One Year :(

One year ago (3/8/2010), My best friend passed away. That was one of the most difficult days of my life. It was hard to celebrate my engagement when she passed away. I have thought about her most of the week. I have skipped over videos to watch that I made for her funeral just because I didn't want to cry. I cried myself to sleep the night before and cried myself to sleep the night after. Jessica is always going to be in my heart.


I was having anxiety that night. We did a graveside memorial for Jessica with her family. I went to her mom's house right after work. I went down into Jessica's bedroom and laid on her bed. I said hey and took pictures of her room. Her family can go down and see it anytime but I can't see it everyday. Abbey, my favorite dog, came over and jumped on the bed and was so excited to see me. It had been a while that's for sure. I wondered if her dogs had missed her too.

There was a good amount of friends and family that came to support her and to remember her. We have all been hurt by the loss of her but we can all be there to lean on each other just like Jessica was there for us when we needed someone to lean on.


We all sang together, God Be With You Until We Meet Again. Then released some balloons. I had mine tied around my wrist because I was the picture taker and it just wasn't going to happen. Jessica's way of being stubborn ;) The last time we did it was for her birthday and all the balloons went into the tree. Not this time though.

We went around the whole circle and we all said what we love about Jessica. I had anxiety over this because I said sort of one simple thing and everyone had stories. I knew I loved Jessica for more than what I said and wish I could've said something cool. I know Jessica knows that. But I am always at a loss for words when put on the spot. That's why I enjoy writing. I can always erase what I said and no one else has to read it but me.

I said, "I loved that Jessica was always there for you. No matter what. Even though she was mad at you. Or even if you  needed her at 3 in the morning."


I wanted to write a little bit more about why I love her.

I had been thinking recently that it was always meant to be that Jessica and I were going to meet at some point. That it was meant to happen. Even at the times that it wouldn't have happened. That's what I loved that it was destined that we were supposed to be best friends. We first met at a kid's psych ward. Yep, we were crazy... nope. We weren't "crazy" we just had depression issues. We both had attempted suicide. Even if we went through with it. Then we would've met in the "afterlife."


We were so much alike. I loved her crazy extensions that fell out of her hair the next day. She made me and another girl go down a level because we went out of our room to say hey to her. But she was worth it. 


I found her on Myspace and kept through contact through that except she went to another program and didn't go straight home like I did.


The next time, the exact same DAY we both were sent to a wilderness program. Not the exact same one. But around the same time we were enrolled at West Ridge Academy. A therapeutic boarding school for troubled teens. I loved that we were attached at the hip most of the time we were there. We were in the same house. There was one girl there that was really rude to Jessica. And I stood up to this girl for Jess. Jess wasn't voted into blue shirt right before Christmas because this girl got everyone against her and that made me so mad. Jessica came and sit next to me after the voting and cried. She cried and cried and I was able to put my arm around her and be her friend for her when she needed one.


It was the times that when we both felt out of place, we both needed each other.


I love her spunk and her personality. She was always shy at first and then adapted you and felt comfortable around you only after a few hours and was able to joke and be so personable.

This girl and I went through a lot together the last 4 years. And I am so incredibly proud to say she was my best friend through everything. She was there through my pregnancy, the person that was there when I needed someone the most and she didn't bail out. We got into a "fight" and then we started contacting each other. She sent me an e-mail after she found my blog and it says,


"Hey Stef. I just read your blog and wanted to tell you how proud i am of you for making these changes in your life. I think back to the summer and when we were hanging out. We thought we were happy, but we were lying to ourselves. I look up to you so much and think your an amazing strong person. You are going through probably one of the hardest times you will ever go through. I just want you to know that you have my full support and if you ever need anything, i'm just a phone call away."

Gosh, dang it. I went through this entire blog without crying and now I am after reading that. From that e-mail you can see that's genuinely the type of person she was. She never judged you and supported you through everything.


I wish she was still here. I wish I didn't have to write this and say how much I miss her. I wish she would've known how many people loved her then maybe she'd still be here. Maybe she'd know. She amazes me and how many  lives she has touched and impacted even her short time here. She would've been 19 this year... 19. At 19, I had a baby and got engaged. Jessica had so much going for her and would've been able to experience all these things. I wish she would've known that and what she was going to miss out on. 

I love you, tootie fruitie. You're my wife. You're my best friend. Sometimes I feel really alone. Sometimes I feel like no one understands me and that you were the only one who did. It's not fair that you're gone. But I know it will only be a short time until I see you again. I miss you.


Love, 

Your sugarpuss.


"There's only 5 minutes left of today. Which one year ago today, I would've told you could possibly be one of the worst days of my life. It was so good to see your family tonight. It reminded me of all the good times and how I wish you were there. I know you were there in spirit but I wish you were there in person. I wanted to hug you more and smile with you again and tell you I love often. I wish there was more that I could say. This first year without you hasn't been easy but you've been there every step of the way and that's all I could ask for in my best friend. ♥ Always being there even after "the end."

Post Coming Soon....

Sorry for my crazy busy life. I'm rarely ever on here.

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life. I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky."

UBC Day 13

Day 13 — Write a letter to: Someone you wish could forgive you

Dear young one,
I don't know what I've done that has made you believe I'm the worst person you've ever met. I know that I've tried my hardest to get along and maybe you're coming around? I wish I knew.



Tell me: A song that is a guilty pleasure
Courtesy to McCall and Cade for finding this song.



I want to know: How do you think others view you?

I think that people probably think I can be mean by the way I say things. But it's not that I'm being mean. I am legit sarcastic. I wish there was a sarcastic font that everyone could understand me. ;) I promise I'm not a batch.


Tell me Your favorite musician and why?

Everyone should know this. Taylor Swift. I wrote a whole dang letter for her for this challenge.

UBC Day 12

Day 12 — Write a letter to: The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

This is going to be hard for me because I don't hate a lot of people. I may dislike them or we have our differences but I could never hate them. Especially this person. At one point in our lives we had each other. I guess you could say we were best friends. We were there for each other when we were going through the same thing. Then things change, people change. Or maybe some people just stay the same. I'm not pointing the finger or blaming you. I know I have my own faults too. But I was hurt. People can say things when they're hurt. And I know you said things too and maybe for now it's good that we're not friends. But sometimes I miss you. I don't like to hold onto the hurt or the pain or hold a grudge. I remember all the good times we had but I'm afraid if we go back to what we had and things were good again then we might just end up hurting each other again. Well, whatever. The damage was done a long time ago so I should probably just let go. Maybe someday things will work out again. In my heart, I do. I just can't. Meh.



Tell me: A song from a band you hate
This was a hard one for me because I'm not much of a hater for bands. But this song from this band really disturbs me. Or maybe I just hate it since it was overplayed in highschool. :)

I want to know: How you got one of your scars.

That's me in the 4th grade. I would like to direct your attention to the scar by my right eyebrow. It's on the left hand of your screen. I got the scar when we lived in Florida. We were at a local water park and it was just me, my little sister and my oldest sister at the park while the movers were at our house packing boxes to go to Utah. There was a little jungle gym and they had a fire hose just hanging down. I decided to be like Tarzan and swing on it. Well, I let go and it kept swinging then it hit me in the eyebrow. I stumbled and blacked out for a minute. I felt where it hit and looked at my fingers and there was blood. My sister will tell you it was so scary for her because I just walked over and I was crying. Covering my eye and blood was streaming down my face. I had to get 7 stitches. I even have it written in my journal when I kept one way back in the day. I talked about this hot mover guy that was at our house and he put tape on my finger and it was brave tape. It was just moving tape. But still. I cherished that piece of tape with my LIFE. hahaha.

 Show me A photograph of the town you live in.

What up, downtown. ;)

One Little Break

You know, I like to blog when I feel like and I just felt like a few weeks ago maybe I'll feel more up to blogging if I did the challenge. I'm sure I'll complete it eventually. But I also keep this blog as my personal journal, I don't have anything else. I don't write in one because I'm faster at typing and I hate my handwriting and I get lazy. I want to know how I feel right now in this exact moment. I'm sure I'll look back and think, wow. I was an idiot. Or maybe I'll look back and think, that's a life lesson that I learned and even though it was hard, it helped me become patient in the long run. So, let's start this.

Yes, I'm still incredibly baby hungry. And yes, I'm diving into this topic again but a different feeling about it.

When I found out I was pregnant with Olivia that was a tough time for me. N and I had just broken up and I was scared, freaking out. His reaction wasn't exactly the best one. I didn't see a smile run across his face. It was just utter disappointment of ourselves. And only being 3 weeks into the new year, it's not the most exciting news to discover when you're uncertain of the outcome.

Well, I kind of had a glimmer of the future today.

I let this girl at work borrow my What To Expect When You're Expecting book (my mom bought it for me when I was pregnant) and I knew her and her husband were trying and I thought it'd be fun for them to read until she got her own copy. She texted me on Thursday to let me know she still had it and dropped it off at my work tonight (Friday).

When I got home I was just completely exhausted and threw my purse on the floor with the book in it and started my bath. Tayler was in our bedroom and I called him over to bring me my purse. It wasn't that far away I just felt like I couldn't even move another inch. He brought it to me and when he got to me he just asked, "What do you have in your purse??" and looked around and pulled out the book. I kind of just looked at him to see his reaction and not say a word. A smile just bursted onto his face and asked, "What is this?!" I just said nonchalantly, "A book." He asked, "Are you being serious right now?"

I hugged him to hide my tears and I could feel his heart pounding and him controlling his breathing and repeated, "Honey, answer me. Please." I just wanted in that moment to look at him and share in his excitement and say yes. But I knew the true answer and all I choked out was, "I wish."

 He pulled away to look at my face and then I made my ugly/pouty face cry and bawled. He pulled me in and felt so bad. He thought it was all of his fault that I was sad. But trust me, it wasn't. He knows more than anything that I want a baby and to see that he would just be as excited as me just made me cry.

I was happy to see the completely opposite reaction of what it was like 2 years ago. It made me realize, you know, it isn't the same situation. Finding out your pregnant isn't something dreadful. It's something that most people look forward to when you're married. And maybe because I sort of had a negative reaction before that's what I had always expected to get. But seeing his reaction was bittersweet. It made me happy but it broke me apart because I wanted to say yes. Not only for me but for  him too. I thought I was going to hurt him by saying no from how happy he was.

I hadn't really planned on spilling the beans on when we we'd try to conceive. We will have to figure out where we are at the point we want to try and if we think (and the Lord thinks) its time for us to have kids at that time and the answer is no.

I don't think he knew what he was getting himself into....

UBC Day 11

Day 11 — Write a letter to: A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Jess,

I wish with all of my heart everyday that you were still here so I could talk to you in person and I wouldn't have to do leave you messages on Facebook or write you a letter as the deceased person I wish I could talk to. I miss having a best friend more than anything. Someone that was just like me. Someone who could understand my humor and no matter how bad our fights got that we could still work it out. I love you and want to tell you so much. I want to tell you about when I have good days and when I have bad days. The days I just want to cry and vent and you're there to hug me and tell me that it'll be all right because you're here. Sometimes I just want you to sit next to me while watching American Idol and we can laugh during the auditions. I remember last year when it was on that we were texting during the show and laughing at the contestants on there. And the next day you went into your work and you took a video of one of the people at the rest home singing Pants On The Ground. I crack up just thinking about it. I miss you and would give anything in this world to hug you and tell you I love you in person. I miss seeing you in my dreams because then it feels like you're still here and I can still call you. There is still a hole in my heart from the day you left but I know it will become full when we're reunited again. Love you, tootie fruitie.



Tell me: A song from your favorite band
I feel like I post one of his songs every single post but I love Tyler Ward. I can't help it. It's an issue.



I want to know: A story from your childhood.

This story will be sort of short and sweet. When I was little I guess I chased a mouse around the house and pointed at it and kept yelling, "BUNNY!" Baha. I was adorable.


Show me What’s in your makeup bag
I don't like to wear a ton of makeup...

Oh and if you wanted to know or if you're not friends with me on Facebook. I GOT THE JOB that I said I had an interview with last post. My sister's friend is going to school full time and needed a replacement. I'd like to thank my sister, RuthAnn for letting me know and suggesting me to her friend. I'd like to thank Kate for recommending me for the job. :) You guys are amazing! Peace out fast food and hello office manager!

UBC Day 10

Day 10 — Write a letter to: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to


Dear San Antonio,
I don't know what happened between the two of us. We would be mistaken as "sisters," constantly. You felt like a sister to me. Someone I was able to talk to late at night and laugh about things. You were someone I could come to if I felt conflicted about something. You are amazing. You are so talented and you're the best momma to your little one. Something about us drifted apart when you moved back. I missed it and I wish it didn't happen. I know from time to time we will send comments on facebook but sometimes I still wish you only lived a city away and I could drive over and hold your little one when you would tell me about your day. I miss you. Lets talk soon. Really.

Tell me: A song that makes you fall asleep
I don't think I have a specific song that makes me fall asleep but if I had to pick a song, it'd be this one. I love his voice and the piano.


I want to know: About a regret you have.


I always get a knot in my stomach when I think about this because I know everyone takes it the wrong way. I wish all the time that I could've mended things with Jess before she passed away. It'll be a year next month since she's been gone. But there is still that part of me that feels like she's still here. Her soul is just lingering here to help us through our days. I know people think that I wish I mended it because she's gone now. I wanted to mend it before her passing. I just wish I could've done it sooner then maybe she might still be here. I miss and love you, bestie.


Show me A photo of your favorite place to eat.

I have a job interview t-minus 10 hours. Wish me luck! :)