So, I am planning on going on a trip to Virginia. I have my plane tickets :]
I'm going the 7th-14th. They were the cheapest ones I could find. I was going to go the 8th-14th but the ticket went up about 50 bucks. Then I checked the 7th and it was the same price as the 8th through the 14th the day before. So it's at like 340. It's expensive. I know. But SO worth it. I don't think I could find a better deal. And it's non-stop both ways. I'm going to be 29-30 weeks pregnant. I don't want to be stopping and getting on different flights.
I'm excited :]
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow at 11 in the morning.
I have group tonight. The delivery nurse will be there this time.
But I'm kind of excited to be starting school fall 2010. I'm thinking of getting my generals at UVU. Then I might go to a Sonography program to be an ultrasound tech. It's a lot of school but I'm figuring out now, maybe dental assisting isn't the best for me. I think if I do anything in that field it will be an orthodontic assistant. I will be looking for jobs as an ortho assistant a few months after I have Olivia. My boss says if I stay at the Dubs I could be a manager there. Ha. Yessssssssssssssss.
I'll probably work days as an ortho assistant and then nights at the Dubs. Make and save money for school.
I've been looking online for a Sonography program, I found I could go to Utah State and they don't have their own program but they are academic partners with Weber State with their sonography program. I'm going to see which would be better for me. :]
I think it would just be cool to have a ton of knowledge on things and get a job as a dental assistant or as an utlrasound tech or a McDonald's manager (oh, my dream come true).
Anyway, my friend let me borrow the first season of Gossip Girl. So I might go watch that.
The Cougar finale is on tonight. If you don't know what that is, it's kind of like the Bachelorette. Except the girl is like 40 and dating 20 year old men. It's down to the last two. I hope she chooses Colt.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Hackers :[
So, I'm pretty sure I've been hacked in my Hotmail and my Facebook. I've had to change my passwords everytime to get onto them. And now Facebook won't send me a reset password so I've made a new e-mail and facebook. I can still get on my old hotmail account. I just won't be using it. So if you would like my new e-mail, e-mail my old account and I'll e-mail it to you.
Now I've gotten that out of the way. We'll talk about my date. This will be sort of funny because he has a facebook. He will probably get on here and read this and think I'm a FREAK. Go figure. Who doesn't?
This is how I looked.
24 weeks baby. I got nothin'. I'm going to talk to my doctor about this because I think I'm WAY small to be 24 weeks. I just want to make sure Olivia is growing alright in there.
I know my date from work, I actually knew him before he went on his mission. I was 16 and he was 19. Now I'm 19 and he's 21. WHAT. Anyway, he came to my house and picked me up and met my parents. Then we went to Applebee's. We decided we were going to go see Terminator so I had the idea to go get candy at Wal*Mart because it was so much cheaper there then it was at the movies. We got our candy and as we were walking out, guess who was walking in? You got it baby, N was. Ha. We exchanged quick hi's. But I wanted to book it out of there. My date didn't know who he was so luckily, it was not awkward for him.
So before Terminator we played in the arcade in the theater. One of the games at my dollar in quarters. :[ we were in an intense ninja killing game. Then he took me home and walked me to my door and gave him a goodnight hug. The end.
It was fun being out with him. I had a good time. :] It wasn't boring or anything. We mostly talked about work. Go figure.
Let's see. My reaction to seeing N. I noticed he looked at my date. But I was sort of happy to see him seeing me moving on. It was sort of an accomplishment. And he's probably laughing at this while writing this. But this is not for his benefit. Then I got to thinking, if N came into my work with another girl. I would probably cry and want to die at the same time.
Earlier on Saturday at work, I got ambushed by the mexican mafia. Ha. No, these ladies at work had told me that I shouldn't place my baby up for adoption. At the time I thought I was keeping so they were like, that's good. They found out that I was placing. And they all came over and talked to me about it. They told me I was going to be a bad mom for placing. They told me that I could be the dad too and I didn't need to have N around or another guy. Ugh, as much as I would LOVE to be two people. Can't happen. But they wouldn't drop it. It annoyed me a lot. One of the ladies mom came over and told me that she would have my baby. And I was like, "Uh, no thanks." I started ignoring them and trying to think of things to do so I could have an excuse not to talk to them. They were telling me that if I wasn't making enough money I could get money from the state and get foodstamps. Uh, sorry, I'm pretty big on not having my kid live on welfare. Olivia deserves SO much more than I can give her.
At work, there were a few new people who annoyed me A LOT. I used to be just a regular, nice blunt person. Kind of joke about things. But lately, I've been a blunt beewitch. If you know what mean. I made a list of salad dressings that needed to get done. Saturdays are pretty busy so we needed to get them done. It was a pretty long list. The new people would stare at it. Kind of joke about it and be like, "Are you kidding me?! THIS IS SO MUCH!" I'm like, Yes, that's why we need to do it now to get it done. We have until 3-5 to do it. I made the list at 1:30. It didn't get started until an hour later because I had to set everything out for them :[ I made a few statements that I'm sure they didn't appreciate. They were looking at it for about the 39487294792384 time and I said, "Hey, I didn't make that list for you to stare at, I made it for you to do something." They kind of laughed it off like I was joking. The person who was helping bring the food out on the trays, they were standing there, not busy at all. And I said, "Hey, since you have the time to stand there, you can stand by the dressings an do them." There was probably much hate in their heart.
Anyway, today I went to a friend's ward and it was probably a good thing. My singles ward lesson was on LDS family services and adoption. Go figure. I learned that my family ward had the same one and that they talk about it once a year. And I got to miss it. But RuthAnn told me it was probably a good thing cause I didn't need to hear it. It also would've been awkward for me. I got irritated because people were texting me about it and I'm like, What exactly do you want me to say that? Cool?
I had NO idea. I couldn't magically make myself appear. There was a part of me that was mad because I didn't get to hear what other people said about it and I wasn't in the room. And I also was just upset from the day before from the people I work with telling me I was a bad mom for placing. I stopped hanging out with my friend and I just drove off in my car to the nearest park and BAWLED. There are just some days for me that I don't want to hear or talk about placing. And that time was the exact moment I didn't want to hear anything. I was frustrated for not being there. I was frustrated because if I was there then I would've just felt awkward. I was frustrated that I couldn't keep Olivia as much as I would love to. I was frustrated that people at work would badger me about my personal life. I was frustrated that I've been judged for being pregnant and single. I was frustrated at N for getting me pregnant (HA!). I was to the point that all of that frustration came out into heaps of tears. There are times that you truly just need to be alone and cry. And it's been a while where I've thought that I've been alone in this whole situation. More so in the beginning, I felt alone because N wasn't around. But at the same time I felt like there were so many people around me, huddling around me, keeping a close eye about what would happen, what decision I would make. It was a TON of weight on my shoulders. And then the weight had been lifted since I knew I was going to place. Then the weight came back on when people would tell me, I'm a bad mom for not keeping my daughter. Or I needed to give my daughter to them. Or they would watch my daughter for me until I was ready to have her back. That's NOTHING that I needed to hear. I didn't really want to hear anything. I wanted to block out what everyone was saying. Live in la-la land have Olivia and get out. Feel nothing, no emotion, just be happy that she'll be happy. But of course, I'm a girl, I'm carrying Olivia, I'm giving her life, I'm letting another family have the opprotunity to have kids. So it brings out A LOT of emotion. My bawling was an UGLY cry, you know, I haven't cried like that in a while. Not since me and N had broken up. When I've cried in front of people I don't let it all out. I HATE crying in front of people. I hate showing my emotion. Go figure pregnant hormones. My constant companion. I remember I was thinking and frustrated that N had abandoned our daughter. He abandoned me, he abandoned EVERYTHING. It hurt me inside because this sweet angel inside of me is the only thing that can make me happy. I don't see why he would want to be away from all that.
After my ugly cry session, I felt fine. I came home and ate dinner with my family. It hurts me to hide everything. It's hurt me to pretend that everything had been alright. Because there are days that I doubt that placing would be the best for her. But I know at the end of the day it will be the best for her. For me, after it's been done and finalized I will be in a numb state. Trust me. I will want to be alone. So if I don't answer your calls, e-mails, texts, whatever. It's probably one of those days. Just know, I'm alright on my own and I'll come to you if I need anything or I'll return your call.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.
Now I've gotten that out of the way. We'll talk about my date. This will be sort of funny because he has a facebook. He will probably get on here and read this and think I'm a FREAK. Go figure. Who doesn't?
This is how I looked.
24 weeks baby. I got nothin'. I'm going to talk to my doctor about this because I think I'm WAY small to be 24 weeks. I just want to make sure Olivia is growing alright in there.
I know my date from work, I actually knew him before he went on his mission. I was 16 and he was 19. Now I'm 19 and he's 21. WHAT. Anyway, he came to my house and picked me up and met my parents. Then we went to Applebee's. We decided we were going to go see Terminator so I had the idea to go get candy at Wal*Mart because it was so much cheaper there then it was at the movies. We got our candy and as we were walking out, guess who was walking in? You got it baby, N was. Ha. We exchanged quick hi's. But I wanted to book it out of there. My date didn't know who he was so luckily, it was not awkward for him.
So before Terminator we played in the arcade in the theater. One of the games at my dollar in quarters. :[ we were in an intense ninja killing game. Then he took me home and walked me to my door and gave him a goodnight hug. The end.
It was fun being out with him. I had a good time. :] It wasn't boring or anything. We mostly talked about work. Go figure.
Let's see. My reaction to seeing N. I noticed he looked at my date. But I was sort of happy to see him seeing me moving on. It was sort of an accomplishment. And he's probably laughing at this while writing this. But this is not for his benefit. Then I got to thinking, if N came into my work with another girl. I would probably cry and want to die at the same time.
Earlier on Saturday at work, I got ambushed by the mexican mafia. Ha. No, these ladies at work had told me that I shouldn't place my baby up for adoption. At the time I thought I was keeping so they were like, that's good. They found out that I was placing. And they all came over and talked to me about it. They told me I was going to be a bad mom for placing. They told me that I could be the dad too and I didn't need to have N around or another guy. Ugh, as much as I would LOVE to be two people. Can't happen. But they wouldn't drop it. It annoyed me a lot. One of the ladies mom came over and told me that she would have my baby. And I was like, "Uh, no thanks." I started ignoring them and trying to think of things to do so I could have an excuse not to talk to them. They were telling me that if I wasn't making enough money I could get money from the state and get foodstamps. Uh, sorry, I'm pretty big on not having my kid live on welfare. Olivia deserves SO much more than I can give her.
At work, there were a few new people who annoyed me A LOT. I used to be just a regular, nice blunt person. Kind of joke about things. But lately, I've been a blunt beewitch. If you know what mean. I made a list of salad dressings that needed to get done. Saturdays are pretty busy so we needed to get them done. It was a pretty long list. The new people would stare at it. Kind of joke about it and be like, "Are you kidding me?! THIS IS SO MUCH!" I'm like, Yes, that's why we need to do it now to get it done. We have until 3-5 to do it. I made the list at 1:30. It didn't get started until an hour later because I had to set everything out for them :[ I made a few statements that I'm sure they didn't appreciate. They were looking at it for about the 39487294792384 time and I said, "Hey, I didn't make that list for you to stare at, I made it for you to do something." They kind of laughed it off like I was joking. The person who was helping bring the food out on the trays, they were standing there, not busy at all. And I said, "Hey, since you have the time to stand there, you can stand by the dressings an do them." There was probably much hate in their heart.
Anyway, today I went to a friend's ward and it was probably a good thing. My singles ward lesson was on LDS family services and adoption. Go figure. I learned that my family ward had the same one and that they talk about it once a year. And I got to miss it. But RuthAnn told me it was probably a good thing cause I didn't need to hear it. It also would've been awkward for me. I got irritated because people were texting me about it and I'm like, What exactly do you want me to say that? Cool?
I had NO idea. I couldn't magically make myself appear. There was a part of me that was mad because I didn't get to hear what other people said about it and I wasn't in the room. And I also was just upset from the day before from the people I work with telling me I was a bad mom for placing. I stopped hanging out with my friend and I just drove off in my car to the nearest park and BAWLED. There are just some days for me that I don't want to hear or talk about placing. And that time was the exact moment I didn't want to hear anything. I was frustrated for not being there. I was frustrated because if I was there then I would've just felt awkward. I was frustrated that I couldn't keep Olivia as much as I would love to. I was frustrated that people at work would badger me about my personal life. I was frustrated that I've been judged for being pregnant and single. I was frustrated at N for getting me pregnant (HA!). I was to the point that all of that frustration came out into heaps of tears. There are times that you truly just need to be alone and cry. And it's been a while where I've thought that I've been alone in this whole situation. More so in the beginning, I felt alone because N wasn't around. But at the same time I felt like there were so many people around me, huddling around me, keeping a close eye about what would happen, what decision I would make. It was a TON of weight on my shoulders. And then the weight had been lifted since I knew I was going to place. Then the weight came back on when people would tell me, I'm a bad mom for not keeping my daughter. Or I needed to give my daughter to them. Or they would watch my daughter for me until I was ready to have her back. That's NOTHING that I needed to hear. I didn't really want to hear anything. I wanted to block out what everyone was saying. Live in la-la land have Olivia and get out. Feel nothing, no emotion, just be happy that she'll be happy. But of course, I'm a girl, I'm carrying Olivia, I'm giving her life, I'm letting another family have the opprotunity to have kids. So it brings out A LOT of emotion. My bawling was an UGLY cry, you know, I haven't cried like that in a while. Not since me and N had broken up. When I've cried in front of people I don't let it all out. I HATE crying in front of people. I hate showing my emotion. Go figure pregnant hormones. My constant companion. I remember I was thinking and frustrated that N had abandoned our daughter. He abandoned me, he abandoned EVERYTHING. It hurt me inside because this sweet angel inside of me is the only thing that can make me happy. I don't see why he would want to be away from all that.
After my ugly cry session, I felt fine. I came home and ate dinner with my family. It hurts me to hide everything. It's hurt me to pretend that everything had been alright. Because there are days that I doubt that placing would be the best for her. But I know at the end of the day it will be the best for her. For me, after it's been done and finalized I will be in a numb state. Trust me. I will want to be alone. So if I don't answer your calls, e-mails, texts, whatever. It's probably one of those days. Just know, I'm alright on my own and I'll come to you if I need anything or I'll return your call.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Sad Session
First question: Who will be your "breathing coach?" Your parents? Or what?
First answer: I know for sure, I probably won't be taking any birthing classes. Ha, for some reason, I don't find them necessary. At group, a girl who has had two babies, she's parenting one and placed the other, that the nurses and doctors basically help you out or notice you're not breathing, they'll tell you to breathe. So I'm not worried about classes, or breathing. So nurses and doctors will be my guide.
I had a session today with Loni. Basically, I bawled the WHOLE time.
Which was weird because I wasn't in a crying mood at all. I've been pretty cheerful. I think she just hit some major issues or nerves. Who knows? We were talking about our "Self Behavior System." How you're most defined by what your parents tell you. Like if your parents tell you, you're pretty, or outgoing, or obnoxious, you try to find Validation of Truth. Like if someone else tells you you're pretty then you have your validation so you have your identity as pretty and you behave pretty. Or if someone tells you you're obnoxious, you have confirmation, that's what you identify within yourself, and you behave obnoxiously. I think one of mine was black sheep. I had always been defined the black sheep of the family. So my validation was, people would tell me, or I would live a different standard then from my sisters. So that's my identity. So I would behave and have a different standard from the rest of my family. So we were talking about how to get out of that sort of thing is to kind of go backwards. You change your behavior, you re-identify yourself, you get validation that you have changed, and then you believe-- I'm changed. Then I guess it just kind of hit me that she was saying to me that I've come a LONG way and I'm already in the process of re-identifying myself. And that I used to not be so close to my family and then that's all I have surrounding me in my life right now. I don't really talk to anyone about anything unless it's my sisters or my mom or V. I basically consider her family. Baby connection :]
I guess what got on the belief system is that I told her I was going out tomorrow with this guy ya know? And I just was like, I don't think I should be going out with him because of my circumstances. He's a good guy, return missionary, I'm working on everything in my life. I know right now I don't want to be focused on dating but it's good to have friends to hang out with. I just don't want other people to think, oh she's pregnant, she'll corrupt him. But I haven't really gotten that response. I've told people and they're like, "REALLY?! THAT'S COOL!" People at work anyway because they know him and me. And I'll be his first date since his mission. I'm okay with that. I actually worked with him for a few hours today. He wanted to take me out for Mexican food. BLAST.
Mexican food gives me massive headaches.
Anyway, so in the end of the belief system she got to the point that I had a belief for a while, that I don't deserve happiness. I deserve to be alone. I don't deserve the best guy. So my validation is I'm in bad boyfriend land. Then my identity is, "you suck." Then my behavior is, "I'm going to do ANYTHING to keep you from leaving me." So I need to go back and change my behavior to, "I'm okay with being with you or without you." Then my identity would be, "I'm awesome." My validation would be, "Good boyfriend land." Then my belief would be, "I deserve happiness. I don't deserve to be alone (but be okay with being alone). And I do deserve the best guy. And she was telling me that N was missing out on a lot but that it was alright and I deserved better. I'm bawling at this point. And she wanted to know what was hurting me the most and I told her that I felt like I never got the chance to get over N. I found out I was pregnant with his kid after we broke up. So after Olivia is born it's like I'm losing two of the greatest people in my life.
Then we talked about the grieving process. That there are 6 steps. The last one kind of stays where it is. But that's how I'll be going through with all of this.
1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Numb
6. Acceptance
And she asked me where I was with N in the grieving process and I said between 3&4. Yeah, probably the hardest ones. Then she said that since I do have a connection with N because of Olivia it will take a lot longer for me to let go. And that I need to take as long as I can because if I just pretend he never existed then I couldn't go to places that reminded me of him or do things or see things that reminded me of him and the grieving process would come back 10 times harder. And I want to see Olivia because I know that when I see her, I'll think of him. I mean come on, I know we haven't been together for almost 6 months. Each year that she gets older, I'll remember how long It'll be since me and N hadn't been together. I know. I'm SUPER dumb to even be thinking about him like that, "Boo, N hasn't be in my life for 6 months." But with Olivia, he's been apart of a HUGE life experience for me and I can't let go of that... yet.
There are days that I get REALLY angry with N. Well, of course, I don't ever let him know that I'm angry with him because it's not even a big deal. There are days where I'm like, "Hello, he told me one time that he would help buy maternity clothes because he never gets pregnant. From now on he should be buying things for Olivia. Buy me a plane ticket to Virginia to see D and V." Yeah, it's just really stupid things. Also, I've been mad about involvement for some reason, I don't know what it is, I have to always contact him or text him, and that's bothered me so I've been thinking if she asks me when she's older about him, all I'm really going to tell her is that he was the sperm donor. That he wasn't really involved in anything. But I want him to know, I don't want to have to tell her that unless he wants me to. I think what he can do is write her letters or whatever. Think of questions and answer them so that way she can kind of know who her birth dad is. Or maybe send her birthday cards for her birthday. I know I'll be flying out there for his birthday every year.
Then I get sad because I think about getting over him and then have a constant reminder of Olivia. Part me/part him. So I asked Loni what was appropriate to talk to him about or when I can contact him. And she told me I could tell him legitimate things like, "Hey, I'm feeling sick or bad, keep us in your prayers." Or I can tell him how the doctors appointments with. Because I made it clear that I only wanted him there for the ultrasound (check) and the birth. I'm kind of changing my whole thing about him being at the whole birth. Like it would be cool to have him there. But then at the same time, I don't want him to be awkward, so I don't know. It might change that he can come after I have her. Sign his rights away. See her. Then leave.
I don't know how long D and V will be out here. I know for sure about a week. But I want anyone who lives close by, friends or family of D and V, can come to my house and visit her. Or if N's family wants to see her. My friends and family, I'm totally open. The more people who see Olivia and know her, the better. :]
Has anyone had a charlie horse in their nose? I have. It hurts. :[
With the Q&A in the beginning. Just a reminder. I might be doing a Q&A blog if I have enough questions from people. If not, I'll be answering whatever questions I get in the beginning of each blog entry I write. So you can ask me via comment. Or you can contact me via facebook or e-mail if you don't want people to know it's you. Yep. That's all. It's late. Night :]
First answer: I know for sure, I probably won't be taking any birthing classes. Ha, for some reason, I don't find them necessary. At group, a girl who has had two babies, she's parenting one and placed the other, that the nurses and doctors basically help you out or notice you're not breathing, they'll tell you to breathe. So I'm not worried about classes, or breathing. So nurses and doctors will be my guide.
I had a session today with Loni. Basically, I bawled the WHOLE time.
Which was weird because I wasn't in a crying mood at all. I've been pretty cheerful. I think she just hit some major issues or nerves. Who knows? We were talking about our "Self Behavior System." How you're most defined by what your parents tell you. Like if your parents tell you, you're pretty, or outgoing, or obnoxious, you try to find Validation of Truth. Like if someone else tells you you're pretty then you have your validation so you have your identity as pretty and you behave pretty. Or if someone tells you you're obnoxious, you have confirmation, that's what you identify within yourself, and you behave obnoxiously. I think one of mine was black sheep. I had always been defined the black sheep of the family. So my validation was, people would tell me, or I would live a different standard then from my sisters. So that's my identity. So I would behave and have a different standard from the rest of my family. So we were talking about how to get out of that sort of thing is to kind of go backwards. You change your behavior, you re-identify yourself, you get validation that you have changed, and then you believe-- I'm changed. Then I guess it just kind of hit me that she was saying to me that I've come a LONG way and I'm already in the process of re-identifying myself. And that I used to not be so close to my family and then that's all I have surrounding me in my life right now. I don't really talk to anyone about anything unless it's my sisters or my mom or V. I basically consider her family. Baby connection :]
I guess what got on the belief system is that I told her I was going out tomorrow with this guy ya know? And I just was like, I don't think I should be going out with him because of my circumstances. He's a good guy, return missionary, I'm working on everything in my life. I know right now I don't want to be focused on dating but it's good to have friends to hang out with. I just don't want other people to think, oh she's pregnant, she'll corrupt him. But I haven't really gotten that response. I've told people and they're like, "REALLY?! THAT'S COOL!" People at work anyway because they know him and me. And I'll be his first date since his mission. I'm okay with that. I actually worked with him for a few hours today. He wanted to take me out for Mexican food. BLAST.
Mexican food gives me massive headaches.
Anyway, so in the end of the belief system she got to the point that I had a belief for a while, that I don't deserve happiness. I deserve to be alone. I don't deserve the best guy. So my validation is I'm in bad boyfriend land. Then my identity is, "you suck." Then my behavior is, "I'm going to do ANYTHING to keep you from leaving me." So I need to go back and change my behavior to, "I'm okay with being with you or without you." Then my identity would be, "I'm awesome." My validation would be, "Good boyfriend land." Then my belief would be, "I deserve happiness. I don't deserve to be alone (but be okay with being alone). And I do deserve the best guy. And she was telling me that N was missing out on a lot but that it was alright and I deserved better. I'm bawling at this point. And she wanted to know what was hurting me the most and I told her that I felt like I never got the chance to get over N. I found out I was pregnant with his kid after we broke up. So after Olivia is born it's like I'm losing two of the greatest people in my life.
Then we talked about the grieving process. That there are 6 steps. The last one kind of stays where it is. But that's how I'll be going through with all of this.
1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Numb
6. Acceptance
And she asked me where I was with N in the grieving process and I said between 3&4. Yeah, probably the hardest ones. Then she said that since I do have a connection with N because of Olivia it will take a lot longer for me to let go. And that I need to take as long as I can because if I just pretend he never existed then I couldn't go to places that reminded me of him or do things or see things that reminded me of him and the grieving process would come back 10 times harder. And I want to see Olivia because I know that when I see her, I'll think of him. I mean come on, I know we haven't been together for almost 6 months. Each year that she gets older, I'll remember how long It'll be since me and N hadn't been together. I know. I'm SUPER dumb to even be thinking about him like that, "Boo, N hasn't be in my life for 6 months." But with Olivia, he's been apart of a HUGE life experience for me and I can't let go of that... yet.
There are days that I get REALLY angry with N. Well, of course, I don't ever let him know that I'm angry with him because it's not even a big deal. There are days where I'm like, "Hello, he told me one time that he would help buy maternity clothes because he never gets pregnant. From now on he should be buying things for Olivia. Buy me a plane ticket to Virginia to see D and V." Yeah, it's just really stupid things. Also, I've been mad about involvement for some reason, I don't know what it is, I have to always contact him or text him, and that's bothered me so I've been thinking if she asks me when she's older about him, all I'm really going to tell her is that he was the sperm donor. That he wasn't really involved in anything. But I want him to know, I don't want to have to tell her that unless he wants me to. I think what he can do is write her letters or whatever. Think of questions and answer them so that way she can kind of know who her birth dad is. Or maybe send her birthday cards for her birthday. I know I'll be flying out there for his birthday every year.
Then I get sad because I think about getting over him and then have a constant reminder of Olivia. Part me/part him. So I asked Loni what was appropriate to talk to him about or when I can contact him. And she told me I could tell him legitimate things like, "Hey, I'm feeling sick or bad, keep us in your prayers." Or I can tell him how the doctors appointments with. Because I made it clear that I only wanted him there for the ultrasound (check) and the birth. I'm kind of changing my whole thing about him being at the whole birth. Like it would be cool to have him there. But then at the same time, I don't want him to be awkward, so I don't know. It might change that he can come after I have her. Sign his rights away. See her. Then leave.
I don't know how long D and V will be out here. I know for sure about a week. But I want anyone who lives close by, friends or family of D and V, can come to my house and visit her. Or if N's family wants to see her. My friends and family, I'm totally open. The more people who see Olivia and know her, the better. :]
Has anyone had a charlie horse in their nose? I have. It hurts. :[
With the Q&A in the beginning. Just a reminder. I might be doing a Q&A blog if I have enough questions from people. If not, I'll be answering whatever questions I get in the beginning of each blog entry I write. So you can ask me via comment. Or you can contact me via facebook or e-mail if you don't want people to know it's you. Yep. That's all. It's late. Night :]
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Public
My blog was public, then I made it private. Because I didn't want the Olivia's dad to know anything unless he came to me about it. But he knows everything now. So I made it public so that way Valery and Dustinn's family can get to know me and about Olivia :]
That's all I wanted to post. Nothing amazing has happened. I went to group last night at LDS family services. It was fun because there were a few new girls there. There was supposed to be a delivery nurse there or something and we were going to ask her questions. But I guess she forgot. So we discussed about what will be happening through labor. Ha. Everyone was so interested. And like every time they brought up something, I was like WHAT?! It freaked me out MORE. ha. Then it made me laugh that they said something about how no one wanted to hear about horror stories and then we got on that topic. I'm like, STOP! PLEASE! Me and two other girls on the same couch were that way. But it was all fun. A girl brought her boyfriend. Baha, I bet he felt SUPER awkward. I DID and I'm the one having Olivia! ha.
Anyway, I thought of an idea. If anyone had questions. I might do a Q&A blog. Or maybe if I'm not getting enough questions then I'll just post the ones I get that week. You can ask me ANYTHING. I'm a pretty open person. You can ask me about placing, adoption, baby daddy, whatev, life now with Olivia, after Olivia, what I'm doing. Shoot. I can't think of anything else you can ask me. If you have a pretty private question and you don't want people to know you're asking me you can contact me via e-mail: Stefaniejinelle@hotmail.com
Or you can just leave me questions on comments.
Or if we're friends on Facebook, you can ask me there.
Oh yeah, if I do go visit Valery and Dustinn before she's born I wanted to go out there and do a 3d/4d ultrasound out there. But of course, I need to be saving up the money. So it wouldn't be until July. Or whenever there are cheap plane tickets. Aw, I think Olivia is excited to meet Val&Dustinn. She just kicked me. :]
Here are some pictures.
This was my belly at 18 weeks.
This is my belly at 23 weeks.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
23 weeks.
Man, I can't believe on Friday I'll be 24 weeks along. 6 months pregnant! Say what?! Yeah, not a big deal. But still, time FLIES. I'm sure that it'll get slower now that I'll be going through a lot more discomfort. I feel it sometimes. I woke up the other morning and my belly was sore. Pretty sure Olivia had been kicking all night or something. I will sometimes remember waking up to her kicks. She's pretty powerful.
Oh yeah, RuthAnn was SO excited on Friday when we watched 7 pounds at Whitney's house because Olivia was kicking and rolling around. RuthAnn was the first one to feel her kick. Olivia has been more open to letting people feel her. She had been shy for a while because I would put peoples hands on my belly and she'd immediately stop. But after they took it off she'd start kicking away. She only felt comfortable me feeling her. Ha, I gave RuthAnn the honor over Facebook that she's the first. And RuthAnn wrote, "That's RIGHT! It was a pretty hard kick too. She has my strength."
Let's see. I'm trying to think of what to write because I haven't updated in a... week. HA. Way to go. I try to do what I can.
Nothing really exciting is happening.
Yesterday I worked and I honestly saw almost everyone's family but N. It was like a F family reunion. Sort of. His brother and sister in-law came into my work with their family. Then I went and saw Terminator Salvation with RuthAnn and his older brother that I worked with at JCW's was there. Awkward? Probably. I only saw the first hour of Terminator because the projector broke. But we did get a refund on our ticket and got a free movie ticket. Bring it!
I do get to go see it again on Saturday with a boy from work. Yep. His name is Matt. He's a RM. I was just like, "When are we going to hang out?" And he's like, "How about Saturday? Want to see a movie?" I'm like, "Okay! I'll finish Terminator!" I don't know if I would call it a date. 1) I don't want to because I'll freak myself out and not want to go anymore. 2) Just me going out on dates is super weird to me. Being around boys? What? I can still do that when I'm pregnant with another guys baby? I guess so. It'll definitely be different and will have to get used to it for a while after I have Olivia.
I decided that I'm going to stop externing and just wait until after I have Olivia. I'll find another place and see if they'll train me and hire me. I'm not getting enough hours in the week. 3 days a week for 3-5 hours just isn't going to happen. And I don't feel dedicated because I do have a job that makes money and I'm pregnant. I have a lot of other things to worry about.
I went to the mall today with my friend Kaila. I got pretzel bites and they were AMAZING. I hadn't had those in a while. We went to Orange Julius and I got a orangeberry sunrise. Yeah, it's as good as the name sounds. I think that's the only way Olivia will be getting any type of fruit or something because I hate the texture of fruit. So I might need to buy like 80 smoothies with all sorts of fruit in them. Let's see. I got two shirts from American Eagle. Buy one get one 50% off. American Eagle jeans. I like them A LOT. And they stretch. Perfect. Then I got two necklaces at Forever 21. Both 5 dollars each. One is an anchor and the other is an owl. They brought joy to my soul. That's about it.
Oh good, right before me and Kaila walked into the mall, an old guy fell. It was THE saddest moment of my life. I wanted to cry. It was right outside of CPK and I saw him kind of just fall sort of pass out. He looked like he was trying to stop himself and then his leg hit a rock. I guess his head did too because it cracked open and he was bleeding. But that is SO sad. Me and Kaila waited while the girl who was with him ran inside CPK to get help. I was like, "Are you okay?" He responded, "Yeah." I'm sure he was embarrassed. If it was me, I would've said, "What the heck do you think? I fell over and my head is bleeding, are you calling 911 or staring?" I hope he's okay. He'll be in my prayers tonight.
We got really bored today at work. It was pretty slow. Then like an hour before we closed it got SO busy. We were all very angry about this.
But this is what a girl did during a slow time.
Those pants that I'm wearing are magic pants. Because they randomly showed up in my laundry pile. I have no idea who owns these pants. I asked my sisters and they said they weren't theirs. They're probably Katrina's. Are you missing any Buckle jeans? If so, they fit my body perfectly and you might not ever get them back. :] My mom and I discussed that God probably thought I needed pants.
Remember how Jasper used to be this cute cuddly kitten? He has turned into a vicious monster. He will bite, scratch, chew on any body part that moves.
Can it be September yet? Just curious. I can't wait for D, V, and B to come out here and meet the new addition to their family. :]
Pretty much I want to fly out there ASAP and just hang out there for like a week before she's born. I think that'd be TONS of fun. But of course, I don't want to invite myself. Anyone wanting to donate money for a plane ticket to Virginia? :]
Oh yeah, RuthAnn was SO excited on Friday when we watched 7 pounds at Whitney's house because Olivia was kicking and rolling around. RuthAnn was the first one to feel her kick. Olivia has been more open to letting people feel her. She had been shy for a while because I would put peoples hands on my belly and she'd immediately stop. But after they took it off she'd start kicking away. She only felt comfortable me feeling her. Ha, I gave RuthAnn the honor over Facebook that she's the first. And RuthAnn wrote, "That's RIGHT! It was a pretty hard kick too. She has my strength."
Let's see. I'm trying to think of what to write because I haven't updated in a... week. HA. Way to go. I try to do what I can.
Nothing really exciting is happening.
Yesterday I worked and I honestly saw almost everyone's family but N. It was like a F family reunion. Sort of. His brother and sister in-law came into my work with their family. Then I went and saw Terminator Salvation with RuthAnn and his older brother that I worked with at JCW's was there. Awkward? Probably. I only saw the first hour of Terminator because the projector broke. But we did get a refund on our ticket and got a free movie ticket. Bring it!
I do get to go see it again on Saturday with a boy from work. Yep. His name is Matt. He's a RM. I was just like, "When are we going to hang out?" And he's like, "How about Saturday? Want to see a movie?" I'm like, "Okay! I'll finish Terminator!" I don't know if I would call it a date. 1) I don't want to because I'll freak myself out and not want to go anymore. 2) Just me going out on dates is super weird to me. Being around boys? What? I can still do that when I'm pregnant with another guys baby? I guess so. It'll definitely be different and will have to get used to it for a while after I have Olivia.
I decided that I'm going to stop externing and just wait until after I have Olivia. I'll find another place and see if they'll train me and hire me. I'm not getting enough hours in the week. 3 days a week for 3-5 hours just isn't going to happen. And I don't feel dedicated because I do have a job that makes money and I'm pregnant. I have a lot of other things to worry about.
I went to the mall today with my friend Kaila. I got pretzel bites and they were AMAZING. I hadn't had those in a while. We went to Orange Julius and I got a orangeberry sunrise. Yeah, it's as good as the name sounds. I think that's the only way Olivia will be getting any type of fruit or something because I hate the texture of fruit. So I might need to buy like 80 smoothies with all sorts of fruit in them. Let's see. I got two shirts from American Eagle. Buy one get one 50% off. American Eagle jeans. I like them A LOT. And they stretch. Perfect. Then I got two necklaces at Forever 21. Both 5 dollars each. One is an anchor and the other is an owl. They brought joy to my soul. That's about it.
Oh good, right before me and Kaila walked into the mall, an old guy fell. It was THE saddest moment of my life. I wanted to cry. It was right outside of CPK and I saw him kind of just fall sort of pass out. He looked like he was trying to stop himself and then his leg hit a rock. I guess his head did too because it cracked open and he was bleeding. But that is SO sad. Me and Kaila waited while the girl who was with him ran inside CPK to get help. I was like, "Are you okay?" He responded, "Yeah." I'm sure he was embarrassed. If it was me, I would've said, "What the heck do you think? I fell over and my head is bleeding, are you calling 911 or staring?" I hope he's okay. He'll be in my prayers tonight.
We got really bored today at work. It was pretty slow. Then like an hour before we closed it got SO busy. We were all very angry about this.
But this is what a girl did during a slow time.
Those pants that I'm wearing are magic pants. Because they randomly showed up in my laundry pile. I have no idea who owns these pants. I asked my sisters and they said they weren't theirs. They're probably Katrina's. Are you missing any Buckle jeans? If so, they fit my body perfectly and you might not ever get them back. :] My mom and I discussed that God probably thought I needed pants.
Remember how Jasper used to be this cute cuddly kitten? He has turned into a vicious monster. He will bite, scratch, chew on any body part that moves.
Can it be September yet? Just curious. I can't wait for D, V, and B to come out here and meet the new addition to their family. :]
Pretty much I want to fly out there ASAP and just hang out there for like a week before she's born. I think that'd be TONS of fun. But of course, I don't want to invite myself. Anyone wanting to donate money for a plane ticket to Virginia? :]
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The J's.
I decided to dedicate a post to my amazing adoptive couple and their family :]
Man, I really kind of don't have a lot to say. I just decided to post something for them since you guys don't know what they look like. But that's V and D and their son B. I hope they don't mind posting this. But don't you think a little girl would be a great addition to the family? I think so too. :]
I get a lot that me and V look-a-like and D and N look-a-like. I'll have to find a picture of me and N where we do look-a-like. I'll just post a few and you guys can determine that.
This is a picture from the roadtrip to Idaho. Ha, me and my friend Kristy pulled an all nighter the night before the roadtrip. We went to the movies and saw the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. She and I both passed out during that movie. I remember after that trip I had the biggest feeling N was going to break up with me. I told Kristy that and she told me that he wasn't going to because during the movie he was super sweet to me, I guess. Because I was sitting up and falling asleep. Then he just let me spread out across the chairs and put my head in his lap and he was playing with my hair as I fell asleep.
Anyway, do we look like D and V at all (of course, me and him are on the left in the picture above)?
Haha, I always laugh when people ask us how we met because I would just say, "He was my boss." Which was sort of true. He was the opening manager at JCW's.
ANYWAY. I'm getting off subject here. They have decided on a name and shared it with me. I don't know if they are planning on changing it at all. But they are naming her...
Olivia Kate J
Yes, so cute! I love it. :] V was telling me that she liked unique names and she liked Alyanna but wanted a more unique name and she said she wouldn't have thought of it until I said something about it. And Kate is her great-grandmothers name and her sister's name. Olivia has always felt like an Olivia to me. I don't know. I don't think me and Nic ever talked about baby names... we never really talked about marriage. haha. Come to think of it. I think we might've brought it up a few times jokingly. But we both were secretly thinking about it. But of course, being a girl in a relationship, you do think of that stuff, and I think in my mind I always knew that if me and N had a girl we would name her Olivia. And I didn't really think of a boy name. I think I thought of Gavin. But I wasn't hooked on that name anyway.
I thought I would share from the two posts below I was really bummed out about Nic and stuff. V wrote me an e-mail. And I don't know what it is. But I honestly wake up every morning and go and sit at the computer, check my e-mail to see if I got anything from them, check my facebook, and write in my blog. Little Olivia is going to be a NERD. ha. If I'm not on the computer, I'm playing Guitar Hero on my PS2. Or playing Mario Party 4 on Game Cube. Or playing Snowboard kids on N64. Baha. And Nic is a nerd too. He likes computer games such as Assassin's Creed and World of Warcraft. I remember all he talked about was getting the coolest house and having an indoor theater like he does at his parents house. He wanted every known video and computer game and every known type of gaming system from the original Nintendo to the Xbox 360. And probably the biggest Itunes collection in the world. Ha. Well, I don't know where he thought we were going to be loaded but it was his dream. All I ever dream about in my future home is some pictures of my photography on the walls in my house. If I ever get that good and get a better camera. Hey, besides being a nerd she'll hopefully be a little bit athletic. I was a cheerleader in junior high, played volleyball in elementary school for a city league, played basketball in high school. N started the Lacrosse team at Lone Peak. I don't remember if he played any other sports. Oh! I think he did some ballroom dance or something. But the only thing I'm worried about is that N had acute asthma as a child. It kind of went away when he was older. So I don't know if it'll get passed down or not. :/ I wonder if we can figure that out.But my point is, they just make my day :]
Well, I'm hanging out with Katrina and RuthAnn. We're going shopping for some cute, cheap clothes at Ross or something. Then I have to work 5 to 10:30. YAY! And P.S. I'm so happy that Adam lost on American Idol. Bleh.
Also, this song is playing on my Itunes and I kind of dubbed it mine and N's song when we were together.
You Can
David Archuleta
Take me where I've never been
Help me on my feet again
Show me that good things come to those who wait
Tell me I'm not on my own
Tell me I won't be alone
Tell me what I'm feeling isn't some mistake
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can
Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow, tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can
Baby, when you look at me
Tell me what do you see
Are these the eyes of someone you could love?
'Cause everything that brought me here
Well, now it all seems so clear
Baby, you're the one that I've been dreaming of
If anyone can make me fall in love, you can
Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow, tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love
Only you can take me sailing in your deepest eyes
Bring me to my knees and make me cry
And no one's ever done this
Everything was just a lie and I know, yes, I know
This is where it all begins
So tell me it will never end
I can't fool myself, it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow, tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can
Show me that good things come to those who wait
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