I'm not somebody you want to cross paths with when I'm angry. Some people think I'm too nice when I'm mean but that's because I don't like to hurt peoples feelings. Maybe because I know an apology must follow afterwards. I don't like sitting in a state of regret and stubborness. I like to just put it all out there. Maybe because the one time I didn't apologize when I should've, I have to live with it. And maybe that regret will always follow me. You all should know who I'm talking about. There's not a day that goes by that I miss my best friend. There's been a girl at work that has now starting to love to quote Dane Cook. He's a comedian. Me and Jessica would ALWAYS quote him. Ironically, the same things she was quoting were Jessica's favorite jokes. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her.
Anyway, that's not what I was here to talk about in the first place. I did want to talk about and vent how much I really don't like adoptive parents who don't follow through what they say they're going to do. I'm not talking about Dustinn and Val. They're doing a perfect job. Just lately, there is a girl that I know. She has always had issues with this family on and off. But that's because the family had promised her an open adoption and because of the adoptive parents own insecurities, they want to close up the adoption.
I think adoptive families have found their cheat sheet to get a baby fast and easy. By saying they're going to have an open adoption. This isn't the first girl that I've encountered with this sort of situation.
I am not writing any names for privacy purposes.
The names involved:
friend.
adopted child...ac.
birthmom...bm.
friends sister.
mean girl...mg.
My friend posted on her status: So apparently, I didn't "give them my baby, it was Heavenly Father and she was always meant to be theirs." That's what the adoptive dad said to my mom. Placing a child is hard enough but if they aren't going to be grateful for placing our children with them, they shouldn't adopt!
Adopted Child *I'm paraphrasing this part*: They are right, friend. This is all Heavenly Father's plan. You were meant to help them. I'm so grateful for my biological parents for giving me up to my new parents. I think that's what God wanted my real mom to do. Even though, my real mom (who is LDS and a bit crazy, hehe) I still love her. But I love my new family because I am sealed to them.
Friend: That's not right, AC. I gave them my child, not Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father gave me a child and I felt the promptings to place especially since I was not in the right place. So it was ME, not Heavenly Father. It was MY choice, she was MY baby, and I wanted to give her everything so I placed her on MY OWN TERMS.
Birthmom: @AC... I don't know your story and I am sure you LOVE your adoptive family and yes, you're sealed but don't assume that Heavenly Father just used us birth moms as a tool to bless another's life and devastate our own.
[Birthmom also wrote a status:
Disappointed with a select genre of Adoptive couples right now.....WHY is it so hard for you to respect and honor the promises you gave your birthmoms before you got what YOU wanted. It's not hard to understand that we can't have PEACE without all the PIECES. We are not dumb. We know YOU'RE the MOM we just need peace.......so try and give it and maybe we'll leave you the HELL alone like you wanted all along.]
Friend's Sister: Yeah, seriously. AC, you place a baby then you can tell us who is right.
AC: @BM- I'm not assuming anything. I'm grateful to my biological parents. They gave me the best gift in the world- a loving family who raised me with the best of everything, because they weren't able to. Yes, I'm sure it was a hard decision, that takes HUGE AMOUNTS of courage and I have major respect for mothers who made the decision to give up their child for a better life and that's just it- when you give up your child for adoption, the new parents then get to decide what is best for their child. Yes, I think it's unfair that, Friend, doesn't get to see her baby, but surely baby's new parents wouldn't be doing it out of hatred or bitterness. They probably think it's best for baby. I'm just speaking from experiences as to being in the adopted child's shoes. I didn't mean to upset anyone
@Friend's sister- That's the thing though- I would NEVER put myself in a situation where I'd have to play my baby up for adoption. I would NEVER bring a soul into this world unless I was 100% certain I could give him/her the best of everything. That's the beauty of living the Gospel though! :) Love and blessings to everyone- Smile <3
Mean Girl: Wow. A bit insensitive much? I understand that you would never put yourself in that situation but think about the girls who have been. Who have not intentionally put themselves there, the could be the girls you go to church with every Sunday and sit next to you everyday. Clearly, knowing Friend and BM and I'm sure Friend's sister and myself went through LDS Family Serivces. We also know the Gospel. But really? What's best for baby is not to see her own birthmom? You are just an adopted child. Never been a birthmom or an adoptive parent. I know you're entitled to your own opinion but you shouldn't enlist your own perspective unless you've been there. I'm sure someday when my daughter is older I will be grateful that she won't want to take the same path as I did. But everything you pointed out was almost a kick in the face. I'm sorry that us, birthmoms, didn't follow the path of righteousness which led us to a consequence. Everything we do has consequences. Good and bad. And luckily, we have the atonement and we can repent and learn from our mistakes. I'm sorry, us birthmoms, did everything we could to give you a good life and just for a little bit in return, we can spend some time and get to see the child we loved for and carried for 9 months and gave birth to. I'm sorry that's too much to ask for. If I were you, I just wouldn't comment anymore on this topic unless you're a little bit more educated in this subject.
AC: Those who have not intentionally put themselves in that kind of situation? The only exceptions are victims of rape. Everyone else INTENTIONALLY puts themselves in situations, whether or not you're willing to admit it. One, subconciously, makes the decision to go to a party, drink, sleep with a random person, etc! Believe it or not, there are these things called morning-after pills that one can take to prevent pregnancy when one knows one is not ready to have a baby. One falls into temptation knowing full well what the consequences are, yet still follows through with it, why? For temporary pleasure? I'm nowhere near perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes... but you're right! What do I know? I'm just an "adopted child" who's feelings shouldn't be taken into consideration. It's only the birthmother's emotional state that should be accounted for. When I was growing up (which is the same kind of thing your daughter will go through) my birthmother visited me every month and it was always awkward. How can she give me up "out of love, because she didn't have enough money to raise me and at the time it was the right thing to do" and then expect to be part of my life? Like it was her God-given right to just visit me when she pleased? You want to talk about kicks in the face? Every one of my birthmother's visits was like a kick in the face. Here was a woman who carried me for 9 months, who was in labor for 3 days giving birth to me and the next day, she's signing ME away- HER creation. So what if she didn't have enough money to raise me? Nothing is impossible when one is willing to make things work. I would've been content with bread and water, as long as I knew that she loved me enough never to give me up. That wasn't the case though, so why would I want her to give me up, only to intrude in my new life? I already have a mother, I didn't need another one. You talk of education? Educate yourself with this: Your daughter is fine and is better off without you. :)"
I'm going to continue being the mean girl that I am because I'm in tears right now. I was in a lot of rage earlier. But what I've said was also hurtful. I would've never talked to Olivia like that. But because I am in my over protective state that I feel like I should be right. There I was being the smart-A that I am. I'm sure I deserved every single thing that was said. Or maybe I didn't, I don't know. But here I go, defending myself. One more time.
Please, don't use the words. "Giving up or gave away or put up." I did NONE of those things. I PLACED Olivia in the loving arms of a new mom. Those words cut like knives. It sounded like I had no soul and I didn't care one damn thing about Olivia and I care for her more than anything in this world. Those are the most negative words in the adoption world.
breaking down everything that ac said...
"Those who have not intentionally put themselves in that kind of situation? The only exceptions are victims of rape. Everyone else INTENTIONALLY puts themselves in situations, whether or not you're willing to admit it. One, subconciously, makes the decision to go to a party, drink, sleep with a random person, etc! Believe it or not, there are these things called morning-after pills that one can take to prevent pregnancy when one knows one is not ready to have a baby. One falls into temptation knowing full well what the consequences are, yet still follows through with it, why? For temporary pleasure? I'm nowhere near perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes... but you're right!"
I knew everyting single thing I was doing back then. I never thought what I did was right in any moment in time. I never intentionally gave myself an unplanned pregnancy. Hence, UNPLANNED. It was never UNWANTED. I was completely sober when I was pregnant with Olivia. I took the right precautions and was on birth control. I'm sorry that I got an allergic reaction to penicillen and took antibiotics that cancelled out my birth control. I'm sorry that I thought I was being completely safe and I wasn't. Which I thought, the morning after pill was not needed. I had not been an active member in the Church since I was 15 years old. I wasn't thinking about temptations and things. It was something I became accustomed to. I knew what my consequences were if I were to follow this path and i was fully aware and I acknowledge it. I didn't go into it blindly thinking, "Oh, I will never have a baby from sex." I knew it could happen and I did what I could and I'm sorry that God has other plans for me.
"What do I know? I'm just an "adopted child" who's feelings shouldn't be taken into consideration. It's only the birthmother's emotional state that should be accounted for."
I know what I said was insensitive. I know that this whole process doesn't just effect the adoptive mom and the birth mom. It is always and was meant for the baby being involved. This is exactly what I didn't want. The baby to be thrown back and forth from family to family. But am I doing that now?
"When I was growing up (which is the same kind of thing your daughter will go through) my birthmother visited me every month and it was always awkward. How can she give me up "out of love, because she didn't have enough money to raise me and at the time it was the right thing to do" and then expect to be part of my life? Like it was her God-given right to just visit me when she pleased? You want to talk about kicks in the face? Every one of my birthmother's visits was like a kick in the face. Here was a woman who carried me for 9 months, who was in labor for 3 days giving birth to me and the next day, she's signing ME away- HER creation. So what if she didn't have enough money to raise me? Nothing is impossible when one is willing to make things work. I would've been content with bread and water, as long as I knew that she loved me enough never to give me up."
Oops. My bad. Let me just go back in time and fix this all up right? When you were talking about how you were so grateful for all these things about your birthparents placing your for adoption with this wonderful family. Where is all this gratefulness now? Now everything is our fault? Because we wanted what was best for you. Because we created you and broke our own heart to give you what you love most in your life? Your NEW family? That we can just be shoved under the rug because we lived our purpose in life we don't get anymore credibility than that? I'm sorry that you don't understand the love for a child and having to tear your own heart up and give up your own title as a mom to somebody else. That it didn't break us to our core and left us wounded, stranded, broken-hearted with the little bit of peace that we have left is that you're with a family that will take care of you. And that the other peace that we want is to know that it's been followed through and that you're the happiest that you could be. And we have to tell ourselves over and over again that it wasn't us that couldn't provide you that happiness- it had to be somebody else. Will you please tell me that wasn't enough? I think it takes a lot more love to break yourself then to keep yourself whole.
and think about it, your birthmom kept you alive. she couldve made the decision to have an abortion and we wouldnt be here having this conversation. clearly, she loved you enough to bring you into this world and give you this new life that you cherish.
"That wasn't the case though, so why would I want her to give me up, only to intrude in my new life? I already have a mother, I didn't need another one."
I'm sorry that you didn't want more people in your life to love you. Hello, double the presents at your birthday and christmas!
"You talk of education? Educate yourself with this: Your daughter is fine and is better off without you. :)"
My heart hurts too much to continue after that one and I can't continue typing looking at a blurred computer screen.
I'm confused.
I may or may not delete this.
I love you, Livia :)