Random Thoughts

I was just thinking the other day. When I was falling asleep Tayler was tickling my back and telling me how much and why he loved me. I have an adorable husband. That's all I have to say :) But something he said really made me think.

He said, "I love (or married) you because I want you to be the mother of my children."

 I hope this post will all make sense in a minute. Me and Tayler are not planning on having kids right away. We're waiting until he's done with school or whenever the Lord says it's time for us to have a baby :) But I was thinking. You know, I had a baby. Surprise, surprise.

He didn't love me because I was a mother.

He didn't love me because I had a child.

He didn't love me because I was the mother his child.

(Contrary to popular belief. Tayler is NOT Olivia's bithfather. You can go back to the beginning of my blog and figure that one out.)

He loved me because he WANTS me to be the mother of his children.

You know, I watch Teen Mom and you see all the teenagers all plan their wedding and it's not because they WANT to get married to each other. They want to be married because they are going to have a baby. Not something so great to start a marriage off with. (P.S. I'm also not saying that babies aren't a great way to start off a marriage. It's not that great to start off a marriage by only getting married because of the baby. If you were planning on getting married before you got pregnant. All power to  you.)And not that the marriages even go through on there example- Ryan & Maci. or Gary & Amber- Don't even get me started with that HOT mess. But I'll be honest. I was one of those girls. I wanted to get married because I was having a baby. I'm not looking at that situation saying, "Oh. I feel sorry for you." There should be many other reasons to be married not just because you're carrying your lover's child or because you created a child. I know I should've worked on that logic almost two years ago when I found out when I was pregnant. Jeez. I can't believe it will be two years in January. Time really has just flown by.

I look back and I think about it sometimes. Just sometimes. If I did get married just because I was having a baby with Olivia's birthfather. He could clearly see the future better than I could but he already knew that he didn't want to marry me before I went back and told him I was pregnant. We broke up for a reason. I didn't understand it at the time but I get it now. I know we have both moved on to what we know is something better than what would've/could've been.

Olivia has a mom and a dad. Not just a mom and a dad that she sees on the weekends. Olivia is apart of an eternal family. I could've given that to her, but when? I didn't know the answer. I still don't. I wouldn't have met Tayler if I parented Olivia. I joined LDS singles as a joke after having Olivia to have fun and have some sort of distraction and meet knew people instead of staying in the guck of my past.

I didn't want to deny that to Olivia. I know some of you believe I "settled for less" because I didn't get married in the Temple. When the person that I live with reminds me and tells me everyday how much they can't wait to take me to the Temple in less than a year. You can tell me that I settled for less, now. Please. I'm waiting. Seriously. I don't want to deny that happiness and eternal part of a family to any of my children.

I didn't just marry Tayler because I was a mother.

I didn't just marry Tayler because I had a child.

I didn't just marry Tayler because I wanted to have a baby anytime soon.

I married him because I know he'll be the greatest father to our children.

It started when I was pregnant that I knew what was best for my children. It has never stopped. I wanted what was best for Olivia. I gave her a mom, a dad and a brother. I gave her a whole home. I gave her an eternal family. I still wants what best for her because I love her. That will never stop. It will never stop for my own children. I still am thinking of what is best for them. If I didn't think Tayler was the best, I wouldn't have married him. But he's the best out there and I love him so much. I can't wait for him to take me to the Temple someday to be sealed and to be an eternal family to start having babies and to be with eachother, eternally. Instead of holding onto my babies in the hospital and crying because of our departure. I'll be in the hospital holding onto dear life and never letting them go. Because I did what I could. I gave them a mom and a dad. I will be giving them siblings. They will all be apart of an eternal family.

God knows what's up.
He will never give you a trial that you can't overcome.
He will give you a trial because He knows you're strong enough.
You will feel weak but God will give you faith.
God works in mysterious ways.
But I love Him for it.

I'm really procrastinating cleaning my apartment.

It sounds like we're really messy people but once we had our open house- our apartment turned into a tornado again. Yes. Cleaning it is.

Sorry for my huge rambling session.