So you know how I've posted that I've been overwhelmed and full of stress lately? It seriously has taken a huge toll on my attitude. It's not just me that has noticed that. I've been more irritated or annoyed that I just sort of snap back. I finally just had a giant breakdown last night. And you know,
(gahhhhhhhh just tearing up as I think about it) the outcome of it was a huge spiritual experience for me.
Just mountains of stress has been built upon me and I felt so bad because I kind of just talked to Tayler until about 2 last night and he had to get up at 5 this morning for work. I apologized for it and he said that he'd do anything for me. So sweet :)
After telling him how I felt, I still felt this heaviness about me. That talking about it just wasn't going to make it better.
I'll make a list of my stress for you:
1. Job- I have a job currently. Yes, it pays the bills. But I find myself living pay check to pay check and I'm trying to look for a job right now as a dental assistant since I finished school. I have probably turned in about 35 resumes in areas such as, Eagle Mountain, Saratoga Springs, Lehi, and American Fork. I have had 2 offices call me back for interviews and both have hired someone else. I'm genuinely worried that I'm going to get married and still not have a job. That I'll just be poor forever and Tayler is going to hate me for being this horrible person.
2. In-Laws- I've been trying to avoid this one for a while to blog about it. But ever since Tayler has told his mom that we are having a civil marriage. She has decided that I'm not good enough for Tayler. That I am now the scum of the earth. That I don't even deserve to be acknoweledged in her home. It's insane. Tayler will tell me everything that his mom says to him about me and a part of me wants to tear her to pieces because I feel like a lot of it is hypocritical. She uses the excuse that I had a baby that I'm not ready to get married. She will point out all of this bad stuff about me to him. I'm like, are you kidding? How old are we? You can't talk to me like an adult? Do I have to talk to you like we're in high school? A part of me really just wants to sit down and talk to them and tell them who I am. Tayler and I have been together probably around 8 months ish. And his family still says that they feel like I don't know me. Tayler did give them a link to one of my blogs and his grandma read it and loved it. And she's willing to give me another chance and I appreciate it. But it's so hard to feel welcomed in his home or be welcomed in his family. I mean, his mom is going to be my mother in-law, the grandmother of our children, and she just acts like if I'm not in the picture that I'm just going to go away. I just don't know what to do to be a "good" daughter in-law. To be someone that his mom approves of him marrying. She DID like me before. I can tell you that. She didn't have a problem talking to me or giving me hugs. And it's sort of declined to that she won't even acknowledge that I'm there or my existence. That my name is like a swear word in her house. Ha. I don't know. I just wish things were better and that she'd get to know me rather than jump the gun and place a label on me that I'm unfit. How does that make me feel? Not very good about myself that's for sure.
3- Friends. This one is a very tough one for me. For some reason lately, friends just tend to walk in and out of my life like it's no big deal. That I'm not getting affected by it. I'm like, oh that's chill. It's hard for me because I'm PAINFULLY trying to find my place with a best friend. I almost feel like I'm trying to find a replacement-Jessica. Tayler tells me all the time that I'll find a friend just like her. But I don't think how much he understands that that will probably never happen in this lifetime. Jessica was just this light in my life. We had our tough times, sure. But you know, that will never take away all the times that she had been there. All the times that I needed advice or someone to just make fun of someone with me. It's been hecka hard. I hang out with friends, sure. But Jessica and I were so much alike. That we laugh at our own stupid jokes or sarcasm. We had the same kind of humor and it's just difficult. I'll probably do my jokes or sarcasm infront of others and it probably isn't as funny. I miss that about her, just laughing, making jokes all the time. I seriously feltl ike she had it all. I wanted to be her most of the time, she'd always be friends with all these hot guys, she was unbelievably beautiful, and funny. In my eyes, if I were a boy, she'd be my dream girl. AAAAAA. Gay. I sounded like a total lesbian. And she'd totally laugh at that moment. She'd probably say something like, yeah. that was pretty lesbo. I just sat there and cried last night that I wasn't ever going to be a good enough friend to anyone. She's like my example that I will never find a friend like her. I know I have many friends, some I consider best friends, but I don't think anyone could ever replace that.
So a lot of it is just money issues and some wedding stress. You know, so much to get done. But I'm having fun doing it. Each and everything we do I get more and more excited to be married.
Last night, just wasn't a very good night for me. I just had a lot on my mind. I was at work and of corse, we got screwed the last hour of work and so it's awesome when you have some people that you work with that don't help you. But I love Mccall. She usually makes me feel sane when I'm there. I was giving Mccall a ride home and we were just sitting in her parking lot. And somehow we got on the topic of Mormons in Utah. You know, I haven't lived in Utah all of my life, contrary to popular belief. I have grown up half of my life outside of Utah. I've known people from other states while living in Utah. I just have a strong belief that yeah, most Mormons are "jack" Mormons. That they are the Mormons that are Mormons on Sunday but do whatever the hell they want every other day of the week. Or the Mormons who will point their fingers at others when there is 3 of them pointing right back at them. You can point out someone's sin but you have sins of your own. As much as you want to believe you lead this picture perfect life for your audience but I'm almost positive that you have a closet full of skeletons and everyone knows it.
"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers... make sure your hands are clean."- Bob Marley
I'm sure I've been at fault with that sometimes. But I've NEVER once lied to my Bishop about stuff. I'll say it, I haven't owned a temple recommend in 5 years. Because I know, personally, I'm not ready yet. I'm not worthy yet to go through those doors. I'd rather be damned as a sinner than damned as a liar at the judgment day. I would not want to go inside the Temple unless I was fully worthy and clean to be there instead of have the guilty conscience on my mind thinking, "Should I be here? Am I allowed to be here? I haven't fully confessed." Duh. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves? If you even have to ask yourself that then you should probably get that worked out.
That's why it was so hard for me to believe I could find a good guy in Utah. I'll tell you, that I've been with a RM and we did things that he probably shouldn't have done. It wasn't ANY force on me. It was more he was forcing me to do stuff with him. Which was ridiculous. I talk to friends and they tell me what she and her boyfriend did the night before. But in the moment, he was getting his temple recommend interview. I'm like, really? Can he even have a temple recommend? I guess everyone in Utah isn't reading the same guidelines as everyone else. Right? I know it's not just "Utah Mormons" and I know some of you may believe I'm a textbook hypocrite. But I'm taking my own path to get on the right one.
What makes me even made sometimes is that I feel like, a certain friend of mine, that I had to always be on the same path as her. That we all had to be on this righteous path and she is our righteous leader and we're her followers. I'm like, uh, no. That's not how I work. I do my OWN repentance process. I may have some slip ups on the way. But I'm not some Mormon clone either. I went to a friend's homecoming and this kid is HECKA funny. We were worried that when he came home that he wouldn't be the same that he'd be this weird RM. But he totally hadn't changed. And probably what he said in his talk will stick with me for a long time. I'll use my name.
I first didn't know who I was and who I was supposed to be in the beginning of my mission. In the beginning, I was still Stefanie That funny girl, that wild child. Then I started thinking, maybe I need to be more missionary like, I became this uptight, everything needs to be done in this order, very unhappy Sister Stefanie. Then I didn't want to live my whole mission not being who I was. So I had to incorporate who I was in the Gospel and not lose sight of who I really am. So I was Stefanie wearing the Sister Stefanie badge.
I don't want to lose sight of who I am and who I've become. I don't realize how far I have really come in all of this. From this out of control girl to this girl who has made a few mistakes but does every day to try do to better and learn from them. I think I'm doing my best and that's all the Lord asks for. I want to have the Gospel in my life and be that spiritual person everyday and I feel like I'm taking the right steps together. Slowly, but surely. Making sure I don't take this road for granted or skip a few steps and not be ready for it.
As I continue the night, I come home fairly late. And my mom wanted to talk to me about taking my sister to school this morning. Because the car that I usually use to drive to Idaho has broken down. You know, the two days that I use the car. It's automatically MY fault that it's broken and that I didn't check the oil. Whoa. I'm sorry?? It's okay. I guess that's what I'm used to in the family is being the giant screw up. So if anything else goes wrong the blame goes to me right? So I had to drive my sister to school. You know, my mom texted me and asked me if I could drive her to her boyfriends house after school since she's leaving for Oregon tomorrow. I was still sort of irritated. I was going to ask her a question and she wouldn't let me get ONE word in. It was like she had a word vomit of how horrible of a sister I am. That I can't do one nice thing for anyone in this house and that I'm pretty much selfish. Ouch. Thanks, mom. That's really what I needed to hear tonight. All I wanted to ask is if her boyfriend's parents could maybe pick her up every once in a while. But nope, it's my fault for breaking down the other car so I have to drive her everywhere. Awesome.
So that's where my thought process stemmed. That I'm never going to be a good enough daughter, a good enough worker, a good enough daughter in-law, a good enough sister, a good enough wife. I was just ready to be done and be even more angry with everyone and myself. I was telling Tayler and he said, you know. You should probably pray. He's also a very good listener. I promised him I would. I wasn't tired so I went back upstairs and watched the Bachelorette on my DVR.
(I probably have insomnia. I can't go to sleep until about 3 or 4 in the morning) So at about 3:30 in the morning I went back to bed. And I remembered that I needed to pray. I got on my knees and said the most sincerest prayer. Asking for guidance and thanking him for so many things in my life. Including Tayler. Asking him for help if at all possible. I'm just pleading and crying out for help. Something I probably hadn't done since Olivia's placement. I've had people say, "you can do hard things. You are a strong person." I didn't want to be strong. I had been strong for so long that I had become this person that didn't feel anything but anger because I couldn't get everything out. I wanted to break down and let people know I'm human. I am who I am and nothing will change that. And yeah, placing Olivia for adoption was the hardest thing I probably will ever do. But it's not like every hard trial in my life I compare it to placing my daughter for adoption. Because I could be completely irrelevant to what I'm going through. The pain and the suffering that I went through with that is locked in a part of my brain that I hope NEVER comes back. So each moment that I'm given, I don't say to myself, "Well, I can do anything. I had given up the best thing that has happened to me." I could use it as motivation. But, I treat ever trial differently when it comes my way. I really don't ever want to feel that pain again. I feel as though I'm doing what I can for myself to make things maybe a little bit better and a little bit easier to get to where I want.
I hope that tangent all makes sense.
After my prayer, that heaviness that I felt earlier. I felt that it was gone. For some reason, it felt like I was on this holy ground and that God was in the next room. It sort of creeped me out because the light was on in the next room and I thought I had turned it off. I'm like, great. Now I'm being greeted by a spiritual being. That's how I need to end this night. Perfect. Haha.
I realized for myself what I need to do to get on the right path. Who am I? I'll tell you. I hate being told what to do. I want to learn things my own way. I'm sure that's probably the stubborn side of me but I want to learn for myself. I don't want anyone to take my burden or trials from me. I'm sure there is one person that would love to and who has and that's Jesus Christ. He's my Savior. And He has helped me through SO much. And in my prayer, I told him that I felt like I needed to do it on my own. No one should ever have to go through anything alone. You will always have a best friend. You just need to get on your knees and pray. He's willing to listen and do what He can to help you through anything. Don't take that for granted and don't feel like you're a burden to Him. You're His child and He's willing to listen. :)
Sorry this long and none of it probably made any sense. But I hope it helps some of you along the way.
Also, can I please just tell you how perfect Tayler is? I appreciate everything he does. And how willing he is to just stand by my side and help me through everything. I'm sure that my break downs aren't any fun for him. Haha. I'm looking back through my text that I sent him last night before I went to bed. I think I told you that I watched the Bachelorette last night. I'm a total goof.
I sent, "Hi baby. I'm just getting in bed right now. But I just wanted to tell you good night and thank you for not giving up on me. I was watching my show and I realize how lucky I am to have found you. I didn't need to go on a TV show to find love. You're right in front of me and you're going to be the most perfect husband on the planet. I love you with all of my heart. You're the greatest."
He sent me this, this morning (I love morning texts especially these sweet ones), "Good morning baby I hope you slept well. Thank you for the text last night. I know that you are perfect for me and I know you will be an amazing mom of my kids. I love you. Don't ever give up sweetie."
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.
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