Dating

I'm grateful for...

1. Safety For The Soul- Conference talk by Jeffery R. Holland.
I read something the other day that made me SICK to my stomach. Just a friend that I know, his mom fell away from the Church. I'll just quote what she said, "I regret having my children grow up in the Church." Reading this talk gives me comfort more than anything that I absolutely do NOT regret growing up in this Church. I do NOT regret choosing that Olivia will grow up in a home with parents who are firm believers in this Church and have a strong foundation in it. I hope when I'm ready to have children of my own someday that I will be to have them grow up in the Gospel.

2. I love you texts from my mommy.
"Goodnight... I love you my little Steffie-Q."



3. Taylor Swift for writing songs about D-bags that cheat on her. She just takes the words right out of my mouth.

Well, I thought I would take the time to write about dating after Olivia/placement.

I have written probably some nasty, hurtful things towards Nic while I was pregnant or after placement. Because I have been hurt... too many times. I have been bitter about the way Nic had treated me during that time in my life. I never thought he was going to turn out to be one of "those guys"... you know what I'm talking about. The jerks, the users, the cheaters, the liars, whatever you think "those guys" are. That's what he became in my heart while I was pregnant. I couldn't believe that the guy that told me he loved me, left me and his daughter to fend for ourselves. Of course, I was pregnant AND single. During that time, is when I needed people the most. I also found out who my real friends were, the ones who stuck with me through thick and thin.

I want to take the time to dedicate this blog to the slimbags that I did date. (: And I'd like to thank Taylor Swift to give me the courage to do this publically. Come on, she writes boys names in songs- I can put them in my blogs.


Mitchell.

I dated him when I was 15. We actually got together on April Fool's Day when I was 14. Turned 15. We dated over the summer (he was gone most of the summer in California). I won't deny that I was sort of a psycho and thought we were going to get married. He was my first boyfriend. COME ON. He dumped me on the first day of school my Sophomore year. That was when I knew high school was just going to be a BLAST. Now, he's in the Army. Actually, he might be in Iraq right now.



Beau.

I met Beau (15 when I was 15) in St. George while I was dating Mitchell. Beau worked at a laser arcade. I was visiting my best friend Ali since 6th grade. I got his number. I didn't text him until Mitchell and I had broken up. Beau and I had a "long distant relationship." We talked every night on the phone. I don't even know what we talked about. I mean, not a lot had gone on in my life, I was only 15. We saw each other ONCE when we were dating. We officially got together in October. Saw each other in December. We broke up in February. He pretended that his mom got mad that we were dating and broke his phone. I didn't hear from him for two weeks. He broke up with me. I found out from a girl who went to his school that he was dating someone else. Now, I actually talked to him a few days ago, randomly. He's dating a girl. They've been dating for 8-10 months. Things are going pretty good with him. He was also a little bit on the drunk side when I talked to him. HA.


Tucker.

Oh boy. Well, Tucker (17 when I was 15) was also a "long distant relationship." He was friends with my friend Ali. He saw I was on her "top friends" on Myspace. He added me as a friend. He wrote me and told me that him and his girlfriend of two years broke up and thought I was cute. I went to visit Ali in St. George for spring break (this was right after me and Beau broke up so in April). He gave me a stuffed animal bunny that I still have from him. The day I left he went with his ex to Las Vegas for something. I don't remember. Two weeks after that he told me about it and that he had been hanging out with her and had been cheating on me. Dumped him. They dated for a while then he moved to Colorado. I think he now lives in Cedar City. And his ex actually died of a drug overdose last month.


Zach.

I knew Zach (18, when I was 16) since I was 14. Been on and off for two years. In June, I gave something to him. He then cheated on me that same day. Now, I have no idea what he's doing. The last knew is that he was dating someone.


Shane.

I met him a little bit after that. My best friend Lauren was meeting him off of Myspace and his friend Blake. Shane (19, when I was 16) and I (16) ended up getting together. We broke up in August, I think. My mom found stuff from Planned Parenthood. She freaked me out saying I was pregnant. While I was at school, he came to my house and talked to my dad and told him he wanted to marry me or something. Later that day he told me he found an apartment for us. We went to the mall, I took a pregnancy test. Negative. He told me he still wanted to marry me. I dumped him. I was 16. SO not ready to get married. Sorry. Now, he's married and has a 6 month old little girl. (I found out from one of his friends)


Joel.

I met Joel (17 when I was 17) my second semester of my Junior year. We didn't start talking until I had been hospitalized. I also thought he "saved me." For some reason, at that time, no one wanted to be my friend. But he befriended. I mean, I was a LOSER. No one would sit with me at lunch or talk to me. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends for lunch. We got together May 12, 2007. I would say he was my first love. But it wasn't love. He was my "high school sweetheart." I got sent away to a wilderness program October that year. Then to West Ridge Academy after that. We would write letters but we never really saw each other. Only on the weekends when I was able to come home. When I did come home he wanted to marry me. But I wasn't happy with him. He was kind of psycho. Very needy and depressed. I pretty much got with him because he gave me attention when I needed it. And I got with him to save him from his depressed state. I did nothing but made it worse. He wanted me to do things with him and other girls. He wanted me to be okay with him sleeping with other girls. I was torn APART. Because I thought I loved him and that when we got married that he wouldn't want that anymore (but he expressed me that he still did and wanted to be a polygamist). I cheated on him with Nic to get away. That was the only way I could. We officially ended in October 2008. A few weeks later, after I had changed my number, he got it from a mutual friend. He told me he was saving up money for an engagement ring for me but now he was going to kill me and Nic. (Before that he tried to kill himself twice and was hospitalized both times) Now, he's a drug dealer. He's on the verge of being homeless. I know this because he comes in and randomly stalks me at my work.



Nic.

You all know about him. I thought he saved me from Joel. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I realized that I needed someone better than Joel and I found Nic. I just need to find someone better than Nic. Now, all he's doing is working. Nothing else.

Now, why did I do this? Because I'm DONE with all of that. I'm done with my past. I'm done with all the boys that hurt me.

What hurts is having memories. I've been sleeping in the basement of my house. The bed that I'm sleeping in, is kind of like the one that Nic has at his house. I woke up last night and thought I was there with him. It FREAKED me out. Like I had gone back in time to fix things. But that's not what happened. I ended up texting him telling him that it sucked getting over him but I know I will someday. It sucked having memories of him.I also told him it bothered me with the text he sent me how I was doing because he never did it while I was pregnant.

My friend Alyssa and I signed up for LDS Singles. Yeah, we're losers. I've met a few guys off of their hoping to find someone "normal." I would tell the guys before about Olivia. They did not respect my sacred experience with her. They would tell me how hard it must've been for me. But they looked at it as, "Oh, she's had sex. She's been with another guy." It's DISGUSTS me to no end to be looked at that way. I'm SO glad my subscription ends soon. I don't want to encounter guys like that ever again.

I've just been realizing that now, that Satan is working his butt OFF trying to get me to do wrong. To fall back to my old life and patterns. I realize this because right now, all I'm attracting are the guys who just want sex from me, even though they're "good return missionaries." All I have to say is SCREW YOU. It sickens me that there are so many return missionaries that come home and slack off. Like it meant NOTHING to them. I don't know about you, but I've had to do A LOT to have this close relationship with God. I don't think I want to ruin that again. I had to humble myself to make myself a better person. Sadly, I had to learn that way. And it's sad to me the guys who were "worthy missionaries" come home and do NOTHING with that. They did "what they were told" to go on a mission. It doesn't stop there. It doesn't automatically mean you're saved. I know I'm not saved from the experience I had. I still have a lot more that I have to work on. Why can't anyone understand that? I thought boys come home from their missions as men, not as pigs. Sorry. It's sad that us, girls, have to wait for the "right guy" but all the wrong ones come home.

At this time, I would like to give a shout out to all the good guys in the world. Alyssa was chatting with a guy. I was just sitting with her and she was showing me his pictures and that he's divorced and his ex wife just had a baby. When he found out she was pregnant he started going full time to school and to work so his ex could be a stay at home mom. His ex got lonely and needed attention. She cheated on him. A few weeks later, she went home to visit her step mom and cheated on him again. She told him a week later about both guys and decided to divorce her.

He said, "I cry myself to sleep every night cause I miss my daughter so much."

His ex is not letting him see his daughter and he's fighting for custody. His ex smoked and smokes around the baby.

He said, "I get comforted by Heavenly Father often, but it still hurts. I never thought becoming a parent would be this difficult. I never wanted this for my child. I know how you feel with you not being with your baby. Sorry to hear about your situation. I bet that is hard. I don't know the strong bond between a mother and a child but i am sure it was and has been emotionally hard for you.
People think I sound korny when I go against what the real world has taught that women are lower than men and should be treated as dirt. I would never spit nor slap nor hit a woman...I mean in the scripture it says Heavenly Father protected Our Heavenly Mother's name so it would not be defiled in this world like His name is... out of respect and love. That is what every woman should be given.
I am already crying. I gave my ex the world...the way in my mind I always wanted to treat a woman that I married and even though I don't care what the real world thinks of me... I wanted those immature women that settle for abuse to see that there are a handful of us decent guys left in this wicked world. I promised Heavenly Father that I would do that for the woman I decided to make the mother of my children. I guess it didn't matter to her. I tried everything. Heavenly Father says I deserve better now, but it's so hard for me to find a woman who doesn't care that I am divorced with a baby girl. Most women settle for what they got and when they see a guy that might be too good to be true they just run out of fear. My heart aches so bad. It's not the fact that I want to rush into a marriage... I just want a woman who will appreciate what I really do and the hard worker that I am. Right now I am a full time student with two jobs so if I do get my baby girl I can quit a job and can support both of us until I can find a woman who can treat my daughter as her own."

My heart hurts for HIM. I mean, I prayed with all my heart while I was pregnant that Nic could be that guy. That Nic could love me and his daughter. That he had felt that strongly and that motivated to do whatever it took to make us happy and to make it work. When he first told me that adoption was what's best. I felt like he was giving up on us. I wanted to scream and cry at him (trust me, I did multiple times). He never fully understood how much it meant to me. No guy will understand what it's like for a woman to get pregnant or the want to get pregnant.
I heard it ALL the time while I was pregnant, "A woman becomes a mother when she finds out she's pregnant. A man becomes a father when he sees his baby."
Nic never really understood because he wasn't there for me during my pregnancy. I can't do anything about it now because it's over. I wish I could educate the guys who do run away from the girls that they get pregnant. He may think that it's best for him and that he isn't effecting anyone. He hurts both the girl and his future child.

When I went to the high school presentation. The teacher said something that most of the reason why we placed our babies for adoption so they could have a mom AND a dad. And it looked like most of the guys left us. A lot of the boys piped up and said, "I would never do that."
Trust me, Nic said that to me, when I asked him what would happen if I got pregnant. He said to me, "I would never leave you. I think I'm ready to be a father right now."

All that I'm trying to say out of this. I'm not saying I'm ready to find my "soul mate" or get married right away. I'm saying I'm done with all the fake guys in my life that pretend that care about me. I'm ready to find a guy who has the same standards as me and want to date me. Not because they think I'm "easy" or have "experience."
Maybe I'm just not ready to date at all. And I'm totally okay with that.

I'm okay waiting for TWO years because I got a hot missionary that I'm writing. SUCKAS. (I met him at EFY when I was 17. We went out on a few dates while I was pregnant. He went into the MTC the day that Olivia was born.)




:)

Sorry this is SO long.

Strep & Videos

Man, I'm doing so bad with the grateful posts things and doing like two per blog. I had an excuse yesterday. I was sick TO THE MAX.

Nov. 7-I'm grateful for...

1. Picture messages from D&V (THANK YOU! I love them always! They make my day!)

(I love this picture! She's a daddy's girl.)

2. Not having swine flu (I have strep though)

3. Having a friend come over while I'm sick and watch the Jazz game (sad day for the Jazz, they lost to Sacramento), play Kingsburg, stay up until 5 in the morning with me (;
Mwahahaha.


Nov. 8- I'm grateful for...

1. Videos of Olivia (She's grown up SO much!)


(I was watching Olivia the day before she left to go home for Virginia. Here's one of the videos from that day.)

2. Sleeping in. (It doesn't help that I stayed up until 5. I slept in until 2. I didn't go to church because of strep. I didn't work on Saturday either. So thank you for Curtis for covering for me!)

3. Kimberly.
She's struggling with some trials in her life and wish I could be there for her. I know what she's going through and it's hard when you feel like everyone is against you.

Music&Horoscopes

I'm grateful for...

1. Horoscopes
2. Friends
3. Power of Music

Horoscopes- Well, on my Facebook I have signed up to see my daily horoscope. I used to check it everyday but not so much anymore. But I swear EVERY time I look at it. It's something creepily correct. I think I remember reading one of them the day I went into labor and it said something like, "be patient. You might not want to ask for help but let it happen if people want to help you."
If you don't know me, I can be the most stubborn person on the planet. Thank you, Taurus.

This is my horoscope for today.
"Feels like a time for change in your intimate and personal partnerships. A sense of emotional coolness or detachment at the personal level all combined with an emphasis on idealism. Your tolerance for those who's energies aren't in tune with yours is becoming more noticeable. Definitely a time to consider making some changes or even talking about the issues at hand."

I'm obviously looking for friends or guys who have the same values as me. It's hard when I still have my old friends and still had those old habits that I don't want to get into. It's hard to drop them off the face of the Earth or just be acquaintance's.
I have been struggling with that. Because they will contact me and to be nice I will reply. But at times I just know who they are and what they do. I try to stay away from them as much as I can so I can't be put in a bad situation.
I definitely have been considering making some changes or even talking about the issues at hand with someone. Aka Bishop.

Friends- My friend Alyssa, who is a birth mom as well, made a blog. And she posted some beautiful things about me. She is an awesome friend. I can't believe how much we've both been through and we've both been through the same thing. Yet at the same time we had different things happening within our adoption story.
Birth moms have this unspeakable bond towards each other. We all feel the heartache. We hear of their experiences and remember what it was like. Sometimes, girls don't even have to talk about their story. A girl has recently placed her baby for adoption in our group and when I found out she had her baby. My heart HURT. I wanted to break down and just cry because I remember all the emotions and thoughts of giving birth, of holding your baby for the first time, saying hello and goodbye, and seeing your baby with his/her new parents.
Alyssa is honestly my spirit sister. She listens to me when I'm complaining STILL about the baby's daddy. Even though, I shouldn't. She's amazing!
So is my friend Jessica- she has been there through me most of me growing up and going through my rebellious stage. She and I got the hint around the same time that we needed to grow up. We did. We have matured and she is a beautiful lady!

Power of Music- Speaking of Jessica. She works at a nursing home. Her mom and a friend of hers sang some songs to the elderly. I love music. I love how much it touches our hearts. I mean, sometimes words aren't enough, or you can't say the right words. Yet with music, it comes out so fluently and perfect, you wish that's how you could speak.
Jessica's mom and her friend sang the song, "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride.
Just in the first verse I broke DOWN. Jessica's mom has known about Olivia and the adoption and she looked over at me and had to have her friend sing the song because she started crying, once she saw me crying.



"In My Daugher's Eyes"- Martina McBride
In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero I am strong and wise
And I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh, It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hanging on when your heart
Has had enough
It's giving more when you feel
Like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am
And what will be
And though she'll grow
And someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see
How happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes


While looking up the lyrics and videos on Youtube, I also found this song, I believe it was on Quest for Camelot. Julianna goes to save King Arthur and Camelot. I think that this song could be sung by a birth mom to an adoptive couple or adoptive mother.



A Mother's Prayer

I pray you'll be my eyes
And watch her where she goes
And help her to be wise
Help me to let go

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

I pray she finds your light
And holds it in her heart
As darkness falls each night
Remind her where you are

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Need to find a place
Guide her with your grace
Give her faith so she'll be safe

Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

:)

6 weeks

Look at my little gangster (:

Cute Smile (:

I'm grateful for...

1. Weekly picture updates.
2. High school presentations.
3. Post-placement group and Priesthood.


2- Well, today I went to Pleasant Grove high school and did a presentation on adoption. I wasn't really prepared because I went to watch a birth mom do a presentation. The second one, we had a few other birth moms come and watch and the birth mom actually invited us all to share our story. I was SO nervous. But it was so nice to have kids come up afterward and tell you thank you. I love educating people about adoption and how wonderful it is. (:

3- Post-placement group. The same birth mom that did the presentations today actually leads the post-placement group. Our group today was about virtue. And I LOVED it. It was a talk by Elaine S. Dalton called Return to Virtue. This whole discussion was basically an answer to my prayers and what I needed to hear. It has given me the extra push to want to do better.

Virtue means purity. It begins in the heart and in the mind.

So what are some of the things that we can do right now in order to remain virtuous in a toxic world?

First, repent. I am very aware that there are some listening tonight who don’t feel virtuous or who have made mistakes. That is why a return to virtue is so important. You must know that you can return. You can change.

If I were going the wrong way in the middle of a marathon, and I realized my mistake, would I keep going? I would immediately turn around! Why? Because I would have lost valuable time and precious energy and strength, and it would be much harder for me to finish the marathon because of this extra distance and added time. I wouldn’t stay on the wrong course because no matter how long I ran there, I would never reach the finish line. And yet for many who have made a moral mistake, a little voice keeps saying: “You blew it. You can’t change. No one will ever know anyway.” To you I would say, Don’t believe it. “Satan wants you to think that you cannot repent, but that is absolutely not true.” A return is always possible because of the Savior’s Atonement. President Monson has said to each of us who have made mistakes: “If any of you has slipped along the way, there are those who will help you to once again become clean and worthy. Your bishop or branch president is anxious and willing to help and will, with understanding and compassion, do all within his power to assist you in the repentance process, that you may once again stand in righteousness before the Lord.”

Second, be careful about your choice of friends. In today’s technological society, we may spend more time with nonhuman companions than we do with our peers. While we may be very careful about our human companions, sometimes we give little thought to the other companions that we allow to influence us. Media of any kind can be a very powerful social influencer. We have all been given three precious gifts for our mortal experience. These include our body, our agency, and our time. If Satan can entice us to use our time in unfocused or unproductive or, even worse, nonvirtuous pursuits and then deceive us into believing that if we do this in private our actions don’t affect anyone, he is victorious. “If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we [must] seek after these things”

Seek the companionship of virtuous friends, not virtual friends. Remember, “virtue loveth virtue [and] light cleaveth unto light” . This is a relationship scripture. In your pursuit of friendships and an eternal marriage partner, you cannot just make a list of all the qualities you are looking for in another or in an eternal companion. You must be your list at all times and in all things and in all places.

Third, enter a program of strict training. When training for a marathon, one has to have a strict training plan in order to be prepared to go the distance. This same concept applies to life. We are in the run of our life, and there must be a strict training plan. The success components of this plan include things we will do every single day, without fail, in order to invite the Spirit’s companionship into our life. They will be different for each of us but will always include daily prayer. Our Heavenly Father hears our prayers, and He will answer them. I testify that that is true. Our challenge is to be in a place where we can hear and recognize the answers.

Strict training will also include daily reading of the Book of Mormon. Joseph Smith said that “a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book.”The Book of Mormon will increase your faith in Jesus Christ, and it is through your faith that you will be able to withstand temptation. This record is for you and your generation. Reading just five minutes every single day will change your life. I know this is true because I have been doing it, and so have thousands of others. Think of the change in five years if every one of us would commit to do this even for just five minutes every single day.

Lastly, smile! And when you smile, remember who you are. You are sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. He knows you. He knows your name. He trusts you, and He loves you. So, smile! This is just basic training, but it must be strictly done every single day.

“Press forward with … a perfect brightness of hope”. Don’t get discouraged! Your journey will be challenging at times, and it will not always be easy.

Your lives of purity and virtue are the banner that will cause the nations of the earth to look up—to come to the temple. As you remain virtuous, you will be led by the Holy Ghost, and your personal virtue will qualify you to go to the temple often. If you don’t have a recommend, now is the time to become worthy to receive one. This is your work. The temple will be a strength and a protection to you in an ever-darkening world, and it will become an ensign not only to you but to the nations. A return to virtue is a return to the temple, and a return to the temple is a return to the Savior.


Priesthood- I was talking to my friend Alyssa on the way home from group about it. And something struck me so hard that it brought me to tears and it was the Priesthood.
I remember when my dad walked in the room while I was in labor and when he walked in I honestly felt the Spirit intensify. My dad didn't even have to say that he was going to give me a blessing because I knew. And it brought me to tears just seeing him walk in and feeling the Spirit. And when I was telling her that I was choking back the tears just remembering the feeling of the Spirit and of the Priesthood. Dustinn and my dad were able to put their hands on my head and bless me and Olivia. It was a very sacred and spiritual moment for me that I can barely even begin to describe. I'm grateful for the Gospel and how much it has blessed me. I can't wait to return to virtue and be clean. I can't wait to find the guy that will be able to bless me and my future children by the Priesthood.

I'm going to the midnight showing of The Fourth Kind (:
Yep, another scary movie. Wish me luck! Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight... without the light on this time.

Grateful&Caring

November 3- I'm grateful for...

1. New 20 dollar pants and 40 dollar boots. Thank you Fred Meyer and Kohl's for making me so stylish.
2. Flights that are on time. (I got home from Oregon yesterday)
3. That I'm not one of the "Plus Eight" from Jon&Kate.

November 4- I'm grateful for...

1. Having a healthy pregnancy and wonderful healthy baby.
2. Adoption. All the blessings, opportunities, and people that come with it.
3. Babies- I'm an Auntie times 5. My oldest sister is due in July. I found out on Monday.

I just got back from a week long vacation with my sister Erika. It was a blast seeing her and her children. I hadn't seen her since March.

She has posted some pictures from the trip on her blog. It was definitely fun and nice to be able to get away from everything. Hey, if guys can run away when they find out they got their girlfriend pregnant. I can run away after I placed my baby for adoption. Probably not the best thing, but it was nice to have someone who knew my situation and not having to be bombarded with questions everyday and have to repeat myself over and over.

I was able to see my Grandma and my Aunt.

I did kind of grow a back bone while in Oregon. Well. Out of the random, Nic texted me.
Yeah, I NEVER hear from him. It's always me having to initiate conversation.
All he asked was how I was doing.
I told him I was good and in Oregon and how he was.
He said he was good and he was just checking on me to see how I was doing.

For some reason, this BOTHERED me. I mean, I didn't really have to think about him at all during my trip. Okay, that's a lie.
When my dad dropped me off at the airport, this time last year, Nic and I were together. He was planning on getting a job at the airport and moving out to Salt Lake and he wanted me to move in with him. It didn't help that there was a couple on the airplane with a baby. It made me think about when Dustinn and Val flew home with Olivia. And I just cried. I cried because I was alone. I cried because I had empty arms and nothing to show. I cried because I was happy that Dustinn and Val did have that. Lots of emotion.

Well, I thought about it most of the day. I mean, why would he start asking me NOW? He didn't ask me how I was doing while I was pregnant.

I texted him the day after he sent me that text and I said to him, "Look Nic, you don't have to pretend that you care about me and ask me how I'm doing. I know you don't."
I didn't get anything back.

But that's just how I feel. I don't want someone to PRETEND that they care about me. And I know that he doesn't because if he did, we'd be together. We'd be a family. I'm just sick of his BS and want to find someone who really does care. I was at the point where I thought I was getting over him and ready to move on. Then he texted me out of the blue. This next year will be really hard on me. I hate memories. Everything good has to come back to me. Mine and Nic's relationship was great. Not so great after he dumped me and didn't care to come back to me. I remember all the good things.
Erika and I went to Kohl's and I got a mommy&me frame and going to put a picture of me and Olivia in there. And I saw a daddy&me and thought about getting it for Nic for Christmas. I CAN'T think that way. I was with Nic during Christmas, so of course, all of that came back. I can't listen to Saving Abel at all these next few months because it brings back too many memories of us listening to them together. I wish I had some way to block him out of my mind. But I can't. He's always there. Just like Olivia is always going to be there.

To me, it felt like Nic was just seeing how I was doing since I haven't talked to him in a while. It's like he missed his fan club. Baha. I don't know. I'm sure that it's just me ranting about how much I still care about him and feels like he doesn't. I really don't know how he feels so I can't tell you that. I don't ever talk to him. So.

I talked to Nic and apologized for what I said to him and that I just felt like he didn't care. And he said, "Well I wouldn't do it if I didn't care but I'll leave you alone."
Meh. That's my life. Sorry to end this so abruptly. I'm going out on a double date tonight. (:
I love this blog post.
November is the National Adoption Month. Woot.

Grateful

Val and some of her family are posting "3 things I am grateful for" each day, for the month of November. Feel free to join via your own blog or comment. (:

November 1st-

I'm grateful for...

1. Dustinn and Val. I miss them SO much. I think of them all the time.

2. Warm, sunny weather. (unfortunately there is none here in Oregon)

3. My sister Erika for staying up with me until 3 in the morning just talking.

November 2nd-

I'm grateful for...

1. My cute little nieces and nephew. (:

2. Modern communication (blogs, facebook, cellphones, email, snail mail)

3. This sweet princess that is 2,900 miles away. She's changed my life.

Olivia's first Halloween

Bradshaw was a monkey and Olivia was a flower. They weren't able to go Trick-or-Treating because it was raining outside. I love the pictures. I hope D&V don't mind that I steal their pictures off their blog. (: