Hackers :[

So, I'm pretty sure I've been hacked in my Hotmail and my Facebook. I've had to change my passwords everytime to get onto them. And now Facebook won't send me a reset password so I've made a new e-mail and facebook. I can still get on my old hotmail account. I just won't be using it. So if you would like my new e-mail, e-mail my old account and I'll e-mail it to you.

Now I've gotten that out of the way. We'll talk about my date. This will be sort of funny because he has a facebook. He will probably get on here and read this and think I'm a FREAK. Go figure. Who doesn't?

This is how I looked.


24 weeks baby. I got nothin'. I'm going to talk to my doctor about this because I think I'm WAY small to be 24 weeks. I just want to make sure Olivia is growing alright in there.

I know my date from work, I actually knew him before he went on his mission. I was 16 and he was 19. Now I'm 19 and he's 21. WHAT. Anyway, he came to my house and picked me up and met my parents. Then we went to Applebee's. We decided we were going to go see Terminator so I had the idea to go get candy at Wal*Mart because it was so much cheaper there then it was at the movies. We got our candy and as we were walking out, guess who was walking in? You got it baby, N was. Ha. We exchanged quick hi's. But I wanted to book it out of there. My date didn't know who he was so luckily, it was not awkward for him.
So before Terminator we played in the arcade in the theater. One of the games at my dollar in quarters. :[ we were in an intense ninja killing game. Then he took me home and walked me to my door and gave him a goodnight hug. The end.
It was fun being out with him. I had a good time. :] It wasn't boring or anything. We mostly talked about work. Go figure.

Let's see. My reaction to seeing N. I noticed he looked at my date. But I was sort of happy to see him seeing me moving on. It was sort of an accomplishment. And he's probably laughing at this while writing this. But this is not for his benefit. Then I got to thinking, if N came into my work with another girl. I would probably cry and want to die at the same time.

Earlier on Saturday at work, I got ambushed by the mexican mafia. Ha. No, these ladies at work had told me that I shouldn't place my baby up for adoption. At the time I thought I was keeping so they were like, that's good. They found out that I was placing. And they all came over and talked to me about it. They told me I was going to be a bad mom for placing. They told me that I could be the dad too and I didn't need to have N around or another guy. Ugh, as much as I would LOVE to be two people. Can't happen. But they wouldn't drop it. It annoyed me a lot. One of the ladies mom came over and told me that she would have my baby. And I was like, "Uh, no thanks." I started ignoring them and trying to think of things to do so I could have an excuse not to talk to them. They were telling me that if I wasn't making enough money I could get money from the state and get foodstamps. Uh, sorry, I'm pretty big on not having my kid live on welfare. Olivia deserves SO much more than I can give her.
At work, there were a few new people who annoyed me A LOT. I used to be just a regular, nice blunt person. Kind of joke about things. But lately, I've been a blunt beewitch. If you know what mean. I made a list of salad dressings that needed to get done. Saturdays are pretty busy so we needed to get them done. It was a pretty long list. The new people would stare at it. Kind of joke about it and be like, "Are you kidding me?! THIS IS SO MUCH!" I'm like, Yes, that's why we need to do it now to get it done. We have until 3-5 to do it. I made the list at 1:30. It didn't get started until an hour later because I had to set everything out for them :[ I made a few statements that I'm sure they didn't appreciate. They were looking at it for about the 39487294792384 time and I said, "Hey, I didn't make that list for you to stare at, I made it for you to do something." They kind of laughed it off like I was joking. The person who was helping bring the food out on the trays, they were standing there, not busy at all. And I said, "Hey, since you have the time to stand there, you can stand by the dressings an do them." There was probably much hate in their heart.

Anyway, today I went to a friend's ward and it was probably a good thing. My singles ward lesson was on LDS family services and adoption. Go figure. I learned that my family ward had the same one and that they talk about it once a year. And I got to miss it. But RuthAnn told me it was probably a good thing cause I didn't need to hear it. It also would've been awkward for me. I got irritated because people were texting me about it and I'm like, What exactly do you want me to say that? Cool?
I had NO idea. I couldn't magically make myself appear. There was a part of me that was mad because I didn't get to hear what other people said about it and I wasn't in the room. And I also was just upset from the day before from the people I work with telling me I was a bad mom for placing. I stopped hanging out with my friend and I just drove off in my car to the nearest park and BAWLED. There are just some days for me that I don't want to hear or talk about placing. And that time was the exact moment I didn't want to hear anything. I was frustrated for not being there. I was frustrated because if I was there then I would've just felt awkward. I was frustrated that I couldn't keep Olivia as much as I would love to. I was frustrated that people at work would badger me about my personal life. I was frustrated that I've been judged for being pregnant and single. I was frustrated at N for getting me pregnant (HA!). I was to the point that all of that frustration came out into heaps of tears. There are times that you truly just need to be alone and cry. And it's been a while where I've thought that I've been alone in this whole situation. More so in the beginning, I felt alone because N wasn't around. But at the same time I felt like there were so many people around me, huddling around me, keeping a close eye about what would happen, what decision I would make. It was a TON of weight on my shoulders. And then the weight had been lifted since I knew I was going to place. Then the weight came back on when people would tell me, I'm a bad mom for not keeping my daughter. Or I needed to give my daughter to them. Or they would watch my daughter for me until I was ready to have her back. That's NOTHING that I needed to hear. I didn't really want to hear anything. I wanted to block out what everyone was saying. Live in la-la land have Olivia and get out. Feel nothing, no emotion, just be happy that she'll be happy. But of course, I'm a girl, I'm carrying Olivia, I'm giving her life, I'm letting another family have the opprotunity to have kids. So it brings out A LOT of emotion. My bawling was an UGLY cry, you know, I haven't cried like that in a while. Not since me and N had broken up. When I've cried in front of people I don't let it all out. I HATE crying in front of people. I hate showing my emotion. Go figure pregnant hormones. My constant companion. I remember I was thinking and frustrated that N had abandoned our daughter. He abandoned me, he abandoned EVERYTHING. It hurt me inside because this sweet angel inside of me is the only thing that can make me happy. I don't see why he would want to be away from all that.

After my ugly cry session, I felt fine. I came home and ate dinner with my family. It hurts me to hide everything. It's hurt me to pretend that everything had been alright. Because there are days that I doubt that placing would be the best for her. But I know at the end of the day it will be the best for her. For me, after it's been done and finalized I will be in a numb state. Trust me. I will want to be alone. So if I don't answer your calls, e-mails, texts, whatever. It's probably one of those days. Just know, I'm alright on my own and I'll come to you if I need anything or I'll return your call.

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.

Sad Session

First question: Who will be your "breathing coach?" Your parents? Or what?

First answer: I know for sure, I probably won't be taking any birthing classes. Ha, for some reason, I don't find them necessary. At group, a girl who has had two babies, she's parenting one and placed the other, that the nurses and doctors basically help you out or notice you're not breathing, they'll tell you to breathe. So I'm not worried about classes, or breathing. So nurses and doctors will be my guide.

I had a session today with Loni. Basically, I bawled the WHOLE time.

Which was weird because I wasn't in a crying mood at all. I've been pretty cheerful. I think she just hit some major issues or nerves. Who knows? We were talking about our "Self Behavior System." How you're most defined by what your parents tell you. Like if your parents tell you, you're pretty, or outgoing, or obnoxious, you try to find Validation of Truth. Like if someone else tells you you're pretty then you have your validation so you have your identity as pretty and you behave pretty. Or if someone tells you you're obnoxious, you have confirmation, that's what you identify within yourself, and you behave obnoxiously. I think one of mine was black sheep. I had always been defined the black sheep of the family. So my validation was, people would tell me, or I would live a different standard then from my sisters. So that's my identity. So I would behave and have a different standard from the rest of my family. So we were talking about how to get out of that sort of thing is to kind of go backwards. You change your behavior, you re-identify yourself, you get validation that you have changed, and then you believe-- I'm changed. Then I guess it just kind of hit me that she was saying to me that I've come a LONG way and I'm already in the process of re-identifying myself. And that I used to not be so close to my family and then that's all I have surrounding me in my life right now. I don't really talk to anyone about anything unless it's my sisters or my mom or V. I basically consider her family. Baby connection :]

I guess what got on the belief system is that I told her I was going out tomorrow with this guy ya know? And I just was like, I don't think I should be going out with him because of my circumstances. He's a good guy, return missionary, I'm working on everything in my life. I know right now I don't want to be focused on dating but it's good to have friends to hang out with. I just don't want other people to think, oh she's pregnant, she'll corrupt him. But I haven't really gotten that response. I've told people and they're like, "REALLY?! THAT'S COOL!" People at work anyway because they know him and me. And I'll be his first date since his mission. I'm okay with that. I actually worked with him for a few hours today. He wanted to take me out for Mexican food. BLAST.

Mexican food gives me massive headaches.

Anyway, so in the end of the belief system she got to the point that I had a belief for a while, that I don't deserve happiness. I deserve to be alone. I don't deserve the best guy. So my validation is I'm in bad boyfriend land. Then my identity is, "you suck." Then my behavior is, "I'm going to do ANYTHING to keep you from leaving me." So I need to go back and change my behavior to, "I'm okay with being with you or without you." Then my identity would be, "I'm awesome." My validation would be, "Good boyfriend land." Then my belief would be, "I deserve happiness. I don't deserve to be alone (but be okay with being alone). And I do deserve the best guy. And she was telling me that N was missing out on a lot but that it was alright and I deserved better. I'm bawling at this point. And she wanted to know what was hurting me the most and I told her that I felt like I never got the chance to get over N. I found out I was pregnant with his kid after we broke up. So after Olivia is born it's like I'm losing two of the greatest people in my life.

Then we talked about the grieving process. That there are 6 steps. The last one kind of stays where it is. But that's how I'll be going through with all of this.

1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Numb
6. Acceptance

And she asked me where I was with N in the grieving process and I said between 3&4. Yeah, probably the hardest ones. Then she said that since I do have a connection with N because of Olivia it will take a lot longer for me to let go. And that I need to take as long as I can because if I just pretend he never existed then I couldn't go to places that reminded me of him or do things or see things that reminded me of him and the grieving process would come back 10 times harder. And I want to see Olivia because I know that when I see her, I'll think of him. I mean come on, I know we haven't been together for almost 6 months. Each year that she gets older, I'll remember how long It'll be since me and N hadn't been together. I know. I'm SUPER dumb to even be thinking about him like that, "Boo, N hasn't be in my life for 6 months." But with Olivia, he's been apart of a HUGE life experience for me and I can't let go of that... yet.

There are days that I get REALLY angry with N. Well, of course, I don't ever let him know that I'm angry with him because it's not even a big deal. There are days where I'm like, "Hello, he told me one time that he would help buy maternity clothes because he never gets pregnant. From now on he should be buying things for Olivia. Buy me a plane ticket to Virginia to see D and V." Yeah, it's just really stupid things. Also, I've been mad about involvement for some reason, I don't know what it is, I have to always contact him or text him, and that's bothered me so I've been thinking if she asks me when she's older about him, all I'm really going to tell her is that he was the sperm donor. That he wasn't really involved in anything. But I want him to know, I don't want to have to tell her that unless he wants me to. I think what he can do is write her letters or whatever. Think of questions and answer them so that way she can kind of know who her birth dad is. Or maybe send her birthday cards for her birthday. I know I'll be flying out there for his birthday every year.
Then I get sad because I think about getting over him and then have a constant reminder of Olivia. Part me/part him. So I asked Loni what was appropriate to talk to him about or when I can contact him. And she told me I could tell him legitimate things like, "Hey, I'm feeling sick or bad, keep us in your prayers." Or I can tell him how the doctors appointments with. Because I made it clear that I only wanted him there for the ultrasound (check) and the birth. I'm kind of changing my whole thing about him being at the whole birth. Like it would be cool to have him there. But then at the same time, I don't want him to be awkward, so I don't know. It might change that he can come after I have her. Sign his rights away. See her. Then leave.

I don't know how long D and V will be out here. I know for sure about a week. But I want anyone who lives close by, friends or family of D and V, can come to my house and visit her. Or if N's family wants to see her. My friends and family, I'm totally open. The more people who see Olivia and know her, the better. :]

Has anyone had a charlie horse in their nose? I have. It hurts. :[

With the Q&A in the beginning. Just a reminder. I might be doing a Q&A blog if I have enough questions from people. If not, I'll be answering whatever questions I get in the beginning of each blog entry I write. So you can ask me via comment. Or you can contact me via facebook or e-mail if you don't want people to know it's you. Yep. That's all. It's late. Night :]

Public

My blog was public, then I made it private. Because I didn't want the Olivia's dad to know anything unless he came to me about it. But he knows everything now. So I made it public so that way Valery and Dustinn's family can get to know me and about Olivia :]

That's all I wanted to post. Nothing amazing has happened. I went to group last night at LDS family services. It was fun because there were a few new girls there. There was supposed to be a delivery nurse there or something and we were going to ask her questions. But I guess she forgot. So we discussed about what will be happening through labor. Ha. Everyone was so interested. And like every time they brought up something, I was like WHAT?! It freaked me out MORE. ha. Then it made me laugh that they said something about how no one wanted to hear about horror stories and then we got on that topic. I'm like, STOP! PLEASE! Me and two other girls on the same couch were that way. But it was all fun. A girl brought her boyfriend. Baha, I bet he felt SUPER awkward. I DID and I'm the one having Olivia! ha.

Anyway, I thought of an idea. If anyone had questions. I might do a Q&A blog. Or maybe if I'm not getting enough questions then I'll just post the ones I get that week. You can ask me ANYTHING. I'm a pretty open person. You can ask me about placing, adoption, baby daddy, whatev, life now with Olivia, after Olivia, what I'm doing. Shoot. I can't think of anything else you can ask me. If you have a pretty private question and you don't want people to know you're asking me you can contact me via e-mail: Stefaniejinelle@hotmail.com
Or you can just leave me questions on comments.
Or if we're friends on Facebook, you can ask me there.

Oh yeah, if I do go visit Valery and Dustinn before she's born I wanted to go out there and do a 3d/4d ultrasound out there. But of course, I need to be saving up the money. So it wouldn't be until July. Or whenever there are cheap plane tickets. Aw, I think Olivia is excited to meet Val&Dustinn. She just kicked me. :]

Here are some pictures.



This was my belly at 18 weeks.



This is my belly at 23 weeks.

23 weeks.

Man, I can't believe on Friday I'll be 24 weeks along. 6 months pregnant! Say what?! Yeah, not a big deal. But still, time FLIES. I'm sure that it'll get slower now that I'll be going through a lot more discomfort. I feel it sometimes. I woke up the other morning and my belly was sore. Pretty sure Olivia had been kicking all night or something. I will sometimes remember waking up to her kicks. She's pretty powerful.

Oh yeah, RuthAnn was SO excited on Friday when we watched 7 pounds at Whitney's house because Olivia was kicking and rolling around. RuthAnn was the first one to feel her kick. Olivia has been more open to letting people feel her. She had been shy for a while because I would put peoples hands on my belly and she'd immediately stop. But after they took it off she'd start kicking away. She only felt comfortable me feeling her. Ha, I gave RuthAnn the honor over Facebook that she's the first. And RuthAnn wrote, "That's RIGHT! It was a pretty hard kick too. She has my strength."

Let's see. I'm trying to think of what to write because I haven't updated in a... week. HA. Way to go. I try to do what I can.

Nothing really exciting is happening.

Yesterday I worked and I honestly saw almost everyone's family but N. It was like a F family reunion. Sort of. His brother and sister in-law came into my work with their family. Then I went and saw Terminator Salvation with RuthAnn and his older brother that I worked with at JCW's was there. Awkward? Probably. I only saw the first hour of Terminator because the projector broke. But we did get a refund on our ticket and got a free movie ticket. Bring it!
I do get to go see it again on Saturday with a boy from work. Yep. His name is Matt. He's a RM. I was just like, "When are we going to hang out?" And he's like, "How about Saturday? Want to see a movie?" I'm like, "Okay! I'll finish Terminator!" I don't know if I would call it a date. 1) I don't want to because I'll freak myself out and not want to go anymore. 2) Just me going out on dates is super weird to me. Being around boys? What? I can still do that when I'm pregnant with another guys baby? I guess so. It'll definitely be different and will have to get used to it for a while after I have Olivia.

I decided that I'm going to stop externing and just wait until after I have Olivia. I'll find another place and see if they'll train me and hire me. I'm not getting enough hours in the week. 3 days a week for 3-5 hours just isn't going to happen. And I don't feel dedicated because I do have a job that makes money and I'm pregnant. I have a lot of other things to worry about.

I went to the mall today with my friend Kaila. I got pretzel bites and they were AMAZING. I hadn't had those in a while. We went to Orange Julius and I got a orangeberry sunrise. Yeah, it's as good as the name sounds. I think that's the only way Olivia will be getting any type of fruit or something because I hate the texture of fruit. So I might need to buy like 80 smoothies with all sorts of fruit in them. Let's see. I got two shirts from American Eagle. Buy one get one 50% off. American Eagle jeans. I like them A LOT. And they stretch. Perfect. Then I got two necklaces at Forever 21. Both 5 dollars each. One is an anchor and the other is an owl. They brought joy to my soul. That's about it.

Oh good, right before me and Kaila walked into the mall, an old guy fell. It was THE saddest moment of my life. I wanted to cry. It was right outside of CPK and I saw him kind of just fall sort of pass out. He looked like he was trying to stop himself and then his leg hit a rock. I guess his head did too because it cracked open and he was bleeding. But that is SO sad. Me and Kaila waited while the girl who was with him ran inside CPK to get help. I was like, "Are you okay?" He responded, "Yeah." I'm sure he was embarrassed. If it was me, I would've said, "What the heck do you think? I fell over and my head is bleeding, are you calling 911 or staring?" I hope he's okay. He'll be in my prayers tonight.

We got really bored today at work. It was pretty slow. Then like an hour before we closed it got SO busy. We were all very angry about this.
But this is what a girl did during a slow time.




Those pants that I'm wearing are magic pants. Because they randomly showed up in my laundry pile. I have no idea who owns these pants. I asked my sisters and they said they weren't theirs. They're probably Katrina's. Are you missing any Buckle jeans? If so, they fit my body perfectly and you might not ever get them back. :] My mom and I discussed that God probably thought I needed pants.

Remember how Jasper used to be this cute cuddly kitten? He has turned into a vicious monster. He will bite, scratch, chew on any body part that moves.

Can it be September yet? Just curious. I can't wait for D, V, and B to come out here and meet the new addition to their family. :]
Pretty much I want to fly out there ASAP and just hang out there for like a week before she's born. I think that'd be TONS of fun. But of course, I don't want to invite myself. Anyone wanting to donate money for a plane ticket to Virginia? :]

The J's.

I decided to dedicate a post to my amazing adoptive couple and their family :]

Man, I really kind of don't have a lot to say. I just decided to post something for them since you guys don't know what they look like. But that's V and D and their son B. I hope they don't mind posting this. But don't you think a little girl would be a great addition to the family? I think so too. :]
I get a lot that me and V look-a-like and D and N look-a-like. I'll have to find a picture of me and N where we do look-a-like. I'll just post a few and you guys can determine that.



This is a picture from the roadtrip to Idaho. Ha, me and my friend Kristy pulled an all nighter the night before the roadtrip. We went to the movies and saw the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. She and I both passed out during that movie. I remember after that trip I had the biggest feeling N was going to break up with me. I told Kristy that and she told me that he wasn't going to because during the movie he was super sweet to me, I guess. Because I was sitting up and falling asleep. Then he just let me spread out across the chairs and put my head in his lap and he was playing with my hair as I fell asleep.
Anyway, do we look like D and V at all (of course, me and him are on the left in the picture above)?
Haha, I always laugh when people ask us how we met because I would just say, "He was my boss." Which was sort of true. He was the opening manager at JCW's.

ANYWAY. I'm getting off subject here. They have decided on a name and shared it with me. I don't know if they are planning on changing it at all. But they are naming her...

Olivia Kate J

Yes, so cute! I love it. :] V was telling me that she liked unique names and she liked Alyanna but wanted a more unique name and she said she wouldn't have thought of it until I said something about it. And Kate is her great-grandmothers name and her sister's name. Olivia has always felt like an Olivia to me. I don't know. I don't think me and Nic ever talked about baby names... we never really talked about marriage. haha. Come to think of it. I think we might've brought it up a few times jokingly. But we both were secretly thinking about it. But of course, being a girl in a relationship, you do think of that stuff, and I think in my mind I always knew that if me and N had a girl we would name her Olivia. And I didn't really think of a boy name. I think I thought of Gavin. But I wasn't hooked on that name anyway.

I thought I would share from the two posts below I was really bummed out about Nic and stuff. V wrote me an e-mail. And I don't know what it is. But I honestly wake up every morning and go and sit at the computer, check my e-mail to see if I got anything from them, check my facebook, and write in my blog. Little Olivia is going to be a NERD. ha. If I'm not on the computer, I'm playing Guitar Hero on my PS2. Or playing Mario Party 4 on Game Cube. Or playing Snowboard kids on N64. Baha. And Nic is a nerd too. He likes computer games such as Assassin's Creed and World of Warcraft. I remember all he talked about was getting the coolest house and having an indoor theater like he does at his parents house. He wanted every known video and computer game and every known type of gaming system from the original Nintendo to the Xbox 360. And probably the biggest Itunes collection in the world. Ha. Well, I don't know where he thought we were going to be loaded but it was his dream. All I ever dream about in my future home is some pictures of my photography on the walls in my house. If I ever get that good and get a better camera. Hey, besides being a nerd she'll hopefully be a little bit athletic. I was a cheerleader in junior high, played volleyball in elementary school for a city league, played basketball in high school. N started the Lacrosse team at Lone Peak. I don't remember if he played any other sports. Oh! I think he did some ballroom dance or something. But the only thing I'm worried about is that N had acute asthma as a child. It kind of went away when he was older. So I don't know if it'll get passed down or not. :/ I wonder if we can figure that out.But my point is, they just make my day :]

Well, I'm hanging out with Katrina and RuthAnn. We're going shopping for some cute, cheap clothes at Ross or something. Then I have to work 5 to 10:30. YAY! And P.S. I'm so happy that Adam lost on American Idol. Bleh.

Also, this song is playing on my Itunes and I kind of dubbed it mine and N's song when we were together.

You Can
David Archuleta

Take me where I've never been
Help me on my feet again
Show me that good things come to those who wait
Tell me I'm not on my own
Tell me I won't be alone
Tell me what I'm feeling isn't some mistake
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow, tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Baby, when you look at me
Tell me what do you see
Are these the eyes of someone you could love?
'Cause everything that brought me here
Well, now it all seems so clear
Baby, you're the one that I've been dreaming of
If anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow, tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love

Only you can take me sailing in your deepest eyes
Bring me to my knees and make me cry
And no one's ever done this
Everything was just a lie and I know, yes, I know

This is where it all begins
So tell me it will never end
I can't fool myself, it's you and no one else

If I could wish upon tomorrow, tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Show me that good things come to those who wait

Park

I went to the park with a friend after I wrote that blog piece below. I was just out of control in tears just sobbing. I didn't know what to do. So we ended up having a picnic with some peanut butter and honey sammichs, cheezits, and drinks. We just talked and how I felt about N and Olivia. The one thing I hate it when people tell me this, "Don't even try to make me feel sorry for you because it was your choice to have sex and now you have the consequence." Well, shoot. Sorry I took most of the right precautions and still ended up with a baby. Sorry I can't take it back now? What the heck do you want me to do? I'm not telling people to feel sorry for me. One time I made a complete joke about it and a friend said that and it really hurt my feelings. I'm like, clearly, why would you ever say that? Does it make people feel really good when it hurts other people?
Well, I'm getting off that subject. Yesterday I felt Olivia kick about 3 times. I woke up at like 6 to use the restroom and laid back down and felt her and she was probably telling me to tell V happy birthday for her. So I failed to mention that in my voicemail that I left her.
So at the park we're just laying down on the blanket and I felt her kicking again, about 7 or 8 times. So I worked up the courage and texted N,
"Just thought you should know that your daughter is a little kicker :] ha."

And....
he texted back! Um, yeah. Surprise! He rarely ever texts back. But he's been pretty good about it now.

He wrote, "She should be."

I laughed. I was half tempted to not say anything but I texted him again to see if he would write anything back. We held up a pretty good conversation. I'll write what he wrote about her. Then just tell you the rest.

I wrote back, "Maybe she'll start a girls lacrosse team. Or she already is in my belly. Ha ha."

(He started the boys lacrosse team at LP high school.)

He wrote, "Maybe soccer."

I wrote, "Ha. Well, I don't know if lacrosse had a girls team or if you can kick people in it. I guessed."

He wrote, "Lol it does but you can't."

I wrote, "Oh. Well, I guess she's breaking the rules. Sounds like me."

He wrote, "Lol."

That was the end of me and him talking about her. Then I asked him how his Sunday was and if work was good and if he was planning on going back to school. I laughed because he wrote, "Yes to all of the above." I'm just thinking, you rock at communicating. So I just tried to ask him if he was going next fall or whatever. He might be taking a class in phlebotomy. If most of you don't know what that is, it's drawing of blood. Ha, I told him how gross that was and how I'd be afraid to kill someone and he said he wasn't worried and that someone has to do it. I said, Well, props to you. I wouldn't be able to do it. Then the conversation didn't really go anywhere and all I said was "Well, thanks for talking to me." The end.

Hm, I don't know if he was just bored or he didn't want me to write bad things about him on my blog. I wonder if he can even read it. Because I have to have his e-mail obviously to give him permission not unless there is something I don't know. Or he remembers my e-mail and password and secretly gets on. That would be... great...ha...ha...ha... yeah.

Well, I got nothing else. There is your excitment for the week.

My Week

has been nothing but boring. I honestly just feel like I work and sleep. What the heck? Why can't I do something more productive in my life? I don't know. Yesterday was V's birthday. I called her and left her a message and told her happy birthday. Then she called back and I was working then I tried calling her back. YAY for phone tag!
Last night I went to my friends musical theater showcase thing with my friend Natasha. They played 3 songs from each musical. My friend was in the first musical- hairspray and she played Tracy the lead girl. There were other musicals. They did one about some ballet dancers ha. I don't remember what it was called. Then they did Big River, Little Women, Grease, Wicked, then they did one about a singing group lost in time. Ha. I don't know. And the last one was In The Heights. Which was really cool some guy rapped and it was AMAZING. I was surprised. Let's see then they all came out and sang Seasons of Love from Rent.

Um, lets see. I guess Jasper now really likes to go in the bathroom and grab toilet paper and just run off with it. So we are running out of toilet paper fast.

It's so weird, I rarely had dreams and now I've been having a million.
Last night I watched an episode of The Secret Life of an American Teenager. It's about a 15 year old girl that gets pregnant. It's the end of the season and she's having her baby in the hospital. It made me tear up. I think it's funny though because a lot of it reminds me of me and N. Well, this guy Ricky, got her pregnant (at band camp) ha. She goes to some high school dance and meets a guy, Ben, and he ends up being her boyfriend and he wants to help her take care of the baby. Sadly enough, I haven't found my Ben. Ricky slowly realizes that he's having a kid and doesn't want it to be put up for adoption and he messes it up with that. Then Amy is freaking out because she has to place the baby then I guess some girls from school help her and tell her she can still go to school because they have a daycare at the church then after school she can go to the daycare and can pay back to the daycare but staying there and watching other kids for a while. Then these last few episodes have been her in the hospital. And she had a flashback about how things even happened with her and Ricky. She's kind of beating herself up about it. I just thought this was funny. She calls Ricky and she's like, "Hey, I thought I should let you know I'm having your son, so maybe you should come to the hospital." He shows up and her mom walks in and she's like, "I brought a cheeseburger." Amy says, "Is it from the dairy shack?" And her mom says no. And Amy FREAKS out she wants a dairy shack burger. Then Ricky says, "I'll go get one." And Amy says, "Yeah, it's the least you can do." Haha.
That will probably be me. I'll be resentful towards N while I'm in pain. If he even shows up. I don't know. I'm going to get emotional now. I'm just thinking 4 months from now, after Olivia is born, I will have no contact with N. Probably not ever. I can't call him and say, hey have you seen pictures of your daughter? Or do you want to go see her? I don't know. I can't just do that. He has his own open line of communication with her. I can't just but in his life. Ha. As much as I love doing it now, I think it's just hitting me now it's coming to an end. Everything that me and N ever shared and ever had together. It's all just going to fade away. I can't change that. I just want to scream and cry at the same time. I remember I told my friend Kristy after me and N broke up, maybe if I got pregnant, we could get back together. Well, I got pregnant. Not together now. I don't know. I just don't think I was ever really given a chance to get over N. It's like we broke up, I find out I'm pregnant, and now I think about Olivia and N everyday. I have to deal with 2 heartbreaks at once. I don't know how to handle it most of the time but just cry.

I have to go. I don't want to cry anymore. Ha. Bye.

3D/4D

I decided to delete my crazy dream thing. It's kind of pointless. Now, I just have nothing to write about.

I think I need to invest in pebble ice. I go to Sonic and I always get a cup of ice. I just enjoy it thoroughly.
I have also decided to do a 3D/4D ultrasound between 28-30 weeks. I think that would be so cool. :] It's recommended not to get it before 28 weeks because she'll be too small then after 32 weeks she'll be too big I guess.
Now lets just hope my ultrasound was right the first time and that Olivia is a girl :] I know she's a girl but my friend from LDS family services. She had 2 ultrasounds and they both said it was a girl. And the last one that she had they found out that she's a boy! CRAZY!

Anyway, I had a funny thought the other day though.
I think I should be able to use the carpool lane on the freeway. The toll is 2+ passengers. I think me and Olivia qualify. Ha.

P.S. I'm 22 weeks along today! Time goes by FAST.

Conference Call

Sorry, it's probably a super fake smile but I look depressed if I don't smile. But that is my outfit of the day. I bought that shirt at the local grocery store, Albertson's. Oh YES.

I had a conference call today with D and V. I texted N the night before and invited him but he said that he didn't think he was able to make it. I think it turned out well. I didn't talk very much, Loni did say she sort of wanted to direct it. I didn't really have any questions in mind since me and V talked on Mother's day. We kind of just talked about the openness of the adoption and if they're going to be here for the birth. I thought it was way cool to find out though that their son, B, his due date was September 24th and that's Olivia's due date! We're probably meant to be. I don't know what came over me but like I had a flood of tears come out when we were talking. I think it was a mixture of tears of joy and comfort and then tears of reality setting in. Because I've tried so much to block out of my mind that I'm having my daughter and giving her away to most amazing family and know that I couldn't give her the life that this family can. Atleast not for a while with my own children. I think what hit me the most is that Loni said something like, you don't have to take her to Disneyland every summer to be good parents because Stefanie knows that you'll do a good job with whatever you do. And it's true. D and V are amazing. I know that I would have no idea what I would be doing right now with my life trying to prepare for Olivia to come into the world. I would feel so unprepared and scared and hope to be the best mom ever.
I think what hurts me is there are people at work who have told me before when I didn't know what I was going to do. They told me I would be a bad mom if I placed my baby for adoption. In my honest opinion, I don't think that makes you a bad mom. It makes you probably the greatest mom in the world to know that you're looking out for your own daughter to be unselfish and say, I know I can't give you everything right now but there are people who can. That doesn't make me love Olivia any less.
What I've been thinking in my mind is that I'm not having MY daughter, I'm having THEIRS. In my scriptures I wrote, "Physically she's yours, but spiritually she's someone elses." I think it's true. I get more and more excited for September for D and V to have their family. Also and to know Olivia and what a gift she is to me. And how much she has changed my life. I wouldn't change this experience for the world.

So after my appointment I went to Wal*Mart (I had to go to McDonald's and get a soft pretzel). But I think it helps me mentally and brings a comfort to me that Nic might be there and bring him closer to Olivia. I think I just sound ultra creepy going into his work at all. It's not in hope to see him, it's just the thought of him and his daughter in the same room. Because that will probably only happen once after she's born, if he even goes to the hospital.

Yeah, I also got chicken nuggets from McDonald's and Jasper always has to have his share. What the H?!

RuthAnn and Katrina are getting some drinks from the gas station and are going to redbox "He's just not that into you." We all haven't seen it so we're going to watch it until I have to go to work at 5. I would be going to my group tonight but since it starts at 4:30 I would only be there for like 20 minutes. Also, it's about assertiveness. Yep, I'm pretty sure I'm assertive. I don't need any lessons in that. But, I'm pretty sure SOMEONE does. haha.

Haha, when Loni did bring up baby names I was going to suggest Bathsheba as a joke. ;] I'm also probably eating a ton of fast food. So I hope little Olivia is a baby and not a Big Mac. Holla. I'm working on eating healthy. Don't worry :]

Well, Ruth and Kat are back and they brough the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I went a roadtrip to Idaho and pulled an all nighter the night before. It was me, N, and my friend Kristy, we were visiting her exboyfriend. (her boyfriend at the time) and we saw that. I totally slept through the whole thing.
Farewell. I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!

Quotes and Songs

These are quotes and songs of my life that have meant a lot to me through this past year. Or maybe after since me and N broke up. Ugh, I'm so lame.
Yes, because I would love more than anything to be over him but I'm reminded everyday that there is a part of him that made our little girl. I think also, that makes it so much harder for me to let go. On Mother's day all I thought about is if N was thinking about me and Olivia. And how I would just love for him to call and say, "I was thinking of you, have a happy Mother's day and tell Olivia hi for me." Or ask how we are. Or maybe to make me feel better to ask how I am. I don't know. I know I say I want him to call for her but maybe it just gives me a slight comfort that I know he's there and thinking of us. Anyway, this is what I have.

Come Back To Me
David Cook

You say you gotta go and find yourself.
You say that you're becoming someone else.
Don't recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you.

You say you're leaving
As you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you.

So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

Take your time I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
I can't fix you I can't save you
It's something you have to do.

When you find you come back to me



Breathe
Taylor Swift

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Thinking of You
Katy Perry

Comparisons are easily turned
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
Stay.

I'll pretend I never meant a word I said. And we'll go on believing we can be friends. But every time you look at me, I feel that hole inside my chest. And you can see it, I know you can.

Part of me wants to find the right words to hurt you, the same way you hurt me. And part of me knows I never could.

It kills her to know that everything he told her was a lie. When the only lie she ever told him was, "Babe, I'm over you." And she's still trying to make herself believe it.

Can you truly say that you don't feel a thing for me?

I do love you. Don’t you see? Don’t you understand? I can't leave you. But you are constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone, not your friends, but you leave me. So I’m asking you if you don't see a future for us, if you're not in this, please just end it, because I can't. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery.

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.

I’m scared, completely terrified actually. Scared of what will happen if i see you again. & Scared of what will happen if I don't see you again Because I can't stop thinking about you. I can't get you out of my head, from under my skin. Because every time I see you, my heart kicks in my chest.

You don't have to be together for him to break your heart.

It's not easy to move on if you're in love,
& if it is, then I'm guessing you weren't.

Maybe some people aren't meant to be in our lives forever.
Maybe some are just passing through to teach us a lesson.

I saw you just the other day my heart stopped beating,
but you? You walked right past me.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
(hahahhahhahahha, um, yep. I'm a stalker)

I'm not gonna write you a poem or tell you how much
I miss you because words can mean nothing.
But when you see the tears streaming down my face,
hopefully you'll understand.

You know, the right guy won’t get you to change. He won’t
subtly pressure you. He won’t tell you who you can and can’t
talk to about the two of you. He won't hide the fact that you’re
hanging out. He's not gonna tell you you're wrong for feeling;
for being a girl. The right guy will show you off to his friends. He'll take it
as slow as you want. He’ll only go as far as you're comfortable with.
He'll take you out to places, even if it’s just a fast food place or the store.
He'll actually sit through your stupid girly Disney movies with you
because he wants to watch them with you. The right guy will come along
someday, you just gotta tough it out and wait for him.
But whatever you do, don’t settle. You deserve so much more.

Even if I said I didn't care a million times
over & over again, you'd know I still do.

I fantasize about rejecting the apologies
that I know will never come.

I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice.
I'm mad for always apologizing for things I didn't do.
I'm mad for getting attached. I'm mad for depending on you
and wasting my time on you. I'm mad for thinking about you,
and most of all for not hating you when I should have.

When I look at him & see all those memories of us,
I just wonder if maybe he's still seeing them too.

Memories -
constant reminders that things are different now.

People ask me why it's so hard to trust people,
I ask them why is it so hard to keep a promise.



That is all that I have. I have to work now. I have a conference call tomorrow with D and V. Today would be mine and J's two year anniversary. Great. Awesome. So of course he doesn't leave me alone and sends me things like, "Why can't we be together? Would you still marry me?" Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Yeah, no.

I hope tomorrow is better than today.

21 weeks.

21 weeks baby! Sorry, the top one didn't upload right or send right or something. It doesn't look like that on my phone.


Yesterday was mother's day. I made it through the whole day without crying. Mostly because they didn't talk about mother's that much in sacrament meeting. It was THE weirdest topic though. Repentance. On Mother's day?! For real?! Me and RuthAnn were just kind of like... alright. That's nice. I spent maybe a good hour on the phone with V. It probably wasn't even an hour. I'm just really bad at keeping track of time. So I guess an hour. She and I talked about when they'd be coming out here and when I'd go out there. What they would be naming her. She said D was thinking about her middle name be after me or Olivia. I told them not after me. Number one, I don't like my name. I like it's unique with an f. But how many people are going to get that right? But it's her name. Ha. I would rather choose Olivia before I would use my name. She's so sweet. They sat in their sacrament writing down names for her :] They want her name to be perfect and extra special and meaningful. I think it's so cute. I was also thinking her middle name be Journey because it's kind of meaningful and she went through a journey. Yeah. That's probably super weird.

I did have a question, though. Where does D's family live? RuthAnn wants to know since she did just get home from New Jersey.

Let's see, today, I went out for lunch at Subway (I always get the meatball sub). So good. Then I went to Albertson's and bought rainbow chip frosting. Some Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi and Coke (for RuthAnn). I got two shirts there. They're actually really cute for being from Albertson's. Then I bought a magazine because it was about a New Moon and stuff. So yes, I bought it. I'm exciting for the movie to come out. I have yet to read the article but on the front it says, "New Moon stars after dark: Where they go, who they're dating and why the movie will be better than the book!" Oh, I hope so. I know it'll be better than Twilight because that weird lady won't be directing it. Thank goodness.

I also paid my phone bill so now I have minutes. YAY! I wonder if there was a new episode of Ghost Whisperer on Friday. I checked my DVR and there was no new recording. I'm checking online right now because it's my all time fave show.

SURPRISE!

Well, I've been waiting for SO long to write this blog entry. And the day has come. I wrote on here that my ultrasound date had changed to May 12th. But I did this to throw off some certain people. These certain people have changed my life for the better. Their names are D&V. They are going to be the ones taking care of my little girl. They are the adoption couple. Yep, I had my ultrasound on May 7th. Later that day I sent D&V a box full of girl things, a copy of the ultrasound, and a letter explaining to them what was going on.
I decided around the 22nd I was placing for adoption. I knew in my heart it has always been a good decision. There is no "right" or "wrong" decision in this situation at all. I had been thinking for a while though because I don't see myself with a kid a year from now. It just wouldn't be my life ya know? I always wanted to have kids after I got married and had a husband, who I know would be there for me. What am I going to be doing with a kid at 19 years old and single? I have people who tell me I can get through it and do it on my own. Yes, I know I'm capable of it. But there's so much more to it. I can't give my daughter a father (maybe if I ever get married. Whenever that is), I won't be able to spoil my daughter as much as I would like (spend money on things), I would be on a tight budget most likely living in my parents basement for however long I needed to until I could get on my own two--four feet.
And to be honest, I'm lucky. I know that I'll be able to have kids and not every couple has that opportunity. I'm sure there are thousands of them out there and I had to narrow it down to one. It's not an easy task. Trust me. I had people sending me messages on facebook or random couples texting me, how their cousins-sisters-friends-nieces-cows-uncles-brother couldn't have kids or something. I'm just kind of like, "Thanks but no thanks." And also, at that time I was anti-adoption. Because, I felt like EVERYONE was shoving it down my throat. Sisters, Baby's daddy, Baby's daddy's family, best friends. I honestly didn't know who to turn to. All I really talked to about my feelings was my caseworker and God. On Wednesday night I told Loni, "There is only one man in my life right now. And that's God." Ha. It's kind of funny. But true. I don't know where I would be right now without his guiding influence in my life. And the influence he has brought to me to know this amazing family.
Also, I did choose a family that lives out in Virginia. Because number one, if chose a family in Utah. I would feel like they lived down the road from me and I could just say, "Look, I could be the parent." And not go through with adoption. It gives D&V a chance to be the parents of my little girl. They have a son named B-Rad who is 19 months old. He was born in September and that's when I'm due. Ha ha.
Instead of referring to my little girl as a "her" if I was keeping her I would name her Olivia Nicole. So I'll call her Olivia.
I did write a letter to V&D I did think about putting it on here. But it's their letter. It's not for everyone. It's a special thing. I did have to share. I was anti-adoption as well because I have trust issues. I would be so afraid to give up my baby to some stranger that I had to learn how to trust in less then 9 months. I didn't think it was possible. I know V&D from my sister's husband. They're like best friends. So, I found out they couldn't conceive anymore and my heart went out to them.
I had prayed before about adoption and I had a "no" feeling about it. Then when I prayed to keep it was more of a "yes" feeling. But then you know it's a "no" feeling when you get mad at people. Like I would get mad at people telling me about adoption. So finally, I was just like, Look. God. Give me an answer. And when I said that, the feeling I got was. Look, Stefanie. I'm not going to just give you an answer. You have to search it for yourself. You're not going to take the easy way out. Have an open mind and you'll find your answer.
Of course, there is no "easy" way out. Or "easy" answer. But I looked into both with all of my heart. Single parenting and adoption. What I love about LDS family services is they don't say, "Giving up your baby for adoption" they say, "placing your baby for adoption." I don't feel like I'm giving up on Olivia at all. Giving up is abortion. Olivia has been apart of me since day one. It wasn't like I hadn't tried my hardest. And it isn't like adoption is my last resort just hand her off and say, "I couldn't give Olivia the best life." It's the total opposite. I'm placing her for adoption because I know that I am giving her the best life that she could ever have.

Also, to clarify from some previous entries. When I called N and talked to him and I said I got frustrated and started crying. It was because I wanted HIM to ask ME what I was doing. I didn't want to straight out say what was going on. That I had made a decision. I told him I was really big on my baby having a father. And he's like, "you're right. that's why adoption would be great." And I said, "Yes, that's why." And he said, "Then why do you want me to be there?" And I said, "Because you're her father!" He got really mad so finally I blurted out, "Look N. I'm placing our baby up for adoption! It's not the easiest decision on the planet. So you could atleast be a little bit nice to me. I'm sorry that I couldn't figure out in the first place that adoption was right like you did. But I had to figure it out on my own and find out for myself." And he apologized he said he understood and that it didn't just come right to him as well, that he had his own personal revelation and had to find out for himself. But he was glad I found out and that he didn't want to be the number one influence because he didn't want me doing it for him. It would be for Olivia or myself. Then I told him he should feel lucky that I even told him because I wasn't planning on doing it until the day I gave birth to her. I think he agreed to go to the ultrasound because he knew that he didn't have to pay child support for the next 18 years of his life.

There has been one time since I've cried after my ultrasound. I think it just finally hit me that Olivia just isn't "baby." Olivia is a she, her, my everything. Seeing her just made me so excited. I was more excited though for D&V to find out then for me to go to the ultrasound. Some people think I'm sad that I didn't get a boy. But you know what? I'm happy either way because Olivia isn't just mine. She's D&V's. I'm not giving her to them. They're giving her to me to share a bit of their family for 9 months. To have that connection. Olivia will always be my little girl, but she'll always be theirs. And I'm grateful for her. She has changed my life in more ways than she will ever know.
I love D&V, they are the sweetest people. I'm so grateful for God to let him share them with me in my life. I love Olivia, I can't help but announce that I'm having a baby of my own, a little girl, I'm proud of her. It's not that I'm showing her off, what parent doesn't show off their kids? I'm just so excited to see her. I cried last night because it was more of a reality that from the ultrasound, just seeing her on the big screen TV, that that's how I'll always be watching her. From a distance, from the sideline. I was really sad about it because it will be a while before I have my own children and not have to watch them from a distance and hold them and love them every single night. But I told my friend that it'd be like watching grow up from the sidelines and he said, "But you'll be cheering her on, like every good parent does for their kids." And it's true.
But, I'm going to go to bed. I forgot I totally volunteered to clean the church tomorrow morning at 10. Then I work 11:30 to 5. I'll come home and crash most likely. There has just been too much excitement in my house to go to sleep. I'm sure Olivia hates it. But she sleeps like 12-15 hours a day. I wish I got that much sleep!

Here are some pictures from the ultrasound and what I sent to D&V.

Me and N at the ultrasound. Yeah, not the greatest picture, AT ALL.

Olivia on the big screen.

She's flexing her arm.
Her beautiful profile.
Her leg :]
Foot print :]
Her arms :]The picture that defines that "baby" is a "she."


This is what I sent to them, a little picture postcard that says It's a girl! And it's the profile picture from the ultrasound. A copy of the ultrasound. A pink BYU onesie. Flower dress. Pink slippers that say, "Thank heaven for little girls." Then the, "I love my big brother" bib.
I was going to post a picture of the box after all the stuff was in it about to do some over night shipping but then I realized it has D&V's address. Don't want to post that all over the internet, now do we? ha.

I don't really have a good ending. I showed my boss my ultrasound pictures and he's like, "I don't think I want to look at them too long. I'm looking at your uterus." I'm like, "Yeah, it's not like you're committing adultery looking at a baby in someone else's uterus." Ha. Yeah. Awkward.

Wordless Wednesday

So You Had a Bad Haircut.

Yeah, I went to get my hair done. I have to get it done so often because my hair is super thick and I get it thinned. If I don't I SHED. Literally, shed. It's disgusting. Well, I told them I wanted more blonde in my hair. That didn't work out too well. Then I asked the girl to give me "swoop" bangs. She gave me the straightest, choppiest bangs I have ever seen in my life.
It kind of reminds me of that time my sisters daughter cut her hair. Oh yeah. It's that bad. The girl didn't charge me for the cut. Just the color. Holla. My friend who graduated from hair school said she would fix the cut. Ha. I'll probably color it again in the near future.
Here are some glorious pictures.


Ignore my crazy eyes. Look at the uneven choppiness of death.

The only thing I can really do with my hair right now is to put it up in a pony tail. Or else it looks bad.

20 weeks.

Nothing exciting has happened since the phone call. Boo. I just want this week to be over already for my ultrasound to see if N will actually show up. I had a few weird dreams last night. I dreamed that I worked at Wal*Mart with N. Ha. And he asked me, "You want to do something after work?" I'm just kind of like what the heck? I said, "If you want to hang out..." Ha. He said something about how he knew what was playing on TV tonight. Yep. Sit around and watch TV sounds like a fun filled night for me. Luckily it was a dream.
My other weird dream is I went back to my dentist office to intern. Oh. And I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out. And you know they give you a shot to make you numb and you get loopy or whatever? Oh my gosh! I was totally loopy in my dream. And felt numb. I've never had that happen to me before in my dream. But I was biting on my teeth funny. I probably need a night guard or else I might need braces again :/

My little Jasper has been sick. Probably because he won't eat his cat food. He likes... dog food.


He's now laying my lap right now trying to sleep. He's so cute.


Okay, I'm supposed to be at my internship right now at an orthodontic office. And guess what? I can't find my keys. Go figure. Next paycheck. It's going to buying 50 keys. One for each room in my house. One for each purse I own. One for each pants pocket I own. So I will never lose my keys again!

I hung out with my friend Joy. I was going to stay with her until she moved in June for Texas. But I don't think I want to do that anymore. And it was weird because her mom was very for keeping babies. Because she had Joy at 17 and she knows it will work out. She lived from friend house to friend house because her mom kicked her out after she got pregnant. She told me she went to abortion places and then decided she didn't want to do that. And then adoption was really hard for her to think about. But she can't have anymore kids and she's like, you can give me your baby until you're ready to have him/her back. Hm, I don't think I'm totally down for that.
Keeping my baby would be my dream come true. For everything to work out to love it every minute of everyday. And provide it with everything it ever wanted. My baby deserves the world. And I don't know if I can do that. But I know I could make it work if I tried my hardest. There are two different ways to be selfish and unselfish in this situation.
People tell me it's unselfish to place your baby up for adoption and keeping it is selfish.
But if you keep it's unselfish because you're giving your whole life just for your little baby for the next 18 years and if you place your selfish because you want to live your life without the burden of having a baby.
Meh, there's just a lot to think about and decide.


Yeaaaah, here's a picture of me at 20 weeks. I got my new phone which has a 5 mgp camera. That's nice for a camera phone. Other phones usually have 1.3 mgp.