I need you now

I needed to show this pretty girl's smile. This girl will ALWAYS be my best friend. And she will be missed terribly. I know we had our arguments and disagreements towards the end. But no matter what- she's my best friend through thick and thin. She was just looking out for me. I just wish I could've been there to look out after her. I know that where she is now, she won't feel anymore pain. You're beautiful in every way, Jess. I love you. I'll always be thinking of you.

Jessica Harris

6/9/1992- 3/8/2010

I'll DEFINITELY be taking a break from blogging. You'll hear the proposal story another time.

Selfish

I really haven't had my buttons pushed in a long time to really be angry towards people who talk to me about adoption. It has seriously gone over the top. I don't want to admit it because those people who have been purposely trying to make me feel bad, will think that they've won. They're angry about my post about the crappy baby's daddy's. I'm not about to support a deadbeat dad. If he's going to post on Facebook for the whole world to see, then he should be DAMN proud of what he said. So if his family wants to pick at me and my business. Then go for it. I'm sick of you and it doesn't make you any better than me. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone. I'm just done.

My comments are going back to being approved and I might remove my Formspring. It was meant for people who have ACTUAL questions about me and adoption. Not about you trying to bring me down, because it makes you feel better. I've almost been to point of tears by what some of the hurtful things people have said. But I knew I was going to get it from after my post about baby dad's. It may seem it was directed at one person. But it was for all. He just happened to be an example. There is no other way to put it nicely about boys not being grown up enough to be fathers, but bluntly.

So some people had to be blunt to me about my adoption and the hole that I've been repairing for the past 5 months have been opened a little bit more from what people have said. I'll quote some for you.

"You talk all this crap about baby daddys but you didn't even raise your own child you gave it up! How can you be a crappy dad when the kid isn't even born yet?"

It is possible to be a crappy dad when the child isn't born. There is a difference being there for a girl when she's pregnant and not being there. I had to wait 9 MONTHS for Olivia's birth father to apologize to me and tell me that he was wrong and that he wishes he was there in the beginning. I'm just hoping guys out there don't have to wait 9 months to realize that they regret not being there. Not being there to hold the girls hair back when she's puking from morning sickness, when the girl feels the baby move for the first time and places the boys hand on her belly to feel, to see your baby on the ultrasound together, knowing this baby was made out of LOVE. When girls leave their baby's dad, it isn't that she's keeping the baby from him. It's because she's trying to protect her child, out of something potentially harmful for the baby and herself. He has all right to fight for what is rightfully his, if he's going to sit on his ass and demand it, nothing is going to happen. It just shows how uncommitted he is to the mother of his child, and his OWN child.

"And you're an adult so you could have raised your kid, but you were selfish and put yourself first ."

You're right, I am an adult. With the ability to choose and make decisions on my own. I decided to place my daughter for adoption instead of raising her. I wasn't thinking, "I can't wait to get this kid out of me and I'll be happy that I don't have to play mom all day." I cried EVERY single day of my pregnancy, praying, hoping that I can raise this child on my own. If you're a single parent yourself, have you realized how HARD it is to raise it by yourself? Don't you ever wish you had someone next to you, helping you out? Does your child ever ask why their mom or dad isn't around? Do you wish that they had that role model in their life? I CRIED the day I placed her into another woman's arms to be her mother. You don't think that was out of love, you think it was pure selfishness to give someone the gift that they couldn't give themselves?

For some of you who don't understand adoption and why mother's "give up their babies." You don't have to. I'm not going to explain it to you because it IS a beautiful, wonderful, SELFLESS thing a mother could do for their child. Going through the uncomfortable 9 months of pregnancy, the physical pain of delivering a baby, and the emotional pain that tears your heart apart by doing what you did so your baby can be happy and live a happy life with a mom AND a dad. So that baby doesn't have to be raised by it's grandparents or in a daycare. To have that baby someday grow into an adult and thank you for putting their NEEDS before your WANTS. You don't know how many times a day I WANTED to be her mom but I didn't have the NEEDS for her to be her mother and you don't know how much that KILLS me. But you also don't know how happy I am to see that she's going to be with an eternal family. A type of family that I want my future children to grow into not the one that is made after they're born, to be born to be sealed to me and to my loving husband for eternity.

If you don't understand how a mother could place her baby. You don't really know the dedication it took talking to God and creating that relationship with Him to constantly seek Him out and help me out every day. To help me remember why I was doing this. Not for myself, but for HER. You don't know how many times a day I wish I just did it "right" the first time, or got the timing right, to be married first, then start a family. I just skipped a few steps and I wish I didn't because now I have to watch my daughter grow up in someone else's family. I MADE that UNSELFISH decision, as an ADULT, as a LOVING MOTHER, so she can have a happy life and give another woman a chance to be a GREAT mother and a man to be an AWESOME father. I love Dustinn and Val and I appreciate them and grateful to them to still let me be apart of her life. If they cared so much about me posting about her as if she was "still my daughter." They would've confronted me a long time ago or wouldn't have dealt with adoption in the first place. They still tell me she's my daughter and how they appreciate me sharing her with them. But the tables have turned and they're now sharing her with me and I couldn't be more grateful for what they do and how awesome they are to her and to me.

I finally understand what TRUE love means. Love means that you care for another person's happiness MORE than your own, no matter how painful the choices you make might be.

P.S. I LOVED this post. Mary e-mailed me her blog and I have her on my "Hoping to Adopt" section and it was what I needed to read more than anything. Thank you! Her post is called: Birthmothers know it's about LOVE. And that couldn't be anymore true.

5 month old pictures

I just had to share them :)

5 months old

Olivia is officially 5 months old tomorrow.

She's SO strong.

Look at this video.

I started my dental externship today. It was fantastic :)

I like the people there. They're nice.

I am just excited to do something different than fast food :P

Sorry such a short post.

I need some sleep.

I just wanted to show off that cute little girl.

V-day Vacay

I have abandoned the blog for the past few days were spent with my adorable boyfriend. Thank you very much. If you weren't aware. It's a long distance relationship. He lives in Boise. We meet in the middle in Burley, Idaho where his family lives. On Sunday, I told him I would go there early in the morning and go to Church with his family just so he didn't have to make a 5 hour drive to Utah and drive back down together in one car. Well, Saturday night, I made the spur of the moment decision to just drive after work since I got off at 10 and make the 2 1/2 hour drive to Burley. He gets off work at 1 and is planning on staying with his friends. So I called his friends to see if they were okay with me coming over and surprising him. So I brought my post-it notes and wrote these cute little notes all over them and stuck them to the walls. It's a 2 hour drive from Boise. So I stayed up with his friend AJ, She and I just kind of talked and chilled out while I made the notes and she was totally down with me surprising him. I'm a romantic. What can I say? (Alyssa gave me the idea, actually, I can't take all the credit) So I got anxious and honestly was looking out the peephole the whole time until I saw him coming upstairs to the apartment. I ran into the pantry and he saw the post-it notes and he asked AJ what they were for. She said they were for her husband for Valentine's day and the surprise was in the pantry. I had butterflies in my stomach. It has been a month (ohh boo hoo. A whole month. I know.) And his jaw was seriously on the floor when he saw me, and I just said, "Uhhh hi!" I didn't really anticipate his reaction and I didn't know what to say when I saw him. He was speechless and the first thought was, "Does he not recognize me?!"

He gave me this beautiful necklace for V-day. We went to Church with his family in the morning and I went to nursery with his mom. She's a nursery leader. Then we had a big lunch with his family then we went back to Utah to see my family. He drove and he let me sleep on the drive. How sweet of him :)

We had dinner with my family and watched the Olympics.

The next day, we decided to go look at temples for a future reference :) Our travels were first to Oquirrh Mountain Temple. We got to the front and someone had placed roses and roses petals by the fountain and this guy ran up and put a note on there. Definitely proposing to someone. It made me WAY jealous. Not my proposal :( Someday soon. I hope :)

The second one, The Draper Temple. Probably our favorite of the ones that we went to see.

He told me to look off into the distance like I was thinking. I liked the windows.

The third temple was the Mount Timpanogos Temple. This one is closer to my house. I definitely like this temple. My sister Erika got married in that one. It was gated off so we couldn't really walk the grounds. But we still thought it was beautiful and it was dusk at the time.

We had steak for dinner that night. He helped my dad out with that. So yummy :) The next day we were sort of lazy and just sat at home and watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I can't watch that show without crying. So Tayler made fun of me for it. We went to institute that night. It wasn't an awful experience but in both classes we talked a lot about repentance. The last class we were pretty much pooped. We did talk a lot about forgiving others towards the end. Others who have harmed us which was a pretty good portion of the lesson. I'll have to go more into that later.

We had lots of fun with the webcam. On Wednesday, we met up with one of his really good friends and her husband and went out to lunch. After that we went to Burley again. I had a girls night with his mom, his little sister, and his mom's friend. We saw Dear John. Very interesting. I LOVED the book. Not so much the movie.

Today was the last day we spent together. He got his haircut. And he looks so handsome. But he does either way to me :) And we honestly just cuddled the whole day and didn't want to leave. Blah. It's going to be so nice if he moves closer to me and I'll hopefully get to see him more. Then it won't be like forever before we see each other again. It honestly feels like the longest wait and then when we're with each other time goes by SO fast. Totally not fair.

When I got home I had two little packages for me from Virginia :) Val sent me these REALLY DARLING charms to put on a necklace or a bracelet. Two of them are the same but one of them is for my mom. The little pictures are just on these little wooden scrabble pieces. How creative! I totally want to learn how to make them. I put the last two charms on my necklace. I thought it was sweet when Tayler gave me the necklace he said, "It's an O for Olivia." He adores the little princess. One of the many things that I love about him. Val also sent me a picture of Olivia with Santa. And that's on my fridge.

Dustinn and Val are pretty much the BEST. They are so awesome to me. And they send me videos and pictures of her on my phone. I got to hear her laugh for the first time on video the night I saw Dear John. And it was definitely a bittersweet moment. I love how cute she is but I hate how that's the only way I'm going to watch her grow up. Through pictures/videos and occasional visits. But I cherish them with all my heart. It's better than nothing.

I'm so VERY grateful for them and all that they do for me. :)

Institute- Law of Chastity

Yeah. That picture was kind of how I was feeling in institute today. Probably not the same meaning. (Player=Gets settled down=Game Over) I was feeling like, Game over for me! I'm not getting married! There is no way that could happen after this class. My BFF, my future MOH, Alyssa told me that she had been going to institute. I thought that would be fun because one of the classes she is taking is called, "Preparing for an Eternal Marriage." Perfect. Just what I need to get off my mind of being baby hungry is to get wedding hungry. I'm sure my boyfriend just LOVES it.

Class was about: The Law of Chastity.

It shouldn't come to a big surprise to ya'll that I haven't kept the Law of Chastity. If you don't know how babies are made, I advise you to Google. No images please.

We started talking about how Joseph was a servant to Potipher and how Potipher's wife, day after day, would tell Joseph to lie with her. And in Genesis 39:36 it says to the the extent that he wouldn't even be around her. So with that, not to get yourself into compromising situations where something COULD happen. Common sense. Yes? The natural man does take over if we're not careful.

Well, we covered a talk called, "Personal Purity" by Elder Holland.

In the eyes of me, it probably the harshest talk that I had ever read. It felt as if I was being kicked in the face a million times.

The three topics that were covered were: The Doctrine of the Human Soul, The Ultimate Symbol of Total Union, A Symbol of the Relationship with God.

I'll just write some of the quotes that were taken out of this talk that we talked about.

The Doctrine of the Human Soul.

"In sexual transgression the soul is at stake- the body and the spirit."

Yeah, not so bad. It makes sense... it gets worse.

The Ultimate Symbol of Total Union.

"The Prophet Joseph Smith once said we perhaps could render such a sacred bond as being "welded" one to another." - If you don't know much about welding. When you weld two metals together and melt them into one, it's a stronger piece than when it was two separate pieces in the beginning. Much harder to break.

"But such a total union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with solemn promises and the pledge of all they possess- their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams." - Yes, it's a good thing to have the covenant between a man and a woman. The promises they make to each other and for each other.

We went later on saying that we kind of go through a moral schizophrenia, if we don't have that marriage covenant. Because in the world, marriage is ancient. It's cool to just live with each other and never have the commitment to get married. And what the teacher said made TOTAL sense to me because it was a fear of mine. That you come home and find that they aren't there anymore. It was a daily thing for me that the boys I was dating would just walk out the door any moment, change their minds over night. I HATED that feeling. It was heartbreaking.

This part kind of cut deep.

"You cannot give everything until you are legally and lawfully married. To give illicitly that which is not yours to give (remember, "you are not your own") and to give only part of that which cannot be followed with the gift of your whole self is emotional Russian roulette. If you persist in pursuing physical satisfaction with the sanction of heaven, you run the terrible risk of such spiritual, psychic damage that you may undermine both your longing for physical intimacy and your ability to give wholehearted devotion to a later, truer love."

Well, shit. To put it lightly.

This part got to me THE worst.

"On your wedding day the very best gift you can give your eternal companion is your very best self- clean and pure and worthy of such purity in return."

I turned to Alyssa and I said, "I have to apologize to Tayler." It hit me THAT hard. I said it out loud as soon as I read it.

I'll move on to the last one before I continue my story.

A Symbol of the Relationship with God.

"One aspect of that divinity given to virtually all men and women is the use of His power to create a human body, that wonder of all wonders, a genetically and spiritually unique being never before seen in the history of the world and never to be duplicated again in all the ages of eternity."

And going on with that, the teacher started saying how awesome it was about having a baby in the hospital. To look at it and think that it wasn't alive 9 months ago. And there it was in your arms, living, breathing.

Thanks for the reminder.

I was feeling pretty down on myself.

I was going through all of that thinking, there is NO way Tayler could want me. I couldn't give him the best thing he could have on his possible wedding day. After all of it I texted him and told him the quote and right after I said, "I'm sorry :("

And this is why I'm probably fallen madly in love with this guy.

"Babe. You are working towards that pure and clean part. You know that when we go to the temple all of our past sins will be gone right? The slate will be clean."

I said, "I should've been in the first place."

Okay, listen. I'm not the type of girl to be fishing for compliments from boyfriends. Tayler tells me everyday how wonderful I am(not to be bragging or anything.). But I honestly was feeling WAY down. I read back through it I'm like... did I really just say that?

He said, "Don't beat yourself up for your past. If you didn't do what you did then Olivia would of never been born and you probably would of never met me."

I said, "I just don't feel worthy of you."

He said, "Honey, you've gone through all of that to show what you do deserve. A temple marriage and a worthy husband. I want to be that husband for you. And yes you do deserve someone caring and pure and worthy. I want to be that person for you. Believe in yourself and don't be hard on yourself for what's happened. Embrace it and learn from it. I know you can."

I finally had to get it through my brain that I am able to return to purity and that I will be able to make it to the temple someday. Right now, there are so many new emotions and triggers that I never knew about until today. And I'm just learning how to overcome the obstacles, one day at a time. I need to learn even though the pain that I feel right now may feel awful and dreading but as I'm going through my repentance process, I will begin to feel less and less pain from my past and will be able to learn from it. I sometimes preach, but don't take the advice for myself. I was talking to Andee about this post a little bit before and she said that the first year is the hardest. I'm beginning to believe it. And what Kiley has said (she had a little boy almost 2 years ago and placed for adoption. I went to high school with her.), "The hole in my heart gradually gets smaller but it never goes away."

Yep, I took this picture of the Salt Lake Temple. I know when you look at this and think, Stefanie has this hidden talent of some photog skills and made this Temple look absolutely gorgeous. It already is gorgeous, how can you not look at it and think, "I'd love to get married there." I do every time I see it.

I need to see my goal. And remember the Atonement, there was a quote by C.S. Lewis. Oh what a spiritual man. He said, "He [Christ] has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man in the world."

I almost feel when I compare what I've done in my life to Christ's atonement. What I've done isn't nearly as bad as what Christ had to go through and I'm grateful that He has. To remind me what I need to be grateful for. And that because of that sacrifice alone, I can return to him, I can repent and become clean, pure, and worthy again.

I hope this has helped someone who has struggled with some of the same things that I have had such as becoming worthy again, and that it IS possible. Trust me.

I have reminders everyday of how lucky I am to be here and it's these two faces right here:

I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world.

Open Heart in Church.

Well, this past Sunday I had a very humbling experience. I have actually bore my testimony twice this year in Church. Not at the pulpit or anything, but in Relief Society. First at Tayler's singles ward. Then at my single's ward.

So yesterday, I had the feeling in my heart that I should bear my testimony about Olivia. I get a lot of people who say,"You're so great with being open about your adoption." At least on my blog, and in high school presentations. I don't get nervous in front of people talking about it. But in Church, I was the most nervous I have ever been. I really didn't think I needed to go up and speak. If you recall, my resolution was to bear my testimony every fast Sunday (1st Sunday of the month).

And it was more apparent that I needed to in Relief Society when Katie gave this BEAUTIFUL lesson on the heart. I'll kind of go into her lesson because I LOVED it and I take notes.

What does the heart stand for?

• Revelation
• Pure Intentions
• Purity and Sanctification
• Marriage (Being of one heart)
• Charity and Service
• Testimony
• Gospel
• Humility (Broken Heart)

What we touched on in the lesson was a Change of Heart.

In Ezekiel 36:26 it says, "A new heart also I will give you, and a new spirit will I put with you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh."

How do you have a change of heart or soften your heart of stone?

• Humble yourself.
• Learn from your trials.

In sacrament meeting, this boy was saying that in family prayer his mom asked for the Lord to remove the thorn from his side (his challenge he was going through). And the revelation that she had was that the Lord would not take the thorn from his side but that he had to learn something.

• Having a change of heart is a constant process.

Preserving The Heart's Might Change- Article by Elder Dale Renlund

• You need to have the desire to change.

In my experience, I have been in and out of living the Gospel standard's the past 5 years. I didn't finally have a change of heart until Nic had broken up with me and set the example for me to go back to Church. Only to know that the Lord was looking out for me and for little Olivia. He was guiding to me to where I needed to go and seek help.

The next topic we talked about was - Written on your heart

2nd Corinthians 3:3 says, "Forasmuch as ye are manifestly declared to be the epistle of Christ ministered by us, written not with ink, but with the Spirit of the living God; not in the tables of stone, but in the fleshy tables of the heart."

What does it mean to have it written upon your heart?

• Keep dear to you.
• Resolution- Embedded in your heart.
• Permanent reminder.
• Goes beyond knowledge. (Always in my mind, Forever in my heart)

I like what one girl said that your heart is a vital organ. You can't live without it. And so what is written on your heart is the thing that you can't live without.

"What you do is what you feel about what you know."

We did also touch on having a broken heart.

Having a broken heart can mean being humble. That's what it means in most of the scriptures. Coming unto the Lord with a broken heart and a contrite Spirit. My bishop was sitting in the meeting that he has a daughter, and how much he remembers having a broken heart at that age, that there is so much emotion and pain. And not that the Lord wants you to have this pain but to know that you are hurt and that the only way you can feel happiness is towards the Lord.

I remember sitting in the meeting and just thinking, throughout the past 5 years I have dealt with so much heart break, mostly just from trials and mistakes that I put upon myself. Knowing that I wouldn't have had to deal with it if I just stayed on the right path. But I knew I had to learn something and I asked in my heart, "Why did I have to break my heart over and over again?" And the answer struck me INSTANTLY and it said, "So you could learn to get it right."

I remember saying that as I was bearing my testimony. I don't know what it was, it was so hard for me to say that I had Olivia. In a Church setting anyway, I've always felt like people would say, "She had a baby out of wedlock. She is a sinner." But that's not the way I was feeling as I was standing up there and sitting back down after speaking. I felt an enormous amount of love. I felt like I had gone to Church carrying this burden, this dark secret, and that's not what Olivia is to me. I don't want her to be this secret in my life, she is a BIG part of it. I wasn't going to go around and announce it. I thought it was appropriate enough to share it with my relief society.

I expressed that I have a 4 1/2 month old daughter that I placed for adoption. And told them about the feeling about having my heart broken over and over again. That I know in my heart, what I did was right for her. And that I came back to Church with my proud to heart, to have a family and do it right this time around. That I'm also grateful for the opportunity someday to be married in the temple and sealed and have an eternal family. That I understand the atonement, and that what the Lord did for his Son was the hardest thing to do. But He gave Him the world and He gave us, Him. Probably the greatest gift that we'll ever be given and I gave her the greatest gift that I could. I broke my heart, to give her more.

I had a VERY sweet girl write me a note saying that she was adopted and that she appreciated my Testimony that even though I don't see the sacrifices that I'm making now, that Olivia will be so grateful for it later. That her adoptive parents gave her more then what her biological parents could give her and she was grateful for it. It really touched my heart.

Another girl came up and said to me that she loved my testimony as well. That is how she got her nephew is through adoption and that it has completed her family. I honestly LOVE adoption. How can you not when you hear things like that?

I also got the feeling that I needed that support in Church. That I knew that there were other people who have been blessed through adoption and that I should look at it like I was this dirty thing and didn't deserve to be there. I'm grateful to having to learn that lesson for myself. A lot of people pray that this trial will be taken away from them, but have you ever prayed and said you were grateful for the trial and hope to grow stronger from it? Or to help you from the trial and what you need to learn? Just something to think about. :)