Day 3: Olivia 6 Months Old

So a lot of people have been asking me about Olivia being sealed to Dustinn and Valery. How I feel about it. Being sealed is a sacred ordinance in the LDS Church that happens in the temple. Being sealed means that she will be with them as an eternal family. That their relationship as father/mother/daughter will move on in the next life after they pass. You know, "Until Death Do You Part?" How awesome is it that we now have this knowledge in our Church that we don't have to be afraid of that? That we can be sealed to our husband/wife. Mother/father. Son/daughter. Sister/brother. We can be with them FOREVER.

The temple and that specific ordinance has been a big testimony builder for me. I always knew growing up that I needed to be sealed in the temple to be able to be with my husband forever. I guess I was just never taught how I need to live my life in order to have that. I know that it should be common sense. But I believe that a lot of the topics are hush, hush. That sex before marriage shouldn't happen. That it's meant for inside the bonds of marriage. I didn't understand that WHY it should only be that. I feel if I knew why then I would appreciate that time. Now, Tayler obviously knows he's not the first boy that's going to see me naked on my wedding night. And that hurts. But I know through the atonement and repentance, I'm able to return to purity and that it'll be a special night and that we waited for that moment to give that special part of ourselves to each other.

You remember this post? And how upset I was? I'll go into a little bit more depth since I'm now engaged. I was sort of waiting on that. Usually the finalization in adoption happens when the baby is 6 months old. D&V were told that they could possibly have to wait 8 months to a year because of the Virginia agency.

Well, the e-mailed me saying that they would update me and let me know about being sealed and the finalization because they were thinking it was going to happen in March when Olivia was 6 months old. Then I found out from my bishop that I could be married in the temple in August. I was SO stoked to tell D&V that. And to actually be able to be at the sealing. I'm not sure a lot of birth moms would be able to say that they were there. I think it'd be a neat experience.

I'm not too upset over it at the moment. You know, this is what I wanted for Olivia. For her to have a family who has an actual dad who is COMMITTED to being her dad. And not this wishy washy-I don't know if I'm going to be there- I'll fight for custody if you parent her- guy. And a stay at home mom. I wouldn't have been able to do that. I mean, the birth father, if he wasn't committed to me, what makes you think he'd be committed to child support, or even to his own child. I know that sounds rude of me. But let's be honest. Well, I always am.

Anyway, in the e-mail they said they would update me. And then I got on their blog and how they were excited to have the adoption finalized and being sealed in March. It KILLED me inside. I was thinking, "This is your way of updating me?"

I really don't meant to bring this up to arise old feelings. I'm over it. Honestly. It was a lot of just misunderstanding. The adoption finalizing with the courts and the sealing are TWO different things. I associated them as the same thing. Val had written the post before she found out about me being able to go to the temple in August. That they really WERE thinking about waiting for the sealing to be done.

More about the "Killed me inside" part. I was going to include. That a part of me sort of died when placing Olivia. I definitely felt like I failed as a mother. That legally she wasn't mine anymore. Now, I have no idea how I'll react to her being sealed to another woman who is supposed to be her mother. Will another part of me die? Will I also feel like I failed then that I couldn't have just given Olivia that in the first place if I just waited until I was married in the temple? But I know I had to gain a lot of testimony of temples and knowing that's what I needed to do when I was pregnant with Olivia and after placement. I think if I didn't have her, I'd probably would still be living my life without the gospel in it. Not really caring about the temple. Sadly, something that dramatic had to change me and had to push me in the right direction. But I've been the most happy being at Church and at Institute. And hopefully soon being able to go through the Temple.

The conclusion has come to. They are going to wait. They are hoping for July 24th, their family will be out here. And I hope I'll receive my endowments by then. Tayler and I are looking at August 7. So July 24 is two weeks before. You know, I feel good about it. I always have. I think what upset me before was the way that I found out... or got confused about finding out. It wouldn't have bothered me if it was straight out said that they didn't want me there. But they didn't say that. They said they'll update me. I guess I'm saying to other couples. If you're thinking of doing something that's pretty serious. Let the birth mom know before the whole world knows. We want to feel like we're significant enough to be in your life and you ARE grateful.

Val texted me today and asked me how I was doing because it was the 6 month mark and that sometimes those month marks could be hard. 6 months is a HUGE milestone I think.

I told her I was doing fine and that it's just crazy that half a year has gone by.

She said, "Definitely crazy. Thank you for these 6 months. :)"

Totally sweet right? What birth mom doesn't want to hear thank you for giving us this little life that has completed our family? Without you we wouldn't be complete. Yeah. Total cheese. But it's that stuff that melts our hearts and we know our babies are in perfect hands.

What I'm trying to get at here. Olivia is going to be sealed who she's supposed to be sealed to. I'm going to be sealed to who I'm supposed to be sealed to. The whole point of placing her for adoption is so Olivia can be reunited with her family by the sealing power of the temple. I don't know if I could live with myself if I denied that special blessing to her.

P.S. This is the birth of my blog. A year ago today. Crazy right? A year ago today I was 3 months pregnant.

Day 2

Meh, I've been SO busy.

I'll tell you what's been going on. I'm now working two jobs. I work Monday-Thursday (Sometimes Friday) at a dental office during the day. Then I work some nights at JCW's. Mostly Friday and Saturday nights. Working two jobs is time consuming.

I work 8-3 everyday. It's Monday night and guess what? Gossip Girl Season 3 has started up again a few weeks ago and it's on tonight. It's my favorite show of ALL time.

:)

I had to go in for a doctor's appointment last week to get another pap smear. My last one I found out I had abnormal cells/precancerous cells. I was feeling really okay with this pap smear. The last one I was kind of freaking out. I didn't feel like anything was wrong this time. And they called today and told me that I had nothing. But they want me to do another in 3 months, just in case this one was a fluke.

On Saturday, I went out to Chili's with two girls from work and right after we went and saw Remember Me with Robert Pattinson.

MMMMM.

I really liked this movie. A LOT. It had a very unpredictable ending. I like movies like that.

And Robert Pattinson wasn't this awkward manchild like he is in Twilight.

Speaking of Twilight, I did indeed purchase my copy of New Moon. I have yet to watch it. I bought the holographic case so you can choose which side you're on, Edward or Jacob.

Tomorrow, my friend Kristy who moved out to Virginia a few months ago is moving back to Utah. Kristy and I dated the same boy in high school (9th grade for me. 10th grade for her). Me, Kristy, and Nic went to Idaho right before me and Nic broke up. So that way Kristy could see her (ex)boyfriend who lived up there. I can't wait to see her again. :)

Olivia will be 6 months old, TOMORROW.

P.S. If you have any ideas for me to blog about. Topics of some sorts you want me to blog about. Tell me in my comments or my formspring. It's hard to think of stuff especially stuff for 14 days straight. Thanks :)

Zee Dress

I totally purchased this dress (well, my mom did) a month ago. I went to a bridal fair and I had tried on dresses probably the week before with Alyssa. I decided that was the one. At the bridal fair I saw it, and I pointed out that was the dress. And the lady said, "Good thing you got it. It's a pretty popular dress and has been going out pretty fast."

My heart dropped.

I called my mom ASAP and told her we had to go to Allyse's Bridal and get it.

We also got the veil and we're planning on getting a sparkly headband with it.

I'm SO excited.

I'm even more excited. We just put our deposit down on our photographer, yesterday. I've talked with her maybe two weeks before Tayler proposed. She has some awesome ideas and I can't wait for them to come to life.

I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking that this is actually happening. You totally just DREAM of this moment since you're a little girl and it's happening before your eyes.

I still can't even believe it's been two weeks exactly since I've been engaged. But that's because I've had a lot going on. Jessica passed away a few hours after Tayler had proposed. And yeah. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. The one minute I want to be selfish and happy for myself, I remember Jessica and how I should mourn over losing my best friend.

I mourn over thinking that I can't have her be at my wedding. But I know she'll be inside the temple and by my side as she should be on my wedding day. I think about how I could've been there for her on her wedding day if she was still here.

Tayler does get a little upset that I can't take the time to enjoy being engaged. I try really hard. I do like being engaged. It's probably the best feeling in the world knowing that I'm going to be with my best friend for the rest of my life and through eternity. It's just bittersweet. Really.

I do have my times where I get excited with all of the planning and happy to be with Tayler. Don't get me wrong. I just don't know how to explain it.

Yes, I'm happy.

Yes, I look AWESOME in that dress.

Yes, I can't wait to be with Tayler forever. :)

Oh P.S. You'll be hearing from me a lot more. RuthAnn is doing a school project about people writing in their journals everyday for two weeks. Blogs count. So. You'll get to enjoy the next 14 days of blogs from ME.

Suicide

This is for all the insensitive people out there, that just don't get it. I'm not going to go into some gruesome details of Jessica's death. Only those who were close to her need to know. Other than that, it causes drama. If you don't believe me, will you please take a look at my inbox and ask me how many people ask me how she died. How they don't understand why she would do that. No one HAS to understand suicide. We're not that person. I'm sure you all figured it out that she took her own life. Good for you Sherlock Holmes, are you proud of yourself now?

A person asked me on my Formspring, "I think a lot of readers have come to the conclusion that Jessica took her own life. In retrospect, did you see any warning signs that the rest of us could watch for? She seemed so beautiful and happy."

Listen, Jessica was happy. She just had a lot of stuff that she was handling on the inside. Not a lot of us get that, people who are depressed will put on a front. Until you really get to know a person how messed up their lives were. She was the only person that knew me, inside and out. You have a best friend like that? Think about how much that SUCKS losing someone like that. I have Tayler. He knows me- he's a best friend to me. But Jessica and I had this bond. We went through a lot of the same things.

Did you know that I attempted suicide when I was 16? Guess not huh? Do you see where I am now? Yes, you can turn your life around when you're depressed. I was diagnosed with severe depression. You think I was going to let one little diagnosis let me down? Heck no. I did for a bit. I did drugs, I did whatever I could to make myself happy. But I couldn't do it by myself. I turned to God.

Jessica had a beautiful testimony. The past 4 months of her life it grew so much. But it wasn't enough to save her.

I actually met Jessica at a psych ward. She and I attempted suicide. This wasn't a one time thing for her as it was for me. That experience changed me. But she had a lot more than just depression. She also had a ton of chemical imbalances in her brain. She had a lot to do with living in the moment, then thinking about the consequences. As most teens have that chemical imbalance for a while. ;)

I guess what I said really bothered a lot of people. I said, "We all saw it and tried to help her. No one could save her in time. It was her time to go."

I got questions such as,

"How can you say it was her time to go? She was only 17!!!"

"Are you freakin' kidding me?! How was it her time to go? God is supposed to decide that not her!"

This is A LOT of the reason why I didn't go around telling everyone that Jessica took her own life. Everyone blows it out of proportion and doesn't understand. I'm not about to explain myself and how right suicide is. It's not right at all. I'm sure if Jessica was here right now, she'd even tell you it wasn't the best decision.

It was God's choice for to be brought to his Earth. It's God's choice to take her out of it. This may not have been the ideal situation for people to leave this Earth. But are car accidents ideal? If someone is driving on the wrong side of the road late at night and hits you and kills you. Do you think God wouldn't know if that was going to happen to you? Is he looking down from Heaven and going to damn you and say, "IT WASN'T YOUR TIME TO GO?! HOW COULD YOU LET THAT MAN HIT YOU AND KILL YOU?! IT WASN'T YOUR TIME TO GO!"

Sounds silly right?

Jessica's mom mentioned in her talk at the funeral that she always knew when Jessica would attempt something like that. The Spirit would prompt her to help her in time. But this time, she got no prompting. She explains that she was upset for a minute at God for not letting her save her and the answer she got was, "You weren't supposed to save her. God was supposed to save her this time."

Me and Jessica's boyfriend were talking about this and he said, "Well, she took things into her own hands but God isn't required to save someone who choses that. But it's definitely best that she moved on."

I think if God really wanted her to live through this, He would've.

I found this talk by Elder M. Russell Ballard: Suicide: Some Things We Know, And Some We Don't.

Here are some quotes from that talk:

The feelings expressed then by those family members are commonly felt by Latter-day Saints trying to cope with the suicide of a loved one or friend. The anguish and uncertainty they experience are extremely painful and difficult.

Sadly, the problem touches many lives. Unfortunately, the problem also exists among members of the Church as well as non-members.

The act of taking one’s life is truly a tragedy because this single act leaves so many victims: first the one who dies, then the dozens of others—family and friends—who are left behind, some to face years of deep pain and confusion. The living victims struggle, often desperately, with difficult emotions. In addition to the feelings of grief, anger, guilt, and rejection which the victims of such a family feel, Latter-day Saints carry an additional burden. The purpose of our mortal lives, we know, is to prove ourselves, to eventually return to live in the celestial kingdom. One who commits suicide closes the door on all that, some have thought, consigning himself to the telestial kingdom.

Elder Bruce R. McConkie has said:

“Suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. … Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.”

Elder Ballard continues...

I feel that judgement for sin is not always as cut-and-dried as some of us seem to think. The Lord said, “Thou shalt not kill.” Does that mean that every person who kills will be condemned, no matter the circumstances? I feel the Lord recognized differences in intent and circumstances: Was the person who took his life mentally ill? Was he or she so deeply depressed as to be unbalanced or otherwise emotionally disturbed? Was the suicide a tragic, pitiful call for help that went unheeded too long or progressed faster than the victim intended? Did he or she somehow not understand the seriousness of the act? Was he or she suffering from a chemical imbalance in their system that led to despair and a loss of self-control?

Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth.

When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.

Also, Jessica's dad posted his talk and tribute to Jessica, which you can find here.

We are not here to judge others or to judge how one leaves this Earth. We are here to gain experience in this life. Jessica had dealt with so many things in her life that not a lot of us can comprehend unless you were her. And if you knew her and understood her life, but did not understand why she would take her own, then you really didn't know her. So, when you think about questioning me about Jessica and how you don't think it was her time to go. You're not God. You're not her. It's not YOUR choice of when you think it was time for her to go. You may not have known her, but please be a little bit more sensitive. As I'm dealing with a loss of a loved one. I'd appreciate that. :)

Jessica Laren Harris- My Beautiful Best Friend

It's not about how a person dies, it's about how they lived.

So since you're all aware that my best friend Jessica passed away this past weekend. I'm just going to vent and talk about her life a little bit. I'm just going to say, you don't know how disrespectful it is to ask a person how someone died when you personally did not know them. You just are curious and you want to know. I understand. But it's a bit petty that you'll add her as a friend on Facebook just to find out how she died. You're just curious. Also- I like to thank for the people on the heads up when they e-mail me and let me know. "Did u lyke no ur bf died?" Like I obviously wouldn't know right? She's not my best friend or anything.

I'm not here to tell the story of how she passed away. I like to believe I'll make it your business if I want you to know. I don't really think it matters how they leave this Earth. It's the way they affected people on this Earth before they left.

Well, you all know that Jessica and I weren't on very good terms. She and I had been in arguments and such and kind of stopped talking to each other. We both felt like we were in the right of the situation. Long before she had passed I had forgiven for what she had said, I have just never got the chance to physically say, I'm sorry. And I regret that more than anything. But I talked with her boyfriend and he told me that she would check up on my blog and facebook. And how she still loved and cared about me and wished we weren't fighting. You don't know how much that kills me that I couldn't have just stopped being so prideful and said I was sorry.

Even though that had happened. She's still one of my best friends. And I'm grateful to have known her. I've known her since a little bit before I turned 16 I believe. She and I had been through a lot of the same life experiences. We got sent out to a wilderness program on the same day (I went to Anasazi and she went to Aspiro). We both ended up going to West Ridge Academy.



It was kind of funny the first day that we saw each other again. I was wearing another girl's sweatshirt and the name was, "Teresa." She gave me a funny look and told me she was afraid to call me Stefanie because she thought I was in the witness protection program or something and that's why I had a different name. I was just new and they didn't have my stuff ordered in yet.

She and I were practically attached to the hip the whole way through West Ridge. We lived in the same home, Sage home. We would always try to go off campus together when they would take us off campus. We had a blast together. Towards the end of our program they started a home called Twig. We got to be roommates. During that time, we go to meet David Archuleta, right after he lost American Idol. We were obsessed. We named our room after him. It was just me and Jessica in that home. We would come home and play Rummikub and Family Fued.

One of the questions on it was, "What is your favorite cut of steak?"

I answered, "Medium rare."

She gave me SO much crap since then.

At one point, she would sneak in make up that we weren't allowed to wear at the time. We talked in these Arabian accents for like a month. People tried to copy us and every time we just tell them, "Uhhh. No."

This girl was so talented at the guitar. I was jealous of her awesome skills. I did take guitar lessons when I was like 16 but gave up.

I think in January this year we went to Little Cesar's together and it also reminded me of West Ridge because every time I'd come back from a home visit I'd always bring that.

Another funny random memory, we eat dinner altogether at West Ridge. And I have this LOVE for broccoli like nobody's business. And there were TONS leftover. I was like, "WHAT?! JACKPOT!" I took this whole plate of broccoli back to Twig and I had saran wrapped the plate so my huge plate of broccoli would not fall over. I was holding it with two hands and she pulled this ninja move and knocked the plate out of my hands. It was so funny I used to tell her that the only thing she owed me was broccoli.

She'd always say, "I owe you no such thing."

We did go on a backpacking trip together to Coyote Gulch. She wanted to go again so badly this summer. I'm thinking of making it a group trip just in tribute of her. If any of ya'll would be interested, let me know.

After West Ridge, we would try and hang out and stuff. Of course, I started going back into the drug phase. She went to a party with me one time and she helped me out of a situation and let me stay with her. I had an awful crash from the drugs. But she has been there for me through thick and thin. I would come and pick her up from her house and we'd just go out and chill with friends or go see cinematic adventures. Definitely midnight showings.

We did get in another fight because when I was still in the drug phase my dealer's house got raided and I thought it was her fault. And of course, drugs only mattered to me at the time. Finally, I got out of that and apologized to her and she would go out with me while I was pregnant. And she would go to my groups with me at LDS Family Services. She was seriously an awesome friend. We would text/call each other whenever we needed something or just to vent. We would go out and drive until like two in the morning. She and I went on a hike when it was like 4 weeks before my due date. I was trying to induce labor.

I texted her and told her I was in labor and she came in right after worked and stayed the whole time and she was there when little Olivia was born. Jessica was there at the baby shower. She was there through everything. Especially the drama afterward with Nic.

She and I both signed up for LDS Singles together. We went to the midnight showing of New Moon together and stayed up all night long. We went out and had tinfoil dinners for a date one time. We also went to the BYU vs Utah Game. We both bought Utah apparel for it.



She'd come visit me on my breaks at JCW's and we'd have their delicious cheese fries. We would find funny videos on youtube and share them with each other. We would text each other a radio station when our favorite songs came on. I.E. 92.5

That's all we would send to each other.

She and I are wifeys (via facebook) we had to end that relationship since I'm with Tayler/twins separated at birth, as she has put it.

For Christmas, I got her a New Moon T-shirt with Taylor Lautner on it. And she got me a Transformers hat and hoodie.

I got to meet Tayler and she got to meet someone special for herself. You know, I think a lot of our fight had to do with that no one is ever going to be good enough for our best friends. So that's a lot of why she didn't approve of Tayler is that I had gone through so much she thought I deserved a lot more. And that I thought she had gone through so much she deserved so much more than her boyfriend. I don't think we hated each other's boyfriends. And we both were jealous that they were occupying our time. I remember I would try to call her and she'd say she was hanging out with her boyfriend and I'd be so mad, I'm like, "Come on! It's not like you don't see him everyday." I don't know. We're weird. But I love this girl so much. She had changed my life and I'm so grateful she was there. I'm grateful I was able to be there when she needed someone too. She's definitely had her trials throughout the past 4 years.

The past week since her passing I've just been this fragile, little soul. I've been able to talk to people about it. Tayler was here when I found out. I seriously found out the day after he proposed. I think she wanted me to be happy. That's the whole reason why I didn't find out about her being in the hospital. She wanted me to have my day with Tayler. My dad had asked me if I was going to tell her. But I felt like I didn't need to physically tell her, that she already knew. I'm grateful that she didn't hate me before she left this Earth. She knew I would've wanted to be there, by her side. I asked her mom if I could make a tribute video of Jessica for the funeral. I'm grateful to have that opportunity. I sometimes completely lose it when people tell me that she and I look a lot alike or like sisters. It's difficult to explain- even though she's not related to me in anyway, she and I were so much alike. I can't even believe it. I guess that's what gets to me that she isn't like a best friend to me, she's a sister.

I went to her house and it was the hardest thing but the most peaceful thing for me. I sat at her computer as pictures downloaded onto my hard drive. And I just would imagine her coming around the corner and saying that it was all a joke. I went to her room and just sat there and cried and apologized. It's the craziest thing. I felt that she knew and that she was comforting me. It was a very spiritual experience. I know that I'm usually open about this. But this was a sacred experience that I don't plan on sharing with very many people.

Before, I did feel a lot of regret. That a lot of what had happened was my fault. That if I was being the best friend that I could be, she could've came to me. But I realized that no matter how hard things were, she would've come to me anyway.

I was having such a hard day yesterday. I missed my friend's ultrasound because I had a dentist appointment, forgot my wallet when I went to the cheesecake factory with Andee, had to drive all the way down to Highland to go to the bank because I somehow forgot my pin number, pulling into the parking stall this guy failed to see me as he was backing out and hit me, and to top off the day- Nic came into my work with his new girlfriend.

On my way home from work, I just CRIED. I could not hold it in. I can barely hold it in now. It took me this long to realize how hard it is to lose my best friend. The person that knew me inside and out and vice versa and I couldn't come to her when I needed someone to talk to most. That I couldn't just call her up and say, "Please come into JCW's and make Nic look stupid." Or, "Let's go to a gas station and get a drink." I just talked the whole way home as if she was here and just told her everything that happened that day. I asked her what I should do. I just kept saying, "This isn't fair."

Tayler is one of my best friends but it's definitely different than not having your best girlfriend with you. They know they'll never be annoyed by you. Or that they know the stupid thought process that girls have.

I have been talking to her boyfriend and that's helped a lot. He was there for when I wasn't there. He was probably about the same level of closeness that I was with her. He's awesome and he needs to know that.

I did do some wedding decoration shopping today with my mom. And I ran into Jessica's little sister. It's SO hard as I was hoping that I'd actually run into Jessica. That I wished that Jessica was there to help me out with my wedding. That she'd be apart of it.

It slipped out the other day when I told Tayler I was going to hang out with Alyssa that I said I was going to hang out with Jessica. I seriously miss her.

I do know in my heart that she is in a better place. And that she does want me to be happy. That she approves that I'm going in the right direction with Tayler. Even though I'm sure she still thinks that nobody is going to be good enough for me. She's happy I found someone like him. I know at times I feel her next to me. Tomorrow is her viewing and I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it. Her funeral is on Sunday. It's just another reminder that she's physically not here. But I know that it'll only be a short time before our friendship will be reunited. I told her in the car last night, that I still believe that she's here and that I need her still as my best friend to help me and guide me through my life.

She was truly amazing, beautiful girl. Beautiful inside and out. She has such a strong testimony. She worked at a retirement home. She loved the people that she worked with and the residents that she looked after. She would constantly talk about them or send me sweet little videos of them. She did have a resident call me one time. It was so sweet. Jessica has always had this knack of leaving things behind such as her Ipod or her debit card. Her boyfriend and I were thinking, maybe that's her strategy to get us to hang out with her again. Nope that's just her. Even though she has left this Earth, she has left behind so much love and so many memories that I will never take for granted.

Tootie Fruitie,

I love you with all of my heart. Please help me get through these next few days. I'm completely lost without you here. I miss you best friend and can't wait to see you again someday.

Always yours,

Sugarpuss

I need you now

I needed to show this pretty girl's smile. This girl will ALWAYS be my best friend. And she will be missed terribly. I know we had our arguments and disagreements towards the end. But no matter what- she's my best friend through thick and thin. She was just looking out for me. I just wish I could've been there to look out after her. I know that where she is now, she won't feel anymore pain. You're beautiful in every way, Jess. I love you. I'll always be thinking of you.

Jessica Harris

6/9/1992- 3/8/2010

I'll DEFINITELY be taking a break from blogging. You'll hear the proposal story another time.

Selfish

I really haven't had my buttons pushed in a long time to really be angry towards people who talk to me about adoption. It has seriously gone over the top. I don't want to admit it because those people who have been purposely trying to make me feel bad, will think that they've won. They're angry about my post about the crappy baby's daddy's. I'm not about to support a deadbeat dad. If he's going to post on Facebook for the whole world to see, then he should be DAMN proud of what he said. So if his family wants to pick at me and my business. Then go for it. I'm sick of you and it doesn't make you any better than me. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone. I'm just done.

My comments are going back to being approved and I might remove my Formspring. It was meant for people who have ACTUAL questions about me and adoption. Not about you trying to bring me down, because it makes you feel better. I've almost been to point of tears by what some of the hurtful things people have said. But I knew I was going to get it from after my post about baby dad's. It may seem it was directed at one person. But it was for all. He just happened to be an example. There is no other way to put it nicely about boys not being grown up enough to be fathers, but bluntly.

So some people had to be blunt to me about my adoption and the hole that I've been repairing for the past 5 months have been opened a little bit more from what people have said. I'll quote some for you.

"You talk all this crap about baby daddys but you didn't even raise your own child you gave it up! How can you be a crappy dad when the kid isn't even born yet?"

It is possible to be a crappy dad when the child isn't born. There is a difference being there for a girl when she's pregnant and not being there. I had to wait 9 MONTHS for Olivia's birth father to apologize to me and tell me that he was wrong and that he wishes he was there in the beginning. I'm just hoping guys out there don't have to wait 9 months to realize that they regret not being there. Not being there to hold the girls hair back when she's puking from morning sickness, when the girl feels the baby move for the first time and places the boys hand on her belly to feel, to see your baby on the ultrasound together, knowing this baby was made out of LOVE. When girls leave their baby's dad, it isn't that she's keeping the baby from him. It's because she's trying to protect her child, out of something potentially harmful for the baby and herself. He has all right to fight for what is rightfully his, if he's going to sit on his ass and demand it, nothing is going to happen. It just shows how uncommitted he is to the mother of his child, and his OWN child.

"And you're an adult so you could have raised your kid, but you were selfish and put yourself first ."

You're right, I am an adult. With the ability to choose and make decisions on my own. I decided to place my daughter for adoption instead of raising her. I wasn't thinking, "I can't wait to get this kid out of me and I'll be happy that I don't have to play mom all day." I cried EVERY single day of my pregnancy, praying, hoping that I can raise this child on my own. If you're a single parent yourself, have you realized how HARD it is to raise it by yourself? Don't you ever wish you had someone next to you, helping you out? Does your child ever ask why their mom or dad isn't around? Do you wish that they had that role model in their life? I CRIED the day I placed her into another woman's arms to be her mother. You don't think that was out of love, you think it was pure selfishness to give someone the gift that they couldn't give themselves?

For some of you who don't understand adoption and why mother's "give up their babies." You don't have to. I'm not going to explain it to you because it IS a beautiful, wonderful, SELFLESS thing a mother could do for their child. Going through the uncomfortable 9 months of pregnancy, the physical pain of delivering a baby, and the emotional pain that tears your heart apart by doing what you did so your baby can be happy and live a happy life with a mom AND a dad. So that baby doesn't have to be raised by it's grandparents or in a daycare. To have that baby someday grow into an adult and thank you for putting their NEEDS before your WANTS. You don't know how many times a day I WANTED to be her mom but I didn't have the NEEDS for her to be her mother and you don't know how much that KILLS me. But you also don't know how happy I am to see that she's going to be with an eternal family. A type of family that I want my future children to grow into not the one that is made after they're born, to be born to be sealed to me and to my loving husband for eternity.

If you don't understand how a mother could place her baby. You don't really know the dedication it took talking to God and creating that relationship with Him to constantly seek Him out and help me out every day. To help me remember why I was doing this. Not for myself, but for HER. You don't know how many times a day I wish I just did it "right" the first time, or got the timing right, to be married first, then start a family. I just skipped a few steps and I wish I didn't because now I have to watch my daughter grow up in someone else's family. I MADE that UNSELFISH decision, as an ADULT, as a LOVING MOTHER, so she can have a happy life and give another woman a chance to be a GREAT mother and a man to be an AWESOME father. I love Dustinn and Val and I appreciate them and grateful to them to still let me be apart of her life. If they cared so much about me posting about her as if she was "still my daughter." They would've confronted me a long time ago or wouldn't have dealt with adoption in the first place. They still tell me she's my daughter and how they appreciate me sharing her with them. But the tables have turned and they're now sharing her with me and I couldn't be more grateful for what they do and how awesome they are to her and to me.

I finally understand what TRUE love means. Love means that you care for another person's happiness MORE than your own, no matter how painful the choices you make might be.

P.S. I LOVED this post. Mary e-mailed me her blog and I have her on my "Hoping to Adopt" section and it was what I needed to read more than anything. Thank you! Her post is called: Birthmothers know it's about LOVE. And that couldn't be anymore true.