Group

Group today was simply amazing. Our group was initially going to be a husbands of birthmothers panel but then I guess it just didn't work out and we had a birthmom come and tell her story. I will call her, P.H.

She placed almost 25 years ago and she had a closed adoption and when her son turned 18. He found her. It was such an amazing story. Maybe I'll ask her to guest post for me sometime. Her story had me in tears.

I will tell you the part that stuck out to me the most. I was reading D&V's blog and they were posting some updates about Olivia and what she is into. They called her little mischievous. Which was me. Literally, everything that they listed is what I did when I was younger. Or so I was told.

She colors on the walls.
She unlocks doors and runs away.

That was me.

In P.H.'s story it just reminded me of that. She was saying about her birthson, "No one is going to know him like I do. They're not going to know how to comfort him or react to him, he's part me. I know me and he's part me. He has my personality and I get him."

She has had a relationship with him for 6 years. It's a good relationship for them. She says there are things that really make him and her butt heads just because they're so much alike.

I just have thought about, what if Olivia doesn't ever feel accepted a part of her family because she's adopted? I know her parents will let her know she's loved even if she's not their DNA. Yes, DNA is a big part- that's the whole reason why she's here. But DNA doesn't make a family. A mom, dad and brother and their love make them a family.

I want her to be able to come to me and say, I don't get this, can you help me? I feel like no one else gets me.

I want that. I want her to understand, I do get her. But that doesn't mean that no one loves her. Everyone loves her and they want to understand her. But they might not all understand or get her, on a level like I do. I may not be her mother, but I'm her birth mother.

I know I might not be able to comfort her when she falls and scraps her knee and physically be there to tell her I love her everyday and kiss her goodnight. But I know I will be there to comfort her emotionally when she needs help figuring out who she is, where she comes from. Even with an open adoption, a child can still have an identity crisis and not know who they are. They need that other part. "They need all the PIECES to have the PEACE."

P.H. said one other thing that I love- she wrote in her letter to her birthson that something to the extent, "I want to live right and I will live my life by making this the right decision." We have a choice to let every decision and every consequence make us or break us. Every person has that agency. Anyone is free to throw a pity party for themselves and blame whoever they want but ultimately, it was your choice.

Yeah, somedays it sucks for me and I want to throw myself a pity party but I know every night before I go to sleep. I have the comfort of knowing she's okay, she's safe and she's happy. And that's all I need to know.

I love group when I just feel the Spirit throughout the night that brings me to tears and gives me the chills, constantly. The nights of group that give me the simple reminder that I've made the right decision for my little girl.

We must carry this in our hearts, what we have is special. That it can be taken from us and that when it is taken from us, we will be tested. We will be tested to our very souls. It is these times, it is this pain, that allows us to look inside 
ourselves. - Friday Night Lights




P.S. I have like a million little picture quote things, I find them on Tumblr. Should I post all the ones I have on Facebook? :) Or make a blog with them? 

UBC Day 30

Finally! It's OVER! :)


Day 30 — 
Tell me: Your favorite song at this time last year 


I want to know: what you have learned, if anything, about yourself in the last 30 days. 
I learned that I'm determined to get things done. And that I like to blog when I'm in the mood to blog and I don't like to when I don't feel like it. Hm. Go figure. Haha.

Show  me A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

1. I got a new job
2.
3. I gave myself a new challenge to cook every night this week and I have :) 

UBC Day 29

Day 29 — 
Tell me: A song from your childhood
This was the Justin Bieber of my childhood.




Tell me Something you could never get tired of doing.
Baha. Drinking diet Pepsi ;) I'm not sure it will probably be being on the internet. Blogging, Facebook, whatever. There are times that I get bored and nothing has changed so I possibly hop on The Sims or play Halo. I currently started watching Friday Night Lights and I'm addicted. Half way through the first season :)

UBC Day 28

Day 28 — Write a letter to: Someone that changed your life
Dear Baby Doll,


I give you that nickname because that's what I was called when I was your age. You look like a beautiful little china doll. With your pretty porcelain skin (you get that from me). I hope one day that you can look in the mirror and be proud of where you get your pretty face and those beautiful eyes. I pray that you'll know me and that you'll know everything that I did for you. I pray that you will be proud of me and that you'll know it was the hardest thing I've ever done for you. I love you. I love you enough to give you everything that you deserve. You deserve a mom AND a dad. It's more like, you belong with them. They shared you with me. I was able to know your sweet spirit. I got to memorize your movements in my belly. I got to hold you when you first were born. Everyone was there to hear your first cry. We all loved you the minute you were born and don't ever think that we didn't. I prayed that you were going to be mine but I knew that wasn't the answer. You changed me in ways it's hard to explain. You helped me become a better person. You helped me find out who I was. You are my little angel in my life to guide me. I can't ever forget that kind of effect you've had on me. There are days that I wish things could be "normal" and I could be your mom and you could be my daughter. But don't think that means that I regret my decision. It just means I miss you. I miss holding you in my arms. I miss memorizing your little newborn face as you slept, hearing your sighs in your sleep. I could go on. But I still will think of you as my little girl. I will never forget you. There is a poem that I have on the wall in my living room. I want to share it with you. I didn't write it but I think it's beautiful and it reminds me of you, always.

My Little Butterfly

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

You were placed in my arms,

And I couldn’t help but cry.

You were so precious so beautiful.

I stared at you with pride.

Your hands so tiny,

Your eyes so bright.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And I knew it would be hard

To say goodbye.

I cried for you at night.

How could I let my

Little butterfly go?

Then I thought of the new world

You will see.

Of the loving parents that will

Take care of thee.

And I felt peace.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And no matter how hard it is,

I must say goodbye.

So, open your wings

And don’t be afraid to fly.

Fly away to a new life.

Where opportunities are

At every door.

And my love around every corner.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

But, quickly you left

To live your new life.

You’ll always be in my heart.

Your memory in my every thought.

Those tiny hands,

And bright eyes.

I will forever love you,

My Little Butterfly. © gina 2000

Tell me: A song that makes you feel guilty


I want to know: Say something to your 15 year old self.


Dear 15 year old self,
Don't fall in love with every boy that becomes your boyfriend. It doesn't last. You'll find the one that REALLY fights for you. Not pretends to fight for you just so he doesn't have to be lonely either. But proves to you that he wants to be with you every single day of your life. It might not come now but it will. You won't listen to me because I know me. I wouldn't listen to anybody at 15. I am going to do what I want when I want. But just know, you're going to put yourself through a lot of heartache. And it ain't pretty. You will cast your pearls before swine. Only to not feel special until years down the road. You're going to travel a journey that you're going to cry yourself to sleep every night and pray until you scream. You're going to give something that's so precious to you that it will tear your heart apart. Only to have it slowly mend back together. Even through the tears, you were given the peace. Your prayers were answered. Not all the boys are worth it but you'll find the one that is. It might not have been when you thought you'd find somebody when you were "ready" but God knew you were ready for him to come into your life and he's going to respect you and treat you like a queen. He's going to make you the happiest girl alive. He's going to make all of the past pain seem almost... worth it.

Tell me Your favorite movie.

If I ever am in the mood for a feel-good movie. This is usually the one that I turn on. If I had watched a sad or scary movie, I pop this in right after.

UBC Day 26/27

I decided to combine the two days just because I missed the one yesterday.


Day 26 — 
Tell me: A song that you can play on an instrument
This was back in the day when I took guitar lessons.


I want to know: About the last "random act of kindness" you encountered.
It's not anything too big but I thought it was really nice. This girl who's desk is like right next to mine at work and she was going to lunch and wanted a shake. I suggested the dubs and if she wanted to get me some food she could. And she did and she didn't want me to pay for it. I wanted to pay her back for it but she wouldn't let me. It was really nice.

Show me a photo of somewhere you've been to.

I've been to Nauvoo twice. Once before they built the temple and the second time after the temple was built for a family reunion. Kiddy corner to the temple is a hotel that we stayed at so pretty much we'd walk outside the temple would just be chillin' right there. hahah. This was barely after I graduated high school. The first time was when we were moving from Florida to Utah. If you go to Nauvoo and go to the hotel. There is a bench in front of the hotel that family had donated for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. :)

Day 27 — Write a letter to: The friendliest person you knew for only one day
How about I met him like a day ago? haha. Ben is a blogging soon to be birthfather. I drove to Salt Lake and we went to a little greek place called the Atlantic. We talked mostly about adoption. He's really so nice, funny and talkative. I liked having a conversation with him and to go back and reminisce and talk about adoption or where I was at the point where he was. That was on the 25th. So it was good for me to have that conversation even though I was like DEAD tired that day and I was a freak. But he's the bomb.com.

Tell me: A song that you wish you could play
MMMMM. Piano.


I want to know: The last thing that made you cry.
The 25th. The year and a half mark of placement. My heart hurt.

Show me  A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

Last Year

March 2011

A lot of things have changed since last year and today. Last year I was working at a greasy fast food place and now I work at a therapeutic boarding school, which I LOVE. I was still grieving over the loss of my best friend and with the adoption. It was a bittersweet time for me in my life. My relationship with God has grown stronger since last year. My church attendance since last year has been more frequent and I love it. I have learned that I'm heck of a lot stronger than I was last year. I can get through anything and I'm so determined to get things done. I probably would've told you last year that my identity was I was a birth mom. I know a lot more about myself and who I am than last year. I had to get through  everything to know who I really was.

UBC Day 25

Day 25 — Write a letter to: The person you know that is going through the worst of times


I'm just going to copy and paste something that I posted on my facebook a couple of days ago. I don't know like a specific person at the moment.


when you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through.


Tell me: A song that makes you laugh


I want to know: If you have tattoos, show them. If not, talk about the tattoos you want or why you don't think they are right for you.
I don't have any tattoos. In my rebellious stage I really wanted to get tattoos. A part of me would still like to get them if they weren't so illegal :P I wanted to get something on my foot. Or like Olivia's handprint or footprint or her name and birthdate in cursive on my shoulder blade. I wouldn't do anything tooooo crazy. Atleast, I don't thinkI would? haha.

Show me what's in your purse?

Empty propel- I already drank it today. Justin Bieber straw. Wallet. Blowpop sucker. Keys for work. Car keys. glasses. sunglasses. eye make up. foundation. and like 4 chapsticks and mascara. 

UBC Day 24

Day 24 — Write a letter to: The person that gave you your favorite memory


Oh gosh. I have two favorite memories.


The day Olivia was born.


My two favorite people gave me my two favorite memories. I love them with all of my heart!

This is what I got in the mail yesterday from Chi-Town.

Tell me: A song that you want to play at your funeral
That's if I die while I'm young.


I want to know: Your most guilty pleasure. Reveal it.
You should be ashamed if you didn't know this about me.

UBC Day 23

Day 23 —



I want to know: How much you love yourself. Write a love letter to yourself.


Hahaha. Oh gosh.


Well, Dear self,


You're awesome. You are a hardworker and determined. You know what you want and you strive for it. You are very personable and friendly. You try to get on everyone's good side. You don't like to hold grudges and forgive quickly. You're going to be a wonderful mother and did what was best for your little girl. You love her more than anything and she helps you through the dark times in your life. You're you and don't let anyone else tell you anything different. You're unique in your own way. Don't beat yourself up when you're not as outgoing as you want to be at times. Don't get discouraged if things don't turn out your way. You don't choose for them to break you. You choose them to make you. You're a strong person and you can do hard things.


Tell me 15 facts about you.


1. I turn 21 in a month and 3 days. Time for you to start planning on what you're getting me. :)
2. I have a kitty named Molly. She's a russian blue? I have a tendency of making all of my cats fat.
3. I love pictures. Take them, be in them, whatever. :) I'm probably addicted to Facebook and looking at everyone's pictures. I'm also addicted to reading blogs and books.
4. I've had 3 cats (Chloe=32 lbs, Jasper and Molly) and 1 dog (Angel). Many fish and hamsters in my lifetime as a pet owner.
5. I had 4 piercings. 2 in one ear. 1 in the other. the other piercing is disclosed information.
6. 
7. I placed a little girl for adoption and she's 18 months old, as of today.
8. I have blue eyes, freckles, red hair (currently with some blonde highlights) and fair skin.
9. I had braces for 4 years.
10. I was born in New York.
11. I've moved around a lot. I've lived in Virginia, Kansas, Washington and Florida.
12. I went to Anasazi (wilderness program) at age 17.
13. I love camping and hiking. I really want to go on a backpacking trip.
14. I like to believe I'm an insomniac. I have no problem with staying up until 4 AM.
15.I love my family. immediate, extended, you name it. I love you all!

UBC Day 22

Day 22 — Write a letter to: Someone you want to give a second chance to


Dear you,
you know who you are :)
Yeah, I know. Dumb letter.

Tell me: A song that you listen to when you’re sad


I want to know: Your deepest fear.


Driveby Shootings. I know, super lame. But it's a legit fear of mine.

Write A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.


Meh, I guess I wasn't hurt but it just irked me.


If you problem with something I say or post on Facebook (sorry for those of you that had to read all of what was said.), then you can use the block news feed from this person button. I won't be offended. I would rather not read your comments if you don't have anything nice to say or atleast something remotely funny sarcastic. Not something that makes you look like a smartass. Grow upppppp. It's facebook. No need to battle over it.

UBC Day 21

Day 21 — Write a letter to: Someone you judged by their first impression

Oh my gosh. This one is a hard one. I don't tend to judge people. I'm sure I did when I was younger like elementary school/junior high/high school. But I don't care anymore. I'm sure all the people I judged or thought were rude, mean, cheerleader, jock- they all turn out to be awesome people. It takes a lot for me to not like somebody or judge them wrongly. I try to get to know a person before I judge them.

Tell me: A song that you listen to when you’re happy



I want to know: A recipe.
This is legit one of my favorite desserts and I LOVE making it.
Caramel Brownies


Caramel mix:
1 pkg. caramels (14 oz.)
1/3 cup evaporated milk

Brownie mix:
1 devil's food cake mix
1/2 white cake mix
1/3 cup evaporated milk
3/4 cup melted margarine or butter
opt. 1/3 cup chopped pecans
6 oz. pkg. milk chocolate chips

1. Melt caramels and milk in the microwave (be careful not to burn, stir frequently).
2. Mix dry devil's food cake mix, 1/2 white cake mix, evaporated milk, and margarine.
3. Pat half of brownie mix into a 9X13-inch pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 6 minutes.
4. Sprinkle chocolate chips (and nuts) on cooked brownie mix. Spread caramel mix on top.
5. Crumble remaining brownie mix on top of the caramel mix. Bake at 350 degrees for 16-18 minutes.
6. Let cool and serve.
Show me A photo of something that makes you happy.

UBC Day 20

Yess.... 10 more posts until this is ALL done!


Day 20 — Write a letter to: The one that broke your heart the hardest
Dear you,
I hate admitting this because I've moved on but you know that sinking feeling in that chest. The name that makes you flinch every time you hear it. You all know that person who I'm talking about. The one that changed your life in a big way and they don't even know it. I prayed for a sign. I prayed that maybe someday that you would be led back to me but that's because that's what I WANTED. You were what I wanted. Not what I needed. I have what I need now. I just had to go through one hell of a heartbreak to see that. Parts of me wish I could forget it. Fast forward through my past but why would you want to when it changed you and made you the best person you are today? I know days I regret ever having a beginning with you knowing that there was an ending. And it wasn't pretty. But do you know what is? Our daughter. I would go through that heartbreak again and again knowing the outcome. She's here and I could never regret that. That little girl is half you and half me. I might've cried too much over you but I'm done crying. You deserve what you have. You have your own family and I have mine. I couldn't be happier. When the chapter of our relationship closed. A new one opened for me and it will never close. But I had to close that chapter to find it.I just want to thank you for helping me find who I really am and how strong I really can be. You pushed me in the right direction for my life and helped me get one step closer to my one true love. I wish you luck in your life now and nothing but the best.

Tell me: A song that you listen to when you’re angry
It's not so much an angry song. But it sort of tugs at my heart strings and I feel upset with  myself.


I want to know: A hobby of yours.
I enjoy video games. Yes, I'm a gamer. I don't know if you call that much of a hobby. But it's something different than blogging/reading blogs and hanging out on Facebook. I like to play the Sims (I currently have 8 kids and like 11 grandkids... yeah. awesome. it's what i do when i get baby hungry.). I also enjoy playing Halo and COD. I usually just play Zombies on COD. And I just like to play the multiplayer (SWAT) on Halo.

I want to know The meaning behind your blog name.

Well, previously my blog name was Stefanie Jinelle's Journey. It was just sort of my journey through my pregnancy and through adoption. 

UBC Day 19

Day 19 — Write a letter to: Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
I probably pester my own mind. Good and bad things. Sometimes I think about how awesome I am and then I think about how awful I am. It's sort of an ongoing battle in my brain. hahah. jk. I don't know. I'm just making this up as I go. How lame.

Tell me: A song from your favorite album
Katy Perry/Tyler Ward style. Boo ya.





I want to know: A talent of yours.
You're reading it, baby.

I want to see Another picture of yourself.

Just hanging out at work.

UBC Day 18

Day 18 — Write a letter to: The person that you wish you could be

Dear me I wish I could be,

I wish a lot of the time I could be more confident in what I do. It just takes time for me to warm up and to be in the groove of things then after a while I'm pretty comfortable. But a lot of the time, I will feel out of place. If I feel like I say something weird or repeat myself. I think about it constantly like, "Crap, I shouldn't have said that. Now I look like an idiot." I wish that it was just a natural ability for me but it's not. I can be pretty outgoing but if I feel out of place, I will kind of keep quiet and when it's the right time to say something, I will. I say it when it has meaning. I don't like talking just to hear myself talk (baha. wouldn't have ever guessed since I have a blog huh?).  So that's who I wish I could be in a nutshell.
Tell me: A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Anything by Tyler Ward or Julia Sheer. Feast on this ear candy. Apparently they hate each other now so they won't be doing anymore duets together. :( Or.... are they?

I want to know: About your best friend.

She's beautiful and my angel :)

I want to know Something you crave a lot.

Mint Oreo shakes. mmmmm.
I currently have one in my freezer and I might partake of it, in a minute.

UBC Day 17

Day 17 — Write a letter to: Someone from your childhood
Dear St. George,


I remember all the sleepovers. I remember all the "meeting in the middle" when you lived right across the street. I remember our love for Josie and the Pussycats and Romy and Michele's high school reunion. I remember all the laughs and hanging out in the doors during recess when it was cold outside. I remember the next summer you moved away and I tried to visit as often as I could or every summer. I miss you and all the memories we had. :)


Tell me: A song that you hear often on the radio



I want to know: An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) that is your favorite.

 Sidewalk art. Duh. Bombdotcom.

I want to see A photo of you and your family.

All six of us when RuthAnn came home from her mission, two years ago. Hopefully we'll have a more updated one in September when me and Tayler are sealed :)

UBC Day 16

Day 16 — Write a letter to: Someone that’s not in your state/country

Dear lovely people of Oregon (you know who you are),
I miss you. :) I miss all the late night talks. The dance parties. The Fred Meyer runs and finding cute boots and jeans. I miss all the picture taking. I hope to see you all again sooooon. Yep. This is short. I'm lame.



Tell me: A song that you used to love but now hate
I still love this song every once in a while. Just super overplayed a while back. So I guess I'm not much of a hater. Just have to be in the mood for it.

I want to know: A song that makes you cry (or nearly).

Show me Your celebrity crush.

I love everything about this.... mmmmmmmm.

UBC Day 15

Day 15 — Write a letter to: The person you miss the most


Dear the J's,
I was having a couple hard weeks where I just missed y'all insanely mucho. Just all of you. Being all in the same room and laughing. Catching up on life and playing Kingsburg (which we will need to do when you're out here!). I have missed all of your smiling faces and the warm, inviting, refreshing spirits you all have. You're just a breath of fresh air in my crazy muddled up life. Most days I wish you all lived close so we could hang out by a fireplace and drink hot cocoa in the middle of a snow storm in the cabin. Or have a picnic in a park. Just the simple things. I don't need a lot or something extravagant to spend a memory filled afternoon with you. I love you all and I'm excited to see you soon!

Tell me: A song that describes you
A song off of a Disney Channel movie. Camp Rock. I know. Ultra gay. But it's the only one I thought of. And I like this piano version of the song instead of the poppy version. I like both vocals.


I want to know: A poem you wrote.
I used to write A LOT of poetry growing up. Mostly in junior high I would always have a notebook on me.
I will show you two, a lot of my stuff was really depressing.

Sea Shore Pier.

By: Stefanie

Was it worth it all my dear?
Standing by that sea shore pier.
Letting the ocean swallow your tears,
And washing away your cares.

You had it with you and let it go,
Watching her walk right below.
Holding her arms and letting her cry,
Knowing you were in her arms makes you die.

Now it didn't last all that long,
And you thought it would make you strong.
You're ashamed of all of the wrongs,
And writing about her in your songs.

Can I make you forget it all?
And help you to make you stand tall?
But you won't let me come near,
Afraid it will all go unclear.

How come you remember the past?
And all the things that go by so fast?
If everything was worth it...
You wouldn't be throwing this fit.

So let the echo of the waves go by,
And remind yourself it was a living lie.
Let it all go, don't look behind,
Cause there is nothing left to find.

She won't run by your side anymore,
And she'll leave your mind more and more.
She's the one thing holding you back,
And not letting your life stay on track.

She's not worth the effort and time,
I'll be your partner in crime.
So when everything gets lonely,
I'll be your friend, your one and only. 

Anorexia.

By: Stefanie

Just looking into space,
at her dinner plates.

Nothing has been touched,
and shoulders in a hunch.

Found into the thoughts unknown,
Something that's never been told.

Looking in a reflection of glass,
it's not a sight you always pass.

She's too small for her clothes,
She can hear peoples hushed tones.

More tiny as days go by,
And all she does is let out a sigh.

Staying in a corner so dark and deep,
Is a place she plans to weep.

Lessons of how young girls die,
Cause no one wanted to hear their cry. 

Show me Something you don’t leave the house without.

UBC Day 14

Day 14 — Write a letter to: Someone you’ve drifted away from


It has definitely been a while and things with us in the past haven't been perfect. I think I was hurt because it was during a time when I needed someone the most and I felt judged by someone so close to me and that I've looked up to my entire life. I know we've been working on and trying to fix our relationship. I know someday it's repairable I just wish it could be now. But maybe my walls are up too high.

Tell me: A song that no one would expect you to love
Don't worry, I chose the clean version of this song. Atleast... I think I did.




I want to know: About the cuteness of your pets.

Right now, I'm currently in a fight with my cat, Molly. But, she gave me a scare. When I left for work Friday morning around 8. She ran out the door. She didn't come back until this afternoon. I'm concerned. I'm pretty sure she's pregnant. All of her innocence is gone forever. :( well... if anyone wants a kitten they will be born in May!


Here are the two possible fathers that were hanging around our door for an hour!

Possible Father Number 1

Possible Father Number 2

I want to know A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

My favorites are...


Lauren Alaina

Haley Reinhart

Scotty McCreery