Valery about what I've said my blog. If anything I've said that has bothered them- their response,

"Hey pretty lady,

To answer your question: no, you didn't hurt us at all. Honestly, blog posts, comments, etc. Don't ever worry me. Really what is important to me (important to us--speaking for Dustinn also) is our relationship with you. And we think things are good. (please tell us if you feel otherwise-- we're always here to talk.) In short, no, you did not hurt us and don't worry about it. Yes, we are super private people. It makes me laugh sometimes that we are so opposite in that way. I literally twist myself like a pretzel trying to write anything slightly personal on our blog. Haha. But you compliment me. I'm learning things from you. I love and adore you. I am proud Olivia has your genes. I think the future is very bright.

You are so respectful of privacy and so unconditionally loving."

Wait a second, I thought I was this deviant child that disrespects privacy and posts them and doesn't care about anyone's feelings because I'm heartless and unloving of others. Doesn't sound like that to me here.

Jessica's mom, Lisa, I have a GREAT deal of respect for her. Even though Jessica and I were close as best friends, Lisa has been through it ALL with her. Did you even think for one second that if I didn't feel like it was okay to post what I did, I wouldn't have?

Lisa replied,

"Hey Stef, I got your message and don't even worry about it. I read your blog and I am not offended at all. Don't people have anything better to do than criticize someone who is trying to grieve the best way she can? Hang in there! Come by and see me sometime."

Yeah, that REALLY sounds like someone to me that is SO offended by what I wrote about their daughter, which was true. I'm sorry anonymous, that you and I grieve differently.

If you're so upset about my openness anonymous, why do you even read it?

Ever heard of the first amendment? Pretty sure, I have my right to that. And I'm sorry that your opinion doesn't mean much to me. I'm going to continue as being open as I want to be. But good luck in your life and criticizing those that have done NOTHING to you, personally.

Until now. :)

Mature a little before you post a comment ;)

P.S. My fiance is the MOST attractive man in the world to me, and he knows that. So he's not irate or humiliated at all. I don't marry ugly people. :)

Day 4: True Love

Yesterday, I went to institute. I hadn't been for like a month. First, I got engaged. Second, my best friend passed away. Not much I could do.

Well, I take two classes. The first one is repentance and forgiveness. The second one is Preparing for an Eternal Marriage.

I'll talk about the second one since someone wanted to hear my views on true love and marriage. A lot of my views have to do with the class we had yesterday.

"Be friends first. Sweethearts second."

Bruce C. Hafen

Okay, Let's pretend I totally rock at making pyramids on paint. :P

Friendship: Friendship is at the bottom because that is your foundation. That's what it should be built on first. Not romance. Romance isn't going to save your relationship when everything goes wrong. Be best friends- talk about everything. You need to go through the bad to experience the good. And the bad will make your relationship stronger if they're there for you as your friend. There to give you advice and be the shoulder you can cry on. If you don't have that, you'll be alone.

Time: Law of the Harvest. You need to make your relationship grow. You need to nourish it and love it and take care of it. Growing a garden takes time. So should your relationship. It gives us a chance to see people at their best and not so best.

A guy made a comment on how sometimes in relationships they can either go really fast and just jump on that boat really quick. Or it can go really slow and they want to walk things through. Either way you go, it doesn't really matter- walking or boating down the river. All that really matters is that you make it to your destination.

Understanding: Learn to deal with the "little quirks."

Respect: You have to earn it. You need to have that personal power and be able to put your foot down and people will respect you for your values and opinions.

Understanding and Respect go hand-in-hand. You need to understand and respect that person, even if their views are a little bit different than yours.

Restraint: Brings out self-mastery. Self Control. Keep ourselves within boundaries. Discipline.

"You can not love for which you have not sacrificed."

Love that quote.

Restraint and respect go together.

Tayler says the thoughts that always come into his mind when we're just cuddling on the couch, the adversary does try and plant these thoughts into your mind like- heck, it doesn't matter. Do it now, you're getting married. But one thought always creeps into his mind once he gets those thoughts,"If you love her, you'll wait. If you respect her, you'll wait."

True Love:

1 John 4:7-8

7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and everyone that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.

8 He that loveth not knoweth not God, for God is love.

You know that you're in true love when it's within God's boundaries and God approves of it. When you are serving God, you're being blessed, and those blessings happen through your courting if it's the right guy and it will lead until marriage. At least that's what I think :)

We did the difference between true love and counterfeits.

Awaken love- "I want to be better"

You already have to be at your best if you want someone better. Inspire to be better.

A counterfeit of that could be, "You know, if I just find the right guy, I'll be better."

You should already be at your BEST to GET the best.

Product of Law (Law of the Harvest)- Love grows over time.

Beauty Within

Counterfeit: Beauty on the outside.

Serve- We are closer together when serving our God.

Genisis 29:20

And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.

Even though he served for a really long time, it didn't stop his love for Rachel.

Romans 8:35 and 37-39

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Welded "Sealed"- What can separate you from each other? Nothing.

Counterfeit: Open. Open to whatever temptations the adversary throws at you.

Sacrifice/Control

Counterfeit: Selfishness- A sense of entitlement

Welfare with other- Make sure they're being taken care of. Maybe ask, "What can I do to be a better wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/fiance?" Whatever it is. I did that last night and I feel great. Just knowing what I can improve on. But I don't really need to improve on much since I'm perfect :) JK

The counterfeit- If you're not being aware of this other person's feelings you're being insensitive and it shows that you don't really care much about your relationship. Or fixing whatever needs to be fixed and you want out. In relationships you NEED to work through everything if you want it to last.

The teacher told the story about a guy who said, "Even though I have the main course, I can still look at the menu." Pretty much saying, even though I'm married, I can still look at other girls. That's disgusting and TOTALLY disrespectful.

D&C 42:22

Thou shalt love thy WIFE with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.

Pretty much means- No menu checking there, homes!

Don't end up with a Prince "Harming" He harms the relationship.

If you can't trust the person then how can your relationship grow?

Galatians 5:16-19 & 22-26

This is what happens if you let your hormones take over in your relationship and don't have God with you at all times.

16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

17 For the flesh lusteth against the flesh: and these are contrary to the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.

18 But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.

19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,

This is what you want in your relationship-

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, faith,

23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

24 And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.

25 IF we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

26 Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another.

These were some of my favorite quotes from the lesson:

What is True Love?
President David O. McKay

"'Well,' you may ask, 'how I know when I am in love?'

"...George Q Morris [who later became a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, gave this reply]: 'My mother once said that if you meet a girl in whose presence you feel a desire to achieve, who inspires you to do your best, and to make the most of yourself, such a young woman is worthy of your love and is awakening love in your heart.'

I submit that... as a true guide. In the presence of the girl you truly love you do not feel to grovel; in her presence you do not attempt to take advantage of her; in her presence you feel that you would like to be everything that a Master Man should become, for she will inspire you to that ideal. And I ask you young women to cherish that same guide."

Elder John A. Widtsoe

"Love is the foundation of marriage, but love itself is a product of law and lives by law. True love is law-abiding, for the highest satisfactions come to a law-abiding life...

"...Marriage that lasts only during earth life is a sad one, for the love established between man and woman, as they live together and rear their family, should not die, but live and grow richer with the eternal years. True love hopes and prays for an endless continuation of association with the loved one. To those who are sealed to each other for all existence, love is ever warm, more hopeful, believing, courageous, and fearless. Such people love the richer, more joyful life. To them happiness and the making of it have no end...

"Above the physical charm, love is begotten by qualities, often subtle, of mind and spirit. The beautiful face may hide an empty mind; the sweet voice may utter coarse words; the lovely form may be ill-mannered; the woman of radiant beauty and the man of kingly form may be intolerable bores on nearer acquaintanceship; or, the person who looks attractive may really have no faults, may excel us in knowledge and courtesy, yet he is not of our kind, his ways are not ours. Under either condition, love wilts in its first stage. 'Falling in love' is always from within, rather than from without. That is, physical attractiveness must be reinforced with mental and spiritual harmony if true love is to be born and have long life- from the Later-day Saint point of view, to last throughout the eternities."

President Gordon B. Hinckley

"True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of one's companion."

Elder Marvin J. Ashton

"The world is filled with too may of us who are inclined to indicate our love with an announcement or declaration.

"True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them. ...

"We must at regular and appropriate intervals speak and reassure others of our love and the long time it takes to prove it by our actions. Real love does take time. The Great Shepherd has the same thoughts in mind when he taught, 'If ye love me, keep my commandments' (John 14:15) and 'If ye love me feed my sheep' (John 21:16) Love demands action if it is to be continuing. Love is a process. Love is not a declaration. Love is not an announcement. Love is not a passing fancy. Love is not an expediency. Love is not a convenience. 'If ye love me, keep my commandments' and 'If ye love me feed my sheep' are God-given proclamations that should remind us we can often best show our love through the processes of feeding and keeping.

"Love of God takes time. Love of family takes time. Love of country takes time. Love of neighbor takes time. Love of companion takes time. Love in courtship takes time. Love of self takes time."

I'm not going to sit here and proclaim my love for Tayler. I know in my heart that I love him so much. He's proved to me by the little things that I didn't have in relationships before that he does love me. That it IS true love. I almost felt brainwashed by my exboyfriends thinking that I could never get better. Once I got with Tayler I was thinking, "WHAT? Girls actually CAN get treated this way?" It is seriously unbelievable.

He has the most beautiful testimony. He doesn't have to verbally say it. But he's always like, "Stefanie, we can't go to bed yet. We need to read scriptures." Or, "We need to say prayer." He often sets the example for me. He is seriously the BEST fiance ever. And only one that I've had or ever will have, ahem.

I love him with all of my heart. I know these past few weeks have been really difficult on us. As I'm mourning over the loss of my best friend. And he's been used to getting all of the attention. But he's so willing to help me out through every little thing. All he really wants from me is to smile. It's even been hard to do that.

I had someone send me something really rude, you know who you are. And Tayler sent me this, "Baby I love you with all of my soul. I know what people say can hurt but I know one thing. You won't let them bring you down. Jessica is watching out for you and she and I love you so much and are very proud of you."

I'm so surprised after everything that I've gone through, he hasn't given up on me.

You want to know the difference between guys and girls?
Girls- need to talk everything out and they'll feel better about it and not worry about it again for a while. And that's "fixing it."

Boys- need to FIX it. If it's not fixable they'll give up and move on.

I'm afraid I'm not fixable. I'm afraid that I'm this huge project to Tayler that he wants to save. I had this tendency of being scared of when is he going to start being like the boys in my past? Not even a hint of them has shown. We all have our past, we all make our mistakes, but look at what they're doing now to make them better. Or watch how they handled them and you'll see how they'll handle it in the future if mistakes are made again. If they're willing to put up with the fight, they're a keeper.

I told him last night that I felt bad that he's "stuck"with me. That he's this awesome guy and I'm not-so-awesome. But I've heard you're definitely in love if you feel like you're getting the better end of the deal.

P.S. Being engaged is A HUGE commitment. I didn't realize it until I actually got engaged. I'm like, whoa. I'm going to marry this guy? I'm going to spend ETERNITY with him?... I think I can handle this. :) He's so incredible. Being next to this man every single day of my life just means that eternity is going to ROCK with him in it. By my side. :)

I'm so very grateful to have Tayler be in my life. He is so very understanding and respectful of me and our relationship. I've never really had anyone who understood what I was trying to say. I would always try to convince myself in my past relationships that I was loved. I don't have to convince myself, I know I love him and he loves me back. I wouldn't ever get respect in my past relationships because I didn't care what happened when I was with them. I thought that if I let them use me, that I was loved by them somehow. But now that I know what I want, I do get that respect from Tayler. He knows what I want and what I need to be happy and he respects that. I would always have to fight and try to understand them and understand why my ex's couldn't just love me. I'm so grateful that I don't have to fight for that and that Tayler DOES love me for me and not just for the romance in our relationship. ;) I don't have to give him sex for him to be happy with me. Unlike some unhealthy/unstable relationships that I've had.

Tayler doesn't care about my past. He just can't wait to be apart of my future. And I can't for him to be apart of mine. :) I'm one lucky girl to have him forever.

Day 3: Olivia 6 Months Old

So a lot of people have been asking me about Olivia being sealed to Dustinn and Valery. How I feel about it. Being sealed is a sacred ordinance in the LDS Church that happens in the temple. Being sealed means that she will be with them as an eternal family. That their relationship as father/mother/daughter will move on in the next life after they pass. You know, "Until Death Do You Part?" How awesome is it that we now have this knowledge in our Church that we don't have to be afraid of that? That we can be sealed to our husband/wife. Mother/father. Son/daughter. Sister/brother. We can be with them FOREVER.

The temple and that specific ordinance has been a big testimony builder for me. I always knew growing up that I needed to be sealed in the temple to be able to be with my husband forever. I guess I was just never taught how I need to live my life in order to have that. I know that it should be common sense. But I believe that a lot of the topics are hush, hush. That sex before marriage shouldn't happen. That it's meant for inside the bonds of marriage. I didn't understand that WHY it should only be that. I feel if I knew why then I would appreciate that time. Now, Tayler obviously knows he's not the first boy that's going to see me naked on my wedding night. And that hurts. But I know through the atonement and repentance, I'm able to return to purity and that it'll be a special night and that we waited for that moment to give that special part of ourselves to each other.

You remember this post? And how upset I was? I'll go into a little bit more depth since I'm now engaged. I was sort of waiting on that. Usually the finalization in adoption happens when the baby is 6 months old. D&V were told that they could possibly have to wait 8 months to a year because of the Virginia agency.

Well, the e-mailed me saying that they would update me and let me know about being sealed and the finalization because they were thinking it was going to happen in March when Olivia was 6 months old. Then I found out from my bishop that I could be married in the temple in August. I was SO stoked to tell D&V that. And to actually be able to be at the sealing. I'm not sure a lot of birth moms would be able to say that they were there. I think it'd be a neat experience.

I'm not too upset over it at the moment. You know, this is what I wanted for Olivia. For her to have a family who has an actual dad who is COMMITTED to being her dad. And not this wishy washy-I don't know if I'm going to be there- I'll fight for custody if you parent her- guy. And a stay at home mom. I wouldn't have been able to do that. I mean, the birth father, if he wasn't committed to me, what makes you think he'd be committed to child support, or even to his own child. I know that sounds rude of me. But let's be honest. Well, I always am.

Anyway, in the e-mail they said they would update me. And then I got on their blog and how they were excited to have the adoption finalized and being sealed in March. It KILLED me inside. I was thinking, "This is your way of updating me?"

I really don't meant to bring this up to arise old feelings. I'm over it. Honestly. It was a lot of just misunderstanding. The adoption finalizing with the courts and the sealing are TWO different things. I associated them as the same thing. Val had written the post before she found out about me being able to go to the temple in August. That they really WERE thinking about waiting for the sealing to be done.

More about the "Killed me inside" part. I was going to include. That a part of me sort of died when placing Olivia. I definitely felt like I failed as a mother. That legally she wasn't mine anymore. Now, I have no idea how I'll react to her being sealed to another woman who is supposed to be her mother. Will another part of me die? Will I also feel like I failed then that I couldn't have just given Olivia that in the first place if I just waited until I was married in the temple? But I know I had to gain a lot of testimony of temples and knowing that's what I needed to do when I was pregnant with Olivia and after placement. I think if I didn't have her, I'd probably would still be living my life without the gospel in it. Not really caring about the temple. Sadly, something that dramatic had to change me and had to push me in the right direction. But I've been the most happy being at Church and at Institute. And hopefully soon being able to go through the Temple.

The conclusion has come to. They are going to wait. They are hoping for July 24th, their family will be out here. And I hope I'll receive my endowments by then. Tayler and I are looking at August 7. So July 24 is two weeks before. You know, I feel good about it. I always have. I think what upset me before was the way that I found out... or got confused about finding out. It wouldn't have bothered me if it was straight out said that they didn't want me there. But they didn't say that. They said they'll update me. I guess I'm saying to other couples. If you're thinking of doing something that's pretty serious. Let the birth mom know before the whole world knows. We want to feel like we're significant enough to be in your life and you ARE grateful.

Val texted me today and asked me how I was doing because it was the 6 month mark and that sometimes those month marks could be hard. 6 months is a HUGE milestone I think.

I told her I was doing fine and that it's just crazy that half a year has gone by.

She said, "Definitely crazy. Thank you for these 6 months. :)"

Totally sweet right? What birth mom doesn't want to hear thank you for giving us this little life that has completed our family? Without you we wouldn't be complete. Yeah. Total cheese. But it's that stuff that melts our hearts and we know our babies are in perfect hands.

What I'm trying to get at here. Olivia is going to be sealed who she's supposed to be sealed to. I'm going to be sealed to who I'm supposed to be sealed to. The whole point of placing her for adoption is so Olivia can be reunited with her family by the sealing power of the temple. I don't know if I could live with myself if I denied that special blessing to her.

P.S. This is the birth of my blog. A year ago today. Crazy right? A year ago today I was 3 months pregnant.

Day 2

Meh, I've been SO busy.

I'll tell you what's been going on. I'm now working two jobs. I work Monday-Thursday (Sometimes Friday) at a dental office during the day. Then I work some nights at JCW's. Mostly Friday and Saturday nights. Working two jobs is time consuming.

I work 8-3 everyday. It's Monday night and guess what? Gossip Girl Season 3 has started up again a few weeks ago and it's on tonight. It's my favorite show of ALL time.

:)

I had to go in for a doctor's appointment last week to get another pap smear. My last one I found out I had abnormal cells/precancerous cells. I was feeling really okay with this pap smear. The last one I was kind of freaking out. I didn't feel like anything was wrong this time. And they called today and told me that I had nothing. But they want me to do another in 3 months, just in case this one was a fluke.

On Saturday, I went out to Chili's with two girls from work and right after we went and saw Remember Me with Robert Pattinson.

MMMMM.

I really liked this movie. A LOT. It had a very unpredictable ending. I like movies like that.

And Robert Pattinson wasn't this awkward manchild like he is in Twilight.

Speaking of Twilight, I did indeed purchase my copy of New Moon. I have yet to watch it. I bought the holographic case so you can choose which side you're on, Edward or Jacob.

Tomorrow, my friend Kristy who moved out to Virginia a few months ago is moving back to Utah. Kristy and I dated the same boy in high school (9th grade for me. 10th grade for her). Me, Kristy, and Nic went to Idaho right before me and Nic broke up. So that way Kristy could see her (ex)boyfriend who lived up there. I can't wait to see her again. :)

Olivia will be 6 months old, TOMORROW.

P.S. If you have any ideas for me to blog about. Topics of some sorts you want me to blog about. Tell me in my comments or my formspring. It's hard to think of stuff especially stuff for 14 days straight. Thanks :)

Zee Dress

I totally purchased this dress (well, my mom did) a month ago. I went to a bridal fair and I had tried on dresses probably the week before with Alyssa. I decided that was the one. At the bridal fair I saw it, and I pointed out that was the dress. And the lady said, "Good thing you got it. It's a pretty popular dress and has been going out pretty fast."

My heart dropped.

I called my mom ASAP and told her we had to go to Allyse's Bridal and get it.

We also got the veil and we're planning on getting a sparkly headband with it.

I'm SO excited.

I'm even more excited. We just put our deposit down on our photographer, yesterday. I've talked with her maybe two weeks before Tayler proposed. She has some awesome ideas and I can't wait for them to come to life.

I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking that this is actually happening. You totally just DREAM of this moment since you're a little girl and it's happening before your eyes.

I still can't even believe it's been two weeks exactly since I've been engaged. But that's because I've had a lot going on. Jessica passed away a few hours after Tayler had proposed. And yeah. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. The one minute I want to be selfish and happy for myself, I remember Jessica and how I should mourn over losing my best friend.

I mourn over thinking that I can't have her be at my wedding. But I know she'll be inside the temple and by my side as she should be on my wedding day. I think about how I could've been there for her on her wedding day if she was still here.

Tayler does get a little upset that I can't take the time to enjoy being engaged. I try really hard. I do like being engaged. It's probably the best feeling in the world knowing that I'm going to be with my best friend for the rest of my life and through eternity. It's just bittersweet. Really.

I do have my times where I get excited with all of the planning and happy to be with Tayler. Don't get me wrong. I just don't know how to explain it.

Yes, I'm happy.

Yes, I look AWESOME in that dress.

Yes, I can't wait to be with Tayler forever. :)

Oh P.S. You'll be hearing from me a lot more. RuthAnn is doing a school project about people writing in their journals everyday for two weeks. Blogs count. So. You'll get to enjoy the next 14 days of blogs from ME.

Suicide

This is for all the insensitive people out there, that just don't get it. I'm not going to go into some gruesome details of Jessica's death. Only those who were close to her need to know. Other than that, it causes drama. If you don't believe me, will you please take a look at my inbox and ask me how many people ask me how she died. How they don't understand why she would do that. No one HAS to understand suicide. We're not that person. I'm sure you all figured it out that she took her own life. Good for you Sherlock Holmes, are you proud of yourself now?

A person asked me on my Formspring, "I think a lot of readers have come to the conclusion that Jessica took her own life. In retrospect, did you see any warning signs that the rest of us could watch for? She seemed so beautiful and happy."

Listen, Jessica was happy. She just had a lot of stuff that she was handling on the inside. Not a lot of us get that, people who are depressed will put on a front. Until you really get to know a person how messed up their lives were. She was the only person that knew me, inside and out. You have a best friend like that? Think about how much that SUCKS losing someone like that. I have Tayler. He knows me- he's a best friend to me. But Jessica and I had this bond. We went through a lot of the same things.

Did you know that I attempted suicide when I was 16? Guess not huh? Do you see where I am now? Yes, you can turn your life around when you're depressed. I was diagnosed with severe depression. You think I was going to let one little diagnosis let me down? Heck no. I did for a bit. I did drugs, I did whatever I could to make myself happy. But I couldn't do it by myself. I turned to God.

Jessica had a beautiful testimony. The past 4 months of her life it grew so much. But it wasn't enough to save her.

I actually met Jessica at a psych ward. She and I attempted suicide. This wasn't a one time thing for her as it was for me. That experience changed me. But she had a lot more than just depression. She also had a ton of chemical imbalances in her brain. She had a lot to do with living in the moment, then thinking about the consequences. As most teens have that chemical imbalance for a while. ;)

I guess what I said really bothered a lot of people. I said, "We all saw it and tried to help her. No one could save her in time. It was her time to go."

I got questions such as,

"How can you say it was her time to go? She was only 17!!!"

"Are you freakin' kidding me?! How was it her time to go? God is supposed to decide that not her!"

This is A LOT of the reason why I didn't go around telling everyone that Jessica took her own life. Everyone blows it out of proportion and doesn't understand. I'm not about to explain myself and how right suicide is. It's not right at all. I'm sure if Jessica was here right now, she'd even tell you it wasn't the best decision.

It was God's choice for to be brought to his Earth. It's God's choice to take her out of it. This may not have been the ideal situation for people to leave this Earth. But are car accidents ideal? If someone is driving on the wrong side of the road late at night and hits you and kills you. Do you think God wouldn't know if that was going to happen to you? Is he looking down from Heaven and going to damn you and say, "IT WASN'T YOUR TIME TO GO?! HOW COULD YOU LET THAT MAN HIT YOU AND KILL YOU?! IT WASN'T YOUR TIME TO GO!"

Sounds silly right?

Jessica's mom mentioned in her talk at the funeral that she always knew when Jessica would attempt something like that. The Spirit would prompt her to help her in time. But this time, she got no prompting. She explains that she was upset for a minute at God for not letting her save her and the answer she got was, "You weren't supposed to save her. God was supposed to save her this time."

Me and Jessica's boyfriend were talking about this and he said, "Well, she took things into her own hands but God isn't required to save someone who choses that. But it's definitely best that she moved on."

I think if God really wanted her to live through this, He would've.

I found this talk by Elder M. Russell Ballard: Suicide: Some Things We Know, And Some We Don't.

Here are some quotes from that talk:

The feelings expressed then by those family members are commonly felt by Latter-day Saints trying to cope with the suicide of a loved one or friend. The anguish and uncertainty they experience are extremely painful and difficult.

Sadly, the problem touches many lives. Unfortunately, the problem also exists among members of the Church as well as non-members.

The act of taking one’s life is truly a tragedy because this single act leaves so many victims: first the one who dies, then the dozens of others—family and friends—who are left behind, some to face years of deep pain and confusion. The living victims struggle, often desperately, with difficult emotions. In addition to the feelings of grief, anger, guilt, and rejection which the victims of such a family feel, Latter-day Saints carry an additional burden. The purpose of our mortal lives, we know, is to prove ourselves, to eventually return to live in the celestial kingdom. One who commits suicide closes the door on all that, some have thought, consigning himself to the telestial kingdom.

Elder Bruce R. McConkie has said:

“Suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. … Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.”

Elder Ballard continues...

I feel that judgement for sin is not always as cut-and-dried as some of us seem to think. The Lord said, “Thou shalt not kill.” Does that mean that every person who kills will be condemned, no matter the circumstances? I feel the Lord recognized differences in intent and circumstances: Was the person who took his life mentally ill? Was he or she so deeply depressed as to be unbalanced or otherwise emotionally disturbed? Was the suicide a tragic, pitiful call for help that went unheeded too long or progressed faster than the victim intended? Did he or she somehow not understand the seriousness of the act? Was he or she suffering from a chemical imbalance in their system that led to despair and a loss of self-control?

Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth.

When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.

Also, Jessica's dad posted his talk and tribute to Jessica, which you can find here.

We are not here to judge others or to judge how one leaves this Earth. We are here to gain experience in this life. Jessica had dealt with so many things in her life that not a lot of us can comprehend unless you were her. And if you knew her and understood her life, but did not understand why she would take her own, then you really didn't know her. So, when you think about questioning me about Jessica and how you don't think it was her time to go. You're not God. You're not her. It's not YOUR choice of when you think it was time for her to go. You may not have known her, but please be a little bit more sensitive. As I'm dealing with a loss of a loved one. I'd appreciate that. :)

Jessica Laren Harris- My Beautiful Best Friend

It's not about how a person dies, it's about how they lived.

So since you're all aware that my best friend Jessica passed away this past weekend. I'm just going to vent and talk about her life a little bit. I'm just going to say, you don't know how disrespectful it is to ask a person how someone died when you personally did not know them. You just are curious and you want to know. I understand. But it's a bit petty that you'll add her as a friend on Facebook just to find out how she died. You're just curious. Also- I like to thank for the people on the heads up when they e-mail me and let me know. "Did u lyke no ur bf died?" Like I obviously wouldn't know right? She's not my best friend or anything.

I'm not here to tell the story of how she passed away. I like to believe I'll make it your business if I want you to know. I don't really think it matters how they leave this Earth. It's the way they affected people on this Earth before they left.

Well, you all know that Jessica and I weren't on very good terms. She and I had been in arguments and such and kind of stopped talking to each other. We both felt like we were in the right of the situation. Long before she had passed I had forgiven for what she had said, I have just never got the chance to physically say, I'm sorry. And I regret that more than anything. But I talked with her boyfriend and he told me that she would check up on my blog and facebook. And how she still loved and cared about me and wished we weren't fighting. You don't know how much that kills me that I couldn't have just stopped being so prideful and said I was sorry.

Even though that had happened. She's still one of my best friends. And I'm grateful to have known her. I've known her since a little bit before I turned 16 I believe. She and I had been through a lot of the same life experiences. We got sent out to a wilderness program on the same day (I went to Anasazi and she went to Aspiro). We both ended up going to West Ridge Academy.



It was kind of funny the first day that we saw each other again. I was wearing another girl's sweatshirt and the name was, "Teresa." She gave me a funny look and told me she was afraid to call me Stefanie because she thought I was in the witness protection program or something and that's why I had a different name. I was just new and they didn't have my stuff ordered in yet.

She and I were practically attached to the hip the whole way through West Ridge. We lived in the same home, Sage home. We would always try to go off campus together when they would take us off campus. We had a blast together. Towards the end of our program they started a home called Twig. We got to be roommates. During that time, we go to meet David Archuleta, right after he lost American Idol. We were obsessed. We named our room after him. It was just me and Jessica in that home. We would come home and play Rummikub and Family Fued.

One of the questions on it was, "What is your favorite cut of steak?"

I answered, "Medium rare."

She gave me SO much crap since then.

At one point, she would sneak in make up that we weren't allowed to wear at the time. We talked in these Arabian accents for like a month. People tried to copy us and every time we just tell them, "Uhhh. No."

This girl was so talented at the guitar. I was jealous of her awesome skills. I did take guitar lessons when I was like 16 but gave up.

I think in January this year we went to Little Cesar's together and it also reminded me of West Ridge because every time I'd come back from a home visit I'd always bring that.

Another funny random memory, we eat dinner altogether at West Ridge. And I have this LOVE for broccoli like nobody's business. And there were TONS leftover. I was like, "WHAT?! JACKPOT!" I took this whole plate of broccoli back to Twig and I had saran wrapped the plate so my huge plate of broccoli would not fall over. I was holding it with two hands and she pulled this ninja move and knocked the plate out of my hands. It was so funny I used to tell her that the only thing she owed me was broccoli.

She'd always say, "I owe you no such thing."

We did go on a backpacking trip together to Coyote Gulch. She wanted to go again so badly this summer. I'm thinking of making it a group trip just in tribute of her. If any of ya'll would be interested, let me know.

After West Ridge, we would try and hang out and stuff. Of course, I started going back into the drug phase. She went to a party with me one time and she helped me out of a situation and let me stay with her. I had an awful crash from the drugs. But she has been there for me through thick and thin. I would come and pick her up from her house and we'd just go out and chill with friends or go see cinematic adventures. Definitely midnight showings.

We did get in another fight because when I was still in the drug phase my dealer's house got raided and I thought it was her fault. And of course, drugs only mattered to me at the time. Finally, I got out of that and apologized to her and she would go out with me while I was pregnant. And she would go to my groups with me at LDS Family Services. She was seriously an awesome friend. We would text/call each other whenever we needed something or just to vent. We would go out and drive until like two in the morning. She and I went on a hike when it was like 4 weeks before my due date. I was trying to induce labor.

I texted her and told her I was in labor and she came in right after worked and stayed the whole time and she was there when little Olivia was born. Jessica was there at the baby shower. She was there through everything. Especially the drama afterward with Nic.

She and I both signed up for LDS Singles together. We went to the midnight showing of New Moon together and stayed up all night long. We went out and had tinfoil dinners for a date one time. We also went to the BYU vs Utah Game. We both bought Utah apparel for it.



She'd come visit me on my breaks at JCW's and we'd have their delicious cheese fries. We would find funny videos on youtube and share them with each other. We would text each other a radio station when our favorite songs came on. I.E. 92.5

That's all we would send to each other.

She and I are wifeys (via facebook) we had to end that relationship since I'm with Tayler/twins separated at birth, as she has put it.

For Christmas, I got her a New Moon T-shirt with Taylor Lautner on it. And she got me a Transformers hat and hoodie.

I got to meet Tayler and she got to meet someone special for herself. You know, I think a lot of our fight had to do with that no one is ever going to be good enough for our best friends. So that's a lot of why she didn't approve of Tayler is that I had gone through so much she thought I deserved a lot more. And that I thought she had gone through so much she deserved so much more than her boyfriend. I don't think we hated each other's boyfriends. And we both were jealous that they were occupying our time. I remember I would try to call her and she'd say she was hanging out with her boyfriend and I'd be so mad, I'm like, "Come on! It's not like you don't see him everyday." I don't know. We're weird. But I love this girl so much. She had changed my life and I'm so grateful she was there. I'm grateful I was able to be there when she needed someone too. She's definitely had her trials throughout the past 4 years.

The past week since her passing I've just been this fragile, little soul. I've been able to talk to people about it. Tayler was here when I found out. I seriously found out the day after he proposed. I think she wanted me to be happy. That's the whole reason why I didn't find out about her being in the hospital. She wanted me to have my day with Tayler. My dad had asked me if I was going to tell her. But I felt like I didn't need to physically tell her, that she already knew. I'm grateful that she didn't hate me before she left this Earth. She knew I would've wanted to be there, by her side. I asked her mom if I could make a tribute video of Jessica for the funeral. I'm grateful to have that opportunity. I sometimes completely lose it when people tell me that she and I look a lot alike or like sisters. It's difficult to explain- even though she's not related to me in anyway, she and I were so much alike. I can't even believe it. I guess that's what gets to me that she isn't like a best friend to me, she's a sister.

I went to her house and it was the hardest thing but the most peaceful thing for me. I sat at her computer as pictures downloaded onto my hard drive. And I just would imagine her coming around the corner and saying that it was all a joke. I went to her room and just sat there and cried and apologized. It's the craziest thing. I felt that she knew and that she was comforting me. It was a very spiritual experience. I know that I'm usually open about this. But this was a sacred experience that I don't plan on sharing with very many people.

Before, I did feel a lot of regret. That a lot of what had happened was my fault. That if I was being the best friend that I could be, she could've came to me. But I realized that no matter how hard things were, she would've come to me anyway.

I was having such a hard day yesterday. I missed my friend's ultrasound because I had a dentist appointment, forgot my wallet when I went to the cheesecake factory with Andee, had to drive all the way down to Highland to go to the bank because I somehow forgot my pin number, pulling into the parking stall this guy failed to see me as he was backing out and hit me, and to top off the day- Nic came into my work with his new girlfriend.

On my way home from work, I just CRIED. I could not hold it in. I can barely hold it in now. It took me this long to realize how hard it is to lose my best friend. The person that knew me inside and out and vice versa and I couldn't come to her when I needed someone to talk to most. That I couldn't just call her up and say, "Please come into JCW's and make Nic look stupid." Or, "Let's go to a gas station and get a drink." I just talked the whole way home as if she was here and just told her everything that happened that day. I asked her what I should do. I just kept saying, "This isn't fair."

Tayler is one of my best friends but it's definitely different than not having your best girlfriend with you. They know they'll never be annoyed by you. Or that they know the stupid thought process that girls have.

I have been talking to her boyfriend and that's helped a lot. He was there for when I wasn't there. He was probably about the same level of closeness that I was with her. He's awesome and he needs to know that.

I did do some wedding decoration shopping today with my mom. And I ran into Jessica's little sister. It's SO hard as I was hoping that I'd actually run into Jessica. That I wished that Jessica was there to help me out with my wedding. That she'd be apart of it.

It slipped out the other day when I told Tayler I was going to hang out with Alyssa that I said I was going to hang out with Jessica. I seriously miss her.

I do know in my heart that she is in a better place. And that she does want me to be happy. That she approves that I'm going in the right direction with Tayler. Even though I'm sure she still thinks that nobody is going to be good enough for me. She's happy I found someone like him. I know at times I feel her next to me. Tomorrow is her viewing and I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it. Her funeral is on Sunday. It's just another reminder that she's physically not here. But I know that it'll only be a short time before our friendship will be reunited. I told her in the car last night, that I still believe that she's here and that I need her still as my best friend to help me and guide me through my life.

She was truly amazing, beautiful girl. Beautiful inside and out. She has such a strong testimony. She worked at a retirement home. She loved the people that she worked with and the residents that she looked after. She would constantly talk about them or send me sweet little videos of them. She did have a resident call me one time. It was so sweet. Jessica has always had this knack of leaving things behind such as her Ipod or her debit card. Her boyfriend and I were thinking, maybe that's her strategy to get us to hang out with her again. Nope that's just her. Even though she has left this Earth, she has left behind so much love and so many memories that I will never take for granted.

Tootie Fruitie,

I love you with all of my heart. Please help me get through these next few days. I'm completely lost without you here. I miss you best friend and can't wait to see you again someday.

Always yours,

Sugarpuss