Group

Group today was simply amazing. Our group was initially going to be a husbands of birthmothers panel but then I guess it just didn't work out and we had a birthmom come and tell her story. I will call her, P.H.

She placed almost 25 years ago and she had a closed adoption and when her son turned 18. He found her. It was such an amazing story. Maybe I'll ask her to guest post for me sometime. Her story had me in tears.

I will tell you the part that stuck out to me the most. I was reading D&V's blog and they were posting some updates about Olivia and what she is into. They called her little mischievous. Which was me. Literally, everything that they listed is what I did when I was younger. Or so I was told.

She colors on the walls.
She unlocks doors and runs away.

That was me.

In P.H.'s story it just reminded me of that. She was saying about her birthson, "No one is going to know him like I do. They're not going to know how to comfort him or react to him, he's part me. I know me and he's part me. He has my personality and I get him."

She has had a relationship with him for 6 years. It's a good relationship for them. She says there are things that really make him and her butt heads just because they're so much alike.

I just have thought about, what if Olivia doesn't ever feel accepted a part of her family because she's adopted? I know her parents will let her know she's loved even if she's not their DNA. Yes, DNA is a big part- that's the whole reason why she's here. But DNA doesn't make a family. A mom, dad and brother and their love make them a family.

I want her to be able to come to me and say, I don't get this, can you help me? I feel like no one else gets me.

I want that. I want her to understand, I do get her. But that doesn't mean that no one loves her. Everyone loves her and they want to understand her. But they might not all understand or get her, on a level like I do. I may not be her mother, but I'm her birth mother.

I know I might not be able to comfort her when she falls and scraps her knee and physically be there to tell her I love her everyday and kiss her goodnight. But I know I will be there to comfort her emotionally when she needs help figuring out who she is, where she comes from. Even with an open adoption, a child can still have an identity crisis and not know who they are. They need that other part. "They need all the PIECES to have the PEACE."

P.H. said one other thing that I love- she wrote in her letter to her birthson that something to the extent, "I want to live right and I will live my life by making this the right decision." We have a choice to let every decision and every consequence make us or break us. Every person has that agency. Anyone is free to throw a pity party for themselves and blame whoever they want but ultimately, it was your choice.

Yeah, somedays it sucks for me and I want to throw myself a pity party but I know every night before I go to sleep. I have the comfort of knowing she's okay, she's safe and she's happy. And that's all I need to know.

I love group when I just feel the Spirit throughout the night that brings me to tears and gives me the chills, constantly. The nights of group that give me the simple reminder that I've made the right decision for my little girl.

We must carry this in our hearts, what we have is special. That it can be taken from us and that when it is taken from us, we will be tested. We will be tested to our very souls. It is these times, it is this pain, that allows us to look inside 
ourselves. - Friday Night Lights




P.S. I have like a million little picture quote things, I find them on Tumblr. Should I post all the ones I have on Facebook? :) Or make a blog with them?