Wednesday, July 22, 2009

VA Picture Blog


#1- 3d/4d ultrasound :)


#2- L and I at the beach.


#3- Beach

#4- 3d/4d ultrasound


#5- Brigham Young

#6- The park

#7- Pregnant curves.


#8- The pool.


#9- B being studly.


#10- B being an A&F model.

#11- Olivia's closet :)

#12- I thought this was cute, bins of clothes for Olivia.


#13- Olivia's crib.


#14- V's favorite firework picture.


#15- My favorite heartshaped firework.


#16 the ceiling in the Rotunda.


#17- Foot in the sand.


#18- Flower in the gardens.


#19- Spider web.


#20- Jefferson Memorial


#21- Pedicures.


#21- L and I at the Jefferson Memorial.


#22- Jefferson Memorial again.


#23- Infront of Obama's crib.


#24- White house.


#25- It rained for a second.


#27- You can kind of see the Washington memorial in the background.


#28- V and I at the Lincoln Memorial.


#29- B and I


#30- B and I looking at Mr. Abe.


#31- For RuthAnn.


#32- Playing in the water.


#33- World War II memorial.

I numbered them so it would be easier to comment.
So, here's a story. I talked to N today. Well, I ran into him at his work. I was buying things for a friend and I was walking out and saw him sitting at McDonald's. I thought he was on break and I had on me a copy of the 3d/4d ultrasound so I gave it to him.
Uh, I don't think I should go into huge details about the conversation.
He doesn't understand why I'm mad at him all the time.
I just don't think it's fair that I have to go through the 10 months of pregnancy (40 weeks peeps, come on.) and then he gets to have the fun part after I'm all done going through all of that.
It's frustrating.
Then he doesn't know how to be involved because I don't really tell him how and that he thinks it's just for me and not for Olivia.
All I said is that she's not her own person yet to support her so he's just going to have to deal with me for a while. And it may not be financial support or physical support. More just emotional support. If I see him trying to make an effort to talk to me and see how I'm doing or how Olivia is doing. Or if I it's even just a simple conversation then I'll be okay to know that he's doing his best in supporting her. I don't think I'm asking for a whole bunch. I'm not asking him to marry me or to be Olivia's father. I'm not asking him to hand over thousands of dollars or asking him to buy me things all the time or to buy her things. It's more I'm asking him to at least appreciate the girl carrying his baby.

Meh.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Here We Go Again.



Here We Go Again
Demi Lovato

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone that we are through
Cause I'm so much better without you
But it's just another pretty lie
Cause I break down
Everytime you come around

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
Swore that I'll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We're falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Every time that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you're always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it's no use
Can't Be With Or Without You

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
Swore that I'll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We're falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go go again

I threw all of your stuff away
And I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
Swore that I'll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We're falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go
Here we go again
Here we go again

Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again


That's probably the song of the week for me.

I wish I could tell you all everything about my baby daddy drama but that's his personal life. Even though I may get no respect, I respect his life. Funny how that works out.
The most I can really tell you is that I'm not happy with him and I've given up on him. I'm sure I've probably said that a million times. But I've had enough. I'm tired. I'm 8 months pregnant. I should've learned in the beginning that I can't do anything to make him change. So I'm learning that now. I'm done making an effort if he's not going to do anything. I told him last night if he didn't talk to me then he wouldn't ever see his daughter. He can make the effort if his daughter is at all important to him.
Of course, he said nothing back.

This is what me and him need to talk about: the birth plan, the hospital, and the adoption plan.

This is my birth plan, hospital, adoption plan without involving him:
I'm probably not going to tell him when I'm in labor or when she's born.
If someone in my family thinks that's wrong they can go ahead and call him and try to get him to come because I'm not going to. I'm sure he won't go if I ask.
I'm sure if he did come I'll be in pain and angry at him for making me go through this.
I'm hoping he'll sign away his rights before she's born because I don't want him to be at the hospital at all. I don't want him to have the chance to see her.

-I know this is sounding really bitter and rude. I'm just asking he makes the effort to talk to me about a birth plan and adoption plan. Because all of that up there will change if he does something. I'm sure it's hard to have a simple conversation when you haven'ttalked to me at all in the past 8 months. It's the least he can do.

The only time I'll probably let him see her or let him know she's here is the last day they're in town.
If V&D come and visit then he can find out for himself.
I'm planning on changing my phone number after she's born, even though N doesn't ever try to get a hold of me. He doesn't deserve to know anything remotely close relating to his daughter.

-I was talking to a friend last night and I was telling her I was going to ask him to change his number too. It'll just be easier for us to move on then try to repair anything. If I could let go now, I would in a heartbeat. But I know for myself, I can't when I'm carrying his baby.

It hurts sometimes to realize that we used to be so close and be such really good friends. And to realize that we can't ever be friends again. I really think we should be civil and not end on a bad note because I will have an open relationship with Olivia and if she ever wants to meet her dad, I'm not going to tell her no. But again, it's up to him if he'd ever want to see her later in life. I hope he'll mature by then.
But with the song, "How did you get under my skin?" I ran into him at his work. I really was hoping I wouldn't. He came up and talked to me, I was also with one of my friends. If it was just myself then he probably wouldn't have. I was printing off pictures at the picture kiosk. Really our conversation was,

"What's up?"
"Nothing just trying to print off some pictures but it's taking a long time."
"Oh. Well have fun."
"Ok."
...

"Is it still taking a long time?"
"No."
"You have a lot of pictures."
"Yep, there's more."
"I believe it."
"Yep."

Ha.

It just confuses me. He acts like a totally different person when I'm with other people. It's like he's trying to make a statement like, "Look, I'm not an ass like she says I am. I'm talking to her."
If I was by myself would you come talk to me? Probably not.
I've just heard too many things for me to believe that he could ever change and try to come around.
He does a lot of things just to "be nice" not because he wants to do them. I realize that he may not have to get pregnant and not have to tell anyone that he got a girl pregnant because he doesn't have to show it. Because if you haven't heard, ONLY GIRLS CAN GET THEMSELVES PREGNANT!
Isn't that so WEIRD?!!
I believe it.
When a guy doesn't take responsibility of making a child, he doesn't get the credit of having a child.

To end on a happy note,

Wednesday will be a pretty productive day.
I have a meeting with Loni in the morning.
I'm hanging out with Z.
I have a doctors appointment at 2. My 32 week appointment :)
Then I have group at 4:30-6.
Then Z is going to the hospital to have her babyyyyyy. YAY! I'm SO excited for her.

My parents are going out of town for their anniversary, a cruise to Alaska.
Of all places. PFFT.

Friday and Saturday is a FSA conference. I'm hoping I can get work off to go.
:)

V&D are coming out here in a few weeks for V's sister's wedding!! :) I get to see them again before Olivia's born. I'm SO excited.

P.S.
I'm SO disoriented. For some reason I thought this Wednesday was the 29th! And that's when my doctors appointment is. So, I'm doing everything else that I said I was doing on Wednesday minus the doctors appointment.
And the FSA conference isn't until NEXT weekend.
I figured this out after I went to my work to turn in a schedule request, we're supposed to do it every Saturday night and I forgot. But my boss had already made the schedule so I was like nooooo, there is no way they'll let me have Friday AND Saturday off. Then I looked and I'm safe.
Look at what stress does to me. I don't even know the days of the week.

I also finished the 2nd season of Gossip Girl last night. :) I'm SO excited for season 3 to start!

Quotes of the day:

She's backing off. That's what he wants. He's too afraid of
commitment. Too afraid to let somebody into his life. He doesn't
want to love anybody. To him, it's being weak. He doesn't want
to need someone. He wants to want someone. He should love because
he wants to. Not because he has to. But he can't. He's tried, and he can't.


Some people pass through your life and you never think about them again.
Some you think about and wonder what ever happened to them.
Some you wonder if they ever wonder what happened to you.
And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.


No, he doesn't always make me happy. There are times when I
really just want to punch him in the face, get up and walk away
because it seems so much easier. But that's not what true love is about.
It's about learning to forgive him for his mistakes, not holding grudges and
bringing up the past. It's about learning to love and admire him even more
for all the small imperfections, because not one person on this earth is perfect. It's
about discovering something new about each other every day, and falling in love
all over again every time you look into his eyes. It's about understanding
and working through problems, not just giving up when something goes
wrong. True love wasn't meant to be easy, but it's definitely worth it.


He ignores her every chance he gets. Unless they're alone,
she doesn't exist. He never returns her calls and never
keeps his promises. So why is she still waiting for him to love her?


One of these days you'll realize that I was the one for you.
How you threw it all away. And when that day comes, I'll smile
and tell you the same things you once told me: That you're my
friend, and that's all I want us to be. And maybe,
if you're lucky.. You'll open your eyes and see how those words
can never be comforting. And you'll never say them again.


It's amazing the things you realize when you lose someone:
You get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a
million times, you take for granted the days spent doing nothing
when you could have been with them. Anyone can be taken,
at any time in our lives, but we always wait until they're
gone to say the things we never had the courage to before.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because you're mad, maybe it's
because you're afraid, maybe it's because you're also a little
confused, maybe it's because you want to act cool;
but whatever the reason, you're breaking my heart.

Sometimes you want something so bad that you're afraid
of the consequences are you really afraid of the
consequences? Or are you afraid of what you really want?

Remember all those times I swore I needed you? Well consider
them lies. Because baby, here I am. Without you and I survived.

I'm leaving you this message to let you know that nothing
has changed. You're still a disappointment. I'm leaving you
this message to let you know, I'm not surprised.

It's almost like you had it planned. It's like you took my
hand and said, "Hey, I'm about to screw you over big time."


Friday, July 17, 2009

Grief

Oh man, I've been having a feeling that I should write this post. But I haven't and then I've been inspired to.

Let's start off with, I've been bitter with a certain someone. I know he thinks I'm ALWAYS mad at him. But if you were in my situation then you can't help but think about him and what he did to make you this way and what he's not doing now to support you. It hurts. I know people tell me that I need to hear his side of the story. What if I've given him many opportunities to contact me and he hasn't even taken one? Even when I confront him about things and get lied straight to my face about it.
Just so you get an idea of my bitterness, I don't even know if I should give him the opportunity to see his daughter after she's born. That's how bitter I am. Sadly enough, I've asked everyone but one person- God.
I mean, I've felt great. I had a fantastic week in Virginia and wished it never had to end. Then I come home to the drama. I wish I could make you all understand how I feel. But I can't. My friend's post was just sort of an awakening to me. Ever since... Wednesday night at group, I've felt emotional pain thinking about him. And I pushed God away because I want to try to make things right on my own.
But guess what? God has been there for me since day one of this journey. He's not going to let me off the hook with this one. He knows I need His help and this is his way of showing it. Andee posted a few quotes which I will post that feel applicable to me in my situation.

This is advice given from Elder F. Enzio Busche from the Quorum of the Seventy at a BYU devotional in May of 1996.

"When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love towards God."

"In your life, there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take."

"God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us -- everything will fall into place."

"When you cannot love someone, look into that persons eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him."

"If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again."

"Avoid at all costs any pessimistic, negative or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm."

"The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it."

"When you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better."

If you want to read or watch more you can go to Youtube and type in: Advice from Elder Busche

My group on Wednesday at LDS family services was about Grief. I had no idea what it was about before I came in. And as soon as I found out I knew I would be crying. Of course, I did. I got to crying right in the beginning.
Just from this song. I thought this was funny the same friend that posted the quotes made this video of her placement and we played it in group. Just listen to the words. I just listened to it a second time and cried even harder.



I have put up a post before about a session I had with Loni about the stages of grief.
But mostly I was grieving over the thoughts of N and how he hasn't been involved. Now that some things have happened and realized that I don't need him in my life or in Olivia's life I can move on.

Here is a list of appropriate grief expectation you can have for yourself during grief:

  • Your grief will take longer than most people think (minimum 1 year).
  • Your grief will take more energy than you would have ever imagined.
  • Your grief will show itself in all spheres of your life: psychological, social, physical, spiritual.
  • You will grieve for many things both tangible and symbolic, not just the placement alone.
  • Your grief will depend on how you perceive the loss.
  • You will grieve for what you have lost already and for what you have lost for the future.
  • Your grief will entail mourning, not only for the actual person, but for hopes, dreams, and unfulfilled expectations you held for and with that person.
  • Your grief will involved a wide variety of feelings and reactions, not solely those that are generally thought of as grief (i.e. depression, anger, sadness, etc.).
  • The loss will ressurect old issues, feelings, and unresolved conflicts from the past.
  • You may have some indentity confusion as a result of this major loss.
  • You may experience reactions that may be quite different for you.
  • You may have a combination of anger and depression, such as irritability, frustration, annoyance, and interolance.
  • You may feel anger and guilt, or at least some manifestations of these emotions.
  • You may experience sudden grief episodes that occur without warning.
  • You may have trouble thinking or making decisions.
  • You may feel like you're going crazy.
  • You may become obsessed or preoccupied with the adoption.
  • You maybe being to sense an increase in your spirituality, religion, or philosophy of life.
  • You may find yourself acting differently in your social interactions.
  • You may experience a number of physical reactions.
  • Certain dates, events, or stimuli may bring upsurges of grief.
  • Experiences later in life may ressurect grief reactions for you temporarily.
The feelings I hate to admit is that I've been hurt. I don't want to admit that. But I know that there will be a lot more hurt in my life but I need to prepare for it and with God I can be comforted and know that everything will be okay.
I also hate to admit being scared. I am so excited for Olivia to enter the world. But at the same time I'm so scared for her.
In group, there were some adoptive moms there with their birth moms and they were saying that they felt some post partum depression because they feel like they have to cater to the birth moms needs and feel like they're doing a good enough job for you. Sometimes they feel like it's not enough. I hope V doesn't feel that way and she has to be this awesome, fantastic mom that I can't be. I just want her to love Olivia with everything she has and I'll be satisifed. And I already know that she does.
With that out of the way, I'm scared of Olivia coming into, what I feel, a scary, awful world. I've had my trials that have hurt me and caused me pain. But I know that they've made me a stronger person. But when you're going through a trial, all you feel clouded with is pain. You feel surrounded by thoughts of judgement from others. I know that Satan is trying to influence me to make me believe that everyone is against me. I know it's not true. But I've been so distant to God, I feel, that I do feel that way at times. I just know I have to take a few steps back and look at my situation and realize I have an awesome support system and I'm doing the best I can. And that's all the Lord asks for. Even if I stumble, He'll always be there.

With the list of grief I thought I would add the list of Taking Care of Yourself while during grief and what rituals you can do to remember our loved ones in loving, healing ways and with a sense of peace. You don't need to "hold on" to the pain in order to remember the person.

Taking Care of Yourself

  • Eat well-balanced meals
  • Try to get adequate rest- try going to bed earlier and sleeping a little later.
  • Try taking slow deep breaths in through your nose, exhaling through your mouth.
  • Exercise on a regular basis.
  • Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine.
  • Avoid making big decisions- let things stay the same for a while.
  • Avoid taking on additional commitmnets, large or small or a while.
  • Make a list of things that you used to enjoy and do one thing daily- even if it is small.
  • Keep a journal- it helps you gauge your progress over time.
  • Keep track of your dreams- they may help you understand what is going on inside.
  • Engage in a creative activity.
  • Try reading a book on grief, it may help you understand what you are experiencing.
  • If Sundays, holidays, or other dates are difficult, schedule comforting activities.
  • Express your feelings to someone you trust. All feelings are okay.
  • Invite other living things into your life, a new plant, a pet, etc.
  • Take time to be by yourself, but don't spend all your time alone.
  • Avoid napping during hte day, it can offset your sleep at night.
  • Take a warm bath.
  • Engage in relaxing activities.
Grief Rituals

  • Buy a very special candle and light it at times that are special to your loved one's memory (i.e. birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc.)
  • Write a special note, tie it to balloons and let them go.
  • Help feed the hungry/homeless at Thanksgiving, or other holidays.
  • Create a scrapbook of memories/photos.... a memory book.
  • Donate gifts, quilts, etc. in your loved one's name.
  • Plant a strong healthy tree or rosebush in your loved one's name.
  • Find a tree in the canyons or woods, tie a yellow ribbon around it, go frequently to remember (this is especially helpful when ashes have been scattered and there is no gravesite.)
  • Let balloons go, along with a prayer or special wish, to your loved one.
  • Offer a scholarship in the loved one's name.
  • On birthday's, holiday's, anniversaries, etc., buy your loved one a gift and donate it to a hospital, nursing home, or charity of your choice.
  • For Christmas, hnag up a stocking for your loved one and let everyone write a special note to put inside.
  • Buy a Christmas ornament each year to remember your loved one.
  • If you go on a trip at a special anniversary time, do something special to remember your loved one on the trip (toss a rose in the ocean, light a candle, etc.)
  • Have a wedding ring made into a new setting for a necklace.
  • Have a birthday party for your loved one on his/her birthday.
  • Have a family "memory" evening where you share photos, memories, reminisce about special times, and create a scrapbook of this occasion.
I know right now that I'm not the only one going through grief or a trial. But just remember you're not alone. You can't do it on your own. I've been selfish about it and thinking I could but I can't. God or your support system, such as friends or family, can help you through your tough time. Don't let that go. :)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Home


I'm home now from my wonderful week in Virginia.
P.S. you all stink at leaving comments, how dare you not leave me comments on my last post? Whatev. I expect about 50 for this one because there are going to be a MILLION pictures.
Even the people who are afraid to comment on my blog. GO FOR IT.
No hata's (that's gangster for: haters) please!

So, I'll start from where I left off.
Friday, after we watched Stick It- B was still sleeping- we put in The Notebook. V's favorite movie.
Then after that we went to Olive Garden and L brought a friend with her.
After that we went to the monuments.
There was an emotional time in the car because it had been on my mind. I needed to talk to them about the birth plan but I didn't exactly know how to say it or what to say. L and her friend were in another car and it was me, D, V, and B in the other. And we talked and I asked D to cut the cord. Then I told V she could hold Olivia first. And I just started crying after I told her that. She was just like, "You don't need to do that. You'd want to hold her first." And I told her, "She's yours. You can." Ha. I'm almost about to cry now just thinking about it.
I figure the doctor will probably put her in my arms first. But I think it'd just be cool to have them see and hold their daughter first. It'll all just be amazing though to even see her and hold her.
Then we came home late and put Bradshaw to bed and played Kingsburg.

Saturday, me, D, and V went to the holocaust museum. L stayed home and watched B while we were gone. We went back and watched Push. I was starting to fall asleep and V needed to go print off more pictures for the scrapbook at Wal*Mart so I went with her and we got to talk and bond. :) ha.
I'm trying to think of what we did after that. Horrible memory :(
I remember now. We went to Kings Street and walked down and looked at all the shops. There was a clothing store for babies but it was closed. But it had such cute things in the window. We ate at 5 guys, burgers, and fries. Ha. They're definitely the Dubs comp out here. But I tried it. I still think JCW's is better. :)
Then we watched some fireworks. It was funny. It was super crowded and the spot we chose was kind of lame. Because we couldn't see the fireworks. There were trees in front of it so we ended up moving just a little bit over. I got some pretty cool pictures of that.


Sunday, we went to church. Then after B took his nap we played Kingsburg and then we went to the Jefferson Memorial, which is D's favorite.
V and I also saw the White house.
I don't think we played Kingsburg that night.

Monday, V, L, B, and I went swimming at the pool. It was fun and relaxing. No sunburns. Which is a surprise if you saw my delicate fair skin in person.
We went back and let B take a nap. V and I worked on the scrapbook and watched, He's Just Not That Into You and then watched Confessions of a Shopaholic.
Then we waited until D got home and we ate dinner and went out to Rita's. They have custard ice cream. It was very rich. Super good. It was almost fluffy like frosting or something.
I enjoyed it. I wish there was one out here.

I'm trying to remember, I think we were on our way to the white house/Jefferson memorial and V's idea was to make wishes for Olivia.
It was just really random ones. I wished for her to have blonde, naturally curly hair. V wished for her to have blue eyes, which she will because N and I both have blue eyes.
Hahaha. I remember L wished she had an interest in music and V says, BORING! And D says, I wish for her to be happy. And L yells, AND MINE WAS BORING?! ha. I loved it.
We wished for lots of things for her to be athletic and for B and her to be the best of friends.

They also grilled me with 20 questions the day we went out for the picnic and the decapitated bird died on me. I guess it's a family tradition. But I don't mind. I kind of like to fill out questionnaries and things but it was interesting to do it in person.

Monday night, we sat down and just talked. I texted Loni to ask her what I needed to ask D and V and she told me she would call me. So she did. And she told me what I needed to tell them or ask them.
Most of it was pretty much already done. I was trying to figure out when they were coming out here. V and B are coming out here on the 17th and D will be flying in between the 17-21 or something like that.
I think we watched Juno on Sunday and in the scene when Juno's water breaks and yells, "Thundercats are GO!" That is our code when I'm in labor.
Placement will be at the hospital. They have to say 7-10 days after she's born, The ICPC? Ha. I totally just looked it up. It's the Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children. I'm not exactly sure what all of that means or what it includes in that magical package but I just know they have to stay in Utah for a week.
I just think placement would be a lot harder on me if I waited to do it like the day before they left for Virginia because I'd have a week with her of being "her mom." When V is really her mom. So, yeah.

Then today, V and I finished up the scrapbook. I took it home with me to put it in a bigger binder and add on a few pages and to buy stickers and crafty things.
Afterwards, we tried to fit in sometime to go swimming. My flight departed at 5:30. We went swimming at 3 and then left at 3:30 and I had to shower really quick. I was done around 4 and got to the airport around 4:30.
V and D walked me to the security line and said goodbye. I really didn't want to go. It was so much fun. :)
After I saw them walking away, I almost started crying. But I didn't. I tried not to anyway because I was more focused on buying snacks and trying to hurry and get on my flight.

I watched Gossip Girl on the way. I still have a few more episodes left to watch. But it was pretty insane. I almost cried.
I'll kind of try to tell you.
Serena (is pretty much the main girl) and Dan (her on and off again boyfriend)- their parents (Serena's mom, Lily and Dan's dad, Rufus) had a fling like in high school or whatever. Lily was married Bart Bass (pretty much the richest guy of Manhattan) and Bart had a private investigator trying to cover up a ton of stuff in their lives. I guess, Lily went to a hospital when she was about 19 years old. And Bart's investigator found out why she was really there. After Bart found out I guess he was on his way to talk to Lily about it and got in a car accident and died. I know, brutal.
His son Chuck, found out about it and blamed Lily and Rufus for the death of his father. Lily's mom has hated Rufus because of what happened to Lily at 19 but he had no idea. I guess Rufus and Lily were planning on going on a trip and when he showed up to pick her up or something he said to her, "All I want to know is if it's a boy or a girl."

I'm thinking WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! At first I thought Lily was pregnant with Bart's baby. Then at the same time I thought she was pregnant with Rufus' baby because I think they hooked up before her and Bart got married.
But then I remembered it had to do with why she was at the hospital when she was 19.

Lily had a baby at 19 years old and placed it for a closed adoption and never told Rufus and had her and her mom hide it from him. How horrible is that? Now her son that she placed is 19 years old. I just was thinking how crazy it was. I could NEVER hide this from N. I wouldn't have the heart to do it. I think it would kill me inside to even think about it. But Rufus freaked out because, well, he has had 2 other kids so he's like, I had a son and didn't even know about. I've had a son for 19 years! Whoa. Yeah.
But what Lily said made me almost cry on the plane. She was just like, I was so young and couldn't take care of a baby. And he said he understood why she did it. Then she said, But you need to understand that as much as it's hurting you now that you didn't know. That you don't realize how much of a hole it's left me, wondering about him everyday if he was happy if it was the right thing to do.

They end up going to the adoption agency and since it was a closed adoption. Their son would have to put his name out there saying he was searching but he wasn't. And so the agency contacted the adoptive couple and they said they didn't want to meet with them. But the adoptive dad called Rufus later and said he would meet with them but didn't want his wife to know.
So they met for dinner and the adoptive dad told them that a year ago their son died in some sort of accident. He had drown or something. And that's why the adoptive mom didn't want to meet with them because it was so hard on her.
But later on after Lily and Rufus leave, the adoptive mom comes up and says, did they believe it? They even gave them a newspaper clipping. And the adoptive dad said that Lily and Rufus had money and could take him away and they had already lost one son and could lose another.

I have a feeling that sometime later on in this season that they'll find out about it. Ugh. That makes me SO mad. All they kept saying was that they just wanted to talk to him and see him. They weren't there to take him away. I mean, he's had his whole life. It wasn't like they could just take them and try to keep raising them as their parents. It frustrates me that the couple would keep the birth mom/parents from seeing their own baby... well... he's not really a baby anymore. But still, he's still their kid. I just don't understand how couples could be so ungrateful about that birth mom sacrificing her own flesh and blood for another family as much as she loves and wants her baby, she is doing something that she knows that will let him have a better life. They could atleast give her that much of seeing/talking to her son when she went through the emotional and physical pain that bringing a child into the world does to a mother.

Boo. But it just made me think about N and if years from now he'd do the same thing and try to find Olivia... well, he wouldn't try very hard to find her because it's an open adoption. But try to find her and get to know her after he's had his own kids. Because to me, it would be frustrating to be like, I had a daughter I never knew. The adoption will be very open. Atleast, I hope it will be. I'll probably try to visit atleast once in the summer and then for her birthday. I know I would fly out there when they'd have her baby blessing and her baptism. I just don't know if it'll keep getting harder every year, whenever I get married and start my own family, we might have to be neighbors or something. Ha.

There was another thing that kind of made me think on the trip. When V and I were working on the scrapbook. B was awake (we tried to do it during his naptime) and he saw and pointed at N's picture and yelled, "Daddy!" I thought it was cute that he did that. But it made me think about other things. That N will probably never hear his daughter say that. I honestly don't know how open he wants his end of the adoption to be. It also just made me sad to think about having her, how much of all of this going on would be different if different things happened. Like if N and I did get married. It would bring joy to me to hear her call N, daddy and me, mommy. I know that D will be a good dad to Olivia so I'm happy about it. He's a good guy. And V will be an awesome mom :) So I'm not too worried. There are just days that you will have to think about the future when you don't want to because you're afraid of it. But sometimes you have to face your fears.

Oh well, talk to you all later. Goodnight.
:)

I'll do a whole picture blog tomorrow because it's midnight. It's like 2 AM in Virginia. I've been on and off about Utah and Virginia time. I'll get used to it soon. But here are some pictures.
Jasper has gotten HUGE. I was so surprised! But still super vicious. Daaaaang it.

29 weeks along.

30 weeks along. :) I bought that shirt at the DC airport. I'm such a tourist.

Friday, July 10, 2009

3D/4D

Oh hey.
I'm in Virginia right now.
I thought I would update. There won't be a lot of pictures because I didn't bring my USB.

I got on the plane Tuesday morning and then arrived in Virginia around 4:30 PM. D, V, and B met me at the airport. Then V's sister L picked us up in the car and we went to their apartment.
I started teaching them how to play Kingsburg and Bradshaw got really fussy so we went on a walk to a pond close by their house and threw rocks in the river and such.
Then we came home and ate dinner and put B to bed and finished Kingsburg.


Then Wednesday was my sister's 23 birthday. :)
Let's see. I woke up late and let B take a nap and we watched 2 movies and did some scrapbooking while he was napping.
D came home and we went on a picnic by the river and watched planes take off. It was funny. We were eating and we heard this loud chirping noise and thought it was a baby bird. It totally landed on my leg! And I yell, "DID A BIRD REALLY JUST LAND ON MY LEG?!" It wasn't a bird... it was some nasty bug. Ew.
Then we went back home and put Bradshaw to sleep and played more Kingsburg and watched Baby Mama :)


On Thursday, We woke up early because we had a tour of the capitol. It was at 10:40. When we got there we were informed that there was a mysterious package found in the capitol so they had shut down all the tours. I guess this package thing was sort of a distraction to let a group of AIDS activists in the Rotunda and do a protest. I guess they were all dressed in white and chained up around it. Ha. All of them, all 26 of them, got arrested. We ended up having to go at a later time.





So while we were waiting to go on the tour we went to the Gardens across the street. Then we went to Potbelly's for lunch. I enjoyed the tour it was super cool.
Then afterwards we drove to Annapolis, Maryland to do a 3D/4D ultrasound. It was SO cool. I found out that Olivia is still a girl :) Ha. I've been having dreams that she's a boy and it scared me.
We also found out that she's breech. It makes sense to me now. It's just one of her legs that were up by her face. So I could feel her kicking on my right side by my ribs and then on the lower left side. It's interesting.
Her eyes were wide open in the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was really excited about it. She's like, "Babies eyes are never that open during the ultrasound!"
She's yawning!
She's so beautiful :)

This is her with her foot in her mouth.


We did eat some Frosty's before the ultrasound and all the walking and then resting must've woken her up.

Then later we went to the beach in Maryland. It was awesome :)
I haven't been to the beach since I was like 10 years old. I love the beach! I really want to live by the beach sometime in my life.
We ordered some pizza and then we put B to bed and played more Kingsburg.


Today me, V, and L got a pedicure. Right now we're watching Stick It and about to do some more scrapbooking things.
Tonight we're going to Olive Garden to celebrate that I have 10 more weeks. I'm 30 weeks along today.
D really wants to take us to this desert place called Rita's to buy "Happiness." And I said I've never had it... like I've never been there. And he's like, "You've never had happiness? That's sad." Ha.
We're also going to see the monuments later tonight when they're all lit up.
But I thought I would update.
I come home late Tuesday night.

Miss you all. :)

Monday, July 6, 2009

T-Minus 11 hours

until I board the plane for Virginia.

Yeah, just so you know. You can fly while you're pregnant. The limit is at 30 weeks. I asked my doctor and she said it was fine for me to fly. You have to have your doctors permission.

Anyway, I decided I needed to clean my room and clean out my car so that way when I got home. I would be happy and come to a nice clean room... and car. ha.
My car was filled with McDonald's bags and Sonic cups. No lies.

I'm kind of wasting time right now with this blog so that way I don't have to go to sleep and just get on a plane and GO! I'm SO excited.

Well, here are some before and after pictures of my room. Warning. I probably hadn't cleaned my room since April. There was still Easter candy. EVERYWHERE.... or was it Christmas candy?


Please don't do a, "Where's Waldo?" and try to find like nasty underwear lying around my floor, perv.

So, I've waited until last minute to pack. I'm all packed.. except for my make up and shower things in the morning.
To make the time fly I decided that homemade chocolate chip cookies sounded DELICIOUS.


I was so proud of myself. Look at this fantastic cookie dough mixture.


Then, I made a BIG mistake. I didn't notice but I put in two TABLESPOONS of vanilla instead of two TEASPOONS. I didn't think it'd make that big of a difference... oh boy. I was wrong.

This is my failure of making chocolate chip cookies. I made a cookie soup. I tasted the cookie dough after I saw this.... it tasted like pure vanilla frosting.

HOW DID IT EVEN TURN OUT LIKE THAT?!
I swear, it would only happen to me.

I think I'm going to take a shower and let it wash away my tears.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Two Worlds Collide

Baha. So I went to the doctors yesterday. I found out from the glucose and the HCT test that I'm a little bit anemic. Lame.
But the baby is good. She's growing and has a heartbeat.
Ha, I texted that last part to a friend of mine and they said, "That's good. Pretty sure we don't know that about the father."
I got weighed and I looked. Pre-pregnancy weight I think was around 145. I don't like to know my weight. The weighed me at 161. MEH. 16 pounds. Pretty sure I could cry.

The past couple of days of have been pretty brutal. Besides the fact of being hormonal and pregnant, I've just had a lot of stuff to deal with and don't really know what to do. I've been wanting to be angry and wrote out my feelings in a letter. Then last night I cried because I felt so pathetic.

Here are some quotes from The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball that have helped comfort me.
I just want you to know that they are EXACTLY how I feel. If you're a grandparent reading this for either your daughter or son who are in my situation. Take it to heart.

"In this situation it is the girl who suffers most... She carries most of the burdens, while the boy often goes penalty-free. The girl most go through the uncomfortable nine months with its distress, deprivations, limitations and embarrassments, and then the pain and expense of delivery and the difficult life afterward. It is a cowardly boy who would not propose marriage, pay costs, share the deprivations and embarrassment. Yet many young men have walked away and abandoned the girl to all the devastating payments for the sin of them both. Parents frequently excuse the son on one pretext or another, and leave the girl to suffer for the sins of them both."

"To buy the girl off or abandon her to her lifelong problem is not courageous, nor fair, nor right. The time will come when every individual will pay full price, and perhaps with interest, every obligation incurred even though it was hidden or covered at the time."

"The young girl who sins realize that all the sorrows, inconvenience and suffering she goes through incident to the carrying and bearing of a child do not fully constitute forgiveness of her sin. She must repent and make her proper adjustment. Let the boy realize too that none of the suffering of the girl minimizes his guilt, but rather magnifies it. For many reasons he may not be prepared to settle down to family life, but he has by his immoral act projected himself into adulthood and has broght upon himself responsibilities which he will do well to accept and discharge as honorably as he can. Like the girl, he needs to find his way to total repentance, and the road leads through acceptance of responsibility, not away from it."

"For the boy, perhaps the matter can be glossed over and covered up by parents who seek to avoid publicity and a scandal, but have they realized what they have done for their son's soul when he doubles his transgression by failing in his repentance? True repentance means restitution, meeting every obligation and restoring every damage so far as is possible. Yet it is strange how many times parents of the boy decide the girl who was good enough for him to date suddeny became promiscuous and therefor is now unworthy for their son; strange also how few of the parents charge th boy with promiscuity and consequently encourage their son to pass up his responsibilities, even to his own detriment; strange how many parents charge the girl who having trapped their son and now rate their boy "holier than thou" and the girl is not worth of further consideration in the matter!"

"In some instances, each party accused the other; each began to distrust the other; each began to hate the other. They both admitted their sin but now the boy was trying to 'crawl out.' His parents were encouraging him to get out of it. They knew the many problems which marriage brings."

In this part of the story it talks about him talking to a couple who encourage marriage in the home. The girl was realizing her predicament and was willing in spite of her fast-diminishing respect or affection for the weakening, selfish boy. And the boy freaks out in this part. Which reminds me a lot of my situation. Ha. All I'm going to say is that I agree what President Kimball had to say to the boy.

"He asked: 'Why? Why should we marry? How could we marry? I have no job. I haven't finished my education. Where would we live? How could I pay doctor and hospital bills? How could we get along without a car? How could we assume the responsibilities of a family and parenthood?'
Then I asked some questions: 'Why did you precipitate yourselves into this demanding situation? Why did you do the act which would make you parents? Why did you engage in associations which demand home, employment, status? Your completely irresponsible act and your reaction to it brand you immediately as immature. You seem highly interested in yourself and your conveniences, and your desires. Are you going to run and leave the girl to carry your baby with all your penalties too? It is time you both grew up and matured and faced realities. This situation is not the intention of either of you but it is the result of your loose actions. You made the choice when you broke the law of chastity. You knew it was wrong. You knew this problem could result. Now if you are going to grow up and meet life's issues; if you are going to be fair and just; if you are going to start out a good life on a straight road start now to meet your responsibilities...
Today is a good day to start a new life of mature responsibility. Cease blaming others, start to accept your own responsibility. Make up your own mind. You brought this about together, now solve your problems together. Forgive each other and move along and make the best of a difficult situation, and do not run away from it."

I don't take any of this lightly. I've been pregnant for seven months. I know what it's like to be alone through all of this. There are days that it is hard for people to look and judge and say things about me either behind my back or to my face. It's hard to know that I'm the only one getting the consequences of my actions. I'm taking responsibility. It takes two to make a baby. That's for sure. But I'm the only one that shows it. Sometimes there are days that I don't even want to walk out my door to face whatever challenge comes my way. I've learned that through all of this, I'm the stronger person. I am not some seductress who forced some guy to get me pregnant. I'm sorry if there are people who are involved in this, family, or people who aren't even involved in this and have been offended by what I say.
Please take a walk in my shoes... or more put on a fat suit and let me know what smart remarks and crude comments you get throughout the day. Because I'd like to know what you think of living my life everyday.

Song of the week:



Two Worlds Collide
Demi Lovato

She was given the world
So much that she couldn't see
And she needed someone
To show her who she could be
And she tried to survive
Wearing her heart on her sleeve
But I needed you to believe

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

She was scared of it all
Watching from far away
She was given the role
Never knew just when to play
And she tried to survive
Living her life on her own
Always afraid of the throne
But you've given me strength to find home

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

She was scared
Unprepared
Left in the dark
Falling apart
I can survive
With you by my side
We're gonna be alright
(We're gonna be alright)
This is what happens when two worlds collide

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

You had your dreams, I had mine
(You had your dreams, I had mine)
You had your fears, I was fine
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide
When two different worlds collide