Life, It Ain't Easy

I went to the mall tonight with Andee. It was really fun. :) We went to Papaya and I'm SO happy with my purchases. Dustinn and Val gave me a 30 dollar gift certificate. And then I got a 40 dollar gift certificate from my Aunt's and Uncle's. I was VERY excited and so happy that they were to one of my favorite stores. And it's a pretty cheap store and their clothes are awesome. I recommend.
The last time Andee and I hung out. I was pregnant. The night before I went into labor. SO WEIRD. And we hung out the night before Olivia's 3 week birthday... it's not really her birthday. Celebration? Baha.

This is what I purchased.I bought the jacket... not the model. :) ha.


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We went to JCW's after. We went there the last time we hung out too. Weird.

Let's see.

This is what's been going on in my life. So. I've definitely dealt with some tough things since Olivia was born. It's hard not to go back to what's comfortable to the friends you hung out with and things like that. I went over to a friend's house that not many very people would be happy with that I hung out. It was definitely a weird thing because I don't want to be apart of this friend's life but I was so used to being with this friend that it was hard not to go back to it. I didn't stay because I was thinking the whole time (this happened when Olivia was still in town it was the night of her two week celebration) even though Olivia has no idea what's going on and she's 2 weeks old and I probably wouldn't tell her when she was older. But who knows. What if she found out? I wouldn't want her to hate me for finding this out. I didn't do anything bad. But I was tempted to. I won't lie. I was with other people too. I wondered how they thought about me. They knew I placed for adoption I didn't want them to think I abandoned my baby to go back to my old lifestyle.
Olivia is a big motivation in my life. I want her to be proud of me and the person that I've become. She changed me. She makes me want to be a better person. I want to someday tell her I got married in the temple. I'm sealed to my husband like she's sealed to Dustinn and Val as a family. And that we're all sealed together to our families and that we're one big family. There is no way that I want to go back to the person I used to be. I wasn't happy. As much as I would like to think I was happy back then, I wasn't. I probably was in the moment but in the long run, it led me to unhappiness. Knowing that my daughter is going to be sealed to a family forever makes me happy and to know that I can have that happiness for myself, makes me even happier if I'm doing what's right. And she's my motivation to be that type of person. As much as I want to be an example to her, her life and what I've given her, is an example to me. And I couldn't be more blessed to be happy and to know that.
There are definitely times that I'm unhappy and wish she was apart of me and my life. But I knew that it wasn't supposed to be that way. I like to go through my dashboard of people who I'm following and read their blogs before I post anything. I went back through some of Dustinn and Val's blog and re-read the one when I first told them I chose them. It said it was posted 4 months ago. I'm thinking, "Really?! 4 months ago?" 4 months isn't a long time but it felt like that it was FOREVER since I told them that I chose them to be Olivia's parents. When I first found out I was going to place. It hurt. It was definitely a bittersweet moment. I knew that she was supposed to be with them. I was so close to God during this time it's like he gave me a glimpse through the veil that Dustinn and Val were her parents. I was just physically providing a body, and spiritually, she was for them. I feel like once there was an actual person in my arms it was hard to see to that, to feel that, and those bittersweet emotions came back. It hurt because I couldn't be her mom. But I knew this was what I was supposed to do.
I hate saying it was the "right thing" to do. I don't think there is a right or wrong in this situation. I think there is a good and better. But also, it's different for everyone.

When I went to the mall with Andee there was a girl that was pregnant who was ringing up our clothes and I asked her when she was due. She was due in December with a girl. I told her Congrats and that it was cool. I told her I had Olivia 3 weeks ago and that I placed for adoption. She was like, "Really?" I knew she wasn't that interested, it seemed that way to me. I kind of mentioned it to see if she would say that she was placing. But she didn't. So I asked her more questions. Because I loved when I was pregnant talking about my baby. Because she was mine for that time. So I asked her what she was naming her. She did ask me if the adoption was open and things like that. I definitely tried to put a positive attitude and I told her good luck with everything.

On the way back to my house, I talked to Andee and I hoped she didn't feel awkward that I talked to the girl about placing. Or if it was awkward to her. She said no. And what she said I didn't even realize. That girl might've never thought or considered adoption until I said it. Or maybe she did. Who knows.
We started talking about other things like how I wished that boys would just tell us if they didn't like us. I mean, Nic told me that we could "still be friends." When we broke up. Yeah, as if I didn't hear that before. I told her I wished that he could've just been like, "I don't have the same feelings for you as I did and I don't think we should date." It would've hurt to hear and I'd probably beat myself up and try to think of what I did to make him not have the same feelings for me anymore. And then I think I would've chosen adoption a lot sooner. But at the same time, I think everything was supposed to happen for a reason. Nic was supposed to tell me that. I was supposed to hope Nic and I were supposed to get back together the first 5 months of my pregnancy and hold on to that hope so I could find out that Dustinn and Val were planning on adopting. If I would've decided sooner on adoption, would I have found a different family before I found out that they were adopting? It all had to work out somehow. And I'm sure with other adoptive couples waiting for birth moms to choose them, it will all work out. It's in God's plan and in your plans.

I am employed again. Yipee! I'm just working at JCW's right now until I find another job and to have money in my pocket. I just made a resume and applied to 1-800-contacts. They're hiring for the month of November. Cross your fingers for me :) I'm hoping to be going to visit my sister Erika in Oregon the last week of October. That would be AMAZING. I haven't seen her or her family since March. We were both pregnant at the time. She had her little boy (I like to call him Optimus Prime) on August 12th. I think it'll be good for me too to be out there and spend time with them. It also might be good to hold a baby again :)
It's definitely a weird feeling now to know that Olivia isn't in Utah anymore and she's out in Virginia. It hasn't really hit me yet. Every now and then it does. This morning I woke up and looked at my bedside dresser and there was a picture of me holding Olivia for the first time after they cleaned her up. I broke down. I held my arms and pretended that she was there. I flashbacked to the moment I was in the hospital and holding her again. That's definitely the moment I'll treasure most. I was SO happy. Words can't even describe. I got out of that break down and remembered that there will be other times that I'll be able to hold her.

It's really hard to not call her my daughter right now. I don't know what to call her. I could say when people ask that she's my friend's baby. Because that's true. Andee and I went to the mall another time and we went to Build-A-Bear Workshop, she was trying to think of something to get for Avery, and we stopped there. One of the workers asked who it was for. Andee kind of looked at me and she's like, "I don't know how to say that." Andee just told her it was for the baby she placed a year ago. I told her I wouldn't know what to say either. She told me now it's just weird for her to say daughter because she doesn't feel like that anymore? I guess. And that saying it was for her baby she placed a year ago was a long thing to say. I was thinking, when you say your friend's baby, it might just be hard for me to say now because it's still so new to me, that I want the recognition too that she's my baby. She's mine and Val's. We're both her mom? I don't know if that's weird to Val for me to say that. That's just how I feel.

I was given this poem at the baby shower. That night from the baby shower I opened all the cards and notes I was given and I just cried. Because all the things that people wrote to me were SO sweet and I just wouldn't know what to say back. Maybe all I need right now is just words of comfort. I hope people aren't haters when I don't write back to things like that. I read them and I appreciate everything that anyone has ever said. Or reached out to me in some way either Facebook, E-mail, Text message, Card, Note, Letter, whatever it was. It meant that they took the time out of their day to tell me they were thinking about me. It's hard for me to come up with words or to express thanks. But I'm grateful for everyone who's been there to support me or to been there because those were the times I needed it most. Thank you.

So, this is the poem was given to me from someone in my family ward. I had never read it before but I broke down.

The Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption
By: Brenda Romanchik

Once there were two expectant mothers.
One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart
She became your Birthmother.
The other carried the hope of you within her.
She became your Mom.
As the days passed, and you grew bigger and stronger,
Your Birthmother knew that she could not give you all you needed after
your birth.
Meanwhile, your Mom was ready and waiting for you.

One day your Birthmom and your Mom found each other.

They looked into each other’s eyes and saw a friend.
Your Birthmom saw the life your Mom could give you.
Your Mom saw how much your Birthmom loved and cared for you.

They decided that what you needed was both kinds of love in your life.

So now you have two families,
One by birth, the other by adoption.

And you have a home where you can get:
your questions answered,
your boo boos bandaged,
your heartaches soothed,
And much needed hugs.

And a place where you can find:
answers to your questions,
your image in the mirror,
a part of yourself,
And much needed hugs.

Two different kinds of families
Two different kinds of love
Both a part of you.

As you all know, my FAVORITE show is Gossip Girl.

I wrote a blog post about this whole situation. You'd have to scroll down a lot to read it. It's sort of long. I can kind of sum it up for you but you won't really know what's going on.
Serena (is pretty much the main girl) and Dan (her on and off again boyfriend)- their parents (Serena's mom, Lily and Dan's dad, Rufus) had a fling like in high school or whatever.
Lily kept it a secret for 20 years that her and Rufus had a baby. She placed for adoption. They had a son. They went to look for him because Rufus found out and wanted to meet him. The adoptive couple told them that their son, Andrew, died from some freak accident. But later on it shows the couple saying they weren't going to tell Rufus and Lily that their son (Scott) was really alive and that it was another boy that they adopted that died. The Rosson's (the couple) didn't want to lose another one of their sons. Lily was rich and they thought that they could take Scott back somehow with all their money.
Scott uses Dan's best friend, Vanessa, and dates her to get closer to Lily and Rufus. He got a hold of his real birth certificate and tracked them down.
Well, one episode this season Scott almost tells them that he's their son. His A-mom comes and says to him that she supports him whatever he does but she's always been his mom and been there growing up with him. When he goes to talk to Rufus to tell him, he says, "I'm your son's brother." So he was telling them that he wasn't their son just brother's of Andrew. Making them still believe that Andrew was Rufus and Lily's son.
Scott goes back to Boston and dumps Vanessa. This girl Georgina, who likes to ruin peoples lives and blackmail them over hears about Scott. Dan starts dating this girl Olivia Kate (Ironic?). Olivia Kate is played by Hilary Duff. She's a movie star who wants to be an average college kid. Well, Georgina finds out and she tells Vanessa to tell Dan to dump Olivia or else she was going to tell everyone about Scott.
Vanessa tells Dan the truth so that way Georgina doesn't blackmail her. And Dan pretends to like Georgina but Georgina doesn't fall for it. She befriended Scott and brought him back to Manhattan. This last episode, Rufus and Lily are getting married. Scott shows up at the time that Rufus and Lily are fighting and Lily is saying stuff like, "I don't think I want to get married to you." Blah, blah, blah. Scott asks, "You're not getting married?" Lily says to him, "Who do you think you are? How dare you walk in on a private conversation at a private event?" Scott walks away upset and Lily asks Rufus if he knows him. Rufus starts to say, "Yeah, he's..." "Your love child," Georgina jumps in the conversation, "Yep. He's not dead." Dan confirms that Scott is their child. Lily and Rufus go out to look for him. They go to the bus station and Scott is about to get on the bus to Boston and Rufus runs after him. Scott says to him, "I wanted to look for my real parents (Totally wrong term in the adoption world, definitely birth parents) I wanted to see them get married and be happy. I wanted to think that they gave me up (placed) because they weren't ready. Not because they didn't love each other."
Lily says to him, "We do love each other. I'm just scared because Rufus is the only one that I've ever really loved the most (she had been married like 4 times). And all I've ever thought about for the past 20 years was holding our child." It was a tender moment. I cried through the whole thing.

I probably would marry this show. I love it. I'm in a committed relationship. I watch it faithfully every week.

Well, that's my life. Complicated but trying to be motivated.
Tomorrow I meet with my doula for our last visit it's a post partum visit. Just to make sure I feel I'm recovering from everything okay. And what not.
I think I'm going to the birth parent group. I haven't been wanting to go to that one much. It's hard for me to see the other girls who are pregnant and are saying they're going to place. Because I know how much it's going to hurt for them. I don't know. It's weird.
Then I'm going to Castle of Chaos with one of my friends. I haven't been to a haunted house thing in FOREVER. Maybe since I was like 15.


This reminds me. I saw a REALLY scary movie the other night. It was called Paranormal Activity. It has been the only scary movie that has freaked me out EVER. It freaked me out SO much that I slept with the light on. Yeah. It's about ghosts and what not. Well, just one, and it's not really a ghost. It's a demon. FREAKY. All this crazy stuff happens. I can't even talk about it. It's freaking me out right now. You can watch the trailor on Youtube.
Most of you probably won't see it because it's R. I know. I'm a bad person. That's probably the last time I'll EVER do something like that. haha. I learned my lesson.

I'll end on a happy note. :) This picture was taken Thursday night. I was watching her that night and we watched The Office together. Jim and Pam's wedding. We attended. I found out later that night that the ICPC approval came through and could take Olivia out of Utah and back to Virginia. I got to watch her all day Friday from 7 AM until 7 PM. Nic came over for like an hour. Bleh. He had to leave to find an apartment and a car by the end of the week (he had the whole week yet this was the only day his daugher was going to be in town until Christmas. Go figure.). But it was really fun being with her. I have videos and stuff and we gave her a bath. :) So much fun. I'll have to post those pictures soon. Love you all :)
P.S. I think I kind of look like a hunchback in that photo. That's how I get the fellas.

Baby Shower

So, I decided to do a baby shower for Olivia after she was born. I knew there were some friends/family that would want to meet her if they didn't have the chance to meet her at the hospital. I know some people in my family ward were interested in meeting D and V. I think it turned out really well. :)
I'd like to thank everyone that showed up. I've been pretty busy.... lazy most likely to make thank you cards. There will be some sent out soon and what not.
I'm going to be doing a new post later tonight of what's going on in my life now. I'm sure you're all so excited! It's not that exciting. I thought it would be post pregnancy. But guess what? It's not. Ha. I had A LOT of drama during my pregnancy. Not so much anymore. I'm totally okay with that. I'm a hater of the drama. I like to stay out of that. You guys probably don't believe me when I probably caused most of the drama with N. I did what I can not to be in it.

Enjoy.
People are going to be haters when they see the pictures. Because there are some not good ones of some people. But whatever. I had just barely had a baby like a week ago in those pictures. My face got FAT. I don't know why. But it's skinny now. I'm okay with having a skinny face. So, judge my fat face.
I was reading through some of my old posts of the last few weeks of my pregnancy and my pregnancy pictures. I look down at my belly now and I'm like daaaaaang. I was really that big?!? And there was a baby in there!?? It's almost unreal to me.

I'm done.
I'm going to go hang out with Andee at the mall. Heyyyyy.

2 weeks old

These pictures taken above were taken by Rachel. Those are some from the photo shoot on Wednesday. I can't wait to see the rest of them. Olivia was fabulous and I'm pretty much in love with these pictures. Thank you SO much, Rachel!

These ones below are taken by V. They're the annual weekly pictures next to her teddy bear that me, Olivia, and N have. V had the idea to take pictures next to the bear so we can guess how big Olivia is compared to the bear. :)

Olivia is too darn cute :)

She's leaving early Saturday morning. :(
I get to spend most of the day with her tomorrow.

The next time I see her will be around Christmas.

I knew they'd have to leave eventually.
But so soon? :(

Me and N

I forgot to mention the next day after placement. I asked N how he was doing. He didn't text me back and I got nervous and I texted him a few hours later and asked if I should be worried. He said no and that he was sleeping. I told him that my mom wouldn't judge me if I walked around the house carrying around a hospital blanket. He said that he had her hospital blanket with him all day.

Well, the next day, September 27, I got to see Olivia.
N invited D and V and my family over to his house for dinner so his family could meet Olivia for the first time. Dinner wasn't until 5, I asked D and V if they could come over earlier so I could just see her before N's family did. I didn't know how I was going to react when I saw her again. Plus, I wanted N's family to have the opportunity to be with her, I don't know the next time they'll see her again.
N came over as well. Before he came over we did a video chat on Skype with my sister Erika. Erika's husband has been friends with D since they were about 8 years old. That's how I knew D and V because they would come over to our house and play games when Erika and her husband were living with us. I've known them since I was 14 or 15. I got to see Erika's baby that she had about a month ago. I like to call him Optimus Prime. :) Erika got to see Olivia via the webcam. That was fun.
When N got there he gave Olivia a little stuffed animal monkey that he's had since he was little. It was really nice of him to do that. A funny moment that we had together was when he was giving Olivia some sort of comb over. I would smooth back to normal. He said to me, "Hey. I'm styling her hair!" I looked at him and then I looked at Olivia and whispered loud enough for him to hear, "Daddy doesn't know style."
I did get a little bit frustrated though during the day. I guess I was still being a protective mom. Weird. I know. Just so everyone knows, that even though I have signed away my rights as a mother, doesn't mean that I don't feel like her mother. Those feelings of being her mom might not go away for a while. And it'll take time for me to get used to not calling myself her mom, just because I did a few signatures, doesn't mean that I didn't give birth to her anymore. I'm a BIRTH mom. Hence. I gave birth to her. Kthanks.
Anyway, my protective side of things. A sibling of mine was holding Olivia. Olivia started spitting up and she kind of held her back. And I yelled at her, "Helloooooooooo. Hold her up or else she'll choke on it." Then when she tried holding her up she didn't really have good support on her neck. I was freaking out. I also have two animals at home. A dog, Angel, and a cat, Jasper. Olivia needed a diaper change and so we had to lay her on the ground and my animals were in the room and I asked nicely, "Will someone please get the animals out?" Everyone just stood there. Sweet. I asked again and my mom got Angel out but no one grabbed Jasper. Jasper looked like he was ready to pounce. I FREAKED. Listen, I had a baby 4 days ago. I was sore and in a little bit of pain. I refuse to take medicine and try to get better on my own. I shot up off the couch and grabbed Jasper. I had an adrenaline rush because he was going to attack Olivia. I was angry though, I'm in my fragile state, peeps. ;) Be nice to me.
Then another sibling was late for dinner and she didn't know that we were having dinner at N's. So while everyone left, I had to stay at home and wait for my sister since she didn't know how to get to N's. But it gave me time to cool down and take some pain meds because that trip off the couch wasn't pleasant.

My sister and I got there. I felt a little bit awkward. The last time I'd seen a lot of N's family is when we were dating. It was interesting. I am weird and definitely thought that is what it would be like if we were married and had Olivia and had a little family get together with our families together. A VERY weird thought for me. I didn't want to think that way at all. It made me sad to know that we weren't together and I wanted to be happy. I didn't really know what to say to everyone.

When I walked in, N's mom was holding Olivia and she asked me if I wanted to hold her. I told her it was okay and she could hold her. I kind of just listened to people's conversations. I didn't have much to say and I don't like to talk unless I have something to say or I sound like an idiot.
I also felt like during my pregnancy that they didn't like me very much. I confronted N's parents when I was 3 months pregnant. I went over after my first doctors appointment and talked to them. They were telling me that they thought adoption was best for Olivia. I was frustrated because I felt like I wasn't good enough for their son. Because they didn't even talk about marriage and wanted to know how I felt about N and I'm like, great. I guess I got all the interview questions wrong since they don't want us to get married. My mom told me that she talked to N's mom about it and his mom said that she felt bad and she didn't know what to tell me when I came to them. She didn't really know me, so she couldn't assume that she didn't like me. She wanted to tell me to marry their son but she couldn't because she didn't want me to be "stuck" with him. She knows her son better than I do. She said she's a good guy and good with kids. He just isn't responsible or consistent enough to handle the responsibilities. She also didn't want me to end up unhappy.
That's a lot better than thinking you weren't good enough.

I went over and stood next to my mom while she was taking to N's mom and she asked me about my future plans. I told her about finishing dental assisting school and going to work for an orthodontist. Then possibly going back to school and going into social work and work with other birth moms. I talked about doing photography on the side and maybe do photography for birth moms because I want more than anything to have good pictures of me and Olivia to frame and stuff. And to have pictures of Olivia while she's still a baby. I won't have that time with her again for a while. The next time I see her she'll be 3 months old. Then after that 6 months old. Then I'll see her again for her 1st birthday.

Then I sat on the couch and was holding Olivia and stuff. I hope people didn't feel intimidated. I was okay if they held her if they asked me but no one asked. I kind of just offered. One of N's siblings held her, I think before I got there since I was late. And she was kind of having a hard time dealing with it because she loves her nieces and nephews as well. I felt really bad. N was telling me that she knew but it wasn't really real to her until she saw pictures of her.
Yep and while sitting on the couch, Olivia projectiled her spit up on me. Oh the wonderful life of babies. :)

Right before we left N gave her a hat that was given to him from some guy in his ward and he's been using it while he's been helping build his parents cabin. And he also gave her a sweatshirt of his that I actually wore practically the whole time we were dating. I said that I was jealous of Olivia that she got to have his hoodie because it was my favorite.

Our situation right now, is just friends. My friend asked him if we were ever going to get back together. She decided to tell me this conversation. Haha. He said, No. (I figure he would say that.) And that he didn't feel that way for me. She said to him it didn't seem like that in the hospital. He said to her that he cared about me but he doesn't love me romantically. Even though I knew that was going to be the answer. It still hurt. Because there was a point in time that we did love each other romantically. We did this incredible thing together, we made a baby, and loved her enough to place her. He couldn't see that? I mean, I look at our experience and think, I'm never going to connect this close to someone again until I get married. And what if that freaks out future potential soulmates of mine? They're like, "Sweet. You had a baby with someone and it wasn't me. I can't be with you because of that." Are guys going to look at me and think of me as some sort of skank and can't get past the fact that I made mistakes in my life? That I had sex before marriage? Or can they look at me as the girl that has learned from her mistakes? And used the atonement in her life to make herself a better person?
I guess the guys I don't date, if they don't get it then they're not worth it.
Olivia will be a big part of my life and I'm not going to hide it from the guys I date. If they don't like me because of it then they missed out on a really great girl ;)

The way I'm feeling towards N right now. I have my closure with him. I don't need to be dating him or have him in my life to be happy. I wanted throughout my pregnancy and when Olivia was born for him to be there for her. And he was. Well, when she was born and the last week of my pregnancy.
Right now, I am sort of bugged because he told me it wouldn't be like how it was while I was pregnant. But it's kind of going back to that. I've texted him and he hasn't replied to my texts. Or I let him know when I'm going to see D and V or when they come over and he doesn't come over. I babysat Olivia on Thursday. I asked him if he was working and he said yes. That was the first time I had heard from him in days. Pretty sure he hated me. I went and surprised him at work. He seemed pretty happy to see her and wanted to show her off. I'll let you know about some awkward situations though.

On Wednesday(the day before I babysat Olivia), I went to Wal*Mart to pick up prints of Olivia and the lady who developed them said to me, "I know the guy who works in the electronics." I was kind of caught off guard. I didn't know that she had looked at the pictures but it would make sense since she develops them. I said, "Oh. Did he tell you he was having a baby?" And she said, "He mentioned to me that she was due soon... What'd you name her?" I said, "Olivia." And she asked me about how she slept at night. And I just kind of told her about at the hospital that she was really good and that she never cries and we have to wake her up to feed her. And she was like, "That's awesome. My kids would keep me up all night." I didn't want to, right then, give her my whole life and personal story of adoption.

N seemed pretty happy that we brought her and such on Thursday. And he told me he could basically clock out whenever because it was his day off. But he had told me Wednesday was his day off and he said he thought it was but he missed work. He told me the lady in pictures thought I was mad or hated her or something. I told him that I wasn't mad. And I guess the lady had used the pictures that I printed and made extras for him, she edited them and stuff. And she put them up for display by the picture place. I didn't mind but at the same time I was kind of like, well, thanks for asking for my permission to make copies of my prints and put them on display. I wouldn't have cared if she asked me. But whatevs.
N wanted to show this girl in jewelry, Olivia. I didn't really care ya know? I had nothing else to do at Wal*Mart. But she was on break. She came back and saw her. She was saying she was cute and stuff and N walked away. She kind of just stood there and I mentioned whenever I see couples holding hands and kissing I just want to tell them to buy condoms because they don't want a baby right now. I love Olivia to death but it's still hard. Haha. And the girl was saying she told her boyfriend that she wanted kids and he told her to not talk about it. My friend Lauren said, "I don't want kids." And I just said, "Well, I do have a kid." haha. N came back and the girl had to go back to work.
N then told me that his brother had set him up on a date last night. I was kind of like, Uhhhhhh why are you even telling me this? To make me feel like a total loser and not over you? Right on. I asked him, "Oh. How was it?" And he said it was alright that they were supposed to hang out for 4 hours but he was ready to leave after the first hour. And I asked, "Well, was she cute?" And he said, "She was alright. She was in high school." I'm like, "I'd expect that from your brother."

N clocked out and wanted to show off Olivia to more people. I don't mind it when people who know that we've placed or had a baby. I'm totally cool with talking about adoption. It's the people that didn't even have a clue that I feel awkward around. N showed these two ladies Olivia and they're like oohing and awing over her and how cute she was and congratulating us. And that they had no idea. We were about to walk away and the lady was like, "Before you go, introduce us to your wife." And N said, "Well, we're not married." She then says, "Okay. Your significant other."
At this point, I didn't care and would've just wish he had just introduced me and got it over with. But it gets worse.
He says, "This is why I didn't tell anyone. We're not dating."
I probably turned bright red. It was so embarrassing. I'm like, please N. Tell our whole life story to two ladies you work with. Continue.
She then says, "Okay, introduce us to the mother of your child." Yeah, sounds kind of whoreish. I know. I'm not very fond of that title.
So he said, "This is Stefanie." And they're like, "Well, be a good dad. Not a dead beat." And he says, "Well, technically, I'm not her dad anymore." And the lady says, "WHAT?!" And N said, "We placed her for adoption. We're just babysitting." And the lady says, "I'm really confused and I'm walking away right now." And she honestly walked away. The most AWKWARD conversation I had with anyone in my life.
I felt like I did the walk of shame. haha. I covered my face with my hand and shook my head. And Nic asked me if I was alright. I said, "Um, that was REALLY awkward." And he said, "It doesn't bother me. I don't care who knows." I said, "It doesn't bother me. I just think it could've been approached differently."
Somehow he just makes situations more awkward than they need to be, whether he does it on purpose, or does it unintentionally. I don't know.
Right before we were about to leave the lady who was the greeter at the door asks, "Who's baby is that?" N said, "Mine." And she says to him, "No it's not."
I kind of looked at her like, Who does this woman think she is?!
She came over and asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" I said to her, "Girl. Hence the pink flower blanket." She said, "Well, I didn't know I thought it might've been someone else's."
Yeah, I let my boys have used pink flower blankets. Awesome.
She kept saying that it wasn't N's baby and stuff. And she asked who the mom was. And I said it was me. And she asked, "Is it his?" And I said, "Well, yeah. Pretty sure he was there the night we had sex and conceived her." She said, "I don't believe you. I bet it's one of your nephews."
I honestly wanted to punch this woman in the FACE.
N said, "Just saying, she wouldn't be our nephew. She'd be our niece but she's not, she's our daughter." The lady kind of just shrugged her shoulders.

Well, what made me mad is that N got off work obviously to be with Olivia. And so when me and my friend Lauren left, I told him to let me know if he was planning on coming over. And he said Okay. And I got nothing back. He never came over to see her. I'm glad he had the fun of showing off his baby. I have NO idea what to do with him. I've sent him a few texts since then and he hasn't replied. I mean, he's never been really good at communicating but he should atleast be doing SOMETHING or answering questions that need to be ANSWERED.
Then, I felt weird when he was telling me about him dating. I'm thinking, hello! We just had a loss... pretty much. How can you even think about dating right now? I mean, I don't feel comfortable I'm still grieving and adding in the extra stress of dating someone would freak me out because what if I lose them? Or they're not the right guy for me and I keep finding the wrong ones? Does he think I still want to get back together with him? I feel closure with him because all I wanted was for him to be there for his daughter. And he was. I should be happy right? Does he tell me he's dating so that way I know he's moved on?
Maybe he just needs me to be completely blunt with him. Like, I know we aren't ever going to get back together, but for Olivia's sake I'd like to at least communicate with you. or come right out and tell him that I plan on dating other people when the time is right for me. Get it through to him somehow that I AM going to move on. Or he is just simply trying to distract himself from what is REALLY going on in his life.
I was talking to my friend Lauren about it afterwards and she was saying that it annoyed her too that he said something about dating. But she thinks that might be the way he's grieving because he just wants to get himself away from it all. She said, "People are stupid in awkward situations... sometimes they just don't think especially when they're hurting... remember how we were talking about it being surreal? Imagine how it must be for him... You've had this reality shoved in your face everyday when you woke up for 9 months... and it just slammed into his a few days ago. He's been trying so hard to ignore it and pretend it's not there for so long and now he can't anymore... so he does stupid things to lash out in ways he hope will make him feel better... with very little thought process behind it. He definitely showed that today with the ladies also... He wanted people to know the truth but told the truth in the worst way possible because it's still such a surreal and different situation for him right now."
She also thinks maybe he's trying really hard to be friends so it's one of the first things that came to his mind that he would tell a friend or it was awkward and his mouth worked faster than his brain. I'm thinking though, if he wants to be my friend, why can't he just talk to me or text me back? I texted him and told him if I bothered him at all to let me know. He hasn't said anything yet. But I did also tell him the night of placement that he's the closest thing I have to Olivia right now so talking to him makes me feel better and he told me he understood. I don't know if him seeing Olivia is really hard on him and me having to remind him of her just freaks him out? Maybe he sees it as, well, I already signed away my rights. I don't need to do anything else, D and V are her parents. Or he's okay with not seeing her because he doesn't need it to have closure or it is hard to see her. I don't really know.
I'm trying really hard not to be upset over this. I guess I just am because Olivia is only going to be here for another week before she goes back out to Virginia and then they come back for Christmas. I'm also trying not to be so involved in his life either because he'll see her when he wants to but I just am feeling like, "Why wouldn't you want to see her? She's still your daughter." I do feel like he has commitment issues. It kind of shined through our relationship since that didn't last. When I came to him about the pregnancy he thought about getting married to me but then went in a totally different direction. Now, he's not talking to me anymore? It's as if he wants the love or the feeling of being love that a committed relationship has, but he can't handle making such a final choice.
If he ever reads these, I hope he doesn't get mad because that's just am how I'm feeling through all of this. I'm not saying this is how he's feeling because I don't know that unless he talks to me about it.
I guess what I really need to do is let go and let him come to me if he needs someone to talk to. He obviously didn't need me for the 9 months I was pregnant with his daughter. He doesn't need me now. I'm grateful he was there for me AND for Olivia. I saw hope that maybe he was going to be able to open up and be more communicable with me. But obviously that hope has kind of dimmed out for me. I should've expected it since he did this to me while I was pregnant. I just need to be able to prepare myself now that he's not going to be in the picture anymore, at least with me. I just hope someday he'll understand what he's doing and he'll be there for his daughter like he wanted to be.



In the slide show are pictures from N's house and then days after placement. So there are pictures of Olivia in N's sweatshirt and hat and with the monkey. I went out to their cabin on Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night, my sister Katrina and I went out to dinner at Pirate Island in Orem. Their pizza was surprisingly good, that night, I went on Saturday with my other sister RuthAnn and it was greasy. :(
I think on Monday I told V that I hoped she didn't think I was using them to see Olivia because I wanted to see them too. I also told her that it felt sort of weird because I was Olivia's mom giving birth to her but I didn't feel like her mom because I wasn't going to be the one who parents her or she calls mom. And V said to me, "But you are her mom." Monday and Tuesday we played Kingsburg. When I went out with my sister we went to JCW's for dessert and I grabbed my check. It was good to see people I used to work with, I showed them pictures of Olivia on my camera and one of the guys I work with, "Your baby is cute... too bad you have to give it up." I was bitter that he said that like I didn't have a choice? And I didn't give her up. I placed her. But all I said to him was, "I already did." And walked away. What's with boys and not being able to pick up on social ques? I don't think that's anything you should say to anyone not even a week after placing.
On Wednesday, we were supposed to do a photo shoot with a photographer but D and V got snowed in at their cabin (yeah, snow.) They were afraid to drive through it with Olivia in their car. I totally understood. They took some pictures of her, which I have already posted below. And she was a week old then. Which didn't even seem real to me that I had a baby a week ago, then. I had mixed emotions. I was sad that I couldn't see her or them and celebrate her being a week old. Then I was frustrated that N wasn't answering my calls or texts. I wanted to try to go out to the cabin (if we could get through the snow) but I didn't want to drive alone because of the snow. Haha.
I went to group that night and it was about finances. I missed most of it trying to get the pictures developed so I could show girls at group.
I had a meeting with Loni the next day. I was pretty emotional then. I kind of just told her how I felt. I told her about the situation with N and how I was feeling about it. (This was before the whole Walmart incident and when he just wasn't talking to me)
I told her that it was difficult for me right now because I didn't know where I stood. I've been given the title as a mother because I gave birth to her. But at the same time, I won't be parenting her so it doesn't make me a mother. I guess some people think it's weird that I call her my daughter because I placed? What do I call her? What do I call myself? I felt out of place in the world.
I also told her about how I was feeling about my second thoughts at the hospital because I was scared that I wasn't supposed to feel that way. Since I felt so good about it during my pregnancy and then right before placement, I just had my feelings as a mother to take care of my child, but I was too afraid to express it because I knew that was what I wasn't supposed to do. Loni told me it was normal to feel that way about everything. She then asked me if I was prepared for placement. I told her that I wasn't prepared for the hurt. I don't think anyone ever could prepare for that. I told her though that I felt prepared that I knew why I was placing her. If I didn't know then I probably would've just said to myself, "I could do it." And done it. But that's almost the easy way out of not placing. What I did was harder than being able to keep her. And if I did keep her. It would've been hard to not feel guilty of denying her a home with TWO parents and being able to be sealed and be a family.
That's just how I've felt and have been feeling.

My milk started to come in on Tuesday. It didn't hurt until that night. And I wanted to CRY and DIE at the same time. I was about ready to grab a butcher knife and cut my breasts off. Ha. To me, it hurt more than giving birth and recovering after birth. And trust me, I have a pretty good pain tolerance.

We had a post placement group that day. It was my first time going since I didn't place until the Friday before. I like it a lot better than the birth parent group on Wednesday because in the Thursday group, it was with girls who had gone through the same thing I've been through. The Wednesday one is more for the girls who kind of don't know what they're doing, if they haven't chosen a plan, or they know what they're doing. It just kind of helps everybody out. But I feel as if the Wednesday group sugarcoats things so it doesn't scare the girls out of adoption? I wish it would be more real about how much it was going to hurt and sometimes you do feel unsure about your decision and that's okay. I wish someone would've told me that it was going to be okay to feel that way.
The Thursday group we talked about openness of adoption and how we need to be able to be open and communicate. The beginning of the group was that they brought in a cake for us and they cut it up all nice and then one of the caseworkers asked a girl if she wanted a piece and she said sure. The caseworker dug her hands into the cake and got the piece out and tried to shove it in her face. It was a visual lesson about presentation and how we can't always just shove things in peoples face and that we need to do it respectfully. We also need to understand the other side of the situation. Some girls were saying that they didn't understand when their couple say they're having a hard time. Because the girls feel like they shouldn't be having a hard time because they gave them a baby. But the couple are still upset that they can't have their own children. Totally understandable.

I feel weird when people tell me that I'm strong, brave, and courageous. I'll straight up tell you now. I'm scared s***less, to be quite frank. Even though I know adoption was the best choice for her. I can't look into the future now and see how her life is going to be. I'm scared that what if she comes back to me and says I didn't make the right choice. I know that wouldn't happen but it scares me to DEATH. Meh. I don't feel strong, on the outside I may look like I'm doing good or okay but on the inside I'm falling apart. I'm a wreck inside. I'm afraid to admit those kinds of things because I don't want it to seem like I regret it. Because I don't. I know what I did was best for her and I'm willing to give up my happiness for my baby so she can be happy.
That's just how I feel.

My next post will be about the baby shower we had for Olivia on Friday. :) Plus, I need to get those pictures from V.

Placement and Post Placement

I totally forgot in the last post when N and I were talking and he stayed the night. Before we stopped talking I said to him, "I just don't want it to be like how it was before." And he said, "I know." I'm thinking, You don't know. Haha. So I said, "When I was pregnant." He said, "I know what you mean."

My parents gave me and N time alone before we had to sign papers. We were sitting on the hospital bed and just looking at her and telling her how much we loved her and that's why we were doing it for her. And all the reasons why we loved her and the reasons why we were doing adoption. N and I were just bawling on the hospital bed and I asked him if he wanted pictures of being her daddy one last time, and he said yes. So we took one of him looking at her then kissing her forehead. And then he took one the same ones of me like that with her. N pulled me up off the hospital bed and we sort of did a hug with Olivia in the middle facing us. And he said to me, "This is the last time we're going to be a family." I asked him if he wanted pictures of us being a family and he said yes. So I grabbed my mom and we took pictures together of us like that. As a family.
Well, after my parents came back in the room it was basically time to sign papers. My caseworker (Loni), a judge/notary, and a girl interning at LDSFS. We all sat down and we had to sign in this book our name and our personal information. I don't really remember what it was for. N and I had to sign the exact same papers. I went over what some of what the papers said in a previous post. This one that we had to sign is a birth parent statement of understanding.

I'll just list a few on here:

1. I have the right to parent my child if I choose, even if I am a minor.
2. There may be services and sources of financial assistance in the community which could be made available to me should I choose to parent my child.
3. I have the right to consult with others, such as parents, an attorney, a physician or a religious leader of my choice, and I understand that their opinion is not binding on me.
4. When I relinquish my child to LDSFS, she will be placed with adoptive parents who are members in good standing of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
5. When I relinquish my rights to my child, I will have no legal claim to my child.
6. Future legislation may make it possible for children relinquished for adoption to obtain knowledge regarding their birth parents.

I was holding Olivia the whole time signing these papers. And I just would look down at her and cry. Because it's hard to hear those things like you have the right to parent your child. Services and sources may be there to assist you financially. My caseworker had to read the papers outloud to us and it's like those words go through your head. And basically take a knife to your heart almost. At the same time, through all the heartache, I could still feel peace and the strength to sign them. I could feel the love that I have for her and knowing that I love her was enough. And I could feel the love that my parents had for me while they were sitting across the room, crying with me. Knowing that how difficult it was for me, they also knew that it was the right decision. I have never felt so close to the Lord in the last year. I never felt His love so much. Even though, I could be so angry thinking that He made me choose this decision, that He made me go through all the heartache. I'm not bitter at all. I could not be bitter about giving my daughter the best life possible.
The Lord and I made this decision together. I know this or else I wouldn't have gone through with it.

Then N had to sign his relinquishment papers, I passed Olivia over to N. And he held her the whole time he signed.

His was practically the same but he had to choose 4 options.
I don't remember them all. He chose option 1.

1. I am the biological father of this child.
2. I do not agree nor disagree that I am the biological father of this child but I give my consent towards the adoption.

Yeah, I don't remember anything else.

After his papers were done, he passed Olivia over to me.

"I, Stefanie G (birth mother) being first duly sworn on oath, depose, and say:

1. I am the mother of a female child who was born at 9:36 PM on the 23 day of September, 2009, at American Fork city, Utah county, state of Utah.
2. This child was not conceived within a marriage.
...

4. I have carefully considered alternative plans for this child's future and have obtained the advice of family members, friends, professionals, or others I felt were necessary to help me make an adoption decision. I have decided to place this child for adoption because I believe that adoption is in this child's best interest.
5. I hereby irrevocably release and relinquish this child to the care, custody and control of LDSFS, for the purpose of adoption, and I consent all of my parental rights to this child.
6. I understand that by signing this Relinquishment of Parental Rights, Consent to Adoption and Consent to Termination of Parental Rights, I am giving up all of my parental rights to this child.
7. I understand by signing this, I am giving up all my parental rights to this child.
8. I consent to the absolute and final termination of my parental rights.
....
11. My decision to relinquish this child to LDSFS, to consent to the adoption of this child and to consent to the termination of my parental rights has been made freely and voluntarily, without any coercion, force or duress. I am signing this document of my own free will and choice. I have been told and I understand that I can have more time to think about this decision if I need it. I do not need any more time to make a decision."

I was emotionally drained all day. I didn't think I could produce any more tears up to that point. It almost hurt to look at her because I loved her so much and I wanted to be her parent. My tears were at the point where it was just warm streams coming down my cheeks. Those were the worst signatures I've ever done in my life.
I was definitely hurting, I just signed away the most important thing to me like she was nothing. Just a few signatures and she wasn't mine anymore? I almost felt like I had abandoned her. And I felt awful. It was the most awful feeling. Even though I had just done the best thing for her, I know that Satan was trying to take advantage of me in my weak state of mind. I didn't feel bad about the adoption. I felt bad about myself, more than anything.

Loni told me and N and my parents. N's parents weren't there for placement. That they were going to step outside and give us sometime. My parents were then going to leave and then it'd be me and N. Then to text Loni and tell them when we were ready.
Loni and the two ladies walked out of the room. My mom took pictures of me and N with Olivia. And then my dad wanted some pictures with her because he wasn't sure if he got some. After they took pictures. My mom went over and hugged him and broke out into huge sobs.
N and I couldn't control ourselves and cried. I was still feeling awful. At that moment, I felt like I disappointed my parents because me and N weren't together. We weren't a family. And my parents couldn't be her grandparents anymore. My mom brought her back over to us and she said, "I want you to know. I'm proud of the both of you."

My parents walked out and it was just us with her again. I don't want to say we said our goodbyes to her. Because it wasn't really a goodbye. N said to her to be a good girl for D and V. And to know what's right from wrong.
He and I both hoped that she wouldn't have to go through anything like this because it was so hard. We didn't want her to deal with this much hurt in her life, ever.
He told her not to forget us.
And I told her, that I hoped one day that she would be proud of me. And that I'll always be proud of her, no matter what choices she'll make and loved her with everything I had.

After that, I texted Loni and told them we were ready for them all to come back in. At this time, it's more symbolic of placing Olivia into the arms of D and V to join their family.
First, D and V gave N and I gifts. He and I both got a photo album and a teddy bear. V was explaining to us that while I was pregnant, every week I took a picture of my belly. And the teddy bear, what they were going to do is take pictures next to Olivia so we can measure with the bear how much she has grown.
Next, V gave me a gift that her dad made. I totally might be butchering this part but V's dad makes a music box for the girls in their family when they reach a certain age. He made the box and burned the design and added in the music and on the inside of the box, it has Olivia's name. And it also had some pictures from the day she was born and notes from D and V's family. I definitely had tears flowing. It was the most thoughtful gift I have ever recieved from anyone. I could not stop crying. I knew at that moment that D and V and their family were always going to be a part of my life.
After that, my mom gave me, V, and Olivia a gift. It was my sister Erika's idea and my Aunt Taunya made bracelets for us. It had a little heart charm and blue little stone, representing Olivia's birthstone, a sapphire. Which is by the way, my favorite stone. And on my bracelet it has a circle charm and stamped in it is Olivia's name. And Olivia's has a circle charm too with the initials OKJ (Olivia Kate J) on it.
Let's just say I cried the whole time. I'm not even exaggerating. It was definitely an emotional time for me.

From the agency, they made a blanket for me and Olivia. It's the same one and it's all flowery and stuff.
I gave D and V a card. I know. I'm weird. Ha. I don't really remember what it says on it but it says basically on the inside, no matter who she grows up to be. You'll remember the first time you held her in your arms and dreamed that she was yours.
So at that point, I put Olivia in V's arms. It was definitely a bittersweet moment.
But at the time, I just knew I loved her and I loved D and V. I loved knowing that they were the perfect family for her. Even though, I wouldn't be her parent. I could still be apart of her life.

N and I had to tell them kind of like how she was at night and what she likes and things. Olivia has been such a good baby. She hardly ever cries. She's very content with everything. It was the last time I was going to be telling them what she likes and how she's doing or what she's done. Everything after that, they were going to tell me what she likes, how she's doing or what she's done.
We were saying our goodbyes.
Right before I walked out of the room, I looked at Olivia, then back at them and said, "Take good care of her. And tell her we love her every night." And they said they would. I knew they would. But I just had to say it to have a peace of mind to know that we still loved her and want what's best for her.

I was then being discharged from the hospital. I knew N was going to be going home alone. I told him he could stay at my house in a guest bedroom because I couldn't imagine being alone and he said he was fine. I was pretty calm while being discharged. And then when we got in the elevator. I started crying again.
I just imagine being able to be the one who puts her in her car seat, and in the back of my car, and take her home with me. I imagine going home and sleeping next to her, and waking up to her little sighs. When we got outside N asked me what was wrong. I showed him my empty arms and said, "I want to take her home."
He said, "It's too late for that now."

We hugged and went our separate ways. When I got in the car. I cried so hard. I hold back most of my cries unless I don't really care or I'm super emotional. But right then, I couldn't hold it in. My mom got in the car and put her arms around me and cried with me. I told her on the way home that the hardest thing right now is looking down and not seeing her there, in my arms.
Man, and on the way home we almost got in a car accident. Right on. Ha. The guy swerved into our lane and almost hit my side. How great, to go back to the hospital after all of that.
Right before I got home, I stopped crying, I just said, "I feel really at peace right now."

We got home, and I got all the stuff out from the hospital and just looked at it. I would look at every little thing and it would remind me of her and I would just burst into tears.
I went to bed probably around 11 that night. I was very tired and I wasn't able to take any pain medicine, 4 hours before I was to sign the papers just so I couldn't go back and say I was under the influence of drugs or substances which would've impaired my ability to make the decision. When I was discharged they gave me two pain pills, at the time I was only taking 1, but I was in a lot of pain. So I was very sleepy.
Before I went to bed,
Around 10:30 I texted N and I told him, "Promise." I said, "I'll be thinking and praying for you." He said, "You too."
My friend Jess also texted me and asked me how I was. All I could say was, "Heartbroken."
I would try to fall asleep and I think I'd be half way asleep and I think I would hear her cry and I'd get right up. And that would make me cry to know she wasn't there.
It freaked me out and I texted N and I told him about it.
He said, "I know what you mean. I can't keep my eyes open, but I'm afraid to close them."
I said, "Me too :(" And I told him about the ride home with my mom.
He said, "Yeah."
I told him, "I have the bear that D and V gave me and wrapped it up in one of Olivia's hospital blankets. It freaks me out a little because sometimes I do think it's her."

I ended up crying myself holding that bear close to me like it was her. And I woke up in the morning, crying again because she wasn't there.
I let D and V have the whole next day with her to get to know her and bond with her. They emailed me and N the night that they took her home to the cabin. They were trying to send us picture messages on their phones but they couldn't get any service.
I wrote them an e-mail asking how she was that night. And they told me she was perfect. Which I wasn't surprised. She's perfect in every way.

My sister Katrina came down after she got off work and spent the whole day with me just talking about the hospital and talking about placement. We looked at pictures and posted them on Facebook.
I had a pretty good day. I mean, I thought about her the whole time. But I didn't cry until later that night. I was really starting to miss her.
Katrina, my little sister K, and I went to the movies and saw Surrogates.
I got home and I just wanted to hold her and be with her. I ended up writing like 3 e-mails to D and V and one of them just said, "Tell Olivia that I think about her. All the time." I wanted more than anything to spend one more night next to me. I wanted to just look at her and give her a million kisses and hold her close and tell her I love her. I knew I was going to see her the next day. But it felt like years from then. It definitely got a lot easier when I finally did see her. Which I'll talk about next time :)

2 Days At Hospital Slideshow

2 Days At The Hospital

I forgot one more thing about Labor and Delivery. Sorry. :P
My little sister K got me a gift it was a little wooden angel and on the front of the box it says, "Always in my mind, Forever in my heart." I really like the saying and it's sitting on my nightstand by my bed :) I see it every night and I think about the night Olivia was born and when K gave it to me. It's a really great gift and I cherish it.

September 24, 2009
Well, that night my mom stayed with me and I wanted to sleep with Olivia and my mom was worried that the nurses would freak out with me sleeping with her. So she said that she would just take Olivia when I fell asleep. I did fall asleep but I woke up to my mom holding her in the rocking chair which I thought was adorable. I think it was around 3 that time when I woke up and I couldn't fall back asleep. I almost just wanted to stay awake to watch Olivia and be around her all the time. My mom thought it would be a good time to feed her and so we fed her and then I had to call one of the nurses to help me go to the bathroom. For some reason they need to help you go to the bathroom the first time, I guess they don't want you like falling or passing out. I still had my IV in and they said they would take it out when I went. So the nurse took it out and she tried to clot it but it didn't clot very well because when I tried to sit myself up on the bed after she bandaged me my hand exploded with blood. It was the weirdest feeling because I noticed my hospital gown was wet and I looked down and there was blood everywhere. I'm like... uhhhh... and looked at my hand and it was drenched in blood. So the nurse helped me clean up and then I had to get a new hospital gown. What a great time.
Olivia at the time, was sleeping in her bassinet and so after the nurse left I tried to go back to sleep. But I couldn't. Or I would and I would hear Olivia's little sighs and noises and would wake up immediately and check to see if she was okay. So I finally just had her go to sleep with me and when the nurse came back she didn't really seem to mind. None of them did really. We got up at 6 to feed and change her and then I couldn't fall back asleep and just stayed up talking to my mom and took a shower and then I think around 9 I fell back asleep holding Olivia and just took an hour nap. I felt bad because my mom didn't get much sleep either and so she was just waiting for N to get there. I texted him around 10:30 and told him that Olivia misses her daddy. So he said he'd be there soon and that he's just helping around the house. He was dropped off at the hospital by his parents but they couldn't stop in and see Olivia.
It was N and I together for a few hours with her. And we just kind of talked. He was telling me that his mom was pretty upset the night before because she wouldn't be Olivia's grandma. I remember that N was holding her and I was playing with her hair and I made the comment, "I love her hair." And it wasn't exactly that reality hit me that I wasn't going to be her mom. It was always in my mind. But I was hurting over it. I wanted to be her mom and I wanted to grow up with her and be able to wash her hair and braid it and play dress up with her. I then was freaking out because I remember girls from group telling their story about how much they were at peace with their decision with adoption. At the time, I was freaking out. I started bawling. I didn't understand the feelings I was having. It was almost second thoughts but at the time, I still knew adoption was what's best. I just almost didn't feel like I was at peace with my decision with adoption. I didn't think it was normal. All I could do was cry and think what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I be her mom? Why couldn't I be able to raise her? But I would think it over and remember why I was doing it and why I couldn't be her mom. It hurts more than anything to think about not being her parent. Nic kept asking me what was wrong or what I was thinking about. I couldn't calm myself down enough to even answer him.
I choked out the words, "Her hair."
I couldn't say anything else more. He probably thought it was the weirdest answer but that's all I got. D texted me and said, "Hey new mommy! We hope you're having a great morning with Olivia. We just wanted to see if we could stop by and let B meet Olivia. We don't want to intrude." D and V came over to have B meet Olivia for the first time. My mom and I had her dressed up in this warm fleece outfit that my sister Katrina purchased for her the night before because we didn't really have any clothes for her. I didn't think about packing any. But the hospital gives you little onesies. Olivia did scratch her face though that morning, I didn't realize it that her nails were SO long and able to do that. We covered her hands with socks so she didn't scratch her pretty face. :)
When they got there Olivia was kind of getting upset. She was bundled up in that fleece outfit and two blankets. So we switched her out of that into a onesie that said, "I'm the little sister." And she seemed pretty content not being bundled up, she was probably just feeling really hot from being warmed up. After D and V came, my little sister K walked over from the high school to see Olivia. And my friend Natasha who has been there since I found out I was pregnant and introduced me to my current singles ward that I'm attending, she's been a really great friend and she was able to stop by and meet Olivia.
Around 3:30, our caseworker Loni, showed up to talk to us. I was already on edge with my emotions and knew she needed to talk to us about placement and the adoption. And I didn't even want to look at her or talk to her. I kind of was just feeling numb towards her presence because I didn't want to think about the adoption. I wanted time to enjoy my little Olivia as I'm being her mom for that time. Loni had everyone leave the room and she asked how we were doing. I avoided the question and said, "Good."
N then said, "I'm sorry but I'm not going to cover up for you. She had a breakdown this morning." Then the tears started coming again and Loni asked me what I was thinking about. And I just said, "She's here now and I don't want to let her go." Atleast that was to the extent of what I said. Loni then asked N how he was doing and he said that he was doing okay but it's hard for him. He told her that it didn't really hit him that he was going to be a dad until Monday night when he was feeling Olivia move and when I told him that she was playing hide and seek with her dad. He kind of got emotional and I had never seen N really get to the point where he was on the verge of tears when he and I were dating. Or ever after that.
Loni then said it was going to be hard but we'll make it through. She then left to give us sometime and talk to everyone who was waiting to come back in. I was overwhelmed with the amount of people who were there visiting at the same time. I almost just wanted everyone to leave. I looked at Olivia and just cried. She was everything I dreamed about. She was my angel. My little sweetheart. N turned to me and said, "You know, this isn't goodbye, it's just a see ya later." I said, "I know. But it still hurts."
I told Loni when she was there, before everyone came back in that it didn't bother me when D and V came by to see her because it felt good to see them together as a family. Because that's why I chose them to be a family. But it hurt more after when I was alone because I couldn't have that. I was feeling a lot better afterwards getting my feelings out but I never mentioned having the feelings of regret almost in my decision because I don't want to admit that I felt that way but I almost did. It's hard to explain because you while I was pregnant I was definitely thinking, "Olivia is going to have the best life and amazing parents." It was as if I could see it, but once she was in my arms. I couldn't see that. I could only see her. It scared me because I wanted those feelings back, I wanted to be okay with my decision. But once I saw her, I just could only think about her right then, not with her other family or how'd she be years from now. Just her, me, and N. I just had to think it through, I had to write a paper about why I was placing and I would just think back what I had written and what was best for her. Even though it hurt me, and it wasn't the best for me, this whole experience wasn't about me. It's about her.
After I had calmed myself and able to think about other things, everyone came back in And around 4:30 some girls from group visited me and Olivia. There is a post placement group on Thursdays and so the girls that came to visit were from that group. It was really good because I was feeling at peace knowing that those girls had gone through it and experienced the same pain that I was feeling.
D and V left while they were visiting. Then the girls left. And then my mom and little sister left. Around 7, K (V's sister) and Bradshaw came to visit while D and V were at a sibling's choir concert. Also, Andee came to visit me and held Olivia. She was one of the first people to tell me that Olivia looks like an Olivia and that made me happy. Haha. While she was there one of N's friends was there to see Olivia. He was pretty excited about it because, that friend was the only one that saw him and Olivia while we were in the hospital. No one in his family came to see him or her. My sister RuthAnn was there as well. K and Andee left. I hope RuthAnn doesn't mind that I post this that she felt a little bit jealous of K while she was holding Olivia because she's like, "Oh. She gets to be her Aunt." N's friend left and then RuthAnn went and got us some food. RuthAnn went to Cafe Rio and I wanted Arby's. N paid for my food every time someone went out to get us something. Which was nice of him. RuthAnn came back and we just sat around and talked and what stayed in my mind is what RuthAnn said, well, it was more of a lyric that I posted on my facebook status the night I did placement. It's a song by The Fray and the line is, "The hardest thing and the right thing are the same." We sat around and listened to music for about an hour. And RuthAnn was holding Olivia and such. Around 9:15, I got really excited. I said, "Olivia will be a day old soon! We need to celebrate!" Well, to celebrate we watched the accidental video that RuthAnn took of Olivia's birth to kind of just remember the whole night and her BIRTHday. baha. Then RuthAnn took pictures of me and N together at exactly 9:36. :) After that we played a celebratory game of Kingsburg.
Olivia was on mommy's team and we conquered.
Her first game of Kingsburg and she was on the winning team, what a lucky girl. :)

N stayed that night with me at the hospital. He said he wanted to help out and stuff and let me get some rest. We were trying to get the DVD player to work because I still had 17 Again with me in my purse but it wasn't working at all. We ended up watching something on the history channel about weird secrets about the capitol. Yeah, I know. What an awesome night. I had him lay next to me in the hospital bed while he was holding her so I could look at her. The nurses told me that they were going to be taking her at about 2 to the nursery and to run some tests that would only take a half hour. It was about midnight already and N and I just sat up and watched the show and he kept telling me to go to sleep. But I couldn't Olivia was wide awake. I couldn't sleep while she was awake. Olivia was getting kind of fussy and we didn't really know why. My little sister K bought her a little baby bracelet and it had gone up into her armpit and I guess it kind of dug into her skin. She was just too little to have jewelry. I remember when we first got it and N was like, "Her first piece of jewelry!" I said, "Yep. She'll get more of that." I then started thinking about me and N and everything that we had just gone through and I was sort of having feelings. Or thinking about me and N getting back together. I knew it wouldn't happen but I had a secret hope that maybe he had those same feelings too. Yeah, I'm stupid. I'm a girl. What can I say? I mean, come on, I didn't date this guy for almost a year and be pregnant with his baby for almost a year and not have any feelings for him still? Or atleast still care about him?
So I said to him, "I'm going to be really awkward but, what if we got back together?" And he said, "I think if we got back together it'd be almost a mistake giving Olivia to D and V." I said to him, "No. It wouldn't be like that. It just means we're not prepared to be parents and they are." He stopped talking and I kind of got the hint that he didn't want to talk about it anymore and changed the subject. So. I went to sleep. Ha. Or atleast tried. He went and sat over in the rocking chair and I woke up around 1:30 and noticed he was asleep in the rocking chair holding Olivia. I asked him if he wanted me to stay up with her because I couldn't fall back asleep. He asked me if I was sure and I told him it was fine and I would wake him up when the nurses came back with her. He brought her over and I stayed up until the nurses came to take her for the test. He was asleep the whole time and I kind of just layed in bed and rested my eyes. I was waiting for them to bring her back at 2:30 and they didn't. At 2:45, I was getting pretty anxious. But I waited patiently. Even though I was thinking, I have a limited time with her and to sleep next to her, bring her back... come on. They brought her back around 3. N woke up to them bringing her back in and I told him that I was just going to feed and change her and go back to sleep and he asked me if I wanted him to do it so I could sleep and I told him he was a lot more tired than I was and that I would. So he fell back asleep.
I went back to sleep, we had to keep track of how much she ate at the hospital and keep track of her diaper changes. The nurse came back in around 6 and asked me when was the last time she had been changed and feed and I just pointed to the whiteboard. I was completely out of it when the nurse came in. She asked me if I was okay and I just told her I was tired. I don't even think I woke up to her coming in to check on me.

September 25, 2009
N's parents called him around 7 to see where he was. He told them he was still at the hospital with me. I think they were talking about coming to visit and gave them the code to my room and stuff. We waited for about an hour and they didn't show up. They called back saying they weren't going to be able to make it. N got off the phone and I could tell he was sort of frustrated and I asked him if it bothered him that his parents weren't coming and he said kind of. He just felt like they didn't want to see her or support him. I felt really bad for him. He didn't really have a ride home either because they had his car.
My mom came around 9:30 and N's parents had dropped him off a car, but they couldn't stop in to see Olivia? I don't know. N needed to go home to shower and to nap for a little bit. He said he didn't get much sleep because he would wake up in the night and make sure Olivia and I were okay. Loni told me that day before that we would probably stay another night at the hospital and do placement at 9 in the morning on Saturday. So I had in my mind that I had the whole rest of the day with her and I was pretty happy. Loni called me around 10 and told me that they wouldn't let me stay another night and that placement was either going to have to happen that night or she was going to have to go home with me and placement would happen in the morning. I kind of freaked myself out at that point. I honestly thought I didn't have that much time with her at all. That those two days just flew by and it wasn't fair. I didn't want to take her home because it would just be ten times harder on me to do placement because I would just think about coming home and laying in bed and not having her next to me. I still have those feelings even though she didn't come home with me.
D and V texted me a little bit after I found out and they said, "Hey are you up for a quick visit? It's totally okay if you're not." I felt bad because I wanted them to stop by and I just said to them I'm about to jump in the shower and I'm not really feeling up to the visitors. I found out placement is tonight." They texted back and they said they were sorry and they hoped I was able to have that extra night with her and they understood why I wouldn't want visitors. I let other people know that I just wanted family for visitors. My mom was with me and I texted N and let him know. And so we planned on doing placement around 8 that night. My mom watched Olivia while I took a shower and got ready. I decided I wanted to do a little photoshoot with Olivia. I wanted really nice pictures with us together and my mom needed to pick up my little sister from school around 2:30 and she was going to go pick up a dress so Olivia had something cute to wear. RuthAnn was going to come around 3 or 3:30 to do the pictures and I let N know. My mom made me some herbal tea to help so my milk didn't come in.
I texted D and V asked them if I could use their camera to take pictures of her since their camera was so nice. So they came by around 2:45 after my mom had left and V's mom came to visit as well. When she walked in the door she cried and said she was so beautiful. At the time, I was feeling really at peace and content with everything. V's mom held her and they dropped off the camera and they were going to pick it up at placement. It was so nice for them to do that. Well, I was by myself for about an hour or so Olivia started getting really fussy. I had just fed her an hour before my mom left and she was freaking out and I was trying to take pictures of her and I couldn't because she was crying. So I didn't think she was hungry but she was. And then when N and RuthAnn got there I had just fed her a little bit before that and so I fed her three times within two hours and it was just so frustrating. It kind of freaked me out. I was stressing because N told me that he was going to be there around 2:30. Then, he didn't show up until about 3:30 and RuthAnn showed up a little bit before N got there.
The caseworker at the hospital asked me if I wanted some molds of Olivia's hands and feet and he had a friend that he's been working with for years and he does this with birthmothers who are placing out of state and so she was going to come by around 4 or 4:30. When RuthAnn and N showed up though, Olivia was as content as could be and I didn't want to be in any pictures at that moment because I wanted to break down because nothing was going my way. And then I ended up taking most of the pictures. I don't want RuthAnn to be mad at me or a hater. I was thinking she would be excited to take these pictures for me and she took a few and didn't really do anything. I ended up having to take over the camera and taking pictures. I mean, my day wasn't turning out right at all. I found out that morning I was placing, Olivia was upset, and then she decided to cooperate while everyone was there, I couldn't do anything. Then on top of that my mom was supposed to be there with a dress for Olivia but she couldn't find any. The lady came and did the molds and after she left I just broke down. I couldn't handle being so stressed and being so frustrated with everyone and everything.
After crying for about 20 minutes I had RuthAnn and my mom leave and told them to give me and N a few minutes. Then after they left I just was crying and I had N hold Olivia while I went and got tissues. I came back and he was crying. Yeah. Crying. I just let him cry. I texted my mom and told her to give us about an hour. And that was at 5:30. We were going to place our daughter into the arms in another family in less than 3 hours. It was kind of a big stress. I was crying right along with him and put my arm around him and just rubbed his back while he cried and played with her beautiful hair. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said no. And I went to grab more tissues (we were actually using toilet paper. haha.) and I just said SCREW IT and grabbed a whole roll of toilet paper and brought it out. He then started telling me that he was scared. He was scared that she was going to have asthma (N has asthma) and no one was going to understand her but him and she can't really come to him. And that he couldn't be there for her for anything like when she fell of her bike and scraped her knee. That he couldn't watch her grow up right beside him. I told him, that she was always going to know who he is. She'll come to him BECAUSE she knows that he's the one that understands her if she has asthma. She'll always know that he was her father, the guy who she shared the same ears, toes, eyes, and smile with, and that he loved her very much and was doing this because he loved her. And he basically said to me, that he could not go through what I did to bring her here and that it was amazing that she was actually there and he didn't want to let her go either. But it's the right thing to do. I told him I know but it's the hardest thing because I wish it was different. But I know it's right and that she's here for D and V.
She got a little bit fussy and she needed her diaper changed. I went out into the hall because we ran out of wipes. RuthAnn came up to me and gave me a hug and said she was going to leave and that tonight was going to suck. haha. I told her I know.
The nurse brought me wipes and more diapers and my mom and RuthAnn came back in the room. After she was all cleaned up, N decided he was hungry and was going to go down to the cafeteria. RuthAnn left with him and he called me a few minutes later and told me that it was closed and he was going to the dubs to get food and if I wanted anything. I told him a kids grilled cheese and fries :) ha. My mom sat and waited with me and I told her all that was said and what was going on. And she wanted pictures with Olivia. We changed her into this cute pink outfit that my mom got her instead of the dress that day. N came back and we were eating. My dad came in and stuff. I wanted to ask for a fathers blessing but I just didn't get around to it in time. I had to get checked by the nurse. I had to call D and V to get there so they could watch a video about adoption. And then I had to do some check off things before placement with the nurse. So the nurse came and checked me (she had to push on my stomach and check my bleeding to make sure I wasn't hemorraging and my vitals) she then had to go over kind of some things about the baby and about post partum. I also didn't know that they had the birth certificate papers in a folder and so I had to fill that out.
I was filling out her birth certificate and I asked N what he thought I should put on there. And he was like, "Well... her name is Olivia right?" I said, "Yeah. But I meant her middle name." And he asked, "Isn't it going to be Kate?" I told him, "That's what D and V are naming her." I told him on the way home from D and V's cabin on Monday I was going to name her Olivia N. And he asked me why the middle name N. I told him after him. I could tell that made him pretty happy and he said, "Put whatever you want." So on the birth certificate I filled out for her is, Olivia N. When the nurse was going over the list of post partum with me, she told me about not having intercourse or using things before my 6 week post partum appointment. I told her I wasn't planning on it. And I told her about the dream I had the night before that I was pregnant AGAIN. Right after having Olivia and I was yelling, "That's not even possible! I haven't had sex yet!" She laughed at me and told me that she had a friend that went back to her 6 week appointment and found out she was pregnant. It freaked me out after she told me that, I don't know why. I don't plan on having sex until after I'm married. But it still freaked me out.
I remember after that looking at the clock and it was 7:30 and I started tearing up and crying a little bit because I had to place soon. And the nurse just looked at me and asked me if I was okay. And I told her I was fine. And she was on the verge of tears and said, "I look up to you. There was no way this was an easy decision for you." And she asked me if I wanted her bow and I said I was alright. And N said, "I'll take it!" I laughed and he asked, "You don't want it? To scrapbook or something?" I smiled and he said, "I knew you would want it." The nurse asked me if I wanted a lock of her hair and I cried. I told her yeah. And so she had to take her to the nursery to give her a bath and I think I sat with N and my parents while they did that. They brought her back and gave me and N a little bow and a lock of her hair and gave her new socks for her hands and gave me and N the ones that she had worn the past two days at the hospital. She was one of the nicest nurses and I loved that she offered that. It was very sweet of her.

My next blog post will be a slideshow of pictures from those two days. Then placement.
It's too late to post the pictures and get that all put together. Sorry :(