NewMoon&Letters

This Friday has been a WONDERFUL Friday if I may say!


I went and saw the midnight showing of New Moon. A few days ago Jessica and I decided we wanted to see New Moon. Of course, most of the movie tickets are sold out only a few days before. So we went onto KSL. Some ladies doctors office rented out a theater at the Provo mall the tickets were 10 dollars but we got a VIP pass. And there were door prizes. Jessica and I won bookmarks.

I had some of the funniest moments of my life there.

I don't even know what was going on. There were 4 guys in the front row. With no dates. (Come on, I even went with a date. Not Jessica. He is of the male species.) And they were making fun of all the girls like screaming in the movie. I'm like, really? You're with your gay lovers at the movie. People should be making fun of YOU. (I don't hate on gays. One of my best friend's is gay.)

One of them says, "This is the riskiest thing that I have ever done." I said loud enough for him to hear, "That's a little bit sad if the riskiest thing you've done is see a midnight Twilight movie."

During the movie, one girl said, "I hate it when people talk in movies." I said, "You just did!"

It was a good movie. I was very impressed. It was not a let down unlike Twilight. I was just glad that it actually ran smoothly like a movie unlike Twilight which was a hot MESS.

I'd like to give a shout out.

Thank you New Moon for being everything I wanted you to be.

Thank you for making Edward sufficiently attractive in this movie. I'd like to keep my eyesight.

Thank you Taylor Lautner for being an actor and making up for Kristin Stewart's and Robert Pattinson's bad acting jobs.

And can someone PLEASE get me Taylor Lautner's personal trainer's address? I need to send him a thank you note.

(Taylor Swift definitely has some competition with the whole female population!)

And for all you Twilight fans- Eclipse comes out June 2010!

If you all haven't been aware already. I've been writing a missionary.



A little bit about him... I met Trey when I was 17 at EFY. I had a HUGE, GIANT crush on him and EVERYONE knew. He even knew. But he still hung out with me. That's weird huh? Well, the problem was that he lived in St. George. There was NO way that I could have a long distant relationship and plus at that time Joel and I were on a "break."
Trey and I still kept in contact throughout the years by texting. Actually, sometime last year, my friend Jen and I went to UVU for some weird reason and he happened to be in the building studying so we hung out with him for a little bit. I think it was in December right before me and Nic broke up.
Then in January after me and Nic broke up, my friend Natasha invited me to go to an institute dance with her at UVU. I texted Trey to come hang out with me because I wasn't going to know ANYONE. At the time, I had a thought that I was pregnant but I didn't say anything to anyone. Trey and I were seriously attached to the hip the whole dance and jumped around and danced. We ran into some of his friends who were EFY counselers that summer so we did a bunch of EFY dances with them. It definitely reminded me of old times. He was planning on taking me home that night but I had someone else take me home. I kind of really wish that he did take me home that night.

Anyway. I think a week later I found out I was pregnant. I really think he texted me the night that I found out and asked me when we were going to hang out again. And I said, "I'm pretty sure you don't want to hang out with me." He kept bugging me and asking me what was wrong and I told him I would tell him later. I didn't want like all of my friends knowing before my family and Nic found out that I was. I think after I told Nic the next night I texted Trey and told him that I was pregnant and was pretty sure he didn't want to hang out with me because of that. And all he said was, "So?!"
I'm thinking, Really? He still wants to hang out with me?

On Valentine's day he came over to my house and we had a tv show watching marathon of Ghost Whisperer. He also gave me a nice back/shoulder massage. Not a naughty one. Come on.
Valentine's day was on a Saturday so my parents invited him to go to Stake Conference with us the next day. And he did. He came over for dinner as well and for some reason my pregnancy hormones got the best of me. At dinner I just cried. I had NO reason to cry. I just felt like crying. He probably thought that was FREAKY. My parents invited him to go to the Draper Temple open house but I think we both were busy and couldn't go.

In March, I went over to his place and we made cookie dough (it sounded SO good) and spaghetti (I know, a great romantic combo). We watched Twilight (he hadn't seen it). Then after that I think we played some Call of Duty 4. Let's just say I'm not very skilled in those killing games BUT I did kill him first when we first started playing. He thought I was so good at the game from that point on that he didn't go easy on me. And I lost. Horribly.
We then put in Juno. He was definitely a cuddler but at the time I totally wasn't in the cuddling mood. But I did it anyway. Ha. Then I left.

For some reason we stopped contacting each other. I think around that time is when my old Facebook account got hacked and I can't get into it anymore. And that was a lot of how we communicated as well. That's how the Ghost Whisperer plans came up because I think I posted on my Facebook status that I was always lonely on Valentine's day.

I think in July. Right after I got home from Virginia. I texted Trey because I was visiting Jessica. And he asked, "Who is this?"

I'm thinking, "Great, so he really has been purposely ignoring me for the past few months and wants to forget about me."

I told him. And he said, "I was just thinking about you the other day! I had to get a new phone and I lost ALL my old numbers so I'm glad you got a hold of me."
I said, "Oh really? I hope they were good thoughts of me!"
He said, "Well, duh! I don't think anything bad about you!"
I said, "Intrigue me. What were thinking about?"
He said, "I was thinking that I haven't heard from you in a while and that the last time we hung out I should've kissed you."

Get this. I've never kissed him. The 2 years that I've known him since EFY. We have never kissed.

I said, "Oh yeah? Well... we should hang out sometime soon!"

Then... we never made plans. I just got busy that day and then at the same time I had a lot of other stuff on my mind.
I'm thinking he never saved my number in his phone because I didn't hear from him since.

RuthAnn works in the MTC. And he came into her office and saw her nametag and said, "Are you Stefanie's sister?!" She said, "Yeah... who are you?" He said, "I'm Trey. I'm Stefanie's friend. Did she have her baby yet?" She said, "Yes." (This was like two days after I had her) And he said that was cool and left.

She looked up his information for me and I sent him a letter. I guess the day that he got my letter he went into my sister's office and said, "Thank you for giving Stefanie my information!"

I've received two letters from him. (I've sent him 3. I sound desperate! I've written once a weekHe says he's been very busy in the MTC. I bet.
He's going to Hong Kong China.

I'll update you guys (:
This is what he wrote:

"-Cantonese is coming along nicely, slowly, but surely.
-I'm in the MTC for 3 more weeks, and even though I wish I was fluent already, and am not, I still can't wait to leave!
-Cantonese is harder than I thought, but not a surprise so I wasn't caught off guard.
-The food here has gotten pretty lame...
-I have two companions. One is 24 and ex-army, so he's kind of too serious sometimes, but he's really mellowed out a lot since day one and we're closer. My 2nd companion is from St. George and freshout of High School. But he's pretty mature and fun to hang around he is a peacemaker, which is good because all 3 of us are very strong willed.
-My classes are usually pretty boring, honestly. I wish I had the 5-6 hours of class we use in the day to sudy on my own, but some days it's really good, so once in a while is okay...

So there is the way boring low down..."

I laughed at his P.S.
"Since I only have 3 more weeks, you will have to write you're angry, "Why didn't you write sooner?" letters, fast. I don't think I'll be writing much if at all, when I'm in Hong Kong. (a very poorly drawn -thoughtful- heart at the end)"

I danced around the room when I got the letter. Let's speed up these next 22 months, how about that?

I totally forgot the cool things about this. He went into the MTC the DAY that I went into labor and had Olivia. Coincidence? I think not.
Let's see. The first letter I wrote him I told him about the adoption. In March was the last time that I saw him and still during that time I was undecided in my plan.

"Let's see here... No I don't have one lady friends waiting for me, nor do I have plural lady friends waiting. Just so you know and no one is confused." Well, now one is (:

"That's great to hear that your baby is so healthy! I guess your sister didn't tell you in time, I got into the MTC the same day you had your baby! So that means she is now... one month old! (: Sweet. I'm glad you tried to do the best thing for her even though it was hard. I personally think that you did the right thing."

(insert now my very poorly drawn -thoughtful- heart at the end)

Humble and Hibernating

I know it's only been 4 days since I said I won't be on here for a while. Well, I decided that I need to make my appearance back into the blogging world and why I just sort of threw a temper tantrum. I hope I don't get any hate comments for what I'm saying. This is a VERY personal situation. I figure that I need to show that being a birth mom isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Even though you think you might get off the hook with God. He still shows you that you still have to work hard to be happy, no matter what life throws at you.

I figured, I went through the hardest thing in my life by placing my baby for adoption. God will understand me and know how hard it was since He gave the world His only begotten son to suffer the sins of the world and to be crucified. I think if anyone understands the pain and loss of a child, it's Him.

I have been praying for a heart at peace with everything. Trust me. You think that I like being unhappy and angry with everyone around me? Of course not.

On Friday, November 13, I received a phone call from my OB's office. And I knew immediately why they were calling before I picked up the phone. They did a pap smear at my 6 week appointment. They called back to say my results came up as abnormal. There was so much going through my brain and thinking that I have some crazy STD that I was unaware of my whole pregnancy. But that would be untrue because they did a pap smear right before I got pregnant and was perfectly normal.
They told me that they found SIL (Squamous Intraepithelial Lesions): Changes are seen in the cells that may show signs of pre-cancer. SIL can be low grade (LSIL, which is what they found) or high grade (HSIL).
LSIL: Early, mild changes are seen in the cells.

They really did not give me much information on the phone. All they said was that it was low grade pre-cancerous cells. After they set up the appointment to do a colposcopy (Lets your doctor look at the cervix through a special device similar to a microscope. it can detect problems of the cervix that cannot be seen with the eye alone. It's used to help diagnose SIL and cervical cancer.) and possibly and biopsy (an area of abnormal cells is seen and removes a small sample of tissue and sent to the lab to be studied), I got off the phone and cried. There was so many things going through my mind. Of course, I googled everything. And they way they treat cervical cancer is a hysterectomy. I couldn't handle the thought of placing my biological child for adoption and not being able to have anymore kids of my own.
I know some people are thinking, "you should be grateful that you atleast had a biological child of your own." But the whole time I was thinking of those people who couldn't have children. How difficult it was for me to find out that I might have cervical cancer and not have anymore children how that day was for women to find out that they won't be able to bear their own children. My heart and prayers went out to every single one of you comfort and peace for that trial that you have endured.

During that time as well, I was angry at God. I hung out with a friend of mine that night to get my mind off of things. We stayed up late and I was going to spend the night at her house but then I just wanted to go home and cry. On the way home, in my car, I cried. I prayed and screamed and even though I had so much anger in me, I felt a hug of understanding and basically feeling like He knew that He was giving me so much but I still needed to learn. And I'm thinking what do I need to learn? Definitely to humble myself. That's for sure. I had such a spiritual high while I was pregnant and a little bit after placement. I then started losing hope and giving up on myself. God is just kicking me in the butt to motivate me by giving me a wake up call. Such as being pregnant and a cancer scare. After that moment, all I could say to Him was give me all you got, just let Olivia be happy (and the J family) and never to go through anything I had to go through and I'll call that fair and do whatever He wanted me to do. Haha. I know you can't really make a deal with the Lord but I tried.

I have been given comfort. I think the OB nurse realized that it was troubling me and they sent me a pamphlet of information about abnormal pap smears. It also says, "SIL is found in women of all ages. It can range from mild (circled for me), moderate, and severe to cacinoma in situ (CIS). CIS is not yet cancer. However, if not treated, it is the type of SIL most likely to progress to cancer.
LSIL may not need to be treated. A woman may just need to have a repeat Pap test.

I talked with my caseworker the day that I found out, we happened to have an appointment set up that day. God definitely was looking out and realized that I needed help. Such as two days after Nic and I had broken up (I didn't know I was pregnant at the time) I asked my dad for a father's blessing. It helped me and then when I found out I was pregnant. I realized that with the help from that blessing that I needed God in my life and luckily, I was looking for it at that time. She told me it was okay to be angry and to ask Him why he was doing this to me. To do whatever I need to get stuff off my chest. She asked me if I were angry or frustrated with a family member or friend would I say something to them? I told her, Well, yeah. She said, "Sometimes you need to do that with God. You realize that you are His daughter and He's your Father and He does make you angry sometimes."

My mom realized I was going through a hard time as well. I haven't really talked to anyone the past few days. And trust me, if you have stood in my way. You probably got an earful. I apologize.
My mom (or maybe my dad) printed off an article that they found on LDS.org. There was an article in the magazine, Liahona in 2004, given by President James E. Faust called, "Where Do I Make My Stand?"
Here are some of my favorite points from this article:

I humbly pray this morning that I may be understood and not misunderstood. In an increasingly unjust world, to survive and even to find happiness and joy, no matter what comes, we must make our stand unequivocally with the Lord. We need to try to be faithful every hour of every day so that our foundation of trust in the Lord will never be shaken. My message is one of hope and counsel for those who may wonder about the seemingly unfair distribution of pain, suffering, disaster, and heartache in this life. Some may ask:

“Why was I born with physical or mental limitations?”

“What did I do to deserve this heartache?”

“Why did my father have to suffer so much following a cruel, disabling stroke? He was such a righteous man and always faithful and true to the Lord and His Church.”

“Why did I have to lose my mother twice—once to the ravages of Alzheimer’s disease and, secondly, to death? She was such an angel.”

“Why did the Lord let our little baby girl die? She was so precious, and we loved her so much.”

“Why hasn’t the Lord answered our prayers the way we wished?”

“Life isn’t fair. We know some people who have done some very bad things, and yet they seem to have everything they want or need.”
Dr. Arthur Wentworth Hewitt suggested some reasons why the good suffer as well as the wicked: “First: I don’t know. Second: We may not be as innocent as we think. Third: … I believe it is because He loves us so much more than He loves our happiness. How so? Well, if on a basis of strict personal return here and now, all the good were always happy and all the bad suffered disaster (instead of often quite the reverse), this would be the most subtle damnation of character imaginable.”

President Kimball gave this insightful explanation:
“If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency. … There would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.”

How we use our God-given moral agency explains why some things happen in our lives. Some of our choices have unforeseen results, which may be good or bad. But often we know in advance that some of our choices will have detrimental or even harmful consequences. I call these “informed choices” because we know our acts will have disastrous results. These informed choices include illicit sexual relations and the use of drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. Such poor informed choices may prevent a person from going on a mission or receiving temple blessings. We may make incorrect informed decisions because the lures of the world distort reality and make us vulnerable. In dating relationships with the opposite sex, making a wrong choice early may limit making the right choice later.

President Howard W. Hunter once said, “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.” None of us knows the wisdom of the Lord. We do not know in advance exactly how He would get us from where we are to where we need to be, but He does offer us broad outlines in our patriarchal blessings. We encounter many bumps, bends, and forks in the road of life that leads to the eternities. There is so much teaching and correction as we travel on that road. Said the Lord, “He that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom.” (D&C 136:31) “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.” (Heb. 12:16)

As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the Lord: “I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee.” (2 Kgs. 20:5) Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord.

President Brigham Young offered the profound insight that at least some of our suffering has a purpose when he said:

“All intelligent beings who are crowned with crowns of glory, immortality, and eternal lives must pass through every ordeal appointed for intelligent beings to pass through, to gain their glory and exaltation. Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered to come upon the few, to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord. … Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation.”
-It was so hard for not to post the whole article. It was purely amazing, if you ask me.
I know that God is watching out for me and for everyone. Sometimes he gives us soft nudges into the right direction and at times, we need to be pushed off a cliff to realize what direction we need to take. I'm definitely grateful for that guidance and the prayers that everyone has given me during this time and trial in my life. I'm grateful that there is a right direction in life and to have that support with me.
My doctors appointment isn't until December 9th. Wish me luck. As I wish you luck and prayers in your journey.

Negatron

I kind of stopped the whole I'm grateful for each day thing. It was kind of a hassle to get on the computer everyday to post what I was grateful for. And I haven't been on lately just a lot of things are happening in my life and I'm just trying to keep myself preoccupied.
When I'm on here I tend to pour out my personal secrets to the world. And that's something that I don't want to do right now until I have more information.

The post placement group on Thursday was alright. Two girls told their pregnancy/adoption stories. That was fun to listen to.

We just got on the topic of the New Year. One girl asked if anyone was excited for the New Year to have a "new beginning."
In a way, I don't need the New Year to have a "new beginning." My new beginning started after placement. My motivation is Olivia. Years from now, I want her to look up to her birth mom who changed her life around for the better. I want her to see that I did get married in the Temple and I returned to virtue.

I really have been having a hard time lately. Not anything particularly with adoption. I have my days, who doesn't? I try to focus on the positive of everything. But there are some negatives in my life. I don't want to focus on any of that either.

At group, there was something that stung me for some weird reason. A girl was talking about that she placed her son for adoption... last week. She was saying how painful it was for her to see him and how she is in the "awkward" or "uncomfortable" stage with her couple where she doesn't know what to talk to them about.
For me, it has been a little bit of a struggle or a transition to being the birth mom. When I was pregnant I would call and e-mail Val about every little thing about the pregnancy and let her be involved. I was excited for myself and excited for her. Now, I really don't have anything to talk about. I'm on the other end now, getting calls and e-mails about Olivia. It's exciting.
What I realized is that, that's the only way I'm going to watch her grow up. There are girls whose families live down the road and can see their baby any time of the day if their family will let them. They have that luxury. Sometimes it gets to me when girls say to me, "I haven't seen my baby in over a week and it sucks." Tell me when you haven't seen your baby in two months, then come talk to me.

I've really been bitter and depressed lately. I'm working on it. There are days that I really don't want to get out of bed and take on the world because all it does is let me down. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. But it's a scary thought to me. First, I place my baby for adoption hoping that everything in my life would be good after that. Then life smacks me in the face. Trust me, I had a screaming and crying battle in my car with God just not understanding why everything was happening and that there was so much already going on. And I'm just waiting for a break here.

I can't even talk about it right now without being angry and frustrated. So I'm pretty much done here. If you don't hear from me in a while, don't worry. I'll be okay. And I'd appreciate it if I don't get any messages asking me how I'm doing. I'll tell you what's going on if I want to. Don't pry it out of me.

7 weeks old.

Nov. 11-

I'm grateful for...

1. The troops fighting in Iraq.

2. Everyone in the Military. Including my dad who was in the Military for 25 years and retired as a Lt. Colonel. He has done a lot for our family to provide for us growing up.

3. Little Olivia being a healthy 7 week old baby girl (Same with the whole J family. They've been sick with colds the past week or so.)




Nov. 12-

I'm grateful for...

1. Friends who buy the same shirt as me and buy me a Utah hat (Sorry BYU, you have not made me proud this season to buy a hat for you.) Yes, we did go out in public wearing the same shirt. We rock.



2. Thursday group. I know I've mentioned it before. But I always learn something new everyday. Either about myself or life lessons.

3. The crazy kiosk people that stop you in the mall, I was able to get something for my mommy for Christmas. Oh how I love early Christmas shopping... not.
I hate how good they are at their jobs. They suck me and I end up buying the whole dang kiosk.

She asked, "Do you know someone who is need of a Christmas present? Mom? Sisters?" I said, "I have a mom." She said, "Really? I have three!" I asked, "WHAT?! Are you serious?!" With a straight face she said, "No." Touche crazy kiosk lady.

She asked me, "So what do you say?" I said, "Yes....?" You had to be there.

That's all I got.

Pay Day!

I'm grateful for...

1. Having a job and Paychecks and having $.
2. Cute clothes from Papaya.
(I purchased a shirt that says "The Haters heart ME".) 3. Diet Coke. I'm addicted (:

Quotes:

So, please, just be patient. I'm so afraid to care about
someone. I know it seems like I'm this strong girl who can get
through anything, but inside I'm very fragile.
I've had so many things thrown at me, & each one has only
made a crack. what I'm afraid of is shattering.

Every single person has at least
one secret that would break your heart.

Just tell me why I was never good enough. I think you
owe me at least that much. After all the months of
second guessing and falling down, you owe me this. So before
you go and run away, look me in the eyes
and tell me why after I nearly killed myself trying to be
perfect for you, I still never really lived up to your expectations?


In life, don't just trust people who change their feelings
with time. Instead, trust those people whose feelings
remain the same even when time changes.

It was like she was only there when it was convenient for him.
Like she was the gas station no one ever visited unless their tank was
coming up on empty. Yeah, there were days when she hated him and there were
days when she was head over heels, too. But none of those days mattered,
because she could never have him no matter how hard she fell.

It doesn't make sense to let go of something you had for so long,
but it also doesn't make sense to hold on when nothing's there.

Don't ever break for someone who would never bend for you.

I love you. I've never tried to pack so
much into one phrase in my whole life.

My body feels too small to hold all that I'm feeling.

I saw you out last night and you seemed so surprised that
I could walk right by you and not blink an eye. Look at me,
You probably think i'm doing fine. Good thing you can't read my mind.


You get to her. You make her cry late at night. You make her
scream at the top of her lungs. You make her second guess everything
you say. But she's not about to admit it to you. Her pride is
too strong. but really, would it matter anyway?

The minute you think you're going to lose something,
it suddenly becomes the most important thing in your life.

It made me wonder how many times we forgive just
because we don't want to lose someone,
even if they don't deserve our forgiveness.

One day you're going to wake up and realize how much you
care about her. But when that day comes she'll be waking
up beside the guy that already knew.

Crying doesn't indicate that you are weak.
Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.


It's upsetting to think that someone can, after so long, so many
memories and so much love, just turn around and say, “Sorry, I don't love you anymore.”
After everything they have gone through, it hurts to think about how somebody can
change their mind on such a thing as their love for another. I can't even begin
to understand the reasons behind this. I know things change and nothing lasts,
but I just can't seem to comprehend how can a feeling change,
just like that, in a blink of an eye? And it scares me, so much.

Dating

I'm grateful for...

1. Safety For The Soul- Conference talk by Jeffery R. Holland.
I read something the other day that made me SICK to my stomach. Just a friend that I know, his mom fell away from the Church. I'll just quote what she said, "I regret having my children grow up in the Church." Reading this talk gives me comfort more than anything that I absolutely do NOT regret growing up in this Church. I do NOT regret choosing that Olivia will grow up in a home with parents who are firm believers in this Church and have a strong foundation in it. I hope when I'm ready to have children of my own someday that I will be to have them grow up in the Gospel.

2. I love you texts from my mommy.
"Goodnight... I love you my little Steffie-Q."



3. Taylor Swift for writing songs about D-bags that cheat on her. She just takes the words right out of my mouth.

Well, I thought I would take the time to write about dating after Olivia/placement.

I have written probably some nasty, hurtful things towards Nic while I was pregnant or after placement. Because I have been hurt... too many times. I have been bitter about the way Nic had treated me during that time in my life. I never thought he was going to turn out to be one of "those guys"... you know what I'm talking about. The jerks, the users, the cheaters, the liars, whatever you think "those guys" are. That's what he became in my heart while I was pregnant. I couldn't believe that the guy that told me he loved me, left me and his daughter to fend for ourselves. Of course, I was pregnant AND single. During that time, is when I needed people the most. I also found out who my real friends were, the ones who stuck with me through thick and thin.

I want to take the time to dedicate this blog to the slimbags that I did date. (: And I'd like to thank Taylor Swift to give me the courage to do this publically. Come on, she writes boys names in songs- I can put them in my blogs.


Mitchell.

I dated him when I was 15. We actually got together on April Fool's Day when I was 14. Turned 15. We dated over the summer (he was gone most of the summer in California). I won't deny that I was sort of a psycho and thought we were going to get married. He was my first boyfriend. COME ON. He dumped me on the first day of school my Sophomore year. That was when I knew high school was just going to be a BLAST. Now, he's in the Army. Actually, he might be in Iraq right now.



Beau.

I met Beau (15 when I was 15) in St. George while I was dating Mitchell. Beau worked at a laser arcade. I was visiting my best friend Ali since 6th grade. I got his number. I didn't text him until Mitchell and I had broken up. Beau and I had a "long distant relationship." We talked every night on the phone. I don't even know what we talked about. I mean, not a lot had gone on in my life, I was only 15. We saw each other ONCE when we were dating. We officially got together in October. Saw each other in December. We broke up in February. He pretended that his mom got mad that we were dating and broke his phone. I didn't hear from him for two weeks. He broke up with me. I found out from a girl who went to his school that he was dating someone else. Now, I actually talked to him a few days ago, randomly. He's dating a girl. They've been dating for 8-10 months. Things are going pretty good with him. He was also a little bit on the drunk side when I talked to him. HA.


Tucker.

Oh boy. Well, Tucker (17 when I was 15) was also a "long distant relationship." He was friends with my friend Ali. He saw I was on her "top friends" on Myspace. He added me as a friend. He wrote me and told me that him and his girlfriend of two years broke up and thought I was cute. I went to visit Ali in St. George for spring break (this was right after me and Beau broke up so in April). He gave me a stuffed animal bunny that I still have from him. The day I left he went with his ex to Las Vegas for something. I don't remember. Two weeks after that he told me about it and that he had been hanging out with her and had been cheating on me. Dumped him. They dated for a while then he moved to Colorado. I think he now lives in Cedar City. And his ex actually died of a drug overdose last month.


Zach.

I knew Zach (18, when I was 16) since I was 14. Been on and off for two years. In June, I gave something to him. He then cheated on me that same day. Now, I have no idea what he's doing. The last knew is that he was dating someone.


Shane.

I met him a little bit after that. My best friend Lauren was meeting him off of Myspace and his friend Blake. Shane (19, when I was 16) and I (16) ended up getting together. We broke up in August, I think. My mom found stuff from Planned Parenthood. She freaked me out saying I was pregnant. While I was at school, he came to my house and talked to my dad and told him he wanted to marry me or something. Later that day he told me he found an apartment for us. We went to the mall, I took a pregnancy test. Negative. He told me he still wanted to marry me. I dumped him. I was 16. SO not ready to get married. Sorry. Now, he's married and has a 6 month old little girl. (I found out from one of his friends)


Joel.

I met Joel (17 when I was 17) my second semester of my Junior year. We didn't start talking until I had been hospitalized. I also thought he "saved me." For some reason, at that time, no one wanted to be my friend. But he befriended. I mean, I was a LOSER. No one would sit with me at lunch or talk to me. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends for lunch. We got together May 12, 2007. I would say he was my first love. But it wasn't love. He was my "high school sweetheart." I got sent away to a wilderness program October that year. Then to West Ridge Academy after that. We would write letters but we never really saw each other. Only on the weekends when I was able to come home. When I did come home he wanted to marry me. But I wasn't happy with him. He was kind of psycho. Very needy and depressed. I pretty much got with him because he gave me attention when I needed it. And I got with him to save him from his depressed state. I did nothing but made it worse. He wanted me to do things with him and other girls. He wanted me to be okay with him sleeping with other girls. I was torn APART. Because I thought I loved him and that when we got married that he wouldn't want that anymore (but he expressed me that he still did and wanted to be a polygamist). I cheated on him with Nic to get away. That was the only way I could. We officially ended in October 2008. A few weeks later, after I had changed my number, he got it from a mutual friend. He told me he was saving up money for an engagement ring for me but now he was going to kill me and Nic. (Before that he tried to kill himself twice and was hospitalized both times) Now, he's a drug dealer. He's on the verge of being homeless. I know this because he comes in and randomly stalks me at my work.



Nic.

You all know about him. I thought he saved me from Joel. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I realized that I needed someone better than Joel and I found Nic. I just need to find someone better than Nic. Now, all he's doing is working. Nothing else.

Now, why did I do this? Because I'm DONE with all of that. I'm done with my past. I'm done with all the boys that hurt me.

What hurts is having memories. I've been sleeping in the basement of my house. The bed that I'm sleeping in, is kind of like the one that Nic has at his house. I woke up last night and thought I was there with him. It FREAKED me out. Like I had gone back in time to fix things. But that's not what happened. I ended up texting him telling him that it sucked getting over him but I know I will someday. It sucked having memories of him.I also told him it bothered me with the text he sent me how I was doing because he never did it while I was pregnant.

My friend Alyssa and I signed up for LDS Singles. Yeah, we're losers. I've met a few guys off of their hoping to find someone "normal." I would tell the guys before about Olivia. They did not respect my sacred experience with her. They would tell me how hard it must've been for me. But they looked at it as, "Oh, she's had sex. She's been with another guy." It's DISGUSTS me to no end to be looked at that way. I'm SO glad my subscription ends soon. I don't want to encounter guys like that ever again.

I've just been realizing that now, that Satan is working his butt OFF trying to get me to do wrong. To fall back to my old life and patterns. I realize this because right now, all I'm attracting are the guys who just want sex from me, even though they're "good return missionaries." All I have to say is SCREW YOU. It sickens me that there are so many return missionaries that come home and slack off. Like it meant NOTHING to them. I don't know about you, but I've had to do A LOT to have this close relationship with God. I don't think I want to ruin that again. I had to humble myself to make myself a better person. Sadly, I had to learn that way. And it's sad to me the guys who were "worthy missionaries" come home and do NOTHING with that. They did "what they were told" to go on a mission. It doesn't stop there. It doesn't automatically mean you're saved. I know I'm not saved from the experience I had. I still have a lot more that I have to work on. Why can't anyone understand that? I thought boys come home from their missions as men, not as pigs. Sorry. It's sad that us, girls, have to wait for the "right guy" but all the wrong ones come home.

At this time, I would like to give a shout out to all the good guys in the world. Alyssa was chatting with a guy. I was just sitting with her and she was showing me his pictures and that he's divorced and his ex wife just had a baby. When he found out she was pregnant he started going full time to school and to work so his ex could be a stay at home mom. His ex got lonely and needed attention. She cheated on him. A few weeks later, she went home to visit her step mom and cheated on him again. She told him a week later about both guys and decided to divorce her.

He said, "I cry myself to sleep every night cause I miss my daughter so much."

His ex is not letting him see his daughter and he's fighting for custody. His ex smoked and smokes around the baby.

He said, "I get comforted by Heavenly Father often, but it still hurts. I never thought becoming a parent would be this difficult. I never wanted this for my child. I know how you feel with you not being with your baby. Sorry to hear about your situation. I bet that is hard. I don't know the strong bond between a mother and a child but i am sure it was and has been emotionally hard for you.
People think I sound korny when I go against what the real world has taught that women are lower than men and should be treated as dirt. I would never spit nor slap nor hit a woman...I mean in the scripture it says Heavenly Father protected Our Heavenly Mother's name so it would not be defiled in this world like His name is... out of respect and love. That is what every woman should be given.
I am already crying. I gave my ex the world...the way in my mind I always wanted to treat a woman that I married and even though I don't care what the real world thinks of me... I wanted those immature women that settle for abuse to see that there are a handful of us decent guys left in this wicked world. I promised Heavenly Father that I would do that for the woman I decided to make the mother of my children. I guess it didn't matter to her. I tried everything. Heavenly Father says I deserve better now, but it's so hard for me to find a woman who doesn't care that I am divorced with a baby girl. Most women settle for what they got and when they see a guy that might be too good to be true they just run out of fear. My heart aches so bad. It's not the fact that I want to rush into a marriage... I just want a woman who will appreciate what I really do and the hard worker that I am. Right now I am a full time student with two jobs so if I do get my baby girl I can quit a job and can support both of us until I can find a woman who can treat my daughter as her own."

My heart hurts for HIM. I mean, I prayed with all my heart while I was pregnant that Nic could be that guy. That Nic could love me and his daughter. That he had felt that strongly and that motivated to do whatever it took to make us happy and to make it work. When he first told me that adoption was what's best. I felt like he was giving up on us. I wanted to scream and cry at him (trust me, I did multiple times). He never fully understood how much it meant to me. No guy will understand what it's like for a woman to get pregnant or the want to get pregnant.
I heard it ALL the time while I was pregnant, "A woman becomes a mother when she finds out she's pregnant. A man becomes a father when he sees his baby."
Nic never really understood because he wasn't there for me during my pregnancy. I can't do anything about it now because it's over. I wish I could educate the guys who do run away from the girls that they get pregnant. He may think that it's best for him and that he isn't effecting anyone. He hurts both the girl and his future child.

When I went to the high school presentation. The teacher said something that most of the reason why we placed our babies for adoption so they could have a mom AND a dad. And it looked like most of the guys left us. A lot of the boys piped up and said, "I would never do that."
Trust me, Nic said that to me, when I asked him what would happen if I got pregnant. He said to me, "I would never leave you. I think I'm ready to be a father right now."

All that I'm trying to say out of this. I'm not saying I'm ready to find my "soul mate" or get married right away. I'm saying I'm done with all the fake guys in my life that pretend that care about me. I'm ready to find a guy who has the same standards as me and want to date me. Not because they think I'm "easy" or have "experience."
Maybe I'm just not ready to date at all. And I'm totally okay with that.

I'm okay waiting for TWO years because I got a hot missionary that I'm writing. SUCKAS. (I met him at EFY when I was 17. We went out on a few dates while I was pregnant. He went into the MTC the day that Olivia was born.)




:)

Sorry this is SO long.

Strep & Videos

Man, I'm doing so bad with the grateful posts things and doing like two per blog. I had an excuse yesterday. I was sick TO THE MAX.

Nov. 7-I'm grateful for...

1. Picture messages from D&V (THANK YOU! I love them always! They make my day!)

(I love this picture! She's a daddy's girl.)

2. Not having swine flu (I have strep though)

3. Having a friend come over while I'm sick and watch the Jazz game (sad day for the Jazz, they lost to Sacramento), play Kingsburg, stay up until 5 in the morning with me (;
Mwahahaha.


Nov. 8- I'm grateful for...

1. Videos of Olivia (She's grown up SO much!)


(I was watching Olivia the day before she left to go home for Virginia. Here's one of the videos from that day.)

2. Sleeping in. (It doesn't help that I stayed up until 5. I slept in until 2. I didn't go to church because of strep. I didn't work on Saturday either. So thank you for Curtis for covering for me!)

3. Kimberly.
She's struggling with some trials in her life and wish I could be there for her. I know what she's going through and it's hard when you feel like everyone is against you.