The Return

One reason that September is my favorite.

Besides the fact it's Olivia's birthday

and my soon to be wedding anniversaries...

...the return...

XOXO Gossip Girl
(Season 4 premiered today)

Hair.

This was right after I saw Olivia after they had her all cleaned up. And I LOVED her hair. My sister called it Clay Aiken hair. If you've seen 17 Again with Zac Efron. You'll understand.

She had dark roots with blonde tips. Like they pampered her in the nursery/salon.

I think lately, I miss baby Olivia. I think about this time last year. She was a baby. Not a one year old WALKING around. That's right. WALKING. It doesn't even seem like a whole year has gone by.

I'm nervous but excited for her first birthday. I don't know how I'll react. The night will probably be harder than I want it to be. I hope not. It's the day before my wedding. I know. I'm really good at planning this stuff.

Thursday, it was just a normal day. I was at group. I was good throughout the whole group. Nothing emotional. Nothing really made me want to cry. Right after group was the FSA adoption chat night. Where adoptive families come in because they are required to have certain hours? I think that's it. I'm probably totally wrong. A girl at group was saying how excited she was to see her daughter because her A-mom was going to be at the chat night.

I, sometimes, get jealous of girls like that. That I can't just call up Val everyday and be like, "Oh hey, can I stop by and see Olivia?" I picked that for myself because I knew I wanted Val to be the mom and not have me stop by and take over. That's my personal opinion.

She came in holding in her birthdaughter. I took one look at her hair. And I LOST it. Completely. I turned my head and covered my face with my hand and I said, "This is going to make me cry." And I bawled. I probably looked like a freak. But this baby's hair was just like Olivia's when she was born. It was mostly like a strawberry blonde but still messy and SO cute.

It sounds crazy but this baby's hair was a trigger for me. Is it almost a trigger because I dye my hair so much, I like to style my hair, I want to take care of my hair and make sure it looks good? I just put so much time and effort into it that I just care about my baby girl's hair? The baby Olivia that I miss? The crazy cute hair that I first saw? The hair that I couldn't help but run my fingers through?

I'm going to quote the part about while I was in the hospital and the day before placement in my blog,

"I remember that Nic was holding her and I was playing with her hair and I made the comment, "I love her hair." And it wasn't exactly that reality hit me that I wasn't going to be her mom. It was always in my mind. But I was hurting over it. I wanted to be her mom and I wanted to grow up with her and be able to wash her hair and braid it and play dress up with her. I then was freaking out because I remember girls from group telling their story about how much they were at peace with their decision with adoption. At the time, I was freaking out. I started bawling. I didn't understand the feelings I was having. It was almost second thoughts but at the time, I still knew adoption was what's best. I just almost didn't feel like I was at peace with my decision with adoption. I didn't think it was normal. All I could do was cry and think what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I be her mom? Why couldn't I be able to raise her? But I would think it over and remember why I was doing it and why I couldn't be her mom. It hurts more than anything to think about not being her parent. Nic kept

asking me what was wrong or what I was thinking about. I couldn't calm myself down enough to even answer him.

I choked out the words, "Her hair."
I couldn't say anything else more. He probably thought it was the weirdest answer but that's all I got."

Tayler arrived to Utah pretty late Thursday night. I was there until he showed up. Being the amazing almost wife that I am. I surprised him with chocolate chip cookies. :)

Okay, I kind of cheated and it was pre-made cookie dough. Ha. I just had to put them in the oven. I don't have all of the ingredients in the apartment to make anything so I just have a bunch of tv dinners and canned food. Haha!

awwww. how cute.

We watched a movie. In the middle of the movie, I thought about earlier that day. And I got off the couch and went into the bedroom where our lovesac is and I grabbed the what I call- "I miss Olivia bear." It's the bear that Dustinn and Val gave me at placement and the same one that they use to take pictures with Olivia each month. I used that bear after I got out of the hospital and wrapped the bear up in Olivia's hospital blankets.

I slept with it for MONTHS like that. I curled up in a ball and I cried. Tayler has heard me cry about Olivia before. Mostly, over the phone. It really freaked him out. Only because he hadn't heard me cry that hard over Olivia before, in person. I hadn't cried over Olivia like that in a long time. I snuggled with her bear so close to my face. I wanted it to be my baby. I wanted to hear her heartbeat. I wanted to hear/feel her breathing so close to me. I wanted to hear her little sighs. I cried because I didn't have that. I had that for two days.

Really, I didn't think the flashbacks of the hospital would come to this extreme. But it has. And I can't believe it. I wanted my little angel to hold and to love. After I told him I was crying about Olivia, he was wiping the tears from my eyes and then pulled my head into his chest and told me to cry and it's okay to miss her. Why does he have to be so amazing? I left after the movie, my bff lives around the corner from our apartment and I stayed there. Me and Tayler aren't living together until we're married.

You know, when I do get depressed. At group, something at group I do remember that makes me want to be happy. The same girl was talking about how she was told by her caseworker that if we hold onto the guilt and sadness and we don't make something of ourselves. Our child knows us as this sad, depressed, guilt-driven person because of the adoption that our child feels guilty that they made us that way. They possibly think (not being adopted child but putting myself in their shoes) that, "If my birthmom/birthdad didn't place me for adoption then they wouldn't be so depressed. If maybe I came when they were ready, they wouldn't feel so guilty." I don't want Olivia to think that way. I'm not going to put on a fake face though. I think it's okay to explain to them it was hard and it was a sacrifice but not so much glorify our sadness. At the adoption chat night, we were talking about doing school presentations, and I think we also need to apply it to our lives. Keep our adoption story positive.

If things were bad between you and your child's birthfather- I don't think it's good to paint this ugly, negative picture of him to your child. What if years down the road your birthchild wants to meet him and all she's heard is that he's a sperm donor, he's no good, that you want to murder him for what he did. Because of your birthfather, your child has life. And if you were able to go through with the adoption, I think it's something to be grateful for that the adoption went through. Even if that meant he was completely aware of the adoption, or that he didn't know (maybe for your child's safety), at least it happened.

A girl at group, she placed her son when he was 3 or 4 months old. She asked her baby's dad to sign papers to place their baby for adoption. He took a few months to finally decide to sign. We took a minute and recognized that even if the birthfather wasn't involved in the adoption- he still has feelings. I was completely oblivious to Nic's feelings because I was upset that I didn't get what I wanted. I won't lie. But I'm glad that I didn't get what I wanted. I don't know if my life could be good or bad. But I know Olivia is where she's supposed to be. I think Nic had to hurt me so I could go through with the adoption plan.

The point of her story- it showed to her that the father of her child did have a tough time with it. I think I always knew that Nic cared about Olivia. But I guess it didn't really show for me until a few days before I had her. But it has definitely given me a different perspective and a lot more respect for birthfathers.

Good news: Tayler got a job down here, really close to our apartment. He is starting to move down on Tuesday. We got our marriage license on Friday before we went to Idaho and went to a friends (one of his groomsmen) reception. Today, my parents drove up to little ol' Burley to meet Tayler's mom and grandparents. We also went over some details about the open house in Idaho. I'm just glad that I'm almost over and done with all of this. I'm ready to be married already! We went to Tayler's best man's son's birthday party. So much fun :)

We also purchased a Boise State Snuggie. Baha. Since living in the apartment, I know how cold it is. I know that it will be used SO much. Well, I'll be using it because I'm always cold.

Me and Tayler are trying to figure out now if I want to take some of my stuff out of the apartment until the wedding and he'll live at our apartment. Or if he's just going to sleep in my parents guest bedroom and I'll stay there. We'll see. I will let you know.

11 days until miss Olivia is one year old :)

12 days until I'm not a miss, I'll be a Mrs. :)

P.S. I do have a lock of Olivia's baby hair. An hour or two before placement a nurse cut a lock of her hair for me. I'm always so grateful to this nurse because I don't think she will ever know how much that really meant to me in that moment.

6 Months :(

The day after Tayler proposed. I received the news that my best friend, Jessica, had passed away earlier that morning. I was at work and I left early. Luckily, Tayler was home and I got a hold of Jessica's mom and she told me that she thought she had my number and texted me to come to the hospital. But, I guess not. She told me everything and I cried. I got off the phone and cried some more. I cried throughout the whole day. I asked for a fathers blessing that night because I didn't think I could make it through another day. The next day my eyelids were so swollen. I still cry. It was probably the hardest thing I had to go through besides placement. I felt guilty being happy and celebrating being engaged. I thought I should be mourning over my best friend. But I did come to a point that I needed to be happy and that she would want me to be happy.

You know what the best feeling in the world is? Having a best friend, that one person who loves you and never judges you no matter what, and no matter how badly you mess up. Someone who you have endless conversations with and can communicate by just using your eyes. That one person who just walks in your house, opens the fridge and grabs whatever they want out. Lastly it’s that person who knows so much about you that they could ruin your life in a second. But you trust them with your life and you know that they will never ever do that no matter what. You are that best friend to me. I wish you were here now. Joking with me, Being there when I needed someone to talk to desperately. I'm missing you today. But that's not any different from any other day. I love you, fruitie tootie.

These past 6 months have been the hardest without you here. It's hard to plan a wedding and knowing that you were going to be apart of it. Everything I do, I think about you. It

was so good to see your mom and sister at my bridal shower. My eyes watered when I saw

them because I just imagined you walking in with them. It's not the same without you here.

Olivia misses her favorite aunty. She'll be turning 1 in 15 days.

I wish you were here to celebrate her first birthday like you were there when she was born.

I miss my best friend

and capturing moments.

I miss her hate for BYU ;)

And going to the BYU vs. Utah game and wearing Utah attire.

Our love for Taylor Lautner and going to the cinematic adventure, the midnight showing, of New Moon.

Thank you for all the memories.

I will cherish them forever.

Thank you for watching out for me and being there when I needed a best friend.

You're the most amazing girl I have ever met.

I love you with all my heart Jessica Harris.

I can't wait to see you again :)

This is her favorite song, it describes her perfectly:

6 months

It's been 6 months since Tayler asked me to marry him.

17 more days until I'm his and he's mine. :)

Love you, babe.

3 more days until I get to see you!

6 Months by Hey Monday

You're the direction I follow to get home
When I feel like I can't go on you tell me to go
And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees
Cause you have that effect on me
You do

Everything you say
Every time we kiss I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

Months going strong now and no goodbye
Unconditional
Unoriginal
Always by my side
Meant to be together
Meant for no one but each other
You love me
I love you harder so

Everything you say
Every time we kiss I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please give me your hand
So please give me a lesson on how to steal
Steal the heart
As fast as you stole mine
As you stole mine yeah

Oh and everything you say
Every time we kiss I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please give me your hand
So please just take my hand

1. Roommate Pictures

My sister, RuthAnn, asked me to take some pictures of her and her roommates. So. That's what I did today after work. Even though I've been in pain pretty much the past week. I have pleurisy. If you don't know what that is. Google it.

Here are some pictures from today:

I felt awkward. Haha.

Koala Hug=Fail.

I face plant.

This last one is for all you hunger games lovers:

She calls this: Peeta

I am not a photographer. Nor do I claim to be. I don't get much creative juices flowing while I hurt and when I'm on meds that make me drowsy. I took some roommate pictures of RuthAnn and her best friends when they were roommates before her mission. Those ones were probably better than these. Haha. Oh well. Love them as they are.

I just bought Olivia a birthday present today. :)

2. Three Weeks

Baha. If you read my facebook status. This is what it's all about. Me and Mariel had a lovely conversation.

Me

what are you doing?

Mariel

wallowing in self pity. HA! Im watching my shows

Me

what showsss? why are you wallowing?

Mariel

americas got talent. I just got done with teen mom. I just..... am really depressed lately. I dont know :)

Me

how are you liking teen mom??

september 9 is a birthfather panel at the post placement group.

the birthfather spoke at the wednesday group. AMAZING.

Mariel

i love it, i think i am obsessed. I hate HATE amber and gary, i love Maci and her new boyfriend, I am not a huge fan of farrah, she needs to grow up, and i love love LOVE catelynn and tyler

Me

yes. amber and gary. i can do without.

it's like not even about their kid.

Mariel

she is the most whiny bad word

Me

it's about them fighting. breakiing up. getting engaged. abuse. blah.

Mariel

i know, right?

Me

if i were with child services. i would seriously take sophia out of farrah's house. haha.

Mariel

They seriously are just sooooo bad for eachother. They dont match. and their poor daughter gets, like, no attention

I know! She is the worst mom, she doesn't even know what she is doing, and she doesn't even care. And she is such a brat to her parents, who paid for, like, everything

and babysat while she left for hours

Me

for real. she likes uses the cameramen as babysitters. the episode where she like left sophia in the kitchen sink and she turned on the faucet and put her hand under the water and clearly it was hot. and farrah was just in the living room doing whatever.

Mariel

Oh my gosh i know. And then she left her on the bed, and was like "Sophia shut up, im on the phone", walked out and she fell off of the bed and started screaming. Poor girl

Me

i about die watching farrah

and how she is with sophia.

she doesn't want to be anything like her mom. so she neglects her child? gives her space? sophia isn't independent yet. you don't hit that stage for a few more years, honey.

Mariel

i know. She is like "I am a mom, i am so mature". Yeah freaking right. You dont even care about your child. Like, you can tell she is annoyed with taking sophia everywhere. Poor girl! Youre right, she acts exactly like her mom

and she makes the stupidest decisions. She said that on the last episode, she was like "I need to stop making impulse decisions". Yeah, you should have realized that when you had sophia

Me

bahahaha.

so true.

like having sex unprotected.

Mariel

i could go on forever about her

Me

so smart.

Mariel

i know! use a condom!

Me

baha.

Mariel

well, thats hypocritical

i never used one........

Me

i was about to say, like we're the ones that should be talking. ahha.

clearly, we're so good at using birth control.

Mariel

haha i know, right?

Me

it's like candy.

bahhah

Mariel

Oh yeah, we just popped them all the time

haha..... oh gosh

we are so bad

Me

i totally want to m ake that my status on fb.

Mariel

oh well. :)

Me

i pop birth control like it's candy.

Mariel

HAHA!

Oh gosh, that would make my day

Me

i'm sooo doing it.

tayler will be like.... wtc???

Mariel

hahahaha

oh gosh

I could just see his face

And that's how my facebook status was born.

haha. Tayler's little sister wrote, "I don't think we need to know that."

Tayler wrote, "It's a joke."

I said, "There is no funny business when it comes to babies, Tayler."

I crack myself up.

Unpacking. Unpacking. Unpacking.

My friendsies McCall and Mandy got me a LOVESAC. Boo ya. That's my bed.

Well, my temp bed. That's pretty much all me and Tayler need for our apartment. He has all the rest of the stuff in Idaho. I was unaware but we're getting two recliners. Tayler is bringing a desk. He also has a dresser, a coffee table, and a ghetto entertainment center. Glorious.

This was me, one year ago.

P.S. This banner is displayed at Boise State University. The banner on the left. Doesn't that guy look like a total hottie? I'm pretty sure I'm going to make him my husband. (For those of you who don't know, Tayler played in the BSU band and got to play in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. His claim to fame.)

3. Couch

I purchased a couch for my little apartment. It's new but retro looking. I love it. It was only $100 for a couch and chair. Glorious. At first, I wasn't sure about it but now, I think it's ADORABLE.

:) 22 more days. Yes, I'm counting down. Yesterday, everyone kept asking me if I was nervous. I told them I was more excited. But now I'm really thinking about it. It's going to be in 3 weeks. I can't believe it. I guess since I'm not with Tayler everyday that it's hard to imagine it. I can't wait though. I am nervous for the whole day. I know things won't matter and it'll be perfect just having Tayler by my side as my husband!

I just ordered mine and Tayler's guestbook. I designed it. YAY!