3D/4D Ultrasound Pictures

Yes, I know in the Creed song he's talking about his son. But pretend it's not. :) ha.
I had a different song for the video but it wouldn't work so, I had to pick one from youtube and this is the only one I could find that could possibly fit. I don't know.
These are the 3D/4D ultrasound pictures just put to music.
I was about 29/30 weeks when I got this done. Probably the best time to do it.

9 days until my due date :)

False Labor :(

I went to church yesterday. I also enjoy going because when I don't go it's like, "What if I was supposed to be there to hear something that I needed to hear?" or, "I needed to say something that someone needed to hear?" Well, in sacrament meeting this guy spoke it was about discipleship and one part of his talk totally stood out to me. I'm just paraphrasing.
But lately, I had been having thoughts of, "What if I told N the night that we broke up that I was pregnant?" "What would've happened if he had been there for me a lot more during the pregnancy?" "Would anything have changed?"
I remember that in the beginning and I started going to LDSFS that I had feelings that I was going to keep my baby. And so I was in that mindset for a while. Then I started going to groups and other girls were sharing their stories of placement. And it's just like my feelings had changed and I started questioning that maybe adoption is what I'm supposed to do. I always try to pray every night before I pass out or something or before I forget. But this time I needed to know. This isn't how I pray but I thought I'll tell you how I felt, "Okay, God. You gave me this answer, now I feel totally different. What's the real answer?" And I got the answer, "Figure it out yourself. Don't take the easy way out." I'm like, "Thanks God. There is no easy way!" Haha.
I tried thinking of a plan of how I was going to be a single parent and provide for my baby and myself, pay for a sitter, go to work, figure all of those things out and write out a budget and stuff. Then I was going to groups and hearing the stories of girls and their adoption plans/placement. I think it was just an easing into the thought of adoption gradually. It wasn't like, Okay. I'm going to do this right now! It was, "I think I'm okay with this." Or I know I'm okay with this.
But anyway, in this guys talk he said to have patience. And that God isn't just going to answer things for you right away. When you have patience you'll receive the answers you need. And what I got from it is that things will happen when you're patient and sometimes you don't need to look for the answer, it'll come to you when you're patient. And that's just how I feel that the answer of adoption just kind of fell into place. I didn't really need to search because I had the answer it just needed to work it's way into my life. And it did :)
I wanted God to answer my prayers... more like my problems. Problems with N, why couldn't have God just gave N the answer of being with me and raising our baby? Because that wasn't the answer. That was the immediate self-satisfying answer for me. Same with keeping. I had to patient with myself and with God to find the answer for myself and to ask Him with all the faith in me if it's the right decision.
It may not be the easiest decision but the right one.
I'm trying to think but one of my friends who I had told in the beginning she said to me that her dad saw things like this all the time and that girls will have the feeling to keep their babies in the beginning but later on will feel the spirit and touched by the Lord what they need to do. Because you're more thinking of your own needs and once you have a baby. It's not about you anymore.
So, it's hard for me to express the want for my baby because I feel selfish. I know where she belongs and what she deserves. And I know she deserves so much more than what I can give her.

Anyway, I thought I would tell you what happened yesterday. So after church I went home and my visiting teachers came over. Then we had dinner with my fambam, played some kingsburg. My brother in-law won the game for his first time playing AND we were celebrating his birthday that day. His birthday is September 20th. He told me one time to have Olivia on his birthday but my nephew took their wedding anniversary and one of nieces took my sister's birthday. haha. After the game, I went on a walk with my friend K. We walked for a while. From about 8:30-9:30. Then I went home and walked some more with my dog from about 9:30 to 10. Then walked again from 10:30 to 11. It's like once I get in the habit of walking, I keep on wanting to :) And if it helps induce labor. I'M ALL FOR IT!

I've been bonding with Olivia by watching movies with her. Listening to music. I consider going to my grandma's funeral (beautiful service, by the way) a roadtrip, it was about 2 hours away. And I LOVE roadtrips. Then, I've read some books to her late at night before I go to sleep. :)

Anyway. After I got home, I just laid in bed and was reading a magazine and started feeling some contractions. I'm like cool... then it went away. I wasn't really expecting to go into labor. Then 15 minutes later another contraction, longer and stronger. They're probably lasting about 30 seconds. Every 15 minutes for 30 seconds, and they kept getting stronger. This lasted from about midnight until 2 in the morning. I then decided to take a shower to see if anything might happen. It slowed them down and I went to sleep. I woke up a few times in the night from contractions but nothing big. They're all gone now :(

No baby Olivia today.

Must keep thinking labor thoughts. :)

38 weeks and hormonal.

38 weeks along today.

I'm totally despising the hormonal part of being pregnant. I don't like crying. More like, I don't like showing my emotions that I do hurt. As much as I want to be strong during this time, I feel so weak also. I can't help it.

Today, Loni and I had to go over the relinquishment papers in our meeting. I was pretty good at not crying until after we had finished them and she asked me what I thought.

They're pretty brutal. Right at the top of the paper it says, "Relinquishment of parental rights, consent to adoption and consent to termination of parental rights."

I'm not going to say what's all on it but it says,

"I understand that by signing this Relinquishment, I am giving up all my parental rights to this child."

"I understand that this Relinquishment, is final and irrevocable the moment I sign it and I cannot change my mind after I sign this document."

"I consent to the absolute and final termination of my parental rights."

I can't sign these papers until 24 hours after I've delivered and I can't be on any medication. N has his own papers to sign to reliquinsh his rights. I need to talk to him about whether or not he's going to be in the room with me and sign papers together or whatever. I don't mind him being there. It might help to not do it alone.

Loni was trying to tell me that even though when I sign these papers it doesn't mean it takes away that I'm her mom. I'm just not parenting her.
I just can't stop crying now. I've made it through most of the day without crying. But since it's in the back of my mind the little things frustrate me or make me emotional. Ha. Just barely, you guys will probably laugh why I'm crying. I have family in town for my grandma's funeral. One of my family members decided to park right in the middle of the side of the road where I park. Not being very considerate of leaving me a space to park. I'm sure I could've fit a normal car there. I drive a freaking BOAT. My family was outside watching me as I'm turning my car around to park somewhere else or into a small space. And watching me as I'm getting out of my car. I'm like, please, keep staring at me like I'm an idiot. I just run into the house and go straight to my room and cry... and cry... and cry.

I don't want to be pregnant. I want to have Olivia but at the same time I don't. It's uncomfortable the last few weeks of pregnancy. But these are the last few weeks where I'm her mom. Loni told me to go home and just spend time with her. It sounded pretty weird to me at first. But she was saying, this is the only time you have now before she's born to read stories to her, to listen to your favorite music together, or watch your favorite movies together. Ha, it's not like she's here. She's just a part of me. That's how she'll always be. Just a part of me. I'm not going to parent her, I'm not going to see her everyday or every week like other birthmoms get to. I get to see her maybe a few times a year and get pictures whenever. But that's what I wanted. I wanted D and V to be the parent and I know I would try to step in or try to go over everyday to be her mom. I can't do that. I made a choice to give up my parental rights.

Bent.

On occasion, I like to Facebook stalk. I know. All of you, beware. Ha. I just am one of those people who will snoop on your Facebook to find out what you're doing in life instead of asking you. Because I can just figure out all that information right there. Oh boy, do I love the internet? Well, I came across this guy who I had a crush on in the 5th grade. Haha. He grew up to be pretty good looking if you ask me. And of course, he has this GORGEOUS girlfriend. I was looking at pictures they had taken together. They are honestly the couple of the year in these pictures. I was so intrigued and mesmerised by them. That sounds so creepy but you look at them and you just think to yourself, you're so in love. I wish I could post them but that'd be kind of creepy too.
Anyway, as I continue FB stalking this couple I check out her FB profile and straight up on her status it says, "Me and ... are going to have a beautiful baby. Mommy to be :)"

I don't know how I can even describe the emotion I had. I am happy for them and yes, they will have a beautiful baby.

It's one of those bittersweet moments. When you remember the first time you found out you were pregnant (or for those adopting, finding out a birthmother picked you.), you are SO excited.

I was in denial. I didn't think I was going to be pregnant when I took the test at the doctors. The doctor tells me, I'm "pretty positive." Whatever that means. I'm half way pregnant. I don't know. When you're 18 and find out that you're pregnant. You're in SHOCK. Especially if you've been on the pill since you were 16. I cried. I told my mom I was scared. Being scared was my first reaction. I didn't think that would ever happen to me. But ya know, "I was doing the deed, I should've expected it." I was scared because I didn't know how N reacted to it. We had only broken up two weeks before. I still hoped. I still hoped for the excitement to come later that N was still in love with me and he wanted to raise our baby. I wanted to do exactly what the girl posted as her status. I am still excited for my baby. But at the same time, I wish I could share the excitement with someone else. The excitement with someone who helped create her. I couldn't have made her alone. I honestly wished for days that we could share the excitement of bringing a baby into the world together. But if those days happened, I would probably hope for a lot more than that. So, I guess it's a good thing he's stayed away. We did share moments of the ultrasound and finding out our baby is a little girl. Um, I think that's the only time. The other times we kind of fought about stuff (mostly in the beginning). He never had the excitement of feeling her kick for the first time (or around the first times). There's just a few things. But, somedays it hurts to think about him being with someone else. Having those moments with her and not with me. And you know what? It hurts because I know he doesn't care at all.

He used to tell me that he cared about me still. I don't see it anymore. From what I've got from him, he cares for her for ME. He doesn't do it for himself or to even care about her. :/

I think this time about a year ago, we knew each other. We probably weren't hanging out but we worked together. I like to smile and think about when things were good. The nights he would sneak me into his room and he only had a mattress on his bedroom floor and we would sit and talk on it for hours. How he would tell me to get over the guy who I wasn't in love with anymore. How he was fighting for me and would be my side. I was too scared to believe him. But eventually, I gave in to him. After the nights of sneaking into his room, then leaving him in the middle of the night for the guy I didn't love. I really didn't see that he was waiting for me to come back to him or stay with him. He had to give me an ultimatum. After knowing him, and seeing how much he really was there for me than the other guy, I stayed with him. I chose the guy who stood by me through the hard times and the drama when he probably didn't want to. But he was the one who had me smiling throughout the day or joking about being married at work to make this one hispanic lady jealous (and others). He was the one that kept me up all night just wrapping his arms around me, telling me not to go to sleep and to stay up with him, and waking up in the morning to a kiss on the cheek or an "I love you" in my ear. He was the one who asked me to come live with him and move in with him... what? a month into our relationship? As much as you all see how I feel, and that I have the only one putting in the effort to make things work. It wasn't always like that as you can tell. What changed all that? What changed that I wasn't good enough to fight for anymore?

Getting out of memory lane and going back to today, I really don't know how it's all going to play out after she's born, after he sees her. I honestly want him to have the experience of me having her to see what I had to go through to bring her into the world. It's not easy. Even though I'll have an epidural. You still feel the pressure. Just no pain. The only pain I probably will feel is the emotional kind. Because I never thought of sharing the moment of bringing my first baby into the world with someone else unless it was my husband. I don't have that. I share the moment with someone who I loved, a lot. Obviously, enough to create a life, or do the act of creating a life. Ha. As much as he hates it or thinks I'm over him. I'll always have a bond with him that will never go away. Through time the hurt will fade, but it'll always be there. I will be so incredibly happy when I look into her eyes and smile and my initial reaction will look up at him and look into his eyes and hope to see happiness too.

Anyway, I'm getting off my emotional soapbox.
Quotes.

1. Just as I start to say what I have been thinking about
for the past year, I delete it. I just can't bear your response
right now, but some day, some day I will. Some day I
will tell you exactly what happened to me the day you walked
out of my life, I promise you - that day will be the day you
finally see the real person under all the smiles & laughs.

2. My whole life is made up of mistakes, but that just means that
it's also made up of a book of lessons. I learn and I move right
on to the next mistake. But that's okay. Because I know that I
have people right there by my side the whole way through.

3. I don't really know where life's taking me these days,
but I'll be sure to thank it when I get there.

4.You don't like taking risks? You do it every day. You get
up in the morning, don't you? You walk outside some time
every day, don't you? Every moment of your life is just
another risk. But you live it. Because if you don't, then it's
boring. Every chance is another adventure, which is just another memory.

5.You may not think your words phase me, but trust me, they do.
I don't care about anyone's opnion as much as I do yours.

6. He was amazing to me. I know he was. He made me laugh,
he made me believe things would be okay, he was there for
me to fall on when I got tired of walking, he danced with me
when there was no music. He held me tight when the stars were out.
But we never fought. Sometimes, things are just too perfect.

7. I don't like to think too much. It hurts, honestly. Because
when I think, he seems to cross my mind. Once he does,
I can't get him out. I think about the happy times, I'll smile,
and then I'll cry. All because I know I won't ever have him again.

8. "Things change. So do people."
"But why? Why do things have to be so hard?"
"To teach you a lesson. How do you think you become
so strong? So independant? You go through situations
where you have no choice but to be your own person.
To stand on your own two feet. It happens for a reason."

9. Sure, I miss you holding me in your arms. I miss your
empty promises that always seemed to brighten my day.
But I don't miss the fights. I don't miss the tears. And
that my darling is why I'm moving on with my life. I'm
going to get my smile back. One way or the other.

10. I'm over you, truly I am. But that doesn't mean that thinking about you
with her doesn't sting a little bit. I mean, I used to be her. The
person you would make laugh and giggle like a schoolgirl who thinks
she's in love. I'm not saying I would totally be yours again if you
asked me, but I am saying that I still miss you sometimes.

11. Something just tells me that I wouldn't be who I am now if it wasn't
for all the mistakes I made along the way. All the people I hurt, all
the people that hurt me. All the pictures I tore, all the times I thought
I just couldn't take it anymore. It all made me strong. It made me realize
that things won't always go my way, but that's okay, because everything
is how it's supposed to be at the end of the day.

12. I'm sorry if I said words that weren't exactly the nicest
thing in the world to you, but you broke my heart after
you promised you were different, I think I deserved a chance
to get everything off of my chest.

13. Don't look at me that way, with that smile and those eyes.
I don't care to see you anymore in this lifetime. Every tear
you ever caused me to cry, I hope, will forever stay in the
back of your mind. Reminding you of the girl you broke.

Hold onto the past, but don't let it hold onto you.

14. I never wanted to let you go, but I needed to. I had died
enough on the inside, it was starting to show. I couldn't
let that happen to myself, I knew I was going to miss you
smiling at me, but I missed myself smiling in the mirror even more.

15. You're worse then I am. You don't let yourself get close
to anyone, not even your own family. I know why
you don't though, you're scared. You hate who you are.
You hate everything about yourself, and so you're scared
to get close to someone and actually start loving them,
because you don't want to dissapoint them like you dissapoint yourself.

16. I don't think I could ever let myself call you mine again,
I'd just be too scared to have my heart broken, but that
doesn't stop me from thinking back to our old memories.
I don't regret any of them, truly, because those days were
some of the best days in my life. I am who I am because of you.
Thankyou.

The Hills Have Eyes.

Posing in a cougar cave. Baha.




Going into labor in the cougar cave?


Jessica and me.

Jessica can climb over there because she's not 9 months pregnant.


She kept picking up these catepillars. I told her they were poisonous. She didn't believe me.


The valley on the hike down.



There was some duct tape on the ground. I was certain a crime was committed there. This is crime scene evidence number one.








Victory!

My friend Jessica and I went on a hike to induce labor. It was uphill pretty much the whole time to the falls. I didn't start feeling contractions until the way down. But nothing consistent. They're gone now. I came home to an e-mail from my doula about natural induction methods. She told me not to start doing them until I'm 39 weeks.
Jessica and I were talking about the creepy movie The Hills Have Eyes on the way up. That is what influenced my blog's title. Jessica proceeded to tell me about this midget village in Salt Lake. There was this drain on the hike up and it sounds like a cougar growling. I was freaking out. I was like, Dude, maybe we should turn around. She decided to let me freak out and then tell me about the drain. Thanks.
Ha. I was thinking the whole time, "I'm so out of shape." I'm 9 months pregnant! I'm allowed to be out of shape!! But, I can't wait to go back packing and stuff. Jessica would climb up on the rocks and be able to explore more than me and it makes me miss it. I love the outdoors. :)

:)

Olivia=Not breech
:)

The doctor checked that my cervix was still high so she figured that the baby was still breech (I guess this means I'm still at a 1 and 75% effaced. She didn't really check. :/ ).
Then the ultrasound determined... head down baby!
The doctor and I were definitely surprised.

This is what I did:

• Swimming
• knee to chest- get into a knee to chest position and hold it for 5-10 minutes to help the baby move up and out of the pelvis.
• breech tilts- lie on your back with your hips elevated 12" (use pillows) and your hips and knees flexed and gently roll 180 degrees from side to side for 15 minutes.
• lay with hips ... elevated- about 12 inches above your head. this prevents the baby's head from engagin and allows them to turn. It also help to massage your belly in a circular motion, very gently, to encourage the baby to turn.
• music- i put ipod ear buds near my pelvic bone. she listened to some secondhand serenade. she could not resist drifting down to hear his beautiful voice.

I told N about her turning and he's like, "She turned by herself?"
I said, "Well.... I may have influenced."
I then told him now that she's head down that he can help me induce labor by giving me a foot rub and hitting some of the pressure points in my foot to get her to drop. Ha, right.

Thanks for all the prayers and fasting!
Bless your hearts!
Well, I need to go find a trampoline.
BAHA. :)

D&V are doing a contest to guess the time and date of Olivia's birth.
Also, her weight and her height.
They're doing prizes. I'll just do it for fun. Sorry, I'll motivate you all to guess by rewarding you with blessings!
My due date is September 24th!

Maternity Pictures

So, here are the pictures my friend, Michelle, did for me when I was like 32 or 33 weeks along. I kind of laugh at some of them because I don't even look pregnant. baha. Thanks for the pictures Michelle. I love them. :)
I really should sleep so that way tomorrow gets here faster and I want to know if Olivia will be coming to the world soooooooooon. I'm SO excited! I can't wait :))) P.S. Thanks everyone for your prayers! Let's hope they were heard. Haha.













I went swimming today with Andee in her pool (Come on, Olivia! Turn your cute butt around! Literally.). It was fun and we were able to talk about things going on and it was really good. I'm so happy about adoption and the people that I've been able to meet who have helped me during this journey and I hope have helped them as well. I'm glad she and I have been able to be friends outside of the blogging world. :)
I also wanted to say thank you to her and to Crystal for the blog award!
I would be posting it on here but I'm lazy and... pregnant. Come on guys. I only have like 15 more days (or less) to use that excuse. Give me a break!