Wednesday, April 6, 2011

When and How.

 I've had a few questions before on my formspring if and when I was going to tell my future kids and how I would tell them that I placed a baby for adoption. I've always said, "We'll see when we get there." But really, I had no idea. I'm going to talk about P.H. again. She was a guest speaker at our group last week and it made me really think about it.

She didn't tell her oldest son until he was about 16 and told her younger daughters later about the child she had placed. Because she had a closed adoption she wasn't sure if her birthson could show up on her door step when he had turned 18. But finding out, that he really couldn't do that.

Either before she was pregnant or still in the hospital, she had shared with us some of the letters she wrote to him. Which is very vulnerable. I don't share very many of my letters to anybody. So props to her to be able to show that side of herself.

She had told him that even if they didn't meet in this life again that she was always going to love him, think about him and care about him. She also mentioned that she had signed papers saying that she was on a list to be found and she wanted him to find her when he turned 18.

He told her when they started talking again or when they met face to face again, "All you asked of me was to find you and you did everything for me. It's the least I could do after all that you have sacrificed for me."

Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else.
The Five People You Meet in Heaven 

I mention all of this because when she had told her kids. She told them that she placed under 3 conditions.

1. Don't think that this was okay.- "Well mom turned out fine, so I can do it too."

2. Don't use it against me.- Such as in argument or to hurt me intentionally.

3. Don't tell anybody.- I say for this one. They can say that they KNOW someone who placed but don't say their mom.

I haven't even told people in my ward that I had a baby and placed. That's hard for me to say.

This also reminds me of a story that she told. She brought her birthson on a trip with P.H., her husband, her 3 girls and her parents. There were 3 rooms. So she had a room with her husband. Her girls shared a room. And her parents had her own room and he had a couch.

So he felt like he wasn't apart of the family but not giving him a room/bed.

She was also talking to someone and her birthson was standing next to her and they asked how many kids she had and she said 4. If including her birthson, that would be 5. She was just used to saying 4 to everyone since not everyone knew she was a birthmom.

He didn't last 24 hours on the trip and wanted to go home. He was so mad that he didn't understand why he had to come first and why the son that she had with her husband came first so that way he could placed for adoption and he could be with her family. It was such a sad story. But it was an eye opener. Because even now, I tell people that I don't have any kids. I just hope I can explain it and maybe explain it to Olivia when she's older and she'll understand.

You might be upset and sure you have a reason to be, 

but how many reasons do you have to be happy? A lot more.

Not that I don't think about Olivia. I do stutter. It's not easy for me to say it. I'm sure it will. But I also know my role as a birthmom. I'm not going to claim that my birthdaughter is my daughter. I'm not raising her. She's not in my home. She's in the home that I placed her in. She's with her mom and dad. Not with me. I don't want to stake my claim if it's not my part to claim. I will claim I gave birth to her and for those who know I have placed but I'm not going to tell it to the person that I met 5 minutes ago.

I know that probably doesn't seem true since I have a blog and I'm so open about it. But there is a time and a place to tell everything. I don't think I can ever hide Olivia as some "deep, dark secret." I love open adoption.

Tonight at the expectant parent group there was an adoptive parent panel. And they talked about how the daughter they adopted, who was only 5 wanted to call her birthmom to find out her favorite princess. I want Olivia to be able to come to me and say that. Maybe not that exact thing but that she'll be able to know my favorites, our differences, our similarities, my/her dislikes, my/her likes, I want her to know every single part of me that she wants and I want to know everything about her that she'll allow me to know.

We talked about too about the boundaries. Like when Olivia is a teenager- if she's anything like I was. Then I know there will be a lot of... heck. haha. I thought at first, "I don't want her to come to my house and say, 'I got in a fight and I want to live with my birthfamily forever." I thought, um, no. I'm not your parent. I'm not just going to take over. But the way a family explained to me that their birthmom wouldn't mind that just because they know that she's going to go her and not to a friend's house that's a bad influence. I think it's incredible. Even if I'm not next door neighbors. I would still want her to call and talk to me about it.

I'm sure I'm jumping all over topics and such so I hope this all makes sense. It has made me really think a lot about the future and my kids. I know my future kids will not fill the hole that I have in my heart from placing Olivia. I know I love Olivia with all of my heart but my kids will need to come first. Like Olivia &a B comes first in D&V's life.

I don't know exactly when I will tell my kids. If they'll always grow up knowing that I placed a baby for adoption so they can deal with it and be okay with it. Or just wait until I feel like they're mature enough to understand. I just don't think I can hide it. And if Olivia grows up knowing that she's adopted and that she knows about her half brothers and sisters then why would it be fair that they don't know about her? I want my kids to be able to trust me and know that I wasn't perfect. I don't want to lie and think they can't live up to my expectations. I'm a "real" person that understands true temptations, trials and tribulations but I also understand the power of the atonement and to turn my life around and have the Gospel back in my life when I've gone astray. I want them to know even though it'd break my heart if they picked my path- I want them to know they can always turn to the Lord, even if they can't come to me about it.

Oh BTW. I'm starting to do pseudonyms through my blog so if you know the adoptive family's name or the birth father and his family's name. Please don't use them in comments or else I can't accept it or will need to delete them.

I'm also adding more couples hoping to adopt. If you notice you're not on my side bar and would like to be added, leave a comment with your blog link. Or if you have been blessed through adoption and want to share your story. If you're a birth parent then let me know if you want your blog added too. :) Let me know. I'm trying to update all this!


  1. OMG!!!!!!

    Steph! I love your blog! I do!

    Newst fan. Thanks for following my blog too :)

  2. Hey Stefanie~~ I wouldn't mind being added on your blog please. You're awesome!!!! ... i have a button on there too, if you'd like to add it.

  3. Stefanie these are my feelings exactly about my son I placed! I would also love to be a part of your blog roll. It is


  4. I've thought of this too, when to tell my children about me placing "C". And now since I have my own child, it has crossed my mind more. I'm adopted as well. People have often asked, "so when did you find out you were adopted?" My response was that I'd always known. It wasn't some big talk we has one day. My parents just always told us and it's something that we always knew and were fine with. I think I'm going to use the same theory on Brielle. I have already told her about "C". She is 4 months old, but's never to early to start! I just want her and my other children to always know. I do so many things with LDS Family Services and get letters and pictures from "C"'s parents, so it's not something I can really hide. For my husband and I, we feel honesty is the best policy for our children when it comes to their half brother.

  5. I don't have anything that I can say to relate to this but just wanted to say thanks to the insight into you life. This post was great.

  6. Stefanie! Hey-- it's Kati here, the weird one who stopped by your parents on Sunday. I think this blog is such a service to so many of us. For me it has opened the door to the wide range of feelings that are felt by the many of us affected by adoption in someway. I only saw it through my sisters perspective (who was adopted) and never gave the rest of it a lot of thought. Thank you for sharing so much. Thank you also for sharing your testimony. Any hey, if you ever want someone to run with let me know! I have coached many people and got them into running- so even if you are just beginning I hope you take me up on my offer! Just leave me a comment