I think during National Adoption Month, I've read some really amazing posts by awesome people. And I've read some not so good posts by (they could be) awesome people. I hope what I say does not come off childish or offensive. And I know my really good friend might hate me for this but I'm just voicing my opinion. I will be breaking it down just like this post. (Breaking down a Potential Adoptive Parents profile). This blog that I'm linking to is a birthmom and her birthdaughter placed her son for adoption.
You can find the post that I'm breaking down here. I'm only doing this because I didn't get the courtesy of getting a comment back from this post (About open adoption). I got a whole entire blog post, which you are about to read as I break it down. You may add on whatever you feel is necessary. This is not meant to start a blog war but I think it's an interesting topic.
"I have been told that I don’t understand modern day adoption. I have been told what I write about is all in the past. So I guess now we do not change birth certificates. Everyone has access to their OBC (original birth certificate), right. Adoptees are absolutely equal to every other US citizen. PAP (Potential adoptive parents) are not ever encouraged to be in the delivery room and that puts no pressure on expectant women to place their child."
I don't know about you but I don't think there is any discrimination against adoptees in anyway, shape or form. They can't be hired from jobs just because they are adopted. They have special benefits because they are adopted. Isn't that what an adoptive child wants? To feel equality? Just because the OBC isn't in their possession doesn't mean anything. An OBC just tells you who gave birth to you and who your BIRTHparents are. I think the ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE IS THE ONE THAT YOU HAVE AFTER YOU'RE ADOPTED. Because that says who your REAL parents are. Who encourages the PAP to be in the delivery room? I was never encouraged it was always MY decision. It was never the PAP's decision. I wasn't pressured to let them be there. I wanted them to be there to see THEIR child enter into this world to be able to have that special moment to be there the day their child was born.
"Our laws are still against expectant mothers. Woman are still given papers to relinquish their children while they are in the hospital, while their child is in the hospital. While they are still recovering from the delivery. They are given the papers while PAP are outside of the room, in the hospital. No that does not speak of pressure and coercion at all. Obviously things have changed a lot. It seems to be a lot more sly with coercion. While woman are crying hysterically they are given papers to relinquish their child. Yes that is happening today in our society.
Why is there not a waiting period after you sign the papers before your rights are relinquished in every state? Why do dads have barely any legal rights to their children? Why do case workers not always tell mothers that once the papers are signed they will not be able to get their child’s OBC? That is told after the papers are signed. Why are woman told not to put the fathers name on the OBC if they are planning to place their child for adoption? Yes that does happen in 2010. How are these children going to feel in 18 years or more when they find out their father is not on their OBC. Will they question their moms honesty and wonder if their mom’s even know who their dad is?"
We are told that we can sign papers 24 hours after our child is born. We are ALSO told that we can sign whenever we want. We can bring the baby home. It was never set in stone that once the baby is born it is automatically the PAP's. It was and always has been our decision from the beginning. When I was in the hospital they said I could probably stay an extra day and LDS Family Services would pay for that day. I couldn't because the hospital didn't have enough rooms. I ended up doing placement that night. That was MY choice because I didn't think I could've gone through with the adoption if I brought Olivia home. That's just how I felt. I know many girls who have brought their babies home to spend more time with them. I know many girls that LDSFS offered to pay for them to stay in a hotel to have more time. I know plenty of girls who were GIVEN THE OPTION. It was NEVER pressured or coerced. They don't force everything. They might ask you when you're planning on doing it, which is reasonable considering they need to make plans. But they don't tell you to do it one way or another. Ever. I don't know any birthmom that they have done this too.
I asked an adoptive parent how she felt about this and I loved what she said. Her name is Danya. But you know, what do adoptive parents know, all they are is just coercive, baby hungry, manipulating baby snatcher *insert eye roll here*. She said- "what a frustrating post to read. She doesn't see the changes in adoption because she is choosing not to. Its very clear she does not understand many aspects of adoption. For example, she talked about how unfair it is that a birthmom has to sign papers as she's crying. I'm sorry but do you think a few extra days will make signing those papers easier? What birthmom doesn't cry when signing?"
I don't know about the laws that you're from. And if you don't know the laws how about you FIND OUT! That's all I'm asking. Don't act like you have all this information when you don't. If you have the time to write an ENTIRE blog post how aboout doing a little bit of research.
In Utah, it states that the father KNOWS when he consents to sexual intercourse. It is HIS job to check up on the girl to see if she is pregnant. It is the girl's choice to tell him if he's the father or not. But they are only given so many rights, if they want ALL rights. Please look up Putative Father. But this means that he is filing for paternity and he must do this all before the expectant parent relinquishes her rights. He is contesting against the adoption if he is doing that, He is trying to FIGHT for his rights.
Most girls don't put the father on the birth certificate- if they haven't told them, if they feel like the father wasn't really being a father (aka sperm donor), if they are protecting their child, if they know the father will fight against the adoption, or they don't know who the father is. Those are the only cases that I've heard. Once the papers are signed, the father cannot fight against the adoption. He doesn't have to sign papers either. I don't know about you. But I wouldn't want to place my baby just to find out that the father was already fighting for his rights (if he's so far into the process then the adoption can't go through) and go through so many different legal aspects and court. And to put so much grief on the shoulders of yourself, your family and the adoptive family.
Who CARES if he's not on the birth certificate? If you can't even get the orginal birth certificate then why is there a big fuss? Clearly, if you have been dishonest and untrustworthy in the past that's on YOU if your birth child questions it.
I was told BEFORE papers were signed if I was going to recieve my birthdaughter's OBC. Because some people are dishonest they use their child's OBC to get money from the government even though they aren't parenting the child. I knew because I ASKED. Like I said before, I wanted to make sure what I knew what I was getting myself into BEFORE I placed. It's not the agency's fault that you weren't educated and didn't search it all out. Like if we were in school, it's not the SCHOOL's fault that you failed your test. It's your fault because you didn't study for it.
"Four years ago I could not buy a car in California in the evening because there was a too high of chance that I was making a decision when I was too tired. Mothers are allowed to sign relinquishment papers in 2010 when they have slept 6 hours in the last 72 hours and had barely ate 400 of calories food in the last 3 days."
I don't know where you're getting all THAT information. I don't know if you're just clearly being sarcastic or mocking. But I was always told that you may not be under the influence of medication 4 or so hours before relinquishment. I also have been in this situation believe it or not and I have a friend who, also a birthmom, works at the hospital in maternity. There are few mothers who aren't coherent enough (especially when not under the influence of medicine), to make a rational decision. That whole paragraph is just plain EXCUSE. That's all.
"I can not imagine a natural mother being okay with letting their adult child relinquish their parental rights. I’m sure it happens but the natural mother that does allow that has to be rare. Most of us are not okay with seeing our children experience the same pain as us. Adoption agencies encourage natural mothers to sit on panels and share the great experience of adoption with other mothers. As natural mothers we wouldn’t want our children to go through it but some natural mothers encourage our friends and other women?"
Why wouldn't we want to tell our story? You have a blog. Isn't that telling YOUR story to your friends and other women? What's so different about sitting on a panel? It is encouraged because if you look at the stats that most girls choose to abort (#1) or single parent (#2). Adoption is last. Instead of killing your baby, how about you give your baby a chance to parents who can't give themselves that gift? I know PLENTY of single moms. I'm not here to judge them. I never have and I never will. I know they are great parents. I know they wouldn't ever want to give that up. But some girls are willing to look past themselves and look at their child's future 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now. Where will you be? Where will your child be? I think agencies ENCOURAGE the option also so they know it's out there and it's not so hush-hush anymore. But just because they encourage Adoption, doesn't mean they are telling you that if you don't place you're a horrible mother. Nor does it mean they are trying to coerce you in to placing. They are simply making sure you know it is an OPTION. and an incredible one as well. A selfless one.
The funny thing to me that I will just point out. Your birthdaughter that you placed recently just had a son that SHE PLACED. Why didn't you "warn" her? Why didn't you try to stop it if you're so for not letting adoption happen? You werre there at the hospital weren't you? Is this why you're upset? Because you couldn't stop it? Because your birthdaughter has her own agency and chose it? And because you're not HER mom to tell her what to do? It makes sense. I would beat myself up too knowing that I couldn't control the outcome. But you did. You had control if you wanted to place or not. We wouldn't even be talking about this mess if you would've just learned from your own mistakes. But now, your birthdaughter learned it from you. Congrats.
"I was also told Utah has great laws for parents giving up their rights. Is that why adoption agencies actually bring expectant mothers to Utah because of the laws protecting or exploiting natural mothers?
Maybe now a day’s adoption are different because agencies do not sell babies? There is no money exchanged ever for a child, right. There are no receipts for children, no checks being written, and no loans taken out to buy a baby. Obviously adoption is very different than 18 years ago."
You may also look on the same website for regulation of adoption expenses.
Payment of adoption related expenses is permitted as an act of charity. ''Adoption related expenses'' means expenses that are reasonably related to the adoption of a child and are incurred for a reasonable amount. These expenses may include expenses of the mother or father of the child being adopted, including:
Legal expenses
Maternity expenses
Medical and hospital expenses
Counseling expenses
Temporary living expenses during the pregnancy or confinement of the mother
Expenses for travel between the mother's or father's home and the location where the child will be born or placed for adoption
I don't know about you but if I heard about something like that and I lived out of state I'd get my plane ticket to Utah.
I'm sorry that birthmothers are given that luxury as adoptive parents are taking out loans and doing whatever they can to help provide for them and their child.
Allowable Payments for Relinquishing Child
Citation: Ann. Code § 76-7-203
It is unlawful for a person, while having custody, care, control, or possession of a child, to sell, dispose of, or attempt to sell or dispose of the child for, and in consideration of, the payment of money or other thing of value.
No payment may be made for the purpose of inducing the mother, parent, or legal guardian of a child to:
Place the child for adoption
Consent to an adoption
Cooperate in the completion of an adoption
"While we are on the subject different races of children all sell for different prices? Why? Why is one child worth more than others in the agencies and PAPs eyes?"
Danya said-Another thought that came to me is she seems to think in just black and white. She seems to think that everyone who like modern adoption only thinks modern adoption is all good - all rainbows and butterflies. That's not the case. I LOVE what adoption has/is evolving into but I also know it will never be perfect. Adoption deals with people. When you deal with people there WILL be BOTH the good and bad happening. I totally agree with what she said about the agencies that charge based on race. That is SO BEYOND WRONG. It's pretty much human trafficking! BUT just because a few agencies do it does NOT mean all agencies are bad. You HAVE to be able to see the shade of gray.
"I have been told that women will live in poverty when they keep their children. Of course that is possible and it does happen. Does it make them bad parents? I have known several women that started off as teenage moms. That lived in poverty, they fought for everything they had. They were amazing moms too. And now they are lawyers and business owners. Their kids could not have been prouder because they have seen what their mothers have overcame . They have seen the struggles and accomplishments of their moms. Is that a bad lesson to teach your children?
I don't think I know anyone who has been called a "bad parent" because they are a single parent. It doesn't make them a "bad parent" because they live in poverity. That has never been said. I know girls who have backed out of an adoption plan. Yeah, the adoptive parents were hurt and upset. Who wouldn't be? It's comparing it to... a miscarriage or stillborn. You were preparing for a baby. You were told you were going to have a baby. And now you're not anymore. But they have NEVER put down that girl just because they chose to parent. Or stop communication. They're still good friends. That doesn't sound like to me ALL they wanted from this girl was a baby. They have maintained contact and an open friendship with this girl not because of THE BABY. But because they have grown to love and care for this girl. They know their baby that is meant to be in their family will be there at the right time.
Everyone has their own choices. To completely subtract adoption out of the equation is absurd. Yes, single parenting is there. You've made it aware. You've made it aware that SO many people that you personally know have been awesome single parents and have been through tough times and lived in poverty and are now awesome people. I get it. My husband was an out of wedlock child. His mom had him at 18. She chose to single parent. Even though that he was raised by his grandparents for the first two years of his life until she remarried. I am not belittling or not acknowleding that single parenting is a tough challenge. I acknowledge it. I know it's tough to feel like you've come from nothing and work hard to get everything. But not everything is perfect in their family. I can guarantee that. And I know adoption isn't a perfect guarantee in life. That nothing bad will happen again to someone who placed. But if you look at the effects of single parenting vs. adoption. (Not putting any blame on those who chose to single parent on the child's psychological and mental result of the situation) I commend those who can raise their child on their own. But you're only listening to one voice. Your own. You're missing one other. Your child's. Lately, the child's voice has been often ignored or not heard. Tests and observations have shown children raised in single parent homes are more aggressive and rebellious. They are more likely to have bad grades, to drop out of school, get into trouble with the law, be arrested, get into trouble with drugs, or if you have a girl, become a teen mother like you. I'm just pulling these off the internet. You can look up the effects of children of single parenting yourself. And yes, I'm only choosing the negative because you are only choosing to see the negative of adoption.
If you didn't notice most adoptions these days are open. Which means that the child will learn from their birthmothers mistakes, look up to their birthmother and appreciate their birthmother for giving them a better life, yet teaching them how difficult one mistake could be.
"I have also been told if adoptive couples close the adoption they can still adopt another child through the same agency. I’m sorry but wtf? They have proven to an adoption agency they are liars and unethical but the adoption agency still will allow them to adopt they just put a note in their file for future natural mom. Obviously adoption is not at all about money right? One set of natural parent and their families have been crushed when the adoption closes but the agency will still sell another child to the same couple."
Danya said to this- "And then she talks about how open adoptions are not legally enforced and that should change. What is she looking for? Joint custody? Don't get me wrong, I think the adoptive parents who pull the bait and switch on their birthmoms are total scum but where do we draw the line into co-parenting?"
I don't see anything wrong with Adoptive parents closing the adoption due to the childs best interest. I.E. The birthmother is attempting to 'co-parent' or threatening to the family in anyway.
As far as cutting them off for no reason, it's rare. I can guarantee there are no adoptive families out there who do things like that to intentionally hurt a birthmother. They have their reasons for it and if you talked it out with them like an adult, you could probably figure those reasons and fix them if possible. The agency is NOT going to hold them cutting off contact against them. After all, once you sign relinquishment papers, the adoptive family, becomes the parents and they have rights to that child.
Sometimes there is nothing we can do about it and it's frustrating. From when an open adoption becomes a close adoption. It's sad to see it because I have seen a friend- she isn't crazy, she isn't "wanting to take the baby back." She just wants to see her daughter who lives a few states away. And the day that she was going to see them because her sister also placed a baby for adoption it'd be the first time they met. They decided to back out. I don't know the reasoning but my friend was legitimately upset. It does hurt. To see the promises that you made be BROKEN right before your eyes. Just because some adoptive parents see it as- we have a baby, we ARE their parents and that's all they want to see their baby as. They don't want to share. And you know, it sucks because I don't have a logical reason for this and that sometimes life isn't fair. SOME adoptive parents are crazy but MOST aren't. It sucks. It's something we can't change (maybe the agency will find some way over time- like we have said. It's not all set in stone. It's an ever changing thinig). It is better to find out when you're pregnant to know the level of openness you want and if the family is being legit
But an open adoption IS NOT legally bound because it is borderline joint custody. If we wanted to battle with court about who got to see the baby when. I think that we would've just wanted to get in that mess with single parenting. That's the thing. Adoption shows you that it doesn't always have to be messy. Some girls don't want to put their babies through all of that. And I'm so grateful that I didn't. I think that's where COMMUNICATION comes in with open adoption. That is why you don't have to talk through an agency to contact your PAP so everything is sugarcoated and lovey-dovey. Or you don't have to ask your caseworker if it's okay you set up a meeting with them. It can be you go out to eat somewhere. Play games at each other's homes. Those are the times that you are getting to know them as a couple. If they are the right family for your baby. You can talk about parenting. You can talk about what will happen after placement. What you want, what the parents want. You can come to an AGREEMENT what will happen. It's not that you sign papers and you're like, "Oh crap, what did I just do?" Which sounds like what your reaction sort of was. I heard from someone that yeah, adult adoptees CAN feel abandoned and left behind. But that's what THEY chose. YOU can CHOOSE how you take the situation. You can have reserved hard feelings or you can learn to embrace the fact you've been adopted. I think the adult adoptees you talk to are the ones who deal with what it's called, "You are what people tell you are." I'm sure they've grown up heard, "Your parents didn't love you that's why they gave you up." "Your parents didn't give you up because they love you, it's because they wanted nothing to do with you." Everyone will say something according to the situation, negative or positive but because adoption was so closed doors. No one REALLY knew what the crap was going on. Was it true? Did no one love me? The answer is NO. You can find out for yourself if you want. Clearly, you know. So why don't YOU let THEM know? I know I've been called many names or been told many negative things because of my adoption experience. "Oh, you'll see that you'll regret it someday." How could I regret ANYTHING? I CHOSE IT. I can only put the blame on myself for what I chose for my daughter. I don't regret giving her a two parent home. I don't regret putting her in a stable family. I don't regret giving her a brother. I don't regret helping them become an eternal family. I don't regret how happy she is now. Yeah, she's almost 15 months old. She doesn't know but EVERYONE sees it. If one thing I hear is how happy she looks and what happy baby she is. Do I know if she would've been happy with me? No. I don't. Would I want to take the chance to be selfish and see that? No. I was giving someone something that they coudn't give themselves.
I know we talked about the voices and that they're two. But there is a third voice that is often also ignored and not listened to. It's our Heavenly Father. Imagine a triangle. In the left bottom side is logic. The right bottom side is emotional. The top of the triangle is spiritual. We need all three compenents to make this decision. We can figure out the logic. We can figure out what needs to happen to be a signle parent. We can figure out what we want in a family. The emotional. What our body feels. What our instinct feels. It could be totally different that our logic and it can conflict with our spiritual. We need to go to our spiritual side because it is OUR creator. Who CREATED us. Who made this all possible. He needs to help us with this decision as well.
"I do not mean to say that infertile couples are mean or abusive. I absolutely know they are not. I do know they just want a child of their own. Most couples would be just as happy to have a child of their own naturally without adoption. Adoption is about the child and not the adoptive parents. But if adoption is about the child and there is only 1 infant child for every 30 to 40 couples trying to adopt why aren’t the same couples looking into teenage/older child adoption through foster care?
Don’t those kids deserve a home just as much as a cute cuddly newborn? Is it because you can see the loss and sadness that foster kids have, where as all newborns cry the same. You don’t see the loss in newborns eyes. Everyone takes it as “your” child because you adopted the child as a newborn not an older child. Yes adoption has changed so much in the last 18 years."
So you're saying that PAP shouldn't receive the blessings a child brings to their family? I feel as though you ARE saying that they're all mean, abusive, manipulative and coercive. Have you ever taken into consideration what it might be like if YOU were infertile? If YOU had to take that path of adoption to bring a child into your family, and that's the ONLY way you can do that? I know many couples who would be grateful to take on the responsibilty of many children in their home and care for them in foster care. But have YOU done foster care? One of my therapists actually went through the foster car process. They were able to adopt two boys through foster care but that is a TOUGH thing to do. It's a lot harder than domestic adoptions. They also did try to adopt a little girl once. And I don't remember all of the details but I just remember him telling me how hard it was to get over that. Because that little girl lived in your home and you took care of them and you loved them and you wanted them all in your home. But there is so much you can only do in a foster care system. I know there is a lot more details to go through with foster care that I am not familiar with. But to think of it, it's like a tease. It's like, I have all these children in my home but then they might have to go to another foster care home. How difficult that would be to say goodbye to the children that you cared for and loved as your own.
But going along with adopting through foster care, wouldn't you want to experience EVERYTING that comes with being a parent. Like raising a child since birth. Wouldn't you want to experience being up l ate with a newborn baby? As much as we want our baby, we share that want and desire with them. Maybe not exactly "our baby." But a baby, is it such a CRIME to want a child? To have that instinct to be a parent and then come to find out you can't have that? I think that would break me to my core but it's the people that have broken, that have become strong, to fight through it, to have that blessing become a part of their lives. With infertile couples, it's like their is a big hole. It's huge, gaping, bleeding. And sometimes the bleeding will stop or the hole will get smaller once a baby joins their family. But it never fully goes away. It will always be there the want to have a biological child of their own. As much as we hurt. They hurt.
Do you know how many older foster kids come with numerous problems? I know this, because I know a few people that have taken in foster kids and eventually adopted them. Are you seriously saying that you think Adoptive parents should only adopt older kids and deal with the many issues pertaining? I KNOW for a fact that these foster kids will come with issues. I can guarantee that an infertile couple just wants what everyone else has. How do you know they don't adopt foster kids in the future? Or even before they adopt a baby?
My husband wasn't adopted through foster care or anything like that. He was raised by a single parent. His mom did eventually marry after two years. They have divorced since then and I know that his younger brother has come with a lot of abandonment issues from his dad leaving. So think of a child who had to deal with that, had to deal with abuse- see it or feel it, had drugs in their own- seen it or forced to take it. Then to come in a white picket fenced home. They want to feel loved and be loved but there is so much hate that they put up the wall of being hurt and act out. I'm sure people have said to them, "No one will want to adopt you because of your past." I'm sure it's happened.
Also a year ago, my husband found out about his biological father. He grew up knowing dad by the one who RAISED him. Just because you found out about his biological father doesn't mean he's going to out to find him. He knows if his bio dad didn't stick around in the first place, why would he want a 22 year old son lurking around his life now? I'm sure he's changed. We know very little information about him. I've tried talking into getting a picture or possibly an e-mail to redeem himself but that's on my husband, not me.
You're judging, when you don't know anything about it or put an open mind to it. Like you've done with everything pertaining to adoption. So YES, Adoption HAS changed a lot in the last 18 years.
You just need to open your closed mind to see these changes.
Bring on the hate mail. I'm waiting for it.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Hungry.
I'm posting this as cautiously as possible. Hoping that I won't hurt anybody's feelings. This is mostly directed to birthmoms because I REALLY feel like I'm the only one that has felt this way and it's driving me insane.
Babies.
Babies.
That is my subject. Being pregnant again. Being a mom again. Whatever it is. Every other girl that I know is either pregnant or has recently had a child within the past 6 or so months. I know it's only been a year for me so I shoudn't complain. But I never have had the urge to want a baby so badly in my life.
Apparently, I've been told it's something in the water... Well, I'm not drinking the same DANG water! Haha. Not that I could right now anyway.
I always thought of it as a sign that maybe I'm supposed to have a baby. I was SO torn up about it last Sunday that it brought me to tears. I didn't understand why I was given this huge desire to have a baby but I can't have one right now. What's with the tease? I know I could if I wanted to take out my IUD. I also know babies are a huge responsibility. I'm not blind about it. I don't know if it's just the thought that I'm craving to hold that little newborn in my arms again? That maybe I just can't wait? Now that I'm married I can raise a baby? I don't know. Maybe someone could help me out with it.
Along with this. I also had another break down about it like two days before. Yeah. I'm not proud to say that I've cried more than once over about this. That's why I'm just wondering if I'm just going insane. But I realized that even though I have prayed about it. I never really prayed with T to pray about it, as a couple.
We both knelt down in prayer. I told him that maybe he should say it because I woud probably fall apart at the seams. He told me it's okay if I did and that I should say it. I remember asking and then I got this really calm, comfortable feeling. The answer actually struck me during the prayer and I said it in my prayer. I said something like, "Please, guide us as we're preparing to go into thy Holy house to be sealed as a couple like Thou has asked us."
I know that someday Tayler and I will build an ETERNAL family. I know God is looking out for us and knows our desires and what we need right now. And in my prayer, I know he answered by telling me that I didn't need to focus on having a baby. That's not what He's asking of us. He's asking of us to be sealed in the Temple. That's our main focus and should be. I guess I've just been caught up in who's having a baby or getting pregnant and wish I was one of those girls. I probably complained all the time while I was pregnant that I was huge, tired, ugly, sick, whatever. But I look back at it and I had a REALLY easy pregnancy. I didn't get super huge. But that wasn't what was the big picture. I wasn't going to be pregnant forever. And the little kicks reminded me of the sweet spirit about to welcomed into this world and placed in MY arms.
I miss those moments. I miss that constant companion. I know that I should probably just enjoy right now being a newlywed. Once I have babies, that's an 18+ years of obligation. But you know, I might complain about the wait and say how much I hate it. I know that once it's here, I will completely (hopefully) enjoy every minute with my little stinkers. :)
Check out my formspring. It's been awhile. Ask me something! Anything :) It can be anonymous. But I won't post meany/offensive questions. :(
Check out my formspring. It's been awhile. Ask me something! Anything :) It can be anonymous. But I won't post meany/offensive questions. :(
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
30. One Year Ago.
The time has finally come that it is indeed the last day of November and it's the end of National Adoption Month. My husband may be happy that I might actually get to sleep before 3 in the morning instead of furiously clicking the little buttons on the keyboard trying to finish and get a few hours of sleep before I have to work early in the morning. I may be happy so I feel like I have more of a social life ;) haha. But I loved every minute of it and showing you many great adoptive couples hoping to adopt. Many great birthmoms that I've had the privelege to meet. And as I am educating you or letting you be aware of adoption. I was educating myself. As some of you take on the challenge, I learned and have grown to love you. As I type, I learn from myself and it's just a great feeling. And I'm almost mostly glad it's over because I'm not a fan of writing a blog every single day. I just feel like I'm annoying the poo out of you guys.
If you aren't friends with me on Facebook. You now know that a year ago today is the day that me and Tayler became an official couple. Oh yes. Isn't it great? I will tell of our story when we met.
Just a month before I signed up for LDS Singles.com. I signed up for fun figuring that I wasn't going to find anything serious out of it and just wanted to go on some dates. I needed to get over a certain someone. And you know, my subscription was about to end and I was like, let's give this another shot. So I got home from Oregon in the beginning of November. I did the stupid personality tests to see who was my match. And he was right smack-dab-inthemiddle of the screen. If that's not a sign. I don't know what is. I thought his prof picture was pretty adorable. So you can see who viewed your profile and he noticed I viewed. So he sent me this gay/precious "flirt" and I just sent him a message and pretty much said, "Let's cut to the chase. You're hot. I'm hot. Let's meet up. Here's my number. Text me if you have the guts."
I was at work and I got a text from an Idaho number that said, "Oh. I have the guts." And so we texted for a good 5 days. Then I got sick of texting and called him. We talked for a few hours or so. Every single night. He worked until like one in the morning but I didn't care. Before we officially met I told him about Olivia. He tells me, in his mind, when I told him that he thought maybe we shouldn't date because I recenty had a child. But he had a feeling that we should keep talking. And BOY am I GLAD he did?!
We made a beautiful, spontaneous trip to Burley, Idaho. He was currently living in Boise going to school and working. And I was in Utah. On November 29, I drove out to Idaho and we met in the most romantic spot there. The Walmart parking lot. I got so nervous I locked my keys in my car. His mom later had to help me break into my car. We hugged and he practically fed me TO THE WOLVES. All of his family live in Idaho and so I got to meet his family on our first date and I got to meet some of his very best friends from high school.
After we rescued my car, I stayed in his grandparent's basement. We had to say a quick goodbye until tomorrow and so I went in for a hug and HE kissed ME! If you hear his story, he will always say that I kissed him. But I'd like to think of it is as a mutual meeting.
The next day, we were kind of chillaxing. Either watching The Proposal or Edward Scissorhands. And I stole his phone and got on his Facebook and wrote on his status, "I have a hot girlfriend!" And he read it and he goes, "I guess I do huh?" I said, "You guess?!" He said, "Well, I haven't even asked you to be my girlfriend!" I said, "Yeah. You were thinking it though." He said, "Yeah. Probably. So, will you be..." Me: YES!!! :)
And it only goes uphill? downhill? from here. I don't know what the saying is. I would think downhill because it's more fun to roll down then hike uphill. Who knows. Whatever it is. IT'S AMAZING. And I love him.
Even now, she won't run to me. She'll run to him and let him pick her up. It's super cute. I knew I couldn't just marry anybody and that Olivia had to approve. And I believe she does.
I'm loving you forever, T.
Forever & Always,
Your S.
If you aren't friends with me on Facebook. You now know that a year ago today is the day that me and Tayler became an official couple. Oh yes. Isn't it great? I will tell of our story when we met.
Just a month before I signed up for LDS Singles.com. I signed up for fun figuring that I wasn't going to find anything serious out of it and just wanted to go on some dates. I needed to get over a certain someone. And you know, my subscription was about to end and I was like, let's give this another shot. So I got home from Oregon in the beginning of November. I did the stupid personality tests to see who was my match. And he was right smack-dab-inthemiddle of the screen. If that's not a sign. I don't know what is. I thought his prof picture was pretty adorable. So you can see who viewed your profile and he noticed I viewed. So he sent me this gay/precious "flirt" and I just sent him a message and pretty much said, "Let's cut to the chase. You're hot. I'm hot. Let's meet up. Here's my number. Text me if you have the guts."
I was at work and I got a text from an Idaho number that said, "Oh. I have the guts." And so we texted for a good 5 days. Then I got sick of texting and called him. We talked for a few hours or so. Every single night. He worked until like one in the morning but I didn't care. Before we officially met I told him about Olivia. He tells me, in his mind, when I told him that he thought maybe we shouldn't date because I recenty had a child. But he had a feeling that we should keep talking. And BOY am I GLAD he did?!
We made a beautiful, spontaneous trip to Burley, Idaho. He was currently living in Boise going to school and working. And I was in Utah. On November 29, I drove out to Idaho and we met in the most romantic spot there. The Walmart parking lot. I got so nervous I locked my keys in my car. His mom later had to help me break into my car. We hugged and he practically fed me TO THE WOLVES. All of his family live in Idaho and so I got to meet his family on our first date and I got to meet some of his very best friends from high school.
After we rescued my car, I stayed in his grandparent's basement. We had to say a quick goodbye until tomorrow and so I went in for a hug and HE kissed ME! If you hear his story, he will always say that I kissed him. But I'd like to think of it is as a mutual meeting.
The next day, we were kind of chillaxing. Either watching The Proposal or Edward Scissorhands. And I stole his phone and got on his Facebook and wrote on his status, "I have a hot girlfriend!" And he read it and he goes, "I guess I do huh?" I said, "You guess?!" He said, "Well, I haven't even asked you to be my girlfriend!" I said, "Yeah. You were thinking it though." He said, "Yeah. Probably. So, will you be..." Me: YES!!! :)
And it only goes uphill? downhill? from here. I don't know what the saying is. I would think downhill because it's more fun to roll down then hike uphill. Who knows. Whatever it is. IT'S AMAZING. And I love him.
Dating:
En-gagged:
Groomals whilest engaged:
MARRIEDS:
Tayler is a wonderful man. He takes such good care of me. I know when I have my bad days or I miss Olivia. He won't let me just go off into a corner and grieve by myself (which I really prefer to do). He wants me to talk it all out and just let it out. Possibly so he wouldn't have to deal with it later. Haha. But I think that has helped me emotionally. Because I used to be like, "All right. I will cry for an hour and be done." And possibly do it like once or twice a week. Now it's like, I can cry for 3 hours once or twice a month (or depending on the anniversary/holiday coming up). And he'd still be there trying to coax me and hold me and just listen. He doesn't have to give me words of advice. He just has to listen. I give him permission to doze off as I talk because I know I'm quite boring, crying over the same thing a lot. But he doesn't care.
He also answered some questions for me a while back and I posted it earlier this month. He's willing to help me out with anything. When I was sick, he made a bubble bath for me and let me just listen to T-Swift's new album while he cleaned the kitchen and living room. I don't know about you but I think that's being treated like royalty, right there. :) I know he was quite nervous to meet Olivia in January and she loved him so much, he got her to go to sleep on his chest.
In the past year, Tayler and I may have had our ups and downs. But that has never stopped us from loving each other. No matter how far the distance. We were always there for each other. You showed me how to love completely, fearlessly. I put my guard down and I fell and you caught me. The one and only one who did. You amaze me to no end and continue to everyday. I coudn't ask for a better best friend and husband. Thank you for always being there. And I'm always here for you! I don't think anyone has ever given me as many flowers, hugs, kisses and shown me as much love as you have. I don't know how I ever became this lucky. But I'm so lucky to have you for the rest of my life!
We will be sealed on our one year anniversary. Which happens to be in 298 days. In 9ish months, eternity starts with you. I'm so stoked for the day to walk into the Temple with my husband and walk out as eternal companions. :)
I'm loving you forever, T.
Forever & Always,
Your S.
Monday, November 29, 2010
29. Guest Blogger: "Ruth" (Birthmom)
So a birthmom friend of mine that I went to group with me asked if she could be a guest blogger. I don't turn anyone down ever. So I said OF COURSE! I've known "Ruth" since she and I were both pregnant. She placed about a month after me. And I love her to death. We both have a pretty good case of insomnia and we will stay up on Facebook and chat for just hours. It's fantastic. This is her story. I think it's interesting because she talks about her couple adopting another baby. I have yet to enter that stage so it has opened my eyes a little bit more for that time. Enjoy. :)
My name is "Ruth." I am twenty years old and I placed my first child, “Bear”, for adoption in November 2009.
During my pregnancy I had a crazy, but common, notion that adoption would be the end of me. I disquietedly anticipated giving birth, seeing a beautiful baby boy disappear from my life and seeing all my purpose and possible happiness vanish with him. I concocted a miserable mental image of what I’d be like post placement- Apathetic, absent minded, and pretty much like a zombie. (Dramatic, I know.)
Now, I knew adoption was the best option for Bear, but I felt like I was losing everything. Before I even saw Bear I loved him tremendously. I wish I could describe the desire I had to be his mother. I missed him months before the adoption even took place. There were times were I felt like I was going to be pregnant forever. Depending on the day I would either cry because I wanted it to be over or I’d cry because I knew I wasn’t going to be pregnant forever and I didn’t want to let him go. Time has such a perverse sense of humor. Anyway, I wanted Bear to get a good start in life- one with two loving parents, righteous guiding principles, financial stability, and order. At that time in my life I couldn’t offer him any of that. I couldn’t even guarantee that he’d always have food or clean diapers. Contrary to popular belief you don’t just need love. For me that was the hardest part about choosing adoption because I had to admit to myself that I couldn’t provide for my son and others were more qualified to raise him. It was embarrassing, shameful, and heartbreaking, but somehow (I believe it was the grace of God) finding my couple changed all of that.
There is a term we use in the adoption world when describing the moment you find your couple; magical. I was incredibly emotional when I found my couple. I will refer to them as Mr. and Mrs. Justice. I knew right away that they were the ones. It’s an amazing experience to feel that sure and without a doubt that something is right. I wanted to tell them that day that I wanted them to be the father and mother of the child I was carrying, but due to protocol I had to meet them first. Finding them lifted a great burden off my chest. I was calm, I felt peace, and I felt strong. I still felt a great amount of grief; the adoption process was still excruciatingly arduous, but it was simultaneously made easier. It was magical.
Mr. & Mrs. Justice <3 
I was best friends with Mr. & Mrs. Justice. It was like we were family. What am I saying? We are family. I didn’t know I could feel connected or love some random magical couple that much so suddenly. If I hadn’t found them, I never would have placed for adoption. I don’t think anyone else could have measured up. I don’t think I would have been able to trust anyone else with my child.
The adoption came and went with surprising ease. I had my moments, but my hardest days were because I felt guilty that I wasn’t a mess and that I didn’t miss him as much as I thought I would or should. I cried a lot more thinking about other birthmoms in their pain and wondering why I wasn’t experiencing the same thing than about the child I placed. It made me feel awful. I thought I was the only birthmom struggling with that. I thought I was weird. Hopefully I’m not alone. Luckily, I was always able to find comfort by looking at their family photos.

Their photos reassured me of the reasons I placed for adoption and reminded me that I had a second chance at getting my life back on track which is exactly what I did.
After the adoption I jumped right back into school and I’m currently working on my associates in business and bachelors in economics. I also started dating my missionary from four years ago and best friend of today. We got married in May of 2010 and I can’t even begin to express my joy and excitement over it! It makes me smile to the point where my cheeks hurt. I love it! I know every woman says it, but I have the greatest husband and I couldn’t be any happier.
After Bear was sealed to Mr. & Mrs. Justice, about eight months after the adoption, I was contacted by my case worker. Lady Love, my case worker, asked me if I would be okay with Mr. & Mrs. Justice adopting another baby. She explained that there was another girl in my similar situation and that she had found my couple somehow and wanted to place with them. She let me know that they normally don’t let couples adopt again so early, but because of the situation the girl was in they were willing to permit it. What was my first reaction? “Yes! Give them all the babies they want!” My second reaction was to tell my case worker that Mr. & Mrs. Justice didn’t need my permission to expand their family, but I appreciated their thoughtfulness.
Honestly, when I found out they were possibly going to get another child I was ecstatic. I loved them and I wanted them to receive all the children I thought they deserved. I was joking with my mom that I bet they were going to end up having eight kids because they’re one of the only Native families in the adoption records and both babies, Bear and future sibling, have Native blood as well. (Native adoptions are a little different and one of the requirements is that the babies need to be placed with other Native families.) Never once did I feel sad, jealous, or anger; at least, not until Bear’s first birthday.
I was nervous about seeing Bear because I hadn’t seen him in several months of held him since he was two weeks old. I wasn’t quite sure how I’d react. I was, however, really looking forward to meeting the birthmom of Bear’s future little brother- She’s a beautiful girl with a big smile, warm laugh, and charming family. I loved watching her play with Bear and talk to me about how much she loved him and the Justice family. You would have never guessed that she was struggling in any way; wonderful, wonderful spirit.
Mr. & Mrs. Justice made me a gift that we all watched together. It was a touching film covering Bear’s first year of life. I bawled the moment they turned it on, but I part of what was so hard was watching Lady Grace, soon to be birthmom, try not to cry while watching it. I said that I never felt any sadness, jealousy, or anger about the baby news for the Justice’s, but I was overwhelmed with pain for her. I hated watching her hold back her tears. I hated listening to her sniffle. I hated seeing her try to blink quickly to avoid a tear escaping. I had already experienced adoption. I had already experienced all of the trials associated with adoption. I was at a point where I loved Bear, but not as a son. I loved him as a close cousin or something. I didn’t see me in him anymore. He looked just like the Justice’s boy. I was at their house enjoying their son’s birthday party, but Lady Grace was in the middle of her adoption process and still is. The pain and worry I could see in her face was agonizing. I wanted to hold her and cry. I was angry, too. I was angry that she had to experience what I, and all the other birthmoms, have had to endure. I felt guilty for being so happy for Mr. & Mrs. Justice. It was bizarre looking in on adoption from the other side. It was gut-wrenching. What made matters worse is that nobody said anything to her about it. No words of comfort were provided for her. People hugged me because I was crying, but the movie made me cry because it was beautiful and their family is beautiful. I didn’t want to make things awkward for her so I didn’t bring it up, but for the rest of the day I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Her due date is coming up in a couple months and all I can do is pray for her. I wish I knew how to be there for her. You’d think I’d know having been in her shoes only a year ago, but I don’t. Thinking about her is the hardest thing for me right now. It’s almost like experiencing it all over again.
I will always love and appreciate the Justice’s. I will always love Bear. I couldn’t be any happier for the Justice’s and the children they’ve been entrusted with. I will never forget watching that movie and seeing the sorrow in Lady Grace’s face. Adoption is bitter sweet- I will never forget its pain or its beauty. I will always remember the blessings I’ve seen come to pass because of adoption and I will always support it.
My name is "Ruth." I am twenty years old and I placed my first child, “Bear”, for adoption in November 2009.
34 weeks
Now, I knew adoption was the best option for Bear, but I felt like I was losing everything. Before I even saw Bear I loved him tremendously. I wish I could describe the desire I had to be his mother. I missed him months before the adoption even took place. There were times were I felt like I was going to be pregnant forever. Depending on the day I would either cry because I wanted it to be over or I’d cry because I knew I wasn’t going to be pregnant forever and I didn’t want to let him go. Time has such a perverse sense of humor. Anyway, I wanted Bear to get a good start in life- one with two loving parents, righteous guiding principles, financial stability, and order. At that time in my life I couldn’t offer him any of that. I couldn’t even guarantee that he’d always have food or clean diapers. Contrary to popular belief you don’t just need love. For me that was the hardest part about choosing adoption because I had to admit to myself that I couldn’t provide for my son and others were more qualified to raise him. It was embarrassing, shameful, and heartbreaking, but somehow (I believe it was the grace of God) finding my couple changed all of that.
There is a term we use in the adoption world when describing the moment you find your couple; magical. I was incredibly emotional when I found my couple. I will refer to them as Mr. and Mrs. Justice. I knew right away that they were the ones. It’s an amazing experience to feel that sure and without a doubt that something is right. I wanted to tell them that day that I wanted them to be the father and mother of the child I was carrying, but due to protocol I had to meet them first. Finding them lifted a great burden off my chest. I was calm, I felt peace, and I felt strong. I still felt a great amount of grief; the adoption process was still excruciatingly arduous, but it was simultaneously made easier. It was magical.
Mr. & Mrs. Justice <3 
I was best friends with Mr. & Mrs. Justice. It was like we were family. What am I saying? We are family. I didn’t know I could feel connected or love some random magical couple that much so suddenly. If I hadn’t found them, I never would have placed for adoption. I don’t think anyone else could have measured up. I don’t think I would have been able to trust anyone else with my child.
The adoption came and went with surprising ease. I had my moments, but my hardest days were because I felt guilty that I wasn’t a mess and that I didn’t miss him as much as I thought I would or should. I cried a lot more thinking about other birthmoms in their pain and wondering why I wasn’t experiencing the same thing than about the child I placed. It made me feel awful. I thought I was the only birthmom struggling with that. I thought I was weird. Hopefully I’m not alone. Luckily, I was always able to find comfort by looking at their family photos.

After the adoption I jumped right back into school and I’m currently working on my associates in business and bachelors in economics. I also started dating my missionary from four years ago and best friend of today. We got married in May of 2010 and I can’t even begin to express my joy and excitement over it! It makes me smile to the point where my cheeks hurt. I love it! I know every woman says it, but I have the greatest husband and I couldn’t be any happier.
After Bear was sealed to Mr. & Mrs. Justice, about eight months after the adoption, I was contacted by my case worker. Lady Love, my case worker, asked me if I would be okay with Mr. & Mrs. Justice adopting another baby. She explained that there was another girl in my similar situation and that she had found my couple somehow and wanted to place with them. She let me know that they normally don’t let couples adopt again so early, but because of the situation the girl was in they were willing to permit it. What was my first reaction? “Yes! Give them all the babies they want!” My second reaction was to tell my case worker that Mr. & Mrs. Justice didn’t need my permission to expand their family, but I appreciated their thoughtfulness.
Honestly, when I found out they were possibly going to get another child I was ecstatic. I loved them and I wanted them to receive all the children I thought they deserved. I was joking with my mom that I bet they were going to end up having eight kids because they’re one of the only Native families in the adoption records and both babies, Bear and future sibling, have Native blood as well. (Native adoptions are a little different and one of the requirements is that the babies need to be placed with other Native families.) Never once did I feel sad, jealous, or anger; at least, not until Bear’s first birthday.
Mr. & Mrs. Justice made me a gift that we all watched together. It was a touching film covering Bear’s first year of life. I bawled the moment they turned it on, but I part of what was so hard was watching Lady Grace, soon to be birthmom, try not to cry while watching it. I said that I never felt any sadness, jealousy, or anger about the baby news for the Justice’s, but I was overwhelmed with pain for her. I hated watching her hold back her tears. I hated listening to her sniffle. I hated seeing her try to blink quickly to avoid a tear escaping. I had already experienced adoption. I had already experienced all of the trials associated with adoption. I was at a point where I loved Bear, but not as a son. I loved him as a close cousin or something. I didn’t see me in him anymore. He looked just like the Justice’s boy. I was at their house enjoying their son’s birthday party, but Lady Grace was in the middle of her adoption process and still is. The pain and worry I could see in her face was agonizing. I wanted to hold her and cry. I was angry, too. I was angry that she had to experience what I, and all the other birthmoms, have had to endure. I felt guilty for being so happy for Mr. & Mrs. Justice. It was bizarre looking in on adoption from the other side. It was gut-wrenching. What made matters worse is that nobody said anything to her about it. No words of comfort were provided for her. People hugged me because I was crying, but the movie made me cry because it was beautiful and their family is beautiful. I didn’t want to make things awkward for her so I didn’t bring it up, but for the rest of the day I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Her due date is coming up in a couple months and all I can do is pray for her. I wish I knew how to be there for her. You’d think I’d know having been in her shoes only a year ago, but I don’t. Thinking about her is the hardest thing for me right now. It’s almost like experiencing it all over again.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
28. My Adoption Video
Andee made this video for me as a gift after I placed. And I love it. I've used it before with my high school presentations and the high school kids think it's rad. :) Andee posted it on Adoption Voices. So that's where I got it. And I have it on my Facebook. I remember watching it and just crying, not that it was just right after placement, but I remember thinking I couldn't believe that I went through this entire journey for her. I'm so grateful for it. (And yes, I know the second song has negative adoption language. But it's a great song from adoptee to a birthmom. I watched it the day before I announced to Dustinn and Val that they were parents. It has a very special meaning to me.)
Find more videos like this on Adoption Voices
P.S. MY UTES STOMPED BYU! :)
Find more videos like this on Adoption Voices
P.S. MY UTES STOMPED BYU! :)
I know Jessica is celebrating with me, I miss you lots today girl.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
27. Adoption Advocate
Baha. My mom texted me an idea to post what things I've done to advocate adoption.
I think number one is this blog. In the beginning, I sort of just used this blog as a journal. To let out my feelings. I never imagined that so many people would read it each day (which is approx 400 pageviews a day)/weeks/months (approx. 11,000 pageviews last month). I know it's creepy that I know that... nah. I just looked at my stats on here. I just barely discovered it yesterday while I was trying to figure out how to change my comment thing. I know, I'm so rad. Baha. The comment change was not my idea. I stole it from someone else. Yes. I know. I'm unoriginal. But at least I'll give the credit.
I've also been a guestblogger on numerous blogs. You can check out the links on the side. Or here.
Stefanie's Story
Adoptive Mom and Birth Mom Q&A
If I Could Change My Adoption Experience
I have loved going to expectant parent groups/adoption chat nights. I don't think some girls realize it but you're advocating adoption when you go to the expectant parent groups. You may not tell your story everyday. But those girls who haven't been there and are about to experience- look at you like you're the top dog. I know everyday that I'm still learning. But those girls need our help more than anything. And I know the adoptive families enjoy having birthmom's there (I think it's precious that y'all think of us as celebs. It makes me blush. Baha). They kind of have an insight of how we feel about things. I know I've been asked before to look at other adoptive families profiles before and add my input and if they should change anything.
I used to be apart of the blog called, "The Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants." I stopped because it seemed like that I wasn't getting any credit for it and that it was only one person's blog. Even though we started it together. And this person never corrected that it was OUR blog, not just hers. Hm. Funny how things end like that.
I have been apart of panels either at expectant parent groups, adoptive families trainings, and high schools. I love high schools. I have been to 3 different high schools in the past year. I have done about 9 total panels. I think I love high schools the most because I feel like if I can tell my story to a class of about 30. I know one person is listening. And I know that they'll be able to take their babies home because of my story. Or maybe if they do find themselves in that situation or a friend. They can remember their class and all the options. And the feedback is incredible. I feel embarrassed when people clap for me at the end of the class. I know I did something great for someone else but I don't think I'm a great person. I guess there's my insecurity. Haha. I guess I'm more humble than embarrassed about it.
I really want to get out more and do more stuff but sometimes I have to work and I can't make it. I went to the adoption conference while I was pregnant. (I didn't go this year because I saw my Aunt that lives in Texas and she was in Idaho doing education week and she wasn't going to make it out to my wedding but I plan on being there this coming year!)
I also sport some adoption T's. I have two to be exact- The first picture and the adoption awareness walk picture :) And in my little apartment. I am planning on getting some shelving and putting up a bunch of Olivia stuff on it. I have her little dress that Dustinn and Val sent to me on my birthday this year. I bought it for her for our profesh pictures when she was two weeks old.
I think number one is this blog. In the beginning, I sort of just used this blog as a journal. To let out my feelings. I never imagined that so many people would read it each day (which is approx 400 pageviews a day)/weeks/months (approx. 11,000 pageviews last month). I know it's creepy that I know that... nah. I just looked at my stats on here. I just barely discovered it yesterday while I was trying to figure out how to change my comment thing. I know, I'm so rad. Baha. The comment change was not my idea. I stole it from someone else. Yes. I know. I'm unoriginal. But at least I'll give the credit.
I've also been a guestblogger on numerous blogs. You can check out the links on the side. Or here.
Stefanie's Story
Adoptive Mom and Birth Mom Q&A
If I Could Change My Adoption Experience
I have loved going to expectant parent groups/adoption chat nights. I don't think some girls realize it but you're advocating adoption when you go to the expectant parent groups. You may not tell your story everyday. But those girls who haven't been there and are about to experience- look at you like you're the top dog. I know everyday that I'm still learning. But those girls need our help more than anything. And I know the adoptive families enjoy having birthmom's there (I think it's precious that y'all think of us as celebs. It makes me blush. Baha). They kind of have an insight of how we feel about things. I know I've been asked before to look at other adoptive families profiles before and add my input and if they should change anything.
I used to be apart of the blog called, "The Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants." I stopped because it seemed like that I wasn't getting any credit for it and that it was only one person's blog. Even though we started it together. And this person never corrected that it was OUR blog, not just hers. Hm. Funny how things end like that.
I have been apart of panels either at expectant parent groups, adoptive families trainings, and high schools. I love high schools. I have been to 3 different high schools in the past year. I have done about 9 total panels. I think I love high schools the most because I feel like if I can tell my story to a class of about 30. I know one person is listening. And I know that they'll be able to take their babies home because of my story. Or maybe if they do find themselves in that situation or a friend. They can remember their class and all the options. And the feedback is incredible. I feel embarrassed when people clap for me at the end of the class. I know I did something great for someone else but I don't think I'm a great person. I guess there's my insecurity. Haha. I guess I'm more humble than embarrassed about it.
I really want to get out more and do more stuff but sometimes I have to work and I can't make it. I went to the adoption conference while I was pregnant. (I didn't go this year because I saw my Aunt that lives in Texas and she was in Idaho doing education week and she wasn't going to make it out to my wedding but I plan on being there this coming year!)
Probably the hottest picture you'll ever see of me and Andee on this side of the interweb.
Yes, we're matching. No, we didn't plan it.
I just realized that our first picture together was when I was pregnant. The last picture of us taken, SHE'S pregnant. Baha. Yesss.
My mom and I went to the adoption awareness walk this year that was on Birthmother's day. And it was also exactly a year when I announced to Dustinn and Valery that they were going to be parents. Yeah. A special day, indeed.
I knew this picture would come in handy when I wanted to creep Lindsey out.
Oh yes, we've already met.
That's why I advocate adoption. I love to do it. :) I seriously might consider making a career out of this! haha! That's how much I love! I feel that being an advocate or educating people about adoption. It connects me a little bit more to Olivia. Because I couldn't have made an adoption plan without her. I wouldn't have met so many great people without going through all of this. She is the reason why I advocate for adoption.
Friday, November 26, 2010
26. Birthmomma Drama
Reblogged from August.
Here's been today's topic. In your opinion, in the above picture, who is Olivia's mom?
Am I her mom because I gave her life? Is Val her mom because she is raising her? I don't consider myself a mom. I do believe I am a BIRTHmom. I am going to pull some bits and pieces of blogs that I have read today. 3 of them, exactly, all about being a mother.
One perspective of an adoptive mom, Mary.
Two perspectives of birthmoms, Birthmom Buds and Sterling.
When first reading the title, "Am I A Mother?" on Birthmom Buds. I really thought about it. I get it. I gave birth but is that some sort of rite of passage? I somehow now have the "ins" of being a good mom. Now, I can compete with other women who has had the longest and most horrible labors, who had to push for the longest and who had to get the most stitches. I don't think that's what a mother is ALL about. I think the whole experience of bringing a child into this world is what's important. It's a role that we have but not all of us get to have that role of bearing children.
"I looked up the definition of Mother
'The state of being a mother; the character or office of a mother.'
I found that definition extremely vague and unhelpful. Because I am currently not in the state of being a mother. I currently do not have a child. But I guess I could be the character of a mother..but that to me still doesn't seem right. Yes, I gave birth to one heck of a beautiful little girl (if I do say so myself :) and yes I am a character, but I am not her mother. I am a birthmother.
I looked up the definition of Birth Mother
'The biological mother of a child; a person's mother related biologically rather than by adoption'
Well this could be a lot of people then. My mom would be a birthmother and she didn't place for adoption, so could my aunts, my neighbors and friends.
So all of this searching did not lead me to any answer. In fact it has frustrated me quite a bit. So I want to know.... What is your opinion.
Are birthmothers : Mothers, Birthmothers, or just girls who placed their baby for adoption."
For me, personally. Birthmothers aren't JUST the girls who place their babies for adoption. But I don't call my mom, birthmom. But she gave birth to me, I still call her mom. I don't call my neighbor, birthmom (even though she could be one), she possibly gave birth but I still call them my neighbor or friend. I think the term birthmom, is almost directly towards the women who have placed their children for adoption. Because it is our identity. It is apart of who we are. At one point, it has defined us. In group, we talked about how adoption is part of our identity. It may be for a time a big part of our lives. And I have definitely seen in my own personal experience, that in time, I have just moved on. I still carry that identity with me everyday, but I don't make a t-shirt that says, "I'm a birthmom. Talk to me."
That's just my personal opinion on the matter.
On Mary's blog, this is what she has to say,
"Why I call my child's birthmother her birthmother:
Because she gave birth to her.
Seems simple enough, right? Apparently not.
Evidently there is a bit of controversy in the adoption world surrounding the nomenclature of women who give birth to children and place them for adoption. Perhaps I was too naive or idealistic before I adopted for thinking 'Why would something as beautiful as creating families through adoption be considered controversial?'
If you don't think adoption is full of controversy, you will quickly discover it certainly is once you've started the adoption process, adopted, or placed a child for adoption. Better yet, start publicly writing about your experiences and you will most assuredly receive immediate criticism for your viewpoints and experiences- whatever those happen to be."
...
"What is most disturbing to me is that much of the condemnation heaped upon birthmothers is from other birthmothers who have been in their exact situation and whom you would hope would thus be filled with a greater amount of understanding and compassion.
Take, for instance, Jill's thoughts on the matter in her recent postName Calling:
'One of the first things I noticed when I encountered adoption meanies on the interwebs was that many of the birth mom meanies consider the phrase "birth mom" to be the vilest of insults. One compared using it to using the N-word. And I thought, wow, really? Because I've never heard "birth mom" used as a put-down, a slam, an insult, a verbal weapon, or a dressing-down.'
'The meanies feel that calling a woman a birth mother is insulting, akin to referring to her as an incubator or a breeder. Again I think, really? The only names that would suggest to me that woman was an incubator or a breeder are ... well, incubator, and breeder.
The meanies would much rather be referred to as natural mothers, first mothers, or original mothers. All three of those make me a little uncomfortable. Because if I'm Roo's natural, first, original mother, what does that make Roo's mama? Unnatural? Second? Unoriginal - an impostor? Pshaw. I don't buy that for a second. Roo's mother is her real, natural, actual mother. I didn't place with a robot or a cardboard cutout.'
I've come to the conclusion that the birthmothers who are the most critical of adoption in general are those who placed their babies in an era where open adoptions weren't as prevalent as they are today and/or the agency they worked with used 'coercive tactics' (whatever that means) pressuring the prospective birthparent to place for adoption.
Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't the fact alone that a pregnant woman is consulting an adoption agency or looking at profiles of adoptive parents in the first place attest to the fact that she has thought out her options and is considering adoption? (Unless, of course, she has no free will in the matter and has been FORCED to place her child for adoption, a hypothetical and highly unethical situation). But whether the birthparent decides to place or parent their child IT IS THEIR CHOICE so can it really be considered coercive, manipulative or predatory for prospective adoptive parents to address the woman who is considering adoption as a "birthmother"? Is "prospective birthparent" better?
I've already shared my opinion: I Call My Child's Birthmother 'Birthmother' because she gave birth to her.
What are YOUR feelings on the matter? If you have placed your child for adoption do you find the terms 'birthfather' or 'birthmother' to be offensive?
If you are an adoptive parent , how do you refer to your child's biological parent(s)?
If you are adopted, what do you call the people who conceived you and gave you birth? "
I have already left my comment on there. And my opinion. I shared two sides of the story.
It was probably a few weeks after I placed. And you know, I was still getting used to transitioning from mom to birthmom. And I had posted pictures of Olivia on my facebook and I'm sure the captions were, "My beautiful 11 day old daughter" or "I love my daughter." An adoptee said to me, "I'm not sure if you should be calling her your daughter. She's not yours anymore."
You're right. I forgot I was supposed to lose all of my maternal instincts as soon as I dotted the i's on the signatures of my relinquishment papers. My bad. After a while and having to get used to that title and realizing that you know, Olivia isn't here with me everyday, I don't think I should be calling her my daughter. She doesn't call me mom. So she's my birthdaughter. Yes, all of my children will be considered my "birthchild." But I won't be calling them birthson or birthdaughter. They will be my son and daughter. And they'll be calling me mom, not birthmom. Does that make sense?
My second example. Oh Tayler. He might murder me. I had corrected him for calling me mom when he first met Olivia. In the beginning, he was always good about comforting me and being like, "you're still her mom." Something about that phrase almost rubs me the wrong way. I don't know. Probably because I have nothing to say after that. When Tayler met Olivia back in January, I think he kept saying, "Olivia is so cute- like her mom." "Of course, she's sweet, just like her mom." I'm not exactly sure what was said. I'm sort of paraphrasing. I felt uncomfortable because I didn't know how Val would react to that. After Val and Dustinn had left. I told Tayler not to call me mom because Val is Olivia's mom. I'm her BIRTHmom. I think that was the first time for me to recognize that as well.
Val has sent me e-mails before. She has reassured me that I will always be Olivia's mom. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing it. But sometimes, it makes me cringe.
I'm going to steal what birthMOM (Desha) wrote,
"While i was still pregnant i actually did have a problem with the word/label/name 'birthmom'. but not because of the 'birth' part. because of the 'mom' part. at the time, i felt like giving birth did not make me a 'mom', it made me a woman who had given birth. at the time i felt like what makes a mom are the things that come AFTER the birth, the sleepless nights, the bottles, the diapers, the bathing, the teaching, the nurturing, the sheltering, the protecting, etc. to me, THOSE were the things that make a woman a mom. not an act of simple biology. and i wasnt going to be doing those things, i wasnt going to be the 'mom' to this baby i was carrying.
i tried to come up with another word/label/name to call myself, the best was 'uterine storage vesicle', which was always only used with love and humor btwn me, my friends, and my family. (i always use humor and sarcasm is my middle name) i can totally understand how uterine storage vesicle would cause many to be offended and irate, but for me and my situation, it was hilariously perfect.
that label didnt stick however and i proudly entered the realm of 'birthmother' when i gave birth, and then took care of my son for 2 days and then did what any good mother would do- what i thought was the very best for my son.
then a couple of months later, at one of our post placement support group meetings, a bunch of us were talking about how i was almost literally to the day twice the age of one of the girls who was about to place. I was 28 at the time. my roommate, who was still pregnant and pursuing an adoption plan, said to me, 'you are like the mom of the birthmoms, taking care of all of us.' i started blogging right about then, so i chose my screen name to be birthMOM.
Now, i am proud to be a birthmother. and i always will be. i feel it sets me apart and above all the 'regular' mothers and i feel like it demands a sacred reverence to utter. but just like anything that has ever been sacred and/or reverent, it is a word/label/name that has been completely degraded, disrespected and forever tarnished. yin and yang, good and evil, hot and cold, up and down. there is always opposition, in everything. what matters, is what YOU choose to make of it."
I'm going to reiterate the part where she talks about what a mother is AFTER birth. My definition of mom, is somebody who reads you bedtime stories, who kisses your boo-boos better, who makes you crazy if you're out past curfew, who stays up with you when you have your first major heartbreak, etc. I'm not going to be that to Olivia. I can't be the one who helps her with her homework every night, who makes her after school snacks. I'm the woman in the background. What a girl said tonight in group is, "Everyone gets the joy from my pain." With my whole entire soul, I wish I could be that mom for Olivia. Instead, I'm going to be the one in the background of the pictures. Or what I like better is, I'm the one standing on the sidelines cheering her on.
I gave Olivia life. I gave her Val to be her mom. I gave Dustinn to be her dad. I gave Bradshaw to be her brother. I gave her a forever family. I sacrificed a whole heck of a lot to give her that. A little recognition would suffice. The title, "birthmom" is not degrading, insulting, or mocking. It shows courage, strength, and love.
"(S)He is mine in a way that (s)he will never be hers, yet (s)he is hers in a way that (s)he will never be mine........and so together, we are motherhood."
-Desha Wood
I love Sterling's blog as she reiterates the principles of the Gospel and what we believe in and I love what she said at the end.
"Birth is the science. Mother is the emotion. Birthmother is... love."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)