Songs That Have Meaning

Have you ever just listened to a song and you're like, oh yeah. That TOTALLY applies to me right now. And it can mean something completely different. There are two songs that I have in my mind right now that I'll tell you about. One is about adoption. One is about Jessica.

I can't get the videos to work from youtube. So... you'll need to search them.

Adoption song:

I listened to this song when I was pregnant. I'll just pick at the lyrics and I'll tell you what they mean to me.

Two Worlds Collide- Demi Lovato

She was given the world
so much that she couldn't see
And she needed someone
To show her who she could be
And she tried to survive
Wearing her heart on her sleeve
But I needed you to believe

This part reminds me of when I needed Nic I guess. I hate saying that now but in the moment I did. And when I needed to tell him that I was pregnant I just let it all out hoping that he would believe me and believe what we needed to do together. And this is the outcome.

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine.
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide.

This part of the song I believe can be played out in two different ways. One way of an adoptive mom. Given a role of being a mother but not being able to be one and a birthmom comes along and is able to give that to her. Another perspective could be a birthmom trying her hardest to be a single mom but afraid of not being able to find the right family and then finding the right ones.

She was scared of it all
Watching from far away
She was given a role
Never knew just when to play
And she tried to survive
Living a life on her own
Always afraid of the throne
But you've given me strength to find hope

Of course, this part of the chorus meant to me that telling D&V that they will be the parents. They had their dreams of being a parent and so did I (or what I wanted in the adoption). They had their fears I could back out but I knew that this is what I wanted to do. They showed me what it meant to be a family and that's what I needed to find for my daughter. And it's the world of an adoptive couple and birth parents colliding.

You had your dreams, I had mine.
You had your fears, I was fine.
You showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide.

This part always brought me to tears when I was pregnant.

She was scared.
Unprepared.
Lost in the dark
Falling apart
I can survive
With you by my side
We're gonna be all right
(We're gonna be all right)
This is what happens when two worlds collide.

I did survive. And I can survive knowing that my little Olivia is being taken care of and that I know D&V will always be by my side supporting me. It's not that they don't have to talk to me anymore because they got what they wanted. I was a big help in helping create their eternal family and it's an extreme blessing knowing that I was apart of that for them.


Jessica's song:

This song has been on the radio and just the chorus really stood out to me. Sometimes I just want to break out into tears when I hear the song. I hear her just kind of saying that to someone if she were still here or if she were to come back.




Impossible by Shontelle

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

You are strong and I was not
My illusion, My mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did, I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead and tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the skyline
All we had was gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart was broken
And my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done embarrasing me
On your own you can go ahead and tell them


Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the skyline
All we had was gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart was broken
And my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible

I love music :) I could just listen to it for hours. I'm trying to make a wedding playlist. I found the song that I'm going to use while walking down the aisle. I think it's SUPER cute.

Hung the Moon by Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors

P.S. I don't know those people in this video. I just like the song :)

If you all know of any songs that I should add to my wedding playlist that I don't have. Let me know. :)

It's all mostly just love songs. Duh. Ha. Fast or slow. Old or new. Whatever.

BYE!

Just a Glimpse

It's a pretty late night. I figured I'd just take a minute and capture everything that has happened this past weekend before I forget. Tayler came to visit for a little, I wanted him to see Olivia (also D, V, & B of course). So, I totally forgot my memory card for my camera so the only ones I have are the ones from my phone. But V took some pictures for us on her camera. But I probably won't get the pictures until next week. They're borrowing Kingsburg and Tayler will be in town (We're getting our engagements done on Monday. I can't wait!) this weekend. I just saw Eclipse with my friends McCall and Emmalee from work. They will also be my bridesmaids :) Along with my 3 sisters and Tayler's 2 sisters (I hope). I really missed Jessica tonight. She and I went saw the midnight showing of New Moon together. That was one of the best midnight showings I had ever been to with her, that's probably why Eclipse wasn't that great to me.

I just felt like in the movie that everyone just wanted to get up on each other. I'm like, thanks. I feel super uncomfortable. My personal space was violated.

This weekend, me and Tayler when to Dustinn and Val's cabin.

Well, I was seriously so happy the moment we walked in the door to the cabin. Olivia came crawling around the corner and just stared at us when we walked in. Bradshaw came running up saying, "Hi friends!" And greeted by hugs from Dustinn and Val. We all had a great time just sitting around, talking, laughing, joking, playing our games, playing hide and seek with Bradshaw, watching Olivia just cuddle up next to Tayler and give him the sweetest hugs. She was so intrigued by him. It was so cute. She would just flirt with him from across the room. It was so stinkin' adorable. I seriously, can NOT wait to have kids with this guy. Okay, I can wait. But, it'll seriously be amazing when I do.

I caught a quick glimpse. But at the same time. A little trigger. I kept it inside most of the night until our drive down the canyon.

We gave Olivia a bottle because she was tired and Dustinn put her in her crib to sleep probably around 9. She woke up again a little bit before Val's sister came through the door. Bradshaw and Olivia started crying at the same time. So while Val tended to Bradshaw (Dustinn had to unlock the gates for L) I picked up Olivia out of her crib. Okay, her bedhead was so adorable. Even though she was crying, I thought she was the cutest thing. I laughed and I was like, yeah. That's totally me when I get woken up or have to wake up early in the morning. Tayler was in the living room and he told me to sit in the rocking chair and try to rock her back to sleep. It seriously took everything in me not to break out into tears in this next moment. Tayler brings over this blanket and drapes it around Olivia and me and kisses my forehead. It was a small, simple gesture but it was a HUGE deal. When I was telling him how I felt on the drive down, I sort of laughed at myself while I was crying and said outloud, "It was just a blanket. But it meant so much."

I told him every little thing that went through my head. The first thought when getting Olivia: This is how it would be if I would've parented. It seriously felt so natural and so right. I wasn't bugged about her waking up crying (but that's probably because I wasn't asleep. It was probably around 11.)I just loved her so much in that moment. My second thought: The hospital. It probably felt so natural because I did have to wake up to her when she was crying. I couldn't just say, "Oh, your mom will come get you." I was her mother. I probably have felt little things to an extent what it's like to be a mother but I genuinely, cherish that moment. I'm not sure how many more experiences I will have just picking her up and rocking her to sleep while she cries. I had my two days. I don't get anymore than that. But when I watched her/baby sat her for two weeks after. I had a little taste of taking care of a baby after being home from the hospital for those two weeks. I saw her again a few months later a handful of times. It just sort of felt like, I was with friends, holding THEIR baby. Then I have this moment, where for a split second, she was mine again.

Oh how much I just miss calling her mine. How much I have just wanted to hold her and rock her and I got that chance and it's just incredible.

I was just telling Tayler all these little thoughts that popped into my mind. When he came over and brought me the blanket. It again, felt natural. How much I know that it's not just me that he loves. That he's going to love our future children. Just that little act meant so much to me.

It just makes me reflect, if I would have parented. Would her bio dad been there for her? He probably would tell me right now, yeah. But that's because he's lost her. But he's not the only one experiencing the loss. I lost too. I broke my heart just so she could have that. So she could have a father and it seriously has brought me so much joy to see that influence in little Olivia's life.

So that brings me to my last thought. If I would have parented. Where would I be? I probably wouldn't even be near as strong as I am today. Who knows, I could have had to go to court for some assigned agreement that there would be joint custody. How far would I really be? How far would she really be? I'm sure I would be grateful. But would I be as happy? Would I feel remorseful, knowing that I couldn't give her everything she wanted? I would love to say yes. It could've happened. But I don't know that. Sometimes life is about taking risks but I didn't want to risk my daughter's happiness. If I knew something was going to give her immediate happiness and the best life that she could have, adoption was what was best for me. Some days are hard. Especially weekends like these, but it's another rock that I've had to stumble over to keep me in balance.

Sometimes, I do need to realize that I know many people read this and hang by my every word. That puts a little pressure on me. I think someone made me realize that on my formspring. That I shouldn't be ashamed about having a Temple marriage. I'm used to just trying to impress people. I know where I'm going in life and what I'm doing. I don't need to impress anybody. I've lost some sight of what I'm in this life for and I do need to know it's for me and for God. Not anyone else. Sorry guys, you don't have that much influence on me. ;) I will experience life for myself, not for anyone. I'm sure some of the experiences I have affect other people but ultimately, everything is up to me. I'm the one who is going to have to live with it. Not you. I sometimes forget that I write for me or atleast need to. But lately, it seems like I've written for everyone else. I know you all have good intentions. I don't mind the advice but I'll do what I want. My 200th blog post will be coming up in the next 4 posts, if anybody has any ideas for me to write about. Let me know on my formspring or if you have any questions for me. You can do it all anonymously. Or via blog comments. I'd love to hear from any of you!

Here are some pictures from the weekend (remember some are from my camera phone):

BTW. Have I ever mentioned how much I love notebook doodles?

I went to the dentist today and got my fillings redone on the front teeth (I had been bleaching my teeth and I have fillings on the top part that had to be replaced because they were yellow, my previous tooth color, I really didn't like brushing my teeth as a child with braces). They are now sparkling white! :) I definitely like to smile more now.

I'm getting my hair done on Thursday. Yes, I'm taking out the blonde window. I'm going all red and getting my hair trimmed. I'm also getting my nails done on Saturday. Probably the first time since high school. No luck on my job interviews. But, who knows. There could possibly be an assistant manager position for me at my work. I'll let you know later when I have more details. :)

Goodnight!

Sunday Visit

Little Olivia was so darling.

She ADORED Tayler.

:)

A new post coming to a blog near you. Haha!

Eclipse tomorrow!!

9 Months Old

Olivia hit the 9 month old mark on June 23!

She's such a big, happy girl. I'm very happy I'll get to see her lots this summer!

June 24 marks 3 months until I'm married!

Tayler is coming to visit and we're seeing Olivia on Sunday :)

It'll be his second time meeting her since January!

I love seeing him with her because I know a picked a guy who will be an AWESOME father someday. He LOVES kids. He makes me so incredibly happy. I get so giddy when I know he's coming to visit.

He's amazing and my stress reliever. :) Anyway. Bye.

Check out the formspring sometime.

Don't be shy!

Tell me what you want to me write next or what you want to hear is going on in my life.

Ask me questions. You can even ask anonymously!

Stress

So you know how I've posted that I've been overwhelmed and full of stress lately? It seriously has taken a huge toll on my attitude. It's not just me that has noticed that. I've been more irritated or annoyed that I just sort of snap back. I finally just had a giant breakdown last night. And you know, (gahhhhhhhh just tearing up as I think about it) the outcome of it was a huge spiritual experience for me.

Just mountains of stress has been built upon me and I felt so bad because I kind of just talked to Tayler until about 2 last night and he had to get up at 5 this morning for work. I apologized for it and he said that he'd do anything for me. So sweet :)

After telling him how I felt, I still felt this heaviness about me. That talking about it just wasn't going to make it better.

I'll make a list of my stress for you:

1. Job- I have a job currently. Yes, it pays the bills. But I find myself living pay check to pay check and I'm trying to look for a job right now as a dental assistant since I finished school. I have probably turned in about 35 resumes in areas such as, Eagle Mountain, Saratoga Springs, Lehi, and American Fork. I have had 2 offices call me back for interviews and both have hired someone else. I'm genuinely worried that I'm going to get married and still not have a job. That I'll just be poor forever and Tayler is going to hate me for being this horrible person.

2. In-Laws- I've been trying to avoid this one for a while to blog about it. But ever since Tayler has told his mom that we are having a civil marriage. She has decided that I'm not good enough for Tayler. That I am now the scum of the earth. That I don't even deserve to be acknoweledged in her home. It's insane. Tayler will tell me everything that his mom says to him about me and a part of me wants to tear her to pieces because I feel like a lot of it is hypocritical. She uses the excuse that I had a baby that I'm not ready to get married. She will point out all of this bad stuff about me to him. I'm like, are you kidding? How old are we? You can't talk to me like an adult? Do I have to talk to you like we're in high school? A part of me really just wants to sit down and talk to them and tell them who I am. Tayler and I have been together probably around 8 months ish. And his family still says that they feel like I don't know me. Tayler did give them a link to one of my blogs and his grandma read it and loved it. And she's willing to give me another chance and I appreciate it. But it's so hard to feel welcomed in his home or be welcomed in his family. I mean, his mom is going to be my mother in-law, the grandmother of our children, and she just acts like if I'm not in the picture that I'm just going to go away. I just don't know what to do to be a "good" daughter in-law. To be someone that his mom approves of him marrying. She DID like me before. I can tell you that. She didn't have a problem talking to me or giving me hugs. And it's sort of declined to that she won't even acknowledge that I'm there or my existence. That my name is like a swear word in her house. Ha. I don't know. I just wish things were better and that she'd get to know me rather than jump the gun and place a label on me that I'm unfit. How does that make me feel? Not very good about myself that's for sure.

3- Friends. This one is a very tough one for me. For some reason lately, friends just tend to walk in and out of my life like it's no big deal. That I'm not getting affected by it. I'm like, oh that's chill. It's hard for me because I'm PAINFULLY trying to find my place with a best friend. I almost feel like I'm trying to find a replacement-Jessica. Tayler tells me all the time that I'll find a friend just like her. But I don't think how much he understands that that will probably never happen in this lifetime. Jessica was just this light in my life. We had our tough times, sure. But you know, that will never take away all the times that she had been there. All the times that I needed advice or someone to just make fun of someone with me. It's been hecka hard. I hang out with friends, sure. But Jessica and I were so much alike. That we laugh at our own stupid jokes or sarcasm. We had the same kind of humor and it's just difficult. I'll probably do my jokes or sarcasm infront of others and it probably isn't as funny. I miss that about her, just laughing, making jokes all the time. I seriously feltl ike she had it all. I wanted to be her most of the time, she'd always be friends with all these hot guys, she was unbelievably beautiful, and funny. In my eyes, if I were a boy, she'd be my dream girl. AAAAAA. Gay. I sounded like a total lesbian. And she'd totally laugh at that moment. She'd probably say something like, yeah. that was pretty lesbo. I just sat there and cried last night that I wasn't ever going to be a good enough friend to anyone. She's like my example that I will never find a friend like her. I know I have many friends, some I consider best friends, but I don't think anyone could ever replace that.

So a lot of it is just money issues and some wedding stress. You know, so much to get done. But I'm having fun doing it. Each and everything we do I get more and more excited to be married.

Last night, just wasn't a very good night for me. I just had a lot on my mind. I was at work and of corse, we got screwed the last hour of work and so it's awesome when you have some people that you work with that don't help you. But I love Mccall. She usually makes me feel sane when I'm there. I was giving Mccall a ride home and we were just sitting in her parking lot. And somehow we got on the topic of Mormons in Utah. You know, I haven't lived in Utah all of my life, contrary to popular belief. I have grown up half of my life outside of Utah. I've known people from other states while living in Utah. I just have a strong belief that yeah, most Mormons are "jack" Mormons. That they are the Mormons that are Mormons on Sunday but do whatever the hell they want every other day of the week. Or the Mormons who will point their fingers at others when there is 3 of them pointing right back at them. You can point out someone's sin but you have sins of your own. As much as you want to believe you lead this picture perfect life for your audience but I'm almost positive that you have a closet full of skeletons and everyone knows it.

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers... make sure your hands are clean."- Bob Marley

I'm sure I've been at fault with that sometimes. But I've NEVER once lied to my Bishop about stuff. I'll say it, I haven't owned a temple recommend in 5 years. Because I know, personally, I'm not ready yet. I'm not worthy yet to go through those doors. I'd rather be damned as a sinner than damned as a liar at the judgment day. I would not want to go inside the Temple unless I was fully worthy and clean to be there instead of have the guilty conscience on my mind thinking, "Should I be here? Am I allowed to be here? I haven't fully confessed." Duh. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves? If you even have to ask yourself that then you should probably get that worked out.
That's why it was so hard for me to believe I could find a good guy in Utah. I'll tell you, that I've been with a RM and we did things that he probably shouldn't have done. It wasn't ANY force on me. It was more he was forcing me to do stuff with him. Which was ridiculous. I talk to friends and they tell me what she and her boyfriend did the night before. But in the moment, he was getting his temple recommend interview. I'm like, really? Can he even have a temple recommend? I guess everyone in Utah isn't reading the same guidelines as everyone else. Right? I know it's not just "Utah Mormons" and I know some of you may believe I'm a textbook hypocrite. But I'm taking my own path to get on the right one.
What makes me even made sometimes is that I feel like, a certain friend of mine, that I had to always be on the same path as her. That we all had to be on this righteous path and she is our righteous leader and we're her followers. I'm like, uh, no. That's not how I work. I do my OWN repentance process. I may have some slip ups on the way. But I'm not some Mormon clone either. I went to a friend's homecoming and this kid is HECKA funny. We were worried that when he came home that he wouldn't be the same that he'd be this weird RM. But he totally hadn't changed. And probably what he said in his talk will stick with me for a long time. I'll use my name.

I first didn't know who I was and who I was supposed to be in the beginning of my mission. In the beginning, I was still Stefanie That funny girl, that wild child. Then I started thinking, maybe I need to be more missionary like, I became this uptight, everything needs to be done in this order, very unhappy Sister Stefanie. Then I didn't want to live my whole mission not being who I was. So I had to incorporate who I was in the Gospel and not lose sight of who I really am. So I was Stefanie wearing the Sister Stefanie badge.

I don't want to lose sight of who I am and who I've become. I don't realize how far I have really come in all of this. From this out of control girl to this girl who has made a few mistakes but does every day to try do to better and learn from them. I think I'm doing my best and that's all the Lord asks for. I want to have the Gospel in my life and be that spiritual person everyday and I feel like I'm taking the right steps together. Slowly, but surely. Making sure I don't take this road for granted or skip a few steps and not be ready for it.

As I continue the night, I come home fairly late. And my mom wanted to talk to me about taking my sister to school this morning. Because the car that I usually use to drive to Idaho has broken down. You know, the two days that I use the car. It's automatically MY fault that it's broken and that I didn't check the oil. Whoa. I'm sorry?? It's okay. I guess that's what I'm used to in the family is being the giant screw up. So if anything else goes wrong the blame goes to me right? So I had to drive my sister to school. You know, my mom texted me and asked me if I could drive her to her boyfriends house after school since she's leaving for Oregon tomorrow. I was still sort of irritated. I was going to ask her a question and she wouldn't let me get ONE word in. It was like she had a word vomit of how horrible of a sister I am. That I can't do one nice thing for anyone in this house and that I'm pretty much selfish. Ouch. Thanks, mom. That's really what I needed to hear tonight. All I wanted to ask is if her boyfriend's parents could maybe pick her up every once in a while. But nope, it's my fault for breaking down the other car so I have to drive her everywhere. Awesome.

So that's where my thought process stemmed. That I'm never going to be a good enough daughter, a good enough worker, a good enough daughter in-law, a good enough sister, a good enough wife. I was just ready to be done and be even more angry with everyone and myself. I was telling Tayler and he said, you know. You should probably pray. He's also a very good listener. I promised him I would. I wasn't tired so I went back upstairs and watched the Bachelorette on my DVR. (I probably have insomnia. I can't go to sleep until about 3 or 4 in the morning)
So at about 3:30 in the morning I went back to bed. And I remembered that I needed to pray. I got on my knees and said the most sincerest prayer. Asking for guidance and thanking him for so many things in my life. Including Tayler. Asking him for help if at all possible. I'm just pleading and crying out for help. Something I probably hadn't done since Olivia's placement. I've had people say, "you can do hard things. You are a strong person." I didn't want to be strong. I had been strong for so long that I had become this person that didn't feel anything but anger because I couldn't get everything out. I wanted to break down and let people know I'm human. I am who I am and nothing will change that. And yeah, placing Olivia for adoption was the hardest thing I probably will ever do. But it's not like every hard trial in my life I compare it to placing my daughter for adoption. Because I could be completely irrelevant to what I'm going through. The pain and the suffering that I went through with that is locked in a part of my brain that I hope NEVER comes back. So each moment that I'm given, I don't say to myself, "Well, I can do anything. I had given up the best thing that has happened to me." I could use it as motivation. But, I treat ever trial differently when it comes my way. I really don't ever want to feel that pain again. I feel as though I'm doing what I can for myself to make things maybe a little bit better and a little bit easier to get to where I want.
I hope that tangent all makes sense.
After my prayer, that heaviness that I felt earlier. I felt that it was gone. For some reason, it felt like I was on this holy ground and that God was in the next room. It sort of creeped me out because the light was on in the next room and I thought I had turned it off. I'm like, great. Now I'm being greeted by a spiritual being. That's how I need to end this night. Perfect. Haha.

I realized for myself what I need to do to get on the right path. Who am I? I'll tell you. I hate being told what to do. I want to learn things my own way. I'm sure that's probably the stubborn side of me but I want to learn for myself. I don't want anyone to take my burden or trials from me. I'm sure there is one person that would love to and who has and that's Jesus Christ. He's my Savior. And He has helped me through SO much. And in my prayer, I told him that I felt like I needed to do it on my own. No one should ever have to go through anything alone. You will always have a best friend. You just need to get on your knees and pray. He's willing to listen and do what He can to help you through anything. Don't take that for granted and don't feel like you're a burden to Him. You're His child and He's willing to listen. :)
Sorry this long and none of it probably made any sense. But I hope it helps some of you along the way.

Also, can I please just tell you how perfect Tayler is? I appreciate everything he does. And how willing he is to just stand by my side and help me through everything. I'm sure that my break downs aren't any fun for him. Haha. I'm looking back through my text that I sent him last night before I went to bed. I think I told you that I watched the Bachelorette last night. I'm a total goof.
I sent, "Hi baby. I'm just getting in bed right now. But I just wanted to tell you good night and thank you for not giving up on me. I was watching my show and I realize how lucky I am to have found you. I didn't need to go on a TV show to find love. You're right in front of me and you're going to be the most perfect husband on the planet. I love you with all of my heart. You're the greatest."

He sent me this, this morning (I love morning texts especially these sweet ones), "Good morning baby I hope you slept well. Thank you for the text last night. I know that you are perfect for me and I know you will be an amazing mom of my kids. I love you. Don't ever give up sweetie."

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.

Peekchas

Me, Val and Olivia

Dustinn won Kingsburg!

Grandma J and Olivia

Grandpa R and Olivia

Auntie Ruth, Me, and Olivia

Auntie Ruth and Olivia

So much fun :) Tayler will be coming out next weekend to see Olivia!!

I'm so stoked.

My oldest sister also had her second baby on Saturday. A new niece for me :)

Poppa and Momma

So I thought I would make a blog in honor of my father for father's day. Shoot.

My dad grew up with all brothers. Now imagine having to raise 6 daughters. I'm sure when we were younger and crying my dad wanted to say, "Rub some dirt in it and stop crying." My dad was also in the military for 25 years and retired as a Lt. Colonel in the Army. So yes, I am an Army brat. But my dad is a very caring and compassionate person. I'm sure it helps to raise 6 girls and all their emotions with it. But he's a pretty cool dad. He has his quirks.

Here's an example from this morning. I woke up fairly early to go to a friend's homecoming and his meeting was at 9. My bedroom door is right next to the garage door. I went to go downstairs to grab some clothes out of my room and the garage door was open and it was dark in there and I hear this deep voice coming from the depths of darkness saying, "Good morning." I, of course, jumped. That's something from a scary movie! I got really irritated and said, "Good morning, don't do that ever again." Haha. Nice way to start of Father's day right?

My dad was always gone a lot doing stuff for the military. But I remember visiting him at work and playing in the little sand box with the army figurines. And when we would travel and stay at hotels, without fail we would be at the pool and he'd be throwing us around in it. I've always known my dad as caring for others and sympathizing with them. I'm sure he has been disappointed in his daughters at one point or another but he has never turned the other cheek. He has always opened his arms and helped them through what they were going through. That's probably where I get my compassion from ;) haha.

He is a big game player. I'm sure tonight he'll want to break out some Kingsburg or Settlers of Catan. He loves his movie and his Perry Mason tv shows. There has been a few times when I've wanted to catch up on American Idol and he'd be watching his show. I curse at comcast sometimes for playing his show. But he enjoys it.

My dad is one spiritual guy. He was a singles ward bishop for a while. So it's good to hear his counsel and I really take it to heart. I love my dad and for everything he has done. :) haha. I hope my mom doesn't hate me for not making a blog for her for mother's day. Maybe I'll just do a quick belated one.

My mom... oh gosh. I serioulsy just have to chuckle everytime I think about my mom. She is just so funny. From her fro to her forgetfulness. It's just so easy to tease her. But my mom seriously my rock. Growing up, I didn't have a good relationship with my mom. My friends were more important as a teenager, duh. Ever since me and J broke up and I started dating Nic I would talk to my mom more. I seriously can tell you that she's my best friend. I probably wouldn't have said that 4 years ago. But she is.

I will tell her things when I'm upset and she's willing to listen. Even when she's at work and I just want to vent. She'll be like, Well. I'm sorry. Sometimes she'll just agree with me when I believe people are being stupid about things. She'll give me her advice but she has never been one to tell me to do one thing or another. She has always been supportive of my decisions, even if they weren't good ones. I'm sure she'd be disappointed but she's always been there.

I look up to my mom. She's such a genuinely sweet lady. I love her to death. :) I hope to be an awesome mom and and wife that she is. I mean, she cooks, she cleans, she's a gardener. She is just so versatile. I don't know how she does it all. She is just very balanced especially in her spirituality. Her spirit just lights up a room when she's bearing her testimony. I've seen her bear it many times at Church and it's so strong and amazing.

I love both of my parents. :)

This is my fambam.

Happy father's day to all you father's and father's-to-be. I also would like to say happy father's day to Dustinn. Adoption is just so awesome. And I know Dustinn is an awesome dad to little Olivia. And to see how much she just loves on him is amazing. I knew in my heart, that if I would've kept Olivia I don't think that she would've had that father figure in her life. And I'm so grateful that she does now.


I get to see Dustinn, Valery, Bradshaw, and Olivia today. In about 5 hours :) It's been 6 months. Holy cow. Don't worry. I'll post MANYYYYYYYYY pictures. As many as I can.

Love you all.