Music&Horoscopes

I'm grateful for...

1. Horoscopes
2. Friends
3. Power of Music

Horoscopes- Well, on my Facebook I have signed up to see my daily horoscope. I used to check it everyday but not so much anymore. But I swear EVERY time I look at it. It's something creepily correct. I think I remember reading one of them the day I went into labor and it said something like, "be patient. You might not want to ask for help but let it happen if people want to help you."
If you don't know me, I can be the most stubborn person on the planet. Thank you, Taurus.

This is my horoscope for today.
"Feels like a time for change in your intimate and personal partnerships. A sense of emotional coolness or detachment at the personal level all combined with an emphasis on idealism. Your tolerance for those who's energies aren't in tune with yours is becoming more noticeable. Definitely a time to consider making some changes or even talking about the issues at hand."

I'm obviously looking for friends or guys who have the same values as me. It's hard when I still have my old friends and still had those old habits that I don't want to get into. It's hard to drop them off the face of the Earth or just be acquaintance's.
I have been struggling with that. Because they will contact me and to be nice I will reply. But at times I just know who they are and what they do. I try to stay away from them as much as I can so I can't be put in a bad situation.
I definitely have been considering making some changes or even talking about the issues at hand with someone. Aka Bishop.

Friends- My friend Alyssa, who is a birth mom as well, made a blog. And she posted some beautiful things about me. She is an awesome friend. I can't believe how much we've both been through and we've both been through the same thing. Yet at the same time we had different things happening within our adoption story.
Birth moms have this unspeakable bond towards each other. We all feel the heartache. We hear of their experiences and remember what it was like. Sometimes, girls don't even have to talk about their story. A girl has recently placed her baby for adoption in our group and when I found out she had her baby. My heart HURT. I wanted to break down and just cry because I remember all the emotions and thoughts of giving birth, of holding your baby for the first time, saying hello and goodbye, and seeing your baby with his/her new parents.
Alyssa is honestly my spirit sister. She listens to me when I'm complaining STILL about the baby's daddy. Even though, I shouldn't. She's amazing!
So is my friend Jessica- she has been there through me most of me growing up and going through my rebellious stage. She and I got the hint around the same time that we needed to grow up. We did. We have matured and she is a beautiful lady!

Power of Music- Speaking of Jessica. She works at a nursing home. Her mom and a friend of hers sang some songs to the elderly. I love music. I love how much it touches our hearts. I mean, sometimes words aren't enough, or you can't say the right words. Yet with music, it comes out so fluently and perfect, you wish that's how you could speak.
Jessica's mom and her friend sang the song, "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride.
Just in the first verse I broke DOWN. Jessica's mom has known about Olivia and the adoption and she looked over at me and had to have her friend sing the song because she started crying, once she saw me crying.



"In My Daugher's Eyes"- Martina McBride
In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero I am strong and wise
And I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh, It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hanging on when your heart
Has had enough
It's giving more when you feel
Like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am
And what will be
And though she'll grow
And someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see
How happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes


While looking up the lyrics and videos on Youtube, I also found this song, I believe it was on Quest for Camelot. Julianna goes to save King Arthur and Camelot. I think that this song could be sung by a birth mom to an adoptive couple or adoptive mother.



A Mother's Prayer

I pray you'll be my eyes
And watch her where she goes
And help her to be wise
Help me to let go

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

I pray she finds your light
And holds it in her heart
As darkness falls each night
Remind her where you are

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Need to find a place
Guide her with your grace
Give her faith so she'll be safe

Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

:)

6 weeks

Look at my little gangster (:

Cute Smile (:

I'm grateful for...

1. Weekly picture updates.
2. High school presentations.
3. Post-placement group and Priesthood.


2- Well, today I went to Pleasant Grove high school and did a presentation on adoption. I wasn't really prepared because I went to watch a birth mom do a presentation. The second one, we had a few other birth moms come and watch and the birth mom actually invited us all to share our story. I was SO nervous. But it was so nice to have kids come up afterward and tell you thank you. I love educating people about adoption and how wonderful it is. (:

3- Post-placement group. The same birth mom that did the presentations today actually leads the post-placement group. Our group today was about virtue. And I LOVED it. It was a talk by Elaine S. Dalton called Return to Virtue. This whole discussion was basically an answer to my prayers and what I needed to hear. It has given me the extra push to want to do better.

Virtue means purity. It begins in the heart and in the mind.

So what are some of the things that we can do right now in order to remain virtuous in a toxic world?

First, repent. I am very aware that there are some listening tonight who don’t feel virtuous or who have made mistakes. That is why a return to virtue is so important. You must know that you can return. You can change.

If I were going the wrong way in the middle of a marathon, and I realized my mistake, would I keep going? I would immediately turn around! Why? Because I would have lost valuable time and precious energy and strength, and it would be much harder for me to finish the marathon because of this extra distance and added time. I wouldn’t stay on the wrong course because no matter how long I ran there, I would never reach the finish line. And yet for many who have made a moral mistake, a little voice keeps saying: “You blew it. You can’t change. No one will ever know anyway.” To you I would say, Don’t believe it. “Satan wants you to think that you cannot repent, but that is absolutely not true.” A return is always possible because of the Savior’s Atonement. President Monson has said to each of us who have made mistakes: “If any of you has slipped along the way, there are those who will help you to once again become clean and worthy. Your bishop or branch president is anxious and willing to help and will, with understanding and compassion, do all within his power to assist you in the repentance process, that you may once again stand in righteousness before the Lord.”

Second, be careful about your choice of friends. In today’s technological society, we may spend more time with nonhuman companions than we do with our peers. While we may be very careful about our human companions, sometimes we give little thought to the other companions that we allow to influence us. Media of any kind can be a very powerful social influencer. We have all been given three precious gifts for our mortal experience. These include our body, our agency, and our time. If Satan can entice us to use our time in unfocused or unproductive or, even worse, nonvirtuous pursuits and then deceive us into believing that if we do this in private our actions don’t affect anyone, he is victorious. “If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we [must] seek after these things”

Seek the companionship of virtuous friends, not virtual friends. Remember, “virtue loveth virtue [and] light cleaveth unto light” . This is a relationship scripture. In your pursuit of friendships and an eternal marriage partner, you cannot just make a list of all the qualities you are looking for in another or in an eternal companion. You must be your list at all times and in all things and in all places.

Third, enter a program of strict training. When training for a marathon, one has to have a strict training plan in order to be prepared to go the distance. This same concept applies to life. We are in the run of our life, and there must be a strict training plan. The success components of this plan include things we will do every single day, without fail, in order to invite the Spirit’s companionship into our life. They will be different for each of us but will always include daily prayer. Our Heavenly Father hears our prayers, and He will answer them. I testify that that is true. Our challenge is to be in a place where we can hear and recognize the answers.

Strict training will also include daily reading of the Book of Mormon. Joseph Smith said that “a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book.”The Book of Mormon will increase your faith in Jesus Christ, and it is through your faith that you will be able to withstand temptation. This record is for you and your generation. Reading just five minutes every single day will change your life. I know this is true because I have been doing it, and so have thousands of others. Think of the change in five years if every one of us would commit to do this even for just five minutes every single day.

Lastly, smile! And when you smile, remember who you are. You are sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. He knows you. He knows your name. He trusts you, and He loves you. So, smile! This is just basic training, but it must be strictly done every single day.

“Press forward with … a perfect brightness of hope”. Don’t get discouraged! Your journey will be challenging at times, and it will not always be easy.

Your lives of purity and virtue are the banner that will cause the nations of the earth to look up—to come to the temple. As you remain virtuous, you will be led by the Holy Ghost, and your personal virtue will qualify you to go to the temple often. If you don’t have a recommend, now is the time to become worthy to receive one. This is your work. The temple will be a strength and a protection to you in an ever-darkening world, and it will become an ensign not only to you but to the nations. A return to virtue is a return to the temple, and a return to the temple is a return to the Savior.


Priesthood- I was talking to my friend Alyssa on the way home from group about it. And something struck me so hard that it brought me to tears and it was the Priesthood.
I remember when my dad walked in the room while I was in labor and when he walked in I honestly felt the Spirit intensify. My dad didn't even have to say that he was going to give me a blessing because I knew. And it brought me to tears just seeing him walk in and feeling the Spirit. And when I was telling her that I was choking back the tears just remembering the feeling of the Spirit and of the Priesthood. Dustinn and my dad were able to put their hands on my head and bless me and Olivia. It was a very sacred and spiritual moment for me that I can barely even begin to describe. I'm grateful for the Gospel and how much it has blessed me. I can't wait to return to virtue and be clean. I can't wait to find the guy that will be able to bless me and my future children by the Priesthood.

I'm going to the midnight showing of The Fourth Kind (:
Yep, another scary movie. Wish me luck! Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight... without the light on this time.

Grateful&Caring

November 3- I'm grateful for...

1. New 20 dollar pants and 40 dollar boots. Thank you Fred Meyer and Kohl's for making me so stylish.
2. Flights that are on time. (I got home from Oregon yesterday)
3. That I'm not one of the "Plus Eight" from Jon&Kate.

November 4- I'm grateful for...

1. Having a healthy pregnancy and wonderful healthy baby.
2. Adoption. All the blessings, opportunities, and people that come with it.
3. Babies- I'm an Auntie times 5. My oldest sister is due in July. I found out on Monday.

I just got back from a week long vacation with my sister Erika. It was a blast seeing her and her children. I hadn't seen her since March.

She has posted some pictures from the trip on her blog. It was definitely fun and nice to be able to get away from everything. Hey, if guys can run away when they find out they got their girlfriend pregnant. I can run away after I placed my baby for adoption. Probably not the best thing, but it was nice to have someone who knew my situation and not having to be bombarded with questions everyday and have to repeat myself over and over.

I was able to see my Grandma and my Aunt.

I did kind of grow a back bone while in Oregon. Well. Out of the random, Nic texted me.
Yeah, I NEVER hear from him. It's always me having to initiate conversation.
All he asked was how I was doing.
I told him I was good and in Oregon and how he was.
He said he was good and he was just checking on me to see how I was doing.

For some reason, this BOTHERED me. I mean, I didn't really have to think about him at all during my trip. Okay, that's a lie.
When my dad dropped me off at the airport, this time last year, Nic and I were together. He was planning on getting a job at the airport and moving out to Salt Lake and he wanted me to move in with him. It didn't help that there was a couple on the airplane with a baby. It made me think about when Dustinn and Val flew home with Olivia. And I just cried. I cried because I was alone. I cried because I had empty arms and nothing to show. I cried because I was happy that Dustinn and Val did have that. Lots of emotion.

Well, I thought about it most of the day. I mean, why would he start asking me NOW? He didn't ask me how I was doing while I was pregnant.

I texted him the day after he sent me that text and I said to him, "Look Nic, you don't have to pretend that you care about me and ask me how I'm doing. I know you don't."
I didn't get anything back.

But that's just how I feel. I don't want someone to PRETEND that they care about me. And I know that he doesn't because if he did, we'd be together. We'd be a family. I'm just sick of his BS and want to find someone who really does care. I was at the point where I thought I was getting over him and ready to move on. Then he texted me out of the blue. This next year will be really hard on me. I hate memories. Everything good has to come back to me. Mine and Nic's relationship was great. Not so great after he dumped me and didn't care to come back to me. I remember all the good things.
Erika and I went to Kohl's and I got a mommy&me frame and going to put a picture of me and Olivia in there. And I saw a daddy&me and thought about getting it for Nic for Christmas. I CAN'T think that way. I was with Nic during Christmas, so of course, all of that came back. I can't listen to Saving Abel at all these next few months because it brings back too many memories of us listening to them together. I wish I had some way to block him out of my mind. But I can't. He's always there. Just like Olivia is always going to be there.

To me, it felt like Nic was just seeing how I was doing since I haven't talked to him in a while. It's like he missed his fan club. Baha. I don't know. I'm sure that it's just me ranting about how much I still care about him and feels like he doesn't. I really don't know how he feels so I can't tell you that. I don't ever talk to him. So.

I talked to Nic and apologized for what I said to him and that I just felt like he didn't care. And he said, "Well I wouldn't do it if I didn't care but I'll leave you alone."
Meh. That's my life. Sorry to end this so abruptly. I'm going out on a double date tonight. (:
I love this blog post.
November is the National Adoption Month. Woot.

Grateful

Val and some of her family are posting "3 things I am grateful for" each day, for the month of November. Feel free to join via your own blog or comment. (:

November 1st-

I'm grateful for...

1. Dustinn and Val. I miss them SO much. I think of them all the time.

2. Warm, sunny weather. (unfortunately there is none here in Oregon)

3. My sister Erika for staying up with me until 3 in the morning just talking.

November 2nd-

I'm grateful for...

1. My cute little nieces and nephew. (:

2. Modern communication (blogs, facebook, cellphones, email, snail mail)

3. This sweet princess that is 2,900 miles away. She's changed my life.

Olivia's first Halloween

Bradshaw was a monkey and Olivia was a flower. They weren't able to go Trick-or-Treating because it was raining outside. I love the pictures. I hope D&V don't mind that I steal their pictures off their blog. (:

5 weeks.

1 month old above.

Way too precious!

I won't really be updating my blog this week. I'm in Oregon visiting my sister (:

Motherhood

When Andee made a post about what not to say to birthmoms/adoptive moms.

"Don't complain about being a mother
I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain."

One blogger said,

"I believe that it is a little unrealistic and a little unfair to expect a mother not to complain about being a mother. To expect that is actually belittling, in my opinion. It's basically saying, "Well, you don't know what TRUE sacrifice is because you have never had to place your child, so I better not hear about how you have a hard time raising your kids." The fact is that being a mother (birth mom or not) is HARD and it can be overwhelming. Not to say that I don't "cherish every moment," but there are some moments that I'd rather not have to cherish. Those moments tend to be the ones where I learn that there are certain things that I don't like about myself."Another blogger said,

"It isn't that you can't complain about being a parent, but don't complain to a birth mother or an adoptive mother about parenthood. Because it comes across insensitive to those of us that have spent hours on our knees praying for the chance to raise a child. My sister has at times vented to me her frustrations with parenting, and I have to end the conversation because it hurts too much to hear.

It isn't unrealistic or unfair to ask you be respectful about motherhood, when you are talking to a birth mother or adoptive mother. Surely there are other people in your life you can vent to that aren't as sensitive to the subject.

Be grateful, you have never felt the heavy burden of empty arms."


This post is not directed to anyone. Just everyone. This is kind of what's been weighing on my mind heavily. It brings me to tears to even think about it. I know that might not seem much since my emotional state is so fragile. Baha. Not really. It takes a lot for me to get worked up to bring on tears. But mostly when something has to do with Olivia or being a mom. It can get the water works going within seconds.

Motherhood is truly the biggest sacrifice made on both ends. Of being a birth mom and having to place. Or being a mother and raising your child.
There are times that I do want to express that those two days in the hospital were the greatest days in my life. Those are the days that I was her mom. Those are the days that I was the closest ever to Olivia. I might not EVER get those days again. At least, not in this lifetime. They are very sacred to me. Even when I think about it, I feel the Spirit. I feel at peace. I am grateful to have those times and be that close to God and to Olivia.


Do not talk down to me about my experience. Do not talk down about how much motherhood is a pain. If God had given me the ability to never sleep those two days. I would've (I actually didn't get a lot of sleep for that matter). It's weird to say, but more than anything right now, I wish I had a screaming child in my ear all night. It'd at least be my baby next to me.
I don't want to hear, "you'll have more children someday." Someday is looking pretty far away to me. I want at times I want someday to be right now.


After this experience, I don't think I could ever take this for granted. I'm sure there are moments when I do become a mother again that I wish that my screaming baby would stop. But then I'd take a step back and remember what I had lost before and would never want to lose again. I will cherish each moment differently.


I don't think you have to experience anything big like placing your child to cherish motherhood. You just have to look in your child's eyes and remember the sacrifice you took to bring them there. If it takes a lot for you to remember that, just think about the times you could've lost your child, think that maybe they won't be there tomorrow. Does that make you want to hold on to them tighter? I know it did for me every single night at the hospital with Olivia. I never wanted to let her go. I didn't. And yes, one morning, she was gone. I still have that heartache every morning. Without even knowing or putting into much thought, I remember what I lost.



Right now, I'm thinking, maybe if I get married right away and have kids that space could be filled in my heart. The day that Olivia was born my heart was full. The day she left, she left an open wound. I know with time it will get smaller but it will never fully go away.
I'm sure people think, "Why would you ever want that?" Why wouldn't you? I wish I had what my sister's have. I had a loss, but at the same time I gained so much more. I can't wait for the day that Olivia tells me, "Thank you for the sacrifice you made as a mother and giving me a family."
Also, in Andee's post girls added that they get, "I could never do that." When we tell them about our adoption story. I get that DAILY.


In the post placement group on Thursday, a girl brought that up when her own MOM said that to her and I was surprised with this girls answer she said, "You were never asked to."
If the Lord had asked you to sacrifice yourself for your children, in a way that it could almost kill you? Would you do it? I did. I did it because I was asked to.
When I was led to the choice of adoption. The Lord wasn't just looking out for Olivia, he was looking out for me. And he still is. He blesses me everyday, I know that every time I see pictures of Olivia with her family.


A blogger wrote,

"I agree with the others who have added "I could never do that." It's insulting, and insinuates that I loved my son less than you would have in the same position. Ridiculous. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't realize how much love it takes to make such a difficult choice possible AND positive. To immediately assume you couldn't do it either discounts your own strength or discounts the eternal value of adoption. Either is unacceptable to me!"

I hope my post doesn't offend. I don't want this to be a war against mothers/birth mothers/adoptive mothers. This is just how I'm feeling and how sensitive this subject really is to me.