Saturday, October 23, 2010

Vent: I'm A Mean Girl

I'm not somebody you want to cross paths with when I'm angry. Some people think I'm too nice when I'm mean but that's because I don't like to hurt peoples feelings. Maybe because I know an apology must follow afterwards. I don't like sitting in a state of regret and stubborness. I like to just put it all out there. Maybe because the one time I didn't apologize when I should've, I have to live with it. And maybe that regret will always follow me. You all should know who I'm talking about. There's not a day that goes by that I  miss my best friend. There's been a girl at work that has now starting to love to quote Dane Cook. He's a comedian. Me and Jessica would ALWAYS quote him. Ironically, the same things she was quoting were Jessica's favorite jokes. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her.

Anyway, that's not what I was here to talk about in the first place. I did want to talk about and vent how much I really don't like adoptive parents who don't follow through what they say they're going to do. I'm not talking about Dustinn and Val. They're doing a perfect job. Just lately, there is a girl that I know. She has always had issues with this family on and off. But that's because the family had promised her an open adoption and because of the adoptive parents own insecurities, they want to close up the adoption.

I think adoptive families have found their cheat sheet to get a baby fast and easy. By saying they're going to have an open adoption. This isn't the first girl that I've encountered with this sort of situation.

I am not writing any names for privacy purposes.

The names involved:
friend.
adopted child...ac.
birthmom...bm.
friends sister.
mean girl...mg.

My friend posted on her status: So apparently, I didn't "give them my baby, it was Heavenly Father and she was always meant to be theirs." That's what the adoptive dad said to my mom. Placing a child is hard enough but if they aren't going to be grateful for placing our children with them, they shouldn't adopt!

Adopted Child *I'm paraphrasing this part*: They are right, friend. This is all Heavenly Father's plan. You were meant to help them. I'm so grateful for my biological parents for giving me up to my new parents. I think that's what God wanted my real mom to do. Even though, my real mom (who is LDS and a bit crazy, hehe) I still love her. But I love my new family because I am sealed to them.

Friend: That's not right, AC. I gave them my child, not Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father gave me a child and I felt the promptings to place especially since I was not in the right place. So it was ME, not Heavenly Father. It was MY choice, she was MY baby, and I wanted to give her everything so I placed her on MY OWN TERMS.

Birthmom: @AC... I don't know your story and I am sure you LOVE your adoptive family and yes, you're sealed but don't assume that Heavenly Father just used us birth moms as a tool to bless another's life and devastate our own.

[Birthmom also wrote a status: Disappointed with a select genre of Adoptive couples right now.....WHY is it so hard for you to respect and honor the promises you gave your birthmoms before you got what YOU wanted. It's not hard to understand that we can't have PEACE without all the PIECES. We are not dumb. We know YOU'RE the MOM we just need peace.......so try and give it and maybe we'll leave you the HELL alone like you wanted all along.]

Friend's Sister: Yeah, seriously. AC, you place a baby then you can tell us who is right.

AC: @BM- I'm not assuming anything. I'm grateful to my biological parents. They gave me the best gift in the world- a loving family who raised me with the best of everything, because they weren't able to. Yes,  I'm sure it was a hard decision, that takes HUGE AMOUNTS of courage and I have major respect for mothers who made the decision to give up their child for a better life and that's just it- when you give up your child for adoption, the new parents then get to decide what is best for their child. Yes, I think it's unfair that, Friend, doesn't get to see her baby, but surely baby's new parents wouldn't be doing it out of hatred or bitterness. They probably think it's best for baby. I'm just speaking from experiences as to being in the adopted child's shoes. I didn't mean to upset anyone

@Friend's sister- That's the thing though- I would NEVER put myself in a situation where I'd have to play my baby up for adoption. I would NEVER bring a soul into this world unless I was 100% certain I could give him/her the best of everything. That's the beauty of living the Gospel though! :) Love and blessings to everyone- Smile <3

Mean Girl: Wow. A bit insensitive much? I understand that you would never put yourself in that situation but think about the girls who have been. Who have not intentionally put themselves there, the could be the girls you go to church with every Sunday and sit next to you everyday. Clearly, knowing Friend and BM and I'm sure Friend's sister and myself went through LDS Family Serivces. We also know the Gospel. But really? What's best for baby is not to see her own birthmom? You are just an adopted child. Never been a birthmom or an adoptive parent. I know you're entitled to your own opinion but you shouldn't enlist your own perspective unless you've been there. I'm sure someday when my daughter is older I will be grateful that she won't want to take the same path as I did. But everything you pointed out was almost a kick in the face. I'm sorry that us, birthmoms, didn't follow the path of righteousness which led us to a consequence. Everything we do has consequences. Good and bad. And luckily, we have the atonement and we can repent and learn from our mistakes. I'm sorry, us birthmoms, did everything we could to give you a good life and just for a little bit in return, we can spend some time and get to see the child we loved for and carried for 9 months and gave birth to. I'm sorry that's too much to ask for. If I were you, I just wouldn't comment anymore on this topic unless you're a little bit more educated in this subject.

AC: Those who have not intentionally put themselves in that kind of situation? The only exceptions are victims of rape. Everyone else INTENTIONALLY puts themselves in situations, whether or not you're willing to admit it. One, subconciously,  makes the decision to go to a party, drink, sleep with a random person, etc! Believe it or not, there are these things called morning-after pills that one can take to prevent pregnancy when one knows one is not ready to have a baby. One falls into temptation knowing full well what the consequences are, yet still follows through with it, why? For temporary pleasure? I'm nowhere near perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes... but you're right! What do I know? I'm just an "adopted child" who's feelings shouldn't be taken into consideration. It's only the birthmother's emotional state that should be accounted for. When I was growing up (which is the same kind of thing your daughter will go through) my birthmother visited me every month and it was always awkward. How can she give me up "out of love, because she didn't have enough money to raise me and at the time it was the right thing to do" and then expect to be part of my life? Like it was her God-given right to just visit me when she pleased? You want to talk about kicks in the face? Every one of my birthmother's visits was like a kick in the face. Here was a woman who carried me for 9 months, who was in labor for 3 days giving birth to me and the next day, she's signing ME away- HER creation. So what if she didn't have enough money to raise me? Nothing is impossible when one is willing to make things work. I would've been content with bread and water, as long as I knew that she loved me enough never to give me up. That wasn't the case though, so why would I want her to give me up, only to intrude in my new life? I already have a mother, I didn't need another one. You talk of education? Educate yourself with this: Your daughter is fine and is better off without you. :)"

I'm going to continue being the mean girl that I am because I'm in tears right now. I was in a lot of rage earlier. But what I've said was also hurtful. I would've never talked to Olivia like that. But because I am in my over protective state that I feel like I should be right. There I was being the smart-A that I am. I'm sure I deserved every single thing that was said. Or maybe I didn't, I don't know. But here I go, defending myself. One more time.

Please, don't use the words. "Giving up or gave away or put up." I did NONE of those things. I PLACED Olivia in the loving arms of a new mom. Those words cut like knives. It sounded like I had no soul and I didn't care one damn thing about Olivia and I care for her more than anything in this world. Those are the most negative words in the adoption world.


breaking down everything that ac said...

"Those who have not intentionally put themselves in that kind of situation? The only exceptions are victims of rape. Everyone else INTENTIONALLY puts themselves in situations, whether or not you're willing to admit it. One, subconciously,  makes the decision to go to a party, drink, sleep with a random person, etc! Believe it or not, there are these things called morning-after pills that one can take to prevent pregnancy when one knows one is not ready to have a baby. One falls into temptation knowing full well what the consequences are, yet still follows through with it, why? For temporary pleasure? I'm nowhere near perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes... but you're right!"

I knew everyting single thing I was doing back then. I never thought what I did was right in any moment in time. I never intentionally gave myself an unplanned pregnancy. Hence, UNPLANNED. It was never UNWANTED. I was completely sober when I was pregnant with Olivia. I took the right precautions and was on birth control. I'm sorry that I got an allergic reaction to penicillen and took antibiotics that cancelled out my birth control. I'm sorry that I thought I was being completely safe and I wasn't. Which I thought, the morning after pill was not needed. I had not been an active member in the Church since I was 15 years old. I wasn't thinking about temptations and things. It was something I became accustomed to. I knew what my consequences were if I were to follow this path and i was fully aware and I acknowledge it. I didn't go into it blindly thinking, "Oh, I will never have a baby from sex." I knew it could happen and I did what I could and I'm sorry that God has other plans for me.

"What do I know? I'm just an "adopted child" who's feelings shouldn't be taken into consideration. It's only the birthmother's emotional state that should be accounted for."

I know what I said was insensitive. I know that this whole process doesn't just effect the adoptive mom and the birth mom. It is always and was meant for the baby being involved. This is exactly what I didn't want. The baby to be thrown back and forth from family to family. But am I doing that now?

"When I was growing up (which is the same kind of thing your daughter will go through) my birthmother visited me every month and it was always awkward. How can she give me up "out of love, because she didn't have enough money to raise me and at the time it was the right thing to do" and then expect to be part of my life? Like it was her God-given right to just visit me when she pleased? You want to talk about kicks in the face? Every one of my birthmother's visits was like a kick in the face. Here was a woman who carried me for 9 months, who was in labor for 3 days giving birth to me and the next day, she's signing ME away- HER creation. So what if she didn't have enough money to raise me? Nothing is impossible when one is willing to make things work. I would've been content with bread and water, as long as I knew that she loved me enough never to give me up."

Oops. My bad. Let me just go back in time and fix this all up right? When you were talking about how you were so grateful for all these things about your birthparents placing your for adoption with this wonderful family. Where is all this gratefulness now? Now everything is our fault? Because we wanted what was best for you. Because we created you and broke our own heart to give you what you love most in your life? Your NEW family? That we can just be shoved under the rug because we lived our purpose in life we don't get anymore credibility than that? I'm sorry that you don't understand the love for a child and having to tear your own heart up and give up your own title as a mom to somebody else. That it didn't break us to our core and left us wounded, stranded, broken-hearted with the little bit of peace that we have left is that you're with a family that will take care of you. And that the other peace that we want is to know that it's been followed through and that you're the happiest that you could be. And we have to tell ourselves over and over again that it wasn't us that couldn't provide you that happiness- it had to be somebody else. Will you please tell me that wasn't enough? I think it takes a lot more love to break yourself then to keep yourself whole.

and think about it, your birthmom kept you alive. she couldve made the decision to have an abortion and we wouldnt be here having this conversation. clearly, she loved you enough to bring you into this world and give you this new life that you cherish.

"That wasn't the case though, so why would I want her to give me up, only to intrude in my new life? I already have a mother, I didn't need another one."

I'm sorry that you didn't want more people in your life to love you. Hello, double the presents at your birthday and christmas!

"You talk of education? Educate yourself with this: Your daughter is fine and is better off without you. :)"

My heart hurts too much to continue after that one and I can't continue typing looking at a blurred computer screen.

I'm confused.
I may or may not delete this.

21 comments:

  1. Oh, Stef, this breaks my heart for you. People can be so insensitive and rude. This makes me so angry... Love you, girl!

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  2. Don't delete it that girl is just naive and self righteous just like the adoptive couple and boy aren't we lucky that they swooped in and saved us from a life of certain treachery and disaster. I was abused and trapped in my situation by someone who was seemingly good. Too bad I didn't have miss Molly Mormons forsite to break free......i am sure she knows exactly what she is talking bout right since she has been there

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  3. I am so sorry Stef!! As an adopted child myself...it sounds like she is just bitter and confused about her adoption. She needs to come to terms with it. It can be confusing, and I had a hard time with it in jr. high...but who DOESN'T have a hard time with life as a thirteen year old!! I am eternally grateful for my birthmom's selflessness in wanting to give me the best life possible. I respect her so much for what she did for me! I do believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and He directs birthmoms to the family they need. Carrin definitely had the Spirit to get her to notice my parent's profile!! She is just upset because she is confused. You did the best thing for Olivia, there is no doubt about it in my mind! She is so beautiful and looks so stinking happy in all your pictures of her. And someday you and your cute new hubby will make some babies and you will be absolutely wonderful parents, and these trials will make you a better mommy for sure! I respect you SO STINKING MUCH for being a birthmom to Olivia!

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  4. That couple needs to be educated on adoption. Have you sent them the link to my "Cardinal Rules" post? http://queandbrittanysblog.blogspot.com/2010/07/cardinal-rules.html They need it.

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  5. even if you delete it i copied and pasted every word and saved it to my hard drive. so :P =)

    i may or may not use this as a post for further discussion on the bm4adopt blog. if i use it, youll know about it first.

    feel better, watch a funny movie or something. eat some junk.

    passion is a good thing, everyone in this convo has passion about their view on adoption.

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  6. I didn't like the last thing that person said I was already to explode but that just made me burst! "You talk of education? Educate yourself with this: Your daughter is fine and is better off without you. :)" Yes, Olivia is fine, but she will never be better off with out you! Stef I agree Olivia needs you in her life and you need her in yours, She looks so amazing in all the pictures you have of her! You made the most Selfless decision you ever made in your life and it was for Olivia not for you and not for anybody else! And of course we all know that! And I agree with Camille... Maybe that person hasn't come to terms with his/her adoption, and you are just fine, you deal with your own healing and progression, and your life and let that person deal with his/her life and leave them in the Lord's hands. The Lord will take care of that person, and let him take care of you. Look forward to what he might have in store for you especially since you are Married to the MOST AMAZING man you could ever marry! And that is all that matters, you're happy and Olivia's happy as well as other people you LOVE the most are happy and content and that is what matters! We all Love you Stef and we all Love hearing about Olivia and her wonderful family, your hubby, and others that you care about the most! :D Love ya Stef, you'll always be in my thoughts and prayers because I care for you and Love you as a friend! Here's a line for that friend and they can interpret it the best they can... It's from Coach Meyring. "Life is tough, but it's even tougher when you're stupid."(do what works in life) I know it's completely random, but it's one that makes us think and ask our selves "What's in it for me?" What can I do to help make life so much better? What can I do to help other's life better?

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  7. That girl was ONLY trying to get under your skin. She doesn't understand because it's apparant that she hasn't been through something herself that has helped her understand that EVERYONE makes mistakes. She is still one of those people that have a lot to learn. a LOT.

    Stefanie, Olivia is SOO Lucky to have you in her life. Don't listen to crap like hers. Dustinn and Val know that. Her birthmother probably wasn't as close to her adoptive parents as you. Open Adoptions are WAYY more common now. I can bet you that hers was nothing like ours. Don't listen to people like that. Seriously

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  8. wow! What an intense conversation I have not been that upset over adoption in a long time. I am so greatful for my adoptive parents they are the best! But that made me so angry that she just bashed on birthmoms all over. I am sorry stef! Your a great birth mom and Olivia loves you so much and I know she will love seeing you and be greatful of what you have done. I was bawling over the fact that she said that when her birthmom came she felt akward and everything about how she just gave her up and left like her birth mom didnt even care that she was placing her baby with another family. I feel like she needs to go to a post placement meeting or talk to her birthmom about what it was like for her the first year afther the placement and how hard it is to get through the day without wondering if it was the right thing to do but knowing it really was. Man I am emotional and need to calm down before I start saying mean things but I hope that this adopted child can find peace that her birthmother made the right choice and she can forgive her.

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  9. Wow this made me mad too!! Stef, those girls dont know what they are talking about because just like you said, they aren't birthmoms. You have all reason in the world to be upset, but please dont let what they said get to you. You know how you feel, and thats all that matters! Olivia is better off BECAUSE you are in her life. She will never have to wonder what her story is and whether or not you loved her. She will know! I feel sorry for these girls' negative feelings towards adoption.. but that is their problem, not yours. They clearly have things they need to work out on their own, and hopefully by you speaking out they can start on that. Good job !

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  10. *hug*
    I support the angry girl in you. Something AC may not understand is that adoption goes beyond financial stability... Most, if not all, birthmothers place for deeply spiritual reasons, too. Temple sealing... mom AND dad... those reasons are more important than financial stability. You placed for the best reasons. Olivia is so blessed to have been brought into this world by you. She is also blessed that you felt the prompting to place with her mom and dad... who adore you. Don't let AC get to you. She truly doesn't understand, and likely never will. Be it good or bad, some people will never understand the heartache and self-sacrifice that goes into placing.
    You're amazing.

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  11. hello.
    i just flipped a bitch. and i am now in the process opening a can of virtual woop-ass all over these people.
    you are beautiful and successful and i love you with my whole freaking heart. There's nothing that i could say to discount what this lady said to you. Legit, nothing is gonna make it better.
    But just so you know, it's people like that who the lord is gonna have words with. It's not their place to tell you how the lord feels. It's not their place to interpret how the lord intended things to be, or to discount the heartache that comes from placing your child for adoption, REGARDLESS of whether or not it was for the best.
    You are beautiful and you made a hard decision. But, the decision was YOURS. This person isn't in a place to tell you anything. Seriously.
    I'll cut her.
    Also, just so we're clear. everybody makes mistakes. And I can tell you in full confidence that people who judge others on their mistakes and discredit them their struggles will be the ones who have some explaining to do when they meet their maker.

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  12. Yikes. Sending big hugs to you! You are amazing and did an amazing thing. Olivia is so lucky to have you and be a part of your life!
    Shelby

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  13. Obviously, neither of you are completely "in the right", but the last thing she said was WAY over the line. I love how she went from saying how much she appreciated her birth mother to basically complaining that her birth mom was a part of her life. Ridiculous. She obviously has some serious issues she needs to work on.

    Though this has made me promise myself to always try and talk to adoptees the way I would my son. If I wouldn't say it to him, I probably shouldn't say it to them.

    Thanks for posting this!

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  14. Also, whoever it was that commented about never putting themselves in a situation where they would have to place a child for adoption is a self righteous b*tch. Way to turn people off of religion. Sheesh, I would I could slap that little brat.
    Ok, rant over :)

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  15. Oh Stefanie, this makes me so sad. I'm so grateful for your courage to place Olivia with Dustinn and Val. My life, Amelia's life, my family, and so many other lives are better for it!

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  16. Wow! First of all, I agree with birthMOM. Passion is good, but hurting others while expressing it is not. Olivia is a beautiful baby and Stephanie, you are just ONE of my many heros!!! I can't think of ANYTHING in this world more self-LESS than placing your baby in a loving home, knowing her life will be different. I say "different" not BETTER - b/c obvioulsy, that child is loved first and foremost by her birthmom...But I say "different" as in the kind of different we ALL WANT for those we love...stability and prosperity, education, parents with experience on their side...and so on. I have read your post over and over b/c I have the opposite problem. I WANT open adoptions. Zachy's birth parents DON'T...NOT b/c they don't love him, but b/c they love him soooooo much it hurts and at this time, they can't handle it. I respect that, but it's so hard for me. I want them to see how beautiful and wonderful he is and how much he looks like them and how much we love them! In God's time though...I am slowly speaking to Lydia's birthmom, but that is a very different situation. I have to make sure we are safe and it will not be detrimental to Lydia. There are a lot of drugs and crime and prison stints in her bio family and they are also local. It's a fine line... Anyhow... thanks for sharing this. You are an incredible birthmom to Olivia and I am always praying for you!! :)

    BTW - the couple that suddenly wants a closed adoption...well, that just makes me sick!

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  17. well I do think you and AC both said things you didn't mean when you were upset.
    that was AC's personal experience with her adoption.
    she just felt that way.
    however she should not generalize it to your experience.
    there are a few scenarios like Katie listed one where relationship with birthparent can be dangerous for the child.
    that is not at all your situation. sounds like olivia and her family are great.

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  18. @not just a birthmom. The ac also said the never putting themselves in that situation. Sorry for making this blog post so confusing.

    Thanks everyone. It was pretty tough to read. But I know every adoption is different. Olivia will be educated by her wonderful parents who she is and who I am. I'm just nervous for the future because I don't know. I don't want her to feel awkward when I visit. Or sometime in the future she decides she doesn't want me in her life. I kno I would respect her decision. Its just tough.

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  19. You're amazing Stefanie. Confusing or not I love reading your posts.

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  20. I am so sorry that people can say such hateful words. Our family have nothing but love and respect for birth parents. In our little family, it was the help of Heavenly Father and our daughter's wonderful birth parents that made our family the family that it is today. I would not change it for anything. Our loving Heavenly Father knew how it would all work out and these beautiful babies just came a different way down to earth.....all of you brave birth mom's out there loved and took care of these sweet babies for 9 long months and then put the love of these sweet babies before anything else. Then you lovingly placed them into our arms. A big thank you to our daughter's birth parents and to other birth parents like you for having so much love for these babies.

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  21. My husband and I have an open adoption with our birth mom and we love her very much. We feel it is important for our son to know about his birth mom and to get to know her as well. But on the other hand...we have come to find out the we have been lied over and over again about important things and small things for the past three years from the birth mom and there has been a total lack of respect from her and the birth family to us as well. We are eternally grateful that she placed her child in our arms but what that gratitude means to our birth family is that they can say, do and treat us however ever they want and we have to just take it because we are grateful. They have told us that we would have nothing without them and that we owe them. My question is do you feel that your adoptive couple owes you for their rest of your life? And what does that mean to you. We know that we wouldn't have our son if it wasn't for her but when they want to use our gratitude as a form of blackmail...then what??? I love reading your blog because it seems to be a healthy relationship on both sides and it gives us hope that one day we can have that too. I found that as I read this post I sided with the adoptive family because in our journey with our birth mom we have had a few times that we have decided that it wasn't a good environment for our son to be in. During those times we were slammed by her on facebook and blogs alike...of course she never said why we decided the visits shouldn't happen...just that we were these horrible people. Now whenever I read anything I always try to remember that there are two sides to every story and that no one is perfect!

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